100 Best Telly Savalas Quotes

Lt. Theo Kojak: I'd go through the hell and pain of the last 19 years twice a day to nail a crud like Janis!

Lt. Theo Kojak: Kojak: "Gentlemen, we have been outflanked."

Calvelli: Any chance of getting outta here?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Sure.
Calvelli: Yeah, and the devil serves lemonade, right?

Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey look, kid, I'm gonna talk to you like a father
[laughs]
Lt. Theo Kojak: And I never even put my arms around your mother.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Well don't give me that fishy look, Doctor. You just got a nicer job than we do!

Lt. Theo Kojak: [holding a photograph of Leona and a man hiding behind a menu] Look at the john. He's being so bashful. I wonder why? Terminal acne, maybe?
Capt. Frank McNeil: [McNeil takes the photograph] Well, married men are sometimes camera-shy, have you noticed?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Frequently. Can you make out the name on the menu?
Capt. Frank McNeil: No, but then I can't even read the top line on an eye chart any more.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Tell me about it.

Lt. Theo Kojak: It seems to me they had an observation report a couple of weeks ago on the... Lumpjaws, and a few of the other fences.
Det. Bobby Crocker: It's probably in the round file. Nobody ever looks there.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well, ask Bannerman, he saves string.

Lt. Theo Kojak: What are you doing?
Det. Stavros: T.L.C., eh, Tender Loving Care for my new plant.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh. Well, could you put a little TLC into a list of every burglary in eh, in the last two years?

Capt. Frank McNeil: [to Kojak] Where do you get the 14-carat chutzpah to talk to an elected official like that, and in front of a dozen witnesses?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey look, Mac, uh, I'm onto something...
Capt. Frank McNeil: Oh, you're onto something? You'll be into men's ready-wear if Murchison has his way.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Here. try one of these.
[Hands Dr. Kirk a lollipop]
Lt. Theo Kojak: You a nervous wreck.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [Officer Calvelli has been shot] I'm gonna try and get a doctor in.
Calvelli: Oh, geez, it hurts.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Now you start to worry when it stops hurting.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Absolutely no way the killer could've gotten past you?
Ingram: Not through the front lobby, no, sir. Seven p.m to seven a.m. nobody enters or exits that I don't okay. Tradespeople, tenants, guests, everybody logs in and out. Everybody.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Seven to seven and no relief. You must have cement kidneys.

Talky: My name is Talking Tina and I love you very much.
Erich: Will you shut that thing off?

Sophie: [on phone] Theo? This is Sophie. Yeah, the nerve-wracked mother.
Lt. Theo Kojak: [on other line] Yeah Sophie, what is it?
Sophie: What it is, is a rehearsal in an hour. You coming?
Lt. Theo Kojak: This afternoon? Hey look, if they can pretend they're getting married, can't they pretend I'm there?

Det. Bobby Crocker: Hey, what's with the lollypops?
Lt. Theo Kojak: I'm looking to close the generation gap. Get outa here!

Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey, does Ginger Rogers fall over Fred Astaire's feet, huh? These two twinkle-toes could get up on the Goodyear Blimp in flight, get down without mussing any hair.

Vince: Hey, let me put it to you, Lieutenant. Do I look like the kind of a man who would keep company with a priest, huh?
[snickers]
Sgt. Al Vine: You'll be keeping company with the chaplain up at Sing-Sing for the next 20 or 30 years if you don't open up.
Vince: On an armed robbery rap?
[laughs in his face]
Lt. Theo Kojak: [laughing as well] As an accessory to murder, coochy-coo.

Lt. Theo Kojak: The first police department was opened to protect women and here it is 25,000 years later and we can't even do that.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Here, get your hat and coat. We just got a break.
Det. Bobby Crocker: [off screen] An arm or a leg?
Lt. Theo Kojak: A neck: Cleveland's.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Frank, I got it. Here, look.
[Without explanation, he holds up his handkerchief and sets it on fire]
Capt. Frank McNeil: [Dryly] Ah, yeah - handkerchief flambé. "Are you under a strain, Theo?" "No, Captain. I'm fine."

