50 Best Terry Jeffords Quotes

Terry: Great seminar, sad it's over, but it is, so see ya.
Brad: Actually, I have good news. State law requires that this seminar be no less than six hours, so I guess we'll spend the next two hours diving into specific conflicts about this workplace and solving them.
Amy: [Shocked] But we beat you. We beat you with study.

Terry: [to Captain Holt] I don't want your help anymore! I'm not a garbage man! I'm a muffin man!

Terry: Oh, you must be feeling better. You're heating up your favorite meal; beans.
Raymond: They're refried. It's bad enough they were cooked once, let alone twice, and now the toaster oven makes it three times. I couldn't be crying for help any louder.

Raymond: Lieutenant, as you know, I've been walking the same beat for the past three weeks. It's become a bit tedious.
Terry: I thought you loved tedium.
Raymond: I love monotony. They're very different.

Terry: I read to him every night.
Captain: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Terry: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain: Ye gods, are you reading him Dickens?

Terry: Hey, Santiago, it's time to head out.
Amy: Actually, I'm not leaving. I'm gonna stay for the games.
Jake: Ohh, look who's coming around already. We're gonna have fun.
Amy: No, this isn't fun. A voluntary administration workshop is fun.
Terry: Yeah, I hear it ends with a six page self-assessment.
Amy: Oh, come on, Terry! You don't have to rub it in!

Captain: I'm having some trouble with my speech. All I've got so far is a poem.
Terry: Ooh, a poem. Sounds romantic.
Captain: [Reads] "Marriage is a contract between two adults of different families."
[Terry gives him a look]
Captain: It's a haiku... and a fact. It works on two levels.

Terry: [wearing placard that reads: Angry Prostitute]
[shouts]
Terry: Oh, you got it. Oh, I know you got it. I *want* *my* *money*!

Terry: Singing: Casecation all I ever wanted. Casecation had to get away. The vibe in here is really weird.

Terry: Charles, this Boyle bone broth is incredible. I'm not sore at all anymore.
Charles: I told you it works. The Boyles used to drink it during potato digging season to keep everyone healthy in the furrows.
Terry: You know, I bet we could sell this stuff.
Charles: You really think so?
[gasps]
Charles: We can call our company "The Bone Boys." No! "More Bone, Less Moan." No! "Workplace Bone Buds." That's the one. I'm registering it.

Terry: [disgusted] What's in these?
Amy: Potatoes, butter, a little milk. Oh, and I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.
Terry: Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders! Of course they're interchangeable!
Amy: [seriously, not understanding Terry's problem] Yeah.

Raymond: Wait, Wuntch is dead?
Terry: Yeah. The Commissioner's office just notified us.
Raymond: No way that's true. As Wuntch says when she sees deodorant, "I'm not buying it."

Terry: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Raymond: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."

Terry: You drank a soda? Not sure that's the worst thing in the world.
Captain: It was the worst thing in the world. Worse than a fruit-forward Riesling. No, I'm not exaggerating.

Terry: I called my friend at the lab. He's gonna take the guinea pigs. They're not gonna do any chemical tests on them. They're just gonna teach them how to run mazes.
Charles: Really? I want you to look Claire 38 in the eye, and tell her that...
Terry: [Without hesitation] I'm sending you to a lab, Claire. Bye.

Terry: Santiago and I are going to an administration workshop for the NYPD.
Amy: And it's voluntary, so only the cool kids are gonna be there.
Jake: I love you so much.

Jake: Ever since I brought these tickets up, you guys have made my life absolutely miserable, but that ends now, because I've made a choice.
Terry: Cagney is sick. We don't know how long she has.
Charles: We do know for Nikolaj. It's 36 hours.

Terry: When I got stopped the other day, I wasn't a cop. I wasn't a guy in the neighborhood looking for his daughter's toy. I was a black man - a dangerous black man. That's all he could see: a threat. And I couldn't stop thinking about my daughters - and their future - and how years from now, they could be walking down the street, looking for their kid's Moo Moo, and get stopped by a bad cop. And they probably won't get to play the police card to get out of trouble. I don't like that thought.

Terry: If Diaz won't accept our help, we got to go behind her back.
Gina: We definitely should go behind her back. That's the opposite side of where the germs are coming from.

Jake: I'll have you know that a dog's butt is cleaner than a human's mouth.
Terry: That can't be true.
Jake: Well, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth, and dog mouths lick dog butts, so you tell me where my theory is wrong.

