300 Best Lea Michele Quotes

Rachel: Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat" to a boy in a wheelchair?
Artie: I think Mr. Schue's using irony to enhance the performance.
Rachel: There's *nothing* ironic about show choir!

Noah: [voiceover, as he plays guitar while Rachel sings "What a Girl Wants"] I know this looks weird, but wait until you see what happens next.
[in real time]
Noah: My ears are starting to hurt. Could we take a break?
Rachel: Okay.
Noah: You want to make out?
Rachel: Sure.

Chanel: I actually don't care that tonight's the last night of Kappa Kappa Tau because I have successfully used this sorority for its proper, god-given purpose.
Hester: To be part of a sisterhood and make lifelong friends!
Chanel: Eww. No. For making me popular enough to get a hot, rich husband!

Will: Nine months ago, there were five of you in here. And we sucked. I mean, we really sucked. Bad. One day, all of you are going to be gone. And all of this, all of us will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone's name. Someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got or didn't get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much to let you not make the most of it. Now, I was gonna quit once, but you guys brought me back with "Don't Stop Believin'". It was a nine, but we are going to make it a ten.
Rachel: We're doing "Don't Stop" at regionals?
Will: And then some. We are doing a Journey medley. Because who cares what happens when we get there when the getting there has been so much fun?

Holly: Hey, Rachel.
Rachel: Hello, Ms. Holliday. I'd like you to know that I have a very severe bruise on my right buttock from your game of gangsta rap musical chairs. I'll be going on record with the school nurse later today.
Holly: Rachel, you suck. Oh, my god, you're like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that?
Noah: [passing by] I have.
Holly: Oh, Puckerman, here are the answers to the pop quiz I'll be giving in Spanish class later. It is *so* boring in there.

Rachel: [after Puck gets slushied] You're actually a lot luckier than me and Quinn. Your head is shaved.
Noah: I'm really sorry I ever did this to you.
Rachel: It's okay.
Noah: No, it isn't. No one deserves this feeling. You know what the worst part is? It's not the burning in your eyes or the way the slushie drips all the way into your underpants. It's the humiliation. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment.

Will: Sorry I'm late, guys. I was with Principal Figgins. Bad news, guys. Puckerman's in juvie.
Tina: It really was just a matter of time.
Quinn: What did he do?
Will: He drove his mom's Volvo through the front of a convenience store, and drove off with the ATM.
Rachel: [the club snickers] A-a-and when is he getting out?
Will: Unknown.
Brittany: He might be the dumbest person on this planet, and that's coming from me.

[Will writes the name 'Madonna' on the white board]
Will: What comes to mind when you see that name?
Rachel: Genius.
Kurt: Icon.
Noah: Hall of fame MILF.

Rachel: This is a disaster.
Finn: Could you stop pacing? It's stressing me out.
Rachel: It's just... being the "it" couple is so much harder than I thought. I... I am so stumped at how to lose this thing.
Finn: Wait, I got it. You remember we saw "Grease", and it was good, and then we saw "Grease 2" and I fell asleep, but you said the difference was that the songs...
Rachel: Were bad.
Rachel: Yeah. If we want to lose, we have to do a song that's bad.
Finn: And not just a bad song, an offensive song.
Rachel: [with a squeal of delight] Yes!

Will: All right, New Directions, let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club.
[overlapping angry shouting]
Mercedes: Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Schue. Are you serious?
Will: Hey! Come on! Guys!
Shannon: Hey!
Finn: Mr. Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer.
Rachel: And there's no way that I'm sharing the choir room with a known homophobe.
Will: I don't disagree with you guys. But I talked to Coach Beiste about it, and she and I both agreed that the kind of bullying that David does is born out of ignorance. Having him in here, as difficult as it may be for us, is an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys that being in Glee Club is kind of cool; find some common ground.

Will: Rachel, have you ever seen a tackle football game? When they tackle you, it hurts.
Noah: Yeah. And not in the good Mellencamp way.
Rachel: We thought about that. But the truth is, is that you guys don't really need us to play. You just need enough players out there to field a regulation team. So when they snap the ball, we're just gonna lie down on the ground. We're just gonna lie there.
Lauren: Well, I'm not. I'm gonna bring the pain.
Shannon: I guess they won't get hurt if you stay down.
Will: Okay, what do your parents have to say about this?
Tina: We all have signed permission slips from them. It took some convincing, but they understood what it means to all of us.
Will: What do you think, Coach?
Shannon: I think... welcome to the football team.

Kurt: I'm shaking, and it's either from low blood sugar or rage. I knew it was only a matter of time before Rachel tried to take over the Glee Club.
[flashback]
Rachel: [writing "ME" on the whiteboard] Class, in Mr. Schuester's absence, I'd like to go around and ask everyone what solos they'd like to hear me perform at sectionals.
Santana: [as the other kids restrain her] All right, you know what? Let me at her!

Mercedes: Rachel kind of got some intense news yesterday.
Quinn: We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline, and...
Will: You guys, that's not fair! You gotta stop doing that. But, uh, you know, what... what'd you find out?
Mercedes: Okay, y'all ready? Miss Corcoran, their coach? She's Rachel's mom.
Will: Are you serious?
Artie: Way to bury the lead, Mercedes.
Noah: We're screwed. Rachel's gonna jump ship over to Vocal Adrenaline.
Rachel: [entering] Never. I really don't want to talk about it, though. I'm still processing the news. And my dads are moving my therapist to our spare room later this afternoon. All I know is that I'm not going anywhere, and I've chosen a Lady Gaga look the longing for a childhood I was deprived of.
Brittany S. Pierce: You look terrible. I look awesome.
Mercedes: I think it's the Kermit the Frog look.
Kurt: [a stuffed animal falls off Rachel's dress] And we have a jumper.
Rachel: Well, my dads can't sew, so these are just stapled on.
Will: Guys, why don't we worry about this later and maybe try to focus on the song?

[the girls drop Chanel #2's corpse in the meat locker]
Hester: We should touch her. If we touch her, she won't haunt our dreams.
Chanel: Wait, why would she haunt our dreams?
Hester: And if her eyes are open, she'll take one of us with her.
Chanel: Take with her! What the hell are you talking about? Why are you trying to terrify us?

Rachel: You might think that all of the boys in school would want to tap this, but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date.

Rachel: New York Domino's is so much better than Lima Domino's.
Kurt: It's the water.

Will: Great news, guys. I've had a little inspiration. This week's musical lesson isn't really a lesson. It's a musical.
Rachel: [whispering to herself] Oh, please be "Evita". Please be "Evita".
Will: "Rocky Horror".
Finn: I've never seen it.
Rachel: Mr. Schue?
Will: Yup?
Rachel: While I admire your choice of the groundbreaking '70s musical, aren't you worried that the adult themes might be a point of controversy?
Kurt: Seriously. A school in Texas couldn't even do "Rent". It caused an outrage and they had to cancel the show.

Blaine: How is he?
Emergency: He has a fracture above his eye socket. He's asleep from the morphine but you can see him.
Sam: Hey Kurt buddy! You're on a lot of painkillers but you can wake up anytime!
Rachel: This is my fault! We got into a really big fight and I left him all alone!
Sam: I want to kill whoever did this to him?
Mercedes: Don't say that Sam. You don't mean it!
Blaine: I just wish he could hear me?
Rachel: He can hear us!

Rachel: Ladies, we have a problem. There's a new student at this school named Sunshine who is a Filipino and is shorter than me. Which I didn't think was possible and is very unnerving.
Mercedes: Okay, so I'm gonna go now.
Rachel: Wait! And... she has a remarkable voice. I'm just... I'm very worried. You know, not... not for myself, but for my lesser Glee Clubbers who don't get as many solos. So I've paid a hundred dollars to Azimio and Karofsky to brutally slushie us in front of Sunshine's locker, terrifying her and ensuring she doesn't sign up.
[seeing their expressions]
Rachel: Okay, so this is the part where you're supposed to be hugging me and thanking me.
Mercedes: That's awful. You're awful.
Rachel: But solos! I mean... I...
Kurt: Look, Rachel, Mercedes and I are about as self-involved as they come, but more than anything, we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline. And if there's someone at the school that can help us do that, they're in.

Sam: What time is it? It's gotta be like four in the morning.
Zayday: Y'all hear dat? D'y'all *hear* dat?
Tiffany: What are you guys talking about?
Zayday: [sound of small engine being started] Is that killer noises or am I hallucinating?
Tiffany: One more time, will you speak up?
Zayday: Is that a lawnmower?
Hester: What's happening?
Zayday: [screaming] Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.
Tiffany: Are you screaming...
Zayday: [screaming] Help me. Help me.
Tiffany: or singing?
Zayday: [screaming] Help me. Help, this is a nice neighborhood.
[all begin screaming]
Tiffany: Are you singing a Taylor Swift?
[begins singing mostly inaudible]
Hester: Help!
Tiffany: Holy crap!
[more screams]

Artie: But we don't want to go to sectionals without you.
Will: It's without me or not at all. Look, I was the one who slept on the mattress, which means I accepted them, not you. Which means I'm disqualified from competition, not you guys.
Noah: He's taking the bullet for us. Solid.
Will: We have worked too hard for you guys not to get your shot.
Finn: We can't do this without you, Mr. Schue. Hell, we probably can't do it with you.
Will: That's not true. You guys are good. You're really good. You did "Jump" for that commerical without me, right? Look, the best teachers don't give you the answers. They just point the way and let you make your own choices. Your own mistakes. That way, you get all the glory. And you deserve it. Look, if... if you can't win without me there, then I haven't done my job.
Rachel: We're really sorry, Mr. Schue.
Will: I know. I want you guys to go get gussied up and take that Glee Club photo with pride. I want to see a smile on every one of your faces.

Rachel: Don't use the fact that Jesse and I once had feelings for each other as an excuse for my inevitable win.
Kurt: Correction: you had feelings for him. He made breakfast on your head.

Finn: Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people!
Rachel: That was you?
Kurt: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.
Finn: I know.
Kurt: You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof.
Finn: I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry.

Will: I'm tired of this, Rachel. You have a terrible attitude, you're a lousy sport, and it is not okay anymore.
Rachel: Well, I'm upset! I'm furious about this! About a couple of things, actually.
Will: Well, I'm sorry you're disappointed. But you know, you could also make the choice to be happy that we're a part of a glee club that is bursting at the seams with talent. There's an awful lot of "me" talk going around. "What's in it for me?", "What solo am I gonna sing?". Now, when we go to sectionals, we're gonna be good sports. We'll cheer on the Hipsters, we'll cheer on Kurt and the Warblers. And if they win, we will congratulate them. Because that's who we are.

Rachel: Here are the glee club members who are not pulling their weight.
Will: This is half the club.

Santana: [to Finn] What did you just say to her?
[points at Rachel]
Finn: I said I thought you were great.
Santana: No, you're lying.
Rachel: No. He literally just said that.
Santana: [to Finn] You told her too?
Will: [stands up] Santana.
Santana: [to Finn] Everyone's gonna know now, because of you.
Finn: The whole school already knows. And you know what? They don't care.
Santana: Not just the school, you idiot. Everyone!
Finn: What are you talking abo...
[Santana slaps Finn and there's silence]

Rachel: [voiceover] Make fun of me all you want, but school pictures are everything to me. They're great practice for getting photographed by the paparazzi. Invasive as the press may be, stars are dependent on them for their fame, and I feel I must be prepared. In order to do so, I join every club I possibly can. I know you're thinking that I'm just joining all these club to give off the appearance that I'm involved, known to exist, but Glee Club is different. I really love Glee and I believe in what we stand for. We've come from behind, dismissed and ridiculed by everyone, and we've made something of ourselves. Something that I'm proud of be a part of, something I want to be remembered for.

April: These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be. That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on.
Rachel: Finn's taken, April.
April: Yeah, well, some guys like a little somethin'-somethin' on the side.
Rachel: I think your behavior is totally inappropriate, and your presence in this school is a complete travesty. What you choose to do with your life is your own business, but don't go around screwing up everyone else's.
April: I'm not afraid of you, sweetie. There was a time when I was the biggest star around here. And now that I've got that back... I'm never letting it go.

Rachel: So you said he comes this way at 3:30?
Kurt: Like clockwork for his post rehearsal medium drip.
Rachel: I just can't wait to lay one on him.
Kurt: I've got a bad feeling about this Rachel. I mean, I don't mean to be so cold, but I don't want you to get hurt either. There's no victory in this for me either way.
Rachel: Who cares about you buddy, I may get a new boyfriend out of this who can keep up with me vocally and in the future give me vaguely Eurasian looking children.
Kurt: There he is
Blaine: [walks in to the coffee shop]
Kurt: dreamy as ever.
Rachel: Okay, wish me luck.
Rachel: [Gets up and walks over to Blaine]
Blaine: Hey Rachel, what's going on?
[Rachel quickly kisses Blaine. He stares at Rachel blankly]
Blaine: Huh, yep, I'm gay. 100% gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me Rachel. Listen, save my space in line, will ya? I gotta go to the bathroom.
Kurt: [Walks up to Rachel] That was hard wasn't it?
Rachel: Are you kidding? That was amazing, I'm speechless. I just had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay. That is songwriting gold. Okay, I have to go compose, but thank you. Thank you!
Kurt: [Stands there watching her leave in stunned silence]

Rachel: [Christmas tree shopping with Finn] Last year, for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you.
[she leans up to kiss him, but he stops and pushes her away]
Finn: It's not last year anymore.
Rachel: It's Christmas, Finn. It's time for you to forgive me.
Finn: No, I... I can't. Okay? This is wrong. I shouldn't... I should have brought you here. You messed me up, Rachel. Can't you see how screwed up I am about this? I've had two girlfriends, and both of them have cheated on me. Maybe you can ask Santa again for me next year. I'm officially breaking up with you.

Hester: Chanel says I can hold her hair back now on purge nights.

Rachel: Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna... Rock. Your. World.

Jacob: How does it feel to be just a sophomore and get the lead in the school musical?
Rachel: It's an honor. Frankly, one I feel I've earned. If there's anything I've learned in my sixteen years on the stage, it's that stars are rare, and when they're found, you have to let them shine.
Jacob: [turning his recorded off] Show me your bra.
Rachel: You mean the one I'm wearing?
Jacob: Quid pro quo, Rachel. If you want a good review, show me your over the shoulder boulder holder.
Rachel: No way. You can't do that. My performance will stand on its own. Besides, no one reads the school paper, anyway.
Jacob: Oh, but I'll post my scathing review online. You'll be finished on the high school stage. Now get those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage.

Rachel: I'll never break up with you.
Finn: Me neither.

Will: [Rachel's sulking in the stands of the football field] You changed out of your costume.
Rachel: I'm tired of being laughed at.
Will: You're the best kid in there, Rachel. It comes with a price.
Rachel: Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.
Will: You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer.
Rachel: Everybody hates me.
Will: You think glee club is going to change that?
Rachel: Being great at something is going to change it. Being part of something special makes you special, right?

Will: Hey, can you give us the room, Rachel? We need to teach April the cues for "Don't Stop Believin'".
Finn: Wait, she's singing the female lead?
Rachel: Wait, she's in the Glee Club? She's... ancient.
April: Talent doesn't age, sweetheart.

Rachel: I know I may not be a typical beauty and no one's ever gonna pay me to walk the runway at Fashion Week or I'm not gonna cure cancer or write the great American novel, but if you give me a stage to sing on, I know in my gut, there's no one that can beat me.

Rachel: Cheater!
Finn: I don't know what you're talking about.
Rachel: You took performance enhancers before your mash-up. Kurt told me. It's deplorable, contemptible, and it's just plain wrong. It's also cheating. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start calling you F-Rod.
Finn: Hey, hey, hey. Back off. I'm nothing like A-Rod, okay? I'd never take steroids. They make your junk fall off. Listen, Rachel, you don't know what it's like for me, the kind of pressure I'm under.
Rachel: Oh, we all have pressures, but you know how I deal with it? The natural way, with a rigorous diet and exercise routine. I'm up at 6:00 a.m. every day. I have my protein shake with banana and flaxseed oil, and by 6:10, I'm on the elliptical. You know how I motivate myself? Not with anything artificial. I set a goal and I won't rest until I reach it.
Finn: Yeah, well, that's personal pressure. If you don't meet your goal, you're the only one who loses. I have to be the quarterback, the male lead, and deal with a pregnant girlfriend who yells at me about ice cream, so, yeah, maybe I helped me and my teammates out a little bit, but it's only because I'm sick and tired of working so hard and still losing.
Rachel: Yeah, but winning by cheating isn't winning.
Finn: Oh, don't give me that. The only reason you're so pissed about this is 'cause you know you can't compete with us.
Rachel: Oh, I am offended by that accusation. We haven't performed yet, but if I may say, our mash-up is spectacular.
Finn: Still isn't going to be as good. We're gonna win. You're gonna lose. Deal with it.

