700 Best Michael Scott Quotes

Michael: Why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?

- I bought that specifically for Pam. Yankee swap!
Michael: That's what makes it fun.
- Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now. I'll take the iPod.
- And I have to give it to her?
- I don't have a choice?
- Yes. Now, you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift.

Michael: Yeah, sure. You know business. Sitting up here in your ivory tower
[gestures toward the black professor]
Michael: and your ebony tower. Well, you know what? I tell you one thing: Dunder Mifflin is here to stay.
Business: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
Michael: David will always beat Goliath.
Business: But there's five Goliaths. There's Staples, OfficeMax...
Michael: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America: Al-Qaeda. Global warming. Sex predators. Mercury poisoning.

Michael: The watermark, it's a one-time thing.
Barbara: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Dwight: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Michael: Okay.

Michael: [shouting] Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II.

Michael: You're on the street and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl: Oh my goodness.
Michael: Yeah, so, what do you do to get him to make it right?
Darryl: Well, see, um, in the gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers.
Michael: What is that?
Darryl: That's where if somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just start tickling them.
Michael: Really?
Darryl: Yeah. Then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon, you laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Y'all can just go to church together, and get ice cream cone.
Michael: I would have never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.

Michael: I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but now I know that that's just silly. Because she's dead. What do you do?
Dwight: Wait till next year's chair catalogue comes out and find someone who's still alive.

Michael: So, this is one of my favorite places in the world.
Holly: Why?
Michael: This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. It was the happiest day of my life... until the day you came to replace him.

Michael: If this were Russia, yeah. Sure, everybody would go to one Santa and there would be a line around the block, and once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted. You would say, probably, "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.

Creed: Uh, boss, we're out of paper.
Michael: Yeah, I noticed that.
Creed: Uh, can you add anymore?
Michael: Nope.
Creed: He don't give an f about nothing!
Michael: I have got big balls.

Michael: [reacting to Erin covering her face with her hair and hyperventilating] What are you doing?
Kelly: In the foster home, my hair was my room.

Michael: Okay, everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control...
Dwight: Impulsivity and inattention to detail.
Michael: Hey, hey. I have opened a box, which should not have been opened...
Dwight: Terrible mistake.
Michael: And distributed things which should not have been distributed.
Dwight: Undistributable.
Pam: Well, maybe we can put the box back together.
Dwight: Impossible. He opened it like an ape.
Oscar: I think we can do it.

Michael: Hey, Should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
Oscar: The Hospital will provide dictionaries... Bring a thesaurus

Michael: Comedy's very much alive, as are homeless people.

Michael: [Hears everyone laughing] What's so funny?
Pam: You had to be there.
Michael: Oh, a geography joke.

Michael: Why is my office black?
Dwight: To intimidate my subordinates.
Michael: That's stupid.

Michael: Hey. Hi. Do you - would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom. I just figured you might have...
Helene: Oh, yeah -
[hands Michael a snack]
Michael: Oh! Eww... apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or...
Helene: No.
Michael: Oh... okay. Were you saving it?
Helene: Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I was just - I've had a very rough weekend.
Michael: I'm sorry.
[puts food in his mouth]
Michael: Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes.

Michael: Phyllis is getting married and I am in the wedding party. She's asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary, it is like I'm paying for the wedding, which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the Bride.

Michael: Another time, Packer held this guys head in the toilet for like a minute. The guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.

Carol: [regarding the new condo Michael is buying] It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael: [unsure] Oh, good. That's good. It's good to be accomodating of that.
Dwight: Let's go check out the master bedroom.

Michael: [Discussing with Oscar, who is obviously gay, his upcoming colonoscopy] Should I have a safe word?

Karen: Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight: Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen: I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground!
Jim: Dwight...
Michael: [Clears his throat after a long pause] Granted. Maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as hurt a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground.

Michael: Thank you Scranton Strangler, I love you. You just took one more person's breath away.

Pam: Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with.
Michael: Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing.
[pause]
Michael: I don't know, maybe we're different people, I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Pam: Oh my God.
Michael: Argh... and then watching it back right afterwards to improve my form.
Karen: That is not healthy behaviour.
Michael: No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.
Pam: Michael, you need to get out of this.
Michael: No, she's just fooling around. It's a woman thing.
Pam: No, normal women don't do stuff like that. This is bad.
[There's a short pause and then Michael starts crying]

Michael: Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm going to tell her. Number one, "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." And the reason is because in terms of the soup, we like to... That doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.

Michael: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming, and would applaud as I walked away.

Toby: [joking] Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style, are we?
Michael: [serious] Get out.
Toby: Oh. Sorry.
Michael: No. This is not a joke. What you said was offensive... and lame, so double offense. This is an environment of welcoming, and... you should just get the hell out of here.

Michael: That kid's going to have a lot of hair.

[blooper]
Michael: I see the sales department are down there, they're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal *into* the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic.
Phyllis: Everyone in the engine room drowned.
[entire cast erupts in laughter]

[Michael attempts to assemble a basketball team and Oscar, of Mexican descent, approaches]
Oscar: I can help out if you need me.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season. Or if we box.

Michael: My favorite restaurant closed down.
Jo: I hate that.
Michael: My new favorite restaurant sucks.

Dwight: [pushing Michael's face into wet cement] Force it in as deep as you can.
Michael: [muffled] That's what she said.

Michael: I love inside jokes. Love to be part of one someday.

Dwight: There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.
Michael: What's that?
[Dwight closes the office door]
Dwight: Frame him for using drugs.
Michael: Frame him?
Dwight: Yeah. It's illegal, but, everything they do on "The Shield" is illegal.

Michael: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela a heart and for Kelly a brain. "Michael. How can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?" You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.

Michael: [regarding the end of a relationship] When people say something's mutual it never is. But this was mutual.

Michael: Deangelo's great. I love the guy. But I'm not sure he's a good fit for the office. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.

Michael: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self-fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school.

Michael: You have no idea how high I can fly.

Michael: Okay. Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
Creed: [to film crew] I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Michael: We'll get someone to clean that up.
Darryl: We're the ones that gotta clean that up!

Dwight: Hope... grows...
Michael: In a dump.

Michael: I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

Dwight: Thank you, Mr. Scofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh
[looks down to read the business card notes]
Dwight: and tell me, um. How's your gay son?
Mr. Schofield: [pause] Excuse me?
[awkward silence]
Michael: [cut to Michael's talking head] I color code all my info. I wrote gay son in green. Green means go. So I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange, means orange you glad you didn't bring it up. Most colors mean don't say it.
Dwight: [cuts back to Scofield's office] How is, uh, Tom. The homosexual sophomore?

Michael: So you're in town this weekend? Cause I'm not. I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town.
Holly: Ohh, so you can't make my orgy?
[Michael reacts confused]
Holly: Kidding!
Michael: [laughing] Kidding! Acting!
Holly: Acting!
Michael: Acting!

Michael: [in backseat of Pam's car] These are not my shoes.

Michael: Why are you here?
Dwight: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.
Michael: Not. I said, not that.

- Not going to make this one.
- Love the hair.
- Morning, Michael.
Michael: Hello.
- They took away my parking space, but they can't take away my pride.
- I would like to invite you all to come along with me on a journey.

Oscar: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want.
Angela: Who would *ever* come to this?
Michael: I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be... uh, old person. I could be a looky-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan. What? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes, without saying... Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady, it seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy. There's really something going on...
Jim: [interrupts] Do you need us for any of this?
Michael: ...Do I?

Michael: I am dead inside.

Michael: This isn't ice cream, Jim. It's mayonnaise and black olives. It's comfort food.

Michael: AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Michael: Hey, congrats on the bonus.
Vikram: Thank you, Michael.
Michael: I'm gonna nab it one of these nights.
Vikram: Well, if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.

Michael: More Tylenol?
Sexy: We've already had four. You're lucky to be alive. That bullet went through every major organ in your body. Your brain, your lungs, your heart, your back, your balls.
Michael: It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn.
Sexy: Let's just make sure that everything's... working properly.

Aaron: [seeing Michael and Dwight soaking wet] What happened to you guys?
Michael: Give it back. The gift basket. Give it back.
Aaron: Oh, wait is this?
Dwight: It's real simple. If you don't appreciate what we do, then give us back our basket.
Aaron: Maybe you should leave.
Michael: Yeah, maybe we should. Maybe we should leave.
[to Dwight]
Michael: Come on, let's leave. But before we leave, my wet friend and I are gonna wait for our cabs on your nice couches!
[he sits on a couch, intentionally getting water all over it]
Dwight: [sarcastically] Could you call us a cab, please? I'm gonna...
[he squeezes his jacket sleeve, getting water all over the couch]
Dwight: Oh, sorry.
Michael: Look, my clothes are so wet.
Dwight: Nice leather.
[scraping his shoes on the couch]
Dwight: Oh, my shoes are so muddy.
Aaron: [puts the gift basket on the table] All right, here you go. Take it back!
Michael: It's been opened.
Aaron: Yeah, it was mine.
Michael: What's missing? The turtles... Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?
Aaron: Come on, guys, get outta here!
Michael: [screams] WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY?
Dwight: [to the office] Excuse me, I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with pecans, and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them. Hand. Over. The. Turtles. Now!

Michael: [writing something down] I've got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

Michael: I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so...
Jim: [interrupting] Okay, well, I lost a ton of money today. And I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed, too.
Michael: Thank you. Jim is with me.
Jim: Absolutely not. I'm mad at you.
Michael: Well, you know what, Jim, it is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Creed: That's not why.

Michael: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house, for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash from the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony, and I had to go inside and my mother was rubbing cream on me for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.

Michael: [deleted scene] Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon.
Oscar: How?
Michael: Exactly. I know. It's amazing.
Oscar: No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or...
Creed: I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong...
Michael: Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.

Meredith: Am I in trouble here or something?
Michael: No. No, this is just a stupid formality.
Holly: No, it's not a formality. Now, were these "meet-ups" just personal, unrelated to business?
Meredith: No. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms.
Michael: Ugh. For the love of God, we're trying to help you, you stupid bag.

Michael: Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.

[as Phyllis is lying on the floor from her back]
Dwight: Hey, hey, hey, hey. I got your text. Who's Phillip?
Michael: No, no, no.
Dwight: [to Phyllis] Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?

Michael: [Enters the office and throws his coat at Pam] Coat!
Pam: [Later, at the conference room] Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his Netflix sent here to the office and he watches them in pieces when things are slow.
Michael: [Yelling from his office] Steak! Where's my steak?
Pam: [At the conference room] He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character.
Michael: Get me Armani.
Pam: A suit?
Michael: On the phone.
Pam: Like the main company number? Cause I'm gonna have to call from information.
Michael: Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You're not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you
[Starts to laugh]
Michael: .
Michael: [Another day, he enters the office, embarassed] I owe you an apology.
Pam: You finished the movie.
Michael: Yeah, it was awesome, big surprise ending. I won't ruin it for you.
Pam: No, go ahead.
Michael: Meryl Streep is the bad guy, you never see it coming. Anyway, if I was mean in any way to you, I'm sorry
[Pam nods]
Michael: I just want what's best for you, Manooshka.
Pam: [Mouthing at the camera, trying to figure it out] Manooshka?
[Later, at the conference room]
Pam: Macushla! He's watching Million Dollar Baby
[Long pause]
Pam: He's gonna try to kill me.

Michael: Luke and I have been working side by side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally, he'll need a little push. And I will do that, and he'll slow down, and then I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids. You have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back, and then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other.

Michael: Is there no way we can get rid of him?
David: Not without cause, Michael.
Michael: I have cause. It is because I hate him.

Michael: Mint chocolate chip!

Dwight: What were your favorite moments?
Michael: Uh... All of them. I loved them all. Every single one of them.
Dwight: What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Michael: God, Dwight.

Michael: [to Stanley] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack. Not crack the drug.

Michael: Today we're headed to a job fair, to get some new blood, to euthanize this place.

Dwight: Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right, Michael? That's what you told me when I contributed.
Michael: You didn't contribute very much.

Michael: I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.

Phyllis: Why don't you take a seat and enjoy the buffet.
Michael: I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
Phyllis: It's fish.

Michael: [deleted scene] Do I need to speak up?
[grabs boom microphone]
Michael: Hello.

Michael: I hope nobody takes this baby, 'cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.
Meredith: I'll take the oven mitt.
Michael: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.
[In his talking head interview]
Michael: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.

Michael: [Pam is having contractions in the office] Oh, oh, oh. 'Contraptions', she's 'contrapting'. Ok, you know what? I think that I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why: I am a licensed class C driver in the state of Pennsylvania.
Jim: Michael.
Michael: I gassed up the car, actually i put diesel in this time, try to save some money.
Jim: Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Michael: Happy to do it. Also, I did a heck of a job babyproofing this office.
Pam: You know the baby's not gonna live here, right?
Michael: Well, the baby was conceived here, so it might as well live here a little bit too.

Michael: [Leaving a phone message for Holly] Hi Holly, it's Michael. I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said, it's just... you know? It's weird, today I ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great, and then when I actually saw them it was mostly a freakshow. And you and me, that must've been a real trainwreck. You know what? Holly, you're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us, and talking to you today, I-don't-feel for them anything like what I feel for you. It's... I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you, you were the only one who was actually happy to hear from me, and I don't know why you downgraded what we had, but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, and you might... you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye!

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael: Today will either be the best or worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Years or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.

Darryl: [trying to talk Michael out of jumping off the roof] Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.
Michael: Do you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

Michael: You've been on the road a long time. And you've been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls.

Michael: You know what? Christmas isn't about Santa or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you... feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you are my wife, and Jim... And Angela and Phyllis, you are my... grandmas. And Stanley, you are... our mailman.

[Michael is a little hurt that he wasn't invited to Ryan's camping trip]
Michael: Just this whole Toby camping thing. I don't know, seems a little lame. I mean...
Jim: How so?
Michael: A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores.
[Michael wavers his hand implying that circumstance warrants homosexuality because it's all guys]
Jim: [about Michael's motions] What's that?
Michael: Oh, I'm on Broken Mountain.
[sniggers]

Dwight: You could assume everyone is and not say anything offensive.
Michael: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.

Michael: I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words 'You're fired.' 'You're fired.' 'Fired.' He just makes people sad. And an office can't function that way.

Michael: She won't say "I love you."
Andy: How many dates have you been on?
Michael: Nine dates. I said it on the second date.
Oscar: That seems... Quick. Even for lesbians.

Michael: Okay, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Michael: No.
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael: No.

Michael: An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.

Michael: [to Toby] This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.

Michael: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians: JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head. And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.

Michael: Man, that Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim: [mutters] Except pass that Breathalyzer.

Michael: There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales.
[pause]
Michael: And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Michael: Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.

Michael: Here is a Kelly complaint. Ryan never returns my calls. Ah, join the club.

Michael: How long have you known about this pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?

[after Michael believes Stanley's bio-feedback machine isn't working right because it beeps anytime he's near]
Michael: Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what he said. Right, guys? Because of gay.

Michael: I just got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I should try to get to know each other better, and I agree. So, what I would like you to do is tell me something that you've never told anybody before.

Michael: I have written these things because it is my responsibility as manager of this branch to profiligate great ideas.

Michael: First guy says, "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."

Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you, you skeevy little perv?
Toby: All right. If you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
Michael: No, no. No, I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on Earth. Got enough, weirdo?

Michael: [whispering] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life, and in the office, As...
Jan: -trid.
Michael: -trid Levinson! Hi!
[holds Astrid up]
Michael: Astrid, this is everybody. Look! This is your family!
[Kevin waves, Dwight smiles]
Michael: You're going to know them for the rest of your life!
Jan: Well...
Michael: Well, he may not be here.
[indicates Creed]
Michael: Say hello! Okay, here we go. Lion King!
[lifts Astrid over his head]
Jan: Woah, Michael Michael MICHAEL!

Michael: [just arrived at party, uninvited, and notices IT guy, who wears a turban] Oh, come on, that guy?
[pauses, looks at camera]
Michael: He is a good guy, not a terrorist.

Ryan: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation. And of course I was wrong to suggest that Dunder Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me.
Michael: Fire you? No, no, no. You are moving to the annex.
Ryan: To the annex? Where Kelly is?
Michael: A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.

[repeated line]
Michael: That's what *she* said!

Michael: Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did.

Michael: Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall.
[knocks on the wall]
Michael: There used to be a window here.
[disappointed]
Michael: There's not anymore.

Michael: Hey guys! Hey, could I stay in your room tonight?
Erin: Oh gross!
Kelly: Blow my brains out.

