Top 30 Quotes From Principal Figgins

Will: [suspicious about Sue] You think she has a brain tumor? That can cause erratic behavior.
Principal: All I know is that she walked in unnanounced and she wrote me a check for three new handicapped ramps.
Will: I... I... I just don't get it. I mean, first putting Becky in Cheerios, now this. What is her angle?
Principal: Why ask why?

Sue: I'm instating a new policy whereby we play Madonna's Greatest Hits over the P.A. system, quite loudly, throughout the entire school day.
Principal: But blasting her delicious hooks would make it impossible for the students to concentrate.
Sue: Ah, who cares? Madonna never finished college. She hopped a cab for the bright lights of New York City with thirty-five bucks in her pocket. And I think we should encourage our pupil to do the same. You say the word, and I will provide you a list of the students I believe should be rounded up and shipped off immediately.
Principal: I am sorry, Sue. This is insanity!
Sue: What you call insanity, I call inspiration. Let me break it down for you. It's been the biggest dream of my career to pay homage to Madonna, the woman most responsible for my take no prisoners demeanor, and my subconcious tendency to always be desperately looking for someone named Susan. And now my Cheerios squad this year finally has the talent to make that dream come true. You will not take that dream from me. Do you not understand the blackmail process and how it works?
[flashback to them in bed, Sue fully clothed]
Sue: [taking a selfie with her camera] Smile.
[back to real time]
Sue: I have your wife's number on speed dial. To recap, you will be playing those Madonna hits throughout the day at an earsplitting volume. Understood?

Sue: Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without written consent from the president of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!
Principal: Oh, Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without two confetti cannons.
Sue: You think your kids can manage life without their daddy?
Will: We're barely surviving on the budget we have. Slashing the Glee budget by ten percent, cutting our transportation to and from events is like cutting our legs off.

Will: This isn't fair.
Principal: Is it fair that I had to stop providing the baseball team with protective cups? I only get a certain amount of dollars a year to spend, William.
Will: Yeah, but Artie is...
Principal: Is used to overcoming challenges. He'll just have to find his own ride to sectionals. That handi-capable bus costs $600 a week to rent. We can't afford it.
Will: Oh, but there's enough money in the budget to fly the Cheerios all over the country for their competitions?
Principal: Sue Sylvester has boosters that write fat checks. None of her travel expenses come out of the school budget.
Will: Look, when I was in the glee club, the best part of the competitions was the bus ride to the event. It was about camaraderie and supporting each other.
Principal: You think I feel good about this?
Will: Well, my students won't stand for it.
Principal: That's very moving, but my hands are tie, Schue. If you want that bus, you're going to have to find a way to pay for it yourself.

Principal: I'm sorry, Schue, but I cannot let this slide.
Will: But the kids weren't even paid!
Sue: There's a stack of mattresses in the choir room piled as high as the empty hair gel bottles in the dumpster outside your apartment!
Will: Okay, we'll give the mattreses back.
Principal: Schue, one of those mattresses was used. You can't return a used mattress. You can't even donate one to charity; lice, bedbugs. I looked it up online!
Sue: Is there any reason that you have a soiled mattress in your office, Will? Have you and the redhead become so sexually depraved that you have to commit your craven acts of adultery in between classes?
Principal: What?
Will: I slept... you know what? Okay, fine. I slept here, all right?
Principal: Excuse me?
Will: [sitting down with a heavy sigh] I'm thinking about leaving my wife.
Sue: Well, I didn't see that one coming at all.

Principal: Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous! Our insurance premium is through the roof as it is!
Sue: Cheerleading is a sport. There are dangers involved. It's the same as when a quarterback is sacked, or a hockey player is slammed up against the boards.
Will: Enough, Sue. There is no excuse for putting a student's life at risk.
Sue: I'm a tastemaker, Will. I know what an audience wants. You're not going to take this away from me. I need this. This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again.
Principal: But the risk and danger isn't to you!
Sue: That's the best part.

Sue: [from having "Physical" video posted online] That video has received over a hundred and seventy thousand comments. I took the liberty of printing out a few
Principal: [reading comment] The man in this video looks like the champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester.
Sue: That was particularly hurtful.

Principal: And now, performing the hit single, Tik and also Tok, by rapper Ke-dollar sign-Ha.

Will: This is a joke.
Principal: William, Sandy's never been formally charged with anything. And the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash. This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in the chair complaining how I don't care about the arts program?
Will: This was you. You have always been out to get me.
Sue: Well, if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.
Sandy: William, take a chill pill. I'm here to help you.
Will: [skeptical] Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?

Principal: Sue, the dry cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.

