Top 30 Quotes From Sue Johnston

Denise: Shall we go down The Feathers for the last hour?
Dave: No, I'm knackered.
Denise: OK. I'm not bothered anyway--we can always stay in and watch the telly.
Dave: Is there owt on?
Denise: No.
Dave: Well, we may as well go down the Feathers then.
Denise: You were too knackered to go a minute ago!
Barbara: Oh, let him go for a drink if that's what he wants!
Denise: I just asked him! He said he was too knackered to go!
Dave: Do you wanna go or what?
Denise: I wanted to go in the first place. I'm not going now anyway--you've annoyed me.

Jim: [as they prepare to go to The Feathers to celebrate Jim's birthday] Get your coat on, Barb.
Barbara: [surprised] Taking me with you?
Jim: No, I'm going to turn the fire off
[chuckles]
Jim: Of course I'm taking you. I wouldn't leave you here on me birthday, would I?... Better bring your purse.
Barbara: [mutters under her breath] Bastard.

Denise: Dad! Your flies are undone!
Jim: Ah, the cage might be open, but the beast is asleep.
Barbara: Beast, my arse!

Norma: [to Barbara] I'll tell you who is in hospital. Gwen's husband.
Barbara: Ohh. What's he having done?
Norma: He's having something fitted.
Jim: What? A wardrobe?
[chuckles to himself]

Miss: [to Spratt with threat of revealing his family's criminal history] You'd better figure out what to say unless you want to find yourself sewing mailbags.

Denise: [to Dave] Every time you do a gig round here, that cow is there!
Jim: What's going on now?
Barbara: Oh, they're arguing about Beverly Macca.
Jim: She's all right, Beverly. She's a tasty little piece.

Barbara: Give us a go of that new lippy, Denise. It's a lovely colour, innit? You know I can't usually wear red, it does nothing for me. Can't wear red, can I, Jim?
Jim: No, that's what's held you back all these years.
Barbara: D'ya know I am looking my age, it's these last few months it's crept up on me. Mind you it could be worse, at least I've still got me schoolgirl figure.
Jim: I must clean that mirror.
Denise: Get lost, Dad, Mam's got a great figure for a woman her age.
Barbara: It's gonna be really tempting working at that baker's. I don't wanna put any weight on before the wedding, I want to get meself a really nice little suit.
Jim: Why don't you go in your school uniform, it still fits you, doesn't it?

Denise: Dad, stop fiddling with yourself.
Jim: I'm not fiddling with meself, I paid a quid for these underpants and I've got about 50 pence worth stuck up me arse.
Barbara: She's right. If you're not picking your arse, you're picking your teeth.
Jim: I'll pick what I want in me own house and when she gets her own house she can pick what she likes--her nose, her arse, her teeth. Just go and treat yourself.
Barbara: Oh, I'm ashamed of this family, I am really.

Barbara: [after finding out about Denise's pregnancy, Barbara starts pouring out champagne] /There we are Denise.
Denise: Oh hey mam, give us another one, I'm drinking for two remember

[Spratt is busy writing his magazine column when Miss Denker comes in; Spratt hastily hides what he has been working on]
Miss: What are you doing?
Spratt: [evasively] Mind your own business.
Miss: Mr Spratt. I know you resent me.
Spratt: Why would I resent you?
Miss: Because I'm interesting. Because I'm exotic. Because I'm attractive.
Spratt: Oh dear me. This is worse than I thought. Do you always have trouble distinguishing fact from fiction?

Norma: Ey, I tell you who is in hospital, Gwen's husband.
Barbara: Ooh, what's he having done?
Norma: He's having something fitted.
Jim: What--a wardrobe?

Barbara: [talking about Cheryl] Have you asked her to be bridesmaid?
Denise: Aw, yeah, aw, she was thrilled.
Jim: Bridesmaid, my arse, she'll look like a bloody Easter egg on legs.
Antony: Yeah, and the only reason you're having her as a bridesmaid is to make you look better.
Denise: Get lost, Antony!
Barbara: Is she really on a diet?
Denise: Yeah.
Barbara: D'ya think she'll ever get married?
Antony: Who'd have her?
Jim: Stevie Wonder.
Antony: [laughs] Yeah.

Antony: Who's stunk that toilet out?
Barbara: Who d'ya think?
Jim: Well, that's what it's for isn't it? Where d'you expect me to shit? You'd soon have something to worry about if I crapped in the kitchen.

Denise: [talking about Dave and Beverly Macca] Every time when I come out of the toilet she was round him, right, like flies, right, round shit.
[to Dave]
Denise: And you're the shit, and she? She's not even the fly because she's too fat to be the fly and she's the shit and that's what they are, they're two shovels of shit.
Barbara: You don't have to bring shit into it, love.

Mary: Michelle, I think I have one of your children in my class.
Michelle: Are you a teacher, Mary?
Mary: Yes.
Barbara: No, you're not a teacher, you're a dinnerlady!
Mary: Oh, yes.

Miss: [to Dr. Clarkson] Throwing over my Lady who's been running the village since before you were eating porridge with your mommy!

Barbara: Antony, go and put that bin out, love. That chicken will start to stink if we leave it.
Antony: Mam! I've just sat down. What about lazy-arse here?
[points to Denise]
Barbara: Hey! There's too much swearing in this house. That's you, that is, Jim. You taught them that.
Jim: Taught them, my arse!

