50 Best Dean Cathy Munsch Quotes

Dean: How did my life turn into this? I marched for the equal rights amendment. I burned my bra in the middle of this campus. And then left school to intern for Gloria Steinem at Ms. Magazine. This generation? They couldn't give a rat's ass about any of it. Nothing's changed.

Dean: Have you seen the way girls dress on this campus? These sorority bitches, strutting around in basically just their underwear, screaming bloody murder about being objectified as if they haven't objectified themselves already.

Dean: I understand you're a widower.
Wes: That's right.
Dean: I'm so sorry. And I want you.
Wes: What?
Dean: To understand that I'm here for both your daughter and you.

[first lines]
Cathy: [holding up a blood bag] This is a normal pint of blood.
[holding up a different bag]
Cathy: This is a pint of blood I just tried to give a patient with hemolytic anemia. As you can see, has a little mouse in it. And this one... has a bunch of coins at the bottom. Clearly, the only blood at this hospital is blood spilled by the Green Meanie that has been mopped up and put back into bags.
Chanel: Sorry. That's on me. I've just gotten really into recycling lately, and instead of just dumping all these patients' blood into the swamp like everything else, I thought it'd be nice if that patient's blood could have a... second life, pumping through the hearts and boners of all the neediest patients at this hospital.

Dean: I've already contacted the police department despite the fact that a person can't be considered missing until at least 72 hours has passed.
Grace: She could be dead by then!
Gigi: She could be dead now! I'm sorry, that's morbid, but she could be. She probably is!

Zayday: I'm afraid you have kuru.
Cathy: What the hell's kuru?
Chamberlain: It's a disease that cannibalists get after they eat people.

Dean: I'm gonna be honest. I hate sororities and I hate you. For years, I've seen the damage these so-called sisterhoods have had on young girls.
Chanel: Do you think you like to munch box because your last name is Munsch or is that just a coincidence?
Dean: First of all I'm not a lesbian. Second, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You see, out in the real world, people just don't talk that way to other people. It's not normal.

Dean: Do you mean to suggest I changed out of my nightgown, strapped myself into a skin-tight pleather Red Devil costume, climbed out a second-story dormer and shimmied to the ground with a chainsaw before entering a window I had left open, tried to kill you, then leapt out the window, climbed back up the wall, changed back in my nightgown and raced downstairs, all in the course of about ninety seconds?
Wes: Yes, that is exactly what we mean to suggest, Dean!

Dean: You are awful in bed! Are you aware? I mean, just the worst.
Chad: What-what? Did I not take you there?
Dean: Look what I've stooped to. Getting sex by blackmailing students on academic probation.

Chad: I'm in love with you.
Dean: Of course you are. Cuz that's the only way this situation could get more depressing. Please leave.
Chad: I will, but I'm gonna take a pair of your panties.
Dean: I'm gonna barf on your face unless you get out of here!

Grace: You told me if I helped you get out of that asylum, you'd tell me what happened to the baby in the bathtub.
Dean: Did I? Really? Wow! I have no memory of that. I mean, look, I was probably high on klonopin at the time, so you can't really hold me to anything I might have said.

Cathy: Alright Chanels, your job is to follow the doctors around and observe them. You just stand there silently. Something I like to call ghosting.
Chanel: Point of order, I don't think that's what ghosting is. Ghosting is when you leave a party without saying goodbye.
Zayday: That's French Exit.
Chanel: Okay, you guys are all idiots. Ghosting is when you've been texting with a guy for a long time, and you know, things are going really, really well and you think that's he's really into you, and then all of a sudden, one day he just stops texting back because he finally saw what you look like, and so you just text him, and you're like, "Hey sexy, where'd you go?" And then he just doesn't answer because he ghosted.
Chanel: Wait, isn't ghosting when you do a number two and you look down at the paper and there's nothing there, and so you stand up and you look in the toilet but there's nothing there either because the turd somehow got shot down the hole before you even flushed? I mean, that's ghosting.
Cathy: Alright! There are a lot of uses for the term ghosting. The usage I am describing is where you stand silently and say nothing!
Chanel: That's not ghosting.

Dean: Do you know what I find the most appalling thing about you? You act like you are this benevolent champion of justice, when really at the end of the day, this is just about you finding out who your mommy is.

Detective: This is awkward because, you know, we're kinda friends...
Dean: Oh no, no. When my mouth has been where it's been on your body, I think we can safely say we are more than "kinda friends."