Rachel: Your face tastes awesome.

Finn: You know what we should do?
Rachel: Elope?
Finn: What?
Rachel: Nothing.

Finn: Wow. What am I going to do with my life? I don't have my girl. I don't have a job. I don't have a place in this world.
Rachel: You have you, and that's better than anyone else on the planet as far as I'm concerned.

Rachel: [voiceover, as she and Will sing "Endless Love"] Wow. I've never noticed this before, because he's always trying to destroy my career, but Mr. Schue has really pretty eyes. And really nice teeth. He's obviously invested in good oral hygiene, and that's important to me. It shows wonderful self-esteem.

Finn: [seeing Rachel with a mouthful of blue teeth] Ahh!
Kurt: Oh, my god!
Rachel: What?
[taking a compact from her purse, she looks at her reflection and covers her mouth in embarrassment]
Rachel: Ah! I don't understand. I floss between classes.
Dr. Carl Howell: Well, sometimes it's genetics.
Artie: [with his own mouth of blue teeth] I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.
Santana: There you go, blue tooth.
Brittany: [sporting blue teeth, too] I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.

Mercedes: The boys beat us last time we competed against them. We've got to bring the noise hard this time.
Quinn: To be fair, they didn't officially beat us. We got busted for Vitamin D possession before the vote.
Santana: Wait. Something's definitely wrong. Why isn't Rachel talking?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, she should totally be bossing us around right now.
Rachel: The idea of the assignment was to do the opposite of what we normally do. I'm just trying to stick to the lesson plan, which is proving nearly impossible since you're gluing those sequins on backwards.

Hester: The body count is about to go through the roof. From what I hear, this Green Meanie will make the Red Devil look like a Girl Scout.

Finn: [to Rachel] I was trying to give you your freedom.
Rachel: I don't need you to give me my freedom. I am a grown woman. I don't need you to hide from me to keep me from doing what is right for me.

Dr. Carl Howell: Rachel, wake up. You Glee kids are impossible to work on. You're always moving around when you're under.
Rachel: [groggy from the anesthesia] Is this real life?

Rachel: Where have you been?
Finn: Hiding out. Everyone hates me.
Rachel: No, they don't. Ant that doesn't explain why you haven't said a word to me since we've been back.
Finn: You should be more pissed at me than anyone else! I screwed up. I'm humiliated! And we worked so hard for everything, and I was supposed to be this big shot leader holding everyone together, and... I blew it. It cost us the championship.
Rachel: Look, being an artist is about expressing your true feelings in the moment, no matter what the consequences. What were your feeling in that moment?
Finn: That I loved you. And I would've done or given anything to kiss you one more time.
Rachel: So you did. You know, you gave it all up for one kiss. Was it worth it?
Finn: [pauses] Yeah. What about you? Was it worth it for you?
Rachel: [also pauses] Yeah. 'Cause I know in my heart we'll have another shot at Nationals. You have to know that I'm... I'm leaving, Finn. I'm going to New York and I'm never coming back.
Finn: Graduation is a year away. You got any plans 'til then?
[they kiss]
Rachel: Okay. Let's go!
Finn: Where are we going?
Rachel: Final Glee club meeting of the year.

Will: Why did you even let her in the house?
Terri: 'Cause she said she was one of your Glee kids. It didn't take me five minutes to realize she's in love with you. She asked if she could see your baby pictures.
Will: What, so now you're making her clean our bathroom?
Terri: Look, Will, I have been dealing with these schoolgirl crushes for years. So why shouldn't I get a little something out of it?
Rachel: [entering] Do you have any more Ajax?
Terri: Oh, in the linen closet, sweetie.
[Rachel gives Schue a flirtatious wave as she leaves]
Will: This is immoral, Terri.
Terri: No, honey, do you know what's immoral? Is me having to deal with the fact that my husband spends all day with young girls who are perkier and younger than I am. I have a rash on my belly from that cocoa butter that your mother sent me. Do you have any idea how much it burns when I sweat? I can't scrub the floors as hard as she can.
Will: Baby, if it's that bad, you have to let me see it. It might be infected.
Terri: What, so now I'm going to show you the bleeding pustules on my skin? Wow, yeah, no, that's not gonna send you into the loving arms of some teenage slut.
Will: For the last time, I am not having an affair with any of my students, and you are not allowed to turn one of them into your slave because you have this irrational fear of me leaving you.
Terri: But why not, huh, if it's a win-win for everybody? Look, she's a really good cook. Try it.
[he starts to leave]
Terri: Where are you going?
Will: I'm taking Rachel home.
Terri: Can you ask her to dust the blinds in the craft room first?

Hester: I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I'm what you call a switch-hitter.
Chanel: Wait, are you bisexual? Because that's what switch-hitter means. You mean double-agent?

Rachel: I'm such an idiot. Mooning over you and cleaning your apartment...
Will: Hey. It's okay. I know it's not always easy for you, Rachel. And I know that there are some things about yourself that you think you'd like to change. But you should know that there's some boy out there somewhere who's going to like you for everything you are. Including those parts of you that even you don't like. Those are going to be the things he likes the most.

Rachel: Why didn't you tell me Quinn was pregnant?
Finn: Who told you?
Rachel: Everybody knows but me. I'm the only fool who went out with you and let you kiss me, thinking you actually had feelings for me.
Finn: But I... I do. Look, yeah, I haven't been totally honest with you, but that's different than lying. Well, maybe it's not that much different, but... but look, I need to get a music scholarship, so I can go to college, so I can get a good job so I can take care of my kid, and I can't do that if you don't come back to Glee Club. You should take it as a compliment.
Rachel: You could have just been honest with me.
Finn: Look, I know what I did was wrong. I get that, but... that kiss was real.
Rachel: Whatever it was, it ruined any chance of me ever coming back to Glee. I hope you have fun playing house with Quinn while you languish in your little ensemble, but my dreams are bigger than that, and they're bigger than you.

Rachel: [voiceover, as she and Will finish "Endless Love"] Okay, this is amazing. When I'm singing with him, it's like I'm seeing him for the first time. And what I'm seeing is super... super cute.

Jesse St. James: What were you just rehearsing?
Rachel: A guy came to Glee Club to talk to us about dreams. Luckily, I've known mine since I was four. I'm going to play three roles on Broadway: Evita, Funny Girl, and Laurey in "Oklahoma!". I was just practicing her dream ballet with Curly. It's what I do when I'm feeling a little stressed.

Rachel: I told you guys.
Santana: We know. You've been berating us for the better part of an hour.
Quinn: Were they really that good?
Rachel: They were, Quinn. Look, I was fine with arranging, choreographing, and directing this number free of charge. But we underestimated the boys. Their number will go to sectionals, and once again, I will be humiliated.
Mercedes: How were we supposed to know they'd rock the house? They've never been good.
Tina: How did they d-d-do it?
Kurt: [entering] The real question is "What were they on?". Though I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance still remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers.
[blank stares]
Kurt: We all took something.

Rachel: Hey, guys. Did any of you think it was weird the way that Puck rushed to Quinn's aid during rehearsals yesterday?
[flashback; in the choir room, Quinn falls to the floor, and both Finn and Puck kneel down beside her]
Finn: Is it the baby? Is it coming?
Noah: Think we're supposed to get hot towels.
Quinn: Would you both just shut up? There's, like, sweat on the floor. I slipped, okay? I'm fine.
[return to real time]
Mercedes: [sharing an awkward look with the others] No...
Artie: I mean, he likes her. I mean, they're friends. We all know that.
Rachel: Yeah, but it seemed like more than that. I've never told you guys this before, but I'm a little psychic. I can't read minds or anything yet, but I do have a sixth sense. Something is definitely going on there.

Rachel: She's prettier than me.
Finn: Would you stop?... You're beautiful.

Will: Who did it? This is serious. Principal Figgins is threatening to disband the club.
Santana: Why are we playing this game? We all know it was Puck.
Noah: Back off. I didn't do squat.
Tina: Then why is your girlfriend first on the Glist?
Rachel: And why am I last? Aside from the fact that I refused to put out for you.
Will: Okay, enough! No one is accusing anyone of anything. Puck, seriously, did you do it?
Noah: I said no. I'm a delinquent, sure. I like setting stuff on fire and beating up people I don't know. I own that. But I'm not a liar.

Rachel: I'm not really a nice person. I'm selfish. The fact is, I'm only really generous if there's something in it for me.
Finn: Yeah, but I still like you.
Rachel: But you, you're so... kind, and open. Well, it's made me wanna be a better person. We have to throw the competition.
Finn: I love Breadstix.
Rachel: No, if we wanna win at Nationals, then Sam has to win this contest. Okay? He has to feel like he belongs and the team has to believe in him.
Finn: Wow, Rachel... I've never seen you like this. I'm kind of impressed.
Rachel: Well, like I said, you inspired me.
Finn: But technically, you're doing this because it'll help us win Nationals, which means there's something in it for you, so it doesn't really count as you doing something nice.

Rachel: What kind of makeover did you have in mind?
Kurt: We need to broaden your appeal. I want every boy to do a double take when you strut past.
Rachel: There's really only just... one boy that I'd like to impress. Can you keep a secret?
Kurt: Of course.
Rachel: I'm in love with Finn.
Kurt: Really?
[Rachel nods]
Kurt: I understand completely. Let's move on to makeup. I happen to know for a fact that Finn is attracted to loose women.
Rachel: What? Quinn is so wholesome.
Kurt: Let me put this into musical theater parlance. In "Grease", what did Sandy do to get Danny Zuko? She had to ditch the poodle skirt and slap on a catsuit. In short, she had to dress like a ho. Maybe if your look was better, more desirable, Finn would be in your arms right now. Instead of Quinn's.

Jacob: Have you been reading my blog?
Rachel: Of course not. You're a gossip monger and your blog is nothing but trash and lies, many of them about me.
Jacob: Well, you'll be happy to know the one I'm working on right now has nothing to do with you or your rumored lust for Jewfros.

Rachel: Performing is my life. And yes, do I have opinions about it? Does my need to constantly express those opinions annoy my fellow Glee Clubbers?
Finn: Yes.
[realizing what he said]
Finn: That was out loud, wasn't it?

Will: Okay, let's talk about casting.
Rachel: Oh, Finn and I will play Brad and Janet.
Artie: And I'll be playing the guy in the wheelchair, right?
Will: That's what I was thinking. And I thought Kurt could play the role of Frank-N-Furter.
Kurt: No. There's no way I'm playing a transvestite in high heels and fishnets and wearing lipstick.
Santana: Why? 'Cause that look was last season?

Chad: The killer took all the food out of all the cabinets and left us nothing but watermelon wine coolers in the fridge. He's trying to starve us to death!
Hester: There's never any food in there, just laxatives. Chanel's orders.

Rachel: Hey, uh, did you get your solo?
Kurt: Sadly, no.
Rachel: Oh, wow, if you didn't a solo, then they must be really good. We are doomed. Sorry, that was selfish. What I meant to say was "Wow, that... that really sucks. I'm... I'm sure you were really good."
Kurt: I was. I mean, I think I was. Being in the Warblers has really made me question everything I thought about myself.
Rachel: Yeah. What has become of us, Kurt? So, do you miss us?
Kurt: I do. Being a Warbler is great, but I don't think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did, and I can't help but think that I let you guys down.
Rachel: It's your life, Kurt, and you weren't safe at McKinley anymore, and we all get it.
Kurt: How come you were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?
Rachel: Because you were my only real competition.

Suzy: Hey, Barbara Streisand, we need to have a little talk.
Rachel: I have nothing to say to you, Pepper. If you continue to stalk me, I'll press charges. Everyone knows what you are. You're the school crazy.
Suzy: I was crazy. Crazy in love.
Rachel: There's nothing you can say that's going to change the way I feel about Mr. Schuester. Ours is a love for the ages. Your threats will just make our love grow stronger.
Suzy: Let me tell you a few things I learned from two years of intense psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant. Lesson number one: you and Schue? It won't work.
Rachel: What do you mean?
Suzy: We're not so different, you and me. We're both mildly attractive and extremely grating. Love is hard for us. We look for boys we know we can never have. Mr. Schue is a perfect target for our self-esteem issues. He can never reciprocate our feelings, which only reinforces the conviction that we're not worthy of being loved. Trust me. I'm a cautionary tale. You need to find some self-respect, Rachel. Get that mildly attractive groove back.

Jesse St. James: Why are you so afraid about finding the truth?
Rachel: I don't know. I guess I just don't want to think that my mother is some teenage trollop like Quinn, or worse, some skanky girl who would do anything for money, including giving me up.
Jesse St. James: Why does it have to be one of those choices? Maybe she had a really good reason for doing what she did. We need to do a real investigation. Like "CSI" real. Do you have any baby stuff in your house, something that might give us a clue?
Rachel: My fathers kept every piece of paper related to my life in files and cabinets in our basement. It's sort of a little Rachel Berry museum.
Jesse St. James: Perfect. We'll start there.

Hester: Can I call you mom?
Chanel: What?
Hester: Please? I feel so loved and protected by all of you.
Chanel: Wait, you wanna call all of us mom? That's insane!
Chanel: And super confusing.
Chanel: Actually, it's a new pop-culture term where young women desperately in need of role models call other girls they look up to mom. Lorde's fans call her mom.

Santana: Well, Rachel, congratulations. Normally, you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look. Yay.
Rachel: Thank you.
Kurt: I think what Santana is trying to say, Rachel, though I risk expulsion by saying so, is that it seems Britney Spears has really helped you blossom. That's all.
Will: Wait. Rachel, is that true? I mean, you are sort of dressing differently.
Artie: Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...
Finn: [wanting him to stop] Hey, hey.
Rachel: Look, all I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist, and since then, it's made me feel free to get out of my own way. I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I've never really felt like one before.

Finn: I know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work.
Rachel: Look, not letting me apologize isn't fair.
Finn: I've let you apologize plenty, and I know that Christmas is supposed to be about forgiveness, but... I'm not ready to forgive you, so please stop trying to make me.

Rachel: So, do you like my winter wonderland?
Finn: Well, I don't really like artificial Christmas trees. I like real ones. They smell amazing; that's kind of the whole point.

Rachel: Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry.
Will: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is gonna let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here's a list of the songs that we're allowed to sing.
Rachel: What's a "luftballoon"?
Will: Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club. And I understand why you did what you did. But I don't like the way you did it.

Rachel: What did they say?
Finn: Well, I talked 'em out of giving you a Code Red. They were pissed, and they had the right to be. What you did was bad, Rachel. We could have used Sunshine to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now they're just that much stronger.
Rachel: Just do it already.
Finn: What?
Rachel: Break up with me. Okay, we both knew it was just a matter of time.
Finn: I think you're forgetting I'm not the quarterback anymore. I'm just another Glee loser now. Fact is, you should be breaking up with me.

Rachel: [after getting egged by Vocal Adrenaline] And now I just keep having nightmares of all of the mothers of the little baby chicks coming after me for revenge.
Noah: Oh, this is bull! Finn, Mike, Matt, come with me.
Finn: Right on. It's time for less talking and more punching.
Will: [entering as they leave] Hey, what's going on?
Finn: We're on our way to go all "Braveheart" on Vocal Adrenaline.
Will: No, guys, violence is never the answer.
Noah: Oh, it is when the question is "What's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?".
Kurt: Mr. Schue, Rachel's one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.

Rachel: [fighting with Finn] You know what? You guys are going to have to find somebody else to mindlessly harmonize in the background, because I'm not going on stage with him.
Artie: Make that two subs. I'm not going out there with Brittany.
Tina: Me, either.
Will: Enough! Listen to yourselves! I'm ashamed of you. Think back to where you were this time last year. In this room. No set list, no choreography. No chance in hell of winning, but you did win. Because you did it together. Look, I don't care if you guys hate each other. All I want is for you guys to go out there and sing together. Get up there, and for six minutes, remind yourselves that you're not alone.

