Top 50 Quotes From Onslow

Daisy: You never noticed when I got that new nightie.
Onslow: Let me give you a tiny word of advice, Daise. Now, you'll not find this in your romantic novels, but if you're going to wear a see-through nightie, don't wear a vest!

[last lines]
Onslow: I like the country.
Daisy: Mmm.
Onslow: There's never a dull moment.

Rose: Why is Father standing in a bucket?
Daisy: Is he standing in a bucket?
Rose: Just standing there with both feet in the bucket.
Onslow: Is he quiet?
Rose: Yes.
Onslow: So leave him alone. Get yourself another bucket.
Rose: But I don't want a bucket!
Daisy: So why do you care if Father is standing in a bucket?
Rose: [Looks around in frustration] I wish I'd never asked!

Rose: [to Hyacinth] Can you ask that Vicar if he has a vacancy for an experienced helper of a willing nature?
Daisy: Make that two.
Onslow: May I remind you that you are a married woman?
Daisy: Yes.
[eagerly]
Daisy: Go on, remind me.
[starts pawing Onslow]
Daisy: Remind me!

[last lines]
Onslow: They've thrown her in. I bet somebody's just snapped. Just look at that stiff upper lip. You've got to admire that stiff upper lip.

Onslow: Daisy, I am not just a play thing.

Rose: Why is Onslow reading the Financial Times?
Onslow: I like to keep an eye on the economy. A bloke in my position has to wonder how long the country can afford him. If we don't get the economy right, people like me are gonna be in trouble! It's the duty of all of us to be concerned about the shrinking pound.
Daisy: And when I married him, I thought he was just a sex symbol.

[last lines]
Emmet: There you are, Richard! I've only just heard that you've been very busy mending the electrics. How's it going?
Richard: I'm finished, now.
Emmet: Hidden talents, eh? You're a dark horse, Richard!
Richard: Well, you know how it is.
[grabs the switch]
Richard: Now, is everybody ready?
Michael the Vicar: This is like the switch on in Regent Street at Christmas!
Onslow: Hang on. Let's do it properly. We ought to have a countdown.
Emmet: Good idea! Ten...
Emmet,109047: Nine... eight... seven... six... five...!
[Richard throws the switch and every electrical fixture in the church hall blows up. Daddy evacuates everybody as the front door of the church hall is blasted open, and Hyacinth runs to Richard]
Hyacinth: Richard! What's happened?
Richard: I think I'm better with Christmas tree lights!

Onslow: I'll say this much for your Hyacinth, she leaves a lot of happiness behind her. It's such a relief when she's gone.

Rose: I didn't know what love was, until along came Mr. Bickerstaff. I can't go anywhere until I get his phone call; he'll panic if I'm not here to tell him I love him!
Onslow: You go with Daisy. If a Bickerstaff rings, I'LL tell him you love him!

Daisy: She's a real organizer, our Hyacinth.
Onslow: She's a real...
Daisy: Onslow!

Onslow: Listen, Rose, if you're gonna start coming in at the crack of dawn, the least you could do is bring breakfast!
Rose: But you never eat breakfast!
Daisy: That's only because he tends to stay in bed until dinnertime.
Onslow: On principle, I've got nothing against breakfast. I'd eat breakfast if somebody brought it, wouldn't I? It's not against my religion or anything.
Rose: What IS against your religion?
Daisy: Getting up before dinnertime!
[She and Rose both laugh]
Onslow: I notice YOU'RE still in bed.
Daisy: A wife's place is beside her husband!

Onslow: Did you bring any beer?
Rose: No, I didn't.
Onslow: I'm sitting here completely surrounded by no beer!

Rose: I am giving up the hurly-burly of the romantic jungle. I'm retiring from an active love life!
Onslow: [corrects her] Overactive.

Daisy: I don't know how you keep the pace, our Rose.
Rose: It's not easy. If you relax for a minute they're going back to their wives. I envy you, our Daisy.
Daisy: Me?
Rose: It must be wonderful being married to a bum like your Onslow. So you can let yourself go completely.
Daisy: I wouldn't say completely.
Onslow: Near enough, completely.

Onslow: Is there any beer?
Daisy: You're not having any beer till after the christening.
Onslow: It's supposed to be a celebration, not a famine. Daisy, I really need a beer. On account of your Hyacinth will be here any minute.
Daisy: You're right. We'll both have a beer.

Onslow: Is she really writing her memoirs?
Onslow: Looks like it.
Rose: [walks in] How do you spell 'virgin'? Is it 'e-r' or 'i-r'?
Onslow: [shocked] Is she going back that far?

Onslow: Listen, Daisy. When I promised to love, honour and obey, I didn't necessarily mean *every* Tuesday.

Rose: [on the telephone]
[giggles]
Rose: Oh, Roger! I'm not that kind of girl.
Onslow: How long is your Rose going to be lying on that telephone?
Daisy: How should I know?
Rose: Oh, that's a wicked thing to say, Roger, to a woman of my inexperience.
Onslow: I hope he knows what he's letting himself in for, this poor prat.
Daisy: You shouldn't listen in to other people's conversations.
Onslow: She'll Rose him to death. It's inhuman.

