The Best Denise Best Quotes

Denise: I'm only not smoking in front of Baby David until he's old enough to get up and walk out of the room, then it's his choice.

Norma: [after Dave agrees to take her home] Oh, you're a good'n. I'll leave you something nice in my will.
Dave: Hey--why wait till then? There'll be plenty of room in the back of the van when you get out--I've had my eye on that clock of yours.
Norma: Ha, ha--you cheeky begger. Hugh Scully'd give us a few bob for that.
Denise: Will you stop talking about Nana dying?
Jim: Yeah! Have a little bit of respect--wait till she's gone out of the door.
[laughs]
Jim: Oh, I'm only joking, Norma--bloody hell, it'll be a sad day in this house when you snuff it... if we don't get that clock.
Barbara: Oh--he hasn't got a heart, Mam--he's got a swinging brick.

Denise: Dad, stop fiddling with yourself.
Jim: I'm not fiddling with meself, I paid a quid for these underpants and I've got about 50 pence worth stuck up me arse.
Barbara: She's right. If you're not picking your arse, you're picking your teeth.
Jim: I'll pick what I want in me own house and when she gets her own house she can pick what she likes--her nose, her arse, her teeth. Just go and treat yourself.
Barbara: Oh, I'm ashamed of this family, I am really.

Denise: [talking about Dave and Beverly Macca] Every time when I come out of the toilet she was round him, right, like flies, right, round shit.
[to Dave]
Denise: And you're the shit, and she? She's not even the fly because she's too fat to be the fly and she's the shit and that's what they are, they're two shovels of shit.
Barbara: You don't have to bring shit into it, love.

Denise: [to Dave] Every time you do a gig round here, that cow is there!
Jim: What's going on now?
Barbara: Oh, they're arguing about Beverly Macca.
Jim: She's all right, Beverly. She's a tasty little piece.

Barbara: Give us a go of that new lippy, Denise. It's a lovely colour, innit? You know I can't usually wear red, it does nothing for me. Can't wear red, can I, Jim?
Jim: No, that's what's held you back all these years.
Barbara: D'ya know I am looking my age, it's these last few months it's crept up on me. Mind you it could be worse, at least I've still got me schoolgirl figure.
Jim: I must clean that mirror.
Denise: Get lost, Dad, Mam's got a great figure for a woman her age.
Barbara: It's gonna be really tempting working at that baker's. I don't wanna put any weight on before the wedding, I want to get meself a really nice little suit.
Jim: Why don't you go in your school uniform, it still fits you, doesn't it?

Norma: [talking about Dave and Denise's honeymoon] So, where is it you're going again?
Denise: Tenerife.
Norma: Ooh, that'll be gorgeous, won't it! Me and your grandad went to Blackpool for a week in a B&B. It's a Harry Ramsden's now, which is quite fitting as we met in a fish shop, It was after the town hall dance, I went there with my friend Betty.
Barbara: Oh, Betty.
Barbara: She married a joiner, moved to Leeds, he knocked her about a bit, but her home was lovely.
Mary: Do you ever hear from her, Norma?
Norma: No, I never liked her even when we were best friends.

Denise: You're tight as a crab's arse, you, Dad.
Jim: Crab's arse, my arse, it's two pound fifty phoning next door!

Jim: Woah-ho, if you lot take my advice, you won't go near that lavatory for at least half an hour and whatever you do don't strike a bloody match.
Denise: Dad, we've got company.
Jim: Well, it's only Dave, he's as bloody bad.
Denise: Why do you have to announce it every time you go to the toilet?
Jim: I'm only making polite conversation, what's the do with her?
Denise: Well, we could do without it, thanks all the same.
Jim: [to Barbara] And what do you keep buying that bloody cheap toilet paper for? It's cutting my arse to ribbons.
Denise: Mam, tell him, he's doing it on purpose now.
Barbara: When I was buying the dear stuff you complained.
Jim: [taken aback] I didn't.
Barbara: You did, said you 'may as well wipe your arse on pound notes.
Jim: [Jim starts to laugh hysterically] Oh, yeah, I did, yeah, I did, yeah.

Barbara: [talking about Cheryl] Have you asked her to be bridesmaid?
Denise: Aw, yeah, aw, she was thrilled.
Jim: Bridesmaid, my arse, she'll look like a bloody Easter egg on legs.
Antony: Yeah, and the only reason you're having her as a bridesmaid is to make you look better.
Denise: Get lost, Antony!
Barbara: Is she really on a diet?
Denise: Yeah.
Barbara: D'ya think she'll ever get married?
Antony: Who'd have her?
Jim: Stevie Wonder.
Antony: [laughs] Yeah.

Barbara: [talking to Denise, who obviously isn't listening] Oh--you know that Donna who works with me. Well, she only works half-days - afternoons. And her mam usually picks the kids up for her; anyway--her mam's going into hospital and she won't be able to pick the kids up for her. So, Donna wants to swap to mornings, so--she has to see Pauline. So, she goes and sees Pauline and she says "Can I swap to mornings?" and she tells her, you know, about her mam going to hospital and all that. And Pauline's not having any of it--she's got herself in a right pickle. What's she going to do?
Denise: What are you on about?
Barbara: Donna!
Jim: What's the matter with her?
Barbara: Well, her mam, you see, normally picks the kids up for her in the afternoons after school--but she's going into hospital so she won't be able to. So Donna wanted to swap--Pauline won't let her. So she's stuck with someone to pick the kids up for her, ain't she?
Jim: Well, what's that got to do with you? I mean it's not your bloody problem, is it?
Barbara: I'm just telling you!
Jim: Well, don't you think I've got enough to worry about myself?
Barbara: [sighs] You've no interest in anyone but yourself, Jim.

Cheryl: [talking about Anthony] Has he got a girlfriend yet?
Denise: Yeah... His hand

Dave: [Jim, Dave and Denise are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? The previous question was Ethanol is a form of which substance?] Alcohol. I thought you would've known that, Denise.
Denise: I've never even drank ethanol.

Denise: Dad! Your flies are undone!
Jim: Ah, the cage might be open, but the beast is asleep.
Barbara: Beast, my arse!

Barbara: [after finding out about Denise's pregnancy, Barbara starts pouring out champagne] /There we are Denise.
Denise: Oh hey mam, give us another one, I'm drinking for two remember

Denise: Shall we go down The Feathers for the last hour?
Dave: No, I'm knackered.
Denise: OK. I'm not bothered anyway--we can always stay in and watch the telly.
Dave: Is there owt on?
Denise: No.
Dave: Well, we may as well go down the Feathers then.
Denise: You were too knackered to go a minute ago!
Barbara: Oh, let him go for a drink if that's what he wants!
Denise: I just asked him! He said he was too knackered to go!
Dave: Do you wanna go or what?
Denise: I wanted to go in the first place. I'm not going now anyway--you've annoyed me.

Denise: [yelling at Dave after going into labour with him not there] Trust you not to be here when me waters broke! You right useless lump of shite!