The Best Roger Peralta Quotes

Roger: Peralta fathers do not get along with sons.
Jake: What? That's not true. I mean, look at us. We're doing better than ever. This year, you even remembered my birthday month.
Roger: Things are good now, but honestly, it's probably just a blip.
Jake: Well, that's fun to hear.
Roger: Well, that's just the way it is. It's the family curse. I haven't talked to my father since you were 10. His dad abandoned him at the World's Fair. His dad fled to America after drowning his dad in a well.

Roger: We're not meant to have sons. There's a demon in our genes.
Jake: Title of your sex tape.
Roger: No, the title of my sex tape is "Cockpit Larry and the Mile High Stewardae."
Jake: What?
Roger: "Stewardae." It's plural for stewardess.

Walter: [Reminiscing on his favorite memory with his son] While we were playing, the neighbor kid fell off his bike.
Roger: Yeah, he broke his arm.
Walter: You could see the bone.
Roger: [laughs] Do you remember when we went skiing, and the guy fell off the lift and busted his leg?
Walter: And you could see the bone.
Roger: It was just, like, sticking right out of the skin, and he's, like, screaming. We were laughing.
Walter: Oh, oh, it was beautiful.
Roger: God, I hope somebody found him.
Jake: Okay, well, you guys are both monsters, but this is going great.

Jake: Look, I know you don't like him, but can you at least try to be nice for me?
Roger: Okay. I'll be nice.
[later]
Roger: I wish you were dead, you lousy son of a bitch!
Jake: You said you were gonna be nice.
Roger: I lied so I could say the "son of a bitch" thing.

Jake: So John McClain's advice wasn't great, but I have other books. This one says to make sure neither of you has a full diaper. Feels like we can skip that part.
Roger: I wouldn't be so sure.

Roger: Aunt Millie?
Walter: Dead.
Roger: Uncle Thomas?
Walter: Dead.
Roger: Aunt Janet?
Walter: Dead.
Roger: Uncle Dean?
Walter: Gay.
Roger: Ooh, good for him. What about Aunt Lyn?
Walter: Dead.
Walter: [to Amy, on the phone] Apparently there was a fire at the family reunion. Lucky for my Uncle Dean, he was not welcome at the event.

Roger: Your grandson would like us to make peace. So, do you apologize for being the worst father in the history in the world? Even worse than fathers who chain their children in basements?
Walter: I do not.
Roger: That's on him. I tried.
Jake: I really don't think you did.

Roger: You're so excited about having a kid, you're having a sex reveal party. I never did anything like that, except that one time in Amsterdam.
Jake: I really wish you'd stop bringing that up.

Jake: Now, we can't see the cake before Amy, which means we have to figure out a way to clean it up without looking at it.
[gasps]
Jake: We have to "Birdbox" it.
Walter: And "Birdbox" is the bakery.
Jake: No, "Birdbox" is a movie where people aren't allowed to look at things. Just put on these blindfolds and help me clean it up.
Roger: I "Birdbox-ed" the stewardess in Sweden once.

Roger: Growing up, he had a boat. Meant everything to him. He named it "Walter," after himself.
Walter: She was the child I never had.
Roger: I was the child you did have! Anyway, one day I took Walter Junior out for a spin. I was trying to impress one of the lake girls. Before I met your mom, I was a bit of a ladies' man.
Jake: Yes, that continued long after you met my mom.

Roger: Aw, Jake. I am excited that you're having a kid.
Jake: Thank you, Dad. Oh, and hey, if you're free next Friday, we're having a sex reveal party.
Roger: Well, I went to one of those in Amsterdam. I would not invite relatives.