Top 50 Quotes From Rodney Trotter

Del: [Rodney realises that Del is behind him] You little plonker!
Rodney: What are you doing 'ere?
Del: What Am I doing 'ere? What are you doing 'ere?
Rodney: Well this where Debbie lives, innit! I mean... oi... you're not to pull her?
Del: No Am I not! I'm a friend of 'ere mums, that's all.
Rodney: Yeah? When 'da meet 'er then?
Del: Lets see it was... 1964
Rodney: [puzzled] Wha'? You only just came 'round to see 'er?
Del: No! No, I was engaged to 'er, soppy!
Rodney: [suprised] Another one? Stone me Del, you've been engaged more times than a switchboard .
Del: You little...
[pointing to LP]
Del: 'Ere I dunno why you brought that over 'cause they ain't got a record player.
Rodney: That's alright,
[bends record cover]
Rodney: I ain't got a record.

Rodney: For the past 2 weeks or so, I've been taking stock on my life. Who I am? What I am? And where I'm going?
Derek: And that's taken you a fortnight? I could've answered all them questions for you. Could've answered them all during the commercial break.
Rodney: Will you shut up for one minute. I am 24 years old. I have two GCE's, 13 years of schooling and 3 terms at an adult education centre behind me right? And with all that, what have I become? I'm a lookout.
Derek: No Rodney you're wrong, you're not just a lookout. YOU'RE A BAD LOOKOUT!
Rodney: Alright. Alright so I'm not very good at it. Perhaps that's cause my heart's not really in it.
Derek: I'm not asking you to put your heart into it, just your eyes'll do.

Rodney: This is all a bit sick, isn't it, bruv? You might fool these three, but not me.
Derek: What are you on about, Rodney?
Rodney: Oh, come off it, Del. Two Pina Coladas, then you'll put on your Eric Clapton LP and be up and jiving, won't you?
Derek: I don't believe this! I don't believe what he's doing to me! He's torn my world in half and now he's having a pop at me!
Uncle: You're right out of order, son.
Rodney: Oh, listen to me. Hospitals do not send home paralysed people by bus. What it is you're after, Del? Sympathy from Lisa? Or a disabled sticker for the van?
Derek: [jumps out of his wheelchair and grabs Rodney by the lapels] Now, you listen to me you vicious little git! I may never walk again for the rest of my...
[realizes that he's standing up]
Derek: Though I must admit, I'm getting some feeling back.
Uncle: You should never tell them sort of lies, Del!
Derek: Well, don't blame me! It was him, I just wanted to get my own back on this plonker.
Trigger: Yeah, but when you fancied a smoke on the bus, you made me carry you up to the top deck!

Derek: [Opening the briefcase with all the gold chains] Jeez.
Rodney: What'd you do? Mug Mr T?

Rodney: Er... well... I'm a good salesman.
Del: Do me a favor, Rodney! You couldn't flog a black cat to a witch!

Sid: This group do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.
Rodney: Why?

Rodney: [they've just bought boxes of dolls and Rodney is reading the item description] Del, these dolls aren't called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
Del: You can't get dolls with names like that.
Rodney: You can if you go to the right shops, Del!

Del: Are you saying I'm stupid?
Rodney: Either that or it's the Chinese year of the dodo.

[Rodney shows Cassandra the picture of the 1960 Jolly Boys Outing]
Cassandra: There's you.
[realisation hits her]
Rodney: Yeah, there's me. July 1960. Before I was born.
Cassandra: Who is it?
Rodney: He's my father.
Cassandra: But your father...
Rodney: My REAL father, Cass. My biological old man.

Derek: Boycie did a little bit of a stretch when he was younger you know.
Rodney: Oh yeah! What for?
Boycie: Perjury, embezzlement, conspiring to pervert the course of justice, the fraudulent conversion of travellers cheques and attempting to bribe the Mayor of Lambeth! See, it's any little thing with these adoption people!
Marlene: Leave it out Boycie, with your record I'm surprised we're allowed to keep a dog!

