200 Best Ed Helms Quotes

Andy: Last week Erin told me that our relationship will be proceeding without me.

Andy: I was the artsy musical one. In "Here Comes Treble" I had four solos, Broccoli Rob had three, right?

Rusty: Never heard that laugh before. I don't like it.
Debbie: Hold my bag.
Rusty: Why? You're not actually going on this thing.
Debbie: Yes, I am. This Chug Run raised thousands of dollars for charity, all right? I might not have gotten good grades while I was here, but at least I did something.
Rusty: It sounds like you did a lot. You stuck your finger in the dean's penis.
Debbie: It's not important what I stuck my finger in and what I burnt down. What is important... is that these bitches are disrespecting me.
Rusty: Bitches?...

Andy: Okay, so... Help us out.
Michael: Wish I could, but I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
Kevin: Michael, please...
Michael: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand, Kevin?

Dwight: [the power shut off; cold opening] Uh-oh. Ok, ok, nobody panic! Listen up, listen up!
[Dwight uses a flashlight close to his face]
Dwight: Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for fourteen days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
Michael: [the power went back on] My bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet. So...
Jim: Um... it's saying the server went down? Does anybody know that password? 'Cause otherwise, we can't do any work.
Michael: Uh... try password.
Jim: Nope.
Dwight: Try 000000.
Jim: No.
Dwight: Okay, now try 000001.
Jim: Okay, I'm not doing every number.
Pam: Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up?
Michael: Uh... it was like, eight years ago?
Pam: Lord of the Rings stuff? I don't know, I'm just trying to think of things that were happening at the time.
Erin: Everyone was getting their driver's license.
Jim: Why don't we just call the IT guy who set it up? What's the name of the guy in glasses again?
Michael: Okay, moving backwards our IT guys have been... Glasses, Turban, Earhair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it.
Andy: I got it. Try, um...
[Andy coughs]
Michael: You know what? It made me laugh but Pam got really offended.
Kevin: Big boobs.
Meredith: Drama queen?
Angela: Nosy?
Pam: You're typing big boobs?
Jim: I'm trying everything.
Dwight: Try big boobs with a z.
Jim: That's...
[the password got accepted]
Jim: the password. We're in.
[the crew cheered]
Michael: The important thing is, this kept us secure, people.

George: [Regarding the automatic door in Mr. Krupp's office] Wow! That is an expensive door.
Mr. Krupp: I had to cancel the arts and music program. I think I made the right choice.

Andy: Ang... ela.
[Angela gives Andy an annoyed look]
Andy: [singing] Ela, ela, ela. Under my Angerela. Ela, ela, eh, eh, eh.
Angela: [annoyed] What?

Andy: Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news.
Jim: Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?
Andy: The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.
Jim: Wow, what do you put our chances at?
Andy: 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!
Jim: Hmm, sounds risky.
Andy: Don't worry. There is a surefire cure: Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one.

Andy: Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.
Kevin: Thank.
Andy: Here, we have a word code the same way we have a dress code. And what we're talking about is basically the speech equivalent to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use but need need for talk talk.
Kevin: But save time. More success.
Jim: Does it save time though? 'Cause we've been here for about an hour.
Kevin: No me fault.
Pam: Kevin, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time.
Kevin: Many small time make big time.
Pam: What are you gonna do with all this time?
Kevin: See world.
Pam: Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.
Jim: K, Kevin, are you saying "See the world" or "Sea World?"
Kevin: See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.
Jim: No, see? Right there, that's the problem with your method. 'Cause I still don't know if you're saying "Sea World" or "see the world," and it's taking a lot of time to explain it.
Kevin: Fine, fine. I'll talk normally.

Andy: You don't need a reason to throw a garden party any more than you need a reason to throw a birthday party.

Dwight: So, what weapon?
Andy: My bare hands.
Dwight: That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.

Andy: If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.

Rusty: I think I know my wife pretty well, and she wouldn't have done any of those things.
Debbie: But you know what? What's important is not whether I did them or I didn't do them. What's important is that you guys are idolizing very bad behavior here.
Heather: Uh, ew, you don't sound like Debbie Do-Anything...

Angela: [after the burglary] I've never felt safe here.
Andy: You're always safe with me, I'm a very good screamer.

[Gabe pulls Andy into the conference room with the blinds shut to confront him about Erin]
Gabe: Are you still in love with Erin?
Andy: What?
Gabe: Because I am. I need to get her back. I can't be alone anymore.
[Gabe starts sobbing]
Gabe: Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?
Andy: No, this is horrifying.

[to Phil, about Alan]
Stu: That place in Arizona's not going to help him. There is no facility that can fix this guy. We're going to spend the rest of our lives dealing with him, because we're all he has now. You realize that? We're it!

Rusty: That's a 2015 Tartan Prancer.
Debbie: Did you say "Tartan," honey'!
Rusty: Yeah. Tartan's the Honda of Albania.
James: Why'd you get an Albanian car, Dad?
Rusty: Renting a family car on Memorial Day weekend doesn't leave you with a lot of options. But this baby is pretty sweet. It's got all the latest Albanian technology.

Andy: Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.

Mr. Krupp: Big announcement: Our science teacher, Mr. Fyde, is no longer with us.
Sad: He's *dead*?
[Sobs]
Mr. Krupp: What? No, not like that. He wanted to spend Saturday with his family.
[laughs]
Mr. Krupp: So I fired him. I'll find a replacement next week.

Andy: Screw you Texaspoontapper!

Andy: [in Andy's car] Beer me.
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Hand me that water.
[Jim does so]
Andy: I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh, like, a quarter of the time.

Andy: I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.

Andy: Knockity-knock, dont knock back. Just kidding, you can knock. It's your office.

Brad: It's all here! I'm blown away David, great job. But it's late, deadline was last night, so... sorry buddy. No deal.
David: Brad, I almost got killed over this shit twice.
Brad: Look, i'm not gonna be an asshole about this. I got two tons of premium weed, and yes you got Chacon pinched in the process, which is a huge win for team Brad. So how about we shake hands and call it even?
David: You were never gonna pay me, were you?
Brad: Is that a dick move? I can never tell anymore.
[DEA team then breaks in and arrests everybody]
Brad: [as Brad is being handcuffed] You double crossed me!
David: Kind of a dick move. right?

