Top 100 Quotes From Frankie Bergstein

Frankie: Oh, good morning.
Grace: Try again.
Frankie: Bad morning? Can I get you something?
Grace: A larger sphere of personal space.
Frankie: It's the one thing I'm out of.
Grace: Then, no.

Frankie: Excuse me, have you ever wondered if Ben and Jerry make more than ice cream together?

[last lines]
Frankie: [checking her email] Who's Vin Diesel?

Frankie: [telling Babe her final joke] I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me just before he died.
Frankie: "Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"

Frankie: This is about one thing, Bud: me being dead. Everything will be fine once I get alive again.

Frankie: What brand would you smoke if your husband turned out to be gay?
Clerk: Uh, newports?
Frankie: For 20 years?
Clerk: Lucky's.

Frankie: I struggle to believe you.

Grace: I just got home and found Sol in our living room.
[sarcastically]
Grace: He was looking for you. So I slept with him to see what all the fuss was about.
Frankie: Don't start with me.

Grace: [product pitch to church group] I'm curious, do any of you have hand or wrist issues?
Carol: Oh, yeah. My hands are so stiff in the morning, I can't even open them. I have to run hot water over them just to get them going.
Grace: Oh, bless your heart. And how do they feel after you masturbate?
[awkward pause]
Grace: Oh! Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. You're in a safe place. No, this is like a... It's like a sanctuary, so to speak. Um... So, does it aggravate the condition? You know, swelling or pain after you...
Frankie: [eagerly cutting in loudly] After you masturbate.
Grace: ...She's saying.
Frankie: Praise His name.
Grace: Probably not your typical topic of discussion, I imagine, at your prayer group.

Officer: [teaching self-defense] Then your best bet is to go ahead and soil yourself.
Grace: Excuse me?
Frankie: What if you don't have to go?
Officer: Oh, you'll have to go.

Frankie: Excuse me.
[Holding up a container of Ben & Jerry's ice cream]
Frankie: Have you ever wondered if Ben and Jerry make more than ice cream together?
Woman: What?
Frankie: Ben and Jerry. Are they more than ice cream buddies?
Woman: How the hell would I know?
Frankie: Bitch.

Grace: Is this where you're gonna start to get on me for dating a younger man?
Frankie: No, I'm cool with that. I used to sit Bud and Coyote down and explain to them that it was perfectly natural if their friends were attracted to me.

Grace: Oh, and tilt your head slightly to the side.
Frankie: Why?
Grace: It shows deep concern about what he's saying.
Frankie: You mean like my retriever used to do?

Brianna: I bet I can find three things in your purse that have palm oil in them.
Frankie: Joke's on you. I can't find my purse.

Frankie: This was our biggest fan and we whacked her!
Grace: Okay, you have to stop talking like that, because we have a bigger problem here. That lady told two strangers that Harriet died using our vibrator. Who else is she gonna tell? The parrot?
Frankie: Oh, no. They repeat everything!
Grace: I think we have to start thinking about damage control.
Frankie: Damage control? We killed a woman who trusted us!
Grace: Yeah. That's the damage we have to control.

Frankie: It is good isn't it? When you left, I thought my life was over. I can't sleep in that big fucking bed without him. But I did it. And now I love having that bed to myself, it's fantastic, I sleep in a giant X! You know what this means? Im okay, and I'm going to be okay. Ta-da, congratulate me.

Grace: You are in need of some serious cheering up.
Frankie: I'm not without cheer. I'm a little down. It's an honest down, and since you are so up, there's a homeostatic balance.

Frankie: I haven't been here since forever. It's dark, it's dirty, it's got urine-soaked sawdust on the floor.
Grace: Ew.
Frankie: This is where I got in my first knife fight.

Frankie: Oh Have you given any more thought to a replacement?
Grace: For you?
Frankie: For your knee.

Frankie: [about business meeting with competitor] I don't know why you're mad at me.
Grace: I'm mad at you because I had him exactly where I wanted him.
Frankie: Where? In 1961 in the Playboy Mansion?

Frankie: I can't lube my vagina with one hand, and smack an orangutan with the other.

Frankie: Can I go home and put on my pajamas?
Grace: Can I go home and put on my noose?

Frankie: [to Grace] As a younger person myself, even I have felt uncomfortable being around you.

Frankie: Recent studies have shown home birth, done with care, reduces the risk of infection and enhances bonding.
Allison: Ooh!
Nwabudike: She reads this stuff in a newsletter that SHE writes.

Frankie: You're Kareena G. You can go wherever you want. You don't belong in La Jolla...
Grace: It certainly wasn't my first choice. Go do your first choice. What was your first choice?
Kareena: You know, somewhere chill. Where I can, like, do me, and party all night - but, like, thoughtfully... With people who are spiritual, but also rich.