Det. Gomez: [a pen with Kojak's name on it is found at a crime scene] Did you drop it?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [sarcastic] Yeah, but I can't remember whether I dropped it before or after I broke into the safe!

Lt. Theo Kojak: Let's lay it out, shall we, Mr. Ballantine? Park Avenue posh splendor, but scrape off the glitter and what have we got here? We got a sewer, baby, where scum like Delman float in because you can tip them when salesmen are in town.

Lt. Theo Kojak: What's the point? Where would you go? If the subway went to Outer Mongolia, I'd still come after you.

Detective: Well then, eh, Bridges is our boy?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [sarcastic cuckle] Well he can't be in two places at once, can he? And one place we know he was when Forsyth was being killed, was in the Tombs, sweating out a B and E. But the gun wasn't at the tombs. And a piece doesn't care who uses it.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [on phone] Is that a fact, Officer Berkowitz? Aha. Yeah, well, Officer Berkowitz, by all means, drop it by. No, no, no, no, I wanna sign for this little package myself. And what was that name again, Officer Berkowitz? Aha, got it. And, eh, thank you, Officer Berkowitz. Hm-hm.
[hangs up]
Lt. Theo Kojak: Who whould a - That was Officer Berkowitz.

Lt. Theo Kojak: It'll be morning in an hour. Before that, one of you is gonna start chirping. Did I say one of you? I'm gonna have a room full of canaries.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Well you see Captain, not every suspect is a villain, and on he other hand, not every witness is a hero, as offered up by that great Greek philosopher, Larry Csonka.

Lt. Theo Kojak: A black counsel in a white mob? You can bet your tuckus it's interesting.

Kojak: [Benny shows up to work wearing outlandish clothes] What's the gag?
Detective: What do you mean, what's the gag? You told me you wanted me to change my image.
Kojak: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. So if I asked you to lose some weight, what would you do, cut off your left arm? You're three hours late and you show up looking like Zsa Zsa Gabor's Christmas tree!

Lt. Theo Kojak: For your information, sonny boy, most Americans don't have a yellow sheet.
Det. Bobby Crocker: Thank you, would you keep reminding me, Lieutenant, it's my only hook into reality.

Albain: [repeated line to Caulfield] Keep your *god damn* head down!

Ferret: Ah, come on. You keep breaking us left and right and I ain't heard nothing on Tomasso.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well maybe's he's clean.
Ferret: Maybe the pope smokes grass.

Capt. Frank McNeil: I should have listened to my mother. She wanted me to become a priest.
Lt. Theo Kojak: [laughs] Yeah, you would've been great in the confessional.
Capt. Frank McNeil: Bless you.

Det. Jeff Braddock: Theo, it was an accident. I was only careless the way millions of parents are careless around their kids every day. But he's still dead. She's been dying ever since. I always close that locker except for one afternoon... one afternoon, Theo. My son... and a can of benzine.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well, if you're expecting words of wisdom from the sage of Sparta, don't hold your breath. But I do know this: You read a book one page at a time. Why don't you take life the same way, one day at a time?
Det. Jeff Braddock: The oracle of Athens has spoken.
Lt. Theo Kojak: You know I had an uncle who used to say, "Charity is learning how to forgive others, but wisdom is knowing how to forgive yourself."

Spencer: Of course, I can't keep track of all my investments. In fact, I'd forgotten that I'd agreed to finance a film.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh, I see, two martinis, and someone talks you into making these, eh, French postcards that move, huh?

Joel: Lieutenant Kojak.
[said as a greeting, right after hanging up on a distressed phone call, the end of which Kojak has eavesdropped as he's making this unannounced visit to Adrian's business, one of his mid-city parking lots]
Lt. Theo Kojak: Problems?
Joel: Problems?
[then a forced, phony laugh]
Joel: . How can a man who owns parking lots in this town have a problem? You drive an automobile; you gotta get out of it.
[a rhetorical question next]
Joel: Now, can you imagine the absurdity of paying two, three, five dollars - for the privilege of getting out of your own automobile?