Michael: Andy, you go.
Andy: [in a British accent] William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.
Jim: Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.
Michael: No! No! I need two men on this! That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time!

Alan: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu: It's also illegal.
Alan: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

Oscar: [In the kitchen, reading the note left by Pam yet unaware of who left it] "To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable as they will have to scrub up your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed."
Andy: That is just obnoxious.
Oscar: No kidding.
Pam: Yeah. Wait, what? The mess or the note?
Oscar: The note. It's so holier than thou.
Angela: Hmm... i liked it.
Pam: Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?
Andy: No... the note is *way* more obnoxious than the mess.
Meredith: "Sincerely, disappointed". Get off your high horse, richie.
Pam: Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich.
Meredith: Ah, they're rich.
Pam: [At the conference room] Yeah, I wrote the note. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not proud of it, it is what it is.
Angela: [At the conference room, different take] Everyone keeps asking me if I wrote the note on the microwave. It was rude and condescending, and a little snotty
[sighs]
Angela: I wish I had written it.

Dwight: Pam and Karen, I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning immediately.
Pam: You can't do that.
Dwight: As ranking number three in this office, I am order...
Andy: [grunts] I'm number three.
Dwight: You're number four.
Andy: Yeah, but I'm number three.
Dwight: Uh, no.
[to Pam]
Dwight: You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately. They will be returned to you on January 4th.
Jim: Okay, I think I can help here.
Dwight: Okay, good. They...
Jim: As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees, and I am the sole member of the committee. The committee will act on this now.
Dwight: Okay, this is stupid.
Jim: Could you please keep it down? I'm in session.
[long pause]
Jim: I have determined that this committee is valid.
Dwight: What? No! No! Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
[thinks about it]
Dwight: Permission to join the Validity Committee.
Jim: Permission denied.
Dwight: Damn it.

Dwight: [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god.
Phyllis: What's going on?
Dwight: Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving, please.
Stanley: What's he measuring?
Dwight: Okay, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.
Toby: It's an EMF hotspot.
Phyllis: [Gasps] Oh my god!
Oscar: It stands for electromagnetic field, generally caused by a concentration of wiring in one area
[Erin marks red tape X on the floor]
Oscar: especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.
Andy: Um, Okay I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Toby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Andy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?
Stanley: Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Dwight: Okay, listen. Everything here is up to code.

Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil: [yells from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
Stu: I should go.
Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

Phyllis: Jim, just go.
- Hey, we'll be just fine.
- Thanks, guys.
- All right, here we go. Let's go.
Andy: Oh! [Sighing]
- Phew!

Stu: She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
Alan: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

Hoagie: We lose! He beat us! The game is over!

- No! No, no, no!
- The bat.
Pam: What is he doing?
Andy: Oh! They're stinging him!
- All: No, no, no!
- No, no!

Andy: [singing] Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast.
[talking]
Andy: It's the cat food. Nailed it.

Randy: [to Jerry] Yeah, you're really good at tag.
Hoagie: Yes, but you've kind of missed the point. I mean, it's not about trying to get away from each other. It's actually about having a reason to be around each other. You know?
Jerry: [Quietly] Yeah.
Hoagie: I mean, Ben Franklin said it best. Am I right? "We don't stop playing because we grow old."
Hoagie,26688: "We grow old because we stop playing.""

Andy: I wanted my team to be, like, this army, and I was their general, but I guess it's really just more like they're people who work in an office, and I'm their manager.

Rusty: We're going to Walley World.
Debbie: What?
Kevin: This is some bullshit right here!

Pam: Hey. How you doing?
Darryl: Thinking about my grandmother a lot.
Pam: Yeah.
Darryl: She was about to turn 97.
Pam: At least she lived a very long and I'm sure a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you.
Darryl: Thank you. "Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted." "Have fun today, big guy." "Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop."
Pam: It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday.
Darryl: "Hooray. Live it up big D. " "Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this"?
Andy: Birthday punches!
[softly punching Darryl in the stomach]
Andy: One two three four five six seven eight...
Pam: I'm so sorry.
[tears well up in Darryl's eyes]
Andy: ...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!...

[last lines]
Doug: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu: I say we delete it right now.
Phil: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan: Yeah it's in there!
Doug: Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil: Deal!
Stu: Deal.
Alan: OK.
[the four of them look into the camera]
Stu: Oh dear Lord!
Alan: That's classic!

Dwight: [after Michael's meeting with Grotti] Did he threten you?
Michael: No Dwight. Not everything is a threat.
Andy: Mobsters are!
Michael: There's no such thing as monsters.

Stu: You just saw a man get murdered, your brother in law is kidnapped. Are you sure there is nothing worse?
Alan: You don't get it Stu. You just don't get it do you? I have over 60 apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you know how much time and man hours it would take to redownload those apps?
Stu: [Sarcastically] You are right. I didn't think about that, thank you.

Dwight: What's going on in here?
Oscar: Andy bought lunch.
Dwight: Oh, no, really?
Andy: Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.
Dwight: There is no book; there's only a survival guide.

Andy: [about Angela] You need to set me up with her. I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.
Pam: What moves?
Andy: I have moonwalked past accounting, like, 10 times.
Pam: I can't believe that's not working.
Andy: Yeah.

Harry: I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.
Rusty: I was happy to do it. Just because corporate says you're too old to fly doesn't make it true. You're more qualified than us younger guys.
Harry: Means a lot to me
Rusty: Sure thing.
Harry: [after a pause] Oh, and Rusty?.. I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.
Rusty: [to himself] Yeah... you bet.

Stone: If you're up for it I can always use an extra set of hands.
Rusty: Well, I was born with an extra set of hands.
Stone: That's an odd thing to say, heh. But I reckon this'll be the highlight of your trip.

Black: It's funny, 'cause just the other day, me and my boy, we was wonderin' why they even call 'em roofies. Y'know what I'm talkin' 'bout?
Stu: No. Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout.
Black: Why not floories, right? 'Cause when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name fo' 'em.
Alan: Or how 'bout rapies?