Barbara: [about Norma] To be honest, I think she might have to stay another week.
Jim: Another bloody week? Over my dead body!
Barbara: Jim, she thinks the world of you.
Jim: Thinks the bloody world of me? You'd think when she had a family-sized bag of bloody Revels, did she offer me one? Did she shite! She sat on her big fat arse and commented on every single one that she put into her big fat gob!
Jim: [imitating Norma eating the Revels] Oo, coconut. OH oo orange! Oh Malt bloody Teasers!
Barbara: Oh? Is that it, then? We can't look after my own mother because she wouldn't share a bag of Revels? Grow up, Jim!
Jim: Me grow up! She makes me un-bloody-plug everything before we go to bed! And she's got the blanket on all night!
Barbara: If it had been your mum and dad, God rest their souls, I'd have done anything for them!
Jim: She should be in her bloody home!
Barbara: Well, she is in a home! She's in our home and that's where she's staying, with her family that loves her!
Jim: [imitates Norma again] Oo caramel, I think. Oh no, it's not caramel, I think it's er--oh it's coffee I think it's coffee! Greedy old cow!

Barbara: Get the door, will ya, Antony?
Antony: I have to do everything around here!
Jim: It's probably Snow White looking for you, Grumpy!

Norma: [talking about Dave and Denise's honeymoon] So, where is it you're going again?
Denise: Tenerife.
Norma: Ooh, that'll be gorgeous, won't it! Me and your grandad went to Blackpool for a week in a B&B. It's a Harry Ramsden's now, which is quite fitting as we met in a fish shop, It was after the town hall dance, I went there with my friend Betty.
Barbara: Oh, Betty.
Barbara: She married a joiner, moved to Leeds, he knocked her about a bit, but her home was lovely.
Mary: Do you ever hear from her, Norma?
Norma: No, I never liked her even when we were best friends.

Denise: Cheryl, you look absolutely gorgeous.
Barbara: Oh, I love the way you've done your eyes. What have you used?
Cheryl: It's Boots own Number 7.
Dave: What's on the other eye?
[Jim chuckles]

Jim: Your bloody Nana's bloody more interested in bloody Coronation bloody Street than the baby!
Barbara: Jim, how many bloodies is that?

Miss: Well, if I'm not wanted...
Spratt: When were you last wanted?
Miss: [going out the door] I shall ignore that.

Barbara: [in a discussion of homosexuals] Well, I don't care what anybody is--I don't care whether they're gay, straight or Australian. It's what they're like as a person that matters.
Jim: Aye, aye Barb, steady on there, will ya? This ain't Live Aid you know, its just my bloody birthday.
Barbara: Oh, you're a sarcastic bugger, you are, Jim!

Jim: Get your coat on, Barb.
Barbara: Are you taking me with you?
Jim: No, I'm gonna turn the fire off... of course I'm taking you. I wouldn't leave you here on me birthday, would I? Better bring your purse.
Barbara: [quietly] Ugh.

Barbara: Antony, take that chicken out to the bins, will you, love? That chicken will start to stink if we leave it out.
Antony: Mam, I've just sat down,
[points at Jim]
Antony: what about lazy-arse here?
Barbara: 'Ey! There's to much swearing in this house.
[turns to Jim]
Barbara: That's you, that is, Jim, you've taught him that!
Jim: Taught him my arse!

Barbara: [about her mother on the phone] It's shocking, really, you know--she's 82.
Jim: Why? What's happened?
Barbara: Well, she went down the Precinct and she had this voucher--and it was one day out of date and the miserable sod of a manager wouldn't let her have the money off!
Jim: How much was it worth?
Barbara: 20p.
Jim: 20p? It'll cost her more than that to ring every bugger she knows to tell!

Cheryl: What have you given me Mam? She's gone as giddy as a kipper.
Barbara: Oh, she's had a mug of Pomagne.
Cheryl: Oh, I love Pomagne.
Barbara: Oh, I'm sorry, love. There's none left. There's a can of lager going begging.
Cheryl: Oh, no thanks, Barbara, I'm dieting. Me Mam's sponsoring me.
Jim: How much do you owe her?
[chuckles]

Jim: Woah-ho, if you lot take my advice, you won't go near that lavatory for at least half an hour and whatever you do don't strike a bloody match.
Denise: Dad, we've got company.
Jim: Well, it's only Dave, he's as bloody bad.
Denise: Why do you have to announce it every time you go to the toilet?
Jim: I'm only making polite conversation, what's the do with her?
Denise: Well, we could do without it, thanks all the same.
Jim: [to Barbara] And what do you keep buying that bloody cheap toilet paper for? It's cutting my arse to ribbons.
Denise: Mam, tell him, he's doing it on purpose now.
Barbara: When I was buying the dear stuff you complained.
Jim: [taken aback] I didn't.
Barbara: You did, said you 'may as well wipe your arse on pound notes.
Jim: [Jim starts to laugh hysterically] Oh, yeah, I did, yeah, I did, yeah.

Barbara: [talking to Denise, who obviously isn't listening] Oh--you know that Donna who works with me. Well, she only works half-days - afternoons. And her mam usually picks the kids up for her; anyway--her mam's going into hospital and she won't be able to pick the kids up for her. So, Donna wants to swap to mornings, so--she has to see Pauline. So, she goes and sees Pauline and she says "Can I swap to mornings?" and she tells her, you know, about her mam going to hospital and all that. And Pauline's not having any of it--she's got herself in a right pickle. What's she going to do?
Denise: What are you on about?
Barbara: Donna!
Jim: What's the matter with her?
Barbara: Well, her mam, you see, normally picks the kids up for her in the afternoons after school--but she's going into hospital so she won't be able to. So Donna wanted to swap--Pauline won't let her. So she's stuck with someone to pick the kids up for her, ain't she?
Jim: Well, what's that got to do with you? I mean it's not your bloody problem, is it?
Barbara: I'm just telling you!
Jim: Well, don't you think I've got enough to worry about myself?
Barbara: [sighs] You've no interest in anyone but yourself, Jim.