Rose: Don't be a swine, Onslow.
Onslow: I don't see why I should start changing the habits of a lifetime.

Daisy: Daddy's nowhere round the block!
Rose: Nobody's seen him!
Daisy: Did our Hyacinth ring?
Onslow: No.
Rose: Did Mr. Bickerstaff ring?
Onslow: Nobody rang.
Daisy: I ASKED her to ring! Onslow, you'll have to get the car out, love. We'll have to go and tell her.
Rose: What if Mr. Bickerstaff rings?
Daisy: You can phone Mr. Bickerstaff at our Hyacinth's!
Onslow: On her white, slimline, push-button telephone.

Daisy: Come on, Onslow! I'd help you find YOUR father!
Onslow: Well, that's easy. We know where he is. He's been dead for 12 years!

Onslow: [Onslow's car backfires as he pulls up] Made it, Vicar.
The: Hello, Onslow, Daisy. You've still got the old bone-shaker, I see.
Onslow: Aye. And the car's as bad as ever.
[laughs]

Onslow: Did you shuffle these cards?
Daisy: I'm a good shuffler.
Onslow: That's in bed.
Daisy: How would you know? You're never awake.
Rose: That's what I miss: a little companionship in my lonely bed.
Onslow: No wonder yours is a lonely bed; you're always in somebody else's.

Daisy: Are we going to get up?
Onslow: You don't have to go to pieces just because it's a beautiful day!
Daisy: [Rose comes in, wearing the negligee she was sleeping in, and Daisy is aghast] Will you put something on, our Rose? You'll be upsetting Onslow!
Onslow: [Is trying to go back to sleep] No she won't, not this time of the morning.
Rose: Dad's gone again, he left a note this time!
[Reads the note]
Rose: "Condition Red. Enemy aircraft approaching. Don't get up, I'll handle it. Have you seen my ration book?" - Dad
Daisy: NOW we'll have to get up!
Onslow: I'll kill your father...

Onslow: [Repeated line] Is there any more beer?

Rose: How can you put up with him?
Daisy: I suppose it's love!
Onslow: Forget it. I've got headache.

Daisy: Onslow, we're getting a new three-piece suite. Our Hyacinth's old one.
Onslow: It looks like new! Isn't it going to clash with our decor?

[last lines]
Onslow: Great idea of yours, Dicky, to drag me in here. Cheers.
Richard: Cheers. Onslow, I-I-I don't want to be personal, but at the church hall just now, wasn't that Daisy?
Onslow: Daisy?
Richard: Your wife.
Onslow: Oh, that Daisy.
Richard: Didn't you think it was... funny?
Onslow: Suppose I did really. I never knew she liked motorbikes.

Onslow: [Hyacinth comes into view, fleeing from the Major's unwelcome advances and covered in mud and brush from the long run] What the heck...
Daisy: What's happened to our Hyacinth?
Onslow: At a rough guess, I'd say she'd been mauled by a bear!

Onslow: [from an upstairs window] You've woken the dog!
Richard: Morning, Onslow.
Hyacinth: Don't say good morning to him when I've just been savaged by his dog.
Onslow: Less noise, you daft bitch. And that goes for you as well, dog.

Onslow: [Dumbfounded, after Daisy accuses him of being untrustworthy because he's attractive to women] I'm work-shy, bone idle, and out of condition! What makes you think I'm attractive to women?
Daisy: I married you, didn't I?
Onslow: When I was younger!
Daisy: You were still work-shy, bone idle, and out of condition.
Onslow: Well, yeah, but I was better-dressed.

Onslow: I don't remember tearing your dress off. Are you sure you were with me?
Daisy: Do you mind?
Onslow: I don't usually tear your dress off.
Daisy: I've noticed.
Onslow: You've usually got it off before I get through the door. Heh heh heh!
Daisy: It was one of Rose's engagement parties! Yeah.
Onslow: Well that doesn't narrow it down much. Your Rose has had more engagement parties than I've had bags of crisps.
Rose: I heard that!

Onslow: I admit I used to be a bit of a menace with the female sex. I was dynamite. To me the Kama Sutra was an owner's manual.

Daisy: [referring to a knock at the door in the middle of the night] Suppose it's a mad strangler!
Onslow: They don't usually knock on the door.

Daisy: [to Onslow in bed] We hardly have any conversation these days. Even when we make love you rarely speak to me. Especially when we make love you rarely speak to me.
Onslow: You think doing two things at once is a formula for success?
Daisy: Its just that, at times like that, a woman likes a little confirmation that there's actually somebody there.
Onslow: It's that memorable is it? I'll tell you why I don't like chatting when I'm making love to you. Because the last time, right in the middle of things, you said to me: 'Onslow, if I'd've died in child birth, would you have married again?'
Daisy: Well, would you?
Onslow: Married again? I couldn't even finish making love!

Onslow: I'm glad you're here, Vicar. When you've got a moment, can I have a word with you about exorcising somebody?
Michael the Vicar: Not...!
Onslow: No, no, Not her.

