The Best Mallory Hanson Quotes

Brianna: We're not going to We're not firing you, Mallory. Barry wants to fire you.
Mallory: But you're not paying me.
Brianna: I know and that's why we're not doing it, Barry. It's a bad idea.

Mallory: [proofing-reading his vows] It's just a bit cold. You titled it "Robert v. Sol."
Robert: The V is for vows, it's funny. It's like a joke, I mean, we're lawyers?
Brianna: I'm confused. Did you want him to sign this?
Robert: Oh, come on, it's not that bad. Uh, well, what about the addendum? I mean, that's pure comedy gold.
Mallory: You mean here where you cite precedent?
Robert: Mm-hmm.
Mallory: It's well-reasoned. Are you suing him for his love?
Robert: I told you it wasn't ready...

Coyote: We're step-people now.
Mallory: No.
Coyote: I'm sorry, but we're blended. We have to be civil.

Mallory: I'm sorry, but you do like her, right?
Coyote: Yes. Of course I like her, but I'm not gonna tell her that.
Mallory: Are you 15?
Coyote: In many ways, yes.

Grace: Im just trying to keep my coffee down.
Mallory: Mom, is there anything we can do?
Grace: Uh-uh.
Brianna: How about a Valium?
Grace: Two.

Brianna: [at Frankie's art opening] We are just celebrating the fact that I'm going to buy one of your paintings.
Frankie: Oh, really? Which one spoke to you?
Brianna: The second least expensive one.
Frankie: Uh-huh.
Mallory: And Mitch is so sad he's missing this, he said to get one to bring home.
Frankie: Oh, cut the crap, you two. Nobody's buying any paintings. I don't mean "nobody," I mean you people. No family can buy art. I don't want any part of your pity ponchos or your pity purchases. If you love a piece, I will give it to you free of charge. And "free of charge" does not include delivery.

Mallory: Madison, honey, when you were with Grandpa and Grandpa earlier, did you say the "F" word?
Madison: What's the "F" word?
Mallory: Uh, it's a bad word. It starts with "F " You know, "fu" F-Fu...
Madison: Fallopian tube?

Mallory: Look, I like you. I just I want to know the real you.
Dan: Why? I thought we had a good thing going.

Mallory: [about their intervention checklist] Do you really not see yourselves in some of the things on this list?
Frankie: No. And a different checklist would say I'm doing just fine. Growing as an artist: check. Finding new things to fondue: check. Improvising a kick-ass checklist: check-plus.
Grace: Yeah. Founded two successful businesses: check. Didn't run one of them into the ground: check. Don't live in a shoe: check.

Mallory: No worries. I'm just gonna bring out the spectacular thing that I had planned. I was going to build to it, but let's just skip the foreplay, move right to the orgasm, and send everyone on their way!
Brianna: That's the first thing about this party that reflects who I am.

Mallory: Oh my God, what am I going to tell my kids?
Brianna: Why don't you start with do you know where poop comes from?

Brianna: [lamenting the breakout] And what did he really give up for me, anyway?
Mallory: Marriage and kids...
Adam: Cuddling and foreplay...

Mallory: How does your brain determine which facts to keep?

Brianna: The bad news is that the email did go wide. The good news is that it was auto-corrected.
Nwabudike: Uh-huh.
Mallory: Oh, God, what did it say?
Brianna: [reading] "Dear Beloved Guzzle, Vin Diesel fucked Frankie, and Robert hatha yard attack, be causal bleeds, Sausalito, California every day."
Nwabudike: Oh, my God, I am so relieved it was Vin Diesel who slept with my mom.

Mallory: What do you have against tiny houses?
Brianna: What don't I have against tiny houses? Look, I'm all for sustainable living, I don't need some smug, whimsy-loving tiny-house fascist making me feel guilty because I don't care to sleep sitting up!
Mallory: That's harsh.
Brianna: Oh, is it? Or is "harsh" cooking Brussels sprouts on your stove-top and then hot-boxing yourself to death with your own farts? Know what show I wanna watch? Tiny House Hunters, Hunters!