Finn: Look, are you still dating that Jesse kid?
Rachel: No. No. Who... who told you that?
Finn: Look, I know things have been weird between us, but I never thought you'd lie to me.
Rachel: Look, please just don't tell anyone.
Finn: Unbelievable.
Rachel: We may not be together the way that Jesse and I are, but we can still be friends. I... I'm asking you as my friend to trust me.
Finn: Fine. But if this leads to something bad for all of us, don't expect any more friendship from me.

Jesse St. James: You singing "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" in front of a sold-out crowd isn't a fantasy. It's an inevitability.
Rachel: [holding him] I thought you'd never come back.
Jesse St. James: And miss all your drama? Never.

Finn: I've been thinking a lot lately. I feel like I have all these problems, you know, with Quinn and... and basketball and girls and stuff, and I've been so overwhelmed trying to figure them all out. Then I realized the only thing I needed to fix was us. I... I want us to be together, Rachel. A real couple. Look, I even circled some dates on your crazy calendar.
[pause]
Finn: Is you not being able to talk right now a good thing or a bad thing?
Rachel: I can't.
Finn: Can't what?
Rachel: I... I can't be a couple with you. It's the team. We... we can't have any, um, drama right now. You know, we need... we need to focus on regionals. And I appreciate your offer, but in the spirit of being a team player, I have to decline.
Finn: [she turns to leave] Hey, whoa. I'm just not some guy that you met at the music store that you can just blow off. I don't give up that easy.

Rachel: Ms. Corcoran? I'm Rachel Berry. I'm your daughter.

Rachel: Mr. Schue, it is pointless to rehearse this scene without Finn.
Will: We don't have a choice. He's late and he's not answering his phone. We gotta get this timing down, guys. And would you please stop interjecting your opinions, Sue?
Sue: Opinions? These are my re-writes.

Chanel: How are you alive?
Hester: Good thing I was wearing this neck brace when you pushed me down the stairs because it saved my life! And laying me on the ground in the meat locker was the perfect thing to do. The hard slab of the cold steel curbed the swelling in my spinal column. When I woke up and regained consciousness, I felt better than ever! Really, I should be thanking you right now. That fall? It might have cured me of my severe scoliosis!

Chanel: Well, I found this old talking board in the basement.
Chanel: Those things don't work!
Hester: Yes, they do. Didn't you see the movie?
Chanel: The movie Ouija? No! No one did!

Chanel: Dean Munsch has been orchestrating every one of these attacks. Melanie Dorkus, Deaf Taylor Swift...
Hester: That other security guard.
Chanel: Predatory Lez.
Chanel: Roger and Dodger.
Chanel: Chad's irritating armless friend, candle vlogger, black British guy...
Grace: Gigi.
Chanel: Coney, that ice cream cone.
Chanel: White trash Mandy Greenwell, Miss Bean...
Zayday: Hold on, you killed Ms. Bean.
Chanel: I didn't turn on the deep-fryer, bitch!

Mercedes: Look Rachel, the truth is; you're the best singer we've got.
Kurt: As much that it hurts me to admit it, and it does... shes right. Rachel is our star. If anyone is gonna go belted on the fly, it should be her.
Rachel: Well, I do have something that I've been working on since I was four.

Jesse St. James: Most spots are 2,500 watts. This one is ten times brighter. We have to wear sunscreen onstage, but it's worth it.
Rachel: I guess everything is bigger and brighter here.

Rachel: [after Finn is finished singing "Hello, I Love You" in front of the rest of the group] And that, fellow Glee clubbers, is how we say 'hello'.

Rachel: [rapidly] Thank you so much, it really is a pleasure. While the boys chose a selection of songs that casts an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's modern teens
[breath]
Rachel: we have chosen a selection of songs that speaks of the nation as a whole during these troubling times filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social woes, because if there's two things America needs right now, that is sunshine and optimism!
[pause]
Rachel: Also angels.
[big grin, pants]

Rachel: We should make a toast.
Finn: Yeah.
Rachel: Alright. To four full months of no fighting or ever threats of us breaking up. Nothing but love, love, love.

Rachel: I'm tired of everyone calling us freaks.
Mercedes: [snickering] Well, look at us. We are freaks.
[the glee club all shares a laugh]
Finn: But we're all freaks together. And we shouldn't have to hide it.
[they turn around as they hear clapping, revealing Schue]
Will: Nice job, Finn. I think you just figured out what the lesson was. Kinda makes me wish I had planned it. But Mercedes is right. You do all look incredibly insane.

Rachel: [to Blaine] You're such a cutie pie with your blazer and your pants.

Rachel: If you're gonna criticize and mock me again about Jesse, you can can it.
Finn: I wanted to apologize. The only reason you were even open to dating Jesse was because I was such an ass. Mr. Tough Guy and all that. I really liked you. And I could have had you, but I blew it.
Rachel: [touched] You really liked me?
Jesse St. James: [entering] Okay, Finn. I know we have a big showdown coming, so let's just decide on the arena. Sing-off, the parking lot, 5:00. Be there.
Rachel: [worried] No.
Finn: [offering a handshake] Welcome to New Directions. Frankly, I need you. I'm tired of carrying the male vocals all by myself.
[he and Jesse shake hands]
Finn: I'll do my best to stay away from your girl.
Jesse St. James: I appreciate that. She's a keeper.

Rachel: Finn, I'd like to give you something in exchange for what you gave me.
[lets him touch her boobs]
Finn: [whispering] Thank you, Grilled Cheesus...

Rachel: Now that you're divorced and Ms. Pillsbury married another guy, I guess you'll be spending Christmas Eve alone.
Will: Yes, Rachel, I am.
Rachel: Well, I know how painful being alone can feel, so if you want, you can come over to my house. We're going to eat Chinese and watch "The Main Event".
Will: Thanks, Rachel. I think I'm gonna pass. Nothing wrong with being alone.
Tina: [entering the choir room, everyone stops in their tracks] Artie.
Artie: [standing up, wearing a mechanical contraption] It's called a ReWalk. Some guy in Israel invented it. I can't use it all the time, but... check me out.
Quinn: [he presses a control buttton, then takes a few steps forward] Where did you get it?
Brittany S. Pierce: We went home and it was sitting under my Christmas tree.
Sam: How the hell did you afford that thing?
Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't buy it. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was Transformer.
Artie: I assumed her dad got it for me, but he has no idea where it came from. He went to take a long poop, and when he came back, it was there.
Rachel: So if no one we know bought it for you, then...
Brittany S. Pierce: Santa brought it.

Rachel: If you like, you can make a list for me also.
Finn: I like what the song says: "All I Want for Christmas is You".
Rachel: Oh, all I want for Christmas is you, too. And five things on that list.
Finn: [after Rachel leaves] Holy crap, I'm dating Kim Kardashian!

Rachel: We need you Sam. And you need the music.

Rachel: [in the school auditorium with her backing band] Now, remember, it has to be lush and romantic.
Finn: [entering] Why?
Rachel: Because I'm very specific when I give a gift. You don't know how many kittens I've given away because they haven't been just right.

Rachel: [wanting to believe her mother is Patti LuPone] All you have to do is look at pictures of her in her performance in "Master Class" in 1996. Look at the pain in her eyes and the hurt she's feeling for giving up her obviously talented little girl.
Jesse St. James: One question. What was in it for her?
Rachel: Money, a sense of charity for those in need?
[deflating as she sees his skepticism]
Rachel: I don't know. Guess you're right. Do you want to hear my research that proves that my mother is Bernadette Peters?

Rachel: So what do you think, Ms. July. Am I ready to learn the tango?
Cassandra: Look, you can memorize a routine. So what?
Brody: Rachel was incredible.
Cassandra: You were incredible. She was okay. And that song? Garbage. Whose idea was that? You want truth? Fine. Maria von Trapp, Willy Loman, Shrek. Those are the roles that are appropriate for your level of sex appeal.
Rachel: You're just jealous of me. Of all of us.
Brody: Rachel, don't.
Rachel: No, because we have our entire careers ahead of us and yours ended before it even began. We're the future and you're just some YouTube joke.
Cassandra: You're done. Get out of my class. Get out of my class! Out!
[Rachel storms out of the room and Brody follows her]

Finn: Who am I? I barely even graduated high school and my life has absolutely no direction.
Rachel: Don't you get it? No matter how rich, or famous or successful I become, when it comes to you, I'm always going to be that moon-eyed girl who freaked you out at a first glee rehearsal. You are the first boy who made me feel loved, and sexy, and visible. You are my first love. And I want more than anything for you to be my last, but I can't do this anymore. At least not now. We're done.

[first lines]
Finn: What's so funny?
Rachel: You guys aren't watching the video of me falling off stage at my first TinyTots beauty pageant, are you?
Kurt: That was Carrot Top funny compared to this comedic tour de force.
Jesse St. James: That's Olivia Newton-John's "Physical". It was pretty groundbreaking subject matter at the time, considering its depiction of fluid sexuality.

Chanel: [planning her Halloween party] Okay, music. Go.
Hester: I contacted Adam Levine, and Maroon 5 is in.
Chanel: Great. Go.
Chanel: Okay, well, the good news is I talked to Fergie's agent, and she's in. The bad news is, and this is totally on me, but I Googled "Fergie's agent", and ended up talking to this British guy before I realized his client was actually Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, so... my bad, both Fergies are coming.
Chanel: So stupid. But go.
Chanel: Okay, so, um... I wasn't able to get Led Zeppelin.
Chanel: What?
Chanel: Well, apparently, one of them died or something.
Chanel: Damn it, Number Five. Do you have any idea what's at stake here? If this Black Hairy Tongue Pumpkin Patch Maze Concert isn't the biggest thing to ever happen to this campus, I will lose the Kappa House presidency, and Chad Radwell will dump me.
Chanel: Okay, well, it's not my fault that some guy died in the '70s.

Rachel: Hey, guys.
Kurt: Cut the butter, Benedict Arnold. We heard about your new boyfriend.
Mercedes: Look, Rachel, we're all happy that you're happy, but we've worked too hard in Glee Club to let you throw it all away on a relationship that might not even be real.
Rachel: Why, 'cause he's in Vocal Adrenaline?
Kurt: Their motto is "Aut neca aut necatus eris." Which loosely translates to "murder or be murdered."
Tina: They give their dancers human growth hormone.
Mercedes: Look, we're not saying the dude is playing you.
Kurt: He's playing you.
Mercedes: We just think that until regionals are over, we can't risk the possibility that he is.
Tina: None of us want to go through what happened at sectionals again.
Rachel: Okay, look, Jesse and I might not be true love, but what if we are? I know who I am. And how many chances at this am I going to get?
Kurt: If you don't break up with him, you're out.
Rachel: You can't kick me out!
Artie: But we can all quit if Mr. Schue doesn't.
Rachel: Well, good luck winning without me.
Kurt: Everyone is replaceable. Even you.
Rachel: How could you do this to me?
Mercedes: How could you do this to us? We're a team, and all you've ever wanted was for us to be great, and be a part of something special. Now is that still true or not?

Rachel: I'm looking forward to being friends with all of you for the rest of my life.

Rachel: What's the crime rate like in this neighborhood? It looks a little shady.
Kurt: It's better than Detroit and Damascus.

Will: And now, drum roll, Finn. Because I have in my hand our competition for sectionals next month.
[whoops and hollers from the class]
Will: First, the a capella choir from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.
Santana: Okay, hold up. Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.
Will: And the other team to beat, the Hipsters, a first-year club from the Warren Township Continuing Education Program. Now, they are a glee club composed entirely of elderly people getting their high school GEDs.
Rachel: Is that legal?
Mercedes: How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?
Noah: Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a good luck pat on the rear, it'll shatter her pelvis.

Will: Hey, guys. I'm sorry to interrupt your little sorority, but I couldn't help overhearing. Are you really having that much boy trouble?
Quinn: You wouldn't understand, Mr. Schue. You're a guy.
Will: Well, then maybe you should talk to someone else about it. Like Ms. Pillsbury.
Rachel: I tried that.
[cut to Emma's office]
Emma: [flustered] Oh, um, that's a hot-button topic, isn't it? I mean, when to do that. This is the perfect chat to have with your mom.
Rachel: I have two gay dads.
Emma: Right. Right. You, um... how about your rabbi?
Rachel: I really don't feel comfortable talking about this with Rabbi Greenberg. Aren't you a guidance counselor?
Emma: [lost for words] Uh...
[back to the choir room]
Quinn: [as the dismissal bell rings] The fact is that women still earn seventy cents to every dollar that a man does for doing the same job. That attitude starts in high school.

Kurt: So, how's Finn? I feel bad. I haven't spoken to him since the wedding.
Rachel: I haven't really talked to him much, either. I found out that he and Santana were romantically involved and he lied to me about it.
Kurt: Wait, you didn't know about that?

Dakota: Am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the truth. But maybe you don't have the confidence to hear it, hmm? Maybe you need somebody who's going to lie to you and tell you things like "You got what it takes." But you know what? As far as I can see, you don't. So, why don't you just take a little second, take a breather, and ask yourself "Do I want to be a winner or not?".
Finn: Screw this. I quit.
Tina: Me, t-t-t-too.
Mercedes: Let's roll, Artie.
Dakota: No. Great, great. You know, separate the wheat from the chaff. That's perfect.
Rachel: Wait. Barbara Streisand. When Barbara was a young ingénue, everyone told her in order to be a star, she'd have to get a nose job. Thankfully, she refused.
Dakota: Where's this going, Yentl?
Rachel: Where it's going is that... we don't need you. Let's face it. We're never going to be as good of dancers as Vocal Adrenaline. We're gonna win because... we're different. And that's what makes us special.
Mercedes: They told J-Lo her booty was too big.
Artie: Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed.
Finn: Jim Abbott.
Kurt: I have no idea who that is.
Finn: He was a one-armed pitcher for the Yankees. Pitched a no-hitter.
Dakota: Okay, so, yeah. Misfits and spaz-heads and cripples can make it, too. That's great. What's your point?
Rachel: Our point is that... you're fired. And I'm taller than you.

Rachel: [to Brody] I kind of need to ask you a favor.
Brody: Okay.
Rachel: So, Cassie said that I... uh, wasn't sexy. Cassie said I wasn't sexy.
Brody: You're crazy sexy.

Finn: [to Rachel] I just needed time to think.
Rachel: You had four months. I hated you for what you did to me at that train station.
Finn: I was trying to help you.
Rachel: I hated you. And then when I got to New York, I thought how much you love me. And how hard that must have been for you. And I thought this... this is what a man looks like. This is how a man loves. But you, not telling me where you were for four months, and sneaking out before sunrise in the middle of the night without saying goodbye, that is not being a man, Finn.

Will: Two things. First, our competition at sectionals are your classic stool choirs. Great voices, but they don't move. Now, if we're gonna beat them, we need to do what they can't: dance. Which is why I've decided to feature Brittany and Mike Chang's sweet moves in our performance.
Rachel: Wait, they're gonna dance in front of me while I sing my solo?
Will: You're not getting a solo for this competition, Rachel.
Mercedes: Finally. So what song do I get to sing?
Will: I was thinking that the winners of our duets competition would take the leads.
Rachel: Ken and Barbie? Wait, a-a-are you trying to throw this?
Quinn: You used to be just sort of unlikeable, but now I pretty much feel like punching you every time you open your mouth.

Rachel: I always thought the boys' locker room would be all sexy, but actually, it smells like feet in here.

Finn: That's not Olivia Newton-John. That's... that's Sue Sylvester. Where did you get this?
Kurt: I can tell you that I certainly did not steal it from her locked file cabinet yesterday when she sent me back to her office to get her hormone replacement injection during Cheerios practice.
Artie: Wait, did she just do the Cabbage Patch?
Finn: I'm posting this on YouTube.
Rachel: No, no, wait, wait. Do you think that's a good idea? She might kill us.
Mercedes: Oh, let her get a taste of some of the humiliation she put us through.