[In the wedding]
Alan: How's my hair?
Stu: That's good.
Alan: It's cool like Phil's?
Stu: It's classic Phil.

- What the hell?
- It's okay, guys.
- She's no longer horny.
Andy: Excuse me, dirty birdie.
- What?
- You can have this back at the end of the day.
- Okay.

Rusty: [on ATVs] Are there helmets?
Stone: Yeah, I keep 'em with the tampons.
[drives off]
Rusty: It's just basic safety.

Andy: I'm not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Maybe I could be a food critic. "These muffins taste bad." Or an art critic. "That painting is bad."

Rusty: Well, I thought it'd be fun for the kids to see where you went to college.
Debbie: Oh, God. Why would that be fun for them, honey?
Rusty: You can give us a tour. Maybe one of them could study there one day.
James: Oh, no. No way, man. I've got my sights on something a little more Ivy League.
Debbie: [under her breath] Huh. Little fucker.
James: What, Ma?
Debbie: I love you. That's what I said.

Stu: This is so much harder than you realise, Phil. I'm just a dentist!
Phil: No, Stu, you're a fucking doctor. Now go get him!

Jim: Do you take requests?
Andy: Sure.
Jim: Please stop, because we're having a Christmas party.

- 360 spin onto the palettes, back flip, gainer into the trashcan.
- Yeah, gameh yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Parkour, parkour!
- Parkour, parkour!
- I'm right behind you,
- Andy. Come on!
- Let's do it! Yeah!
Andy: [Groans] Parkour.

[repeated line]
Andy: Rit-dit-dit-do-doo!

Andy: [about Angela] I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?
Dwight: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
Andy: Isn't that part of the fun?
Dwight: No. I think you should date Kelly.
Andy: She works here, too. How is that any different?
Dwight: She works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.

Andy: Didn't mean to bother you Mabel. Mabel, Mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table.

Pam: "My name is Deborah Utant, Deb for short."
Andy: That's clever. Deb-utant.
Pam: "Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a junebug"
Meredith: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
Pam: I do not.
Andy: Well, you do, actually you've got this kind of like, Florida pan handle thing going, where is, what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sort of spilling out of your mouth.

Andy: I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.

Brad: Go for B-Rad
David: Hey Brad, what the fuck!
Brad: Uh oh, something wrong?
David: Yeah, something's wrong. Something's very, very wrong. You said a smidge of pot, and this is not a smidge.
Brad: Smidge and half, no?
David: Look, you got me moving enough weed to kill Willie fucking Nelson, man. Ok, they are used a god damn bucket brigade to put it on the RV as we speak!
Brad: Wait, you just walked in there, told them you were picking up for Pablo Chacon, and they were like "Yeah, no problem?"
David: Why do you sound suprized by this?

James: I've never even heard of the original vacation.
Rusty: Doesn't matter. The new vacation will stand on its own.

- It's like outer spac without the stars.
- It's so black. This is going to look so awesome.
- It's so intimidating.
- Anyone who come in here is going to have to take me seriously.
- Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
Andy: Totally!

Andy: [standing in the middle of the office with his guitar, Lorelei] Everybody, Lorelei and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how.
Nellie: Oh, good Lord.
Stanley: [dryly] Can't you just leave?

Jake: You work for the post office. Your motto is 'Surprisingly, we exist.'
Jack: Incorrect. Our motto is "nos custodimus quod lingus". We guard what you lick.
Jake: That's worse!

Robert: Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Robert: Everyone is better than this because this... Is the worst thing I have ever seen.
[Sips the Energy drink meant for Asian Homosexuals previously states to be flavored as Coconut Penis]
Robert: Why did they add coconut? I miss original.
[chugs the rest of the can]

Kevin: [Kevin's voice in a video of Cookie Monster] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them.
[all laugh]
Andy: This is awesome!
Oscar: Thank you. It didn't even take that long.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga,
[Kevin arrives behind the group]
Kevin: a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.
[Kevin speaking]
Kevin: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that.
[all continue laughing]
Phyllis: Say "Me eat cookie."
Kevin: No. I won't say it.
Dwight: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.
Ryan: It's Kevin as Cookie Monster from Sesame Street.
Dwight: [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I love that show.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Ryan: Good work, buddy.
Oscar: Thank you.
Dwight: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.
Oscar: Yes.
Kelly: Me, too Oscar.
Ryan: C.C. me.
Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela: This is my favorite day.

Andy: Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.

[from trailer]
[back in Vegas]
Stu: I told myself, I would never come back.
Phil: Don't worry, it all ends tonight...

Andy: [Speaking to camera] I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately. Or ever. This is my only idea about how to turn things around. If it goes badly I might lose my job. Which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at.

Dwight: Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight: Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy: Okay, when's the shunning thing going to end?
Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him *die*.
Stanley: Is it nice outside?
Dwight: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight: No, it really is. It's very nice. Come on!
Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee?
Dwight: Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

Andy: The weird thing is now I'm exactly where I want to be. I've got my dream job at Cornell, and I'm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they're the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you're in "the good old days", before you've actually left them. Someone should write a song about that.

Debbie: I was a Tri-Pi a long time ago, so... In fact, the Chug Run was my idea.
Heather: It was?
Debbie: Yeah.
Heather: Wait, are you Debbie Fletcher?
Debbie: Yeah
Heather: Oh, my shit. Oh, my shit! I can't believe it's you! Guys, come here! Bring over the book! It's Debbie fucking Fletcher.
Debbie: How do you know who I am?
Heather: Oh, my God, are you kidding me? You're like a legend at Tri-Pi. You're Debbie Do-Anything!
Rusty: [astonished] Debbie Do-Anything?

Stu: Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?
Phil: Obviously because we had a great fucking time.

Michael: There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk.
Andy: Why would people say that?
Michael: Well, I have it on good authority that you said the following.
[hands Andy a card]
Michael: Can you read that back to me?
Andy: "Andy have a boo-boo tummy."
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Andy: Would you rather me say "Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up."?