Rodney: I don't think I'll ever laugh again.
Uncle: Well, as long as yer 'appy, son.

Rodney: You mean you were gun running in the middle of a civil war?
Grandad: Well, that's the best time to do it, Rodney. Supply and demand.

[about making a film called "There's a Rhino loose in the city"]
Del: It's a love story and a who done it!
Rodney: Everyone knows who done it! There's 30 dead people with Rhino tramps all over them, there's a lock up with 2 foot pile of Rhino dung and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!

Derek: Just before Mum fell for you she met this, like, new friend. He was the trumpet player from the Locarno.
Grandad: And a saxophone player.
Derek: Yes, alright Grandad, alright.
Rodney: Are you trying to tell me that my dad... was a band?
Derek: No Rodney, no, just the brass section.
Rodney: No, I don't believe you. No, the way you've always described Mum she'd never do anything like that.
Derek: No, she wouldn't normally. This must've been, like, a one-off.
Rodney: Great. Well I can't wait to fill in my next passport application form. Mother's name - Joan Mavis Trotter. Father's name - Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

Rodney: You're gonna sell 'em models of a Roman statue, now housed in the Louvre gallery in Paris, for souvenirs of old London? It's the Venus De Milo, Del!
Derek: No, that is Boudicea, that is, innit? Eh?
Rodney: Boudicea rode around in a chariot with big swords sticking out the wheels.
Derek: All right, so she fell off her chariot!

Rodney: I could do with another blanket here, I'm freezing.
Del: Yeah it is a bit cold.
Uncle: Cold? You bits of kids don't know the meaning of the word. You should have been with me on the Russian convoys. One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.

Rodney: Well I'm going to say I'm on hunger strike. Some kind of humanitarian grounds.
Derek: Oh leave it out will you, leave it out. I remember the last time that you went on hunger strike, over a protest about the American cruise missiles being based in Britain. You said that you were going to starve yourself until all the missiles were removed.
Rodney: So?
Derek: So? So that was 8 months ago. The missiles are still here. What is more to the point Rodney so are you. You went one & a half days on hunger strike & you sent out for a curry.
Rodney: Well I was starving.
Derek: Well that's the idea of it you plonker.

Rodney: Del... look, don't get me wrong. I'm... I'm grateful.
Del: I don't want your gratitude. Ungrateful little git!

Rodney: [after getting his old job back at Trotters Independent Traders] What will be my title?
Del: We'll call you Lord Rodney!
Rodney: I meant company title!

Grandad: [Rodney is furious after finding out the paint used on a decorating job was hooky] Tunnels?
Del: What?
Rodney: No, he said that.
Grandad: Trigger said this was for painting signs used in tunnels. Well, how can you see a sign in a tunnel? It's dark, innit?
Trigger: No, it's alright, this is luminous paint.
Del: Exactly, Grandad, it's luminous paint and that means you can see in the - LUMINOUS?

Rodney: [referring to a pile of broken lawnmower engines] Oi, Del... me and Mickey might have a problem getting these back to our depot. We come down on the Green Line, see?
Del: Right, well, your best bet would be to hire an open-backed truck.
Rodney: Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what we thought, but... we were wondering if you could take a couple in the back of the van.
Del: Back of my van? You must be joking. I've only just cleared 'em out of the van!
Rodney: You mean you were selling 'em in the first place?
Del: Yeah. That is the rubbish that Alfie Flowers sold me last week. Normally I'd never have bought it but, you know, he caught me when I was a bit non compost mentis down the one-eleven club. I never thought I'd get shot of 'em, Rodney, but you know me; he who dares wins. I actually made quite a tidy little profit on it and all.
Rodney: And what are we supposed to do with them?
Del: Well, why don't you do what I did? Find yourselves a couple of right little plonkers with cash on the hip.

Uncle: Your name Rodney, son?
Rodney: Well, it is when Trigger's not about!

Rodney: [after he and Mickey Pearce have bought a heap of broken lawnmower engines] Oi, you! This stuff is a load of rubbish!
Del: I know. I did try to warn you.
Rodney: Well... yeah... but I thought ...
Del: Yeah, well, the trouble with you, Rodney, is that you will insist on thinking!