Frankie: He's wrong for you on every level.
Grace: Why? Because he doesn't drive a car that runs on millet?

[last lines]
Frankie: [late at night sitting wearily on the curb] When's that cab gonna get here?
Grace: After we call it.
Frankie: [chuckle] Oh.

Frankie: That's her look... outer space librarian!

Grace: Sol's probably going to ask you to do an interpretive dance.
Frankie: I don't think I can. I mean, I could. I mean, I usually see where my body takes me in the moment.
[dances]
Frankie: Kah! KAH! Kah.
Grace: Definitely don't do that.
Frankie: Okay.

Grace: Shouldn't you be wanting to know the sex of your first grandchild?
Frankie: I can multitask.
Grace: You can't. You're famous for not being able to multitask. You can't even task.
Frankie: I'm sorry, I was thinking about the other thing. What did you say?

Daphne: I think your situation is much worse, dear.
Frankie: Mmm. Pardon?
Daphne: I'll be dead soon, but what are you going to do? You may live another 20 years.

Frankie: The house is ready for the Chin family. Do you think I should leave them some sage, so that they can get rid of our juju?
Nwabudike: It's all good.
Coyote: Not necessary.

Frankie: I told them both in a dream, so I'm sure on some level they know.
Grace: So you're two-timing them.
Frankie: No, I am one-at-a-timing them, simultaneously.

Frankie: I want to hear all about your travels.
Babe: Same old, same old. The Great Wall, the Berlin Wall, the Wailing Wall. The whole world is just a bunch of walls.

Frankie: If you can't talk to your husband about sex, then you really aren't doing things differently this time.
Grace: [exhales] Oh, my God, you are right... Wait a minute, you were hit by a forklift?
Frankie: Ah, you should see the other guy.

Jack: If you need Sol in your life, we're not gonna work.
Frankie: Oh, Jack, are you an idiot?
Jack: Yes! Your ex-husband had me legally declared an idiot!

[last lines]
Joan: [bringing in Frankie's snack] Oh, for fuck's sake, I've forgotten a spoon. Well, back in a jiff...
[walks slowly back out]
Frankie: She's perfect for us. She's not a stranger, and she won't make us feel old or slow. And she's actually older than we are. Isn't that beautiful?
Grace: That is beautiful. Uh. Well, she's not that slow. You got your soup.
Frankie: It's ice cream.

Allison: [with sudden distress] Do you taste raspberries?
Nwabudike: I don't taste any
Allison: Oh, no. I do.
Frankie: [jumps up] Clear!
[plunges an epipen into Allison's leg]
Allison: Ow! Ay.
Frankie: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were allergic.
Allison: I'm not, I just don't like them. But thanks for the rush.

Frankie: [excited about impromptu road trip] Frances can drive! Frances always drives! Once through a closed garage door, but nobody was hurt.

Grace: [after failed product party] How do we get people to try a product that no one will admit they want or need?
Frankie: I wouldn't say "no one."
Grace: What?
Frankie: One of the vibrators is missing.

Coyote: You broke Jesus?
Frankie: He'll come back. That's his thing.

[first lines]
Frankie: [her voice coming over outdoor loud speaker] I sound pretty good.
Jacob: You're the Jennifer Holliday of Tuvan throat singing. Thanks to your voice, crops are bigger and better than ever. I mean have you ever seen anything so bulbous?
[handling a tuber vegetable]
Frankie: Well, that's a trick question, to which I will answer, "perhaps."

Sol: So let me get this straight. You got my husband high, you fed him a bunch of fried food, and then you lost my dog?
Frankie: I don't know if it was in that order.

Frankie: I just polished off a tub of what I thought was cheese dip.
Grace: Yeah, I know. I read your status update.

Nwabudike: Forgive me if after your crazy squat our worries didn't go away.
Frankie: I feel fine. I went bodysurfing this morning. Not on purpose, but it happened.

Frankie: I'm making dinner for Jacob. He always cooks for me so I'm flipping the script.
Grace: Doesn't look like there is a script.
Frankie: I'm freestyling, lady. I let the ingredients speak to me. I cook the way I paint, with intense sexual rage.

Frankie: Sweet, muscular Jesus!

Joan: [at seafood restaurant] You know, people have shells, too. Only ours are on the inside.
Frankie: I was thinking the exact same thing. I mean, it would be nice to have an outer shell sometimes.
Joan: But I guess that's what raincoats are for.
Frankie: This is unbelievable! It's like we have one mind, but two accents.

Leo: I'd say, from your ethical booties and your green car, you're still a vegan, but you cheat.
Frankie: Only if I know the Doritos have been raised humanely.

Frankie: [rhetorically] How much in common do we have?
Benjamin: I don't know, do *you* hate you?