Joannie: Where'd the dress come from?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Property. It was evidence in a wife-beating case. I don't know if she wouldn't put it on or wouldn't take it off. Women are funny.

Foster: Kojak... now that's some heavy, heavy necktie you got. I mean a cat on the loose would cop an awful lot of heavy, heavy trade with a tie like that.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Foster, you drive a hard bargain.
[starts to take off his tie to give it to Foster]

Donna: Now if you need anything else...
Lt. Theo Kojak: I know, I saw the picture. Just pucker up and whistle , right?

Lt. Theo Kojak: Go on, up against the wall. All of you.
[McGreggor doesn't move]
Lt. Theo Kojak: In, eh, including you, Fumbles. Go.
McGregor: Me? Why?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Because you got dishpan hands. Move!

Det. Stavros: You want him picked up?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well, I'd prefer him six foot under, but I'd settle for a pickup.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [while talking about the first death] Yea, the usual not-so-hot-time-in-the-old-town-tonight. What time did he go off?
Det. Stavros: According to the medical examiner the time of of the subject's death was between one and two A.M. in the morning. Constant use of alcohol is indicated by hyperemia and irritative elements in the digestive tract mucosa.
Lt. Theo Kojak: You're kidding.
Det. Stavros: Blood sugar concentration at the time of decease was 35 per cent.
Lt. Theo Kojak: 35 per cent? Where's the decimal point?
Det. Stavros: Right here in front of the "3".
Lt. Theo Kojak: In front of the three?
[to Crocker]
Lt. Theo Kojak: Would you tell him what the difference between 35 per cent is and point thirty five, oh, forget about it.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Make it one for the hospital... and one for the morgue.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Neil Packman. He's a machine, Crocker. You put the money in the slot, out comes the bodies. Cops, racketeers, husbands, wives, kids, he'll kill anything.

Delta: You are a really patient man, you know.
[kisses Kojak on the cheek]
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey eh, how come you talk so slow with your patient man and you kiss so fast?
Delta: Oh, I don't always, do I?

Talky: [winds doll and she moves back and forth] My name is Talky Tina, and I think I could even hate you.
[Erich looks at the doll and then flings her across the room; Tina lands on her back and Erich looks at the doll from where he stands. Tina then opens her eyes]
Talky: My name is Talky Tina, and you'll be sorry.
Annabelle: [Erich looks from the doll to Annabelle, who comes down the stairs and her eyes shift to Tina, obviously thrown on the floor. She backs up a bit, holding onto the stair rail] Why, Erich?
Erich: I don't like what it says.
Annabelle: You didn't have to throw it.
[she picks up the doll and Erich begins to walk over]
Erich: It has quite the vocabulary.
[he takes the doll from Annabelle]
Erich: Here, listen.
[he manipulates the doll to make her speak]
Talky: My name is Talky Tina, and I love you very much.
[Erich stares at the doll]
Erich: Yeah, well, that's not what it said a minute ago.
[he throws the doll back into Annabelle's arms and puts his hands on his hips]
Annabelle: [walks away from Erich, clutching Tina] I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Erich: Exactly what is it you're taking, Annabelle?
[she turns to him]
Annabelle: Your anger toward Christie. I know you're having a difficult time adjusting to her, but I can't let you treat her this way. She's my daughter, Erich. I love her.
Erich: [mockingly] "I love her." But I don't love her. I'm only her stepfather and I'm incapable of loving children because we can't have any of our own.
[face and voice show a small degree of amusement]
Erich: Isn't that what you are saying, Annabelle?
Annabelle: [slowly shaking her head] Oh, no, Erich, believe me, it's not. You could love Christie; I *know* you could. If you'd only give yourself half a chance.
Erich: Good.
[goes to sit down and she follows him]
Erich: I'm glad I'm not cold, cruel ogre that mommy and daughter think I am; I appreciate all the *faith* you have in me!
[looks down from his seated position]
Annabelle: Erich, please give us a chance. Christie and me. I know you got more than you bargained for when you married me. Two for the price of one, wasn't it. But we'll do anything to make you happy - both of us.
Christie: [offscreen] Daddy?
[Erich's eyes shift to Christie and she bounces down the stairs and comes over to him]
Christie: I'm sorry, Daddy, if I made you mad.
Erich: It's alright, Christie.
[he cusps her chin in his hand and rubs it]
Erich: It's all Daddy's fault, okay?
Christie: [smiles] Sure, Daddy.
Annabelle: Here, dear.
[hands Christie the doll, who hugs the doll to her shoulder and turns to go back upstairs with Tina and winds the key to hear her speak]
Talky: My name is Talky Tina and I love you very much.
[Erich turns his head from Christie to look stony-faced into the distance]