Rachel: [to Sunshine] Where are you going?
Sunshine: To the Philippine Embassy. I'm going to beg them to revoke my visa and deport me back home. That's the only way I'm gonna be able to escape Vocal Adrenaline.
Rachel: Jus... wai... wait. It's because you're good. That's why I hated you. That's why I've sent you to that crack house. I'm sorry, but you have to go out there and sing. You have a gift! Something that Dustin Goolsby would kill for.
Sunshine: I can't. I'm gonna barf all over the stage.
Rachel: If you feel like you're gonna throw up, just look at me and I'll help you through it.
Sunshine: Why? Don't you wanna win?
Rachel: Girls like us have to stick together. I'm hugging you now.
[gives Sunshine a hug]

Rachel: Have you ever liked someone so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?

Rachel: It's like my dads say, "You can't make new, old friends."

Will: [Rachel enters the choir room with duct tape over her mouth] Rachel, what are you doing?
Rachel: [removing the tape] I'm not doing anything. You've silenced my talents, I'm merely protesting.
[she replaces it, then removes it again]
Rachel: My talents are wasted in this club. My star shines too bright, and I think you're threatened by it.

Finn: What about the Cheerios! in Glee Club?
Will: They have a choice. Us, or the Cheerios! competition.
Rachel: Well, obviously, Quinn is gonna choose the Cheerios!. I mean...
Finn: Well, that's not fair. You don't know what she's gonna do.
Will: I think the cheerleading competition is gonna be a lot of fun, but if you go, you're gonna miss out on us doing the most iconic song of all time. The Super Bowl of pop anthems: "Thriller".
[whoops and mutters of excitement]
Will: Yeah, remember a few years ago when that Philippine prison did that mega performance of "Thriller" and put it on YouTube? And in the four months it took to rehearse that number, prisoner-on-prisoner crime dropped 80%. Doing that, together, as a team, created a unity within that prison. And that's what I'm looking to do here.
Mercedes: I mean, don't get me wrong, you know, I'm big on Michael and everything, but isn't that kind of what they're expecting us to do?
Will: Which is why we're gonna mash it together with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' equally spooky single "Heads Will Roll."
Azimio: [more mutters of excitement] Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah?
Shannon: All right, New Directions, Titans, we're going to zombie camp.

Quinn: I'm gonna look terrible.
Tina: Shut up. With your bone structure, you could rock the "Rosemary's Baby" look and still look good. I'm gonna look like Jackie Chan.
Rachel: If Barbara can pull off a bob, so can I.
Santana: Enough yapping. Let's do this.
Will: [entering] Whoa! Whoa! What are you guys doing?
Mercedes: We're going all "Gift of the Magi" to raise money to buy homeless kids those school supplies.
Sam: The guys are gonna sell their watches and the girls are gonna sell off their hair.
Will: You can't do that.
Santana: Oh, no, it's cool. Most of this isn't mine, anyways.
Will: No, I mean that's not the answer. There are other ways to raise money at Christmastime.

Sean: Finn with you?
Rachel: No, I came by myself. Is that okay?
Sean: Yeah.
Rachel: I, um... I just wanted to say thank you, and for showing me that just because I'm not good at anything other than singing doesn't mean I'm not any good if I can't sing. That sounded like a really bad greeting card.
Sean: No, it was cool.
Rachel: Well, anyways, I... I just thought I could maybe return the favor. I thought I could give you singing lessons. It sort of seemed like an area of interest for you. I'll... I'll come by, like, once a week or something, and we could just see how it goes? I've... I've helped almost everyone in our glee club, some by brute force, but...
Sean: So your voice came back.
Rachel: Turns out that a heroic dose of antibotics and a mysterious blend of herbal remedies and a vow of silence is all it takes to cure tonsilitis, so... I'll probably have to have my tonsils taken out eventually, but, um, I'm... I'm not scared anymore.

Jesse St. James: [flashback, making out with Rachel] We should do it.
Rachel: It?
Jesse St. James: Totally. Haven't you ever done it before?
Rachel: No. Have you?
Jesse St. James: [chuckles] What do you think? It's no big deal.
Rachel: It is for a girl!

Artie: Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea, and it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Beiste that Finn and I both really want to be on the team.
Rachel: Wait. You're back on the football team?
Finn: Yeah.
Santana: Suddenly, you're way hotter to me. Weird.
Noah: Wait. I don't get it. How come everyone's having Britney Spears fantasies?
Artie: The nitrous oxide dentists use is a mild hallucinogen. Studies have proven that it induces vivid dreams, often the last thing the patient thinks of. The subconscious moves to the forefront. Since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it only stands to reason.

Lea: Goodbye, Lisa! I'll miss you a lot, then a little, then not too much!

Will: Jesse cared about you.
Rachel: No, he didn't. Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan. They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition, that I'd lose my will to live, and then New Directions would have no chance at winning Regionals. It's textbook; you destroy the heart of the team's heart and you destroy the team.
Will: [voiceover as Rachel continues, under] Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling nearly as depressed.
[cut to him working in the choir room]
Sue: [entering] William, I'm gonna have to ask you to clear out. I received an anonymous tip from someone who wants to meet me here to discuss an illegal Hot Cheetos ring. Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids, and I can't have that.

Noah: [listening to Aural Intensity] A mash-up of Olivia Newton-John and Josh Groban. Are you kidding me? Somebody tipped them off about the judges.
Rachel: Guys, we can't get distracted by what the other teams are doing.
Finn: We've just got to keep our heads in the game and focus.
Santana: Even though we know we can't win?
Will: [entering] Yes. If this is only about winning for you guys, then I owe you all an apology, because I've failed you. And we should just all go home, because it means we've already lost.

Rachel: I know being my boyfriend is a challenge. I'm not Quinn. I don't look like her. I'm not popular, and my personality, though exciting and full of surprises, isn't exactly low-maintenance, but... I'll always be honest with you. Painfully so. And all I ask in return is that you're just honest with me.
Finn: I don't think I want to be your boyfriend.
Rachel: What?
Finn: Look, Rachel, you're really awesome, but I think I need to connect with my inner rock star before I can fully commit to one woman. I need to find out who I am now.
Rachel: I'll tell you who you are. You're a scared little boy. You're afraid of dating me because you think it might hurt your reputation; though, which you'd never admit it, is very important to you. You hate what Quinn did to you, not just because it hurt, but because it was so humiliating.
Finn: You're freaking me out. It's like you're inside my head right now.
Rachel: I just see you for who you are. Unlike you, who can only see me as this silly girl who made a fool out of herself in her first glee club rehearsal. And that's where you lose, Finn. Because if you take a second look at me, you'd realize that I'm the only person in your life who knows you and accepts you for who you are, no matter what.

Mercedes: You are not gonna slushie on my man Kurt.
Rachel: Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore.
Finn: No, that's not true! It's just if I don't do it, the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me!
Kurt: Well we can't have that, can we?
[grabs the slushie from Finn]
Finn: What are you doing?
Kurt: It's called taking one for the team.
[Splashes himself in the face with the slushie, and pauses]
Kurt: Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether or not any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you.

Rachel: Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?
Artie: Isn't that against the rules?
Rachel: No, not at all. Or probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out; I rooted through the dumpsters behind the Carmel auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights.
Tina: Oh, no.
Rachel: Which led me to Joelle Fabrics. I asked them about red Chantilly lace, and they were sold out.
Mercedes: Oh, sweet Jesus.
Kurt: Oh, my.
Will: Wait, wait, wait. What?
Kurt: They're doing Gaga.
Mercedes: That's it. It's over.
Rachel: Exactly.
Kurt: We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them.

Noah: I really want to win this game, and I figure it's the only way us Glee studs are ever gonna get any respect around here.
Finn: What's your point?
Noah: My point is that none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again, like Maverick and Iceman at the end of "Top Gun".
Finn: So why'd you sing that duet with Rachel?
Rachel: [flashback to the choir room] I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous.
Noah: Nothing like that will ever happen again. You lead, and I got your back. We need to win this championship and become legends.

Finn: You're upset about Kurt's dad, too?
Rachel: Yes. But more importantly, let's discuss your newfound love for Jesus and how it's affecting me. I want this relationship to go the distance, but I need to know that when I'm 25 and I've won a bunch of Tonys, and I'm ready to have intercourse and babies, that those babies will be raised in a certain way.
Finn: You don't think you're gonna have sex 'till you're 25?
Rachel: I want my children to be raised in the Jewish faith. Both of my dads' peoples were slaves once. I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right.
Finn: Sure. Of course. Yeah, they should totally go to Jew church and... wear those hats and... and eat that salty orange stuff with their bagels.

Rachel: Hi. So, what's so important?
Finn: Uh... These are for you
[gives her flowers]
Finn: I thought since we're both captains and all that, we should write a duet for Nationals.
Rachel: But the tie, the flowers, Central Park?
Finn: It's, uh, a work date. Totally professional.

Rachel: Look, if something bad happens to Kurt, and we didn't do anything to stop it, we'll never be able to live with ourselves.

Will: You seem to be taking this Jesse thing pretty hard.
Rachel: I want him to be eaten by a lion.

Will: I am very disappointed in you guys.
Finn: Can't believe you narced on us.
Rachel: Don't get mad at me for exposing your laziness. I'm tired of carrying all of your weight. Regionals is in a month, guys.
Will: I'm just trying to understand what's going on here. Finn, why did you stop singing?
Finn: 'Cause you started giving all the male leads to Jesse. It kind of shook my confidence, you know?
Santana: [sighing] Oh, what difference does it make? Everyone knows that my job here is to look hot.
Quinn: My baby hormones are making me moody.
Brittany S. Pierce: There are so many lyrics.
Will: Okay, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. A glee club is about a myriad of voices coming together as one. All right? This ends now.

Finn: I can't be on stage in front of the whole school in my tighty-whities. They're... gonna be able to see my whole... business.
Rachel: Come on. It'll just be like going to the pool.
Finn: I wear a swim shirt at the pool. I tell everybody it's because I burn easily, but... look, I know I'm a big athlete, and it's not manly or anything, but I'm kind of insecure about how I look.
Rachel: Come on. You just... you know, you... you have a different body type. I don't look like Brittany or Santana, but you still think I'm hot, right?
Finn: Yeah, of course.
Rachel: So, then... you're just gonna have to trust me that you're the hottest guy in school.

Rachel: ...the show must go on. Besides, the AV club worked so hard on the snow.

Chanel: The killer is standing right in front of us. Pretty convenient that you're the one who found the body.
Hester: I would be offended by that accusation, Chanel, if I wasn't so honored that you were thinking about me.

Finn: [interrupts in the middle of Rachel's song] Eh... Hold on! Hold on. Is this song about your headband?
Rachel: Yes. It's called "My Headband".
Finn: Right.
Rachel: They say you should write about what you know.
Finn: Well, it's really... interesting! But it's not... emotional. Or, like... good.
Rachel: It sucks.
Finn: Yeah.

Hester: Even though I only ate asylum food and never really exercised, I was blessed with a super-tight bod. My butt could launch a thousand ships and my boobs were remarkably perky and even. Couple that with my BJ lips and I was gonna need something pretty spectacular to keep everyone from wanting to get all up in this.

Azimio: Ooh, baby, you can hit me as many times as you want as long as you got that on!
Karofsky: How come all the gay guys always get the hottest chicks?
Finn: You see what I'm talking about? They're personifying you.
Rachel: Objectifying.
Finn: Whatever! Just tell me why it's okay for you to feel safer with me not on the football team, but it... it's not okay for me to feel safer with you in your old reindeer sweater?
Rachel: Look, I see your point. In order for this relationship to work, we can't control each other. So you have my blessing to rejoin the football team, if you can.
Brittany: [nearby, rubbing Jacob Ben Israel's "Jewfro"] It looks like a Jewish cloud.
Jacob: [approaching Finn as Rachel leaves] What do you want for her? I'll give you anything. I'll give you my house. I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house.
[Finn groans and leaves]
Jacob: [looking at Rachel lustfully] Wanky, wanky!

Rachel: Mr. Shue, when I first met you, I was just an annoying Jewish girl with two gay dads and a very big dream. Today, I still have two dads and I'm still Jewish, and I'm probably just as annoying, but I stand before you headed to New York City come hell or high water.

Hester: I suggest that just have someone stand guard and watch me for the rest of the night, or until someone else dies, therefore proving that I am not the killer. I nominate Chad.
Chanel: Screw that, Evil Harrington!

Will: [taking a sip of his slushie] Mm. Brain freeze.
[the Glee kids laugh]
Will: I can't imagine getting hit in the kisser with one of these.
Artie: You've never been hit by a slushie before, Mr. Schue?
Will: [they all advance on him] Um... all right, guys. We're a team. Bring it on. Give me your best shot.
Rachel: One. Two. Three.
[he grimaces, and they all throw their slushies on him]
Will: All right. From the top.

Rachel: High school is where you learn, it's survival of the fittest. She's gonna drag the New Directions down and that's not fair for those of us who don't wanna spend our lives rotting in this insignificant town! You said that you'd do anything to get us to Nationals. She is gonna keep us from winning that elusive crown, if anything, she's gonna kill all of our chances!

Rachel: I won my first dance competition when I was three months old.

Rachel: That was amazing. I've never had meat substitute before that tasted that much like real meat.
Finn: Of course...
[under his breath]
Finn: because you're a vegan, which I remember because we know each other so well...
[aloud]
Finn: More sparkling cider?

Rachel: Finn's too proud to complain. He feels like he has to be strong for everyone, but I know it's just killing him inside. I hope he realizes that, you know, if he and I were still together, I could make him feel a lot better, you know.
Kurt: Let it go, Rachel.
Rachel: I... I just wish that there was a way that we could help. That's all.
Mercedes: Yeah. And the worst part is how bummed the guys are. I mean, they already suffer enough abuse just being in Glee. I really think winning the game could have eased some of the pressure, at least for a little while.
Blaine: Wait, so the whole team quit?
Mercedes: Everybody not in Glee. I mean, you can't play football with five guys. And one of them is in a wheelchair.
Rachel: Yeah, Coach Beiste put up a sign-up sheet for people to join. I think they'll take anyone at this point.
Blaine: Well, the good news is, you actually only need four more guys. High school regulations actually let you play a couple guys short, if you want to. But if they figure out a way to make it work, you can bet that we'll definitely be there to cheer 'em on.

Rachel: I'm like Tinkerbell, Finn, I need applause to live!

Noah: Do you think I made that Glist? Honestly.
Rachel: Well, it does sound like something that you would do.
Noah: God, I'm so tired of people judging me for a few mistakes I've made. I try to be a good guy. I go to school and I say "Be cool, Puck. Be nice." But by second period, I've got a fire extinguisher in my hands and I'm spraying some dweeb with it and I don't know how I got there.
Rachel: I understand. Yeah. I sit in Glee Club and I watch a couple of imperfect performances and a litany of criticisms just start building up inside of me like a volcano and I keep telling myself to hold it in and then it just comes bursting out. Granted, generally I'm right, but doesn't do much for my reputation.
Noah: It does suck when you do that.
Rachel: So, uh, how do you think we can get people to see us differently?
Noah: I don't know.
Rachel: [he leans in to kiss her, but she pulls back] I can't... I can't do this.
Noah: You know, whoever made that Glist is going to put you at number one when they find out you cheated on that Jesse kid with me. Besides, Jesse will never fully understand what it means to be a Jew.
Rachel: [he leans in again, but she stops him] Noah... I'm ironically turned on by your bad boy image, but I think we should just keep this professional.
Noah: All right, I'm out. Why stay if there's no chance of us making out?

Rachel: That guy did seem crazy. He swiped my credit card through his butt crack.

Will: Okay, I'm really happy that you guys have all bonded. The problem is that all of this negative stuff is keeping other students from auditioning.
Tina: Good. Why do we need new members?
Will: Well, since Matt transfered, we only have eleven members, and if we want to go to nationals, if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline, we have to go from a small rebel force to a giant wall of sound.
Rachel: Yeah, Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. You didn't see Vocal Adrenaline at regionals. They were epic. We're gonna need more voices in order to beat them.
Finn: Yeah. I'm with Rachel on this one.
Brittany S. Pierce: Gross.

Hester: I just don't understand why I have all these dark feelings.
Chad: You know, I just think our generation's had it too easy, you know? We haven't seen enough horrible stuff. There's no awful diseases randomly killing people, there's not really any awesome wars to go off to and witness horrific things you can't unsee. We're like pulled out of all of 'em. I don't know, sometimes I just don't even feel like I'm living, you know. I mean, the only time I feel anything is when I'm thinking about chopping up a body.
Hester: I feel the same way.

