Top 30 Quotes From Professor T

Professor: [to his students] I have studied your papers with the closest attention and I have to say, not a single one shows the slightest sign of clarity, insight or intelligence.
[he throws all their essays in the bin]
Professor: Instead I propose to read an extract on the nature of a criminal by a former student, who happens to be in possession of a first-class mind.
Professor: [reading aloud Lisa Donckers' essay that she had written when she was his student] "Criminality and brutality are not an inevitable inheritance from our bestial forebears. Each of us is capable of cruelty, but many of us - most, indeed - do not succumb to that urge. Despite poverty or provocation, society is not lawless. Only the worst give in to base instincts, be it greed or covetousness or lust. The mind of the murderer is formed in increments. It takes shape when someone decides to walk that dark path, yet others with far greater reason turn away."

Professor: Would you mind dropping me off? I, too, have a lunch date.
Lisa: Professor. Dark horse.
Professor: It's with my mother!

[Professor: "Who would you save from a burning house: the cleaning lady, or the scientist who is about to invent a cure for cancer? The cleaning lady is your mother." Every student has failed on that question]
Professor: Who would *you* save?
The: Oh, my mother, of course.
Professor: Why "of course"?
The: Because anyone who leaves their mother to be burnt alive in a house fire doesn't *deserve* to be cured of cancer.
Professor: Now *that* is an excellent answer.

Professor: To me, being half right is like being half happy.

Paul: Jonathan Fell?
Dan: Yes, he did!

Ingrid: DS Donckers to see you - and the other one!

Professor: That night, the one we talked about. I'm wondering why your grandmother went to sleep so early.
Sophie: I put some drops in her port.
Professor: I thought so. Because she was going to pay for your assisted living?
Sophie: No, I didn't want to watch her boring soap operas.

Adelaide: Jasper, are you there? I can hear you hiding!

Lisa: He's worth's billion quid, give or take. I'll take if he's giving.

Adelaide: Jasper! We need a gardener. It's like The Day Of The Triffids out there.

Adelaide: Will you talk to him?
The: Yes, of course Adelaide. I am sure it is just a phase.
Adelaide: I wish I was blessed with your naivete.

Dina: You know Lisa.
Dan: Apparently not!

Professor: You don't believe in true love?
Christina: Sure I do. And I still put out a stocking for Santa.

Professor: I do not catch scumbags, I study them.

Lisa: You weren't on site at the shooting yesterday were you Mr Samson?
Freddie: No, I was driving in from a breakfast meeting.
Lisa: Was that business or pleasure?
Freddie: Pleasure actually.
Lisa: Someone who can vouch for you?
Freddie: Unfortunately not. I was stood up
Dan: [mutters to himself] I know how you feel, mate.

Ingrid: He's taken up gardening
Adelaide: What did you say?
Ingrid: Gardening!
Adelaide: I heard you the first time!

[Professor T walks into his office and finds Ingrid Snares chopping a pineapple into slices with a meat cleaver]
Professor: You attack with feeling, Miss Snares.
Ingrid: It helps if I imagine it is a certain someone's head.
[the Dean walks in]
The: Ah, Jasper. I wonder if I might have a quick word.
Professor: I wonder if *you* might.

[the police are investigating a fire which seems to have been started deliberately in a student house; could the fire have been started by one of the students who live there?]
DI: I don't imagine any of them would be stupid enough to set the place on fire whilst they themselves were still in it.
Professor: The term "homo sapiens" is a misnomer, Detective Sergeant. Human beings are guided far more often by perverse irrationality than by solid reasoning.

Christina: Persistence and conviction are very admirable. Stubborn, bloody-mindedess is not.

Lisa: It's really quite a transformation Mr Banks. Choirboy at 12 and convict at 20.
Professor: From songbird to jailbird.

Lisa: How was last night?
Dan: Not now, Lisa. It's not a good idea to mix work with pleasure.

Sophie: Are you his mummy?
Adelaide: That is indeed my privilege and, simultaneously, my burden.
Sophie: Do you love him?
Adelaide: Boundlessly, little one.

[Lisa Donckers speaks while she is eating a pot noodle]
Professor: Please don't speak with your mouth full, Sergeant, especially if your brain is empty.

Professor: [Professor T to his students upon discovering that none of them reads the local paper...] You are a generation obsessed with the narcissistic posturing and mindless witterings of attention junkies from the far-flung reaches of the planet. Yet, with your snouts buried deep in the sulfurous trough of social media, you've failed to notice the multitudes that land daily on your own doorsteps.

Andrew: You made me do it honey. You made me do it.

[Jasper is supposed to be looking after his mother's dog. Jasper is sitting in his office, engossed in reading something. The dog is nowhere to be seen]
Ingrid: Where's the dog?
[Jasper looks blankly at her]
Ingrid: The dog. You know? So high. Unfortunate disposition. Looks like a cross between a slipper and a gerbil.

Ingrid: [making finger quotes around emphasised words] These two ladies are seeking an audience with "the professor"; the "famous one" who "solves everything".
Professor: Indeed!
Ingrid: I said you might see them instead.

Lisa: [looking at Dan's notebook] My doctor's prescriptions are easier to decode than this.
Dan: I don't have bad handwriting. I've just got my own font.

Herman Donckers: It's delicious.
Lisa: You haven't even tasted it yet

Ingrid: I know you don't like birthday cakes so I bought you a doughnut instead.