Randy: [after getting away from Hoagie] You ain't getting me today, man. I'm not losing.
Hoagie: There's only one problem, Chilli.
Randy: Oh, yeah? What's that?
Hoagie: I'm not it.
Randy: The fuck you mean, you're not it?
Callahan: [Running into frame and tackling Chilli] I AM, MUTHAFUCKA!

[Marshall brings Stu, Phil, and Alan to his villa]
Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break into his old house, you broke into MY house.
Phil: I don't understand.
Marshall: You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't.
Stu: Oh, my GOD!
Phil: You mean the half he never had?
Marshall: He's a world-class rat, and you 3 were his accomplices.
Stu: We had no idea!
Phil: We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy!
Marshall: [sarcastically] Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And THANK YOU FOR KILLING MY FUCKING DOGS!
Stu: We didn't kill your dogs! They're just tranquilized.
Marshall: Oh, right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.
Stu: What?
Black: And somebody's gotta pay.
Marshall: He's right.
[points his gun at the Dougs]
Doug: No no no no, NO!
[Marshall shoots Black Doug and his body splashes into the pool]
Marshall: My head of security, couldn't stop 3 fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.

Andy: Everyone stop what you're doing. I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.
Angela: What?
Andy: He's gone, dammit! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail, and he's staying in Florida forever.
Angela: So he's alive?
Andy: Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
Angela: Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.
Andy: How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place.

Brad: [On the phone with David] I'm just getting some singing lessons from my main man Ben Folds Five. Ain't that right Ben Folds Five?
Ben: My name is Ben Folds. "Five" is the name of the band.
Brad: Remember the song we used to listen to? 'She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly' I've fucking got the guy. He's like my personal bitch.
Ben: This gig sucks.
Brad: Don't talk to me like that. I will have you killed and no one will miss your fucking nerd music.

Darryl: Consider it a wuphf in person.
Andy: You're doing the wrong thing. You're going to lose Michael's investment, you're going to lose ours.
Darryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back! Tell Mike to sell!
Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley: It's a bad bet.
Michael: Hello.
Ryan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they are wrong?
Darryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, we don't believe in you.
Andy: All in those in favor of selling, say aye.
[the four investors say aye]
Michael: I... do not agree to see, which is to say nay.
Darryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in high school?
Stanley: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high, and he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.
Andy: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I'm gonna need some more time.
Michael: You can't have it.
Ryan: Okay. I won't let you down.

Kelly: Andy! I'm in my jammy-jams.
Andy: That's okay. I'm in my worky-works.

Andy: So, Tuna, when we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?
Jim: Did that really need to be said?
Andy: Well, not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation.

Rusty: It's no big deal. We'll just tell Stone and Audrey what happened. Kids, remember what happened?
James: We pulled over to rescue a baby from a burning car... and somebody stole all of our stuff while we were distracted.
Rusty: And why are we naked and covered in feces?
James: ...I don't remember.
James: That's right. We don't remember.

Andy: When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was "Puke." I would chug a fifth of So-Co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more So-Co, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me "Ace." It was totally awesome. I got straight B's. They called me "Buzz."

Andy: There are two things I am passionate about. Recycling, and revenge.

Andy: I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure.
[everyone disagrees]
Oscar: I am dying to know what's in there.
Andy: Yeah, I know Oscar; we all are, but nobody's gonna open it. You'd have to be insane.
[everyone turns to look at Creed]
Creed: Hi, hello.

Rusty: If Vin Diesel can do it, so can I!

Mr. Krupp: Ever since you've attended this elementary school, you've been responsible for one prank after another.

Jim: All right, well, enjoy the alumni game.
Dwight: Good, we have a deal?
Jim: Thanks, Janet.
Dwight: Thanks so much, Earl.
Jim: Wow, simultaneous sale.
Dwight: And they said it couldn't be done. Boom!
Jim: Screw 'em.
Andy: Lot going on, guys. What's happening?
Jim: Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs.
Andy: That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It's like a festival of poo.
Jim: Hey, hey, come on, language.
Dwight: Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.
Jim: In the fridge.
Dwight: No, Jim, the butt, in his butt.
Jim: Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers. There's too many potential clients.
Stanley: You two better watch yourselves.
Phyllis: Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy you're taking New York clients.
Robert: Shh... shh...
[vomits in trash can]
Jim: Robert?
Oscar: Why did Binghamton close?
Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and - how should I say this - Columbian whites. What - what is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin: The branch closed. Forever.

Stu: [soothing a crying baby] We're going to be okay. Everything's going to be ok, alright?
[tuning in panic to Phil and Alan]
Stu: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Alan: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu: I don't know, because I don't remember.
Phil: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Alan: One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.
Stu: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan: Thank you.

Andy: We won't let you down.
Michael: You can't, because I don't care.

Andy: Mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault.

[Andy and Jim are very drunk, and Karen is not. Jim is slumped over at his desk and Andy is lying on the floor. He starts singing "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls]
Andy: I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children...
Karen: Andy, *no* a capella.
Andy: [pauses and then starts again] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain...
[Jim joins in]
Jim: There's more than one answer to these questions / Pointing me in a crooked line
[Andy sits up and looks at Jim]
Jim: / Unless I seek my source / the closer I am to fine...
Karen: Oh, come on, guys, please...
Jim: [singing] The closer I am to fi-iiiine!
Andy: [yells, delighted] TUNA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Andy: My ex is meeting my sex. Which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis. That's just part of it.

David: Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?
Brad: I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?

Andy: [singing] Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dawesome. Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome. Why was he gone? He was such a nice guy. No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompa-dee-doom.

Michael: She won't say "I love you."
Andy: How many dates have you been on?
Michael: Nine dates. I said it on the second date.
Oscar: That seems... Quick. Even for lesbians.

Andy: Okay, well, I come from a line of WASPs so long it leads back to Moses.

