50 Best Nick Kroll Quotes

Lola: Hey, Jay, I wanna buy more Adderall. I'm in a race with these meth addicts about who can take a sink apart faster.

Depressed: [sobbing] Hi
Nick: Oh, hi.
Depressed: Do you hate me? Are you gonna kill me?
Nick: Uhh, no.
[throws aside the knife]
Depressed: Why not? I'm such a piece of shit.
Nick: But your apart of me. And I... Have to embrace you.
[Nick hugs himself]
Depressed: Are you getting a boner?
Nick: What? No. Why would you ask that?
Depressed: I can't help it. I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.
Nick: Yeah, me too.
Depressed: #MeToo

Mike: [to Gunter] Hey, Porky! Keep it down, will ya?
Gunter: Oh, sorry.

Coach: Did you know all those people died on my birthday?
Matthew: Uh... yes.
Coach: And you didn't tell me? Why?
Matthew: Well, I thought it was funny, but now I'm not so sure. Kind of like Ace Ventura.

Andrew: [waking up suddenly] Oh, I just had the worst dream!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Tell me about it. I just had a wet nightmare about Mickey Rourke in a long paisley scarf.
Andrew: Again?

Douche: I'm gonna get you, my pretty! I'm gonna get you and your little sausage, too!
Teresa: Go fuck yourself, El Duche.

Connie: I'm not gettin' on the bus, baby.
Nick: Why? Because it smells like B.O. and jizz?
Connie: Naw! Those are my favorite smells. You know that.

Andrew: And it tastes like the baby changing station down at the chevron.
Nick: That sounds horrible.
Andrew: It is. It's ALL horrible.

Maury the Hormone Monster: Why can't you just sh*t in the bunk?
Andrew: Everyone's hooking up in there, and you know I get caca-shy!
Andrew's: I'm not going anywhere, you fucking bird brain!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Strain, Andrew. Push all the blood to your face!
Andrew's: If you motherfuckers try and shit me, I'LL PULL OUT YOUR F***ING SPINAL CORD!
Andrew: Oh, God, Maury.
[strains very hard but doesn't how to do it]
Andrew: I'm scared. Maybe I can just hold it in forever
Maury the Hormone Monster: You can't, Andrew! You'll go mad! I think it's time for me to pop your dookie bubble. Shout-out to Bobby and Whitney.
Andrew: [his stomach was growling] Oh, fuck! Okay, I'll try anything. Just hurry up.
Maury the Hormone Monster: All right, Andrew, I think I--
[grunts and Andrew's poop cuts his throat]
Andrew: [Maury picks up the knife in blood] Maury! How did he get a knife?
Andrew's: I'm a pile of shit with nothing to lose!
[when Maury's throat was cut]
Andrew: Oh, no, Maury. Stay with me. No! Shh, just hold it in. No, just don't let the blood out--
[when Andrew hears the poop cackling and his body was decayed]
Andrew: [sobbing in fright] Why are you doing this to me?
Andrew's: You made me! I am the ugly hate inside of you, and I'll keep getting bigger and BIGGER until WE ARE ONE!
[maniacal laughing]
Andrew: [Andrew wails] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Coach: My eyes exploded! Awesome!

Nick: Why are you all so mean? And why is Berman still here if his brother's dead? He should be home with his family!
[the campers were gasping]
Berman: My mom said Eli would've wanted me to finish out the summer.
Seth: [crowd booing to Nick] Now he's crying.
Andrew: Get off the stage, Soup!
Connie: RUN, sugar! RUN INTO THE WOODS!
Jessi: [when Nick runs away crying] Oh, Nick.

Seamus: So, you let the woman lock up your pathetic little prick, eh?
[he stands up]
Seamus: No wonder she's such a ball-busting hag.
Elliot: What did you just say?
Seamus: I said... your wife's a BITCH!
Elliot: DIANE IS GOD!
[he punches his face and falls off on the floor, and Andrew screams]
Nick: Holy shit! Dad, you punched Grandpa.
Judd: [he uses his hands in sign language] I love you, Dad.
Elliot: [panicked] Oh my god! What have I done? Father, are you okay?
Seamus: [he looks at him, then licks the blood out] Well, look at you.
Elliot: Here.
Seamus: William Wallace MacGregor, welcome home, son.
[gives him a hug, and chuckles nervously]

Rick the Hormone Monster: [coming out of the bathroom] Do not go in there, unless you wanna see doo doo in the sink.

