50 Best Meredith Palmer Quotes

Meredith: I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
Michael: All right, no, no, no, no. That is... The image, I think we all can agree, is very disgusting...

Meredith: [deleted scene] Pam said you had something important to tell me. Is it bad? Am I getting fired?
[Jim shakes head 'no']
Meredith: Why aren't you telling me? It must be bad. They're taking away my kid. I knew it.
[Jim waves arms and shakes head 'no']
Meredith: They're not taking away my kid. Oh.

Angela: [Dunder Mifflin party planning committee meets in conference room to discuss holiday party festivities for the office] Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.
Phyllis: I thought you said green was whorish.
Angela: No. Orange is whorish.
[Camera pulls back to show Phyllis wearing an orange blouse]
Karen: So, I had a couple ideas to make the Stamford branch feel more at home. Each year, we have a Christmas raffle...
Angela: It would never work here.
Karen: Okay. Um, another idea was karaoke.
Angela: No.
Karen: A Christmas drinking game?
Meredith: Yes!
Angela: God help you.
Karen: What?
Angela: These are all terrible ideas. And none of them are on the theme of a Nutcracker Christmas. I think you should leave.
Karen: [laughs nervously, unsure what to do] You're kidding.
Angela: You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. Please? Thank you.
[Karen looks to Pam for help, but Pam awkardly looks down at some papers, leaving Karen to fend for herself. Angela rises and shows Karen to the door. Karen leaves the meeting]

Phyllis: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
Meredith: [Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
Nellie: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?
Kevin: Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
Dwight: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Jim: Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
Kevin: No.
Angela: No!
Jim: Done, right?
Angela: No.
Stanley: No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Meredith: Topless Christmas.
Creed: Tapas Swiss Miss.

Jan: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly, but many women ask to go over it, so, "fumble" means...
Phyllis: Mistake.
Meredith: Slip.
Jan: Right. "Par for the course" is a golf term. It means "right on track." "Below par" means "worse." Wait. That should mean better. That doesn't make sense.
Kelly: What about "second base"? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you, does that mean you, like, closed a deal?
Jan: Excuse me?
Kelly: I mean, that's a baseball term, right?
Jan: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.
[Kelly turns to the camera and winks]

- We can stay a little longer.
- Really?
Angela: Yeah.
Meredith: Yeah. Sure, Michael.
Kelly: Yeah.
- No, this is great. Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Andy: [after Kelly kisses Andy] That was weird.
Meredith: No it ain't. We all saw the valentine you gave her.
Andy: I don't even know what that card said.
Meredith: Believe me, if I got that card, we'd be in the bathroom doin' it right now.

Angela: Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam: I think that's champagne.
[Angela spits champagne back into her glass]
Michael: Hello, ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Ben: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin?
Ben: Knickers in fact, yes!
Michael: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben: Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
Ben: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
Michael: And when they came over on the Mayflower.
[imitates porn music]
Meredith: Wait, this is the entertainment?
Michael: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and, Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave, I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one.
[Points to Phyllis]

Andy: Morning, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Don't care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy: What?
Kevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed; it's like my life is buffering.
Andy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam...
Pam: That's true.
Andy: They had, uh... weapons.
Pam: Weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job, Andy.
Kevin: Yeah
[all murmuring]
Andy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Andy: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on using...
[Stanely laughing]
Andy: ...this pencil.
Stanley: [laughs even harder] Oh, God!
Andy: What?
Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy: Well, I'm not going to use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.
Meredith: Come on. Give it a rest, pencil
[bleep]
Andy: I'm doing this for *you*, Meredith!
Meredith: I didn't want it!
Andy: Well, didn't you? Why didn't... Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?
[throws pizza against the wall and storms out of the conference room]

Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight: Not likely. With three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Angela: [deleted scene] I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high, which is why now I swim.
Meredith: Why would I be worried? I'm not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free.

Meredith: What does the Strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.
Kevin: Yeah.
Meredith: That scowl.
Toby: I can't talk about it or I'll get removed from the jury.
Michael: And then he will come back here and replace Holly. So stop asking him questions.

Michael: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
Meredith: I don't remember doing that!
Angela: What a surprise.

Meredith: Hey, Boom guy.
Brian: Oh, hey Meredith.
Meredith: When are you gonna boom me?

Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Bachelorette: Who ordered the man-burger well done?
Bachelorette: Hey, hot stuff. One less fling.
Bachelorette: Come and ride the choo-choo. The sex choo-choo.
Bachelorette: Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?

Michael: I printed out 10 ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin read the first one.
Erin: Um, stimulate the nipples.
Michael: Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Kevin: Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
Meredith: I have a shirt like that in my car.
Michael: Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it.

Jim: Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go.
Meredith: Hey, back off. It's Solitaire.
Creed: Hey, kid. Hear you're looking for work.
Jim: Talk to me.
Creed: How far can you reach those lovely, long arms of yours?
[Jim stretches his arms]
Creed: Eh, put 'em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours?
[Jim holds his breath]
Creed: Good.
Gabe: Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people?
Creed: We're working.
Gabe: Can you at least try to look busy?