Jim: Hey, Andy.
Andy: Yo.
Jim: By any chance, did you see "Battlestar Galactica" last night?
Andy: No, I did not. Was that any good?
Jim: Actually not. It was really so-so.
Dwight: Okay.
[Jim threatens with the stopwatch]
Andy: I mean, I like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know, like Klingons and Wookiees and all that, but...
[Dwight turns to respond, but Jim shows the stopwatch again]
Jim: Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?
Andy: Is that anything like the original "Battlestar Galactica"?
Jim: You know what's weird? It's practically a shot-for-shot remake.
Andy: Really? Huh. That's cool.
Jim: The story's kind of bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian...
Dwight: Okay.
Jim: ...who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.
Andy: That doesn't sound right.

Andy: [singing] Closing time,
Jim: [On phone] ... W R K.
Andy: [singing] One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer.
Jim: Uh no, it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time. Maybe that's what you are hearing.
Andy: Come on pam!
Andy: [singing, Pam mumbling lyrics] Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from.

Andy: Give me the beat, boys, and free my little ole soul.

Kyle: [on the phone with BoJack, pretending to be a recording for a cable company] Could you tell me what channel Netflix is on?

Andy: Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.

[the Wolf Pack is in a fight with cockerels]
Mr. Chow: Hold still, I'm trying to help!
[fires a gun wildly]
Stu: Are you out of your mind?

Kevin: There was a hole in the side of my stall.
Rusty: Sounds like you found yourself a glory hole.

Andy: I am so horny.
Jim: [pause] Okay, I can't help you with that.
Andy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty, good for a romp in the sack.
Jim: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy: Oh, and I care why?
Jim: She's high-maintenance.
Andy: Next. How about... Angela? Blondes have more fun. Come on, trust me on that.
Jim: Yeah, trust *me*. That would be fun for no one.
Andy: Okay, fine.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: Pam, the receptionist. Pam... should I go for it?
Jim: [pause, looks back at Pam, then back to his own desk] Absolutely, you should.
Andy: Jackpot.

Andy: [after Kelly kisses Andy] That was weird.
Meredith: No it ain't. We all saw the valentine you gave her.
Andy: I don't even know what that card said.
Meredith: Believe me, if I got that card, we'd be in the bathroom doin' it right now.

Mr. Krupp: This mornings school-sign is supposed to read "Sewage plant field trips are today", so can either of you explain why it now reads...
[pulls down curtain]
Mr. Krupp: "COME SEE MY HAIRY ARMPITS"? I know you two are responsible!
George: How, how do you know, do you have any proof?
Mr. Krupp: Ever since you've attended this elementary school you've been responsible for one prank after another.
[montage of pranks plays]
George: ...Wow, that's a lot of pranks.
Harold: When it's cut together like that, you really get a sense of the scope.
George: Some of those must have been really hard to pull off.
Harold: Like that tiger!
George: Yeah, that tiger was crazy.
Mr. Krupp: [screaming] Aaaaaahh!

Melissa: Why would you go to Las Vegas?
Stu: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
Melissa: That's not what *you* do.
Stu: Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
Melissa: That is not how this works!
Stu: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
Melissa: Oh, really? Since when?
Stu: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!
Alan: You told me it was a bartender.
Stu: Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.
Melissa: You're an idiot!
Stu: You're a - You...
[struggles]
Stu: You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!

Jerry: Mr. Stubbles has something to say. What was that?
[pretends to listen to stuffed bear]
Jerry: He says his skin's very dry and needs to be moisturized.
[squirts lotion onto his hands]
Hoagie: Jerry, put down Mr. Snuggles, so help me God.
Rebecca: What's happening here?
Randy: I think he's about to masturbate in Hoagie's childhood bedroom.
Callahan: Oh no.
Sable: It's the ultimate act of dominance.
Jerry: I'm gonna stay here until you come. Unless I come first.
Randy: You sly dog.
[everyone bolts for the door]

Pam: You blew the sale you idiot!
Andy: Let me tell you something, I was never gonna make that sale.

Andy: Please make sure no one is humping me.

Andy: Erin just texted me back, "People love shells from far away beaches."

Andy: I wish my dad could see me now. Of course, he caused this whole mess, so...
[Bleep]
Andy: him.

Andy: Morning, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Don't care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy: What?
Kevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed; it's like my life is buffering.
Andy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam...
Pam: That's true.
Andy: They had, uh... weapons.
Pam: Weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job, Andy.
Kevin: Yeah
[all murmuring]
Andy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Harold: Captain Underpants... is that really you?
Captain: Let's see: Underpants? Check. Captain? Also check. I'm pretty sure I'm Captain Underpants!

Marshall: Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.
Phil: But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!
Marshall: Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.
Alan: Can you take Stu instead?
Stu: Fuck you, Alan!

Andy: Okay, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now, and I'll tell you how we can beat it.
The: Uh, well we've been going with...
Erin: Andy.
Andy: Yeah.
Erin: You have a very important call.
Andy: I'm sorry - I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait.
Erin: Are you sure? It's really, really important.
Andy: There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.
Erin: Really? Because your mother is dead.
The: Oh my God.
Andy: I don't think she's dead.
Erin: She's dead. She was hit by a bus.
Andy: She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.
Erin: This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen.
Dwight: Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.
The: Oh, you must take this call. It's...
Andy: Yeah. Um line 1?
Erin: Line 2.
Andy: Hi.
Darryl: [on phone] It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.
Andy: Ooh, gosh!
Darryl: Dude.
Andy: Officer.
Darryl: Look man, this is a bad idea.
Andy: Did she have any last words or?
Darryl: Really? That is messed up man.
Andy: Oh, make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.
Darryl: You're a bad man Andy Bernard.
Andy: That is so mom.
Darryl: That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle...
Andy: Alright, thank you, officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?