Rachel: You set me up. With Finn!
Kurt: Looks like someone is running for drama queen again.
Rachel: How could you do that? I thought we were friends.
Kurt: And what made you think that? You should be thanking me. All I did was help you realize that your schoolgirl fantasy of running off with Finn was nothing but a fairy tale.
Rachel: You like him. Yeah, that's... that's what this is. And you were just trying to eliminate the competition.
Kurt: I was just helping him understand that you are not a viable second choice.
Rachel: You think I'm a second choice?
Kurt: A distant second.
Rachel: You think I'm living in a fairy tale? If I were second or if I were 50th, I'd still be ahead of you because I'm a girl.
Kurt: Okay, here's the dope, princess: there's no hope for either of us. He loves Quinn. They're having a baby together. We're nothing but distractions. The sooner we realize that... the better.

Chanel: Thanksgiving is next Thursday, and if any of you stupid whores ever cracked a book every now and again, you'd know I'm dressed as Sacajawea. She helped the Pilgrims with their harvest on what is now known as the first Thanksgiving.
Hester: No she didn't, you're thinking of Squanto.
Chanel: Um, no. Squanto was friends with The Lone Ranger.
Chanel: Sacajawea guided the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Chanel: What? No way! Sacajawea taught the Pilgrims how to make cranberry sauce and then, like, sang Blue Corn Moon or something.
Hester: That was Pocahontas.
Chanel: Dammit, are you serious? I'm trying to impress Mr. and Mrs. Radwell and I just spent two hours dressing up as the hag who didn't realize she was the third wheel on Lewis and Clark's gay camping extravaganza!

Will: So, I guess this is where I grovel to try to get my job back.
Sue: No groveling necessary, William. I'm returning you to your position. You know, one of the marks of a successful leader is appointing trusted lieutenants, and Ms. Holliday was clearly not up to the job. You irritate me, William. You make the underflaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac. But your kids sure love you, as evinced by the amount of treacly blubbering I had to sit through.
[cut to a montage of students in Sue's office]
Finn: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing and actually wants to hear an answer.
Noah: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson.
Sam: He taught me how to tie my shoelaces.
Rachel: I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but... I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is.
Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after "M" and "N". I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.

Giselle: [egging Rachel] I hear you're a vegan, Berry. The souls of those poor egg fetuses are all on your conscience now.
[the group laughs]
Giselle: Do it, Jesse. Are you with us or not?
Rachel: [he approaches her with egg in hand] Do it. Break it like you broke my heart.
Jesse St. James: I loved you.
[he reluctantly cracks the egg on her]

Hester: I was rooting through Zayday's drawers and look what I found. Zayday is on the pill.
Chanel: That's not a clue.
Hester: But guess who else is on the pill? Grace. And if you look closely here, you can see that their cycles are synced. And you know what else is synced? Their thirst for murder! I mean, you know what they say: Those who pill together kill together.
Chanel: No one in all of human history has ever said that.

Hester: Maybe she has some magical powers that make her unable to die like some horror movie villain. Like Michael Meyers or Jason or Dr. Giggles.

Rachel: I need to enlist the services of the A/V Club.
Artie: What did you have in mind?
Rachel: My shame at appearing so low on the Glist has made me re-evaluate my image at this school and beyond. I've now realized that in today's culture of bad boy athletes and celebrity sex tapes, a good reputation is no good at all. Artie, you know how our Glee Club assignment was to find a song with a bad reputation and rehabilitate it? Well, mine is going to afford me the worst reputation in this school. Rachel Berry is going to get a little down and dirty.
Artie: I'm going to stop you. You had me at "sex tape". How can I help?

Quinn: [stands at Rachel's locker after she closes it] Listen here, treasure trail. We're about to have a smack-down.
Rachel: I don't want to have a confrontation.
[Passes Quinn and starts to walk off]
Quinn: Don't play stupid with me, stubbles. I'm having Finn's baby and you need to back off! I'm asking you as nice as I possibly can. Leave him alone.
Rachel: [Stops walking and turns to Quinn] You're right. I-I've helped you not because it's the right thing to do, but because I had romantic ulterior motives. But just so we're clear, you're the one who's cheating.
Quinn: Excuse me?
Rachel: [They start walking once again] I have on good authority that you're Sue Sylvester's mole and you can deny it all you want, but I know it's true.
Quinn: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Rachel: [They walk up a flight of stairs] Sue's not on your side, Quinn; she's not on anyone's side but her own. Can you imagine what she's going to do when she finds out about your situation? She'll probably rip off your uniform with her bare hands.
[Rachel stops walking at the top of the stairs and turns to face Quinn]
Rachel: All right. Every time you whisper in her ear you empower her to do more damage to the Glee Club. And right now, Glee Club is all you have. And if I were you, I'd recognise who my true friends are. And I'd practice a little more because you obviously have a lot you need to express.
Quinn: Oh, you have no idea!
[Quinn turns around and breaks into song as she sings 'You Keep Me Hangin' On']

Cassandra: I bet you were a big star back in Iowa.
Rachel: Um, actually, I'm from Ohio.
Cassandra: Ohio? That's even worse. You ever look at a map? Ohio's like a giant turd that Michigan just can't pinch off.

Rachel: [to Santana on the phone] Where are you?
Santana: [while sitting in a bathtub] I'm taking a much-needed break, okay? It is exhausting playing a slutty elf.

Rachel: [after Santana leaves in a huff] I'm pretty sure she just stole my comforter.
Kurt: Bitch took my pillow.

Will: You have got to be kidding me.
Sue: I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records; you know, to fly my JV squad, so if the plane did go down, well, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But then... *horror*!
[flashback; in the library, Sue comes across a naked Jacob Ben Israel webcamming with an unseen Rachel]
Jacob: Rachel, are you aware you've never been hotter than you are right now dressed as Britney Spears?
Rachel: Thank you.
[cut to Sue's office]
Jacob: Can I put some clothes on, please?
Sue: No. I want you to feel the beads of your own sweaty, depraved stank dripping down your butt crack.
Jacob: Rachel Berry was dressing like Britney Spears, and I was... titillated.
Sue: Oh, dear god, please don't ever say that word again.
Jacob: Can I go now, please? And you're gonna have to turn around when I stand up, if you know what I mean.

Cassandra: [to Rachel] You're not good enough yet.
Rachel: Maybe you're right. I'm not as good of a dancer as you are.
Cassandra: Oh, you're finally learning something in here.
Rachel: But I'm just as good of a singer. Maybe even better.
Cassandra: You think anyone in here believes that? Because there's a big difference between self-confidence and delusion.
Rachel: No one else has to believe it. No one but me.

Rachel: Mr. Schuester, I'm ready when you are. The ballad that I've selected has an important message that I'm anxious for you to hear.
Will: Rachel, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to stop you. The way you've been acting is totally inappropriate. I'm your teacher, Rachel, and I'm sorry, but that's all I'm ever gonna be.
Rachel: I know. I... brought these for you as an apology.
[she holds out a pot of flowers with a card reading "Sorry I've been acting crazy"]
Rachel: And the song I was going to sing was "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" by Elton John, 'cause I know how much you love it.

Finn: [seeing Rachel dressed in Britney Spears' "... Baby One More Time" schoolgirl outfit] Hey, take my hoodie. You look cold.
Rachel: It's okay, I'm... wait, you mean you don't like my new look?
Finn: Don't you think it's a bit much? I mean, I think that guy just broke up with his girlfriend over there just so he could stare at you.
Rachel: I'm just doing what you told me. Besides, it's not like when I went all sad clown hooker and put on that ridiculous "Grease" catsuit. This is just like my regular look with the volume turned up.

Rachel: I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Finn. I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I just... I've never been this happy before, and I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work that I have to open up my hands to fly free.
Brittany: Finn can fly?

Will: All right, guys, today I want to talk to you about regrets. Who has some?
Rachel: Giving my heart to Jesse just to have it crushed like the stage floor at a performance of Stomp.

Will: [trying to convey through song how inappropriate her feelings for him are] So, Rachel, do you think you understood the message I was trying to get across with that ballad?
Rachel: Yes. It means I'm very young and it's hard for you to stand close to me.
Will: [exasperated sigh] Um, no. Um... Emma, would you mind helping me out here? Um, was that the message that you got?
Emma: [just as taken and doe-eyed as Rachel] You're a very good performer.

Rachel: Ladies, the Kurt Karofsky bullying situation is getting way out of control. Kurt's miserable; he's losing weight, and not in a good way, and he's barely even fighting me for solos anymore.
Tina: We've all been teased, but something about what Karofsky's doing is so much worse.
Rachel: We're all lucky enough to have boyfriends on the football team. I say we band together and demand that they confront Karofsky.
Quinn: Okay, first of all, I'm not dating Sam. And second of all, I think you personally just set the feminist movement back fifty years.

Will: Okay, guys, we're a little behind for sectionals, thanks to our Sue Sylvester detour, but you guys seem to really enjoy doing mash-ups, right? And I'm gonna keep you guys fired up. Plus, there's an important lesson to be learned with mash-ups. Sometimes things are so different, they don't feel like they go together. But the big difference between them is what makes them great, like... chocolate and bacon.
Finn: Or Glee Club and football.
Will: Exactly. But you've proven that it is a great combination. So, here is my personal favorite song, and your homework for the week is to find an unexpected mash-up to go with it.
Kurt: "Bust a Move"?
Mercedes: Yeah, this song is old-school.
Will: All right, um... Artie?
Artie: Yeah?
Will: Try to follow along on the bass. Finn, take us through it.
Finn: Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Schuester. I got corn syrup in my eye.
Will: Okay. Uh, Puck, how about it?
Noah: I don't really groove on Young MC.
Rachel: I am shocked at the lack of leading man ambition in this room right now.
Will: It's okay, Rachel. I guess I'm gonna have to show these guys how it's done.

Noah: I say we blow this thing up into the arcade.
Finn: No, no! Screw that! These people paid to see us sing. What's that saying, 'the show must go all over the place', or something.
Rachel: You mean 'the show must go on'.
Finn: Yeah.

Finn: Are you, like, sleepwalking?
Rachel: You have to be able to sleep to sleepwalk. I am on my third day of antibiotics, and I am not getting any better, which means I'm going to have to have that surgery, which means my life is over.
Finn: Don't you think you're being a little dramatic, I mean, even for you?

Rachel: An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents, and I took it. How's that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band?
Will: Because I didn't do it out of spite.
Rachel: I'm offended by that accusation. I've always been a team player. Just admit it, Mr. Schue, you don't like me very much.
Will: That's not true. I am your biggest - and sometimes, your only - fan.
Rachel: Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy, and conceited. I'm just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent. I know it sounds awful, but I'm the best one in there. I try the hardest, and I want it the most.
Will: Everyone knows that. And they're scared of it. They all think that they can slack off because you'll pick up their weight. We can't win regionals like that. We need everyone to think that they're a star.

Jacob: Rachel! How do you respond to rumors that you are incredibly difficult to work with?
Finn: Well, as her boyfriend, I can answer that.
Rachel: We've been dating all summer.
Finn: Rachel's what you would call a 'controllist'.
Rachel: I-I'm controlling, 'controllist' isn't a word.
Finn: Oh.

Rachel: Okay, you know what, Santana? Finn is in great shape and your meanness only highlights your own insecurities.
Santana: Rachel, your mustache is thicker than a Middle Eastern dictator.

Rachel: When we first started Glee Club, I told Mr. Schuester that being part of something special makes you special, and I don't know, I just... I think I lost that somewhere along the way. But winning that way at sectionals... it really reminded me of it.
Finn: Are we a part of something special, you and me?
Rachel: Yes.
Finn: I love you.
[they hug]
Finn: No more lying, ever.

Emma: [hears Rachel throwing up] Rachel, did you just throw up?
Rachel: [defensively] No.
Emma: You missed the toilet.
Rachel: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.
Emma: One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift.

Rachel: This script is brilliant, but we're a glee club. We should perform.
Dennis: "Perform" the lines as I wrote them.
Randy: Wait a minute, Dennis. What'd you have in mind?

Rachel: We need to have a gayvention. That's gay intervention.
Tina: It's K-K-Kurt. He's lady fabulous.
Mercedes: Look, just because he wears nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down low.
Rachel: He wore a corset to second period today.

Rachel: Mom?
Shelby: Hon, you gotta stop sneaking into these rehearsals.
Rachel: It's kind of important.
Shelby: [Rachel shows her her Lady Gaga outfit] Oh, dear god.
Rachel: My dads can't sew. I really need a mom right now. Do you think you can help?

Rachel: Guys like Karofsky only respond to muscle.
Quinn: So we're going to fight violence with violence?
Rachel: No! Look, I'm not saying that... that they should hit him. What I'm saying is we need to defend Kurt, and there's strength in numbers.
Tina: [to Brittany] I'm confused. Are you and Artie officially dating now?
Brittany S. Pierce: Deal with it.

Chanel: What's with the old exercise video?
Hester: Sweatin' to the Oldies 2. When you leave, they'll turn the volume way up. The warden does enjoy her petty torments.

Rachel: You know, you can kiss me if you want to.
Finn: I want to.

Chad: Alright, everybody, listen up! All of your lives are in danger! DO NOT go to the haunted house on Shady Lane! There are dead bodies!
Hester: Dead bodies!
Chad: Real life dead bodies! Okay?
Hester: Lots!
Girl: Did he say dead bodies?
Dude: Dude, that sounds awesome!
Other: Come on, everybody! Lets go to the haunted house on Shady Lane!

Chanel: I'm buying us all matching pink jeeps!
Chanel: Wait, what?
Chanel: Yes, it's gonna be so fun! We can take our matching pink jeeps on, like, an African safari or something.
Hester: How do we know that they're gonna have four identical pink jeeps?
Chanel: Yeah, and how are we gonna get the jeeps to Africa? I mean, are we gonna ship them or are we gonna take a ferry?
Chanel: I don't know, #5, okay? Stop poking holes in the pink jeep idea, please, and just accept the fact that I'm buying you all pink jeeps!

Hester: You guys seem really nice. I've always said that being nice is a really good quality. It could save your life someday.

Rachel: Congratulations.
Shelby: Thanks, Rachel.
Rachel: But we beat you today. Jesse's a good singer, but you and I both know he doesn't have much heart. Vocal Adrenaline's best days are behind it. So I... I have a proposition for you. Come teach at McKinley.
Shelby: Excuse me?
Rachel: You and... and Mr. Schuester could be co-directors. We'd be unstoppable. There's so much that you can teach me. So much only you can teach me.
Rachel: Oh, Rachel, I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of coaching glee club. I want a life. It took meeting you to realize all the stuff that I missed out on. I need some balance, you know? I need a house and a garden and a dog, a f... family. I missed out on my chance with you, and it kills me. And I can't let that happen again.
[understanding, Rachel turns to leave]
Shelby: Where's the rest of your team?
Rachel: They're, uh... they're at the hospital. Quinn had her baby.
Shelby: Is she okay?
Rachel: Yeah, she's fine. It was, um... it was a beautiful baby girl.

Chanel: I'm about to be, like, *super* rich.
Chanel: Not if the ghost murders you first.
Chanel: Or it follows you home and murders you here.
Hester: Or if you get murdered tonight because it's the last night of Kappa Kappa Tau and it seems *highly* likely that the killer will come after us.

Jesse St. James: So, what is it? Your dream.
Rachel: I don't know.
Jesse St. James: Well, then go inside, find it, and ask it what it's gonna take.
Rachel: Why are you pushing this?
Jesse St. James: Because you're my girlfriend, and I want to know all your secrets. When you lie awake at night, what's missing?