Jakey the Stripper: Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever.
Phyllis: Angela, special repairman is here.
Angela: Wait, what is this?
Meredith: Shut up! Jakey?
Jakey the Stripper: Mom?
Pam: Wait, wait, what?
Jakey the Stripper: Oh man!
Meredith: No no no no, just do your work. Pretend Mom's not here.
Pam: That seems inappropriate.
Meredith: Give 'em a good show, my little entrepreneur.

Meredith: Hey, boom guy.
- Oh, hey, Meredith.
- When are you going to boom me?
- Uh, listen, they're cracking down on us talking to the subjects.
- It's a lame rule, but, you know, I want to... I have to...
- I'll see you later. Got it.

Angela: [Commenting on her new cat] ... Needless to say, she is very very expensive.
Meredith: How much?
Angela: Seven thousand dollars.
Creed: For a cat? I can get you a kid for that.

Michael: So Meredith, how was your weekend?
Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. He calls it an Upper Decker.

Dwight: Where are they?
Kevin: They're in the trash. They're in the trash.
Dwight: The trash. It's code. All right, Meredith, take of your dress!
Meredith: Okey dokey.
Kevin: No! Dear God, no! It's in the trash can.

- They don't get them if we don't get them.
- My kid needs shoes. You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?
Kevin: Yeah.
- Her kid needs shoes, Jim.
Meredith: What the hell?
- Wow. I'm just going to rewind and back off a bit, so...

Angela: [protesting] Under no circumstances should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: [shouts angrily] Shut up, Angela!

Oscar: [In the kitchen, reading the note left by Pam yet unaware of who left it] "To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable as they will have to scrub up your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed."
Andy: That is just obnoxious.
Oscar: No kidding.
Pam: Yeah. Wait, what? The mess or the note?
Oscar: The note. It's so holier than thou.
Angela: Hmm... i liked it.
Pam: Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?
Andy: No... the note is *way* more obnoxious than the mess.
Meredith: "Sincerely, disappointed". Get off your high horse, richie.
Pam: Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich.
Meredith: Ah, they're rich.
Pam: [At the conference room] Yeah, I wrote the note. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not proud of it, it is what it is.
Angela: [At the conference room, different take] Everyone keeps asking me if I wrote the note on the microwave. It was rude and condescending, and a little snotty
[sighs]
Angela: I wish I had written it.

Michael: I hope nobody takes this baby, 'cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.
Meredith: I'll take the oven mitt.
Michael: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.
[In his talking head interview]
Michael: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.

Michael: Look at that.
Oscar: Huh?
Michael: Nice!
Oscar: I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: She is a beaut!
Dwight: Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself.
Oscar: Yes, it is.
Michael: Oh, look at that.
[pushing bike]
Michael: Smooth roll.
Oscar: Yeah.
Kevin: You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike!
Oscar: Yes.
Meredith: His ass was on that seat? Alright!
Kevin: Nice.
Oscar: No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses.
Kelly: I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now.
Pam: [crashing sound] Michael!
Michael: Oh, god!
Oscar: Oh...

Meredith: Hi. I'm Meredith, and I'm an alch... Good at supplier relations.

Meredith: Guys, do we have to stay all day?
Phyllis: I mean Michael's gone can't we just go?
Creed: Yeah, and I finished my work months ago.

[as the office visits Meredith in the hospital]
Meredith: They have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed: Oh, really? What kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? Palladone? What?
Meredith: I have no idea.
[Creed scoffs; the rest of the office looks shocked]

Meredith: [while shaving her head] You know, I think these critters migrated from down south.

Creed: Hey, why haven't we ever...?
Meredith: We have.

Meredith: Somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall. Which is so messed up. It's 6782 not 83.
Creed: 6783 is also a good time. Less mileage.

Meredith: Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Angela: We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.

Calvin,2265: [They see Madge eat lasagna from a pan] Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield...
Meredith: That woman is a beast.

Meredith: Hey, who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over.
Jim: Hmm, you know what? Maybe you should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitivity training. So...
Kevin: We'll stay late.

- Here they come!
Meredith: Go, go, go!
- Guys.
- What is going on? Nothing.
- Guys, timer's still going.
- That's my stopwatch.

Meredith: In five years, I'd like to be five years sober.
Jan: That is an excellent goal.
Meredith: Four and a half.

Meredith: Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face.

Dwight: What are you doing here?
Meredith: I saw a crowd, and thought there might be a dog fight or something.

Dwight: Number one: Inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Meredith: Suck it, Oscar.

Dwight: [about Tallahassee trip] Oh, I'm sorry Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.
Meredith: Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
Oscar: It just feels like a slap in the face.
Dwight: I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.
Oscar: We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are.
Dwight: I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear. On who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Kevin: Well, he nailed it. Because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.

Meredith: Am I in trouble here or something?
Michael: No. No, this is just a stupid formality.
Holly: No, it's not a formality. Now, were these "meet-ups" just personal, unrelated to business?
Meredith: No. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms.
Michael: Ugh. For the love of God, we're trying to help you, you stupid bag.

Michael: Well we should head out.
Meredith: No, no, no, you gotta stay. I have Vienna Sausages, and I have napkins. Let me fix you breakfast.

Michael: Meredith, I would like you to pretend you're from Abu Dhabi.
Meredith: Hello.
Michael: I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. You are now sexy in your culture.

Meredith: I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.

Andy: Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden!
Meredith: Cool!