Top 30 Quotes From Phil

Alan: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu: It's also illegal.
Alan: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

Alan: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil: How'd he die?
Alan: World War II.
Phil: Died in battle?
Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

Phil: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
Phil: Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up.
Tracy: What are you talking about?
Phil: The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we lost Doug.
Tracy: What?
Phil: We can't find Doug.
Tracy: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil: [yells from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
Stu: I should go.
Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

[from trailer]
[back in Vegas]
Stu: I told myself, I would never come back.
Phil: Don't worry, it all ends tonight...

Phil: To a night the four of us will never forget!

Phil: [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa] What the hell is that?
Stu: What's it look like?
Phil: If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!
Doug: She's not that bad.
Phil: Doug, she beats him!
Stu: That was once, and I was out of line.

Phil: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan: Wearing what?
Phil: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?
Alan: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil: So does Joy Behar.

Phil: [to Alan while driving the Wolf Pack to Arizona] You know I meant to tell you earlier. That's a very cool vest you got on.
Alan: Thanks Phil it was my Dad's. He died in it.
Stu: Whoa! That's intense!

Alan: Leslie, get down from there! Please, you're gonna hurt yourself!
Mr. Chow: Nothing hurts Chow. I am invisible!
Phil: It's invincible, and you're not, you're just out of your fucking mind!

Alan: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu: I don't know, because I don't remember.
Phil: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Alan: One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.
Stu: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan: Thank you.

Marshall: Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.
Phil: But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!
Marshall: Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.
Alan: Can you take Stu instead?
Stu: Fuck you, Alan!

Doug: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

Phil: What the fuck is wrong with those chickens?
Mr. Chow: They're angry. All I feed them is cocaine. And chicken.

[the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite]
Stu: [sees he has implants] I have boobies now!
Cassie: [laughs] Oh my God...
Phil: [laughs] Holy shit!
Stu: It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?
Alan: The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...
[Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword]
Mr. Chow: [laughs] We had a sick night, bitches!
[the monkey jumps back on Stu]

Phil: [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug] GOD DAMN IT!
Alan: Gosh darn it!
Phil: SHIT!
Alan: Shoot!

Phil: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.

Officer: [to a group of schoolchildren] Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal
[tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]
Officer: ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
Officer: Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
[Alan steps forward]
Officer: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
[to Phil]
Officer: You, pretty boy.
Officer: [to girl] Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
Phil: You don't really want to do this.
Officer: You can do this. Just focus.
Phil: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
Officer: *Finish him!*
[the girl tasers Phil]
Officer: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
Officer: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
[the kid tasers Alan]
Officer: *In the face! In the face!*

Alan: She's my soulmate and my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me.
Phil: Oh my God.
Doug: Uh, Alan, maybe never say that part again.
Alan: Chillax, Doug. We're all adults here. I know you mount my sister. I've seen it. Many times.

Phil: No that's perfect, that's like a three hour drive from here.
Alan: Yeah Stu, try reading a map.
Stu: Yeah Alan, try reading... anything... ever.
Alan: Yeah Stu, try having not such big horse teeth.

Alan: Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
Phil: Who cares, man.
Alan: Do you know Stu?
Stu: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan: But it's not tonight right?
Stu: No I don't think so.
Alan: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.

Woman in Elevator: [looks at the baby] Oh, how cute. What's his name?
Phil: Ben.
Alan: Carlos.

Phil: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.

Mr. Chow: Who sent you?
Phil: No one! No. We just wanted to see you!
Mr. Chow: Liar! No one wants to see Chow!

Phil: Hey, what's your password?
Alan: Hey Phil?
Phil: Yeah?
Alan: No, that's it.
Phil: What?
Alan: That's my password. Hey Phil.

Old: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
Alan: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
[the old man walks away]
Alan: Yeah. You better walk on...
Phil: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.
Doug: Yeah, he means well.
Alan: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.

Phil: I was just talking to Cassie. She's an amazing woman.
Alan: Oh, thank you for saying that. She is an amazing woman. I find her much better than your wives.

Alan: You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.
Phil: Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.

Stu: Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?
Phil: Obviously because we had a great fucking time.

Alan: I almost died Phil!
Phil: Come on! I was not going to let you go you're my boy!
Alan: And you're my man!