Top 20 Quotes From Zach Woods

Gabe: Michael, you've just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?
Michael: Yes. Of course. What's this in reference to?

Pam: Say it. Say that I'm lying or say I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe.
Gabe: Statements of such a nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment.
Pam: Great. Well, let me know if you need a new chair or anything that an office administrator can handle
Gabe: Will do.

Jim: Your paper experience is very interesting. Do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here?
Fred: Absolutely, I... Yes. In fact, I actually have a three-step plan that I believe could effectively double your profits.
Jim: Really?
Fred: Yeah.
Jim: What is it?
Fred: Nice try.
Toby: I'm sorry. W-What is your three-step plan?
Fred: Well, I mean, I can't just hand you my plan. I mean, if you guys give me the job, then, then you'll get the plan.
Gabe: Well... It's an interview, and we don't know that you really have the plan.
Fred: I'm not gonna just make up that I have a plan. I got a plan. Believe me, you guys want it. You're in paper, right?
Gabe: How do we know that if you don't...
Jim: You could just be saying it to get the job.
Fred: I guess I could very if I was... Who would do that?
Jim: How about this. Why don't you give us a part of the plan, and that way we know you have it.
Fred: Tell you what. I'll give you part three of part two. Not gonna give you a whole part.
Jim: Okay.
Fred: Color-code said document. TM.
Jim: Did you just trademark that?
Toby: What?
Fred: That's a verbal trademark. That's an agreement.

Gabe: The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me or they respect me too much, and some of them still think that I'm the I.T guy.

Gabe: [Last lines] Gabe Lewis.
Jo: [Edited audio by Jim Halpert plays] Now, listen here, Gabe. You're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat. I made some changes to my book. See if you like them.
Gabe: Well, Jo...
Jo: Now, I love reading and I hate being interrupted. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter One: I was born, not into luxury, nor poverty.
[Gabe looks through the book book]
Jo: But into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord. My father was a man. That's all we can know. After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me. I would ride up Magnolia Street and down Azalea Lane. Which would later become my...
Jim: [Jim comes into Gabe's office] All right, good night, Gabe. Just wanted to say thanks again. 'Cause I really think I made good use of my day, oh! Sorry.
Jo: I've always been a fighter. And Fate has obliged me with plenty of battles, the first being a hard...

Jim: Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go.
Meredith: Hey, back off. It's Solitaire.
Creed: Hey, kid. Hear you're looking for work.
Jim: Talk to me.
Creed: How far can you reach those lovely, long arms of yours?
[Jim stretches his arms]
Creed: Eh, put 'em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours?
[Jim holds his breath]
Creed: Good.
Gabe: Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people?
Creed: We're working.
Gabe: Can you at least try to look busy?

Gabe: So, PDAs, that's gonna include behaviors such as hugging, kissing...
Kevin: Booby honking.
Gabe: Yeah, booby honking, sure.
Kevin: Butt honking.
Gabe: Butt honking, yep, all the honkings.

[Gabe pulls Andy into the conference room with the blinds shut to confront him about Erin]
Gabe: Are you still in love with Erin?
Andy: What?
Gabe: Because I am. I need to get her back. I can't be alone anymore.
[Gabe starts sobbing]
Gabe: Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?
Andy: No, this is horrifying.

Gabe: What if it's another Waco?
Erin: It's pronounced "Wacko".

Dwight: Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe?
Gabe: That'd be hilarious. "Joe, they're creating a hostile working environment! Stop them!"
[laughs]

Dwight: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
Gabe: Yeah, but not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question, what's the most important appliance in your house?
Dwight: Meat grinder.
Gabe: [Buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And, I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean, and, just like a toilet, I am essential.
Dwight: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or eraser, and instead, you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.

Alice: How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
Erin: Well guess what, he could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so...
Gabe: I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow the whistle.

Gabe: Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we're still dating.

Kelly: You are not leaving without giving me a hug.
[hugs Gabe]
Kelly: Ugh.
Gabe: Okay, you know what? You don't need to make that sound.
Kelly: I'm sorry. You just were a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be.

Gabe: [Walking in to the crowded conference room with a cupcake] Happy birthday to Gabe!
Nellie: Oh, get out, Skeleton Man!

Erin: Michael knows everything there is to know about snacks.
Michael: Well.
Erin: Gabe was born in 1982. He was the longest baby in the hospital.
Michael: He's the longest baby in this room.
Erin: What's the longest thing you've ever seen? For me it was the trail from a jet...
Gabe: Erin you don't have to...
Michael: Yeah, you know what, Erin, you do have to.
Gabe: Michael, you are making this harder than it has to be.
Michael: [Dead Serious] That's what she said.

David: Douglas, how's the wife?
Douglas: She died.
David: Attaboy.

Gabe: I need to talk to you!
Erin: You can't be in here! This is a lady's bathroom.
Gabe: Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here every time you go if that's what it takes.
[Toilet flushes. Creed exits a woman's bathroom stall]
Erin: Hi, Creed.
Creed: Not cool, man.

Jim: Holly, will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Stanley: Marry me, Holly.
Holly: No.
Michael: That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
Oscar: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That marriage would be a sham.
Gabe: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: Easy no.
Angela: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Ryan: Will you marry me, Holly?
Holly: No.
Michael: Only one that I was kind of worried about.

[first lines]
Pam: Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Jim: Oh, great.
[reads]
Jim: "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.
Phyllis: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
Pam: It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Jim: Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Pam: Yeah, he does.
Oscar: Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Pam: Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Phyllis: Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Pam: Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Jim: Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Angela: Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Pam: Okay, which one of these looks more right?
[holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]
Dwight: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
Gabe: [bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Jim: Okay, quick. Who says moustache?
[Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]
Dwight: Yep.
Jim: Who says no moustache?
[Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]
Gabe: [reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!
Phyllis: He does have a moustache.
Dwight: Yes!
Pam: Welcome back, Stanley.
[Stanley grunts]