Sol: I can't believe I was so stupid.
Frankie: That's what you want to process? Your stupidity?
Sol: It's just, I risked everything. What was I thinking? I... I really fucked up.
Frankie: This was the fuck up? Not your twenty year affair? Not all the lies you told me? One night with the woman you spent forty years with in the house where we raised our children? That's the fuck up?
[incredulously]
Frankie: That's fucked up.

Frankie: And I am a certified amateur psychologist. I'm the one who diagnosed Bud's food issues.
Grace: Misdiagnosed!
Frankie: The jury's still out on that, Grace.

Frankie: What if he's building up unreal expectations about her? What if he's imagining a natural blonde, soprano, tiny little feet, who hums to birds?
Grace: I'm pretty sure he knows his birth mother is not a cartoon princess.

Frankie: When is this guy going to stop boning me?

Frankie: No tea, no shade, but why you gaggin', bitch?

Brianna: I want a man who's there when I want him and gone when I don't, and is affectionate, not too much, and has great hair and good hygiene.
Frankie: You are describing a dog.

Arnold: Wow, when you look in a closet, you really get in there.
Frankie: It's hereditary. Both my parents were gynecologists.

Frankie: You are dating the guy who tried to steal our business!
Grace: He wasn't trying to steal our business. It was just his way of flirting.
Frankie: Oh, like how Hitler flirted with Poland!

Frankie: F*** that noise!

Frankie: I can't believe how mad I am that Grace made me so mad. I mean, she was so drunk, I don't even know why I was listening, although sometimes that's when the things you really mean come out. When you're not thinking. That's the whole theory behind improv.

Grace: Was Santa Fe really that bad?
Frankie: You ever reach into one of your pockets and think, "Oh, boy, licorice!"But then it's a snake? Because I have.

Frankie: [Referring to Grace's desire to look good at a repast attended by her soon-to-be ex-husband] Is that why you're wearing that ass hugging dress?
Grace: Exactly. Yes. When I walk into Larry's house, everybody's going to look at me and say,
[smacking her lips]
Grace: "What a waste?"
Frankie: Wouldn't they be saying that when you walk out?

Frankie: [her Cheez-Its stick in the vending machine] Oh! My powers are weak.
Grace: Your powers are fictional.

[last lines]
Frankie: [ecstatic about final achieving her restricted driver's license] Best friends!
Grace: Kill me now.
Frankie: Are you gonna drive?
Grace: Do I have a choice? The sun's going down...

Frankie: Oh, so it's okay for you to spend time with your ex-husband, but not me.
Grace: It's okay if my six-foot-four, still boyishly good-looking lover's gonna be here.
Frankie: I see what you're doing. Accidental meeting. Erica Kane did that to Dimitri Marick on All My Children. Someone ended up dying, then coming back as a twin, and then dying again in a grain silo. I like it.

Mallory: [about their intervention checklist] Do you really not see yourselves in some of the things on this list?
Frankie: No. And a different checklist would say I'm doing just fine. Growing as an artist: check. Finding new things to fondue: check. Improvising a kick-ass checklist: check-plus.
Grace: Yeah. Founded two successful businesses: check. Didn't run one of them into the ground: check. Don't live in a shoe: check.

Brianna: [at Frankie's art opening] We are just celebrating the fact that I'm going to buy one of your paintings.
Frankie: Oh, really? Which one spoke to you?
Brianna: The second least expensive one.
Frankie: Uh-huh.
Mallory: And Mitch is so sad he's missing this, he said to get one to bring home.
Frankie: Oh, cut the crap, you two. Nobody's buying any paintings. I don't mean "nobody," I mean you people. No family can buy art. I don't want any part of your pity ponchos or your pity purchases. If you love a piece, I will give it to you free of charge. And "free of charge" does not include delivery.

Frankie: [into her camera phone] Because of this impending transformation, I've called my loved ones to tell them goodbye. But no one was home, hence, this recording.

Frankie: I've got the touch. For babies and nun-chucks.

[last lines]
Grace: We're calling it the "Rise Up".
Frankie: [in unison] Yes!

Frankie: [laying on the floor with back pain] We're floor people now. Look, I found some peppermints and two pennies. You can put them on top of my eyelids when I die. The peppermints. And by the way, if I go first, you have permission to eat me. But not my face.

[first lines]
Grace: [turns off the blasting boom box] Why can't you wear the earphones you bought with my credit card?
Frankie: They keep getting lost in my hair. Now, if you would please be so kind as to pump up my jam.

Frankie: Life's too short, unless you drink my smoothies.
Robert: I'm good with my life expectancy.

Grace: You don't have a stove? But you love to cook.
Arlene: I do, but I also love not cleaning up. And they really encourage you to eat in the dining hall.
Grace: So, you eat all your meals at, like communal tables?
Frankie: Grace has weird boundary issues. Try talking to her when she's in the tub.