[Phyllis, dressed as Santa Claus, is handing out the Secret Santa gifts while Michael, dressed as Jesus, sits sullenly in a chair heckling her with a karaoke machine]
Phyllis: [to Dwight] This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch.
Dwight: We don't have a North Pole branch, idiot.
[he jumps up and snatches the parcel out of her hands]
Michael: [sarcastic and deadpan] Uh-oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is it?
Dwight: [opens the parcel to reveal another assembly piece for his gift] YES!
Michael: Oh yes, it's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.
[sing-song]
Michael: Deck the halls with crappy gifts...
Phyllis: [moves to Stanley] And Stanley, ho ho ho! You've been very good this year.
[she hands him a small box]
Stanley: I have.
[he takes the box and opens it]
Michael: Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible, people. What'd he get?
Kevin: He got scented candles.
Michael: Oh, well that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going, better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockeysticks. Going to hell, Stanley.
Angela: Amen!
Phyllis: [moves to Angela and hands her a wrapped parcel] And this brings us to you, little one.
Michael: I can't see from here, people. Somebody shout it out. Don't make me get up.
Angela: [opens the parcel] It's fabric. I really wanted this.
Michael: That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
Angela: Andy, was this you?
Phyllis: It's a secret. It was a secret.
Michael: No, Andy had... Erin.
Andy: [uncomfortable] That...
Pam: Michael!
Phyllis: You...
[sighs exasperatedly]
Michael: [sarcastically] What, was I not supposed to say...
[Jim shuts off the karaoke machine, cutting Michael off]
Michael: Wha... Turn it back on.
Jim: No.
[Michael drops the microphone, gets out of his chair and petulantly stalks into his office, slamming the door behind him]

Andy: Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Stanley: Not again.
Andy: What do you mean "again"?
Stanley: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy: Well, maybe like a year ago.
Stanley: Mmm. Seems recent.
Andy: No, that's...
Oscar: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy: Everyone, I've noticed that we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley: World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.
Oscar: That's right.
Andy: It's the world's only international sport, so...

Andy: If I am not "Boner Champ", I don't know who I am.

Hoagie: Synchronize your watches.
Callahan: I don't know how to do that.
Randy: I don't have a watch.
Sable: Time is a construct.

Jim: [deleted scene] All right, guys. You know how we all like the red licorice but it's always buried behind, like, a ton of black licorice? Bought it all. Now it's like red city in there, so enjoy it.
Phyllis: Money bags. Must be nice.
Andy: So you effectively spent, what, four dollars on the entire office?
Jim: I can't get a handle on it. Am I cheap or rich? I can't...
Andy: You're nothing. When I think about all the gas money I spent on you. Washing my car to make sure you looked good.
Jim: Well, enjoy the red licorice. And good riddance, right?
Darryl: Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you just gonna throw away perfectly good food?
Jim: It's not really food, right?
Creed: I'm really hating this Jim guy!
Jim: Okay, okay, okay.
Stanley: I know what you can do, Jim. Take those black licorice, then go get some of those red licorice. Take them in your hand, roll 'em up real tight...
Jim: And shove it up my butt!
Stanley: Damn it, Jim! You stole my afternoons, now you stole my line! It's not shove it up your butt, it's I'll kill you! I'll kill you dead!
Darryl: Eat it.
Jim: I'm not gonna eat it.
Darryl: Eat... it.
Jim: I'm not going to...
Stanley: EAT IT!

Rusty: Maybe for lunch we can find a burger place. You know, like a... Like a drive-through burger place.
James: I don't know, Dad. I think we should steer clear of that.
Rusty: Good one, James.
Debbie: All right, enough, you guys. Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just moo-ve on.
Kevin: Oh, I got one.
Rusty: Yeah, let's hear it.
Kevin: James is a piece of shit.
Rusty: Kinda missed the point there, buddy.

Ryan: You have two young dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth. That's myself and Kelly Kapoor. You need one of us there.
Andy: Or both?
Ryan: Not both. Just one... me. Or if not me, Kelly.

Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug.
Dwight: Okay. Tell him that that's not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight: Okay, no, Jim.
Andy: [chuckles] You guys.
Dwight: Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim, tell him!
[Andy walks away to his desk]
Jim: Andy... No, it's too far.
Dwight: [pause] Damn you.

Andy: [to Jim] I am your traveling pants.

Carla: Can you juggle and crap?
Andy: Yes and yes.

Captain: [after getting almost hit by a car] Ha ha
Driver: Out of the road, bozo!
Captain: Why thank you, vehicle person!

Driver: Out of the Road, Bozo!
Captain: Why thank you, Vehicle Person.

Andy: [claps] Chef from South Park, it's genius!
Darryl: Just some chef.

- And he's a perfect match.
- Hey, big tuna, you ready?
- One, two, three, shot!
- Oh, holy mother of god...
Andy: Oh, that burns!
Andy: Golly... that's good...

- Go, Dwight Jr.!
Andy: That was insane!
- Yes!
- Boo! Unimpressed!
- It's a tightrope for babies! Boo!
- All right, let's see you do it. All right. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.

[Andy has just found out his girlfriend is a high school student]
Andy: [horrified] Oh, my God!
Jim: Oh, *my* God.
Andy: I had no idea!
Jim: [grinning] Well, that's not gonna hold up in court.
Andy: We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.

Stu: [upon arriving to Las Vegas] Someone needs to burn this place to the ground.

Andy: I haven't proposed to anyone in years.

David: What the fuck is that?
Brad: Oh, my orca. Yeah, I bought an orca. I make a lot of money.
David: So you bought a whale?
Brad: Well, I don't like sports cars.

James: [surprised] What's Mom doing?
Rusty: She's, uh, teaching these bitches a lesson.
Kevin: [in awe] This is the best thing I've ever seen.
James: Why is she puking so much?
Rusty: It's for ass burgers.

Alan: Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
Phil: Who cares, man.
Alan: Do you know Stu?
Stu: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan: But it's not tonight right?
Stu: No I don't think so.
Alan: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.

Stu: You are a fucking moron!
Alan: Your language is offensive.
Stu: Fuck you!

Andy: [Speaking to Oscar about 2 potential gay guys in the bar he's trying to set up with Oscar] You will thank me when they spank thee.

Oscar: It's just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time.
Andy: Righto.
Oscar: How can anyone stand that woman?

Stu: [playing piano and singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers,
[stops suddenly]
Stu: well then we're shit out of luck.

Andy: Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden!
Meredith: Cool!

