50 Best Phyllis Vance Quotes

Phyllis: You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder

Dwight: Boycott the Steamtown mall! Everyone, you heard me. Cancel all your business with the Steamtown mall!
Phyllis: The mall itself, or the stores in the mall?
Dwight: All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks.
Ryan: America's one big mall!

[Michael interrupts Phyllis, Angela, and Pam as they're preparing Ryan's welcome-back party]
Michael: [as Phyllis and Angela put up a banner] Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.
Phyllis: Did you plan that?
Michael: [as he looks at his notes] No.
Pam: [Pam grabs and reads off the notes] "Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that." How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael: Blowing up balloons, I thought.
Pam: "You might want to trim it a little"?
Angela: Michael...

Dwight: [on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of Handsome and Stinky: Paper Brothers for Hire.
Jim: Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.
Dwight: Oh, God, this again? You're Stinky.
Jim: Okay, there's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.
Dwight: Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.
Phyllis: I have ears, Dwight.
Dwight: Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears.
[back to Jim]
Dwight: See what you leave me with here, Jim?
Jim: Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.
Dwight: How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Jim: Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
Dwight: Hmm. That's a good... question. 300 times...
[Jim hangs up]
Dwight: 180... Um that comes to 25 minutes.
[realizes Jim hung up]
Dwight: Yes. Oh, well, thank you, Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.

Kevin: [Angela and Phyllis are hanging up a banner for the Launch Party] Isn't 7:00 p.m. a little late for a lunch party?
Angela: [to Phyllis] Lunch party? It's supposed to say "Launch Party." What is wrong with you?
Phyllis: [cuts to confessional] Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw, so I googled, "How to deal with difficult people." And I got all of this.
[she holds up a few sheets of paper with information]
Phyllis: So we're gonna try out some new things today.
Phyllis: [it cuts back to the office] So, how do you feel about the fact that the banner says "Lunch"?
Angela: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
Phyllis: [Phyllis looks down at the sheets of paper] I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be awful.
Angela: It is awful. You've made this day awful.
Kevin: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Angela: Then it would say "Lanch Party," Kevin. Would it really be better if it said "Lanch Party"?

Phyllis: I can't be around sad people, it just makes me sad.
Stanley: I'm the same around horny people.

Kevin: [Kevin's voice in a video of Cookie Monster] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them.
[all laugh]
Andy: This is awesome!
Oscar: Thank you. It didn't even take that long.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga,
[Kevin arrives behind the group]
Kevin: a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.
[Kevin speaking]
Kevin: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that.
[all continue laughing]
Phyllis: Say "Me eat cookie."
Kevin: No. I won't say it.
Dwight: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.
Ryan: It's Kevin as Cookie Monster from Sesame Street.
Dwight: [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I love that show.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Ryan: Good work, buddy.
Oscar: Thank you.
Dwight: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.
Oscar: Yes.
Kelly: Me, too Oscar.
Ryan: C.C. me.
Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela: This is my favorite day.

Jim: All right, well, enjoy the alumni game.
Dwight: Good, we have a deal?
Jim: Thanks, Janet.
Dwight: Thanks so much, Earl.
Jim: Wow, simultaneous sale.
Dwight: And they said it couldn't be done. Boom!
Jim: Screw 'em.
Andy: Lot going on, guys. What's happening?
Jim: Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs.
Andy: That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It's like a festival of poo.
Jim: Hey, hey, come on, language.
Dwight: Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.
Jim: In the fridge.
Dwight: No, Jim, the butt, in his butt.
Jim: Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers. There's too many potential clients.
Stanley: You two better watch yourselves.
Phyllis: Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy you're taking New York clients.
Robert: Shh... shh...
[vomits in trash can]
Jim: Robert?
Oscar: Why did Binghamton close?
Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and - how should I say this - Columbian whites. What - what is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin: The branch closed. Forever.

Phyllis: We have a gym at home. It's called the bedroom.

Phyllis: Why isn't Dwight turning around?
Oscar: The Prius is silent if he keeps it under 5 miles per hour. He deserves the win.