Michael: Okay, too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.

Pam: Okay, Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you.
Michael: Oh, really? What's her name, Burger King?

Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight: Danger.
Michael: Something with a "K."
Jim: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that.

Michael: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh, no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, that one from the e-mail?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?

Michael: [to the documentary crew] Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs?

Michael: [acting tough after beating Dwight in a fight] You talking to me? You talking to me? "Raging Bull." Pacino.
[elated]
Michael: Oh, I want that footage, I want it. I need it.

Michael: But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Dwight: A saleswoman has a vagina.
Michael: It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a sex ed class.

Michael: My mind is going a mile an hour.
Pam: That fast?

Michael: I hope you're prepared to die in the office, because I am.

[In the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']
Kevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin: I don't know.
Pam: It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis: That sounds right.
Michael: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?
Ryan: As an object.
Kelly: Ryan used *me* as an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that...?
Pam: How did he use it again?
Toby: It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...
Michael: Thank you!
Toby: ...to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

Toby: I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds.
Michael: Literally two seconds?

Michael: You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big, watery, red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.

Stanley: [on the phone] Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she...
Phyllis: It's unbelievable!
Dwight: Excuse me! May I have your attention, please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Pam: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight: Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.
Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight: They are unrelated.
Kelly: Is Brad okay?
Dwight: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
Oscar: What the hell is going on here?
Angela: Are we out of jobs?
Dwight: Yes.
Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.
Michael: He's kidding. Dwight was kidding, and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible.
Stanley: Michael?
Michael: Yeah.
Stanley: You said we were getting bonuses.
Michael: All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it.
Stanley: Cancel the wallpaper.

Michael: [the members of the office are playing a game of "Who would you do?"] Roy? Who would you do, Roy?
Roy: Oh, I got it. What's the name of that tight-ass Christian chick? The blonde?
Angela: [angrily] My name is Angela.
Roy: [without shame] Hey, Angela.
[gesturing to himself]
Roy: Roy, nice to meet you.
Michael: All right, who's next? Who's next? Who's next? Who's... Jim? You're next. Who would you do?
Jim: [There is an awkward pause] Um, Kevin, hands down.
[the group begins to laugh]
Jim: Yeah, I mean, he's really got that teddy bear thing going on and afterwards we could just watch bowling.
Michael: Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan,
[the group stops laughing and Ryan makes an uncomfortable expression]
Michael: 'cause he's gonna own his own business.
Roy: [the camera pans to Roy who is the only one left laughing] You're all gay.

Michael: Okay, this is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots that had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.
Angela: So you fell in.
Michael: No! Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Angela: So a child had fallen in?
Michael: Not yet!

Michael: I kidnapped a kid.
Dwight: You had to. What other choice did you have?
Michael: I could have paid for the pizza.
Dwight: Well, yeah.

Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut!

Michael: Okay, we need a golden-ticket idea to get us out of this mess. Yes?
[Pam has her hand raised]
Pam: Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later?
Jim: Good one.

Michael: Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic school girl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, the best part of my morning is staring at it. But what, are we gonna just take it away?
Stanley: That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girl's school. I'm taking it down right now.

Michael: [arguing] Man, I would love to burn your candles!
Jan: You burn it, you buy it!
Michael: Oh, good, I'll be your first customer!
Jan: You're hardly my first.
Michael: That's what she said!
[Jan picks up one of Michael's Dundie awards and throws it at his $200 plasma screen TV]

Michael: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong.
- Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong.
- There's such a thing as good grief.
- Just ask Charlie brown.
- Let's get back to work.

Michael: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up.

Dwight: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
Angela: Waste of time.
Michael: What's that, pipsqueak?
Angela: Waste of time. The website's going to win.
Dwight: You believe a computer can beat me?
Angela: I don't care, but yes.
Dwight: Well, I will prove you wrong.
Angela: I don't care, and you won't.
Dwight: You'll see.
Angela: I won't be watching, and I won't.

Michael: [deleted scene, wandering around the room during his diversity exercise] I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad, doesn't it? So let that come out.

Kelly: [after pulling her car up] Get in, quick!
Michael: Why quick?
Kelly: So it's faster!

Michael: Guess what? I have flaws, what are they? Oh I don't know, I sing in the shower, sometimes I spend too much time volunteering, ocasionally I'll hit somebody with my car, so sue me. No, don't... sue me, that's the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael: Kelly...
Kelly: I was raped.
Michael: You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that.

Michael: We're gonna leave the blinds open, so everybody can see what a big failure you are.

Dwight: Nice babies your making with floozies at the bar!
Michael: That's my wife your talking about man!
Dwight: Your made-up wife, who doesn't exist?

Michael: It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about
[looks at his watch]
Michael: 2:00 in the afternoon.

Jim: [deleted scene] Um, what's going on here?
Pam: People treat us like the race on our forehead. And then we guess what race we are.
Jim: Ah, good. Good luck. Doing good.
[goes to the index cards and writes another race down]
Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman?
Jim: Yes, yes.
Dwight: God!
Jim: How embarrassing is it? That's not fair. Here...
Dwight: It's not fair.
Jim: Try this.
[takes Dwight's 'Asian' race and switches it with the one he wrote]
Dwight: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Jim: Go get 'em.
Dwight: Good.
[clears throat]
Dwight: So, am I a hunter gather culture?
Pam: No.
Dwight: Do I live near a harbor or an ocean?
Pam: No.
Dwight: No, I'm an inland. Am I a mountainous?
Pam: No.
Dwight: Am I nomadic?
Pam: No.
Dwight: Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I got this. Um, I am treated in a foreign way with a great deal of prejudice. Am I one of those tribes in Africa? The piggies, or whatever?
Pam: No.
Dwight: No. But I am, I am human, right?
[Pam hesitates, Dwight's new race is 'Dwight']
Dwight: I could be French.
[takes his 'Dwight' race off his forehead]
Dwight: Damn it, Jim! That's not funny, Jim!
Michael: Oh, okay. Here we go, breakthrough radar. What happened? What happened here?
Pam: It didn't have anything to do with race.
Michael: Okay, all right. Let's keep on track. Keep on point. Let's do it.

Michael: [over the walkie-talkie] We are in the stairwell.
Dwight: We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.
Jim: Okay, you know what? You really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.

Michael: [deleted scene] What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least.

Michael: Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?

Michael: Sort of a guys' night out. A G.N.O., if you will. A gno. Actually, it's more of a guys' afternoon in. A G.A.I. A gay.
[the girls all snigger]
Michael: Not... Not... It's not gay. It's just a... It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.

Michael: Um, I'm sort of a master of distraction.
- When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class.
- Try to think, "what were the first 13 colonies?"
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Michael: I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Jim: Oh, you want me to be you?
Michael: Yes. I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.
Jim: Oh, are you firing Creed?
Michael: No, no. No, that's just first... thing. Can't... in head.
Jim: We should switch seats in order to...
Michael: Yes, that's a good idea.
Jim: Alright.
[Michael and Jim switch seats]
Jim: I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal...
Michael: Aaaaaaaaa I'm gonna kill myself!
Jim: Wow.
Michael: I'm going to kill myself! And it's your fault!
Jim: That's an overreaction.

Michael: [reading the customer survey] "Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant."
Jim: I think he means smug.
Michael: Arrogance.
Jim: Michael, I'm just trying to...
Michael: [interrupting] And there's our smudgeness.

Michael: Well, here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.

Kevin: Woah, I love her. How much for that?
Michael: I uh... I actually don't know why I brought that because It's kind of priceless.
Holly: 10 dollars.
Michael: Mhmm, no I paid 500 dollars for that.
Kevin: 200.
Michael: 500.
Holly: 20.
Kevin: 45.
Michael: Get lost.
Kevin: Damn it.
Michael: That is how you do it.
Holly: You know we don't have to sell that if you don't want to. If it's a problem with the neon I can have my neon guy take a look.
Michael: You know it's really more for a bachelor pad. I just want to get a fair price.
Holly: Well we could put it in storage... in case.
Michael: In case... in case of what?
Holly: You know... in case if something changes.
Holly: I don't have an in case. Do you have an in case?
Holly: Nope.
Old: How much for the slip and slide?
Michael: Get lost.

Michael: [rides into office on very old and very used 10-speed bike and stops at Pam's desk] Hey! I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops... with mint.
Pam: Can I help you, Michael?
Michael: I'm looking for the Toy Drive box.
Pam: It's behind you.
Michael: [turns around to see Toy Drive pile full of brand-new, unopened toys. Leans his old bike against wall] Okay. Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it will fit, with all these little knickknacks.
Jim: Wow. What kind of bike is that?
Michael: Um. I don't know. Average kind.
Kevin: That tires look pretty worn.
Michael: Well, that is probably from the test drive.
Jim: But the paint is chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael?
Michael: No.

Ryan's: Seven new messages. First new message:
Michael: Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.
Ryan's: Next message:
Michael: Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad.

Michael: But, you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.
Holly: I'm real.
Michael: Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass.

Michael: I want you to rub butter on my foot.
Pam: No.
Michael: Pam, please? I have Country Crock.

Michael: You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.
Phyllis: Oh, we wouldn't do that. We love Stevie Wonder.

Michael: [Carol exits office after breaking up with Michael] I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled.
Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday.
Michael: Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.
Stanley: What does that mean?
Michael: [voice starting to break] Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

[Michael has made it to the front of the pretzel day line]
Michael: Hi, please tell me you have a sweet pretzel left.
Pretzel: We do.
Michael: Thank God.
Pretzel: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&Ms, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallows, nuts, toffee nuts, coconut, peanut butter drizzle, Oreo, sprinkles, cotton candy bits and powdered sugar.
Michael: Is there any way that you could do all of them?
Pretzel: The works. You got it.
Michael: All right! Thank you.
[smiles]

Lester: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
Michael: 6 years and 2 months.
Lester: And you were directly under her the entire time?
Michael: That's what she said.
Lester: Excuse me?
Michael: That's what she said.
Lester: Ms. Levinson told you that she was your direct superior?

- All right, let me explain, again.
Michael: Phil has recruited me and another guy.
- Now we are getting three people each.
- The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing, the more money we're all gonna make. It's not a pyramid scheme.
- It is a... it's not even a scheme, per se. It's...

[Michael and Dwight updating Jim over the walkie-talkie]
Michael: There's a guy. There's a guy.
Dwight: There's a security guard coming by. Hello. We're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?
[Jim looks at the camera]
Security: Okay.
Michael: Oh, my God. That was very close.
Dwight: I can see the security guard's eyes.
Jim: No. No. Don't do anything to them.
Dwight: I have to do something to his eyes.

Michael: It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.

Jan: Remember, it's not just a pattern; it's a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
Michael: Dis ray. My friend Dis Ray got new specs. Dis ray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Jan: ...Does this work for you?

Michael: Myth: Three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: FOUR Americans every year die from rabies.

Michael: I have been saying the word 'manager' a lot, so whenever Jo thinks 'manager', she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vice versa.

Michael: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it could get us both in trouble. So, officially, I did not see her.
[smiles]
Michael: But I did see Jan there... in our room... at night... and in the morning.
[tries not to smile]
Michael: And that's all I'm going to say.
[pause]
Michael: Sex. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.
[smiles into camera]

Michael: I have to say that I'm so impressed with the potential that you see in me.

[Michael is driving himself and Dwight back from an attempt at buying a new condo]
Dwight: You know, you can always refinance your mortgage. We
[he and his cousin]
Dwight: had a 15-year on our beet farm, we paid it off early.
Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight: People love beets.
Michael: Nobody likes beets.
Dwight: Everyone loves beets.
Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.

- Bring it in! Come on!
- What's goin' on?
- What is goin' on?
- You guys are playing like a bunch of girls.
- You know what? Let me take Roy.
Michael: All right, we'll switch.
- Take it up a notch. Come on.

Michael: Finishing that 5K was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccini Alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Well, today, I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end, my guts and my heart. And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. I'm very, very proud of that.

Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: What?
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: That doesn't really make any sense. 'Cause you don't call them collard people. That's offensive.

Michael: That is a $200 plasma screen TV that you just killed! Good luck paying me back with your zero-dollars-a-year salary plus benefits, babe!

Michael: A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meridith or Kevin. I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?

Hannah: Look what's on his computer!
Michael: What is that, a squid's eye, or...
Hannah: It's my left breast.
Michael: How did you...
Creed: Right place at the right time.

Michael: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives. They're adults, for God's sake.

Erin: Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this itinerary?
Pam: [glances at it] Looks great.
Erin: Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't.
Pam: Okay.
[picks up and reads sheet]
Pam: The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence?
Michael: There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox.
Phyllis: What's "Scott's Tots"?
Stanley: [begins laughing uproariously] Has it really been ten years?
[cut to talking head with Stanley]
Stanley: [shows newspaper article and reads] "Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders"!

Dwight: Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore.
Michael: It's a fake wheel, dummy.

[Michael and Pam arrive at the Utica branch; a pregnant Karen walks out to meet them]
Karen: Hi, guys!
Michael: Oh my god... is that Jim's?
Karen: [angrily] What?
Pam: Michael...
Karen: Of course not!
Michael: Okay, wow... oh man! My head just exploded. Woo, thank god for everybody, right? Hoo-kay. Wow, you're huge! That's... incredible! I g-god, sorry. Sorry, my head is... I'm just... I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...
Karen: [interrupts] Let's just get this over with, shall we?

Michael: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

Michael: And you already know Dunder Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff?

Kevin: [trying to figure out who in the office was a convict] Martin?
Michael: Oh, you are such a racist.
Kevin: Wait, why am I a racist?
Michael: Because you think he's black!

Jan: Well, how about we do the short tour, and then I'll start dinner.
Pam: Oh, I can help starting dinner, if you need it.
Jan: Oh, no, no, no, it's just the osso bucco, needs to braise for about three hours. Everything else is done.
Pam: Three hours from now, or three hours from earlier, like 4:00?
Jan: You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight.
Michael: When in Rome.

Pam: I know alot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It's that time of year. And, according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat.
Kelly: I heard your mama has more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat.
Michael: Thats true. Thats true. I dated her mama. And you know what?...
Jim: Stop.

Michael: [regarding Andy] I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness.

- You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family?
- What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?
Michael: Shh! Thank you.
- Or should I say, gracias.

- Come on, now.
Michael: I'm fine.
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Look, would you... look_.
- We'll get somebody to clean that up.
- We're the ones that gotta clean that up!
- I feel very blessed.

Michael: [deleted scene] Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?
Pam: I guess.
Michael: Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.
Pam: What?
Michael: Messages?

Ryan: [talking about Michael hitting Meredith with his car] Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We are fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is "We're fine"?

Jim: What did you do, Prison Mike?
Michael: [pretending he went to prison] I stole and I robbed and I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom.
Jim: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
Michael: And I never got caught, neither.
Jim: Well, you were in prison, but... Mm-hmm.
Pam: Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison?
Michael: Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

- Why no kids?
- Yeah, where are your kids?
- Nope. Uh-uh. Not today.
Michael: It is
- St. Patrick's day, and here in Scranton, that is a huge deal.
- It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

Michael: Oh, okay. Grade A gossip for you right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.
Todd: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why. You don't know? Oh, okay, check this out. All right, so here's the story. So Randall is nailin' his secretary, right, and she is totally incompetent.
Michael: Really? Here we go. Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy one!
Todd: We are talkin' "blonde" incompetent, right? Like, uh, ten words a minute. Talking.
Michael: Well, to be fair, blondes, brunettes, you know, there are a lot of dumb people out there.
Todd: They *are* women, right?
Michael: Ohh! Wow! I didn't say it, I didn't say it!
Todd: I said it!
[Todd and Michael laugh maniacally]

Michael: I'm really disappointed in the office's policy on PDA at this moment.

Michael: [talking to David Wallace] So I was in the office. And I look over to our accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I have never seen before, and... I call over to Kevin, "Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?" And he looks at me and he says, "Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket." And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the need
[long pause]
Michael: the need for tweed." So...

Michael: Swag! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my swag!

Michael: Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist.

Jan: All right, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You emailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.
Michael: Fine. I love you.
Jan: I love you too.

Michael: Hey, Pam, all this stuff with Kevin, um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking, uh, the next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam.
[Pointing towards Pam's breasts]
Michael: Those things are like ticking time bags.

Michael: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special, who died, and then I want you to say how they died. And you may cry if you like. That is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And, at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone. And I am crying, and nobody can hear me because I am terribly, terribly, terribly alone.