Rachel: Did you ever regret it?
Shelby: Yes. Then no. Then so much.
Rachel: W... when did you realize it was the right time for me to find you?
Shelby: I saw you sing at sectionals. You were extraordinary. You were me.
Rachel: Was it hard for you to not become a star? To not have your dreams come true?
Shelby: It felt liked a broken promise. Like the Fisher King's wound; never heals.
Rachel: Wow. Genetics really are amazing. You see the world with the same fierce theatricality as I do. Even the way we're sitting right now is so dramatic, and yet we feel so comfortable with it.
Shelby: I've missed so much. How do you feel?
Rachel: Thirsty. When I was little and I used to get sad, my dads would bring me a glass of water. It got so I couldn't tell if I was sad or just thirsty.
Shelby: Uh... I shouldn't have done this.
[standing to leave]
Shelby: This was supposed to feel good. W... we were supposed to have some kind of slow-motion run into each other's arms. This is all wrong.
Rachel: Maybe we can just go to dinner or something, just to get over the initial shock?
Shelby: I'm so sorry, Rachel. Uh... I'll... I'll call you.

[the girls try to figure out how to hide Chanel #2's body]
Hester: Here's what you should do: Pulverize her teeth, burn off her fingerprints and disfigure her face. Once her body is unrecognizable we can create an incision on her inner thigh and drain out all of her bodily fluids. That'll give us more time to deconstruct the body.
Chanel: Ewww! What?
Hester: Because truly grinding down a body takes a lot of work. You need a really good food processor and you run the risk of fouling the plumbing, which is why you should only do it if you know how to clear out meat and bones from a drainpipe. Each of these plans has its drawbacks, but don't worry, I'm willing to help in any way possible.
Chanel: You're obviously a psychopath and those ideas are insane! So, no, we won't be putting her in a food processor or boning her like an enormous chicken! We're gonna put her in the meat locker for now and revisit the question when I'm not totally grossed out by YOU and feeling like I'm going to barf!

Will: We've got one last week to come together and shake things up. If there's anyone here who is not up for trying and working their butts off, you should just get up right now and leave.
[Tina gets up and leaves]
Finn: Whoa, whoa, Tina, where you going?
Tina: You guys don't need me. Carry on.
Rachel: Tina, you don't understand. I need this.
Tina: Because you blew an audition? That's not a reason for you to get a solo at Nationals. Maybe the rest of us would like one, too.
Rory: I wouldn't mind another one before I get deported.
Sugar: I want one even though I can't sing.

Rachel: Mr. Schue? First of all that vest is very cute; you are all kinds of awesome.

Rachel: Hey, you all right? You seem a little down. Didn't you like the banana bread I baked you?
Finn: Yeah, it was awesome. It's just... how do you feel about me not being on the football team anymore?
Rachel: I'm actually kind of happy about it. That I don't have to fantasize about what song I'd sing at your bedside if you were in a coma.
Finn: Yeah. I'm just so not cool now, you know?
Rachel: Well, it's just less of a chance of you running off with some cheerleader.
Finn: Wait, so you want me to feel bad about myself?
Rachel: No, I just... I want to be the only thing that makes you feel good.
[seeing his expression]
Rachel: I'm just trying to be honest.

Finn: You changed back to your old clothes.
Rachel: I just want you to know that I heard everything that you said and that I respect your needs, and I'll do anything to make you feel safe and happy.
Finn: Cool. Well, thanks. I gotta go.
Rachel: Wait. I mean... d-don't you want to make me feel safe and happy, too?
Finn: Well, yeah. Yeah, sure. Wait. Wait. Do you want me to quit football?
Rachel: Look, how am I supposed to trust that you're not just going to stray again? All right, remember your little fling with Brittany and Santana? I do... all right? Let... let's face it, Finn... the only way that this relationship is going to work is if we're both losers.
Finn: [holding her to comfort her] Okay. Come here. This is how it's gonna happen. I'm gonna be quarterback again, then I'm going to throw a touchdown in our first game, and then point to you in the stands so that everybody in the school knows you're my girlfriend. All right?
Rachel: That's very romantic, but... I don't know.
Finn: Rachel, you can't ask me to choose between you and football.
Rachel: Well, I am.

Emma: Why did you lie to Rachel?
Finn: I didn't want to hurt her.
Rachel: Then why did you do it with her?
Finn: Why are you so caught up with who it was? It doesn't...
Rachel: Was it because she's hot?
Finn: Yeah, sure, she's super hot, but, um, that's...
[he sees Emma nonverbally telling him "no" and trails off]
Rachel: As a therapist, is it productive for me to slap him right now?
Emma: Well, I'm not a therapist, but no. Um... maybe you should storm out.
Rachel: Yeah.
[with a contemptable look, she storms out, leaving Finn alone]
Emma: Is there anything else you want to talk about?

Will: The tree really does look great.
Sue: Well, Santa had some helpers.
[she blows her whistle, and the Glee kids all enter]
Rachel: No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, Mr. Schuester.

Rachel: My dads went to couples counseling because one of them put up wallpaper in the den without asking the other, and they said it was the only thing that kept them from killing each other.
Emma: Okay.
Rachel: We need your help. That's why I set up this counseling session.
Emma: You're both in Glee. Why don't you sing about it? Right? Aren't there some great songs about betrayal or something? I'm pretty sure there's some Eagles songs.

[Hester finds Chad opening his pants in the graveyard]
Chad: I was just, uh... I was, uh...
Hester: Say it!
Chad: You know, sometimes uh, sometimes I come out here and I just run my hands on the gravestones. When I find a gravestone I like, I, uh... I get turned on and I, I rub one out to it.
Hester: I get it. I get you more than anyone. I also find the thought of dead bodies extremely arousing!

Rachel: What if he says I'll never sing again? I mean, who am I without my voice? I-I-I... I'm just this spoiled, annoying only child...
Finn: Don't say that. There's, like, so many awesome things about you.
Rachel: Like?
Finn: [dodging the question] Look, he's not gonna say you'll never sing again.
Dr. Gidwani: [entering] Bad news, Rachel. You'll probably never sing again.
[she gasps in horror]
Dr. Gidwani: I'm kidding. You have severe tonsillitis, which has resulted in an inner ear infection. From the looks of things, it's not the first time. You should have had them out years ago.

Hester: Chad, after our erotic bonding session in the cemetery and our coitus interruptus in the haunted house, I got the impression that you and I are on the verge of being the next it couple.
Chad: Yeah... I just don't know what would make you think that.
Hester: You texted me saying we were on the verge of being the next it couple, Hester, love Chad.
Chad: See, this is the problem with texting, you know. You can't hear the context.

Shelby: So, how'd your dads come up with the name Rachel?
Rachel: They were, um, big "Friends" fans. I know why you're here. To say goodbye.
Shelby: I really wanted this to work. Do you know what really turned me? That story that you told me about your dads, and how they'd bring you water when you were sad. We're never gonna have anything like that. It's too late for us. I just think that anything we share right now is gonna be confusing for you.
Rachel: I just don't understand. You... you're my mom. I feel awful right now, and I should want to fall into your arms and let you rock me and tell me everything is gonna be fine, but... I just don't feel it.
Shelby: It's because I'm your mother, but I'm not your mom.
Rachel: So, what? Do we just pretend we don't know each other now?
Shelby: That seems silly. Let's just be grateful for one another, from afar. For a while. Don't think for a second I'm gonna soft on you during regionals.
Rachel: Bring it.

Santana: I cannot wait 'till Finn takes his top off so we can all see the hotness underneath.
Finn: What are you talking about?
Brittany S. Pierce: You can't have Sloppy Joes every day for lunch and think you can get away with it.
Rachel: [supportively taking Finn's hand] Um... that's incredibly rude.
Quinn: Is it? Guys whisper behind our backs about how we girls look every day. They objectify us all the time.
Tina: She sort of has a point.
Santana: Yeah. Earlier today, Artie asked if he could make a gigantic omelet when I'm done with the ostrich eggs I'm smuggling in my bra.

Blaine: Now, I don't want to sound cocky or anything, but you guys better be pulling out all the stops for regionals, because the number we just rehearsed is so off the hook, it's dangerous.
Kurt: Seriously. People should wear protective headgear when they're watching it. Guys, we're kidding.
Rachel: Yeah, well, it's just hard to laugh right now with everything going on at McKinley.
Mercedes: I mean, look at us, the stars of two rival show choirs sitting down to coffee; our school is so messed up, we can't even keep our own football team together.
Rachel: It's so sad, you guys. Coach Beiste and Mr. Schue were so close at getting everyone at the school together.
Kurt: Why hasn't Finn told anything about this? I mean, we live together. I mean, I bring him a glass of warm milk every night, just in the hopes that we'll have a little lady-chat.
Blaine: Warm milk? Really?
Kurt: It's delicious.

Rachel: Well, my suspension is officially over. It'll still be on my transcript, though. I'm just hoping that the admissions department at NYADA see it as a sign of my artistic, rebellious attitude.

Artie: She slashed the tires on my wheelchair 17 times!
Mercedes: She swapped out my hair weave glue with mayonnaise
Kurt: She made a fake elevator, which she trapped us in, then she pumped airborne drugs through the vents and she built a small robot to try and force us to kiss while it watched and made noises.
Blaine: She put a live bear in my house!
Rachel: Sue Sylvester came all the way to New York City to see me in my opening night on broadway Honey Girl only to get up and leave in the middle of my performance to have sex all over my apartment!
Joe: She cut my dreads off!
Geraldo: Why do you think she hates the Glee Club so much? Do you have an explanation?
Artie: She's had it out for the Glee Club from the very beginning. Before we came along the Cheerios were the stars of this school and then we showed up and she's never forgiven us for stealing her thunder!

Rachel: Hey, I had something I wanted to talk to you about.
Kurt: Oh, please not another pregnancy.
Rachel: I... I think that you and I are a little bit more similar than you think.
Kurt: That's a terrible thing to say.
Rachel: I know you're lonely. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have feelings in high school that you can't act on for fear of being humilated, ridiculed, or worse. We're going to win Nationals this year, and you know how we're going to do that? Because we have you.
Kurt: That's true.
Rachel: That's twelve people who love you just for being exactly the way that you are. Look, I know you're lonely, but... you're not alone. So, I was wondering if you would maybe want to sing a duet with me. I think you'll be really happy with my song selection. It's sort of everything that both you and I love.
Kurt: But the, uh, duet competition is over.
Rachel: I know. I just... I thought this one could be for me and you.

Artie: I had never kissed a girl before.
Rachel: I was getting slushied.
Finn: I didn't... I didn't have a father. Someone I could look up to. Model myself after. Someone who could show me what it really meant to be a man.
Rachel: We don't care what the judges say. We won. Because we had you as a teacher.
Mercedes: And Glee Club will never end, Mr. Schue, because... you are Glee Club. And you're in all of us now.

Hester: What I've noticed is that the more weird and gross you are, the less people wanna know about you. No one asks the kid with terrible acne what their favorite movie is or where they were born.

Rachel: [angry that Finn bailed on a school photo] Oh, hello, Finn. How nice of you to show.
Finn: Look, I'm sorry. The guys were harrassing me in the locker room about it. They said that if I took the Glee Club photo that they'd make me choose between a Hitler mustache or buck teeth, and I can't rock either of those looks.

Rachel: Well, I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't look like anyone gonna be joining us, so I think we should just call it a day.
Will: We said 3:00 to 5:00. It's only 4:58.
Finn: Just wait. My buddy Sam's gonna try out. He totally idolizes me.
Kurt: [as they all start to leave] Oh, face it, Finn. You're no longer the quarterback. You're not the Pied Piper anymore. No one's gonna follow you around thinking everything you do is cool.

Finn: Well, we have a few things we'd like to show you, Mr. Schue. The first...
[the group moves aside, revealing the Sectionals trophy]
Will: I am so proud of you guys. You won fair and square. The result was unanimous, and... and the judges didn't even know about all the shenanigans that were going on behind the scenes. So... congratulations. You earned this.
[the students cheer and applaud]
Will: Give it up! Come on! All right! But... now we have regionals to worry about. And you can bet that Vocal Adrenaline is hard at work, so we should be, too. So, let's get started.
Noah: Uh, wait, Mr. Schue. There's one more thing.
Rachel: Since you weren't able to be there to see us perform, we put together a special number just for you.

Hester: Some people don't deserve to just get murdered, they need to be truly punished.

Will: Wait, what are these?
Rachel: My vitamin supplements. I'm taking them three times a day. I'm exhausted. I even felt a tickle in the back of my throat, and I never get sick.
Will: I just don't understand why you're so tired all of a sudden.
Rachel: Because every song I sing in here is a solo. As you know, I have perfect pitch, which also means I have a very sensitive ear. None of them were singing. I knew I needed proof, so I had a little talk with Lauren Zizes, president of the AV Club.

Rachel: Finn, listen to me. You know, even if we, we never won our Sectionals, or Nationals had never happened, it still would have been worth it. I mean, Glee, it's about the love of the music. It's about people like Puck and Artie, not just singing together but actually being friends. It's about Brittany and Mike dancing just for fun when no one else is around. It's even about the romances. You know they come and go, but they're just as important.

Will: [writing "funk" on the whiteboard] Funk. Use it in a sentence.
[everyone stays silent]
Will: Come on. Rachel.
Rachel: This cheese smells funky.
Noah: That's 'cause it's "from-unda" cheese.
Rachel: Shut it, Puckerman!
Will: Okay, okay. I was thinking more along the lines of... Vocal Adrenaline has sure put us all in a funk.
Kurt: I'm so depressed, I've worn the same outfit twice this week.
Will: What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats? New Directions is about to make their funk the P-funk. We are going to get funked up. The only way to do that is to beat them at Regionals. Vocal Adrenaline has never once done a funk number. They're a machine; a collective, synthesized, soulless beat. Funk is soul meets anger. Its passion is in its emotion. And Vocal Adrenaline doesn't perform with any. So you have your assignment. I want you guys to turn McKinley High into...
[singing]
Will: Funky town.

Hester: All killers have a cool costume: Jason with his hockey mask, Freddy Krueger's sweater and hat, Cujo's totally realistic dog costume.

Rachel: [after Sebastian gives Rachel a photo of a nude Finn] Oh, my God!
[covers up Finn's privates in the picture]
Rachel: That thing is photoshopped! His thing is not that small or brown!
Kurt: And he could never fit into those pumps.

Rachel: Are you still mad at me?
Jesse St. James: You know, before I transferred here to make you my girlfriend, I asked around about you, found out your rep; what kind of girl you were.
Rachel: What did they say?
Jesse St. James: Most of them had no idea who you were. The ones that did said you were kind of sneaky hot, but that that quality was canceled out by a compulsive need to be right and a strange affinity for sweaters with animals on them. The most interesting part was that, even though no one particularly liked you, they all said you were a person who could be trusted.
Rachel: I still am. I have this pathological need to be popular, okay? I... I just want people to think I'm cool so bad sometimes that it just clouds my judgment, okay? As a fellow star in the making, I'm... I'm sure you can understand that.
Jesse St. James: On that level, sure. But as the guy who gave up everything to be your one and only, I just can't see past this. I should have been enough for you, Rachel.
Rachel: I knew you'd break my heart.
Jesse St. James: Well, that's the funny thing about reputations. Everyone thinks I'm the big heartbreaker, but the fact of the matter is you broke mine first. Do me a favor. If we end up next to each other on the bar at Ballet Club this week, just do your arabesques and piqués in silence. Don't talk to me.

Tina: I can't believe we're finally breaking into the biz!
Rachel: You guys, I want us to always remember this moment. Soon there may be agents and managers and movie deals, but right now, I want us to remember what it feels like to be here together as a team.
Mercedes: Whatever. Soon as I get my record deal, I'm not speaking to any of you.

Santana: [passing by Rachel with Brittany] Hey, dwarf, anyone ever tell you that you dress like one of the bait girls on "To Catch a Predator"?
Brittany: Also, I'm more talented than you.
Rachel: [Finn snickers] You could have defended me.
Finn: [throwing it back in her face] Well, Santana has a point. Just trying to be honest.

Hester: Do you think you're man enough to take me inside that house and attack my crack?

[first lines]
Mercedes: Hey, babe. Looking good.
Rachel: Feelin' good, Mercedes.
Mercedes: This is amazing. Ever since Glee Club won sectionals, everybody looks at us differently.
Jacob: I want to be with you, Rachel.
Kurt: We're glitterati. I feel like Lady Gaga.
Rachel: Get used to it, guys. We're stars now. On par with all the jocks and popular kids. Oh, it's the dawn of a new era here at McKinley, and we are gonna rule this school!
[they all get slushies thrown in their faces]
Dave: [laughing] Welcome to Loser Town.
Azimio: Population: you!