Phyllis: [about Crime Aid, the charity auction] I think it's a fun idea.
Michael: Thank you!
Phyllis: We could auction all things that we do for each other, like cleaning or tennis lessons, my sorority did it all the time.
Michael: Ok, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into, a real sororities so you had to kind of form your own?
Phyllis: Move on, Michael.

Jakey the Stripper: Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever.
Phyllis: Angela, special repairman is here.
Angela: Wait, what is this?
Meredith: Shut up! Jakey?
Jakey the Stripper: Mom?
Pam: Wait, wait, what?
Jakey the Stripper: Oh man!
Meredith: No no no no, just do your work. Pretend Mom's not here.
Pam: That seems inappropriate.
Meredith: Give 'em a good show, my little entrepreneur.

Phyllis: Hey, Jim, remember flonkerton when you did Office Olympics? It was awesome.
Jim: Thanks Phyl.
Creed: I still have my medal from that.
Angela: Do you even have a mattress?
Creed: No, but I still have my medal from that.

[In the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']
Kevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin: I don't know.
Pam: It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis: That sounds right.
Michael: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?
Ryan: As an object.
Kelly: Ryan used *me* as an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that...?
Pam: How did he use it again?
Toby: It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...
Michael: Thank you!
Toby: ...to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

Phyllis: I'm sorry. Do you have any American Mexican food?

Michael: [Michael has just finished writing a pros and cons list about Jan] Done.
Pam: Read the pros first.
Michael: Ok, Jan is smart, uh, successful, good clothes, hot, perfect skin, nice butt.
Phyllis: She does have very nice clothes.
Karen: Ok, ok, uhm... cons.
Michael: Cons: wears too much make up; breasts, not anything to write home about, insecure about body, I'm unhappy when I'm with her, flat-chested...
Pam: What was the last one?
Michael: She's totally flat, shrunken chesticles.
Phyllis: No, the one before that.
Michael: I'm unhappy when I'm with her.
Pam: [pause] Michael, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
Michael: I'm happy sometimes. Uhm... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex.
Karen: Look, most relationships have their rough patches, you just have to push through it sometimes.
Michael: Man, that's smart.
Pam: Maybe. But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other.
Michael: That sounds good too.
[Pam and Karen look at each other, and the latter acts uncomfortable]
Michael: I don't know who's right. I just, I don't know. I don't know.
Phyllis: I bet you know, don't think, just answer, what you wanna do about Jan?
Michael: I wanna break up with Jan.
[Realizes his answer]
Michael: Wow! I wanna break up with Jan.
Phyllis: [Everybody smiles] My mom taught me that.

[first lines]
Pam: Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Jim: Oh, great.
[reads]
Jim: "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.
Phyllis: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
Pam: It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Jim: Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Pam: Yeah, he does.
Oscar: Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Pam: Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Phyllis: Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Pam: Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Jim: Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Angela: Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Pam: Okay, which one of these looks more right?
[holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]
Dwight: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
Gabe: [bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Jim: Okay, quick. Who says moustache?
[Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]
Dwight: Yep.
Jim: Who says no moustache?
[Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]
Gabe: [reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!
Phyllis: He does have a moustache.
Dwight: Yes!
Pam: Welcome back, Stanley.
[Stanley grunts]

Phyllis: [to Pam] Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.

- And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.
Phyllis: No, we're not. No.
Dwight: Yes, you are.
- And another thing, Helen mirren was born Helen mironoff.
- That's right, you're fake salivating over a Soviet-era Russian.

Andy: I left my cell phone in my car.
Phyllis: Call us when you get there, so we know you're okay.