Michael: You know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done.
[Everyone looks around at each other]
Michael: Very well, then you're all punished.
Pam: What's our punishment?
Michael: You're all in time-out. Just sit there quietly.
[Phyllis' phone rings and she starts to answer it]
Michael: No, no.

Michael: Hey, Snyder, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?
Lester: A good start. And I think it's busload.
Michael: Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus.
[to Jan]
Michael: Where did you find this guy?

- You missed it. You missed it. [All groan in disappointment]
Michael: "Grandpa, where were you the day
- "the Scranton strangler was caught?"
[In gruff voice] Well, I was there, kiddo. I was there.
- And I'll tell you what, you go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship.

Michael: I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael: Which one is that again?
Dwight: That's when they remove the uterus.
Michael: Oh, God! Dwight, no.

Michael: My God, if you're wearing a dress, please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that.

Michael: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Michael: Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?
Dwight: What's up-dog?
Michael: Gotcha!
[laughing]
Michael: Oh, God. Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?
Dwight: Good. How are you doing?
Jim: [mouthing] So close.
Michael: Damn it.

Toby: [Deleted scene] When Ryan came here, uh, you really idealized him.
Michael: No, just the opposite. I thought he was the coolest kid I ever saw.

Michael: I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown mall.
Toby: You fell into a second fountain?
[trying to suppress laughter]
Toby: Can you kick me out of the meeting now?

Michael: [On the phone] Yes, it's Alfredo there? May I speak to the manager then? Ok, could you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get my discount on the eight pizzas I ordered? Yes, I know that it's not on the coupon. Also, I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas, uhm, just for our...
Jim: [to MIchael] Ransom.
Michael: ...Trouble. Ok. Alright
[Hangs up the phone]
Michael: .
Jim: What did he say?
Michael: He said no.

Michael: So, Ryan got promoted to corporate where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas, back here in Scranton, I am still top dog in a fairly large pond. So, who is the real boss, the dog or a fish?

Margaret: Michael?
Michael: [after taking a look at her] Ugh.
Margaret: Are you Michael Scott?
Michael: Is who Michael what?

Michael: [eating cereal] Jan made me breakfast this morning. Well, she bought the milk.

Angela: You already did me.
Michael: That's what she said.

Michael: Let's face it. Most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're cavemen. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing eight-inch heels. And to be wearing see-through underpants. But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.

Michael: Stanley Hudson, you are fired.
Stanley: Are you serious?
Michael: I am serious. We are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.

Michael: All right, everybody out except Phyllis.

Michael: Excuse me, everyone. SEX! Now that I have your attention...
Stanley: You don't have our attention.
Michael: MONEY!
Stanley: I'm listening.
Kevin: You had me at sex.
Michael: Pervert.
Phyllis: You have all of our attentions just by screaming anything.
Michael: That's good to know. AAAAH!
Pam: What do you want to say, Michael?
Michael: Wuphf!

Michael: You know what, Pam, would you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?
Pam: Oh, my God. That's a woman's suit.

Michael: Todd Packer and I are total "BFF." "Best Friends Forever." He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out, and we met this set of twins, and Packer told them that we were brothers.
[giggles]
Michael: And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought them back to the motel, and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.

Michael: When I was 16, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie, but there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him on my birthday. And she got him a cake at the restaurant, and it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So, that was the worst birthday I think I've ever had.

Michael: So when can I see you again?
Holly: Tonight, I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? I don't care, I'm free tonight.
Michael: Ok. Oh wait, oh, tonight's no good. Because I'm busy taking you out.
Holly: Oh I just remembered, I can't tonight.
Michael: Why?
Holly: I'm going out with you.
Michael: Wow! Oh, wait a second. Oh, I can't tonight. What... no? Ok, too many times.

- Yes.
Michael: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape other than by using magic.
- That is the magician's code.
- Separately on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...

Michael: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.

Michael: [on phone] Michael Scott calling for David. Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible.

[frustrated that no one is showing him sympathy for his burned foot]
Michael: I burned my foot! Okay! 20 minutes! Conference room! EVERYBODY'S IN THERE!

Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Oscar: I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael: Well, you can't swim in leather pants.

Michael: So, what we do is we drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.
Pam: Separate rooms.
Michael: Well, that goes without saying.
Pam: I'm gonna say it anyway.

[Michael is on the roof and Dwight is below with a bullhorn]
Michael: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight: Michael, what's wrong?
Michael: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed out"?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael: Yes.

Michael: [filming video] Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly's engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it's not.
Erin: [giggles] Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said it's snot. I am so sorry.
Michael: Okay, so killing yourself.
[laughs]
Michael: I was just thinking about snot.

Holly: [On Michael's office phone] This is Holly.
Michael: No, this is Holly.
Holly: No, *this* is Holly.
Michael: No, this is Holly.
Holly: No, this is Michael Scott.
Michael: Busted! So what can I do for you Holly?
Holly: I'm calling because of a terrible car accident.
Michael: Oh really? Was anyone killed?
Holly: A *lot* of people.
Michael: Any nuns?
Holly: Three nuns, missionaries from South Africa.
Michael: Were they in the missionary position?

Michael: All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department.
Charles: Hey. I come from accounting, too.
Michael: Nerd alert! This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino, and he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart, but he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever, and I'm very proud of him for that.
Charles: [shaking hands with Oscar] Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you. Good.
Michael: This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. The one over there, in the orange.
[pointing to Andy]
Andy: Heyo!
Michael: [looking around] Heyo. Where's the other...
Charles: You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.
Michael: Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin, and he has no sexual history.

Edward R. Meow: [Michael and the employees' kids are watching the young Michael on an old puppet show] So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Young: I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow: [Long pause] Uh... oh, okay. Well, nice talking with you, Michael. Back to you, Miss Trudy.
Melissa: [after Michael turns off the clip] Did you get married?
Michael: Uh, no.
Abby: Why not?
Michael: Uh, it just never happened.
Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
Michael: Uh, nope.
Jake: Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael: I do okay.
Melissa: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Jake: Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael: Okay. All right. Okay.
Sasha: So, you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.
Michael: [pause] I guess not.

Michael: I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work at corporate with Jan. That would be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but... New York is like Scranton on acid. No, on speed. No, on steroids.

Jan: Well, Michael, I just... I underestimated you.
Michael: Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me.

Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was... He was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and we all took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it any more?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me, like, an hour and a half to tell that whole story.

Michael: Okay, this is it.
[runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight]
Michael: This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like "Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person." It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else.

Michael: What have we learned? Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Because it's illegal.

Michael: Well we should head out.
Meredith: No, no, no, you gotta stay. I have Vienna Sausages, and I have napkins. Let me fix you breakfast.

Michael: So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?
Jim: What?
Michael: I can't imagine the sex being bad. I mean, her body is awesome.
Jim: Okay, you know what? Why don't we play that alphabet game you were talking about?

[Michael is asking Dwight who should be fired on Halloween. Michael is wearing a papier-mâché replica of his head on his shoulder and Dwight is dressed as a Sith Lord]
Michael: [to his papier-mâché replica head] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
Dwight: Who is he saying?
Michael: [gasp] You're right. I didn't even think of him.
Dwight: No, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight: No. No. Not me.
Michael: Yeah, I could.
Dwight: Not Dwight.
Michael: I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight: I know that's what he said.
Michael: [to his papier-mâché replica head] What?
Dwight: Tell him not Dwight.
Michael: [to his papier-mâché replica head] That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight: Tell him to stop.
Michael: [to his papier-mâché replica head] Are you kidding?
Dwight: [to Michael's papier-mâché replica head] Quiet, you!
Michael: [to his papier-mâché replica head] I agree. He'd land on his feet.
Dwight: Make him be quiet.

Kevin: Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool.
Michael: That's... you didn't... You weren't hurt by that.
Kevin: Yep, you said, "affected" by it. Thanks again, Meredith.

- Roy has a connection.
- It's nicer than you think.
- You're inviting Jim? Of course, he's one of my closest friends.
Dwight: All right.
- You ready? Here we go.
- Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember.
Michael: Come on.
- We're down here in the front.

Michael: I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
Stanley: Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael: Shut it, shut it, shut it.

Michael: I have no idea how you sit like that.
Holly: Yoga.
Michael: [Imitating Yoda] Sit on floor, put together chair we will
[Holly gives him a blank stare. Michael starts to giggle uncomfortable]
Michael: Yo-da.
Holly: [Also imitating Yoda, much to Michael surprise] Pass curvy metal piece, you will.

Jan: What's wrong with you?
Michael: I don't know. Was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

Michael: There are five stages to grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they are all denying the fact that they're sad, and that's hard, and it's making them all angry. And it is my job to get them all the way through to acceptance, and, if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.

Michael: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.

Michael: Just hit me, you'll see.
Jim: I can't, 'cause I just got a manicure, so...
Michael: Oh, queer!
[remembers he's on camera]
Michael: Eye... "Queer Eye." That's a good show. Important show.

- Okay. Good. Good.
- Well, here's the thing.
- Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier, other people are complaining about the chairs.
- Is that the copier?
Michael: It is. Yes.

Michael: It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
[sees man in a turban outside]
Michael: Oh my God. Ohhh.
[dials phone number]
Michael: Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here.
[goes out onto office floor]
Michael: Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.
Jim: Are we in danger?
Michael: There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody.
[knock at the front door]
Kevin: Michael, should I call the...
[Michael waves his hands]
Kevin: What?
Michael: [talking to the camera] The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.

Michael: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you got to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.

Michael: I know they wanted cash, but I give them cash every week. How much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

Jan: Sometimes a manager like yourself has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael: When have you ever done that?
Jan: I'm doing it right now. To you.

Michael: Pleasure to meet you, Ms. Bennett.
Jo: Uh, that's Mrs. Bennett, sweetheart. My husband and I are divorced, but I kept the Mrs. just to piss off the new wife.

Pam: You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party.
Michael: Yeah. I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody.

Michael: Man, what a day, huh? How could it get any worse? The computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident and then... Prinkles! God... That's three things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed. And we need to do something about it.

[Michael is still on the phone asking for someone to pick him up for work]
Michael: Pam, could you come get me?
Pam: Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone.
Michael: Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan?
Phyllis: Michael, you should stay home and rest.
Michael: There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell him that?
Kevin: Can you hop?
Michael: I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a "protruberance".
[long beat]
Michael: Nobody wants to come and pick me up?
[everyone stays silent as Dwight enters]
Dwight: What is going on? What is going on?
Pam: Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him.
Michael: I'm not sick! I'm burned!
Dwight: I'm coming Michael!
Jim: Oh...
Dwight: [shouting at the speakerphone] I'm gonna save you!
Michael: Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight.
[Dwight's already halfway out of the office]
Dwight: Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there!
Michael: I DON'T WANT DWIGHT.
Pam: Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend?
Michael: [dryly] I don't have a girlfriend.
Jim: But you said that you went out with her this weekend.
Michael: [still dryly] It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight.
[all of a sudden, everyone hears a car crash coming from outside]
Jim: What was that...
Pam: What was that?
[Everyone rushes to Michael's window to see that Dwight has collided with the front gate with his car]
Jim: Oh!
Pam: Ohhhhhh!
Jim: He hit the pole! It's broken, right? He can't...
[Dwight stumbles out of the car in a stupor]
Pam: Oh, my gosh.
Jim: Oh, Dwight, Dwight.
[Dwight proceeds to puke all over his back windshield]
Jim: Ohhhhhh!
Jim: Oh my God!
Pam: Is he okay?
Jim: He's still driving...
[Dwight gets back in his car and drives away]
Jim: Dwight, you forgot your bumper!
Michael: [still on speakerphone] Hello?
[beat]
Michael: Please don't send Dwight.

Pam: I have Ben Nugent on the line, he's the top salesman in Utica.
Michael: Hi Ben, Michael Scott.
Additional: Hi, Michael.
Michael: I'm gonna cut right to the chase here, do you like magic?
[pause]
Michael: Because I'm a genie in a bottle and I am going to grant you three wishes: to move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.
Additional: Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with you car?
Pam: [Giggles]
Michael: [to Pam] Get out
[She leaves]
Michael: Uh, I... yeah, I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby
Additional: Uh, everyone says the Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stamford quit, like immediately?
Michael: No, i fired them, and yo're next
[Long pause]
Michael: So what do you say?
Additional: Seriously?

Michael: I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen "Antz." But I'll tell you something, what I respect about that man is that when he was going through all of that stuff that came out in the press, about how "Antz" was just a ripoff of "A Bug's Life," he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which, again, was "Antz." Thing is, I thought "A Bug's Life" was better, much better than "Antz." Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.

Michael: [after Pam has walked away] I would never say this to her face, but she's a wonderful person and a gifted artist.
Oscar: What... why wouldn't you say that to her face?

- Disgusting.
Michael: Look at him.
- With his stupid face.
- Stupid tan.
- Yeah. He looks great. Well-rested.
- No. He looks worse.

Michael: He's always up in my biznezz, which is Ebonics for being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.

Creed: [spying on David and Jim] They've been in there a while.
Michael: Yeah.
Creed: Can't be good.
Michael: Nope.
Creed: Think they're talking about me?
Michael: No, I think they're talking about me.
Creed: Yeah, that makes way more sense. Okay, thanks boss.

Michael: [to Toby] I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.

Michael: Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.

[Michael sees everyone getting up to leave]
Michael: Oh, my God! Okay, it's happening! Everybody stay calm.
Dwight: What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?
Michael: STAY
[bleep]
Michael: CALM!

Michael: If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. It actually, probably, it would be a better... screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

Michael: Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?
Jim: It's a pen.
Dwight: Michael, come on.
Michael: Get back to work, Dwight. Please.
Dwight: Fine.
[clears throat]
Dwight: Hey. Tap away.
[Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on; Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically]

Michael: Productivity is important, but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain that I cannot get out? And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So, I'm just gonna have my soft pretzel, I'll get to work and I'm gonna be super-productive. Look out for me!

Dwight: Maybe we should skip the ceremony and set up a college fund for Meredith's kid.
Michael: Have you met that kid? Not going to college.

Ryan: [cleaning out Michael's car] Wow. How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat?
Michael: That's over several months, Ryan.
Ryan: Still...

Michael: [watching Oscar get into a man's car in the parking lot] Oh, there's Gil, Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows.

Michael: I want you to think about your future at this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight: That's what she said.
Michael: Don't... Don't you dare.

Phyllis: [in her game character] "I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept."
[Michael gasps]
Dwight: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm the butler. What, you were listening in on that? Oh, you rich people, you think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!
Michael: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.
Dwight: I will poison your food.

Michael: You know what they say the best medicine is?
Kevin: Well, the doctor said a combination of interferon and Dacarbazine.
Michael: And laughter, also.

Michael: And the Tight Ass Award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has a great caboose. So, come on down.
Angela: No.

Michael: [about Luke's laser] Okay, can I have that?
Luke: No.
Michael: Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Michael: Five, four.
[Luke counts with him]
Michael: I'm not kidding.
Luke: Three, two, one.
[Luke still mocking Michael with the counting]
Michael: Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
Luke: No!
Michael: [bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke: What the...
Michael: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke: What the hell was that?
Michael: I had to do that.
Luke: Hey,
[bleep]
Luke: this! Screw it!
Michael: All right. Are we good?
[Luke runs out crying]
Michael: You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Kevin: That was awesome!
Stanley: Texas justice.
Kelly: Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
Creed: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
Jim: You follow him on Twitter?

Michael: People, this is Scranton, and many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.

Michael: I am a big "Fear Factor" fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually. So this is sort of like my audition tape.

- Well, we are here now, so let's go.
Michael: Yes! Yes!
- I have so much joy in my heart right now. How do I look?
- You look great.
- You look great.
- Wear a tie much?

[as David Wallace congratulates Dwight for the golden-ticket idea and Michael tries to get Dwight to admit it's not his]
Jim: You're talking to Dwight Schrute, the biggest "Wonka" fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.
Michael: What?
Jim: [to Dwight] You know what, I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea, and, for that, I apologize.
Dwight: Apology rejected.

Michael: Oh, hey, Karate Kid. The Hilary Swank version.

Michael: Are you ready to give me my discount now?
Delivery: No.
Michael: Ok, what have you been doing in here this whole time?
Delivery: What kind of business is this?
Dwight: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.
Michael: Alright, Dwight, knock it off.
[to the delivery kid]
Michael: You better think about what you're doing, young man.
Delivery: You better think about what you're doing.
Michael: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, you're a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everybody else. Because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk.
Delivery: Sales?
Michael: Yes, sales, you sell pizza, last time I checked that's called sales.
Delivery: You're such a loser.
Dwight: What did you just call him?
Delivery: A loser.
Dwight: What did you say?
Delivery: A loser.