Rodney: Oi, Del, why'd they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun or something?
Del: Na, it's coz he looks like an horse.

Rodney: They'll just deport him again.
Del: Just deport him? You're joking of course! They've just held the World Cup here, haven't they? They've got half of Manchester and Glasgow to get rid of first! By the time we get him back he'll be eating paella and calling us Gringo's!

Uncle: You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.
Rodney: Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself Albert?
Uncle: When I was your age I was fighting in the war.
Rodney: Well then you must have made more bloody noise than me then!

Del: There is nothing wrong with me. I just got normal pains.
Uncle: When you came in tonight you flopped straight down that chair in agony.
Del: You don't understand unc' that is PMA.
Rodney: I thought only woman got that!
Del: No Rodney that is PMP.
Del: PMA is Positive Mental Attitude.
Del: It's the new buzz word, what all us yuppies get.

Rodney: Where's my pork scratchings?

Grandad: Who's Brenda & Terry?
Derek: Eh?
Grandad: Who's Brenda & Terry?
Derek: Who's Brenda & Terry?
Grandad: Yeah.
Derek: Who's Brenda & Terry Rodney?
Rodney: Well I don't know.
Derek: What are you going on about you old div?
Grandad: Well we got a Christmas card from them. It said "Love from Brenda & Terry & the kids, Shirley, Shane & Shaun"
Rodney: Yeah, yeah that was from Brenda & Terry?
Grandad: I know. Who is Brenda & Terry?
Derek: Shirley, Shane & Shaun's mum & dad innit?
Grandad: Oh. Did we send them one back?
Rodney: Well how can we send them one back? We don't know who they are, let alone where they live.

Derek: This time next year we'll be millionaires.
Rodney: *Angrily*This time last week we were millionaires.

Del: Don't worry, Rodney. This time next year, we'll be millionaires!
Rodney: This time last WEEK we were millionaires!

Uncle: Is that the radio I hear, Rodney?
Rodney: No, Elton John popped in and he's rehearsing in the kitchen!

Del: [talking about one of Del's mates] That bloke's come on a bundle in the last few years. That man is at the front of new technological frontiers. He's got a Queen's Award for industry plaque and all.
Rodney: I know. I was there when you sold it to him.

Rodney: [last lines of the episode; the Trotters have just discovered that Del unknowingly painted their mother's gravestone with luminous paint] Do you realise that our mum's grave is going to become a beacon for every Satanist and acid-head in England? There's gonna be white witches dancing around that on a full moon. There's gonna be chicken's blood everywhere!
Grandad: What worries me is that it's on the main flight path to Heathrow.
Del: I wish you two could see yourselves. Here's mum and her monument, the third coat's hardly dry, and you're already quivering in your shoes. Well, I'll tell you this much. I don't regret that I did it. And I will not bow my head to any snotty-nosed town hall clerks and their narrow-minded rules. I shall look them straight in the face, and say that I am the man who's responsible, and that I'm proud of it!
[takes another look at the grave, then has second thoughts]
Del: We'll put it down to vandals. Let's get out of here before we get our collars felt.

Del: Now look Rodney, Raquel, Raquel is a lady and when a lady is ready to... well, when she's ready to, she will let me know.
Rodney: How?
Del: Well, she'll give me a sign or something.
Rodney: Like what?
Del: [thinks] I dunno.
Rodney: Maybe she'll put an announcement in the Sunday Sport.

Derek: I'll take them over to North London, show them where Jack The Ripper was buried.
Rodney: Nobody knows where Jack The Ripper was buried.
Derek: They can't prove me wrong then, can they? Eh?

Del: [after getting off a plane in Spain for winning a contest that is not all that legit] Well, before we get checked in I have gotta tell you something Rodney. This contest isn't quite as pucker as I made it out to be.
Cassandra: Well he did win didn't he?
Rodney: [looking at the other winners] That's strange that is.
Del: What is?
Rodney: Well I noticed it on the plane but it didn't quite register. Their all Mum's and Dad's. They have brought their kids with them.
Del: It's not the parents who are the winners Rodder's... it's the kids. You see Rodney's painting won... in the under 15 years old category.
Cassandra: So they think Rodney's 15?
Del: Nah! No, No, No. They think your 14!