Principal: Schue, I'm afraid Sue is right. You have indeed "stepped in it".
Will: I didn't even know that this was going on.
Sue: Well of course you didn't Will. You wouldn't even know if your Glee Club was using your office to breed rabbit for pets or for food. You know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair was enormous amounts of product. I mean today it just looks like you put lard in it.

Will: You know, Sue, there are a lot of people at this school who dislike you. My kids don't do stuff like this.
Sue: Is that so? Exhibit B.
Will: What's a Glist?
Sue: It's a "Glee List", William. It's a weekly ranking of your glee club, based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity. It was posted all over the school an hour ago. Apparently, you get a point for each act of perpetuated depravity.
Will: What makes you think my kids did this?
Principal: The Glist was made on a library computer using the pass code "gleeclub".
Sue: Your glee club is a petri dish of sexual depravity.
Principal: Sue's right, Will. Why, only last year, a list was posted ranking McKinley's ten ugliest Gingers. And the perpertrator would have been expelled had it not turned out to be a member of the faculty!
Sue: I stand by that list.

Bryan: I'm here to do an audit of our curriculum, Will. We may need to cut some of our district's art programs.
Principal: It's really just a formality, William.
Bryan: No, it's not. We'll probably cut the glee club.
Will: What? But... but you were in the glee club. Show choir was your life.
Bryan: It was, Will. And after I graduated, I hit the big time. I was a featured soloist at King's Island in "The Dooble-Dee-Doo Musical Revue". We were a smash. Then for three years, I did the cruise ship circuit. But when that dried up, I realized I had been sold a bill of goods. Nine years later, I woke up on a urine-stained matress in the West Lima crack district. Then... something amazing happened. I was introduced to Jesus. He was my Honduran social worker. I straightened up, put down the pipe, met the love of my life, Wilma, and now I run a successful used Hummer dealership. Don't make that face. Global warming's a theory.

Principal: I need those parents happy! They found out we've been serving the children prison food.

Sue: Here's a list of the kids I want shipped off to New York with thirty-five bucks in their pocket. Operation Madonna is now complete.
Principal: Sue, these are all Glee kids.
Sue: Yep.
Principal: Um... I... I'm sorry, Sue. I'm having trouble concentrating. Your new look is...
Sue: [wearing a copy of Madonna's cone-cup bra over her tracksuit] Fantastic. Yeah, I agree.
Principal: Unncessary. Sue, you're a powerful woman. You don't need to copy anyone else. You're an original, just like Madonna. Don't lose that quality.
Sue: Do you mean that, or are you just saying that because I poked a couple of kids' eyes out before second period today?

Principal: Wipe away!

Principal: Sectionals is coming up. What are your co-director plans?
Will: Oh, we were actually... uh, we're each going to direct our own number.
Sue: And we'll be flipping a coin to see who goes first. It'll be very civilized.
Will: Hmm, yeah.
Sue: Very sportsmanlike, so...
Principal: This arrangement is pleasing to all.
Sue: Isn't it?
Will: It's great.
Principal: Now... let's hug it out.
Will: [awkward laugh] I'd rather not do that
Sue: I really don't see that happening.
Principal: This meeting doesn't end until I see your bodies touching. It's a technique I learned last week at my leadership seminar.

Will: What the hell were you thinking? You gave drugs to my students?
Terri: I'll say it again. They are over-the-counter, FDA approved. And if I didn't give it to them, I'm sure the kids would just find a way to get them for themselves.
Will: No! No, they wouldn't. These are good kids.
Terri: Nothing bad happened.
Principal: Howard Bamboo got arrested.
[cut to cops tackling Howard in the drugstore]
Terri: Well, that.
Will: Wait. What?
Principal: Pseudophedrine is an ingredient in the manufacturing of methamphetamines. Howard got picked up by the feds on suspicion of running a crystal meth lab.
Terri: I never told Howard to get them all in one place.
Will: Okay, enough, Terri. How are we supposed to raise a baby when I can't trust you to look after a group of teenagers?

Principal: Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of last time.

Principal: Just listen to Key-Dollar Sign-Ha!
Will: You mean Ke$ha?

Principal: I'm recommending one month's suspension and summer school to make up for any lost class time.
Will: Can we have a moment alone, please?
[Finn leaves]
Will: You can't do this to him. He was just coming to rehearsal in his costume. That's not a crime.
Principal: Nine children have already signed up for after-school therapy. I had to bring in a grief counselor.
Will: Last year when the Cheerios won the national championship, Santana pantsed Brittany, and she was wearing a lot less than her underwear.

