The Best Doug Quotes

Old: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
Alan: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
[the old man walks away]
Alan: Yeah. You better walk on...
Phil: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.
Doug: Yeah, he means well.
Alan: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.

Doug: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

[last lines]
Doug: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu: I say we delete it right now.
Phil: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan: Yeah it's in there!
Doug: Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil: Deal!
Stu: Deal.
Alan: OK.
[the four of them look into the camera]
Stu: Oh dear Lord!
Alan: That's classic!

Phil: Who's this?
Doug: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
Alan: I met you like four times.
Phil: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

Alan: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu: It's also illegal.
Alan: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

Alan: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?
Doug: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan: I shouldn't be here.
Doug: Why is that, Alan?
Alan: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Alan: She's my soulmate and my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me.
Phil: Oh my God.
Doug: Uh, Alan, maybe never say that part again.
Alan: Chillax, Doug. We're all adults here. I know you mount my sister. I've seen it. Many times.

Phil: [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa] What the hell is that?
Stu: What's it look like?
Phil: If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!
Doug: She's not that bad.
Phil: Doug, she beats him!
Stu: That was once, and I was out of line.

[Marshall brings Stu, Phil, and Alan to his villa]
Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break into his old house, you broke into MY house.
Phil: I don't understand.
Marshall: You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't.
Stu: Oh, my GOD!
Phil: You mean the half he never had?
Marshall: He's a world-class rat, and you 3 were his accomplices.
Stu: We had no idea!
Phil: We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy!
Marshall: [sarcastically] Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And THANK YOU FOR KILLING MY FUCKING DOGS!
Stu: We didn't kill your dogs! They're just tranquilized.
Marshall: Oh, right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.
Stu: What?
Black: And somebody's gotta pay.
Marshall: He's right.
[points his gun at the Dougs]
Doug: No no no no, NO!
[Marshall shoots Black Doug and his body splashes into the pool]
Marshall: My head of security, couldn't stop 3 fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.

Alan: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
Doug: Ok, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...
Alan: Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
Doug: What?
Alan: You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.