Daisy: [Answers the phone] Hello? Who? I'm sorry, I can't hear the phone for the television.
[shouts so she can be heard over the TV]
Daisy: Onslow, I can't hear the phone call for the television!
Onslow: Well, turn it down! That's the practical solution. Why is it women never think practically?
Daisy: [to the phone, seething] Excuse me a moment, but there's a fault at this end and it won't get out of it's chair!

Onslow: [wincing while waking up] Oh! I've had a terrible night.
Daisy: I know. I was there.

Onslow: Here it is. Plan A. I'll stay here in case he comes home. You two go and look for him.
Rose: I can't go! I'm expecting a phone call from Mr. Bickerstaff.
Daisy: Who's Mr. Bickerstaff?
Rose: Who's Mr. Bickerstaff? He's only the best thing that ever happened to me. A chance to start again, to build on the security of someone who cares for me!
Daisy: I thought that was Mr. Crabtree!
Rose: Don't speak to me about that swine...

Daisy: [Onslow and Daisy are lying in bed; Onslow is asleep]
Daisy: You used to like me in that pink dress. You used to say, "wow Dais, that pink dress!"
Daisy: [Daisy pokes Onslow to wake him up]
Daisy: What is it you liked about my pink one?
Onslow: [Bleary-eyed, confused] Your pink what?
Daisy: My pink dress! You said you liked me in that pink dress!
Onslow: Aw Dais, what kind of way is that to wake a person up? Other people get a cup of tea!
Daisy: You said I looked really edible in that pink dress.
Onslow: You haven't got a pink dress.
Daisy: Not now. You *tore* it off me that night!
Onslow: I tore it off you?
Daisy: Yes you did!
Onslow: You must have been on fire.

Rose: Father thinks he's back in the war. He's started talking to his old Colonel again.
Daisy: Colonel Dawlish?
Onslow: He's been dead 30 years!
Daisy: Go and see him, Onslow, before he starts digging trenches again.
Rose: The state that garden's in, somebody ought to dig it.
Daisy: Not four foot deep!

Onslow: [to Daisy] What discourages me about looking for your father is we usually find him.

Daisy: Why don't we have a second honeymoon?
Onslow: I remember what happened the first time.
Daisy: Me too. I remember what happened the first time.
Onslow: We argued the all the time.
Daisy: Not all the time
Onslow: Nearly all the time. I couldn't get over that confession of yours!
Daisy: Well, I thought it was only proper. If we were starting married life, we shouldn't have any secrets.
Onslow: But what a time to spring it on a bloke. On his wedding night! I barely got started on all your new underwear and then you told me.
Daisy: I thought it was a bit much, you getting straight up and going out for a long walk.
Onslow: I had to think about things. I had to decide if I could live with it.
Daisy: I can't think what was so bad about it!
Onslow: You should have come clean about it before we got married.
Daisy: You wouldn't have married me.
Onslow: You were lucky I didn't divorce you.
Daisy: It's not grounds for divorce.
Onslow: Being a Liverpool supporter!

Rose: [to Daisy] How do you spell "memoirs"?
Onslow: [Pipes up] M-E-M-O-I-R-S.
Rose: And I thought he was just a big idle slob!
Onslow: He's a big idle slob that can spell!

Daisy: [Onslow just woke up and she's trying to have a sensible conversation with him but failing] Onslow, where do go to join the Legion?
Onslow: Cooper Street.
Daisy: Not the British Legion! The French Foreign Legion!
Onslow: They'll never take you - it's only for fellas!
Rose: Sounds like it might be worth a try...
Daisy: It's not for ME, you fool! It's for FATHER! He's gone to join the French Foreign Legion!
Onslow: He'll never get through the medical!

Daisy: [watching Daddy patrol the house] We're gonna have to do something about father. Onslow, bring him inside.
Onslow: Leave him where he is. Let's see if the rent man can get past that!

Daisy: [a gypsy is at Daisy and Onslow's front door] It's bad luck not to buy something from a gypsy!
Onslow: Bad luck? When we live like this, how can you be scared of bad luck?

[last lines]
Hyacinth: What a disaster to my tea and light refreshments.
Onslow: I could murder some light refreshments.
Hyacinth: If it wasn't for Sheridan's good news, I don't know what this day would have been.
Richard: Good news from Sheridan?
Hyacinth: He's moved in with a very suitable friend. They're making their own curtains. Apparently his friend's very good with a needle. He has prizes for embroidery. Well, you'd better come in and have some tea and light refreshments.
[starts off then turns back]
Hyacinth: Onslow, before you come in, just shift this wreck next door, will you, dear?
Onslow: [to Richard] Prizes for embroidery?
Richard: Let's move the car, shall we, Onslow?

Rose: What I really need is transport. If I had transport, a driver to run me round, I could dramatically increase the range of my earning power.
Onslow: What about one of your boyfriends?
Rose: Ooh, all they want to do is mess about. I'm a working girl; I haven't time for messing about!
Daisy: [Daisy looks romantically at Onslow] I remember when we used to mess about.
Onslow: I'll get the car!