Sue: [passing Schue in the hall] Hey, man-whore.
Brenda: Will Schuester?
Will: Yeah.
Brenda: I'm Brenda Castle. I'm the new astronomy teacher and badminton coach. I also happen to be an alcoholic, and... I like pills. I hear that's just your type. Let's go in this classroom and pork!
Will: [pulling away] No.
Principal: I am praying for you, William. We've all heard about your gallivanting!
Will: But nothing happened!
Ken: Maybe that's not what matters, Will. You broke the heart of somebody who doesn't let people get close to her.
Will: I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
Ken: You probably didn't mean to hurt me, either, but lately I've been feeding my feelings to the tune of 6,000 calories a day.
Sue: [passing Will again] Slut.

Will: I'd like to take over Glee Club.
Principal: You want to captain the Titanic, too?
Will: I think I can make it great again. There is no joy in these kids. They feel invisible. That's why every one of them has a MySpace page.
Principal: Sixty bucks a month. That's what I need to keep this program up.
Will: A-a-and you... you expect me to pay it?
Principal: I'm certainly not going to pay for it. We're not talking about Cheerios here, Will. They were on Fox Sports Net last year. When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again, you can have all the money you want. Until then, sixty bucks a month. And you've got to use the costumes and props you already have. But we need the stools for woodshop.

Shannon: Studies show that the best way to bring in alumni donations is through a successful athletic department; specifically, a winning football team.
Sue: Who's this?
Shannon: I'm Shannon Beiste. I'm the new football coach. Spelled B-E-I-S-T-E. It's French.
Will: I'm sorry, what happened to Ken Tanaka?
Principal: Nervous breakdown. Don't look at it as a punishment. Look at it as an investment into your clubs' futures. The more money the football program brings in, the more I can give back to you guys! Coach Beiste here is fresh off her fifth consecutive all-Missouri high school football championship. We've very lucky to have her!
Shannon: What can I say? I like a challenge.
Sue: First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse, sin against nature. Number two, I'm sure you're used to hilbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles. But you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.
Shannon: Do not get up into a panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelet.
Sue: That doesn't make any sense.

Will: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Principal: William, there's someone I'd like to introuce you to. He's the newest member of our school board, and he'd like to speak to you. Will Schuester, meet Mr. Bryan Ryan.
Bryan: [smirking at Will] We've met.
Will: [voiceover] Bryan Ryan. We went to school together, and he made my life a living hell. He was two years older. Dated every girl I liked. Got every solo.
[flashback; Bryan and another student finish singing "Daydream Believer"]
Bryan: What's the matter, Schuester? Cat got your talent?

Principal: Quiet, please, children. Quiet now. First, students who ate the ravioli today and are not up to date on their tetanus shots should see the nurse immediately. Welcome to our homecoming pep assembly. Because of last week's grisly train derailment, the dulcimer club is on hiatus until further notice. But do we ever have a treat for you. Fresh off their last place finish at the regionals, please give it up for the New Directions!

Will: You cannot allow this to happen!
Principal: It's out of my hands, William. I have no control over what the Show Choir Governing Board says or does.
Sue: Let me break it down for you, Will. It's been decided that this year's regionals will be judged by celebrities. And I'm a celebrity now, William. Now, I realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality, but face it. I'm a legend. It's happened.

Will: I don't mean to state the obvious, but you do know that vampires aren't real, right? They don't exist.
Principal: William, denial will not make this problem go away!
Tina: My parents won't even let me watch "Twilight". My mom says she thinks Kristen Stewart seems like a bitch.
Principal: This is a serious problem! Ms. Cohen-Chang, you've got to find yourself another style of dress!
Will: Hold on a second. Tina is shy, and one way she's found to express herself is through her clothes. High school is an incredibly important time when kids get to explore who they are. When I was in high school, I had a whole year where I dressed exactly like Kurt Cobain. I mean, come on. There has to be someone who you used to dress like.
Principal: Yes. For several years in my early twenties, I dressed up as Elvis. But he was a Christian, Will! And he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat!
Tina: [quietly] I think he thinks vampires are real.
Will: [just as quietly] I think you're right.

Principal: It's decided. You are not allowed to fire anyone out of that cannon without their consent!
[leaving, Sue begins a tear around his secretary's desk outside]
Principal: It's coming out of your paycheck! Every penny of it!
[she continues out in the hall with students around]
Principal: Oh, god!
Will: It's a lawsuit.

Principal: These students have committed a felony. They are hereby expelled.
Shelby: Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled. I'm not going to press charges as long as you pay for the damage. You can take it out of the glee club budget.
Will: That'll bankrupt the glee club. We don't have that kind of money.
Finn: We'll get jobs. Give us a month. We'll... we'll pay you back, Ms. Corcoran, I promise.
Shelby: Fine.
Principal: Ms. Corcoran, you are as wise and maganimous as you are beautiful.
Will: [Shelby leaves] Thank you.
Sue: Well, you just can't win, can you, William? You never have, and you never will.