The Best Sam Quotes

Sam: What time is it? It's gotta be like four in the morning.
Zayday: Y'all hear dat? D'y'all *hear* dat?
Tiffany: What are you guys talking about?
Zayday: [sound of small engine being started] Is that killer noises or am I hallucinating?
Tiffany: One more time, will you speak up?
Zayday: Is that a lawnmower?
Hester: What's happening?
Zayday: [screaming] Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.
Tiffany: Are you screaming...
Zayday: [screaming] Help me. Help me.
Tiffany: or singing?
Zayday: [screaming] Help me. Help, this is a nice neighborhood.
[all begin screaming]
Tiffany: Are you singing a Taylor Swift?
[begins singing mostly inaudible]
Hester: Help!
Tiffany: Holy crap!
[more screams]

Sam: You're alive.
Zayday: Damn straight I'm alive! Can't be the next president of this joint if I'm dead!

Chanel: My dad is not my real dad. See, my mom is crazy and always thinks aliens are talking to her, and the year before I was born she started corresponding with this really bad man who's in prison because he's responsible for the deaths of, like, A LOT of people. And my mom evidently arranged conjugal visits with this guy and so last year I took a DNA test and I found out this guy's my real father.
Sam: Who's the guy?
Chanel: Charles Manson.

Hester: Look, I'm all for Zayday not being tortured or killed or whatever, but don't you think a girl who wants to be president of this house should be able to prove her abilities by escaping from the lair of a psychopath?
Grace: That has nothing to do with being sorority president!
Sam: Actually, in this sorority it would a pretty powerful campaign platform.

Sam: I think the only way to be sure of your feelings is if you let me gently rub your uterus right now.

Chanel: Was I interrupting you?
Sam: No, it's cool. I was just practicing looking disinterested.
Chanel: Do you do that too? Because when I was a kid, no one liked me cuz my dad was rich so I started acting like I didn't care. But then I realized I really wasn't pretending and I actually didn't care.

Chanel: The Sexy Gopher Whore Head Challenge is one of Kappa House's oldest hazing traditions. You gals are gonna stay here over night getting to know each other and trying to keep the ants from crawling up your noses while the Chanels and I go get banana daiquiris at The White Stallion. Goodnight, ladies.
Sam: Guys, I can't move at all.
Hester: I think that's the point.
Jennifer: I don't mean to be a contrarian, but I'm enjoying this.
Tiffany: Guys, what do you think Taylor Swift is doing right now?

[the Red Devil killer looms over Sam]
Sam: Wait, if you're gonna kill me, please show me who you are first.
[the killer removes their mask]
Sam: I knew it. I knew it was you!

Grace: There's going to be a new Kappa House on this campus and it starts with us. It's going to be a sorority about empowerment, sisterhood and respect.
Sam: That sounds terrible.

Sam: I wanna us to talk about the other thing you said, about how you thought you had feelings for me.
Chanel: The only feelings I have for you now are raged and pissed-offedness.

Sam: Look, I'm not saying that all heterosexual sex is rape, I'm saying all heterosexual sex is gross and that deep down, every woman knows this.

Chanel: If and when the next murder happens, I need an alibi to prove it could not have been me... which it won't be because I'm not the killer. But no one knows when or where the next murder will happen, but when it does, I need you to be my alibi. And I can be your alibi too. We'll be alibi buddies... alibibidies... alibibi...
Sam: I think alibuddies.