The Best Coyote Bergstein Quotes

Nwabudike: [breaking up awkwardly long group hug] Don't mean to be rude, but I have a date with someone I'll never end up with.
Coyote: And um you know, I don't have anything, but he drives me places...

Coyote: I'll be sober ten years in six years.
Jessica: I'm impressed, minus four.

Mallory: I'm sorry, but you do like her, right?
Coyote: Yes. Of course I like her, but I'm not gonna tell her that.
Mallory: Are you 15?
Coyote: In many ways, yes.

Nwabudike: [Nwabudike and Coyote surprise Brianna while her movie date is away] So what's this guy's deal? Does he smell like a cat?
Coyote: Does he have a cat?
Nwabudike: Is he a cat?
Brianna: Yes, he's a cat and his name is "Go to a different fucking movie!"
Coyote: It's not going to fucking happen.

Coyote: [whispers to Mallory's kids accompanying him] Smile like music changed your life, or you won't get your twenty bucks...

Coyote: I just ate a bunch of mustard.

Frankie: The house is ready for the Chin family. Do you think I should leave them some sage, so that they can get rid of our juju?
Nwabudike: It's all good.
Coyote: Not necessary.

Nwabudike: [after a disastrous round of charades] I BEGGED you to read Harry Potter.
Coyote: Well, it was scary.
Brianna: That round was pitiful. Suspiciously pitiful.
Robert: I agree. How do we know you're not still letting us win?
Nwabudike: We're not. These two are dead weight!
Sol: [defensively] Excuse me for temporarily blanking on Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
Robert: All right. Fine, that was a hard one. But how do you explain what happened with "first man on the moon"?
Coyote: Buzz Lightyear and Stretch Armstrong are totally legitimate guesses.

Coyote: You broke Jesus?
Frankie: He'll come back. That's his thing.

Nwabudike: [eating Pop-Tarts] Thanks for having me over for dessert.
Coyote: Thanks for everything you've done for me. Seriously. I mean, since we were kids.
Nwabudike: Ah! You're my brother. I'm glad Mom bought you.
Coyote: I'm glad Mom bought you, too.

Coyote: Okay, before you say something else mean I'm seeing somebody.
Nwabudike: [incredulous] Hold on. You text me when you perfectly toast a bagel, but not to tell me that you're seeing someone?

Coyote: We're step-people now.
Mallory: No.
Coyote: I'm sorry, but we're blended. We have to be civil.

Nwabudike: The worst part was Jessica broke up with me by text.
Coyote: Ooh.
Nwabudike: And, And, It was the first text I ever got. I still remember it word for word. "It's rover between us. It's not you, it's meat".
Coyote: Jeez.

Brianna: [sobbing uncontrollably after Coyote's heartfelt talk with Luke]
Coyote: Oh, my God. Did I make you cry?
Brianna: No. I got bored and I started reading the backs of the DVDs.
[sniffling]
Brianna: Why? Why do dogs have to die?

Coyote: You guys see pigs too, right?