50 Best Wendi McLendon-Covey Quotes

Beverly: [to Barry and Erica] All I wanted was one nice picture for the wall, that's all.

Erica: [digging up the ground] How are you so good at this?
Beverly: Jazzercise builds upper body strength.

Murray: I try new things. I had that big pink orange that one time.
Beverly: You mean the grapefruit?
Murray: Exactly. Never again!

Beverly: How did you learn to make eggy in the hole?
Erica: That's right. We eggy our own holes now.
Barry: Your days of eggying our holes is over!

Beverly: [about Erica] If she eats so much as one piece of crack, I will have failed as a mother.
Murray: You *usually* say that for dramatic purposes, but this time I agree.

Beverly: How could you do this to me?
Murray: Make our children into responsible adults? I don't know what got into me.

Wendi: [about the real life Bev-Wear jean jacket] Did you ever sell it?
Beverly: Not a single one.

Beverly: It's morning in America, which means Dodd Wembley is taking his anxiety pills!

Mr. Mellor: Now, are you going to stand up for yourself and be a man, or are you gonna cower behind your mommy?
[Cut to Beverly in Mellor's office, with Adam literally cowering behind her]
Beverly: You make my boys compete against each other?
Adam: I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Barry: We're getting married!
Beverly: Did he just say they're getting married?
Murray: That's tomorrow's problem.

Adam: Look! They have hay rides! Hay makes everything better!
Beverly: Tell that to Rachel Hublitz's nephew who went on a hay ride and the open-air wagon turned over. They had to saw him out of the wreckage and they accidentally cut the poor boy in half. Now he's just a torso and has to ride a special medical skateboard to his job at the DMV.

[Beverly is forcing the family to decide on a board game to play]
Beverly: The Game of Life?
Albert: I've already played it. Turns out there are no winners.
[turns to Adam]
Albert: You'll see.

Beverly: [to the cop that arrested Adam, Pops, and Barry] Remember this face, officer, because it is gonna haunt your dreams. IT'S GONNA HAUNT YOUR MOTHER FUCKIN' DREAMS!

Beverly: Surprise! Geoff didn't cheat on you. I just said that to get you to come to my dance recital. Isn't that fun?
Erica: I drove here all the way from DC at 90 miles per hour with tears in my eyes!

Beverly: [after catching Murray sleeping upstairs during his surpirse party] Aunt Rose made an ice-cream cake with your face on it!
Murray: Ooh, I'll have a slice of me.
Beverly: Well, you can't, because it all melted. It's ice-cream soup now.
Murray: I'm a milkshake. Well, that's the dream.

Beverly: I'm a horrible mom.
Erica: None of us were at our best.

Erica: You kept all of those?
Beverly: I've been saving them for a rainy day. And guess what? Storm's a comin'!

[Beverly's upset that Erica and Geoff are sharing an apartment]
Beverly: Okay, here's what's gonna happen; Barry and Erica are gonna move back here. We're gonna home-college them and occasionally let them into the backyard for vitamin D and free play.
Murray: I think everything's gonna be okay.
Beverly: You're okay with your sweet little peanut shacking up with that walking menace Geoff Schwartz?
Murray: Menace? They already spent the summer in a van half the size of a dorm room.
Beverly: That's beside the point.
Murray: She loves him. He loves her. I don't like anybody, and I like him!

Beverly: [Stopping her dance routine] Can we start over?
Barry: Is she asking me? Is this my decision?

Beverly: It's your fiftieth birthday. Your nifty fifties!
Murray: What's so nifty about throwing my back out every time I sneeze?

Beverly: Look at this floor. No, wait, don't. You'll get a seizure.

Beverly: It's those damn Gearys again! They mixed in with our baby! The chutzpah!
Murray: Those stinkin' hippies! They don't follow the rules of society.
Adam: Really? You guys are that threatened by them just because they're better parents than you in every way?
Beverly: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat did you just say?
Adam: Not in *every* way! I meant most ways, some ways! One way?
Beverly: Those Gearys are gonna get a crash course in real parenting from the Goldbergs.

Coach: You're not going to leave until I agree, aren't you?
Beverly: Beverly Goldberg never backs down. Also, I'm very intrusive. Orange slice?
[Coach Nick takes all the slices]
Beverly: Those are meant to be shared.

Beverly: *You* want the box?
Barry: Food is how our family shows love, right?

Beverly: I'm sure that if my Schmoopsie says he can't swim, I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation.
Mr. Mellor: Then you agree that he's working for the CIA and is wearing a wire?
Beverly: That's classified.

Beverly: What's that?
Murray: What's what?
Beverly: That thing, that foot sticking out.
Murray: Oh, that's Adam's baby. I'm using it for lumbar support.

Beverly: Whatever, I don't care what happens to me. I'm already living my worst nightmare.
Freddy: Huh? I - I thought I was doing a - a pretty damn good job here.
Beverly: No, you're great with the knifey hands and the melting-candle face. It's just... Adam said he wished I wasn't his mother.
Freddy: Oh, geez. That's an awful thing to say. Mm. I'm-a kill him.
Beverly: No. The more I think about it, I deserved what Adam said. I was terrible to Jackie's parents.
Freddy: Parents. Who needs 'em? I never knew any of my fathers, and I turned out just fine.
Beverly: I don't see how that applies to me, but I couldn't stand the Gearys because the way they parented. But, then, they were able to help Adam, and I wasn't.
Freddy: Eh, this is getting way too touchy-feely for this cowboy. *Bleep* it, time to die!
Beverly: No. Time to get my *bleep* son back.
Freddy: Hey! I say the *bleep* around here, lady!
Beverly: Not anymore, Mr. Kroeger.
Freddy: Krueger! It's Krueger!