Jack: That's your goof, Kojak! I warned you: the first bullet's got your name on it.
Lt. Theo Kojak: I told you we needed more time.
Jack: Pass me a hankerchief, I cry easy.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Sammy Moreno. Informant, bartender and Tommy's kid. Both of them three dollar bills.

Lt. Theo Kojak: He's gotta about as much business playing poker as I've got entering a Marty Allen look-alike contest.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Now you listen good, yo-yo. Because I'm gonna tell you something for every cop that's ever had to live under a threat from a punk like you. You know, maybe sometime when you're an old man, you'll be thinking about getting out. Ah, don't think anything about getting even. I want you to think about me. Because, if by some remote possibility you get out, there's gonna be a little 150-year old man waiting for you. And that little old man will be me.

Robert: Mr Albaine, how much do you charge to dust a field?
Albain: Twenty five dollars.
Robert: I'd like to hire your plane.
Albain: That'll be a hundred dollars.
Robert: You said you charged twenty five?
Albain: Twenty five dollars to dust a field, but you ain't got no field because you ain't no farmer, which means you ain't poor and I think you're a pervert!
Robert: Okay, one hundred.
Albain: One hundred and twenty five.
Robert: What?
Albain: Because you said yes to a hundred too quick, which means you can afford a hundred and twenty five.

Lt. Theo Kojak: I give you this week's mystery map. You solve the riddle, you win a two-week trip to, eh, well, where do you wanna go?
Capt. Frank McNeil: Home!
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hm-hm. Why do I always yawn on Saturdays?

Fowler: Lieutenant, line two.
Lt. Theo Kojak: I told you not to interrupt me unless it was important. Is it a broad?

Lt. Theo Kojak: Mr. Conforti, you killing John Campbell is not going to put 'Home Sweet Home' back on the wall, you know that, don't you? And doesn't Janet have enough already to forget?

Lt. Theo Kojak: You know why you're here, Marty?
Marty: Yeah. Sometimes I black out.
Lt. Theo Kojak: You OD'd, baby!

Cheryl: It's all over, isn't it, Lieutenant?
Lt. Theo Kojak: It's never over. Oh, maybe we slow down the merry-go-round a little bit. But then some creep comes along and starts it all up again.
Cheryl: Then why bother?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [spits on the ground and coughs] I don't know. Maybe some good kid gets a chance to jump off that slow merry-go-round?

Lt. Theo Kojak: You're beautiful, Frank.
Capt. Frank McNeil: Who loves you, baby?

Mitch: Hey man, you know where it's at. I finger Tomasso, I'm a dead man in 24 hours.
Lt. Theo Kojak: What are you talking about?
[walks over to Mitch]
Lt. Theo Kojak: We'll give you protection.
Mitch: Ain't no such thing. That cat would get me if I was dead and buried in the ground.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [chuckles] You're trying to convince me that the story you're telling is not a beautifully engraved $3 bill.

Albain: Now what the hell is your friend doing here?
Robert: He's lost.
Albain: He robbed a bank or something?
Robert: No.
Albain: Well, I get a third.
Robert: What?
Albain: We find him, I get a third of the loot. Now keep your goddamn head down.

Mr. Roberts: [Hears scratching at the front door] Sounds like a cat.
Lt. Theo Kojak: [Roberts opens the door to find Kojak] Umm... Meow, baby.