Dr. Brock Holt: [after Wes' surgery] It's called trichobezoar. It's, uh... basically doctor talk for "hair ball". Listen, you know, you would have made our lives a lot easier and the operation a lot safer if you just would have told us the truth.
Chanel: How'd he get that much hair in his stomach?
Chanel: Duh. He's obviously been dating one of those Occupy Wall Street or Pussy Riot girls who think not shaving their cooter is some kind of political protest against the patriarchy or something.
Chanel: Are you saying that that's a giant Ziploc bag full of Commie pubes?
Chanel: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Brock Holt: No, they're not pubes. Mr. Gardner suffers from a condition called trichophagia.
Cathy: Oh, it's from the Greek. Trichia meaning "hair", and phagein meaning "to eat".
Dr. Brock Holt: Yes. Exactly. That's exactly right, yeah. It's a psychological disorder that causes, uh, people to pull out and then eat their own hair.
Chanel: Number Five, how have you never come down with that?
Chanel: Seriously. That seems right up your alley.

Dean: God, I hate you people!
Chanel: Exactly. You hate sororities, and you hate Kappa Kappa Tau. And when you couldn't just kick us off campus, you made sure no one pledged but losers and then started removing us from school the only way you could... murder.

Dean: Do yourself a favor. Stay away from my man. Wes and I are kind of an item, and I call dibs.
Gigi: You can't call dibs on a person.

Grace: How could she possibly be Charles Manson's daughter and one of the babies in the bathtub? I mean, don't we all agree that those babies are the killers?
Dean: Do we even have any evidence that this Manson story is true? How do we know she didn't just invent it, just so we wouldn't think she was the killer?
Zayday: That seems like an unnecessarily complicated cover story.
Dean: Yes... But aren't those the best kind?

Chanel: [to Dean Munsch] Can you please stop flirting with Dr. Brock as if he had sex with you for any reason other than the fact that he was sad about me and you were the closest semi-damp orifice?
[to Brock]
Chanel: Thank you for letting me be the one to draw your blood, Brocky. You know every drop counts towards the competition, and I really want to win so we can go on our romantic, all expenses paid vacation to Blood Island.
Dr. Brock Holt: Now, have you done any research on this place? Because it doesn't sound very romantic.
Cathy: Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine. I mean, clearly, you're a risk taker, Brock. And millennials like Chanel here, they live in a post-AIDS world. Most of them just assume they're gonna get HPV, herpes, or the clap.
Chanel: Excuse me, but I am perfectly clean.
Cathy: Honestly, Brock, I think you're safer putting your penis in a land mine or a wood chipper than having sex with Chanel.

Zayday: We need to have a discussion.
Cathy: Does it involve the inane decision to make our first case an incurable genetic disorder? Why on earth did I insist on making werewolf-girl our flagship case? Would've been easier to cure Zika.

Cathy: I heard screaming!
[seeing one of the Chanels dead]
Cathy: Damn it! You know, at some point, this swamp is gonna be, like, 90% dead bodies.

Cathy: We are one dead body away from being revealed as the hospital where patients come, get cured and then are *brutally murdered* by a serial killer! Now, I would much rather we were known as the site of the most high-profile surgical procedures in the last decade.

Dean: Now, I'm not sure your aware, but I'm no longer associate dean. After Dean Reynolds' unfortunate passing over the summer, I was promoted to her position.
Chanel: Well, that sure sounds suspicious.
Dean: Yes, I snuck into the home of my 80-year-old colleague of twenty years, dropped a transistor radio in her bathtub so I could get a 5% raise.

Zayday: If you came here to apologize, we're not interested.
Dean: Oh, I never say I'm sorry. I've done what I had to do for the sake of this school and my career, both of which will be here long after you or any of the students here are gone, either through graduation or death.
Grace: I am shocked that your husband left you.

Cathy: This place is called The Cure Institute! Do you know what the opposite of Cure is? Death!

Cathy: Call the police!... No, don't call the police, they're morons!

Pete: I'm buddies with the county coroner. Him and my brother used to sell illegal fireworks in high school. I bribed him with a bag of weed to get some of Boone's hair. This is the part I'm kind of ashamed of...
Dean: Wait a minute. There's a part *other* than bribing a government official with drugs so that you can steal the hair of a dead man that you're ashamed of?

Dean: I've got news for you, self-involved junior, just because you know a guy who was in class with the dead girl's roommate does not mean that it could have been you.

Cathy: From now on, when someone has just fought off the killer and they're about to reach down and pull off the mask and find out who it is - NOT the time to distract them with a bunch of questions!

Dean: This is the final police report on the assault of your presidential predecessor at Kappa, Melanie Dorkus.
Chanel: That girl was a bitch, who thought she was all that because her family founded the Olive Garden and she had no gag reflex.