Michael: [rhetorically] Don't think a woman can be a man? Well, then that's *your* stereotype, not mine.

Ryan: Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael?
Ryan: [to camera] Does she leave the room when she makes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex?
Ryan: [Back in Conference room] Does she...
Michael: Yeah, she does all that.
Ryan: Sorry, dude.

Michael: Can I give you a piece of advice?
[Gabe nods]
Michael: A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, which will make you look less like a transvestite.

Michael: [reading Dwight's complaint] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gad!

Michael: If I were joking you would be laughing. Do you look like you're laughing?
Dwight: Impossible to say, I can't see myself.
Michael: You're not.

Toby: Well, you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder, Rory Flenderson. You should look him up.
Michael: [through his teeth] OK...

Business: How far has your Herfindahl Index declined since the merger?
Michael: Nice try. How's your Polack-says-what Index?
Business: What?
Michael: Thanks, Kowalski.

Michael: When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I watched Cookie Monster sing Chocolate Rain about a thousand times.

Jan: [barging into David's office] You son of a bitch.
David: Jan, this isn't the time. I'm in an interview.
Jan: You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
David: Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.
Jan: Erratic?
David: Recently you haven't even shown interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office; you spend most of the day online shopping; you disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days, always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale; you go to Scranton far more often than you need to...
Jan: [takes off jacket, exposing cleavage] Is it because of these?
Michael: [sulking outside of office] Whoa, hey, whoa, Jan...
Jan: I wanna know! I wanna know because if it is, then-then I will see you in court!
David: It's not. It's not.
Jan: [indicating Michael] 'Cause he likes them, okay? He likes them! A-and that is all I care about.
David: The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable.
Michael: Hey, you're unstable.
[David glares at Michael]
Jan: Yeah!
Michael: Nope. We're all unstable, so...
Jan: Okay, you know what, I'm just not leaving! I'm not leaving! I'm not leaving.
Michael: David, I did not tell her.

Michael: [camera cuts to private interview with Michael as he tries to avoid having to fire someone] Yeah, I went hunting, once. I shot a deer in the leg... had to finish it off with a shovel. It took about an hour...
[pauses, looks at camera]
Michael: ... why do you ask?

Jan: So, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.
Michael: Oh, actually I need the car.
Jan: Why? For improv? Why don't you just pretend that you have a car?

Michael: [to Dwight] You'll have pancakes, and you'll like it.

Michael: I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.

Oscar: Hey. I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word "bankruptcy" and expect anything to happen.
Michael: I didn't say it. I declared it.

Michael: [to whole office] I... declare... BANKRUPTCY!
[Later, Michael is in his office cutting credit cards with scissors. Oscar comes in]
Oscar: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael: I didn't say it, I declared it.

Michael: You know what they say? "Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice... strike three."

Michael: Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider, though, is that not all monsters are bad.

Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke.

Michael: Well, that's not gonna fly here, because in this office, it is till death do us part. Assuming that we don't get downsized.

Michael: And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.

Michael: Well, well, well. So, you are Jasmine Windsong.
Jasmine: Sorry. I don't sign autographs.
Michael: I don't need your autograph. I have Nora Dunn's autograph, Jack Kemp's autograph and Jerome Bettis's autograph.
Jasmine: That's not a bad collection.
Michael: I'm looking for some people.
Jasmine: I don't know about any hostages.
Michael: Who said that they were hostages?
Jasmine: Stranger, I don't know what you're talking about.
Narrator: Michael knew that the only way to get Jasmine to tell him where the hostages were was to make her fall in love with him. And to do that was to be himself.
Michael: Well, maybe, I should tell you a little bit about me. I love Billy Joel songs, and I love fish sandwiches. I love babies and I love puppies. And I actually like to think of puppies as baby dogs. I don't know. That seems a little weird. I'm part Bruce Wayne, part Bruce Willis and part Bruce Vilanch.
Jasmine: Just stick around my set. I think you'll find it very informative.
[she uses the microphone]
Jasmine: Hello, everyone. I'm afraid this might be my last performance. This one goes out to anyone who has been held hostage.
[she starts singing]
Jasmine: I love-
[Michael Scarn records her singing and plays it in reverse]
Jasmine: The hostages are under the stadium.
[a toxic dart from Goldenface's minion lands on her throat]
Michael: Check, please.

Michael: [deleted scene] Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool.
[to his crew]
Michael: Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going.
[camera shows Devon sitting outside with West Nile]

Michael: [Near tears] I can't do this. All the channels are going to be different there. I'm not going to be able to find my shows. I am not going to start Improv at level one. I don't think my credits are going to transfer. And you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote.

Michael: I know. Grumble, grumble, but you would follow me to the ends of the earth grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from "Lord of the Rings."
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight: Just trying to be helpful.
Michael: [mimicking Dwight] "I'll help. Elwyn Dragonslayer. Ten points, power sword."
Jim: That's him.

Michael: What I would like you to do is take this folded note and deliver it to Toby Flenderson. I want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. Do not read it beforehand! Can you do that for me?
Pam: Sure.
Michael: Good!
[Pam opens the note]
Michael: No no no no, don't...
Pam: Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle. I am too shy to tell you that I love you.
Michael: [grabs the note] Dammit, Pam. You gave me your word.

Karen: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.
Michael: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And it proves my point. Women can do anything.
Karen: I'm saying that you're being sexist.
Michael: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
Karen: That's the same thing.
Phyllis: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Phyllis: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.
Michael: Because... That was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
Angela: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.
Michael: I have to know whether you're serious or not.

Michael: Who is kafkaesque? I've never- I don't know him.

Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family.
[...]
Michael: Today, I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah. Like a specialist.

Michael: [to Jan] If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no space to cuddle.

Michael: Ready to play some games? Let's do it!
Kevin: Michael, the baby's already been born.
Michael: Yeah, duh...
Kevin: So, we had games planned, but the baby ruins all of them.
Michael: [angrily] No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin. Okay? The baby... multiplies the fun. Let's just... do what you were going to do.
Kevin: Okay... who wants to guess when the baby will be born?

Michael: So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey, Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year, but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Ryan an iPod.

Michael: U-G-L-Y/You ain't got no alibi./You ugly.
Michael: Huh, huh.
Michael: You ugly./You mama say you ugly. Hey!/Go Michael Scott Paper Company!

Michael: Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.

[upon realizing he is the source of Stanley's stress]
Michael: So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's.. great twist. Great twist.

Michael: Today is my b-day and people around here just go crazy for it, I don't know why. Oh, fun fact: I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So I've a perfect ice breaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.

Michael: I don't care if he killed his entire family, he's like a son to me.

Kelly: It is so boring where we work. I mean, It's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue.
Michael: Hey, hey! It's as interesting as a morgue.

Michael: [Holding "World's Best Boss" mug] I bought this for myself.
[Takes out Dundee award for Best Boss]
Michael: And yesterday they gave me this.
[Throws mug away and puts award in its place]
Michael: I still need something to drink from, though.

Mr. Brown: [deleted scene] HERO, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.
Michael: I just think that HERO? It's cute, but it's... It's empty, you know? It's easy. Dwight, you know what, I came up with some terms of my own. Could you put these on the board? The first one is Inclusion, New attitudes, Color-blind...
Mr. Brown: Oh, nice.
Michael: Expectations...
Mr. Brown: Good.
Michael: Thank you. Sharing...
Mr. Brown: Great.
Michael: And Tolerance.
Mr. Brown: Beautiful.
Pam: Um, that spells incest.
Mr. Brown: Oh my. Sorry. That is not appropriate.
Michael: Well, it's not ideal but you have to give me some credit 'cause I made it into a word.
Mr. Brown: Yeah, but it's not appropriate. This is not helpful as a memory aid.
Michael: I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We're all a family, right? We're all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally...
Mr. Brown: Okay, Michael, I just...
Michael: No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally.
Pam: It would've been just as easy for him to spell insect. Of course, that wouldn't have made any sense either.

Angela: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That would be hot. I'd pay to see that.

Kevin: I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted.
Michael: Okay, you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.
Kevin: Awesome.

Deangelo: [shouting into microphone] I wanna th- I wanna- I feel truly blessed, uh, to be working with all of you. You know, before this all started, uhh funny story I was in the bathroom, vomiting and vomiting in that men's room.
Restaurant: Okay...
Deangelo: [shouting] That's why it's been shut down for most of the evening.
Restaurant: That's it!
Michael: This is important, he's expressing himself.
Deangelo: [shouting] Deangelo, hosts don't get Dundies.
Restaurant: No!
Deangelo: [shouting] This, this is truly special for me...
Michael: No, just let him...
[manager unplugs amp]
Deangelo: [still shouting] And, uhh, anyway. It's so much lighter...!
Michael: Okay, we're done. That's it.

Assassin: I got a delivery for you.
Michael: Leave it at the reception.
Assassin: I'm supposed to deliver this one in person.
[he reveals a gun, trying to shoot at Scarn repeatedly until the bullets ran out. Scarn shows off two guns and kills the assassin]
Michael: Clean up on aisle 5.

Michael: Pam, I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me.

Michael: I think that fate put this catalogue in my hands.
Pam: Actually, I put the catalogue into your hands, 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

Michael: [holds up his injured foot, which is wrapped in plastic] What does this look like to you, Stanley?
Stanley: Mail Boxes Etc.

Michael: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went... I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

[after extensively discussing Oscar's homosexuality]
Michael: ...At least we put this matter to bed. That's what she said.
[pauses, nods contemplatively]
Michael: Or he said.

Dwight: [chanting] Utica! Utica! Utica!

Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth the Stripper: "Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone."

Michael: There is no movie called Willy Wonka! It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!
Pam: It's actually based on the book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Michael: [reading Dwight's complaint] "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
Jim: [to film crew] Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.

Michael: I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep and try it all again the next night.

Michael: As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face, I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover car and a hover house. And my wife is a runner, and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together. And I'm happy. And I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me.

Jim: Holly, will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Stanley: Marry me, Holly.
Holly: No.
Michael: That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
Oscar: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That marriage would be a sham.
Gabe: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: Easy no.
Angela: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Ryan: Will you marry me, Holly?
Holly: No.
Michael: Only one that I was kind of worried about.

Michael: [about the delivery kid being held against his will] You need to let him go.
Michael: Let go our little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?
Jim: Yes.
Michael: You know what, Jim? The world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.
Jim: Yes, but not by kidnapping.
Michael: I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want.
Jim: As a hostage.
Michael: I think you're overthinking it.
Jim: I think you're underthinking it.

Michael: I am going to be Cupid. And I'm going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims and they are going to get hit and say, "I'm in love. I was hit by Cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.

Michael: Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out. And in doing so, they just let it go and walk away. Then they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I have found. Doesn't translate.

Jim: [in regards to "Lazy Scranton"] It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day. "The Scranton Witch Project."
Michael: [In the video] I am so scared when people don't label their personal food.

Michael: [to a Ben Franklin impersonator whom he thinks is a stripper] Hello! You wearing a thong?

Michael: Andy, you go.
Andy: [in a British accent] William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.
Jim: Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.
Michael: No! No! I need two men on this! That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time!

Michael: It's not a popularity contest. Although it does makes sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.

Toby: Hey, I need to talk to you...
Michael: Not now, not ever.

Michael: You walk out that door and it is over.
Carol: I know.
[walks out door]

Michael: I'm too depressed to save the big game, Billy. I'm at my low point.
Billy the Bartender: When you're sad, you don't do your job no good. And this country needs you to do your job good.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Billy the Bartender: I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know how's. Hey, kid!
[he throws a quarter to a boy]
Billy the Bartender: Hit G9 on the jukebox!
Michael: No. Don't, Billy. I haven't done that dance since my wife died.
Billy the Bartender: This isn't just about you anymore. There's a whole crowd of people out there who need to learn how to do the Scarn.
Drunk: The Scarn? Sounds gay.
Michael: It is gay. And straight, and black, and white, and young, and old, and cool. Check it!

Michael: I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Michael: You know what, Phyllis? I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because, if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

Michael: Why do you have a diary?
Dwight: [whispering] To keep secrets from my computer.

Michael: I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.

Oscar: So typical of management to spend money like this. Bunch of boobs.
Michael: Hate to break it to you Oscar, but some of us like boobs.

Michael: I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me.

Michael: You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party.

Michael: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself!

Michael: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.

Minister: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Phyllis: I do.
Michael: [yelling] Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
[silence, several people glare at Michael]
Minister: And do you, Bob, take Phyllis...
Michael: [softly] Shh...

Jim: [Michael's hands are tied to the rail of the Booze Cruise ship] What happened to you?
Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim: Right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking?
Michael: Yeah. He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.
Jim: What a night.
Michael: Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
Jim: She was always engaged.
Michael: Roy said the first one didn't count.
Jim: That's great. You know, to tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam. So...
Michael: Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow! I would have never put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that.
[sighs]
Michael: You know, I made out with Jan.
Jim: Yeah, I know.
Michael: Yeah, yeah. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim: Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm, and she's just... Anyway.
Michael: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
Jim: She's engaged.
Michael: BFD. Engaged ain't married.
Jim: Huh.
Michael: [Uncharacteristically serious] Never, ever, ever give up.

- All right, hey, Dwight...
- Whoa!
Dwight: Hike.
Michael: You all right, Ryan?
- Ryan?
- Yeah.
- Pam!

Michael: I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Michael: I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Pam: Hey. I wanna say something. I've been trying to be more honest lately, and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk. Just... I did it. Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss. Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist. Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just, like, weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford. And I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy. And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else. And that's fine. It's... Whatever. That's not what I'm... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt. The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim, and to everyone else in the circle, I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am gonna go walk in the water now. Yeah. It's a good day.
Michael: Pam! That was amazing! But I am still looking for someone with a sales background.

Michael: Okay, I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?

Michael: My resolution? I never wanna make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.

[Phyllis, dressed as Santa Claus, is handing out the Secret Santa gifts while Michael, dressed as Jesus, sits sullenly in a chair heckling her with a karaoke machine]
Phyllis: [to Dwight] This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch.
Dwight: We don't have a North Pole branch, idiot.
[he jumps up and snatches the parcel out of her hands]
Michael: [sarcastic and deadpan] Uh-oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is it?
Dwight: [opens the parcel to reveal another assembly piece for his gift] YES!
Michael: Oh yes, it's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.
[sing-song]
Michael: Deck the halls with crappy gifts...
Phyllis: [moves to Stanley] And Stanley, ho ho ho! You've been very good this year.
[she hands him a small box]
Stanley: I have.
[he takes the box and opens it]
Michael: Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible, people. What'd he get?
Kevin: He got scented candles.
Michael: Oh, well that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going, better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockeysticks. Going to hell, Stanley.
Angela: Amen!
Phyllis: [moves to Angela and hands her a wrapped parcel] And this brings us to you, little one.
Michael: I can't see from here, people. Somebody shout it out. Don't make me get up.
Angela: [opens the parcel] It's fabric. I really wanted this.
Michael: That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
Angela: Andy, was this you?
Phyllis: It's a secret. It was a secret.
Michael: No, Andy had... Erin.
Andy: [uncomfortable] That...
Pam: Michael!
Phyllis: You...
[sighs exasperatedly]
Michael: [sarcastically] What, was I not supposed to say...
[Jim shuts off the karaoke machine, cutting Michael off]
Michael: Wha... Turn it back on.
Jim: No.
[Michael drops the microphone, gets out of his chair and petulantly stalks into his office, slamming the door behind him]

Michael: If I am fired, I swear to God that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it.

Michael: [Reading past complaints that Dwight had made about Jim] "Every time I typed my name, it said diapers."
Jim: [to film crew] Just a simple macro.

Michael: [to Oscar] Hello, Oscar Meyer weiner lover.

Pam: [trying to sound inspirational] I know you, Michael. I saw you naked.
Michael: [still very depressed] You don't... You don't know me. You've just seen my penis.