Chanel: I only gave you the job of tallying the votes because I thought you Rain Man types were super-good at counting. Or are you one of those idiot savants who's heavy on the idiot, light on the savant?
Jennifer: I am neither, thank you very much. Years before the psychoanalytic society of America decided there was money to be made by creating what they called "the autism spectrum," I would've been considered a daydreamer or quirky, like a young Zooey Deschanel. I am not an idiot or a moron, I am simply a victim of my times.
Hester: Are you aware your pants are on backwards?

Will: [at Carl's dentist office] Hey, Rachel.
Rachel: Hey, Mr. Schue.
Will: You all set? You need me to stay with you or anything?
Rachel: No. I've been taking herbal anti-anxiety pills and reading "The Unauthorized Biography of Britney Spears" to stay calm. I look forward to the day the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them.

Rachel: I found her.
Jesse St. James: Your mother? Where?
Rachel: In the library. I've been researching her all morning, and as I suspected, my intuition has been proven correct. My mother is Broadway legend Patti LuPone.
[flashback, with Rachel narrating in voiceover]
Rachel: I've always had a deep connection to Ms. LuPone; her choice of roles and songs. I decided to do a little math to see if her being my mother was even possible. I was born December 18, 1994. 1994 was a big year for Mother. She was a sensation in "Pal Joey". "But that was in New York; I was born in Ohio," you say. Well, Mother took many breaks from the show to tour with Mandy Patinkin. That April found them at the EJ Thomas Hall in Akron, Ohio for a standing room performance nine months before I was born.
[return to real time]
Jesse St. James: Are you saying that your fathers impregnated Patti LuPone in the Marriott in Akron? Was Mandy Patinkin in on this?

Rachel: Now I'm free to pursue my dreams without anything holding me back.

Will: All right, guys, let's get things started.
Rachel: As I was first on the sign-up sheet, I'll kick things off.
Will: Okay.
Rachel: I have chosen Miley Cyrus' "The Climb", because it's about overcoming obstacles and beating the odds. In my case, the obstacle is you - my lackluster teammates who refuse to carry their own weight.

Hester: When I was six years old, my father died and my mother made me kiss the body at his funeral. Ever since then, I've been obsessed with death.

Noah: You okay?
Rachel: Why are you talking to me? Are you gonna steal something from me?
Noah: Look, after six hours in that Port-A-John, Ozzy himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised him that if he got me out of there, I'd start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that, so I changed it to just Jews.
Rachel: It's Finn.
Noah: Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert. Walk with me.
Rachel: [he leads her down the hall arm in arm] Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger.
Noah: It's the steroids.

Will: Now, we're a little short on female roles, so we're gonna have to double up on Columbias and Magentas.
Rachel: It's standard practice on Broadway. It'll preserve your voices.
Mercedes: I'd like to preserve you. In a jar. In my basement.
Will: Sam. I'd like you to play the role of the Creature.
Sam: From the Black Lagoon?
Quinn: Rocky. He's like the Frankenstein character, but blond. You'll kill the part. He's cute, just like you.
Santana: Better start working on those abs.
Sam: Are you kidding me? You could cut glass with these babies.

Rachel: Why did you bring me here? Is there a sale at Claire's?
Noah: I brought you here to knock some sense into you. You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Finn...
Kurt: But you will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks Puck, I'll take it from here. Nice effort, but only I can lead this Barbravention.
Rachel: Is she here?
Kurt: No, this is the mall in Ohio.

Hester: Well, I guess we'll just have to see how it goes bringing Chanel home for thanksgiving.
Chad: Yeah, I guess we will see, as that's what's going to happen.
Hester: I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Chad: Yeah, we will wait and see, as thanksgiving is an event that takes place in the future, and therefore it hasn't happened yet.
Hester: We'll see.
Chad: Yep, sure will, as the arrow of time flows in one direction causing future events to flow inexorably towards us.

Rachel: Did I hear something about a substitute?
[she slips on the patch of floor Puck has buttered]
Noah: Yes! It works!
Rachel: [standing and composing herself] Well, at least I didn't fall and break my talent. I'm fine.

Will: Since it seemed to get you guys jazzed about sectionals last year, I want to make this week our second annual boys versus girls tournament.
[cheers from the kids]
Will: So, split up into two groups, and figure out what songs you're going to sing.
Rachel: Okay, I have mash-up ideas in my head.
Will: [knowing Kurt is moving towards the girls] Kurt, gonna say it again. Boys' team.

Will: As we head into sectionals, I want to get some feedback, like what kind of stuff you guys would like to be doing. Is there anything, any music in particular, that you guys want to do?
Mercedes: Could we maybe try something a little more... black?
Kurt: I agree. We do an awful lot of show tunes.
Rachel: It's Glee Club. Not Krunk Club.
Mercedes: Don't make me take you to the carpet.

Sunshine: Hi, I'm Sunshine Corazon, and I'll be singing "Listen" from the movie "Dreamgirls".
Rachel: [quietly] Broadway show first.
Noah: [the club shushes her] Shut up.

Jesse St. James: What's this? "From Mother to Daughter."
Rachel: Oh, my god. She wrote this. She held this in her hand.
[he takes the cassette]
Rachel: Wh... what are you doing?
Jesse St. James: Playing the tape.
Rachel: No!
Jesse St. James: Why not? She wanted you to hear this.
Rachel: [stammering] I... I... I'm not ready. Look, this is all happening too fast. What if she's singing on the tape? What if she's terrible? Or worse, what if she's better than me?

Sebastian: Just think, from now until eternity, every time someone Googles Finn Hudson, they'll be treated to that and dozens just like it. That's the beauty of the Internet. It stays with us forever.
Rachel: What do you want, Sebastian?
Sebastian: I want a guaranteed Regionals win, so I want you to drop out. McKinley gets home-court advantage this year. You're going to come down with Asian bird flu or whatever Tina Blowing-Wang just had.
Rachel: But that is show choir terrorism.

Rachel: Are you sure about this, Noah? I mean, choosing us over the team means you might get a slushie in your face every day.
Noah: Bring it.

Rachel: Quinn, I'm so sorry. It was my wedding that you were going to when you got into your car crash and you were answering my text message. And now we're all sitting here and we're talking about this day that's supposed to be the most amazing and unforgettable day of our high school lives, and we're... we're completely ignoring the fact that she's sitting in that chair? It's not right. It's not right and it shouldn't be like this.
Quinn: Well, maybe not, but this is the way it is. My accident, which you did not cause, by the way, does not define me or ruin our senior year. I meant what I said in the choir room. I'm not gonna dwell on this and neither should any of you, okay?
[to Rachel]
Quinn: Come here.
[Rachel stands up and approaches Quinn]
Quinn: Come on.
[chuckles]
Quinn: Come on.
[Rachel slowly gives Quinn a hug]

Hester: Boone never actually enrolled in school. Since none of those frat guys ever went to class, it was easy to just show up there, say he was a student and blend right in.

Sam: Why can't we just let them back on the team just for this game?
Shannon: No. We carry this thing through, even if it means having to forfeit the game.
Finn: I can't believe this is it.
Rachel: [sharing a look with Mercedes] Maybe it isn't. We want to join the team.
Artie: "We" who?
Mercedes: All of us Glee girls. We want to join the football team, and we want to play in the championship.
Mike: Come on, guys, stop screwing around. It's not cool.
Lauren: What's not cool is you guys not respecting women enough to realize we're perfectly capable of playing football. And don't forget who the state champ in Greco-Roman wrestling is. I've got offers from three different professional wrestling organizations for after I graduate, so...

Rachel: [to Cassandra] I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. All those things that I said to you, they were completely wrong and... and out of line. I felt like you were picking on me for no reason.
Cassandra: Stop talking. Look, you lost it and you lashed out, same as I did ten years ago except all it took for you to snap was a little honest feedback and excuse me, dance class. And you expect to make it on Broadway? Where all there is is scrutiny and judgment?
Rachel: I'm really sorry...
Cassandra: And what if someone taped your little outburst and then posted it on the Internet? You'd never get cast. You have one chance. You screw it up, you're done. You're that crazy actress. And why would anybody want to work with you?
Rachel: Because you're good.
Cassandra: I was great, but it doesn't make a difference, because I wasn't ready for the pressure. Believe me, it's a whole lot more vicious out there than it is in here. That's why I pick on my students. I want them to be ready.

Rachel: Mr. Schuester is right. We can't get complacent.
Mercedes: Chill out. I already picked the songs. We're gonna do a mash-up of "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine".
Rachel: Yeah, that was my idea.
Mercedes: Whatever. Come on. We can do this in our sleep. You think those six dudes are gonna give us any competition? I say we just wing it.
Rachel: We can't just wing it.
Mercedes: All those in favor of winging it?
[nobody moves or replies]
Mercedes: All those opposed?
[Rachel raises her hand]
Mercedes: Looks like the ayes have it.

Rachel: We're going to give them what they want!
Kurt: [Skeptically] Blood?
Rachel: Better. Sex.

Hester: Since we spent so much time and money picking out the perfect Chanel classic flap jumper crocodile purse for you...
Chanel: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You dumb bitches got me - Chanel - a Chanel classic flap crocodile purse? That is bizarre! I mean, that's like bringing pineapples to Hawaii.

Jesse St. James: What took you so long? Your dads will be home soon.
Rachel: There was so much stuff in the basement, it's like a shrine. It's creepy and flattering at the same time.

Jesse St. James: Lionel Richie, huh? One of my favorites.
Rachel: Oh, my god, you're Jesse St. James. You're in Vocal Adrenaline.
Jesse St. James: And you're Rachel Berry. I saw you perform at sectionals. Your rendition of "Don't Rain on My Parade" was flawed. You totally lacked Barbara's emotional depth. But you're talented.

Hester: Obvi, I was the brains of the operation, Boone was the muscle, and Gigi was the weird and psycho beating black heart.

Kurt: I've been invited to audition for a solo.
Rachel: Why should I help you? I mean, you're our competition now.
Kurt: Because even though we hate each other, we've had our moments, and I could use your expertise. And no one knows how to kill a ballad quite like you. You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating.
Rachel: Considering that this might be my only chance to sing for a little while, I'll give you a couple tips. So, what did you, uh, have in mind?
Kurt: I've settled on Celine Dion's classic "My Heart Will Go On".
Rachel: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Kurt: No?
Rachel: Listen, you need something much more personal than that. I mean, this is about you. Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?
Kurt: No.
Rachel: I do. Finn throwing himself into the grave out of grief, and all of the heartfelt speeches and the regrets.
Kurt: That's insane.
Rachel: Clearly no one in the Glee Club appreciates me. Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am but it being too late?

Chanel: The Sexy Gopher Whore Head Challenge is one of Kappa House's oldest hazing traditions. You gals are gonna stay here over night getting to know each other and trying to keep the ants from crawling up your noses while the Chanels and I go get banana daiquiris at The White Stallion. Goodnight, ladies.
Sam: Guys, I can't move at all.
Hester: I think that's the point.
Jennifer: I don't mean to be a contrarian, but I'm enjoying this.
Tiffany: Guys, what do you think Taylor Swift is doing right now?

Rachel: Noah, you're arms are lovely.

Rachel: Brittany, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Brittany S. Pierce: No way.
Rachel: Why not?
Brittany S. Pierce: Because I don't want to be in a picture with you. It'll get defaced.
Rachel: No, it won't.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes, it will. I'll be the one doing it.

Hester: Kind of ironic that our first victim was actually the Red Devil. But when you wanna make an omelet, right?

Lauren: Bug the choir room? I'm almost offended by the simplicity of the request.
Rachel: Just tell me you can do it, Zizes. The microphones would have to be hidden.
Lauren: [another student passes by] Who's this guy? Who's this guy?
[she waits until he's gone]
Lauren: It'll cost you two boxes of Mallomars for me and Snickers bars for my workers. Take it or leave it, Berry.

Chanel: What are you doing standing over my bed with a knife watching me sleep?
Hester: I'm bored sitting around this apartment all day! Why don't you guys have any cable?
Chanel: We're millennials. No one has cable. That still doesn't answer my question about your standing over my bed with a knife!
Hester: I told you, I'm bored. When I get bored, I start to think of ways of how to murder people! If you don't give me something useful to do with my time here, at least one person in this house is gonna die.

Hester: Look, I'm all for Zayday not being tortured or killed or whatever, but don't you think a girl who wants to be president of this house should be able to prove her abilities by escaping from the lair of a psychopath?
Grace: That has nothing to do with being sorority president!
Sam: Actually, in this sorority it would a pretty powerful campaign platform.

Hester: Did you kill him? Because if you did, you need to tell us all of the details, including what his eyes looked like when he took his last breath. They say in that moment, the soul tells all of its secrets.
Chanel: No, THEY don't. No one says that!
Hester: Yeah, they do.

Finn: This look, it just isn't you. I mean, maybe when I first saw it, I was caught off guard by the fact that you looked all adult and stuff, but it's not what's really great about you, Rachel. I actually like the way you usually dress, sequined leg warmers and stuff.
Rachel: I thought this was what you liked.
Finn: No, not at all. Funny, I was just having this conversation last week with Kurt and he asked me...
[flashback]
Kurt: So, what kind of girls do you like?
Finn: Oh, uh... well, I like it when they're natural and stuff; not a lot of makeup, not skintight clothes. That sort of thing, you know?
Kurt: Totally.
Rachel: [back in real time] I feel like an idiot.

Rachel: Welcome! Kurt, Blaine... Wasn't expecting you guys.
Finn: Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history. Kind of insisted on coming.

Rachel: [finding Vocal Adrenaline in their auditorium] Jesse? What are you doing up there with them?
Jesse St. James: I've transferred back to Carmel High, Rachel. I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you guys were awful to me. You never accepted me, you never listened to my clearly superior ideas.
Finn: Why are you here in our auditorium?
Jesse St. James: The blogs and chat rooms say that we're finished, and that you guys are ripe to topple us. We just wanted to show you a little something that we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment.
[they perform a rendition of "Another One Bites the Dust"]
Giselle: Thanks for letting us borrow your auditorium, guys. It's quaint.

Holly: Rachel, I used to be just like you, trying to get everything so right, hanging on so tight.
Rachel: What happened?
Holly: I got punched in the face.

Rachel: Break a leg.
Finn: I love you.

Rachel: Tina, look, I understand that you feel like your voice is being stifled right now in the Glee Club. I mean, I have no idea why you would choose this moment specifically to make a stink about it but I want you to know that you are being heard which is why I'm willing to offer you $50 just to let this all go until after Nationals.
[Tina walks away from her and Rachel follows]
Rachel: Do you have any idea how important Nationals is to me? I mean, if I can convince Carmen Tibideaux to come and watch us perform, then it's basically like a do-over for my NYADA audition, which means that my entire future depends on us being amazing, which means that everyone needs to do their part.
Tina: Their part to make you look good. I have sat for three years, in the back of that choir room, holding Mike's hand or crying or smiling and swaying, while everyone else was out there singing solos. Maybe I say something, most of the time I don't, team player all the way. I am tired of being silent. I am one of the original Glee Club members and I was singing "Sit Down You're Rockin' the Boat" when Finn and Puck were still throwing Slushees at us. So when is it my turn?
Rachel: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be me? Do you have a Facebook account or Twitter account?
Tina: Yes.
Rachel: Do you have time to watch Bravo or read a book or buy laces for your incredibly high comical boots. Okay? I don't. It's exhausting being me. I get up at 5:00 in the morning just to get all of this prepared in case a solo is thrown my way. I have the entire Sondheim, Hamlisch, Lloyd-Webber, Elton John songbooks memorized, including every single Katy Perry hit, as well. And I do all of this while keeping my boyfriend interested and physically satisfied and being the captain of 16 clubs and keeping a 3.86 GPA.
Tina: I could do all of that.
Rachel: And you will. Next year. You'll have your chance next year.
Tina: All I want is, for one moment, to feel like you be up on that stage and get one of the standing ovations you're so used to getting.

Santana: Look, we may still be Cheerios, but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list.
Brittany: Well... I did. But I didn't know what she was gonna do with it.
Santana: Okay, look... believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here. And if you tell anyone this, I'll deny it - but I like being in Glee Club. It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't gonna go and mess it up.
Rachel: I believe you.