Lt. Theo Kojak: All right. Get Mallick's photo out of the file, bring it to the café and see if they remember. Let's face it. I mean, how many chicks can he know who shave under their arms?

Lt. Theo Kojak: If I ever see you near me or any of my family I'm gonna scatter your brains from here to White Plains, sweetheart.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [Polichek explains how he found a dead body because of Victrola music playing loudly] Well it's not playing now.
Mr. Polichek: Ja, of course, I turned it off.
Lt. Theo Kojak: You shouldn't have done that, Mr. Polichek. Did you touch anything else?
Mr. Polichek: [nervous] Ja, ja, ja, of course, the doorknob.

Christie: [Erich takes Tina away, sobbing] Daddy, please!
Erich: [angrily] I'M NOT YOUR DADDY!
[he walks out]

Lt. Theo Kojak: [on payphone] Yeah, hello, Sergeant. I need a black evening dress. Now don't be a wise guy. Besides, I don't fit into a size 12. That's right, it's for the Commissioner, he fits.

Lt. Theo Kojak: You know Chubby, he's a dynamite talker. He could sell aluminium siding to a steel foundry.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Does your pop have a secretary?
David: Yeah, he talks about her almost every night.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh yeah? What does he say?
David: That dumb Miss Rosenberg, I wish I had the guts to fire her.

Mrs. Giancana: [after accusing her husband of being involved in loan sharking] Excuse me Lieutenant, I hope I'm mistaken. Surely you aren't suggesting that my husband is a usurer?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Mrs. Giancana, I'd rather take up basket weaving.
Mrs. Giancana: Louis Giancana is a respected and respectable furniture manufacturer. He's also a fund raiser for over a dozen charities, a devout Church goer and a father. He's also veteran of the Korean War with a Good Conduct Medal and a 10% disability pension. And you would malign a man like that with your shabby innuendoes!
Lt. Theo Kojak: [Sarcastically] Me? A soldier with a Good Conduct Medal? Never!

Ruth: Theo, tell me something. in that little black book of yours, am I in ink or in pencil?
Lt. Theo Kojak: God, I got you written in ink and underlined in blood.
[kisses her hand]

Kojak: [dripping with sarcasm] Hey look, Deidre, I'm sorry I missed your coming out party. I hear you were crowned Miss Sillicone, is that right?
Solly: Hey, Kojak, did you come here to break in a nightclub act or was there something special you wanted?
Kojak: Hey, Counselor, you tell your client to have his mouth behave, or he's a prime candidate for a get well card.
Solly: [raises voice] He threatened me! You heard that, he threatened me!
Kojak: Greeks, they don't threaten. They utter prophecies.

Prince: [on phone] You can put my name at the top of your Christmas list. Guess what we found in the shower drain?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [on other line] A redhead... Prince, you're a pussycat.

Lt. Theo Kojak: We could save ourselves a plethora of surprises.
Det. Bobby Crocker: What the hell is plethora?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Follow me. We'll get a library card.

Lt. Theo Kojak: While he's stalling we can be thinking. You know how to do it? You know that thing on top of your neck? You press your nose and a light goes on and you're Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Ferro] But I should worry, I got you and Olney on the job. I can take two weeks in the Catskills.
Dr. Agajanian: One week. Olneys been scratched. Of course it's a long time since I probed the vitals of a living person, but a first year med student could diagnose the fact that Detective Olney has a ruptured appendix.
Det. Olney: Sorry partner, I thought it was just a case of measles.

Lt. Theo Kojak: And as for you, sonny, you go back to the Okefenokees and the alligators. You're not ready for the big time. I deal with Janis or I don't deal.

Det. Stavros: Wait a minute, Lieutenant, what is this? I'm not Donnelly's partner, Alessi is.
Lt. Theo Kojak: The hell you're not! When one man in this precinct comes under suspicion, the entire unit becomes Donnelly's partner. Now look, we got two days to polish his badge and ours. Because on Wednesday, the Internal Affairs shooflies, they're gonna be all over us like a groom on a honeymoon. And let me tell you something: we all better be virgins, or have a pretty good story.