Michael: [leans across to Pam whispering] Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food.
Pam: [whispers] Like... like what?
Michael: I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me.
[Jan serves the food]
Michael: Hey, looks great, babe.
Andy: Yeah, it does!
Pam: I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn't it be me? "Michael's former lover"?

Andy: Where are you going?
Pam: Uh, not on a three month boat trip.
Andy: Wha? Oh, burn.
[laughs, Angela and Dwight move to leave]
Andy: Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now?
Dwight: How dare you?
Andy: I'm still the boss!

Andy: Dwight, I have exciting news for you.
Dwight: What?
Andy: I think you're going to like it.
Dwight: You can't tantalize me.
Andy: Oooh, maybe I can. I got an email... from corporate... that told me that...
Dwight: Okay.
[looks at watch and leaves]
Andy: That... you got a promotion!
[Dwight turns back]
Andy: Right? I mean that's not the kind of thing you wanna read quietly at your desk.
Dwight: If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear.
Andy: No, this is legit. You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores.
Dwight: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, hi-yes! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Andy: Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you, and I want to be with you.
Irene: Where's the ring?
Andy: Hm?
Irene: Where's the ring, Lancelot?
Erin: Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.
[Irene and Glenn leave]
Erin: Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.
Glenn: [whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him?
Irene: [whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.
Erin: Hey, don't listen.

Robert: [Being embraced by Kevin] I feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.
Kevin: Yeah.
Robert: It's been 10 days since I had sexual intercourse.
[Kevin starts to let go as Robert holds on tighter]
Andy: Well, you came to the right place!

[deleted scene]
Dwight: State your business!
Andy: I am dying of love sickness and horny sickness.
Dwight: That isn't possible, unless you mean gonorrhea.
Andy: I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?
Dwight: Yes, I did, except I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat and she is in a kind of grieving process and it makes her say things. So, best you just lay off.
Andy: No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.
Jim: Oh, my God. You do have gonorrhea.

Ryan: He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck.
Kelly: He's rubbing his neck.
Ryan: He's rubbing his neck.
Andy: Oh! Scranton Strangler!
Toby: I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let's just say, I'll be up to my neck in jury duty.

Phil: [to Alan while driving the Wolf Pack to Arizona] You know I meant to tell you earlier. That's a very cool vest you got on.
Alan: Thanks Phil it was my Dad's. He died in it.
Stu: Whoa! That's intense!

Andy: The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The Party Planning Committee is my backup and Kevin's band is my safety.

Andy: Michael, am I gay?

Andy: [Rubbing pregnant Pam's shoulders] Hey Pam, chins up. Ok, bad joke.

Andy: If you say anything, so help me god, I'll break of the temples of your glasses and stick em' in your eye sockets.

Andy: Saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like, four miles to the gallon?
Dwight: Uh, try double that. Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle. Please.
Andy: Yeah, my Xterra is pretty sweet. Luxurious yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Dwight: Xterra's not even a real word.
Andy: Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth."
Dwight: Oh, so you drive an X-earth? Yeah, that makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an X-earth.
Andy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
Dwight: Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine, 'cause I drive an '87.
Andy: Oh, speaking of time machines? I just got back from the future, and I went to your funeral, and guess what? Nobody came.
Dwight: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die?
Andy: That was a really well-constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-Not University.
Dwight: Idiot!
Andy: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.
Dwight: If you were driving a Trans Am, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Andy: [coughing] Idiot!
Dwight: [coughing] You're the idiot.
Andy: [coughing] Nice comeback.
Dwight: [coughing] I was making fun of your comeback. That's why it worked.

Andy: Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good.

[the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite]
Stu: [sees he has implants] I have boobies now!
Cassie: [laughs] Oh my God...
Phil: [laughs] Holy shit!
Stu: It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?
Alan: The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...
[Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword]
Mr. Chow: [laughs] We had a sick night, bitches!
[the monkey jumps back on Stu]

Michael: All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department.
Charles: Hey. I come from accounting, too.
Michael: Nerd alert! This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino, and he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart, but he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever, and I'm very proud of him for that.
Charles: [shaking hands with Oscar] Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you. Good.
Michael: This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. The one over there, in the orange.
[pointing to Andy]
Andy: Heyo!
Michael: [looking around] Heyo. Where's the other...
Charles: You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.
Michael: Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin, and he has no sexual history.

- Toby, just do it! Toby, come on.
- God.
- Ready, one bullet and...
- Boom!
Andy: Yeah, that works.
- It worked!

Captain: Now I take to the sky like an ostrich!

Andy: For dinner I went South of the border, and then went South of that border, and we have ourselves a Jamaican feast mon.
Phyllis: If I wanted Jamaican food, I would just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.

Andy: How may I be of service to you?
- I am going to need your advice.

Andy: Let's get high on our own supply!

[Employees at the Stamford branch are playing a "Call of Duty"]
Josh: This is not working, okay? We are getting slaughtered out there.
Andy: It's the new guy.
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about.
Andy: See what I mean?
Josh: We just need a strategy, okay? We're gonna set up a trap in the gunroom. All right? Jim, are you using the MP40 or .44?
Jim: Sniper rifle?
[Andy and Josh gets upset]
Josh: [shouting] Snipe...
Andy: [shouting] What? Are you playing for the other team?
Josh: [shouting] Jim! In Carentan? You don't snipe in Carentan, okay?
Andy: [shouting] It's saboteur! Saboteur!
Josh: Andy, it's not...
Andy: I'm gonna kill you for real. This game, the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.

Andy: You give me a gift, bam, thank-you note. You invite me somewhere, pow, RSVP. You do me a favor, wham, favor returned. Do not test my politeness.

Andy: Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them because they are unfair.

Phil: No that's perfect, that's like a three hour drive from here.
Alan: Yeah Stu, try reading a map.
Stu: Yeah Alan, try reading... anything... ever.
Alan: Yeah Stu, try having not such big horse teeth.

Debbie: Hey, you know, you never told us why you keep that teddy bear on the front of your truck.
Trucker: Oh, it makes the kids feel more comfortable.
Rusty: Oh yeah? You have kids?
Trucker: No.

