The Best The Dean Quotes

[Professor T walks into his office and finds Ingrid Snares chopping a pineapple into slices with a meat cleaver]
Professor: You attack with feeling, Miss Snares.
Ingrid: It helps if I imagine it is a certain someone's head.
[the Dean walks in]
The: Ah, Jasper. I wonder if I might have a quick word.
Professor: I wonder if *you* might.

Adelaide: Will you talk to him?
The: Yes, of course Adelaide. I am sure it is just a phase.
Adelaide: I wish I was blessed with your naivete.

[Professor: "Who would you save from a burning house: the cleaning lady, or the scientist who is about to invent a cure for cancer? The cleaning lady is your mother." Every student has failed on that question]
Professor: Who would *you* save?
The: Oh, my mother, of course.
Professor: Why "of course"?
The: Because anyone who leaves their mother to be burnt alive in a house fire doesn't *deserve* to be cured of cancer.
Professor: Now *that* is an excellent answer.