Lt. Theo Kojak: It's coming off tonight.
Det. Bobby Crocker: What is?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Eh... Pick a card, any card.

Lt. Theo Kojak: CROCKER! Make a note. I want this joint busted often, and I want it busted HARD!
[storms out of the nightclub]
Nightclub: Why is he so mad?
Det. Bobby Crocker: Because you didn't tell him what he wanted to hear.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Yeah, mojo, morphine, Mephistopheles, pins and needles, eeh... cubes, Aunt Emma. There are a dozen street names for it.

Bernheim: Lt. Kojak will now be advised of his rights.
Capt. Frank McNeil: Hey, wait a minute, hold on. We're down here to talk to you about a case. You've got this set up like an inquisition.
Bernheim: I'm taking a formal statement.
Capt. Frank McNeil: You haven't even told us what this is about, officially.
Bernheim: It's about the shaking down of a suspect - on the record!
Lt. Theo Kojak: Let it go, Frank. Let's hear him.
Capt. Frank McNeil: No way! If he want to play this game you come back here with a lawyer. He's setting you up! Now let's get out of here.
Bernheim: If you refuse to give me a statement I'm turning this over to Internal Affairs.
Lt. Theo Kojak: I'll give you a statement: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of... hogwash.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Ah, that sounds like a threat, Cinderella. Now, assume the position. Turn around.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh! Hi, cannon.
[picks up a gun off the ground]
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hm. I think you and I have met before, cannon. Maybe on a ballistics report on my desk. Do you suppose?

Capt. Frank McNeil: Keep a man on a case who's a candidate for a rubber gun squad? I'm sorry, Theo, I don't see it.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Y'know something, Frank? Take a look at the people we have working for us on the streets - stoolies, hookers, cons, like that. Let's at least give a cop pressing too hard the same chance to help us hang this case together, 'right?

Kojak: Hey, Benny, if it wasn't for you, Eddie Ryan would've had as much razzle-dazzle as a wet firecracker.
[stands up]
Detective: Is that what you think? Is that what you think Eddy Ryan was like? A grandstander? Well let me tell you something: Eddie Ryan had more guts than anyone on this island. What do you think got him killed?
Kojak: Dumb got him killed. Dead is not guts. Dead is dumb.

Detective: [Ferro invites Kojak back home for a drink] Retsina okay?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Retsina? You gotta be kidding. You're actually holding?
Detective: It's not exactly in big demand. Five years and I still have the same bottle you gave us for our housewarming. It doesn't spoil, does it?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [smiles] Spoil? You buy it rotten. You could drop a dead cat into it, it wouldn't make any difference.

Kojak: In the alley you couldn't see anything. And the alley was so dark you couldn't find your mouth with a $5 pizza.

Lt. Theo Kojak: I see you got a new plant.
Det. Stavros: Yeah. Shirley's lonely.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh really? Eh, tell me, how could you tell?
Det. Stavros: Well, her leaves are drooping down. And, eh, she's not her same gay, vibrant, effervescent, ebullent self.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Ebullent self, huh? Well, she might have, eh, heartburn. Did you ever think of that?
Det. Stavros: That's why I got Sam.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Vine] Close the door. I want a tail put on Geno. I want to know who he talks to; I want to know where he goes; I want to know where he is every minute. The same kind of surveillance you give any other homicide suspect.
Sgt. Al Vine: Theo, not Geno. I mean, you can't possibly believe...
Lt. Theo Kojak: Do you think I want to believe it? But if Donnelly wasn't on the pad, then somebody set him up. And right now, I've got a very narrow field to pick from.

Bartender: You know, a funny thing: some joker was in here a couple of weeks ago asking about the same blonde.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Can you describe him?
Bartender: [blows through his teeth] Hey, women I remember, dad, but, eh, men? Well they're, eh, they're just like suits and ties to me, you know?