Terry: [about his plan to win over Amy's dad] Wow, you are really pulling this off.
Jake: I know, all this research is actually gonna work. Should I prepare for things all the time?
Terry: Yeah.
Jake: [Doesn't pay him any attention] Nah, that's crazy.

Gina: Hey Terry, got any new baby pics?
Terry: You hate looking at pictures of my twins. You said that since they were identical, I didn't need to take pictures of both.

Raymond: Shall we have a read-off, Santiago?
Amy: We don't have finger guards.
Raymond: So we do it raw.
Terry: Okay, I normally don't encourage such childish competitions, but this might help things go faster. My only question is, Holt, are you sure your old ass eyes are up to the challenge?
Raymond: I know you're just trying to motivate me, but these old ass eyes will be reading your tombstone, son.

Rosa: Look, this isn't Cagney calling Lacey a poopy-head. I can't just give him a time-out.
Terry: Time-out? Are you serious? Poopy-head means no Doc McStuffins for a week! Terry hates bathroom talk.

Officer: We may be arguing, but we're all thinking the same thing: Terry talks about his children too much.
Lieutenant: Do I really? You all think that?
Officer: Keep a lid on the box, Pandora. You won't like what's inside.

Raymond: I actually took a speed reading course. I tested at 800 WPM.
Amy: That's pathetic. I tested at 802.
Terry: That's pretty close to Holt's score.
Raymond: No, no, 802's incredible. She pwned me. I read the entire Urban Dictionary so I could converse with the other uniformed officers. Finished it in 47 minutes.
Amy: I've never been so attracted to a gay man before, and I dated several in college.

Gina: Nana made me the intelligent, sensuous woman I am today.
Terry: Weird way to describe a grandma's influence on you.

Jake: [Looks around the bullpen, sees some big water bottles and starts formulating an idea] Bottles. Boyle. Bullpen.
Terry: What are you...
Jake: Uh-buh-buh. Bottles, Boyle, bullpen.
[Beat]
Jake: Bowling.
[Cut to Boyle, strapped on a chair, ready to act as a human bowling ball]
Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: [Boyle knocks over all the water bottles] Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly: Babushka!
Jake: [Beat] Babushka!

Rosa: [to a teen selling candy in the precinct] All right. I'll buy ONE. Now, go sell your candy to everyone else, stupid.
Terry: Hey, hey, hey. You can't call kids 'stupid'. What if he's really stupid?

Doug: [to Jake] You trying to get your freak on with my sister?
Jake: What? No!
Doug: I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Jake: I am *not* looking at Trudy Judy's booty!
Doug: Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't be snooty.
Jake: She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.
Terry: And you're married.
Jake: Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

Terry: My girls are on the wait list for their preschool and it's twice as tough to get in with twins.
Rosa: Why don't you just get one of them in and then let them take turns going to school every other day?
Terry: Diaz, that's crazy.
[pause]
Terry: I asked my wife and she said no.

Jake: I did realize something. The only thing that matters to Gina is work.
Terry: You don't say? Where have I heard that before?
Jake: I don't know, Terry. I don't have time for your weird memory lapse.
Terry: I said it last night.
Jake: Well, I wish you would've said it to me.

Terry: I've been through this before. In college, I had a football buddy, Bryant Ungerbert...
Jake: Oh, and lemme guess. You guys were best friends, then he got drafted into the NFL, and now you never talk.
Terry: No, he got drafted into the Canadian football league, became a long snapper for Ottawa, and even that level of success ruined our friendship.
Jake: He's still playing? How is that possible? You're 35 to 60 years old.
Terry: It's Canada. They don't tackle as hard. Anyway, his career became the only thing that mattered. He was off doing photo shoots, commercials, speaking at long snapping conventions...
Jake: Is that a thing?
Terry: In Canada, it's like the Oscars.

Terry: You're a genius!
Gina: Well, I'd love to take credit, but the truth is life just isn't that hard.

Captain: [Terry has just fixed a copy machine] *It works!* I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.
Terry: I mean, I've solved a lot of cases for you.
Captain: And yet crime has continued.