Nick: I don't wanna be that guy that tells other guys they're being misogynists.

[Douche seeing that Brenda, Lavash, Sammy Bagel, Jr. and Teresa have vanished and turns to Tequila]
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them! So you dragged me over to this fucking aisle with all these illegal products, and now I don't see them. So where the fuck are they? SPILL THE BEANS!
Refried: Que?
Douche: Beans, I swear to fucking God if you don't shut the fuck up!

Rosita: [comforting Ash after Lance cheated on her] Well it sounds to me, like you're way better off without that... that...
Gunter: That total super-jerk dinkleschplatt!
Rosita: Exactly. Total super-jerk dinkle... s-shplat.
Buster: Gunter and Rosita, you're on.
Rosita: Okay, here.
[gives Ash her purse]
Rosita: There should be some gum or some candy in there somewhere. Just help yourself.

Nick: Hey, Jessi, where's Missy?
Jessi: After that whole scene yesterday, she didn't come to school.
Nick: See what you did, Andrew?
Andrew: [Flips Nick off] Fuck you. Sit on this. Fuck your family.

Nick: Fuck my family, fuck Andrew, fuck Bernie Sanders!

Connie: I'm your hormone monstress, baby. I know everything. I'm watching you when you sleep, when you pee-pee, when you poo-poo.
Nick: What? You're watching me while I shit?
Connie: Well, I'm into poo-poo.

Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [after when she got humongous] Whew, I'm exhausted.
Nick: [he saw her so small] Hey, you're not so scary when you're small.
Jessi: Yeah, a mosquito is actually pretty manageable.
Gratitoad: And they taste delicious.
[he uses his tongue to swallow Tito]
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [she was swallowed] Yaah!
Gratitoad: Mm-mmm! When those bugs come back, and they will, you call your old friend the Gratitoad.

Nick: What are you doing here?
Andrew: Much like Johnny Depp in the shower, I am here against my will.

Matthew: [after a texting fail with a cute boy] What do I do? What do I do?
Maury the Hormone Monster: Kill yourself!
Matthew: Ooh, you're always pitching that!

[first lines]
[fades in recap of the ninth episode]
Andrew: I wish my dad could stop being such an asshole.
Nick: I wish I had my parents back.
Jessi: I wish... my dad would love me the way he loves that STUPID BABY.
Missy: [points at Nathan Fillion] I wish I was irresistible.
Jay: I wish I wasn't ME.
[he looks at the moon when a shooting star shoots in twinkling from the sky]

Nick: Since we're talking raisins, you're probably going to read a raisin in the sun this year I could possibly give you my nose.
Misha: Um that's awesome. Um... And I could read them.
Andrew: I could give you my notes but I've drawn some very upsetting things in the margins.
Nick: Andrew.
Andrew: Imagine two things that could never had sex with each other in real life.
Izzy: My mom and dad.
Andrew: It's a Tiger and a desk.
Misha,46821: Oh my god!

Depression: [she enters upstairs] But I'M not going anywhere, Jessi.
Jessi: [she was shrunked by Jessi] Oh, my God. Look at you, you're so cute!
Depression: [whimpers] Oh, shit!
Jessi: What happened?
Depression: I don't know.
[meows]
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Whoa! Honey, you shrunk the cat!
Jessi: Wow, I guess helping Nick made me feel less depressed.
Gratitoad: Ladies, and don't take this weird, but I'm always grateful for a little pussy.
Maury the Hormone Monster: Hey, man, peace and love, but I'm kinda the guy who gets to make those jokes around here.