[Phyllis, dressed as Santa Claus, is handing out the Secret Santa gifts while Michael, dressed as Jesus, sits sullenly in a chair heckling her with a karaoke machine]
Phyllis: [to Dwight] This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch.
Dwight: We don't have a North Pole branch, idiot.
[he jumps up and snatches the parcel out of her hands]
Michael: [sarcastic and deadpan] Uh-oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is it?
Dwight: [opens the parcel to reveal another assembly piece for his gift] YES!
Michael: Oh yes, it's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.
[sing-song]
Michael: Deck the halls with crappy gifts...
Phyllis: [moves to Stanley] And Stanley, ho ho ho! You've been very good this year.
[she hands him a small box]
Stanley: I have.
[he takes the box and opens it]
Michael: Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible, people. What'd he get?
Kevin: He got scented candles.
Michael: Oh, well that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going, better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockeysticks. Going to hell, Stanley.
Angela: Amen!
Phyllis: [moves to Angela and hands her a wrapped parcel] And this brings us to you, little one.
Michael: I can't see from here, people. Somebody shout it out. Don't make me get up.
Angela: [opens the parcel] It's fabric. I really wanted this.
Michael: That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
Angela: Andy, was this you?
Phyllis: It's a secret. It was a secret.
Michael: No, Andy had... Erin.
Andy: [uncomfortable] That...
Pam: Michael!
Phyllis: You...
[sighs exasperatedly]
Michael: [sarcastically] What, was I not supposed to say...
[Jim shuts off the karaoke machine, cutting Michael off]
Michael: Wha... Turn it back on.
Jim: No.
[Michael drops the microphone, gets out of his chair and petulantly stalks into his office, slamming the door behind him]

Jim: [deleted scene] All right, guys. You know how we all like the red licorice but it's always buried behind, like, a ton of black licorice? Bought it all. Now it's like red city in there, so enjoy it.
Phyllis: Money bags. Must be nice.
Andy: So you effectively spent, what, four dollars on the entire office?
Jim: I can't get a handle on it. Am I cheap or rich? I can't...
Andy: You're nothing. When I think about all the gas money I spent on you. Washing my car to make sure you looked good.
Jim: Well, enjoy the red licorice. And good riddance, right?
Darryl: Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you just gonna throw away perfectly good food?
Jim: It's not really food, right?
Creed: I'm really hating this Jim guy!
Jim: Okay, okay, okay.
Stanley: I know what you can do, Jim. Take those black licorice, then go get some of those red licorice. Take them in your hand, roll 'em up real tight...
Jim: And shove it up my butt!
Stanley: Damn it, Jim! You stole my afternoons, now you stole my line! It's not shove it up your butt, it's I'll kill you! I'll kill you dead!
Darryl: Eat it.
Jim: I'm not gonna eat it.
Darryl: Eat... it.
Jim: I'm not going to...
Stanley: EAT IT!

[in the sitting area, writing down the numbers of women to set Michael up with]
Stanley: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.
Phyllis: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway. He can just deal with it.
Pam: Who are you putting down?
Jim: Oh, you don't know her.
Pam: Who is it?
Jim: Your mom.
Pam: Yeah, whatever.
[Jim smiles and shows her the card]
Pam: Give that to me! Give that to me.

Andy: Everyone stop what you're doing. I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.
Angela: What?
Andy: He's gone, dammit! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail, and he's staying in Florida forever.
Angela: So he's alive?
Andy: Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
Angela: Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.
Andy: How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place.

Michael: Okay, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Michael: No.
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael: No.

Phyllis: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
Meredith: [Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
Nellie: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?
Kevin: Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
Dwight: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Jim: Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
Kevin: No.
Angela: No!
Jim: Done, right?
Angela: No.
Stanley: No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Meredith: Topless Christmas.
Creed: Tapas Swiss Miss.

Phyllis: I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues and he's stupid.

Phyllis: Hi, are there any local companies that rent anti-gravity machines?
Woman on the phone: Anti-gravity machines?
Phyllis: That's right. Yeah.
Woman on the phone: What do they do exactly?
Phyllis: They make you feel lighter...
Woman on the phone: Anti-gravity... uhm... Antidepressants? I can put you through to someone on that.
Phyllis: Okay.

Meredith: Guys, do we have to stay all day?
Phyllis: I mean Michael's gone can't we just go?
Creed: Yeah, and I finished my work months ago.