Terry: Oh, also, she's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle, so she wants us to take it out once a day.
[Tosses Captain Holt the keys]
Terry: Here.
Captain: I think you should do this. You're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
Terry: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?
Terry: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain: [Blank tone, expressionless] Yas, queen.
[Snaps fingers]

Detective: [about the lie detector] I'm telling you, this machine is broken. Ask me a question.
Sergeant: Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?
Detective: Yes, obviously.
Abel: Lie.
Detective: See? It's busted!
Sergeant: Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
Detective: [sighs] No.
Abel: Lie.
Detective: Alright, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.
Sergeant: *She makes all of us feel things!*

Rosa: You're looking for Captain Holt's manual aren't you?
Terry: Please, Diaz. Top Dog Terry does not need to look for Captain Holt's manual. He knows it's on his computer. Top Dog Terry was looking for the password.
Rosa: Why don't you just make your own decision?
Terry: I did that and I'm very proud of it. I just want to make sure Captain Holt would make the same decision, so I can be proud of him too.

Raymond: Welcome to the lake house!
Terry: Where's the lake? I didn't see it on the way in.
Raymond: That's because there's no lake up here.
Terry: But you said it was a lake house.
Raymond: No, we called it "The" Lake House. It was once owned by Krisopp Lake, the scholar of textual criticism who wrote, "Dated Greek Manuscripts To the Year 1200."
Jake: Yeah, Terry. It's obviously named after Kirsopp Lake. No one else was confused about that.

Terry: [while driving through the woods] What is that small?
Jake: That is the absence of urine. You gotta leave Brooklyn to get that.

Terry: [to Charles and Rosa] What were you thinking, breeding guinea pigs at work?
Charles: We weren't breeding them on purpose, they're just very sexual creatures and we didn't wanna slut shame them.
Rosa: Yeah, sorry you're not more sex positive, Terry.

Terry: Hey, Staten Island is great. It's got parks, loads of bike paths, tons of up and coming restaurants... I mean, easy access to New Jersey.
Amy: You're lying. Your right pec is popping all over the place. We all know that's your tell.
Terry: Of course I'm lying. It's Staten Island. The precinct is the One-Two-Two. How the hell am I supposed to chant One-Two-Two? One-Two-Two! One-Two-Two! I sound like a damn choo-choo train!

Terry: Look, I wasn't hiding. I was doing my work. Hitchcock and Scully were with me.
Jake: Were they, or perhaps were they distracted by your brilliant pizza ruse?
Scully: Totally distracted. I ate two whole pies. Folded 'em up like tacos.

Jake: All right, full disclosure. I was trying to do that Bible thing and then one of you was gonna take the high road and say that rather than see the tickets destroyed, you would just bow out, and then that person was gonna get the tickets.
Terry: Nope. If I don't get them, no one does.
Charles: Agreed. Boyles or bust.
Terry: Cut them up.
Jake: I'm not gonna do that. I'm just gonna have to think of another way to figure this out. Stupid Bible with stupid lessons never solved crap!

Terry: I designed the first part of the heist to be a scavenger hunt through memorable moments from the last eight years. It's a trip down memory lane.
Scully: Not a problem. I have the memory of a... the thing with the big nose and ears.
Charles: Prince Charles.
Jake: No.

Captain: Fine, I guess I'll just stop the party.
Terry: I didn't realize it ever started.

Neil: Gina, why did you want to take astronomy?
Gina: Because I thought it would be cool, just me sitting around naming moons left and right, like Zorp, Bong, Dingo. Etcetera. That would be one of the names, Etcetera.
Terry: She's gonna fail, isn't she?
Neil: Big time.
Terry: Yeah.

Terry: I haven't done cardio in twenty years, how hard can it be?
[starts running]
Terry: It's immediately awful!

Terry: Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which is why we have to keep working the case. There has to be some way to exonerate them.
Amy: I've been looking, but I can't find anything - and I don't know what to do.
Jake: "I can't find anything and I don't know what to do": title of your sex tape.

Raymond: When we originally wed, we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal, so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony. Kevin has always regretted it, so we're having a vow renewal ceremony. This time, we're pulling out all the stops. It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
Charles: Oh, how extravagant are we talking? Champagne pyramid?
Terry: Destination wedding?
Jake: Celebrity officiant?
Raymond: We got the salad forks! Can you believe it, a second fork? Who do we think we are?
[Everyone is left speechless]
Raymond: Oh no, you're shocked at how garish it is. Now I don't even want to tell you the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
Jake: Wait, let me guess -- you're getting bread plates?
Raymond: Don't be absurd; we're not crazy. No, the big surprise is I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Terry: Wait...
Charles: What?
Jake: Why did you lead with the salad forks?