Douche: What's up, little juicy box? You're leaking too, eh bro? And right out of your fucking dingle. Fucking sucks, right?
Juice: Dying... so cold...
Douche: [notices that the juice box is leaking, he gets an idea] Uh-oh. Light bulb.
Light: Yes?
Douche: No. Not fucking you, dummy.

Rick the Hormone Monster: Good thing I know how to dance like a mother baby, fucker.

Maury the Hormone Monster: I made a fire and I need you to stick a tree up my ass.

Nick: What's the point of research papers? Everything's on Wikipedia and it's all completely accurate.

Nick: Whoa, this is crazy. I'm actually controlling Marty's body.
Andrew: [he looks at him controlling Marty's body] Dad, are you okay? You sound exactly like Nick.
Andrew: That's because I am Nick.
Andrew: Nick, are you in there? What the hell's going on?
Nick: My evil future self has taken over my body.
Andrew: Oh, God! That can happen?
Nick: So, I possessed your dad through his butthole, and I...
Andrew: [he starts freaking out] What the hell are you talking about?
Nick: Oh, God, I was trying to calm you down, and now I realize I'm freaking you out more!
Andrew: Yeah, a bit!
Nick: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm the worst, and I'm gonna be like this forever!
Andrew: [He slaps him in the face] SHUT THE FUCK UP! You're making me more nervous.
Andrew: [but then calms down] Just let me breathe.
Nick: What do you mean?
Andrew: Fucking listen! Inhale for four.
[takes a deep breath and they both inhale]
Nick: In for four.
[and then they both exhale]
Andrew: There, that's better.
Nick: Okay, I'm still a little wobbly, but it might just be the sheer weight of your dad's balls. It feels like I have two paint cans hanging from my taint.
Andrew: Hey, wait... Nick, while you're in there, would you tell me that you're proud of me?
Nick: Oh, this is kinda sad.
Andrew: Come on, I...
Nick: Uh, sure, Andrew, I'm proud of you.
Andrew: No, damn it, say it like my dad.
Nick: Oh, okay, uh...
Nick: [then acts up like Marty] Andrew, you useless sack of nothing. I'm proud of you!
Andrew: Oh, thanks, Dad. I'm gonna hit you again.
[then slaps him once again]
Nick: Whoa!
Andrew: Nick!
Nick: You... You can see me?
Marty: Andrew, did you just slap me in the face?
Andrew: I did, twice, and I'm sorry.
Marty: Don't you dare apologize! For the first time ever, I'm proud of ya, son!
Andrew: Oh, maybe one day I'll kill you.
[and then chuckles]

Andrew: I've missed you, too!
Nick: Aw, give me a hug.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Nooooooooo!
Andrew's: [crying out loud when he fades away] Oh No! I'm losing my grip. Oh my god! Motherfuckeeeeeeerrrrrrs!

Colorado: These people are clearly in the state of Colorado. That's my jurisdiction.
Arizona: Juris-dick in my ass, Kyle. Look at her left foot. Smack-dab in Arizona. You weed-legalizing, Mile-High piece of shit.
Utah: Hey, there's no reason for that language.
Arizona: Sorry, Officer Mormon. You don't like that? I have an idea. Why don't you plug up your ears with Mitt Romney's dick?

Nick: Hey, Gals.
Misha: Hey.
Izzy: Hey, sup, sup.
Nick: Obviously, this your first time in the Caf, Right?
Izzy: Yeah, like first or second I would say.
Andrew: Well, the trash cans are by the door.
Izzy: Oh.

Professor: This is the brain of an average child. Right here is the Thinking-about-candy-lopolus. The Fear-of-what's-under-the-bed Lobe. This is the The-only-thing-I'll-eat-is-pizza,-chicken-nuggets-or-bottled-noodles Lobe. Right here is the As-soon-as-someone-else-has-a-toy-I-want-that-toy Anterior Lobe. And this, this is the Hahaguffawchuckleamalus. This funny little purple part holds our entire capacity for laughter. For years, I've tried to shrink it or cut it out entirely. But frustratingly our survival seems dependent upon it!

