20 Best Wes Gardner Quotes

Wes: Wow, these are those moments that I wish your mom was still alive. I mean, not your actual mom. She would've told you to fake being pregnant and then had him give you money for fake morning-after pills and then sleep with his friends to make him jealous.

Wes: My girlfriend was murdered! The killer cut her head off and tried to serve it to us for Thanksgiving.
Detective: Sounds awful... but I'd keep that to yourself. Pretty much always, the boyfriend's the prime suspect.
Wes: Oh. Well, I was about to break up with her. I mean, she was drivin' me nuts!
Pete: You're not really helpin' yourself.

Grace: Dad, you can't marry Gigi.
Wes: Honey, who said anything about marriage? She was so excited about the engagement. I didn't want to bum her out, so I figured if I played along with it... you know, it would lead to some mind-blowing sex, which I was totally right about!
Grace: Dad! Oh my god, please stop! Just believe me when I tell you that Gigi is crazy!

Dean: I think we can all agree that one of the Red Devil killers is Boone. I propose that the other Red Devil killer is... Chanel #3.
Chanel: What? No. I've never killed anyone. As far as I know.
Dean: But your real daddy has, Baby Manson.
Grace: Okay, there is no evidence at all that mass murder is genetic.
Wes: Wait. Her dad is Charles Manson? How do I not know this?

Wes: I was a bit of a man-slut back in the day - and it was the '90s, so nobody wore condoms.
Dean: Trust me.

Wes: You know how at the beginning of the year, I was always secretly following you so I could just keep an eye on you, make sure you were safe?
[under her breath]
Zayday: Hashtag stalker.

[Wes's class watches Children of the Corn]
Wes: What could be scarier for an adult than a child coming to murder them? Isn't that all of our greatest fears that the pain, the regrets, the mistakes of our youth will destroy us in our adulthood? That we can't escape our inner child, one we would rather forget but who at the end of the day has all the power?

Dean: Do you mean to suggest I changed out of my nightgown, strapped myself into a skin-tight pleather Red Devil costume, climbed out a second-story dormer and shimmied to the ground with a chainsaw before entering a window I had left open, tried to kill you, then leapt out the window, climbed back up the wall, changed back in my nightgown and raced downstairs, all in the course of about ninety seconds?
Wes: Yes, that is exactly what we mean to suggest, Dean!

Grace: You can't protect me from who I really am. I am my mother's daughter, Dad.
Wes: What does that mean?
Grace: It means I would stay far away from me if you want to protect yourself.

Wes: Cathy, that was the best sex of my life! I'm not joking.
Dean: Well, uh... Seeing as you remained celibate for a full 18 years and then decided to re-pop your cherry with the most mentally ill woman on campus, I'm gonna take that with a grain of salt.

Grace: So our house never burned down?
Wes: No, that was true. I burned it down to cover up any evidence you might find. Gracie, don't you see now, how important you are to me? I committed arson! For you. To protect you. And don't you see now, huh, why I didn't want you to join that sorority? You are the best of both me and your mom and that place was the worst of her.

Wes: I never knew sex could be like that. I mean, at first I was like, "Wow, she's being really loud. Are the neighbors gonna call the police?" And then I was like, "Wow, now I'm being really loud! Why am I screaming so much? They're definitely gonna call the police!" And then I just stunned at how flexible you are. I thought you had to be a gymnast to get both feet behind your head.

Dean: I understand you're a widower.
Wes: That's right.
Dean: I'm so sorry. And I want you.
Wes: What?
Dean: To understand that I'm here for both your daughter and you.

Grace: How come we never talk about mom? You told me that she went to this school and that she joined Kappa and that she died when I was two and not much else.
Wes: It's hard for me to talk about it sometimes. I miss her a lot.
Grace: It's pretty convenient... that she died in a fire. All of her stuff got burned, any record of her, my birth certificate.
Wes: What are you talking about?
Grace: Why are you lying to me? Something does not make sense! Why did this all start happening as soon as I got to campus? Why am I the only person in Kappa without a mother?
Wes: Shhhh. Hey honey, you've gotta give me more here, okay? I don't understand what you're getting at. Are you on bath salts?

Wes: Look, I was so bombed at that party. I mean, I remember I puked while I was making out with some girl.

Wes: Please don't join a sorority. The girls are vicious! Okay, I know you think sororities are some kind of, like, magical sisterhoods, but it's actually Game of Thrones once you pull back the veneer.

Dean: Let's just say, worst case scenario, that there is a crazed serial killer on the loose, a cannibal who skins his victims and sells them as food.
Wes: Whaaa- What?

Wes: We've all been traumatized. And what we do with the hurt from that trauma defines who we are. Do we look inward and heal or do we take that hurt and turn it into anger and take it out on the world?

Wes: When I was your age, I was thoughtless about sex - so thoughtless that I fathered twins with a girl whose name I can't remember and those twins grew up to murder a bunch of people. Now I know that that might seem like an extreme consequence of teen sex but the lesson remains the same. Honey, if you don't think you're ready, you probably aren't, and if you aren't, well then no good can come from doin' it anyway.

Grace: Am I the baby that was born in Kappa that night? Did mom die in that bathtub?
Wes: What? No, you were born in a hospital. I was there, I saw you come out of your mother... Big mistake, by the way!