Grace: Where do you think you're going?
Frankie: We can't go back. We had a long run.
[dramatically toward the beach]
Frankie: And I've seen my death, it's me walking peacefully into the ocean. You wanna come?
Grace: Well, I've seen your death too, and my hands are way more on your throat.

Frankie: [folding a fitted sheet] This is harder than you said it would be.
Grace: Fold the corners. No, fold. Fold the corners.
Frankie: They're round. They do not fold. Anyone who can do this is a powerful witch.
Grace: Well, I can do it.
Frankie: I rest my case.

Frankie: [reading to Allison's pregnant belly with exaggerated pronunciation] "In other words, the anti-feminist backlash was set off not by women's achievement of full equality, but by the increased possibility that they might win it."
Nwabudike: [politely] Now more relevant than ever, Mom.

[first lines]
Sol: [riding together in elevator] Can I just say how proud I am of the four of us? I mean, we were such adults in there. I think we should thank Bud for suggesting that we use an arbitrator. Thank you, Bud. Jerry was the perfect choice, fair, sensitive, kind, and I think he brought out the best in us. And now that the papers are signed
Frankie: Shut up, Sol.

Frankie: I'm not sleeping... I'm painting.
Grace: Looks like you're sleeping.
Frankie: I go to a restful place in my mind and I let the painting come to me.
Grace: So what's coming to you?
Frankie: Sleep. It works that way sometimes.

Frankie: You know, Grace and I fought the early battles. We had to take on this evil corporate raider with these dastardly eyebrows.
Sheree: Well, I'm not a business person like you.
Grace: Well Nobody's a business person like her. No one.

Frankie: I'm going to my hotel, where I'm welcome. Where there's a deeply unsatisfying shower and the trash compactor is a goat.

Frankie: J'accuse!

Frankie: It's very uncomfortable eating dinner with someone in complete silence.
Grace: You have literally spoken every 15 seconds.

Nwabudike: [on the phone] Mom, you fired Toby?
Frankie: Boop.
Nwabudike: Mom!
Frankie: Okay, fine. I fired Toby. But he failed his drug test. He wouldn't smoke with me.

Grace: I don't know what the division of labor was in your marriage...
Frankie: Bud did most of the cleaning.

Grace: Life is short, Frankie. You know what we need? We need a girls' night. Just us girls. We can have drinks And tapas And just talk.
Frankie: I'm never getting a hearing aid. I think I'm better off missing most of what you say...
[gets up and leaves the room]

Grace: Do you have a secret stash of love letters?
Frankie: Robert used to write very thorough grocery lists.

Frankie: I must have half the beach in my vagina!

Frankie: Ah... Ah...
[soft snort]
Grace: Oh, don't. Why do you do that? I've told you, it's dangerous to hold a sneeze in.
Frankie: I'm not a pretty sneezer.
Grace: Well, the face you make holding it in isn't pretty either.
Frankie: Well, thanks for telling me.
Grace: That's what I'm here for.

Grace: [recounting her encounter] Yeah, he was sitting right there eating a ham sandwich.
Frankie: Oh, he loves ham. I have to admit, he is a looker. I would not want to sexualize a student, but you're welcome to, go ahead...

Frankie: Just like Babe to get you a present for killing her.

[first lines]
Grace: [wakes up on the window sill grunting and groaning] Oh, my God.
Frankie: [chuckles in her sleep] Do it again, Elvis.
Grace: What? Frankie, wake up!
Frankie: I was dreaming.
Grace: I heard. How's Elvis?

[last lines]
Grace: How are we going to get the money to pay for all this?
Frankie: Did you know you can just send this right to the bank?

Frankie: [about their new product] Orgasms and pancakes with all the fixings! Best day ever.

Allison: You can't go!
Nwabudike: Yeah, what if I put my finger in her head again? What if she's allergic to peanuts but she can't tell us? We clearly don't know what we're doing.
Frankie: Here's a secret: nobody does. Except for whoever raised Regis Philbin.

Frankie: [Brianna suggesting she, Frankie and Grace go out for frozen yoghurt, Frankie is still high from smoking weed] I know what I want. No, no wait.
[pauses]
Frankie: Ahh now I know what I want.

Robert: [about fondue pots] I'll take this one.
Frankie: This one is missing a fork, and it has a leak.
Robert: Well, why don't you throw it out?
Frankie: Would you throw out a child who's missing a fork and had a leak?

Frankie: I HAVE done this all day.
Frankie: FLIMSY!

Grace: I like the enthusiasm, but vibrators aren't like donuts. People don't bring a dozen into work.
Frankie: [enthusiastically] Because masturbation in the office isn't socially acceptable yet.

Sol: We want to get married.
Grace: Married?
Robert: Cos we can do that now.
Frankie: I know! I hosted that fundraiser!