Michael: [Michael has just finished writing a pros and cons list about Jan] Done.
Pam: Read the pros first.
Michael: Ok, Jan is smart, uh, successful, good clothes, hot, perfect skin, nice butt.
Phyllis: She does have very nice clothes.
Karen: Ok, ok, uhm... cons.
Michael: Cons: wears too much make up; breasts, not anything to write home about, insecure about body, I'm unhappy when I'm with her, flat-chested...
Pam: What was the last one?
Michael: She's totally flat, shrunken chesticles.
Phyllis: No, the one before that.
Michael: I'm unhappy when I'm with her.
Pam: [pause] Michael, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
Michael: I'm happy sometimes. Uhm... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex.
Karen: Look, most relationships have their rough patches, you just have to push through it sometimes.
Michael: Man, that's smart.
Pam: Maybe. But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other.
Michael: That sounds good too.
[Pam and Karen look at each other, and the latter acts uncomfortable]
Michael: I don't know who's right. I just, I don't know. I don't know.
Phyllis: I bet you know, don't think, just answer, what you wanna do about Jan?
Michael: I wanna break up with Jan.
[Realizes his answer]
Michael: Wow! I wanna break up with Jan.
Phyllis: [Everybody smiles] My mom taught me that.

Michael: I printed out 10 ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin read the first one.
Erin: Um, stimulate the nipples.
Michael: Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Kevin: Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
Meredith: I have a shirt like that in my car.
Michael: Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it.

Michael: When I was in charge, this place was like Dave & Buster's, people just hanging out, having fun, eating apps. I don't know, it's like Dave died or something.

Michael: She has a boyfriend.
Pam: I'm so sorry, Michael.
Michael: How could she do this to me, Pam?
Pam: She's not doing it to hurt you.
Michael: I can't do the presentation, I can't-... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God!
Pam: Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but...
Michael: I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay?
Pam: You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing.
Michael: And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.
Pam: Yeah, maybe.

Michael: It squeaks when you bang it. That's what she said.

Dwight: Okay. First, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

Pam: I have doubts about this too. But when one person freaks out, sometimes it weirdly makes the other one calmer. That's one thing I've learned about relationships. I hate that I just used the word relationship.
[Michael comes out in a suit]
Pam: Hey! You look great!
[checks something off her list]
Pam: Let's go!
Michael: Alright.

Michael: I am "King of Forwards." It's how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We're like "Friends." I am Chandler and Joey. And Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

Michael: All right, Kevin, you are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable.
Kevin: I accept your decision.

Michael: Where's Andy?
Oscar: He's on one of his honeymoons.
Michael: What?
Oscar: He made nonrefundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot-air ballooning, and later he's got a couples' massage.

Michael: [discussing rides to visit Meredith] All right, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?
Stanley: You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Michael: Everyone inside the car was *fine*, Stanley!

Michael: And welcome to Crime Aid. "Crime reduces innocence, makes everyone angry, I declare."

Michael: You know what? I love Phyllis. And know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here, give me a kiss, come on.
Phyllis: Michael, come on, you don't have to worry. I'm not gonna report you to HR.
Michael: I'm not... I'm not worried! You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.

Jim: [hearing monster sounds coming out of Michael's office from his computer] It's Monster dot com. Singular.
Michael: Thank you!

Michael: Pam, please clear my phone lines.
Pam: Certainly.
[Pam imitating phone beeping]
Pam: Okay, clear.

GPS: Make a right turn.
[Michael starts to turn right]
Dwight: Wait, wait, no no no, it means "bear right." Up there.
Michael: No, it said right. It said take a right.
Dwight: No, no. Look, it means go up to the right -- bear right -- over the bridge, and hook up with 307.
GPS: Make a right turn.
Michael: Maybe it's a shortcut, Dwight. It said go to the right.
[he turns right]
Dwight: It can't mean that, there's a lake there!
GPS: Proceed straight.
Michael: I think it knows where it is going.
Dwight: This is the lake! THIS IS THE LAKE!
Michael: The machine knows! Stop yelling at me! Stop yelling!
Dwight: NO! IT'S UP THERE! THERE'S NO ROAD HERE!
[It's too late. Michael drives right into the lake]
Dwight: Remain calm, I have trained for this!
[he unbuckles his seat belt]
Dwight: Okay. Exit the window! Here we go!
[Dwight and Michael climb out the windows]
GPS: Make a u-turn, if possible.

Michael: [Michael has called Oscar faggy without knowing Oscar is gay] Listen, man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.
Oscar: Oh, it's fine. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Michael: No. No. No, it's not. I just... I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way. You know? I'm just... I... I can't even imagine the thing... Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime and you could tell me how you do that to another dude.
Oscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.

Michael: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Pam: [deleted scene] One time we had an ethnic festival in Scranton. One time.
Michael: Try my googi, googi.
[Lowering voice]
Michael: Try my googi, googi.
[High-pitched voice]
Michael: Try my googi, googi. Try my...
[Kelly slaps Michael]
Michael: All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly, thank you.
[claps]
Michael: She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time.
[trying not to cry]
Michael: Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right?
Jim: Um, why did she slap Martin Luther King?
Michael: What, huh?
Pam: What card was she?
Jim: I think she wasn't wearing a card.
Michael: It's good. This is good. We got it happening now. All right? Let's keep it rolling. Let's round it up.

Michael: I would like your undivided attention please.
Dwight: You couldn't handle my undivided attention.

Michael: Who else?
- I think it's great that the company's making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us.
- I mean, when I tell people that iwork at dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or...
- And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.

Rose: Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of 100 beats per minute.
Michael: Okay, that's... that's hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim: How's that gonna help you?
Michael: I will divide and then count to it.
Jim: Right.
[gives confused smile to camera]

Michael: Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible.

Michael: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something: higher salaries. Win, win, win. But, you know, life is about more than just salary. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan...
Jan: [firmly] Michael.

Erin: Michael knows everything there is to know about snacks.
Michael: Well.
Erin: Gabe was born in 1982. He was the longest baby in the hospital.
Michael: He's the longest baby in this room.
Erin: What's the longest thing you've ever seen? For me it was the trail from a jet...
Gabe: Erin you don't have to...
Michael: Yeah, you know what, Erin, you do have to.
Gabe: Michael, you are making this harder than it has to be.
Michael: [Dead Serious] That's what she said.

Michael: Jim, Dwight, Ryan, come on, we're going to Asian Hooters.

Jim: [in the car, talking to Dwight and Michael over the walkie talkie, he sees Karen nearby] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Karen's back.
Dwight: Is it Karen?
Michael: Take her to a motel. Make love to her, Jim.
Jim: No. I'm not doing that.
Michael: Just say you want to get back together.
Jim: No. I'm not doing that.
Michael: It doesn't have to mean anything. Just do it for Stanley. Come on, Jim. Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Oh, God.
[groaning]

[Michael strides briskly into the office, casually tossing his overcoat at Pam in reception]
Michael: Coat!
Pam: [to camera] Michael just rented "The Devil Wears Prada". He has his Netflix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow.
[Michael is sitting alone in his office]
Michael: STEAK? WHERE'S MY STEAK?
Pam: [to camera] He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character.
Michael: [to Pam; in a stuffy accent] Get me Armani.
Pam: A suit?
Michael: On the phone.
Pam: Like the main company number? Because I'm gonna have to call information.
Michael: Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you are.
[breaks into laughter]
Michael: [the next day, Michael walks into the office slowly, as if he's realized something he did was horrible last night]
Michael: [low; to Pam] I owe you an apology.
Pam: [realizing] You finished the movie!
Michael: Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you.
Pam: No. Go ahead.
Michael: Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, Mo Chuisle.
Pam: [to camera] Mo Chuisle. He's watching "Million Dollar Baby".
[beat]
Pam: He's gonna try to kill me.

Michael: Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then... Then suddenly she's not your ho no mo'!

Angela: [to Phyllis about misspelling launch on the party sign] It is awful. You've made this day awful.
Kevin: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Michael: [speaking in a hushed voice as he approaches the sign] Oh, lunch party.
Angela: It's supposed to say launch!
Michael: Okay! Wow! Easy booster seat. Nobody cares about this party anyway.
Angela: I care!

Michael: What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.

Michael: Jim is a friend of mine. So the only people this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam, and me.

- Personal hero, cool new guy.
- Okay, I think I'm getting your drift.
- Good, so you see what I'm saying.
- Crystal clear.
- So is this for a movie that you're writing? No.
Michael: Can I use it?

[Toby tries to come on stage during Michael's roast]
Michael: NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY.
[Toby shrugs and sits back down]

Erin: [about Gabe] Why don't you like him?
Michael: What is there to like? He's just... he's a weird little skeevy guy with no waist. Why do you care whether we like him or not?
Erin: I care if *you* like him.
Michael: Why? I'm not your father
[Long pause]
Michael: Alright.
Erin: Ok.
Michael: Go to your room.
Erin: What?
Michael: Go to your room, young lady.
Erin: Uhm... I'm not going to my room.
Michael: You listen to me, you listen good. You are not to see that boy anymore.
Erin: You listen to me, you are not to tell me what to do!
Michael: As long as you are living under this roof, you are going to do what I say.
Erin: I hate your roof!
Michael: Oh, do not raise your voice to me!
Erin: I'll raise it all I want, I'll raise the roof!

Michael: You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

Michael: I've never framed a man before. Have you?
Dwight: No, I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

Michael: Why am I so sad? Am i doing the wrong thing?
Jim: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes goodbyes are a bitch.

Michael: You lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
Dwight: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
Dwight: [to the camera] There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

[Jim talking to Michael and Dwight over the walkie-talkie]
Jim: All right, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.
Michael: [over walkie] We've got something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.
Jim: Isn't that thing huge?
Dwight: It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Jim: No. That is a terrible idea. Don't do this.
[Michael screams over the walkie as there is loud crashing heard, too]
Michael: [groaning] My hip bone! We're wedged between the copier and the railing! I'm stuck. Oh, my left hip!
Dwight: Leave us, Jim! Leave us. Save yourself.
Michael: Help us. No! Don't leave us. We need help, Jim!
Jim: Okay, first of all, stop using my name. And second of all...
Michael: You've got to move out!
Jim: Damn it, guys!
Michael: [to Dwight] Would you move over just a little bit?
Dwight: I'm losing control of my bladder!

Pam: There's nothing new.
Michael: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam: Do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the...
[motions to the camera]

Michael: [singing] Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby!

Mr. Brown: [deleted scene] Thanks for filling these out. I promise this will be quick. We only have about an hour.
Michael: Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour.
Mr. Brown: Does this company have 100 years to erase?
Michael: No, the country.
Mr. Brown: Oh right, more like 200 years.
Michael: Yeah, more like a 1,000.
Mr. Brown: Okay, um. Uh, I'll try to make this quick.

Michael: Used to have two cars, traded them in. Now we're down to one. Good economic sense, although the new car's a Porsche, for her.

Michael: So this is Astird.
Jan: Astrid.

[telling the office how Michael gave her her birthday necklace]
Helene: He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. Nice way to wake up.
Michael: Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to inappropriocity.
Kevin: Because of sex?
Pam: Kevin!
Michael: Hey, please, Kevin. You're fired.

Jim: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael: Oh, yeah.
[scoffs]
Michael: Well, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Dwight: What belt are they?

Michael: I got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great. You know, they just relax, they party all the time.
Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael: Yeah. Gosh. Great.

Michael: [after cutting off the top of the Christmas tree] Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin, and we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.

Michael: Ohhh.
Michael: No, we can't do that. We can't do this.
Michael: Ohhh.
Holly: You're not touching me.
Michael: I don't know what your body feels like 'cause I can't touch it.
Oscar: Okay, this is much worse than before.
Kevin: I agree. This is nasty.
Michael: I'll grab you here.
Holly: And here.
Michael: And I will grab you here anyway.

Michael: May I have your attention, please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.
Ryan: That is not correct.
Michael: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well, guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
Oscar: You did what?
Michael: I drove my car... into a fucking lake!

Michael: Now I know what the founders of Phillip Morris felt like. You just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax, and suddenly, you're just some terrible monster.

Michael: Everybody, may I have you attention, please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
Stanley: Oh, sweet mother of God.
Michael: If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: Or the front of the bus or drive the bus.

Carol: [shows Michael a framed photograph of her two kids, herself and a man on a ski trip. Michael had photoshopped his face in place of Carol's ex-husband's face] What is this?
Michael: [laughing] That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. "Ski-eason's Greetings."
Carol: No. See, we never went on a ski trip.
Michael: [holding back laughs] I know. I know.
Carol: I went on a ski trip two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.
Michael: Right. Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you, in a sense, I was in your heart...
Carol: [interrupts him] Michael...
Michael: ...and next to your kids. What?
Carol: This is so weird.
Michael: I don't understand.
Jim: [to the camera] It's a bold move to photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is "bold" the right word?

Michael: Hoy do you untell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, including Stanley's having an affair. It's like the end of Spartacus; I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is. And that is what makes that movie a classic "whodunit".

Chris: [Michael is at his improv class. He recently had all his "guns" taken away by Chris] Freeze.
Michael: I'm in.
Chris: Do you want to go over the rules one more time?
Michael: No, no, no, no.
[He taps MaryBeth and kneels next to Bill]
Michael: I'm looking in my wallet for some money so you can tell me my fortune.
Bill: [Bill continues with Michael's set-up, miming a crystal ball] I promise it's worth it. Ooh, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.
Michael: What are you-
[He pauses, and then whispers in Bill's ear. Bill raises his hands in the air]
Chris: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael: Nothing.
Chris: Then why are his hands up? Bill?
Bill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.

[Michael is on Jo's private jet, as she asks him what has him upset]
Michael: It has not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.

Michael: [welcoming back Ryan] Look how big he is. Look at you. You are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man.
Kevin: Little old man-boy.

Michael: Well, I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet, old lady on the bus.
Margaret: [long silence] That's incredibly rude.
Michael: Now you ruined it.

Pam: Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna?
Michael: Okay, Pam, she's not invisible, so stop asking silly questions.

Michael: [shouting eagerly] Show us your penis!

Michael: Hey you want some espresso?
Erin: Yeah.
Michael: You gotta keep yourself dehydrated.

Michael: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, someday.

Michael: [deleted scene] Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out.
Dwight: Just drink a lot of water.
Michael: Well...
Dwight: You have to relax your muscles around the bladder.
Michael: I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay?

[last lines]
Michael: Don't sell your implants, please.
Jan: I'm keeping them. I know you like them.

Michael: [reading Dwight's complaint] "Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [to film crew] Yes, five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.

Michael: Heart disease kills more people than balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael: No. No, it's sedentary.
Lonny: Yeah, yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah?
Kelly: Yeah.
Lonny: I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly: Ryan!
Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly: What?
Ryan: Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly: Are you kidding me?

Michael: Help! Oh, God! Oh, help! Help me.
Toby: What happened?
Michael: I fell off the toliet. I'm caught between the toliet and the wall.
Toby: What do you need?
Michael: Not you. Someone else. Get Pam.
Toby: I don't think Pam's gonna wanna come in to the men's room.
Michael: Get Ryan. He needs to lift me up, and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.
[Ryan's eyes widen, as he shakes his head]
Toby: Ryan is dead.
Michael: No, he's not. I just saw him.
Toby: Dead. No. Can you just get up yourself? You only grilled your foot.
Michael: Forget it. I'll just get up myself.

Creed: Hey, coz. Heard you're having money problems.
Michael: No, you didn't.
Creed: Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed: [in confessional] Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to
[holds up a fake passport]
Creed: William Charles Schneider.
Michael: How would that help, Creed? In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.
Creed: You don't go by Monopoly, man. That game is *nuts*. Nobody just pick up Get Out of Jail Free cards. Those things cost thousands.
Michael: That is a good point.
Creed: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start. It's a clean slate.
Michael: Like the Witness Protection Program.
Creed: [simultaneously] Exactly.
Oscar: [simultaneously] Not at all.

Michael: [deleted scene] What's that?
Pam: Wired.
Michael: Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.
Pam: Oh, yeah.
Michael: Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?
Pam: Smoked turkey.
Michael: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.

Michael: Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me. It's about my grandkids. It's about my great grandkids. I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, "That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole..." I don't know. It's a good feeling.

Michael: [leans across to Pam whispering] Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food.
Pam: [whispers] Like... like what?
Michael: I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me.
[Jan serves the food]
Michael: Hey, looks great, babe.
Andy: Yeah, it does!
Pam: I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn't it be me? "Michael's former lover"?

Kelly: [after Michael reads out a memo] That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael: No, it doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
Stanley: Yes, please let us know.

Michael: [deleted scene] All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence, that furry monster.
[imitating monster]
Michael: "I'm gonna get you, downsizing." No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do.

Jim: [Knocks on office door] Michael?
Michael: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going on?
Jim: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.
Michael: Oh, thanks, thanks. It's very cool. It's three bedroom, gay-friendly.

Michael: Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.

Michael: Who's ahead in points?
Pam: I think they're even. At various times you gave Jim 10 points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs-up. And I don't really know how to compare those units.
Michael: Well, check to see if there is a conversion chart in the notebook.
Pam: I really doubt it, Michael.
Michael: Please, just check.

