The Best Kevin Griswold Quotes

Kevin: You have such a vagina.
Rusty: Okay, enough, enough. Now, young man, we talked about the bullying of your older brother. That's right. We don't make fun of someone just because they're different.
James: I don't have a vagina.
Rusty: I'm just saying, if you did it wouldn't be okay for Kevin to tease you about your vagina.
James: Why are you making it sound like I have a vagina?
Rusty: I know you don't have a vagina. I'm not doing that.

James: [surprised] What's Mom doing?
Rusty: She's, uh, teaching these bitches a lesson.
Kevin: [in awe] This is the best thing I've ever seen.
James: Why is she puking so much?
Rusty: It's for ass burgers.

Rusty: Maybe for lunch we can find a burger place. You know, like a... Like a drive-through burger place.
James: I don't know, Dad. I think we should steer clear of that.
Rusty: Good one, James.
Debbie: All right, enough, you guys. Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just moo-ve on.
Kevin: Oh, I got one.
Rusty: Yeah, let's hear it.
Kevin: James is a piece of shit.
Rusty: Kinda missed the point there, buddy.

James: Mom, do you think Uncle Stone will let me ride his horse?
Debbie: I don't see why not.
Kevin: Do think I can shoot his guns?
Debbie: No, you cannot.
Kevin: Too bad.
Kevin: [to James] I would've shot you right off that fuckin' horse.

Rusty: We're going to Walley World.
Debbie: What?
Kevin: This is some bullshit right here!

Kevin: [after the whitewater rafting trip with a suicidal guide] Can we go home now?

Kevin: There was a hole in the side of my stall.
Rusty: Sounds like you found yourself a glory hole.