Finn: Look, I'm all for pumping up the team, making everyone feel special, but that's for practice. You don't take the star quarterback out before the big game.
Rachel: Yep.
Tina: Easy to say when you're the star quarterback.
Finn: This isn't just about me. This is about the team.
Santana: You are such a hypocrite.
Rachel: Oh, like you even know what that means.
Santana: It means that your boyfriend is full of crap, hobbit.

Rachel: I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and IQ. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day we don't know which one is my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing.

Artie: It makes sense that Vocal Adrenaline would pay homage. It's a brilliant move. She's a perfect fit for them.
Will: Hold on a second. We might be able to kill two birds with one stone here. We can help Tina find a new look and find a competitive number for regionals. This week, your assignment: Gaga.
[the students all gasp and mutter in excitement]
Rachel: Pens. We need pens. My ideas just come to me.
Will: Uh, my office. Right there.
Rachel: I'm brainstorming. It's coming.

Rachel: I don't understand why you're doing this.
Jesse St. James: Because when you love something, you've got to go for it. You'd never be with me completely if I was on the opposing team and I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline for you.

Will: We're only gonna do songs by neglected artists!
[the members looks confused]
Will: Because it's a night of... neglect.
Rachel: Can you define what you mean by 'neglected artists'?
Will: Eh... Someone whose brilliance isn't always appreciated.
Rachel: Oh, so you mean like me?

Hester: I came to see if Sam needed anything but she doesn't because she's dead!

[first lines]
Mercedes: Is it just me, or does it feel like we have a real shot at regionals next month?
Artie: The Ohio Show Choir chat rooms have all been buzzing that about how Vocal Adrenaline has lost a step.
Kurt: I agree. The judges know all of their tricks and now that we have Jesse, they've lost their best performer.
Rachel: [approaching, in a panic] You guys have to come to the auditorium. It's an emergency.

Rachel: Last week, when... when we were fighting, I was... I was so mad at you and I... I was... I was so hurt that I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt.
[flashback to her making out with Puck]
Rachel: [Puck stops] Is something wrong? Did I bite you again?
Noah: I did this to Finn once before. I... I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I have to go.
[return to real time]
Rachel: I'm so sorry, and... and it will never, ever happen again.
Finn: I knew you were a lot of things, Rachel, and I loved you because and in spite of all of them, but... I never thought you were mean.
Rachel: I'm saying that I'm sorry. And doesn't what you did with Santana kind of cancel this out?
Finn: We weren't together. I didn't cheat on you. How could you do this to me?
Rachel: It was a mistake. Well, maybe we should go to another counseling sessions with Ms. Pillsbury.
Finn: Can't have couples counseling if you're not a couple.
Rachel: You're breaking up with me?
Finn: What you did was really bad, Rachel. And you knew how sensitive I'd be about this after what happened with Quinn.
Rachel: You said you'd *never* break up with me.
Finn: I never thought you'd make me feel like this.

Will: April is amazing. But she's not in the glee club anymore. It... I, uh... I screwed up bringing her here. It was about me, and Glee Club is supposed to be about you guys. You don't need her to be great.
Mercedes: But we need her for the second act.
Will: I'll just have to go out there and tell them we had to cut the show short.
[seeing how disappointed they are]
Will: Hey, guys. You were great. Don't worry. There will be other performances.
Rachel: [entering] Excuse me? I think I might have a solution. In show business, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in. I'd be happy to go in for April, if you'd let me.
Mercedes: Since when are you willing to be an understudy?
Rachel: Since I quit the play.
Kurt: Really? Why?
Rachel: I realized being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend. If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself. I know all the words to the song.
Quinn: You don't know the choreography.
Finn: Then we're gonna have to give her a lot of help out there.
Will: Go get in your costume.

Chanel: You can knock of the neckbrace-in-the-headlights act. You're the darkest bitch of them all... #3 told me that you were the one who turned me into the police.
Hester: Those are some serious accusations and they make no sense considering everything that I've seen and done for you here, Chanel. Miss Bean, #2. I would be opening myself up to a lot of trouble if I were to turn you into the authorities.
Grace: It doesn't do any of us any good to start accusing each other with no evidence. But it is pretty suspicious that you're the one who found the body, Hester.

Shannon: All of you are gonna be in this Glee Club for one week, no exceptions.
Dave: She's bluffing. Next week is the championship game. Without us, she has no team.
Shannon: With you, I have no team! You guys have gotta find a way to come together, or we're gonna get our asses kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddlebag full of buckwheat.
Azimio: If I have to stay, I'm not singing no show tunes. That is the music of my oppressors.
Finn: Do you even have any idea what we do in here?
Will: No. None of them do. We have to show them. Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? Why don't you give it a whirl?
Rachel: Fine. As offended as I am by their presence here, I won't let anything get in the way of a performance.

Finn: But he doesn't want us to, he just doesn't have the confidence to coach us anymore. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff.
Rachel: And that's my fault?
Finn: Do you see anyone else in here with a plate of "I'm sorry" cookies? I don't, just you.

Rachel: I'm so sorry. I fully understand if you want to beat me up. If you can, just try to avoid my nose.
Quinn: I'm not mad at you. All you did was what I wasn't brave enough to do. Tell the truth.
Rachel: I was selfish when I told him. I wanted to break you two up so he would want to be with me.
Quinn: And now neither of us have him.
[after a moment of silence]
Quinn: I have hurt so many people. Can you go now? I just really want to be alone.

Rachel: I don't understand what any of this means...
Finn: It means I suck! It means I'm gonna be stuck here forever! Recruiter's not gonna recruit me. They said I-I'd reached my ceiling.
Rachel: There are other colleges...
Finn: Are there other schools for you besides NYADA? I'm not good enough! I'm not a good enough quarterback to get a scholarship, I'm not a good enough singer to get into NYADA, it's all over for me!
Rachel: Stop it! Finn, look at me. Your dreams are not dead, okay? You've just grown out of them. You have to find new ones now.
Finn: I don't know how.
Rachel: Then we'll figure it out together! You're special. You know how I know that? 'Cause I am gonna give you something that's no one else is ever gonna get.
Finn: You don't have to do this. The play's over, there's no point...
Rachel: No, the point is that I was wrong, and stupid, and immature, and probably not for the last time lost in my ambition, and...
Finn: And now?
Rachel: Now I'm just a girl, here with the boy that she loves, and wanting to remember this moment for the rest of her life.

Rachel: [excited that Glee hasn't been canceled] Okay, you guys, I think this is the perfect opportunity for us to start rehearsing for next year's sectionals immediately.
Will: Guys, you've all worked really hard this year...
Rachel: But I have ideas.
Will: ...and you deserve a break. Take the summer off. Have some fun.

Hester: I will always let you attack my crack, even when I've had a really large meal and I'm unsure of what you might encounter up there.

Finn: What's up, A-Rage? Hey, sweet mash-up. You guys were so... energetic.
Rachel: We were just taking a lesson from Major League Baseball. It... it's not cheating if everyone's doing it. We were just leveling out the playing field.
Finn: You really believe that?
Rachel: No. Okay, I... I feel terrible. Even if we win, it's not gonna be satisfying.
Finn: I know. I don't even remember performing. What do you think we should do?
Rachel: I think... the only way to make things right is to just withdraw from the competition. You know, admit that we were wrong and disqualify our respective teams immediately. No one gets to win.
Finn: Cool.
Rachel: I'm sorry about what I said the other day. About calling you contemptible and deplorable.
Finn: Ah, that's all right. I didn't even know what those words meant.
Rachel: What I meant to say is that I guess I get caught up in the competitive hysteria, too. My goals are too selfish. You know, it's time for me to stop competing against everyone and start competing alongside them.

Rachel: Being in New York is like falling in love. Over and over again, every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights that you see in those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is some street singers to senerade behind us to make it perfect.
Finn: [the other boys in Glee club sings "Bella Notte" behind them] Wait... This is the moment in those romantic comedies where I kiss you.

Hester: I am so grateful that you guys are sharing your not-food lunch with me, but won't we, like, die if we eat cotton balls?
Chanel: Only if they cause a blockage in our intestinal tracks, but that's what the sauce is for.
Chanel: Lubrication. And it gives you that wonderfully full feeling without all of the calories.

Will: Well, I genuinely hope you guys are happy, because Coach Beiste has quit.
Finn: Wait, what? That's terrible.
Sam: Yeah, that's not what we want.
Artie: That's the opposite of what we want. The football team was actually winning.
Will: Well, then you'd better but your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast, because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school.
Rachel: I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?
Finn: No, no. It's us. The boys.
Mike: And Tina.
[everyone turns around and stares]
Finn: We sort of figured out that picturing Beiste while making out was even better than a cold shower.
[seeing Rachel's expression]
Finn: I... I mean, I don't. Ever.
Quinn: [quietly to Sam] Oh, wow. I'm sorry.
Santana: Can I just say that this is what happens when people don't put out? If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.

Hester: Growing up, all I wanted to be was a fashion girl... and then tragedy struck!
Chanel: Is that how you got in that hellacious neckbrace? Was there an accident?
Hester: No, severe scoliosis. It stunted my growth.

Will: Tell me this isn't true, Rachel.
Tina: She could have died.
Rachel: I didn't send her to an *active* crack house. Besides, how did you guys find out anyways?
Mike: The Asian community is very tight.
Will: I just don't get it. You're better than this.
Tina: No, she's an ambitious little freak who will do anything to hold onto her power.
Rachel: I just... I... I love you guys so much. I was wrong before. I don't want any new members. I didn't want anyone coming in and... and messing up our group dynamic. Tina, Mike, I mean, what if Sunshine can dance? Then your contributions to Glee will be even more insignificant than they already are now. I did this for you guys.
Will: Whatever your motivations, you need to make this right, Rachel.

Rachel: Do you know that when we dated, the rest of the school gave us a nickname? Puckleberry.
Noah: That's humiliating.
Rachel: The fact is that slumming it with me actually improved your reputation. It gave you a sense of humanity.
Noah: Wait. Do you want to date again? I was wondering why you invited me here.
Rachel: As you know, I'm taken. But I can be of some assistance. Help me with my song for Glee Club. I... I might be the last chance you have to salvage what's left of your reputation, and stay in Glee. Besides, you need a song that's going to help you express your inner pain.
Noah: So what song do you want to do for your assignment?
Rachel: I've chosen David Geddes' fantastically terrible '70s top ten hit "Run Joey Run". It's a story song. So we get to play parts. I'm going to play the role of the tragic heroine who dies in the end, a la Nicole Kidman in "Moulin Rouge". And you can be the hunky, heroic male lead.
Noah: Do I get to kill you?
Rachel: Actually, my dad shoots me with a shotgun.

Tina: Do you want half of my peppermint patty?
Mercedes: No. I don't put junk in my body.
Artie: Why are you doing this? We like you no matter how you look.
Tina: And those shake diets are really unhealthy.
Artie: They also don't really work. As soon as you go off them, you gain back the weight you lost.
Mercedes: [standing up in anger] You know what? I don't want to hear it! You have no idea how much I'm sacrificing to be a Cheerio! To look fantastic. To finally fit in at this school.
Tina: [looking like an ice cream cone] We're just trying to look out for you.
Artie: [looking like a piece of cake] We just want you to be healthy.
Mercedes: Stop getting all up in my face, telling me what I can and cannot do. And I'm really hungry, so stop trying to get me to eat you!
Artie: Hold up. Did she just say she wanted to eat us?
[as Mercedes turns to leave, she sees Rachel and Jesse, appearing as a cupcake and cheeseburger, respectively]
Rachel: The point is that Fanny Brice is the most iconic work.
Mercedes: Aw, damn.
[her eyes glaze over and she falls to the floor]

Rachel: [learning Finn once slept with Santana] Just tell me if it's true.
Finn: I'm sorry. Okay? I shouldn't have lied to you. I just thought that if I told you the truth, you'd get so mad at me, and you're kind of scary.
Rachel: Don't you see how it's ten times worse now? And why her? I mean, Quinn I'd understand, but her? Do you think she's prettier than me?
Emma: Don't answer that.

Rachel: Kurt, why did you volunteer to give me a new look?
Kurt: One, I'm a sucker for makeovers. And two, you need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time, I find it hard to be in the same room with you. Especially this one. Which looks like where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie come to hook up.

Rachel: [inviting Schue to the auditorium] So, we have something we need to say to you.
Matt: In the beginning of this year, I was just another football player.
Tina: I had a stutter.
Mercedes: I was a closeted diva.
Quinn: I used to be captain of the Cheerios.
Mike: I was afraid to dance outside my room.
Santana: I hated everyone in this club.
Brittany: So did I.
Kurt: I wasn't honest about who I was.
Noah: I was tossing kids into dumpsters.

Hester: Yes, I orchestrated the whole thing. But you can't lay a hand on me. It's called double jeopardy. You can't be tried for the same crime twice.
Denise: But you haven't been tried twice. The Chanels were tried the first time.
Hester: But someone was convicted, so it's double jeopardy.
Denise: No, again YOU haven't been tried yet at all.
Hester: It's double jeopardy!
Denise: It's single jeopardy!

Rachel: Thanks for helping with the party clean up, especially since you didn't even drink.
Kurt: I was in the neighborhood.
Rachel: At 10 o'clock? Are you sure you're not here just to find out how my date with Blaine went?
Kurt: Oh, that was tonight?
Rachel: Look, we're friends, so I'm gonna be honest with you... the date was lovely. We saw Love Story at the Revival Theater. We even dressed up as the characters.
Kurt: [Sarcastically] That's not gay at all. Did you kiss?
Rachel: No, or lips spent the evening mouthing Ali MacGraw's dialogue. Frankly, I did expect a little snog as the date drew to a close, but I guess the timing just wasn't right.
Kurt: Or the blood alcohol level.
Rachel: Look, I know that you have feelings for him and I'm sure you think I'm crazy for asking him out, but Blaine is obviously conflicted and if he turns out not to be gay, well then, I guess I will have done you a favor.
Kurt: And I'm doing you a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.
Rachel: Blaine and I have a lot in common.
Kurt: A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay. Look, I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have a jolly good time shopping at Burberry and arguing who would make the better Rum Tum Tugger. I don't dispute that, but there's something that you and Blaine will never have and that's chemistry.
Rachel: Fine. Then I'm gonna prove you wrong. I'm gonna take the beer goggles off and I'm gonna kiss him sober. And if the spark is still there, then I am taking you to your bakery of choice for a piping hot slice of humble pie.

Rachel: You told Kurt?
Finn: I don't remember. Maybe.
Mercedes: About Finn and Santana? No, I think I told him.
Rachel: Who told you?
Quinn: Me. I think Brittany told me. Or maybe it was Puck.
Noah: Yeah, it was me.
Rachel: Everybody knew about this but me?
Tina: Pretty much.
Santana: Nobody tells you anything because "A", you're a blabber mouth, and "B", we all just pretend to like you.
Noah: That's not true. I kind of like her.
Finn: Look, Rachel, when all this happened, you were dating another guy, so you don't really have a right to be pissed at me about it, okay? And fine, I shouldn't have lied about it, but to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all.
Rachel: Oh, who are you right now?
Lauren: Best green room ever.

Rachel: Haven't seen you at Glee rehearsals.
Quinn: I'm not Superwoman. I know Glee is your whole life, but I have the Cheerios, I'm on honor roll, I have friends.
Rachel: You don't have to be so embarrassed. No one at Glee is gonna judge you. Look I know, everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don't hate you.
Quinn: Why not? I've been awful to you.
Rachel: That was before you knew what it was like to be me; an outsider. More people are gonna start finding out about this, and you're gonna need friends who can relate.
Quinn: How can you relate to what I'm going through?
Rachel: You don't think people whisper about me in the lunchrooms or draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls?
Quinn: That was me, actually.
Rachel: Look, I don't agree with the choice you're making, but you're gonna need Glee. You have seven months of your youth left. You should enjoy it. And let's face it, in a of couple months, that cheerleading uniform isn't gonna fit and we're gonna be all you have left. Just come back to practice. Boys versus girls, it's fun. And we could certainly use your voice right now. You're actually a good singer, Quinn. Occasionally sharp, but that's just because you lack my years of training.
Quinn: I would have tortured you if the roles were reversed, you know.
Rachel: I know.

Hester: I want everything Chanel has... and that includes you.
Chad: Oh my God, I got a total chub right now.