Michael: [in regards to Oscar being gay] I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Business: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?
Michael: I say, "You will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back."
Business: Has anyone ever come back?
Michael: [pause] We don't want them back. They're stupid.

Michael: [reading Dwight's complaint] "This morning I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim: [to film crew] That actually took a while. I had to put more and more nickels into his handset till he got used to the weight. And then I just took 'em all out.

Michael: This a place that I like to go. To be alone with my thoughts. I've never taken anybody there before.
Donna: Who took the photo?
Michael: Ryan.

Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Figgero: This is a trading game. You give a quick pitch, you make the sale, you move on. That's how Vikram does it.
Michael: Vikram doesn't have my people skills.
Figgero: Good for Vikram, because he outsells you every night.

Diane: It's admirable, the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you.
Michael: Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.
Diane: Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.
Michael: That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot.
Diane: Okay.
[Jan looks shocked]
Michael: ...Of water.

Michael: No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong. And I have looked at this thing like 100 different ways, from my point of view, from their point of view, 98 others, and bottom line: I am in the wrong. I'm the bad guy.

Michael: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.

Angela: Michael, I don't like this game. It's scary.
Michael: It's not scary.
Angela: I don't like my character.
Pam: Who are you?
Angela: Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamps. I'm not comfortable with this
[Shows a fake voodoo head]
Angela: .

Michael: Can you tell who's gay and who is not?
Dwight: Of course.
Michael: What about Oscar?
Dwight: Absolutely not.
Michael: Well, he is.
Dwight: Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...

Michael: What do you do with the hot dogs that you don't sell?
Joe: Throw 'em away.
Michael: Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?
Joe: No.

Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico. And they moved to the United States a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States. My parents were Mexican.
Michael: Wow. Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides "Mexican" that you prefer? Something less offensive?

Michael: David guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can either tell me or I'm going to hang up.
Michael: I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.

Michael: [as Prison Mike] In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you.
[points to Ryan]
Michael: You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!

Michael: All right, girls, break it up; you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse.
Dwight: Cocks in the henhouse.
Michael: Don't say cocks.

Dwight: Oh! Here's one. A string quartet playing classical music.
Michael: You know, that's good, but that's not classy. I need something classy, like the opening of a car dealership.
Jim: That's it. Or Mr. Peanut.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Mr. Peanut is not classy.
Michael: He is.
Dwight: He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.
Michael: That's what makes him classy.

- Merry Christmas. You, too.
- Fa la la la, la la, ka-ching oh. So this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India?
Stanley: She's burning.
Pam: Oh, my god!
Michael: We got a live one! On fire!

Michael: Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could...
[ominous pause]
Michael: And she is going to be okay.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?

Dwight: Michael... I can't believe you came.
Michael: [choking up] That's what she said.

[Jim, Michael and Dwight are in the car driving to Utica, Jim and Michael hear a strange noise]
Michael: What is that?
[looks around]
Michael: Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight: I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim: Oh, my God.
Michael: Oh, come on, man. That is disgusting, Dwight!
Dwight: You said we couldn't make any more stops. I really had to go.
Michael: Oh, God!
Jim: Michael, watch the road!
Dwight: Hey, you're making me spray!
Michael: I'm going to kill you, man!
Jim: Michael, Michael, pull over!
Michael: That is just so disgusting.
Dwight: I think I cut my penis on the lid.

Michael: There's only one place to get authentic New York-style sushi.
Dwight: Tokyo?

Kelly: Columbia Street in Washington Ave! When is he gonna come out?
[phone rings, Kelly answers and hangs up]
Andy: I bet he's wishing he had a hybrid, right? Sixty miles to the gallon in the city.
Kevin: No! I bet he's wishing he was strangling someone!
Michael: Ok, that's our street! That's our street! He's going down our street!
[runs out of conference room]
Michael: Come on everybody!
[all quickly follow]

Michael: Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It's not even that interesting a baby otter. It can't even stand up.
[looks toward computer]
Michael: It's trying to stand up...
[choking up]
Michael: there it goes.

Michael: Hey.
Ryan: I found the pudding cups you wanted at a gas station in Carbondale!
Michael: You did it. Look at you. And with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan: You are very welcome.
Michael: Did you get the yams?
Ryan: No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams.
Michael: Oh, okay. I'll just have the pudding.
Ryan: You sure?
Michael: [sighs] Yeah.

Michael: And I had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Pam: What?
Michael: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.
[clears throat]
Michael: Jim, you're 6'11", and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where's Angela? Well, there you are. I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.
[Stanley starts to laugh]
Michael: Oscar, you are...
[starts giggling]
Michael: Oscar, you're gay.
Oscar: Wow.
Michael: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.

Michael: Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
David: No, we are mad.
Michael: Yes, we are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
Dwight: Thank you.
David: No, we're not.
Michael: I am not a mind reader, David.

Michael: Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop

Lester: Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?
Michael: She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them.
Lester: Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?
Michael: Um, to be delicate, they hang off M'lady's chest. They make milk.
Lester: You don't need to go any further.

Michael: Please don't send Dwight.

Michael: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Meredith: I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
Michael: All right, no, no, no, no. That is... The image, I think we all can agree, is very disgusting...

Michael: Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well, big deal! I worked in a warehouse. Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. He'd probably make them feel like wimps. Not me, I... "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." This is one example.

Pam: Are you serious?
Michael: Yes, and don't call me Shirley.

Toby: We want to go home.
Michael: Well, you don't even have anybody to go home to Toby.

Michael: You know, if I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself.

Pam: [answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder-Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Race For The Cure, this is Pam.
Michael: [whispering] Pro-Am.
Pam: Pro-Am Race For Th- they hung up.

Oscar: Michael, I'm gonna set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you'll meet with this guy, you...
Michael: Ugh... no, no, no, we are gonna leave Jan out of this.
Oscar: She has to know!
Michael: We will find another way! We'll ask Powerpoint.
Oscar: Michael this is a presentation tool.
Michael: *You* are a presentation tool, if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this
[Oscar gets up to leave]
Oscar: I'm done.
Michael: No, you're not. Ok. You're not a tool.

Michael: We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature, but we can't lose the spirit of childlike wonder. What is love anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should get in their way?

Jan: Because of our situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present.
Michael: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
Jan: Darryl from the warehouse?
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Jan: No, Michael, we need an H.R. rep. So, I think you should just bring Toby.
Michael: Hey, I'd rather kill myself.

Michael: Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright.

Michael: [greeting Karen Filippelli] Welcome! Wow, you're very exotic-looking. Was your dad a GI, or...

Michael: [deleted scene] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five.
[Michael and Ryan high five]
Michael: Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam.
[camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael]
Michael: Now, who was the one before Curly?
Ryan: Uh, Shemp.
Michael: Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita.
Ryan: Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different.
Michael: Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go.
[Yelling in cod German]
Michael: I'm Hitler. Right.
[Continues with cod German]
Michael: Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler.
[laughs]

Darryl: [explaining to Michael why he doesn't want fire-eaters in the warehouse for Casino Night] We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael: That's ironic.
Darryl: What?
Michael: That *you* are afraid.
Darryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?
Michael: Dinkin flicka.
Darryl: [to film crew] I taught Mike some phrases to help him with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
Michael: Give me some.
[Mike and Darryl do choreographed handshake]
Darryl: [laughing] Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.

Michael: [shouting at Jim] Your doughnuts make me go nuts!

Jo: Oh, honey, surely you don't want that.
Michael: I-I surely do, and don't call me honey.

Michael: Toby, can I really tell you anything?
Toby: Of course.
Michael: Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table eating my penis - I mean peas. That was weird. Ah, that's weird. I think it all stems from the fact that I was... I was probed. By an alien life force. An A.L.F. ALF. You know I might've actually been probed by ALF. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half, but there's a lower half.

Ryan: [cleaning out Michael's car] What about this bottle of power drink?
Michael: Uh, what flavor?
Ryan: Blue.
Michael: Blue's not a flavor.
Ryan: It says, "Flavor: Blue Blast."
Michael: Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk.

Pam: You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate.
Michael: Oh, did you explain why?
Pam: No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot.
Michael: Burned my foot, Pam.

Michael: [explaining to Dwight why he needs his urine] I went to an Alicia Keys concert over the weekend. And I think I might have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.

Michael: Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton and made it big? Was that U2?
Jim: Yes.

Michael: Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been... ever, for any reason whatsoever...

Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, and I am that big man.

Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut!

Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I'm sorry, he's not in yet. Would you like his voicemail?
Michael: [heard yelling from the street] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!

Michael: Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance.
[He turns to Ryan]
Michael: Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?
Ryan: Sixty thousand dollars a year.
Pam: You get paid by the year at the bowling alley?
Ryan: What do you make, secretary?
Bowling: Back to work, shoe bitch!

President: Scarn, you're right on time.
Michael: What's the situation, President Jackson?
President: It's your old enemy, Goldenface. As you're Goldenface tried to blow up the NFL All-Star game, the baseball All-Star game and the NBA All-Star game. You stopped him every time. Then, you took one day off to run a 20k with your friend Robin Williams.
Michael: One day off.
President: That was the day of the WNBA All-Star game. We all know what happened then.
Michael: My wife was in that game.
President: Now, he's after the NHL All-Star game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one's personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan.
Samuel L. Chang: We have to search the stadium.
President: Not so fast. Goldenface has taken all of the concession stand workers hostage. We go in, he kills the hostages.
Samuel L. Chang: Why not just cancel the game?
President: Cost them too much money to cancel the game.
Michael: Money. It's always about money, isn't it? If I ever own a business, I'm not gonna care about money.
President: Scarn, will you find these hostages and save the game?
Michael: No. I don't think it's important enough. Just out of curiosity, what threat level is this?
President: I can't sugarcoat this. We're at Threat Level... Midnight!
Michael: Heads, I do it. Tails, I don't. Best out of seven. Heads, tails. Heads, tails. Heads, tails.
[he does a final coin toss where heads won]
Michael: Looks like there's gonna be a cleanup on aisle 5.

Ryan: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan: What?
Michael: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.
Ryan: No, it's 'whomever'.
Michael: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.
Jim: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

David: Oh, sorry, mate.
Michael: [English accent] Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate.
David: [laughing] What you doing?
Michael: English?
David: You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.
Michael: Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct?
David: Yeah big time, yeah.
Michael: I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... It's called Reginald Pooftah.
David: Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
Michael: Michael Scott.
David: Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He's called Ho Li
[bleep]
David: . That's what it sounds like.
[Michael laughs]
David: Herrow! Herrow!
Michael: I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!
David: You can't do that these days. You can't.
Michael: No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
David: No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said.
[laughs]
David: .
[Michael hugs David]
David: Ohh.
Michael: That's good. Pleasure to meet you.
David: Where are you working?
Michael: Dunder Mifflin.
David: Any jobs now?
Michael: No, not right now.
David: Just let me know.
Michael: All right. See you around.
David: Alright.
Michael: Bye-bye. What a nice guy.

Michael: That photo is my personal property, and if you are telling me that you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am gonna call the cops.
Toby: Michael, nine different people e-mailed me that photo, including my ex-wife and... we don't talk.
Michael: Well, this is probably the icebreaker you need.

Gabe: Michael, you've just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?
Michael: Yes. Of course. What's this in reference to?

[during Toby's exit interview]
Michael: I just have some... questions that I was gonna ask.
[long pause]
Michael: Umm, who do you think you are?
Toby: [long pause] I'm Toby.
Michael: Yeah. Correct. Umm... What gives... What... What gives you the right?
Holly: ...Umm, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna... take a little look?
Michael: Sure. Yeah, you know what, that sounds good. Take a little look-see.

Michael: Well, that's not the David Wallace that I remember. That is some sort of weird creature that lives in David Wallace's house.

Michael: Now this gentleman right here
[indicates Stanley]
Michael: is the key to our... urban vibe.
Stanley: Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems "urban" to you?

Michael: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special - baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, "Yo, that's shizzle". Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

Michael: [to Gabe] If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. That's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.

Michael: I don't understand why you keep picking on me.
Stanley: Oh, for the love of God.
Michael: You just do, and I don't know why, so please help me understand.
Stanley: Fine. Here it is. You are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods and style, everything you do, I would do it the opposite way.
Michael: Well, Stanley, maybe you are feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.
Stanley: Michael, I've known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I have come to respect you. Any other theories?
Michael: All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me. You can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it.
Stanley: Fair enough.

Michael: [points at Limo Lady] And Limo Lady?
Irate: [gasps in shock]

Michael: [after bouncing a watermelon onto a car by accident] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.

Michael: Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let me see. I made Pam laugh so hard that she fell out of her chair and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.

Michael: I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions...
Angela: I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat?
Teenage: It's all vegetarian.
Angela: I'll just have some bread. You used your hands.

Michael: Pam, knock-knock.
Pam: [Whispering] I'm on the phone.
Michael: [Also whispering] I know you are, knock-knock.
Pam: [On the phone] You can fax it over. Yeah, five, seven, zero, five, five, five...
Michael: [Trying to distract Pam] Four, nine, one.
Pam: Zero, one.
Michael: Seven, four.
Pam: Seven, five.
Michael: Flive, line.
Pam: Zero, one. Seven, five. Than you, bye-bye
[Hangs up]
Pam: That really makes us look unprofessional.
Michael: They will never know it was me doing it. Here we go, knock-knock.
Pam: [Exasperated pause] Who's there?
Michael: Buda.
Pam: Buda who?
Michael: Buda this bread for me, won't you?
[Leaves a loaf of bread and a piece of butter on the table]
Michael: .

Michael: [after bringing Pam to tears by saying she's fired] You've been X'd, punk!

Michael: Jim, could you come in here, please?
[Jim enters Michael's office, there's an improvised face with fake teeth and eyes on his computer monitor, a voiceover reads everything he types]
Michael: Hi, Jim.
Jim: Hello.
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael: [laughing] Sorry. Oh, wow. That's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Jim: Yeah, you can.
Michael: You know what? Get Pam.
Jim: For this?
Michael: Pam!
[keeps typing while Pam enters his office]
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.
Pam: Great.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Michael: Wow, that is gross!
Pam: Who's Long Tim?
Michael: [to himself] Dammit...
[types rapidly]
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
Jim: Oh, well "yoy" should bring Long Tim in one day.
Pam: I'd love to meet Long Tim.
Jim: Yeah, right?
Harvey: [Michael types rapidly] You ruined a funny jok-u. Get out of my off-five.
Jim: Ok.
Pam: Ok. Bye, Harvey.
[she and Jim exit Michael's office]
Harvey: Boobs.
[Michael grins]

[as everybody is getting off the bus]
Michael: Watch out for snakes.

Meredith: What does the Strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.
Kevin: Yeah.
Meredith: That scowl.
Toby: I can't talk about it or I'll get removed from the jury.
Michael: And then he will come back here and replace Holly. So stop asking him questions.

Michael: It's not 1890 any more. This is modern day and women have sex before marriage. And I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day, she would be considered a whore, but now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them. And we need to encourage that.

Michael: I set the rules, and you follow them blindly, okay? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trashcan.

[as it comes to Michael's turn during their game]
Michael: [loud clapping] All right, my
[clap clap clap]
Michael: my
[clap]
Michael: my
[clap]
Michael: my turn! My
[clap]
Michael: my my my
[clapclapclap]
Michael: my turn!
[clap]
Michael: My my my my turn!
[clap]
Jan: Babe, can you just, like, really...
Michael: What?
Jan: You're just, like, really...
Michael: [laughing] What? What?
Jan: Could you just simmer down? Seriously.
Michael: I'm just making people laugh.
Jan: No.
Michael: Yes, I was watching Jim's face.
Jan: I was watching Jim.
[Jim stares off with a blank expression]
Michael: And he was laughing. Look.
Jan: [turns to the camera] No smile.
Michael: Look at him. He's laughing.

- All right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show.
- Okay. Thank you for coming, Michael.
Michael: [Don't even know how to say this.
- But Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h.
- And that's not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out.

Michael: [takes a sip of wine] Mmm. A sort of an oaky afterbirth.
Jim: ...What was that?

[visiting Meredith in the hospital]
Michael: She looks like an angel.
Kelly: She looks awful.
Michael: No- okay, she always looks like that.

Michael: I have an amazing mnemonic device by which I have now memorized all of your names.
[pointing to people in the room]
Michael: Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman.

Michael: [after getting in trouble for harassing Oscar for being gay] Look, I watch "The L Word," okay?
Jan: Good. Good.
Michael: I watch "Queer as..."
[bleep]
Michael: so...
Jan: That's not what it's called.

