The Best O.J. Simpson Quotes

Laraine: [O.J. is only wearing a towel around his neck as Laraine Newman interviews him a male locker room] O.J. I don't know much about football, but I know what like. Eh Jane, I swear I've never seen anything like this before. I don't really have any questions prepaired, O.J., but, eh, how long do you think you'll continue to play the game?
O.J. Simpson: Well Jane, I mean Laraine...
[Laraine glances skeptically at the camera]
O.J. Simpson: I'm not quite ready to quit now. I really plan on having a 10 to 12 year career.
Laraine: [Laraine is looking down at O.J.'s manhood] That's odd, I would have guessed more about 11 to 12.

Chief: How long before you can give me a complete list of your tenants?
Harry: Oh, you don't have to worry about that, we're moving them out right now.
Chief: Not live-in. *Business* tenants.
Harry: Well, we kind of looked up there, too. The majority of them haven't moved in yet, and those that have aren't working tonight.
Chief: I want to know *who* they are, not *where* they are.
Harry: [perplexed] But what does that got to do with anything, who they are?
Chief: [patiently] Do you have any wool or silk manufacturers? You see, in a fire, wool and silk give off cyanide gas. Do you have any sporting goods manufacturers, like table tennis balls? They give off toxic gases. Now, do you want me to keep going down the line?
Harry: [now understanding] No. One list of tenants coming right up.
Chief: Thank you.

O.J. Simpson: You know, you're a pretty beautiful woman, huh. Why don't you join Sandy and Marie and I after the show?
Phyllis: [blushing] All three of us? Won't you be a little tired after all that exercize, Juice?
O.J. Simpson: Hey, my mouth don't write no checks my body can't cash.

[Doug Roberts gets a call for Harry Jernigan from the Security station in the Tower basement]
Doug: Harry? It's for you.
Harry: [Picks up the phone] Jernigan.
[There is a pause as Jernigan learns from a security officer on the other line that Lisolette Mueller is trapped on the 87th floor, trying to rescue the Albright family in their apartment]
Harry: What? Damnit man, you should have sent a man up there!
[pause as the officer tells Jernigan that he called the Albright apartment earlier but there was no answer]
Harry: How do you expect Mrs. Albright to hear a phone call? She's deaf!
[pause as the officer asks about the two Albright children]
Harry: Sure the kids can hear!
[pause as the officer asks why didn't the Albright children answer their phone]
Harry: I don't know. Maybe they were in the shower or something when you called.
[Another pause as the officer asks Jernigan something]
Harry: No, you stay where you are. I'll get them down.
[Jernigan hangs up the phone as Doug Roberts listens while Kappy angrily demands reinforcements over his radio]
Harry: There's still some people on 87. I'll get 'em down.
Doug: I'll give you a hand.

Charles: [dividing up the first aid kit] John, you take the flint. Peter and I will split up the matches. Anybody want the gun?
Lt. Col Peter Willis: I'd shoot my foot.
Cmdr. John Walker: I'd shoot his foot.

O.J. Simpson: [during his monologue, wearing a Conehead] I don't know if I'm gonna be man enough to meet this challenge. I just... I just hope that if I don't meet it tonight and have to go back to being just a regular superstar/athlete/moviestar, that you people may remember me for what I was and not for what I may become here tonight.