Andy: Morning, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Don't care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy: What?
Kevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed; it's like my life is buffering.
Andy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam...
Pam: That's true.
Andy: They had, uh... weapons.
Pam: Weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job, Andy.
Kevin: Yeah
[all murmuring]
Andy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Phyllis: As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it just feels good to be represented on one.

Pam: Who do you think will get the job?
Kevin: Karen, she looks corporate, those little pantsuits.
Phyllis: I think it's gonna be Michael.
Oscar: Do you really think he's qualified for that job?
Phyllis: No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now and he got that one.

Phyllis: [in her game character] "I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept."
[Michael gasps]
Dwight: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm the butler. What, you were listening in on that? Oh, you rich people, you think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!
Michael: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.
Dwight: I will poison your food.

Andy: For dinner I went South of the border, and then went South of that border, and we have ourselves a Jamaican feast mon.
Phyllis: If I wanted Jamaican food, I would just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.

Phyllis: Jim, just go.
- Hey, we'll be just fine.
- Thanks, guys.
- All right, here we go. Let's go.
Andy: Oh! [Sighing]
- Phew!

Bachelorette: Who ordered the man-burger well done?
Bachelorette: Hey, hot stuff. One less fling.
Bachelorette: Come and ride the choo-choo. The sex choo-choo.
Bachelorette: Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?

Phyllis: You're bad at this, too!
- Don't answer that call!
- Just transfer the damn call.
- Your call is very important to us.
- Okay, way to go.
- My maid died.

Phyllis: [dancing] MOTHER

Phyllis: Ow, my ankle!
Dwight: What happened?
Phyllis: I... twisted it.
Dwight: You weren't even moving!

Andy: Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Stanley: Not again.
Andy: What do you mean "again"?
Stanley: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy: Well, maybe like a year ago.
Stanley: Mmm. Seems recent.
Andy: No, that's...
Oscar: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy: Everyone, I've noticed that we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley: World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.
Oscar: That's right.
Andy: It's the world's only international sport, so...

Phyllis: I'm happy that this was all filmed so I can remember everyone and what we did. I worked for a paper company all these years and I never wrote anything down.

Phyllis: What should I have? Corn dogs? I mean...
Pam: I'm going into labor.

Michael: [discussing Phyllis' friend Sandy] Could we share a rowboat? Could... could a rowboat support her?
Phyllis: ...What are you asking?
Michael: I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average-sized rowboat support her without capsizing?
Michael: [long pause] It bothers me that you're not answering the question.
Phyllis: No, all right? No, she can't fit in a rowboat.
Michael: Dammit, I knew it. I knew it, Phyllis! Okay...

- Andy, was this you?
- It's a secret.
- No, Andy had Erin.
Phyllis: It was a secret.
- Pam: Michael! Phyllis: You...
- What? Was I not supposed to say?
- What? Turn it back on.

Karen: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.
Michael: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And it proves my point. Women can do anything.
Karen: I'm saying that you're being sexist.
Michael: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
Karen: That's the same thing.
Phyllis: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Phyllis: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.
Michael: Because... That was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
Angela: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.
Michael: I have to know whether you're serious or not.

Erin: Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this itinerary?
Pam: [glances at it] Looks great.
Erin: Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't.
Pam: Okay.
[picks up and reads sheet]
Pam: The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence?
Michael: There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox.
Phyllis: What's "Scott's Tots"?
Stanley: [begins laughing uproariously] Has it really been ten years?
[cut to talking head with Stanley]
Stanley: [shows newspaper article and reads] "Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders"!

Michael: Excuse me, everyone. SEX! Now that I have your attention...
Stanley: You don't have our attention.
Michael: MONEY!
Stanley: I'm listening.
Kevin: You had me at sex.
Michael: Pervert.
Phyllis: You have all of our attentions just by screaming anything.
Michael: That's good to know. AAAAH!
Pam: What do you want to say, Michael?
Michael: Wuphf!

Phyllis: I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.

Phyllis: If you really want someone, go get them.

- that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on.
- Are you kidding me? No.
- And you guys are okay with this?
- She sent an email.
Phyllis: I did.