Michael: Hey, Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?
Pam: It's still me.

Dwight: Knock-knock.
Michael: Who's there?
Dwight: K.G.B.
Michael: K.G.B. wh...
Dwight: [smacks Michael] WE will ask the questions!
Michael: What the HELL was that?

Michael: You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.

Michael: The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my Old Maid. Oscar is my Queen. That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the Instruction Card you throw away, Pam is a solid 7, and you know, Ryan is probably like a 2. Sometimes 2s can be wild, so watch out. And I'm obviously the Joker. So...
[He hears noises from the phone and fax machine]
Michael: That's, uh...
FAX: Wuphf from Ryan Howard: Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.
Michael: Thank God.

Michael: Webster's dictionary defines wedding as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals.

Michael: Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, "Those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss." It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

Michael: Look at that.
Oscar: Huh?
Michael: Nice!
Oscar: I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: She is a beaut!
Dwight: Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself.
Oscar: Yes, it is.
Michael: Oh, look at that.
[pushing bike]
Michael: Smooth roll.
Oscar: Yeah.
Kevin: You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike!
Oscar: Yes.
Meredith: His ass was on that seat? Alright!
Kevin: Nice.
Oscar: No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses.
Kelly: I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now.
Pam: [crashing sound] Michael!
Michael: Oh, god!
Oscar: Oh...

Michael: [to Pam] Good morning. You ready? And we're off. Like a herd of turtles.

Dwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
Michael: Well, yes I would. And I would survive.
Dwight: I would make sure that you were dead. Believe me.
Michael: No...
Dwight: Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.
Michael: You...
Dwight: And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
Michael: You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.

Jim: I just got a message from my landlord. Apparently, my apartment flooded, something with the sprinkler.
Jan: Oh no!
Jim: Pam, we should probably get going to see the damage.
Pam: Oh, okay.
Michael: You don't need to. You don't need to do that.
Jim: That's true, um. Dinner sounded delicious. Pam, see you at home. Thank you so much.
Pam: Oh, Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party all by yourself.
Jim: I don't know. because everything I own is there.
Pam: You can buy new stuff, but you can't buy a new party.
Michael: That's true. That is a good point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends. And we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right?

Michael: Should have burned this place down when I had a chance.

Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in 10 years, but...
Michael: That's what I said.
[Jim sits with a shocked expression that that will happen to him]
Michael: That's what she said.
Jim: That's what who said?
Michael: I never know. But I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension when things sort of get hard.
Jim: That's what she said.
Michael: [laughs] Hey. Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.

Michael: So Meredith, how was your weekend?
Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. He calls it an Upper Decker.

Michael: I didn't find the perfect moment, because I think today was about just having today. And I think we are one of those couples with a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year, she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody and it's gonna take a long time. And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

Michael: Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Clause over there, when you can sit on my lap? Phyllis is only pretending to be a man. I'm the real thing!. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt.

- Yes!
Andy: Yeah!
Oscar: Are you okay?
Michael: Very nicely done.
Oscar: Are you okay, Stanley?
- Excuse me.
Dwight: Wow.
- All right, papa bear.

Michael: [to Gabe] For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day at the office.

Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids, and I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't want to have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip, snap! Snip, snap! Snip, snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!

Stanley: Pass.
Michael: You can't pass. You gotta pick somebody.
Stanley: [looks around] I'll take the kid.
Ryan: [in the confessional] I'm very flattered. I was his second choice after "pass."

Todd: A stripper is Bachelor Party 101. If you don't get a stripper, your party's gonna suck hard.
Michael: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual harassment.
Todd: Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. Like, you know, seperate but equal.
Michael: So that's what that means.

Michael: Hello hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Nature's Viagra!
[grabs and pours a large scoop of M&Ms into his coat pocket]
Michael: Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It'll be a good day.

Michael: Live and let live.
Dwight: I'm not familiar with that expression.

Michael: Look. About you and Jim. I... No.
Pam: No, that's... You don't have to...
Michael: No. I just feel it's my responsibility as your boss/friend...
Pam: No, it's really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like, a crush on me when he first started, but that was a long time ago, so...
Michael: It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Pam: [Puzzled] Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise, or he told you about it on the booze cruise?
Michael: Uh-uh. Okay, shut it, Michael. I'm done, that's it. I'm out.
[Pam leaves, now wondering what really happened]

Michael: In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulous.

Michael: [reading from the suggestion box] "You need to do something about your B.O."
Dwight: [repeating to staff] "You need to do something about your B.O."
Michael: Okay. Now, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion. And not an office suggestion. Far be it from me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.
Toby: Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Michael: Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that that is a very poor choice of words.
Creed: Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Michael: Was I, Creed? Okay, well, you know, what I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs. Because talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should be aware of, okay? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good. We're learning and we're figuring some stuff out.

Dwight: Okay, let's get this started.
[stands up and loosens tie]
Michael: What are you doing?
Dwight: I am the bait.
[takes off his glasses]
Michael: For what?
Dwight: Men find me desirable.
Michael: No, no, no.
Dwight: It's a good day, too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
Michael: You're the bait for Toby? No. For one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait, it would be Jim or Ryan or me.
Dwight: Men find me desirable.
Michael: Yes. Sure they do, Dwight.

Michael: [whispering to Toby] I'll kill you.

Michael: I know what I was thinking at the time, but right now, it just seems ridiculous.

Michael: Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet, somebody else who has been to prison.
[puts on bandana]
Michael: I'm Prison Mike. Do you know why they call me Prison Mike?
Angela: Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?
Michael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, biatch?

[Dwight enters the Harper-Collins office to intercept Michael's meeting with Mr. Schofield. The receptionist can do nothing to stop him]
Receptionist: Uh, hello Dwight...
Dwight: Spin-move!
[he bursts through the door to Mr. Schofield's office]
Dwight: Ha ha! April 13th, 2002.
Mr. Schofield: Dwight. I'm in a meeting.
Michael: That's very rude...
Dwight: I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002. That is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased.
Mr. Schofield: Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our...
Dwight: Blablablablablah! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin and your order was filled within an hour!
Michael: I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now: April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin are going to fall by the wayside.
Dwight: Come on...
Michael: Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.
Dwight: What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.
Mr. Schofield: Why don't you guys just email me your best offers, and we can finish it up that way.
Michael: [shakes Schofield's hand] That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.
Mr. Schofield: Uh, okay. Sure.
Dwight: [shakes Schofield's hand] Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um... How's your gay son?

Michael: Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Michael: I'm Michael Scott and I am in charge of this place. How do I make you understand... I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Dwight: That's Batman.
Michael: Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?
Jim: The ocean.
Michael: [muttering] I work with a bunch of nerds.

Michael: Why does society force us to use urinals, when sitting down is far more comfortable?

Michael: If the devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?
Angela: Michael...
Michael: Like a beach blowout, or a toga, a toga. Toga!

Michael: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight: Who's the target?
Michael: A sensitive e-mail has been released into the office. It contains a file. A picture. The filename is Jamaica Jan Sun Princess.
Dwight: What's it of?
Michael: Not important.
Dwight: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael: Okay, then forget it.
Dwight: Okay, I accept it.

Michael: You are also on record as saying "wittle-ittle", "footy-wooties", "num-nums", "jammies", "make boom-boom", "widicuwous", and "Wode Iwand".

Pam: What's wrong, Michael?
Michael: I got gum in my hair.
Pam: You do.
Michael: This just stinks. Don't touch it. Please don't touch it.
Dwight: You've got a ton of dandruff.
Michael: Okay, let me be.
Jim: How'd you get gum in your hair?
Michael: I was walking in, and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car, and I got under to see what it was, and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil.
Jim: But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.
Michael: Kill me... right now.
Pam: We have peanut butter in the kitchen.
Michael: I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.
Jim: Nope. Not for you it's for your hair, and it is 9 am.
Pam: No, Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about.

Michael: TMI? Too much information. It's just easier to say TMI. I used to say, "Don't go there," but that's lame.

Michael: Yes. Money has been a little bit tight lately, but at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm gonna be thinking about how many friends I have and my children and my comedy albums.

Michael: Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here getting used to the altitude.
Dwight: Michael?
Michael: Yes?
Dwight: I've got a treat for you.
Michael: Oh! Thank you. Like a butler.
Dwight: Colorado specialty: Rocky Mountain Oysters.
Michael: [Starts eating one] Wow, those do not taste like oysters.
Dwight: That's because they're not oysters! They're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! Ha!
Michael: [Spitting them out] Sick freak. What is wrong with you?

Michael: Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

[Dwight panting] Hey, everybody. Look what we have.
Michael: Nice, huh?
- I've got it leveraged.
Dwight: Push. Straight up.
Michael: On three. Ready?
- Big. One, two, three.
Dwight: One, two, three.
- Merry Christmas.

Jim: You just had a rebound.
Michael: I had a rebound.
Jim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction. But, when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart.

Michael: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin Warehouse Inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."
Jim: Yep, it's English. It's "impossible."

Michael: Great practical joke, Jim. Got me to go the annex.
[as Michael turns around, Toby appears. Michael stares at him in disbelief]
Toby: Hi, Mic...
Michael: [screams] NO! GOD! NO, GOD, PLEASE, NO! NO! NO! NOOOOO!

Michael: [Michael reveals that he knew about Dwight's meeting with Jan after Dwight badmouthed his Sebring] I know, Dwight, I know. I know, I know.
Dwight: You know what?
Michael: Jan told me about your little meeting.
Dwight: No.
Michael: I know what you did.
Dwight: [voice wavering as he thinks it's partially a result of his comments toward Michael's Sebring] You... The Sebring's cool...
Michael: I made the whole thing up, Dwight!
Dwight: It's cool, the Sebring's cool...
Michael: Oh, do you? Do you like it?
Dwight: ...And has a cassette and a CD.
[Dwight continues backing away from Michael scared]

Phyllis: [about Crime Aid, the charity auction] I think it's a fun idea.
Michael: Thank you!
Phyllis: We could auction all things that we do for each other, like cleaning or tennis lessons, my sorority did it all the time.
Michael: Ok, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into, a real sororities so you had to kind of form your own?
Phyllis: Move on, Michael.

Michael: Hey Ryan? Could you get to that copy from before?
Ryan: Pam's better at that stuff.
Pam: That is so insulting.
Ryan: How is it insulting to say that you're good at something?
Pam: Because the thing you're saying I'm good at, is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.
Ryan: I'm not judging it, it's like... I could run GM but I couldn't fix a car. It's not saying one is better than the other.
Pam: Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other.

Customer: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau!
Michael: Yeah, well, I'm calling the Ungrateful Biatch Hotline!

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael: Earlier today, this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. Now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot into.

Michael: So I am instituting prima nocta.
Jim: [to the camera] Prima nocta, I believe, from the movie "Braveheart" and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
Michael: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.

Oscar: Your office is full of genitalia.
Michael: [clears throat] Oh. Eso es lo que dice, el!
Oscar: "That's what he says?"
Michael: Damn it.
[knock on door]
Michael: Ah, Angelo.
Angela: Angela.
[Michael sticks post-it on Angela's forehead with female genitalia]
Angela: Michael!
Michael: Yo soy Cancun.
Angela: [removes post-it, leaves] Uhh!

Michael: We are a family here, and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I'm the same age as you, Michael.
Michael: Well, I don't know about that.
Phyllis: We're in the same high school class.

Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael: Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?
Oscar: I know you heard me correctly.
Michael: [sighs] Oh, I hate monkeys.

Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael: Bail 'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.

Michael: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
Meredith: I don't remember doing that!
Angela: What a surprise.

[after handing Toby a wrapped present]
Toby: Wow, thanks, Michael, I didn't expect you...
Michael: [cuts him off] Can I just say that of all the idiots in all the idiot villages in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.

[Toby comes back from Costa Rica and surprises a distraught Michael]
Toby: Hi, Mich...
Michael: No, God!... No, God, please, no!... No!... No!... Nooooo!

[Dwight is angry at his co-workers roasting Michael at his self-proclaimed roast]
Dwight: How dare you all attack him like this?
Michael: Oh, stop it, Dwight.
Dwight: Michael is your superior.
Michael: No no no no no no!
Dwight: Okay? You should be bowing down to him!
Michael: Dwight, you're supposed to do it this way!
Dwight: [to Michael] Okay, no. They don't understand who they have...
Michael: That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.
Dwight: You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.
Michael: Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.
Dwight: Are you calling me an idiot?
Michael: Idiot.
Dwight: Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land.

Michael: [Lifts pig teddy] mmhm. China.
Michael: [Lifts pencil holder] China.
Kelly: Michael, how was the dentist?
Michael: It was great.
Michael: [Lifts up name plaque] China!

Michael: So you... get... the rent checks every month, and... what happens next, what...
Margaret: Y-you're asking me what I... do with the checks people write to me?
Michael: Just making conversation.

Michael: Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?
Stanley: I think it's because of my sales record.
Michael: That could not possibly be it.

Michael: Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
Jim: Okay, Dwight, I'm sorry because I have always been your biggest flan.

Michael: [discussing Phyllis' friend Sandy] Could we share a rowboat? Could... could a rowboat support her?
Phyllis: ...What are you asking?
Michael: I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average-sized rowboat support her without capsizing?
Michael: [long pause] It bothers me that you're not answering the question.
Phyllis: No, all right? No, she can't fit in a rowboat.
Michael: Dammit, I knew it. I knew it, Phyllis! Okay...

Michael: Phyllis, you say? Hmm.
[suppressed laugher]
Angela: What is so funny?
Michael: Um... I mean, did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?
Kevin: [looks at Karen's butt] I'm guessing not.

Michael: Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy.
Karen: It's a pretty common one.
Michael: I just - I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.

- and get comfortable.
- There's nothing out here, man.
Michael: Yeah.
- I don't know. I just imagined a hotel right here, pool over here, little breakfast place with really good bacon. Just_

Michael: Eleven years that I could've been working on "The Scarn Nebulous."

Michael: [sees office in disarray] Oh my god, what happened?
Jim: We were robbed last night.
Dwight: Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen. Motives: financial, or possibly vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out... and that's all we have.

[first lines]
Michael: It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're going to be in this van, with me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44-year-old guy with a paper route.

Angela: Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam: I think that's champagne.
[Angela spits champagne back into her glass]
Michael: Hello, ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Ben: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin?
Ben: Knickers in fact, yes!
Michael: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben: Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
Ben: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
Michael: And when they came over on the Mayflower.
[imitates porn music]
Meredith: Wait, this is the entertainment?
Michael: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and, Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave, I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one.
[Points to Phyllis]

Michael: [questioning the company's sexual harassment policy] What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? Would that be crossing the line?
Toby: No.
Michael: What if they made out in front of everybody?
Toby: Well, that would be...
Michael: At home? And I told everybody everything about it?
Toby: Okay, I'm lost.
Michael: Okay. Well, then, let's act it out. Pam, you will be Girl A, and Girl B will be...
[scans the room, but finds no one attractive]
Michael: Okay, we'll use the doll.
[grabs inflatable sex doll]
Michael: Pam? Pam.
[shot of Pam, horrified]

Michael: My point is... A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
Dwight: "Alien."
[makes monster noise]

Michael: The only signal that I am sending is, gay good! Look, if I was gay I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers and just... I'd be waving that rainbow flag.

Michael: So welcome one and all to the world premiere of corporate crap fest.

Michael: I'll be in the other side of this wall if you need me. Just one knock for yes, two knocks for no.
Jo: How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?

Andy: Okay, so... Help us out.
Michael: Wish I could, but I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
Kevin: Michael, please...
Michael: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand, Kevin?

Michael: [choosing team names for the company's beach day] We are going to choose team names. Dwight.
Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I wouldn't do that.
Jim: [starts chanting] Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort...
[Kevin and Karen follow]
Jim: Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort!
Dwight: OK, seriously. You really shouldn't be saying that.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Ok, Ok... Stanley, your team name?
Stanley: I don't care what you call my team.
Michael: Then I will name your team the Red team.
Stanley: [Crosses arms] No, the blue team.

Michael: [deleted scene] I think better to be a happy idiot than a, um... Than someone who knows the truth.

[Jim, Karen, Rolando, and a security guard stand in the stairwell as Michael and Dwight are wedged in between the wall and the copier]
Security: They sprayed me in the eye.
Dwight: [groaning] Scranton rules!
[Dwight sprays more Silly String off]
Michael: Stop! Stop it! Can you help me, please? I'm being crushed.
[Jim looks at the camera]

Michael: Let's put together the starting line-up, shall we? Stanley, of course.
Stanley: I'm sorry?
Michael: Um, what do you play? Center?
Stanley: Why "of course"? What's that supposed to mean?
Michael: I don't know. I don't remember saying that.
Jim: I heard it.
Michael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man.