Beverly: Murray, Erica just answered the phone and immediately hung up. There can be only one explanation.
Murray: She doesn't want to talk to you. Go back to sleep.
Beverly: She was eating a hard candy and choked and tried to call 9-1-1.
Murray: What kind of college has hard candy lying around?
Beverly: You don't know! There could be a hard candy dish on the lobby.
Murray: You were watching Donahue again, weren't you?
Beverly: He did a show on chocking hazzards. Did you know hard candies kill more people than smoking?
Murray: Stupid grey-haired bastard. All he does is make you worry.

Beverly: [to Erica] Every day you tell me that I ruin your life and you roll your eyes at me, and I know you're a teenager and that's just how it is, but it *hurts*!

Beverly: Question: is the plural of football feetball?

Beverly: I want huggies.
Erica: Of course.
Beverly: And snuggies.
Barry: On it.
Beverly: And nubbies. Lots and lots of nubbies.
Erica: I don't know what those are and I'm too scared to ask, but sure.

Beverly: [to the cop that arrested Adam, Pops, and Barry] Remember this face, officer, because it is gonna haunt your dreams. IT'S GONNA HAUNT YOUR MOTHER FUCKIN' DREAMS!

Beverly: [hungover] What was I thinking?
Erica: You were thinking I'm terrible because I tried to ditch you.
Beverly: You're wonderful. You took care of me all night.
Erica: It was just one night and I wanted to die. You do it every single day for all of us, and that's actually pretty cool.

Beverly: [Barry's blowing party blowouts in her face] This is how you're going to start off the new year, acting like a moron?

Adam: Okay, so, I narrowed it down to these 29 horror movies.
Jackie: I think all we need is one. "Nightmare on Elm Street."
Adam: Yeah, I'm not so sure. Something about Freddy Krueger creeps me out. It could be the face or the claws or the whole fall-asleep-and-you-die concept.
Jackie: Oh, don't worry. I'll protect you.
Beverly: No. That's my job! And you know my number one rule: No scary movies.
Adam: That's the thing, it's *not* scary. "Elm Street" is a very charming rom-com.
Beverly: "High school friends slaughtered in their sleep by the predatory monster of their shared nightmares"?
Adam: Gah! What's the worst that can happen?
Beverly: I don't know. Why don't you ask Joyce Dimarco's son Anthony. He didn't sleep for three years after watching "The Exorcist", so his body never grew. Well, now he's a 4'7" adult man who needs a special stool to use a sink!

Barry: I want my stuff back! I need my samurai sword! I need my California Raisins! I need my dancing soda can!
Beverly: [Pulls out dancing soda can] You mean this? He dances for me now. Shake it for mama.

Beverly: The atomic symbol C stands for what?
Barry: Chemistry.
Beverly: Carbon! It stands for carbon.
Barry: But it also stands for chemistry, so half a point.

Beverly: Your one ply toilet paper is sandpapering our tushies. Poor Adam can hardly walk!

Barry: How can you deny the world these sweet rhythmic moves?
Beverly: Oh, so this is happening.
[Starts dancing along]
Barry: Get away from me! I'm contagious!
Beverly: The only thing that's contagious is your sweet dance moves.

Erica: [Murray charges up 3 flights of stairs] Dad's taking the stairs! He's taking them two at a time, how is this possible?
Beverly: Your father is *activated*, dear.

Beverly: You're a college dropout?
Murray: You're a college dropout!
Beverly: I dropped out to marry you, dropout!

Murray: [Barry's singing the A-Team theme song as he drives] Stop that song!
Beverly: Shut up! I love you, but shut up!

Beverly: No child of mine is going to pay for the consequences of her actions.

Beverly: I know exactly how to butter up your father. You do it with meat. And actual butter.

Beverly: Look me in the eye. You are not a nerd.
Adam: No, you look me in my lazy eye! I... am... a... nerd!

Beverly: [to Erica,freaking out about Adam's birthday party] Where's the phone? I'm calling the fucking clown.

Murray: What are you doing up here?
Beverly: I needed to eat my feelings, and this is where Adam hid his Halloween candy from you.
Murray: Is there anything good left?
Beverly: No, just these awful circus peanuts.
Murray: Yeah, nobody likes those.
Beverly: Just like me. I'm the circus peanut of mothers.

Beverly: My babies can't live in a van. They could get kidnapped, and he wouldn't need a creepy van because one has been conveniently provided for him.

Beverly: [nonchalantly walking in on Barry while he's showering] What would you like for breakfast, sweetheart?
Barry: Privacy!

Beverly: Penn State made your father everything he is today.
Murray: Bevvie, I lost another hot dog.
Beverly: Why does this keep happening?
Murray: I think it's because my hot dog eating hand is also my gesturing hand.
Erica: I think I've made my case.