Wes: I was a bit of a man-slut back in the day - and it was the '90s, so nobody wore condoms.
Dean: Trust me.

Dean: I am the administration's liaison to Greek Life on campus. If a young sorority pledge dies under my so-called supervision, my career is over! But her dreams are as dead as she is while mine still burn bright.

[the killer put Gigi's head on a platter during Thanksgiving dinner]
Zayday: At first I was like, "What a weird turkey," and then it clicked. Like, "Damn, that's a head!"
Dean: Yeah, I know, I know. It's very,very upsetting.
Zayday: But then I noticed the smell. And I'm like, "Gigi's roast head actually smells kinda delicious!"

Chad: Are you guys boning?
Dr. Brock Holt: We went to the movies last night, I grabbed her boob.
Chad: One boob?
Dr. Brock Holt: Mmm-hmm.
Chad: I thought doctors had game. Why don't you try two handfuls?
Cathy: Okay, okay. You can fight over Chanel's breasts later. Though it would be sort of like going to war over the Falklands, a lot of work for a relatively small and insignificant amount of land.

Dean: Go take a psychology course. Try to figure out who gave you such disgusting mommy issues.
Chad: It was, you know, probably my mom.

Dr. Cassidy Cascade: You know you're not really a doctor.
Cathy: I'm sorry, but when I gave the commencement address of the University of Pittsburgh last year, they gave me the actual honorary doctorate they stripped from Bill Cosby.

Chad: I'm gonna call ya.
Dean: As I can't destroy every phone on earth, that'll remain a possibility.

Dean: In the age of Twitter, students were instagramming pictures of the crime scene and posting narcissistic Facebook posts about where they were when it happened before the police even arrived.

Dean: You scheduled this meeting. That means you talk first and I do my best to try to pretend to listen.

Dean: I don't trust a girl with a huge bush of pubic hair. Makes me think she has something to hide.

Dean: My mother used to say that smugness gives you wrinkles.
Grace: Oh, was I being smug? Sorry, I thought I was just being right.

Dr. Brock Holt: I know why you're doing this. You're trying to get back at me. You're jealous because I picked Chanel over you.
Cathy: That is absolutely correct! Because if you were screwing me, in the way that a woman like myself requires in her voracious, juicy dowdidge, then you wouldn't find yourself in this predicament. But you're not. So I *am* screwing you.

[Brock enters Cathy's office, drenched in blood]
Dr. Brock Holt: I need to talk to you.
Cathy: Is that your blood?
Dr. Brock Holt: No.
Cathy: Is it the blood of someone who could be "referred to" as a murder victim?
Dr. Brock Holt: No.
Cathy: Last question. Is it the blood of someone who is vital to you performing this very important surgery that I am counting on you to perform?
Dr. Brock Holt: No, it's the blood of a patient. I was doing a simple knee-replacement and my hand got all cuckoo and stabbed a patient in the femoral artery.

Dean: Have any of you ever heard of "negligent homicide?" If the police come, they will arrest all of you for leaving this girl to die while you were downstairs getting into the groove.

Chanel: Who is the only person we know who has a more clear and obvious motive for killing Kappas then Dean Munsch?
Dean: THAN... Dean Munsch. "Than." Not "then," "than." Have you ever even cracked open a book or attended a class?

Chanel: I could've sworn I heard Chanel #5 scream.
Cathy: How did you hear her from across the hospital?
Chanel: [in the distance] Help!
Chanel: She's drawn to Chanel #5's pain like a shark to blood in the water. She developed a fine-tuned addiction to it.

Dean: Here's to young girls getting what they had coming to them.

Cathy: You don't happen to know if there are any New Guinean restaurants in town, do you?
Zayday: No. I didn't even know that was a thing.
Cathy: Yeah, I just have a taste for it.

Dean: Now Dean Reynolds' over-sight of Greek life at this school was so negligent that it bordered on the criminal, and Kappa is the source of rampant reports of alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, racism, as well as allegations of bestiality...
Chanel: No one forced that goat to get as drunk it got! That's on him.
Dean: But all of it is like children playing in a sandbox compared to the horrors that occurred at Kappa last spring.

Dean: I think we can all agree that one of the Red Devil killers is Boone. I propose that the other Red Devil killer is... Chanel #3.
Chanel: What? No. I've never killed anyone. As far as I know.
Dean: But your real daddy has, Baby Manson.
Grace: Okay, there is no evidence at all that mass murder is genetic.
Wes: Wait. Her dad is Charles Manson? How do I not know this?