Grandad: Well you've got to give them the benefit of the doubt Del-Boy.
Rodney: Yes. Thank you Grandad. At least somebody understands.
Grandad: I mean they are difficult to spot, what with their size 18 boots and their pointed heads.
Rodney: Why don't you shut your mouth you sarky old goat.

Rodney: [Del has had a hang-gliding accident and is in a wheelchair surrounded by sympathetic well-wishers] Oh, listen to me for one minute, will you? Hospitals do not send home paralysed people by bus!
Del: [lunging to his feet and seizing Rodney around the neck] You listen to me, you little git! I may never walk again! I may...
[realises]
Del: Though I must admit I'm getting some feeling back.

Derek: By the way, how are we doing?
Rodney: [checking his watch] We died 45 seconds ago.

Michelle: What do you prefer? Astroturf or grass?
Rodney: Don't know. I've never smoked astroturf.

Mike: [Del and Rodney are trying to sell Mike a computer] What exactly does that mean?
Del: Well it means you can... you can... tell him what it means, Rodney.
[to Mike]
Del: He's taken a course in this, he came top of his class.
Rodney: Well, in 'layman's' terms it means you can, em, well, you er, you can record all your business deals.
Mike: I spend half my life trying to hide my business deals. So the last thing I want is to have 'em all recorded on a floppy bloody disc! I'm not interested. Ask Trigger.
Rodney: Trigger? With a computer? Do me a favour, he's still struggling with light switches!

Del: The French have a word for people like me.
Rodney: Yeah, the English have got a couple of good 'uns an' all!

Rodney: [sees Don, thinking he's Del] You git!
[approaches Don menacingly]
Rodney: You rotten, lying, conniving git!

Derek: I remember what Mum said on her death bed. She said to me: "Del," she said, "please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can. Never, Del, never hold him back."
Rodney: She didn't half say a lot on her death bed, didn't she?
Derek: What?
Rodney: Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed. She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting!
Derek: You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney!
Rodney: No, hang on! Right, you remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down the chippy, yeah? And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed: "Send Rodney for the fish!"
Derek: Yeah well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?

Rodney: Cos-mic.

Rodney: What's wrong with going out with a woman of 40?
Derek: Nothing. Nothing at all, if you happen to be 50! Blimey, she's even too old for me!
Grandad: Well I'D have to think twice!

Del: Didn't granddad tell you that I telephoned?
Rodney: Oh yeah he told me. "Del-Boy's been captured by the Indians" he said. I didn't know whether to phone the police or the Texas Rangers.

Rodney: Come on, Del, let's have it. Just how do you see our respective roles in this partnership?
Del: I see it as a combination of my business acumen and salesmanship, and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van. Badly. Or did you see yourself in a different position?
Rodney: Well, yes I did, actually! With my qualifications and experience, I saw myself more in the role of a financial advisor!
Del: Financial advisor? Listen to this, Grandad. This morning, I had just clinched a deal to buy twenty five briefcases for £175, when my 'financial advisor' leapt in and advised me to pay £200 for 'em! And having done that, he then advised me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! I mean, with financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' recession?

Del: [Del and Rodney are sitting on a bench near their mother's grave] It's quiet here.
Rodney: [half asleep, not really listening] Yeah...
Del: Peaceful.
Rodney: Yeah...
Del: You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese takeaway tomorrow.
Rodney: Yeah...
Del: The sun is shining, the birds are singing...
Rodney: [waking up somewhat] What was that?
Del: The sun is shining and the birds are singing?
Rodney: No, before that.
Del: Everything's quiet and peaceful?
Rodney: No, Del, in between everything being quiet and peaceful and the sun shining and the birds singing, you mentioned something about a Chinese takeaway!