Lt. Theo Kojak: Look, a stick-up man is a stick-up man. A robber is a robber and a hijacker is a hijacker. That's what they do: the rob, they steal and they hijack. They don't peddle morphine on the streets!
Capt. Frank McNeil: Maybe they sold the whole load, split. Maybe the idea of sending in a chemist spooked them.
Lt. Theo Kojak: And maybe they give away door prizes at the tombs.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Gloria] You stop talking to me like a john or I'll take my lollipop away.

Christie: [Christie is feeding Tina food and the camera pans to show Erich and Annabelle eating across from each other, on each side of Christie] Be a good girl, Tina, and eat your supper.
Erich: Eat your own supper, Christie.
[Tina is shown with food on her mouth and she opens an eye to Erich, and then closes it]
Erich: [subdued] Oh, I didn't know your doll could wink.
Christie: Tina can't wink, Daddy.
Erich: Really? I thought... never mind. Where'd you buy her?
[drinks from a teacup]
Annabelle: [with a smile] Mason's. Should be a good playmate for Christie.
Erich: Mmmhmm. Lacking a brother or sister; is that what you mean?
[mood and tone changes]
Annabelle: I didn't say that.
Erich: But that's why you bought the doll, isn't it? Sort of a reminder?
[drinks from teacup again]
Annabelle: It hadn't occurred to me, but if that's what you want to think...
[she stands and the doorbell immediately rings and she goes to the door. As Christie is busy with Tina, Annabelle speaks again]
Annabelle: It's Linda.
[Christie immediately turns back]
Annabelle: Are you through with your dinner?
Christie: Yes, Mommy. May I take Tina?
Annabelle: Not outside. You can show her to Linda later.
[as Tina gets up and goes out and Annabelle is busy cleaning, Tina is moving on her own]
Talky: My name is Talky Tina, and I'm beginning to hate you.
[Erich stares at her and wipes his mouth, then slowly goes to sit in Christie's chair and uses a napkin to wipe Tina's mouth]
Erich: [mock kindness] My name is Erich Streator and I'm gonna get rid of you.
Talky: [moving] You wouldn't dare!
Erich: Oh? Wouldn't I?
[takes Tina and sits her in front of him on the table]
Talky: Annabelle would hate you, Christie would hate you, and I would hate you.
[Erich chuckles, takes out a cigarette and Annabelle enters the room]
Erich: [cigarette in his mouth] Just seeing how it works.
[takes out matches and lights one and flicks it at the doll]
Talky: Ow!
[Erich chuckles a bit and lights his cigarette]
Erich: So, you have feelings.
Talky: Doesn't everything?
Erich: Then I can hurt you.
Talky: Not really, but I could hurt *you*.
Erich: [laughs] Threats from a doll.
[Annabelle comes back in]
Annabelle: Who're you talking to?

Capt. Frank McNeil: When I was in school my grandmother died six times; always during the World Series.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh yeah? We all had the same grandmother.

Lt. Theo Kojak: You know, any man that can put so much violence and sex into a piece of stone, he doesn't have to violate flesh. He gets his kicks with his hammer and chisel.
Capt. Frank McNeil: The Commissioner's gonna violate you with a hammer and chisel if we don't tie a can on this.

Lt. Theo Kojak: You tell these G-men that they're obstructing justice and I want DeLuca down here! Otherwise I'll bust these Feds for their funny haircuts!

Kojak: You can't corrupt it. And you know why? Because to corrupt it, you've got to show how corrupt you really are.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [chuckles] When I was a kid on the East Side, we used to go fishing in the East river to see who could catch the ugliest thing. Look at me, I got first prize. I got me a dead East Side gorilla.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Now look, two things I want you to remember, kiddo. Number one: you're marrying my favorite niece.
Eugene: Right.
Lt. Theo Kojak: And number two: my favorite niece's favorite uncle is a cop.
Eugene: Hey, I won't forget that, sir.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Yeah, 'sir'. You can cool the 'sir', because next week at this time, you'll be crying uncle. Get used to it, 'cause that's what you'll be calling me.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Broen] You just bought yourself a lifetime supply of insomnia. Now you get your fat carcass out of here before I book you for violating the ecology.