Mindy: Let's see, what should I order? I'm basically a vegetarian. For moral reasons. I mean I eat eggs and fish and hamburgers. Never steak.
Dennis: Well, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

Phil: Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.
Alan: Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.
Phil: Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.
Stu: No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.
Alan: Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.

Andy: Every compliment has to be backhanded. "Oh, I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair."
Pam: That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?
Jim: Guys with girlfriends don't.

Erin: Andy?
[Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd']
Jim: Yes!
[as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song]
Erin: Did you write this?
Andy: No.
Erin: Who did?
Andy: Steven Sondheim.
Erin: Who is he?
[rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing]
Angela: What the hell is happening?

Phil: [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa] What the hell is that?
Stu: What's it look like?
Phil: If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!
Doug: She's not that bad.
Phil: Doug, she beats him!
Stu: That was once, and I was out of line.

- Invest in softer cotton, sir.
Andy: Ow!
- Oh!
- Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously I'm going to like it.
- Draw some blood! Ha-ha!

[first lines]
[No one is talking in the office, Jim holds up sign that reads "We're on the longest silent streak in office history! Nobody has said anything in... 14 min!", Dwight hangs up on a phone call rather than speak, Andy sees a raccoon eating a hamburger and tries to describe it using charades, Kevin opens a candy bar and takes a bite]
Kevin: Oh yeah!
[Everyone says "Aww!"]
Dwight: Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.
Oscar: You really have to say "oh yeah" every time you eat a candy bar?
Kevin: I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good.
[takes another bite]
Kevin: Oh yeah!
Jim: All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to.
Andy: It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!
Dwight: You need to stop banging your pen on your desk, or it's going to drive me insane.
Jim: Okay, done.
Erin: [shows bloody hand] Does anyone have a first aid kit?
Darryl: Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight...
[overlapping chatter]
Jim: Alright, here we go! Everybody get ready in three, two, good luck, one...

Andy: Why was I hiding behind the plant? Well, in college I took a botany class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the Botany class and they would say things like, "Oh, this guys gonna fail this class," or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?" and then I would jump out at them and confront them and be like, "Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people?" Busted.

News: Once again, a UFO has landed in America, the only country UFOs ever seem to land in.

Debbie: Honey, is that a swastika on there?
Rusty: Yeah. We won't use that.

Andy: Meredith shut your drunk hole right now.

- Yes!
Andy: Yeah!
Oscar: Are you okay?
Michael: Very nicely done.
Oscar: Are you okay, Stanley?
- Excuse me.
Dwight: Wow.
- All right, papa bear.

Andy: Big idea, double wedding! Me, Angela, you, Holly.
Michael: No. We would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
Jim: Yeah, we'd never do that.
Michael: Yeah, so there you go.

Rusty: I just wanted to sing Seal with my family like normal people.

Andy: And then I will say something positive like "Kudos," or "Job well done."
Jim: Or, "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!"
Andy: I can't tell if he's mocking me.
Dwight: Just ignore him.
Andy: I can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go.
Jim: I was mocking.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Andy: Yes! Like a chime or a bell.
Jim: Or a gong.

Kevin: [Andy is demonstrating his talent for Southern accents] Oh, now do the Swedish Chef.
Andy: I'm not familiar. What province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on "Sesame Street," dumbass.

Andy: In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyoncé.
Michael: I am Beyoncé always.
Andy: Not this time.
Michael: Yes, I am.

Stu: That is not Doug.
Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him!
Stu: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...
Alan: The Doug we're looking for is a white.

Andy: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on using...
[Stanely laughing]
Andy: ...this pencil.
Stanley: [laughs even harder] Oh, God!
Andy: What?
Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy: Well, I'm not going to use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.
Meredith: Come on. Give it a rest, pencil
[bleep]
Andy: I'm doing this for *you*, Meredith!
Meredith: I didn't want it!
Andy: Well, didn't you? Why didn't... Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?
[throws pizza against the wall and storms out of the conference room]

Ryan: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan: What?
Michael: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.
Ryan: No, it's 'whomever'.
Michael: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.
Jim: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

Andy: What if the moon was your car, and Jupiter was your hairbrush?

Hoagie: Alright, well, maybe I'll call the police. This is assault, right? You willing to go to jail for this?
Jerry: You're goddamn right I am.

[first lines]
Pam: W. B. Jones is renovating their offices, and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
Jim: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot
[tilts head]
Jim: over there.
Pam: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today, Jim.
Jim: Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Jim: Nature!
Oscar: I've been here nine years, now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.
Andy: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar!
Kevin: [on the ground, rubbing his feet and crying angrily] I will quit. As God as my witness *I will quit*
[sniff]
Kevin: if this is not fixed!
Pam: Some of us like the walk more than others.
Kevin: [off-screen] Hurts like hell...

Andy: Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.

Alan: Nothing worse than losing your phone.
Stu: You just saw a man get murdered. Your brother-in-law is kidnapped. You sure there's nothing worse?

Michael: I'm too depressed to save the big game, Billy. I'm at my low point.
Billy the Bartender: When you're sad, you don't do your job no good. And this country needs you to do your job good.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Billy the Bartender: I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know how's. Hey, kid!
[he throws a quarter to a boy]
Billy the Bartender: Hit G9 on the jukebox!
Michael: No. Don't, Billy. I haven't done that dance since my wife died.
Billy the Bartender: This isn't just about you anymore. There's a whole crowd of people out there who need to learn how to do the Scarn.
Drunk: The Scarn? Sounds gay.
Michael: It is gay. And straight, and black, and white, and young, and old, and cool. Check it!

Andy: [to Jim about his sexuality] For the record, I prefer women. But off the record, I'm kinda confused.

- What's so funny?
- You had to be there.
- Oh, yay, geography joke.
- Oh. Wow, okay. All right, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale.
Andy: Bye.
- See you later, Michael.

[first lines]
Andy: Val, I need the space.
Val: Alright guys, clear out.
Andy: Everybody out.
Val: Promise me you're going to clean up.
Andy: I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do.
Val: Promise me that...
Andy: Obviously I'm going to clean up.