Top 30 Quotes From Jim Royle

[On hearing that Denise is pregnant]
Jim: At least you can do something bloody properly!

Jim: Your bloody Nana's bloody more interested in bloody Coronation bloody Street than the baby!
Barbara: Jim, how many bloodies is that?

Jim: [shouts from the upstairs toilet] I can't have a shite in peace here!

Jim: Anne Robinson, my arse! Watchdog? I am watching a bloody dog!

Denise: Dad! Your flies are undone!
Jim: Ah, the cage might be open, but the beast is asleep.
Barbara: Beast, my arse!

Norma: May God forgive you, Jim Royle, for talking ill of the dead like that.
Jim: I wasn't speaking ill of the dead, I was speaking about you, the living bloody dead!

Norma: [after Dave agrees to take her home] Oh, you're a good'n. I'll leave you something nice in my will.
Dave: Hey--why wait till then? There'll be plenty of room in the back of the van when you get out--I've had my eye on that clock of yours.
Norma: Ha, ha--you cheeky begger. Hugh Scully'd give us a few bob for that.
Denise: Will you stop talking about Nana dying?
Jim: Yeah! Have a little bit of respect--wait till she's gone out of the door.
[laughs]
Jim: Oh, I'm only joking, Norma--bloody hell, it'll be a sad day in this house when you snuff it... if we don't get that clock.
Barbara: Oh--he hasn't got a heart, Mam--he's got a swinging brick.

Jim: I'm going for a tom tit.

Barbara: Antony, go and put that bin out, love. That chicken will start to stink if we leave it.
Antony: Mam! I've just sat down. What about lazy-arse here?
[points to Denise]
Barbara: Hey! There's too much swearing in this house. That's you, that is, Jim. You taught them that.
Jim: Taught them, my arse!

Jim: Antony, if that's the invisible man, tell him I can't see him.

Dave: 'Ey, I'm rough today, me, me guts are well off, I had a bad pint last night.
Jim: I bet you washed them down with a few more, though, didn't you?
Antony: How d'ya know if it's a bad pint?
Dave: Cos you can shit through the eye of a needle.
Jim: Where did you go?
Dave: Pear Tree.
Jim: Bloody hell, you don't wanna drink in there.
Dave: Well, I know that now, don't I?
Jim: Bloody hell. He doesn't clean his pumps him.
Antony: No, actually the lager's all right.
Jim: How would you know, soft lad?
Antony: Dad, I'm 15.
Jim: 'Ey! Listen, if I ever catch you in The Feathers, I'll clip you round the bloody ear, you do not shit on your own doorstep!
Dave: I nearly did last night, I couldn't get the key in quick enough.

Barbara: [Denise's waters have broken] Oh Denise! You're going to give birth on Christmas Day!
Jim: Jesus!

Antony: Hey, Dad.
Jim: [grunting] Hm?
Antony: Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Because everyone's supposed to remember where they were.
Jim: Kennedy dead? When?
[everyone laughs]
Jim: I don't know where the bloody hell I was--but wherever I was, there's a bloody good chance our immersion heater was on!

Jim: I paid a quid for these pants and I've got fifty pence worth stuck up me arse.

Denise: You're tight as a crab's arse, you, Dad.
Jim: Crab's arse, my arse, it's two pound fifty phoning next door!

Denise: What time are we going down the Feathers?
Jim: Well, as soon as you're ready.
Cheryl: Right, I'll nip home and make meself beautiful.
Jim: Oh, are you just coming for last orders then?
[chuckles to himself]

Mary: Look at Antony's hair. He looks like a little choirboy.
Jim: He looks like a little gay boy.

Barbara: Get the door, will ya, Antony?
Antony: I have to do everything around here!
Jim: It's probably Snow White looking for you, Grumpy!

Norma: Is this hat too far forward?
Jim: No, we can still see your face.

Jim: [as they prepare to go to The Feathers to celebrate Jim's birthday] Get your coat on, Barb.
Barbara: [surprised] Taking me with you?
Jim: No, I'm going to turn the fire off
[chuckles]
Jim: Of course I'm taking you. I wouldn't leave you here on me birthday, would I?... Better bring your purse.
Barbara: [mutters under her breath] Bastard.

Antony: Who's stunk that toilet out?
Barbara: Who d'ya think?
Jim: Well, that's what it's for isn't it? Where d'you expect me to shit? You'd soon have something to worry about if I crapped in the kitchen.

Denise: Dad, stop fiddling with yourself.
Jim: I'm not fiddling with meself, I paid a quid for these underpants and I've got about 50 pence worth stuck up me arse.
Barbara: She's right. If you're not picking your arse, you're picking your teeth.
Jim: I'll pick what I want in me own house and when she gets her own house she can pick what she likes--her nose, her arse, her teeth. Just go and treat yourself.
Barbara: Oh, I'm ashamed of this family, I am really.

Antony: [as Antony talks about fighting the Beswick brothers] They're hard, them two, when they're together. All right?
Jim: Well, wait till they're on their own, and give them a bloody good hiding.
Antony: Well, they're never on their own, are they?
Jim: Why, they don't shit out the one arsehole, do they?

Norma: Is this hat too far forward?
Jim: No, we can still see your face. I'm only jokin' Norma.

Jim: [on Christmas Day] This is one day of the year we all get together to watch the bloody television, and look at this shite they put on!

Barbara: [about her mother on the phone] It's shocking, really, you know--she's 82.
Jim: Why? What's happened?
Barbara: Well, she went down the Precinct and she had this voucher--and it was one day out of date and the miserable sod of a manager wouldn't let her have the money off!
Jim: How much was it worth?
Barbara: 20p.
Jim: 20p? It'll cost her more than that to ring every bugger she knows to tell!

Antony: [referring to Nana] Dad, has she really got a load of antiques?
Jim: Has she, my arse!

Barbara: [in a discussion of homosexuals] Well, I don't care what anybody is--I don't care whether they're gay, straight or Australian. It's what they're like as a person that matters.
Jim: Aye, aye Barb, steady on there, will ya? This ain't Live Aid you know, its just my bloody birthday.
Barbara: Oh, you're a sarcastic bugger, you are, Jim!

Barbara: Is there 'owt on, Jim?
Jim: No.
Barbara: 'Ey Jim, Jim, d'ya fancy an early night?
Jim: There must be bloody something on, mustn't there!

Jim: I'm gonna go and have a chat with the Arabs.
Cheryl: What d'ya mean Jim?
Jim: Mustapha Crap.