Michael: I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.

Michael: Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid. I live in a fantasy world.
Jim: You do?
Michael: Yes, Jim. I do!

Michael: No, I'm not going to tell them about the downsizing. As a doctor, you wouldn't tell a patient that they had cancer.

Michael: I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate... no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it... Nike.

Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well, I hated it, a lot, okay.

- It's broken, right?
- Hecant_ oh, my gosh.
- Oh, Dwight. Dwight.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my gosh. Is he okay?
- He's still driving.
Jim: Dwight, you forgot your bumper.
Michael: Hello?
- Please don't send Dwight.

Michael: We think a lot a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something, and I will say what you're thinking.
Dwight: Okay, what am I thinking right now?
Michael: Nacho chips.
Dwight: No. I was thinking about how the skin is the largest organ of the body.

Michael: [Michael's last line] Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest... that's what she said.

[Michael is grilling steaks for Bob Vance's bachelor party]
Ryan: Is it the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael: No. Yes, but I got all the foot off of it.
Ryan: Oh, gross.

[Pam, Ryan, and Michael enter the office]
Michael: Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected.
[David and Charles step out of the conference room]
Michael: Well, well, well. How the turntables...
[long silence]

[Michael interrupts Phyllis, Angela, and Pam as they're preparing Ryan's welcome-back party]
Michael: [as Phyllis and Angela put up a banner] Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.
Phyllis: Did you plan that?
Michael: [as he looks at his notes] No.
Pam: [Pam grabs and reads off the notes] "Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that." How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael: Blowing up balloons, I thought.
Pam: "You might want to trim it a little"?
Angela: Michael...

Andy: In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyoncé.
Michael: I am Beyoncé always.
Andy: Not this time.
Michael: Yes, I am.

Michael: How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. Like a grownup. That was not easy because, I really liked her a lot. I'm a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself... or being happy. And I picked... the...
[Thinks it through]
Michael: ... former.

Michael: Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?
Michael: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael: I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?

Samuel L. Chang: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb?
Goldenface: Hmm?
Samuel L. Chang: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb?
Goldenface: Hmm?
Samuel L. Chang: We've searched the... Okay.
Michael: He said we've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Now, where is the bomb?
Goldenface: So you searched the whole stadium, hmm? Well, you didn't think to look in the puck!
[he throws the puck to Scarn]
Michael: The bomb is in the puck? Well, then, why are you telling me this?
Goldenface: Because I'm going to kill you. Unless you make a deal. I'll release these hostages and defuse that bomb. All you have to do... is forgive me for murdering your wife.

Michael: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of *his* family.

Michael: The kids don't want to hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.

Michael: [to the camera] I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream!

Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.

Michael: It's Saint Patrick's day. Here in Scranton, St. Patty's day is a big deal. It is the closest the Irish will ever have to Christmas.

Toby: We should really have the office's air quality tested. I mean, we have radon coming from below. We have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.

Michael: [deleted scene] So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money.
[comes to a screeching halt and laughs]
Michael: This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient.
[camera zooms in on Kevin]
Michael: Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting.
[hides behind office plant]
Michael: "Very interesting, but stupid." Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place.

Michael: Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?

Michael: First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost. So please try not to lose anything until we find it.

Dwight: [after Michael's meeting with Grotti] Did he threten you?
Michael: No Dwight. Not everything is a threat.
Andy: Mobsters are!
Michael: There's no such thing as monsters.

Michael: Is that what we're going for now, just OK? We used to go for pretty good.

Michael: Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake.

Michael: [to the entire office] I declare... BANKRUPTCY!

[Michael prepares to call "Wendy," a girl on one of the cards]
Michael: Okay, Wendy. Hot and juicy redhead. Let's give this a try.
[dials on speakerphone]
Wendy's: Wendy's.
Michael: Hello, Wendy. This is Kevin's friend, Michael.
Wendy's: This isn't Wendy.
Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. Could you put her on, please?
Wendy's: Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.
Michael: [mutters] Damn it, Kevin.

Michael: All right, let me ask you this. Tell me if this is creative: when I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even... heard of one or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows and had a huge spike in its head. I was five. Five years old! Couldn't even talk yet!

Jim: Okay, let's just try this one on for size, and I apologize, 'cause it's right off the top of my head. An ice sculpture of you completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.
Michael: Strawberries?
Jim: That's inspired.
Dwight: I said that!
[Dwight storms out]
Pam: Not classy.
Michael: Not classy at all.
Jim: Déclassé.
Michael: French! Classy.

Ryan: Hey, I'm Wuphf.
Michael: I'm Facebook.
Ryan: What's up, Facebook?
Michael: I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard anything back.
Ryan: You should have sent me a Wuphf.
Michael: A what?
Ryan: When you send a Wuphf, it goes to your home phone, cell phone, email, Facebook, Twitter and home-screen, all at the same time. Wuphf!
Michael: Wuphf.com!

Dwight: Hey... Why did you do it?
Michael: It was an *accident*.
Dwight: Was she talking back?
Michael: No.
Dwight: Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh... is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?
[Michael turns and glares at Dwight]

Michael: I am downloading some N3P...
Jim: That's not it.
Michael: ...music...
Jim: Yup.
Michael: ...for a CD mixtape...
Jim: Close.
Michael: ...for Holly. And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
Jim: What are the two levels?
Michael: The two levels being, "Welcome to Scranton" and "I love you."

Pam: [after Pam accidentally enters Michael's office while he's changing clothes] On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark?
Michael: European offices are naked all the time.
Pam: They're so not.
Michael: Besides, my shirt tail covered most of it, so...
Pam: I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended.
Jim: Gross.
Michael: That's not gross, it's the human body, what is your problem? Pam, you're an artist right? Think of me as one of your models.

Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Michael: What?
Dwight: Really?
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk. He was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18-wheeler. Pop, it snaps right off.
Michael: Oh my God!
Dwight: That is the way to go.

Andy: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael: He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.
[starts drinking coffee]
Michael: Mmm! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar: He messed yours up, too.
Darryl: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael: It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

Pam: Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott.
[laughter]
Pam: He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael: Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever.
[Dwight claps loudly]
Dwight: Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha.
Pam: And one time, I walked in on him naked... and his thing is so small.
Kevin: How small is it?
Pam: If it were an iPod it would be a Shuffle!

Michael: [about Jim] I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like with firemen, you don't leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.

Michael: [having just learned Jim and Pam are an item] My heart soars with the eagle's nest.

Michael: If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company, and then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.
David: Michael...
Michael: That's one of 'em. Yes. There are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.

Michael: You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the 80's, before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Ah man, did they move paper!

Michael: I tried. I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in "Scream 2." She thinks she can go off to college and be happy. And then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. Learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.

Dwight: It appears we're one bathrobe short.
Michael: Take it from Toby.

Mr. Brown: [deleted scene] Does anyone have anything else at all? Anyone besides Michael?
Ryan: I have something.
Mr. Brown: Yes, please.
Ryan: Um, well, I grew up here in Scranton and when I was a kid the guy who lived next door was a former baseball player, who actually played pro ball before the leagues were integrated. And he had the most incredible stories about...
Michael: Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that.
Michael: No, no, no, no. An outsider's perspective would probably be pretty helpful.
Michael: Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan, you wanna just step outside?
Ryan: What do you want me to do?
Michael: Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what? Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to see if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important.
Mr. Brown: I'm sorry, Michael. We're actually out of time.
Pam: Yeah, um, there's good things about Michael. He uh, uh... Yeah, definitely. Um...

Michael: Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Michael: Can I have everyone's attention, please? Phyllis. Oscar. Ryan, who is supposed to be dead.

Michael: Monkey see, Monkey do.
Jim: That's right.
Michael: Monkey pee all over you.
Jim: That... Rhymes

Michael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Michael: [talking about Ed Truck's death] Can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.
Phyllis: Okay, that's enough.
Michael: What?
Stanley: We do not want to hear about this.
Michael: Well, you know what? I didn't want to hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... Wham! His capa is detated from his head.
Stanley: You have just spit on my face.

Michael: You know what, Pam? If in 10 years, I haven't had a baby and you haven't had a baby...
Pam: No, Michael.
Michael: 20 years?
Pam: No, Michael.
Michael: 30 years?
Pam: Sure.
Michael: It's a deal.

Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's a perfect way to start the day.

Erin: David Wallace called.
Michael: Oh, he did? What did he say?
Erin: He heard you made a big splash at the meeting.

- Then I'll grind up thejumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
- Dwight, nothing with the eyes. Please?
- Okay, Jim.
- Oh, my god, that's her. That's her. Go. Go. Go. Go.Go.Go.Go.Go.
Dwight: Move. Move. Move.
- Move. Move.
Michael: Shut up.
- This is the dumbest thing we've ever done.

Michael: Surprise!
[unveiling a table full of bagels]
Michael: As you can see, I turned the bagels from O's into C's for Charles.
Charles: Thank you.
Michael: Took me all night.
Pam: This is what you did last night?

Michael: [Michael is making an apology video] "There is no way I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.
Pam: One day for what?
Michael: They always give an ultimatum.

Michael: If I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, bin-Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Dwight: [the power shut off; cold opening] Uh-oh. Ok, ok, nobody panic! Listen up, listen up!
[Dwight uses a flashlight close to his face]
Dwight: Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for fourteen days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
Michael: [the power went back on] My bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet. So...
Jim: Um... it's saying the server went down? Does anybody know that password? 'Cause otherwise, we can't do any work.
Michael: Uh... try password.
Jim: Nope.
Dwight: Try 000000.
Jim: No.
Dwight: Okay, now try 000001.
Jim: Okay, I'm not doing every number.
Pam: Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up?
Michael: Uh... it was like, eight years ago?
Pam: Lord of the Rings stuff? I don't know, I'm just trying to think of things that were happening at the time.
Erin: Everyone was getting their driver's license.
Jim: Why don't we just call the IT guy who set it up? What's the name of the guy in glasses again?
Michael: Okay, moving backwards our IT guys have been... Glasses, Turban, Earhair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it.
Andy: I got it. Try, um...
[Andy coughs]
Michael: You know what? It made me laugh but Pam got really offended.
Kevin: Big boobs.
Meredith: Drama queen?
Angela: Nosy?
Pam: You're typing big boobs?
Jim: I'm trying everything.
Dwight: Try big boobs with a z.
Jim: That's...
[the password got accepted]
Jim: the password. We're in.
[the crew cheered]
Michael: The important thing is, this kept us secure, people.

Michael: Could I stay in your room tonight?
Stanley: Are you out of your mind? I brought Cynthia with me.
Michael: Not in the same bed, in the other bed.
Stanley: I got one queen-size bed.
Michael: You are kidding me.
Stanley: A queen-size bed is 5 feet wide. I am not 5 feet wide, Michael.

Michael: [to the camera while he's making a film for his future son] And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.
Dwight: What if he's a murderer?
Michael: He's not going to be a murderer.
Dwight: Maybe that's how you die?

Michael: I think this is gonna work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job, and I haven't been there in months.

Michael: Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Kevin: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.
Michael: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
Deangelo: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a...
Michael: [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys.
Deangelo: This did not happen.
Michael: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay.
[Ryan stands next to Michael up front]
Michael: Ryan how are you today?
Ryan: Why don't you ask my therapist? My mom certainly pays her enough.
Michael: There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
Deangelo: Uhhh, you sir!
[points to Jim]
Deangelo: Are we having fun tonight?
Jim: Having a great time.
Deangelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
Deangelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God!
[Jim looks at him oddly]
Deangelo: This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously.
Andy: Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting.
Michael: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!
Jim: Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting.
Michael: Jim, please no loopholes.
Darryl: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?
Michael: This is my last Dundies ever. If I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?

[Michael unbuttons his shirt to his navel and exposes his thick chest hair]
Michael: What is our beef, as human men?
Lonny: You know, that's a good question, Hasselhoff.

[first lines]
Michael: I'm an early bird and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise and I have worms.

Charles: Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?
Michael: [slowly] I understand *nothing*.

Samuel L. Chang: Master Scarn. Master Scarn!
Michael: Let me dream.
[Samuel uses cymbals to wake Scarn up]
Michael: I'm up.
Samuel L. Chang: It's the President. He needs you for a mission.
Michael: Tell him I'm retired.
Samuel L. Chang: It's Goldenface. The man who killed...
Michael: Don't say her name! Goldenface. This makes it personal.

Michael: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: *Afghani.*
Michael: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's Afghan.
Michael: That's a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, Canine Aids?
Michael: No, *humans* with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS? Wh...
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananis.
Michael: Ok, you know what? No. No!
[Pam giggles to herself]
Michael: AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

[during the intervention, Michael reads questions to Meredith]
Michael: "Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?"
Oscar: Where did you get this?
Michael: I got it on a website. That's not important.

Michael: [at a meeting] Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: Well, they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative, each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.
[they all look around, confused]
Jim: Who are you talking to, specifically?

Dwight: I am not hysterical.
- I am explaining...
- Yes!
- Oh, my god. You ass.
- There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf and diligent note-taking.
Michael: Pam, you're missing things!

Michael: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special - baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, "Yo, that's shizzle". Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

Michael: [on telephone] David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed.
David: What gave you that idea?
Michael: [pausing] It was my understand.
David: I see.
Michael: Listen, why don't we just leave the position vacant? Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability.

Michael: Look, why do we, as a society, hate old people so much?
Creed: Because they're lame.

[kids see Michael pretending to hang from a noose]
Michael: Kids, just remember. Suicide is never the answer. All right?
[in talking head]
Michael: Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?
[to kids]
Michael: It is the easy way out. You are not alone.
Darryl: What the hell is wrong with you?
Michael: [short silence] Who wants candy?

Michael: Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.

Jan: The sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a very cute story. Do you want to tell it, Babe, or should I tell it?
Michael: I don't like that story, Babe.
Jan: Come on, it's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door 'cause he thought he heard the ice cream truck.

Michael: I guess we're getting back together.
Pam: What happened?
Michael: Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger.

Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now, and I have to seem like an ogre, but you know me and you trust me and we like each other, and we'll always be friends and I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man, and I love you." His words.

Michael: I see the sales department as the furnace.
Phyllis: A furnace?
Jim: How old is this ship?
Pam: How about the anchor?
Phyllis: What does the furnace do?
Michael: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. It's just... It's the sales... I see the sales department are down there. They're in the engine room, and they're shoveling coal into the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie "Titanic"? They were very important in the movie "Titanic." Who saw it? Show of hands.
Jim: Not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael: "Titanic."
Pam: I think you're thinking of "The Hunt for Red October."

Rose: So assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Rose: No, that's not part of it
Michael: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would want to live with no legs.
Michael: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.

Michael: I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations.

Michael: Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know, if you lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Bob: If you lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill *you*.
Michael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.

Michael: My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client, and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery...

Michael: [turns on black light in his hotel room] Now would you do me the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir?
Michael: [Dwight turns off lights and they see stains all over bed] Whoa. What are all those stains?
Dwight: Blood, urine, or semen.
Michael: Oh, God, I hope it's urine.

Pam: Also, there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
Michael: How about a rabies nurse?
Pam: I don't think so.
Jim: You know what, though? I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour... for, uh, parties and bachelor events.
Michael: That's possible. Look into that.

Pam: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Hey.
Pam: We were wondering if you'd like to have dinner with us tonight in our home and play with our baby.
Jim: We could order in from Hooters.

Michael: Well, the website is the brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild.

Michael: One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody like Stanley or Oscar...
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.
Phyllis: It's not me, either.
Michael: No? Okay, fine.
Jan: [on the phone] Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting.
Michael: Okay, well, I really think that...
[dial tone beeping]
Pam: Has she been on the phone the whole time?
Michael: Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.
Dwight: Make-up sex. Nice!
Kevin: Nice.
Michael: Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?

Toby: Is everything okay?
Michael: You have to ask me that because you work for Human Resources.

Michael: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.

Michael: [deleted scene] "In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck."
[laughing]
Michael: He's going to lose it when he reads that. Doh! Hogan! Not again, Hogan! Get Col. Burkhalter on the phone!
[laughing]
Michael: I'm kind of a Hogan around here. And kind of, Jan is kind of Col. Burkhalter, then Dwight is Schultz. But, it's... Oh, God. We have fun. We have fun. 'Cause he's gonna be pissed.
[making voice]
Michael: No doubt about it.