Maury the Hormone Monster: Ah, yes, the sternum. The jail of the heart, but the foundation for them boobies.

Gunter: You can't just sing it. You've got to show the fire of desire!
Rosita: The fire went out a long time ago.

[last lines]
Nick: I'm so sorry, but I can't stop!
Nick: [slaps Tito in the face]
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: You killed me! I get it! I'm the worst, and so are you.
Nick: I know! Andrew hates me.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And so does Seth! There probably making fun out of you right now.
Nick: You think so?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Here's what there definetly saying.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [acting as Andrew] Nick is a whiny little baby!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [acting as Seth] Let's jerk off on his pillow. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Nick: NO! Please stop saying this stuff!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: You're gonna have the worst summer. Everyone's gonna hate you.
Nick: [frightend] Oh shit, they are.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [spliting into three and then more] There gonna know you are aselfish little prick who has a little prick that nobody wants to fuck. You're gonna die a virgin. All Alone! As the world explodes from global warning! You dead, lonely little virgin.
Nick: I don't wanna be a dead lonely little virgin.
[sobs into fear]

Connie the Hormone Monstress: I think it's best for everyone if the boys keep their distance this summer.
Maury the Hormone Monster: Oh, I couldn't agree more.
Connie the Hormone Monstress: But... you can still bust open my biscuit once in a while.
Maury the Hormone Monster: I love a country breakfast.

Buster: Are you okay?
Gunter: Oh yes I'm fine, thank you... How are you?

Andrew: I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hormone: Not yet, that's why we gotta get to the bathroom, Sweetheart!

Andrew: I can't be horny and still be a decent guy?
Hormone: Look, as his holiness the Dalai Lama once told me, you have enough blood to fill your heart or your schvontz. Not both.

Douche: [sees Frank] Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you!
[prepares to punch him. But Darren tries to grabs Frank]
Douche: Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.
Darren: Well, it's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage... I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me!
[to Mustard, Ketchup and Relish]
Douche: Yeah, that's right, shut your mouths.
[to Frank, cackling]
Douche: I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a God's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
[takes a bite of his torso, Frank screaming in pain]
Brenda: [gasps, shocked] Oh, my God! FRANK!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats shit: Gods do, bro... I'M A FUCKING GOD!
Darren: Good-bye, little sausage.
[prepares to kill Frank]

Nick: [after the spaceship explodes] There's no one left. I'm alone. I'm all alone.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: You're not all alone, Nick.
Nick: W... who's there? Who... who are you?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [comes out of his spacesuit] It's me silly.
Nick: Oh god, Your Tito, the... the Anxiety Mosquito.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And your Nick Birch. You're sitting on a bus right now, FREAKING THE FUCK OUUUUUUUUT!

Shame: I feel I've lost my mojo.
Coach: I feel I've lost my pancakes.

Nick: Oh god, where am I?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Your LOST in the WOODS! I think this is how Berman's brother died.
Nick: Oh, I can't believe they were so many jokes about BERMAN!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [nervous] And then you sang!
Nick: Fucking CONNIE told me to be vulnerable.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: It was humiliating! Andrew's gonna tell everyone it's glow what a LOSER you are!
Nick: Oh that's totally what he's going to do!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [nervous when screaming] What if they call you soup... IN EIGHTH GRADE!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [when Nick saw lockers with the word Soup] YOU'LL HAVE NO FRIENDS! You'll never get LAID. You'll be an old man with an UNTOUCHED dusty little DICK!

[during the credits, as a Lyft driver]
Coach: Wai-wai-wai-wai-wait, Mon-Key, I forgot to ask! Whadaya do for a livin'? Ya need a phone charger? You want a tiny water that's been stuck in my trunk for three weeks? How 'bout some gum? You want me to eavesdrop on a conversation you're having on the phone? How about a conversation you're having with the other person in the car? You want me to seem like I'm not listening and then weigh in on what you're talking about? You want a melted candy? D'you wanna hear *my* life story? You wanna know how long *I've* been a Lyft driver for? You wanna watch me text and drive? You want me to take a weird route? You want me to make a left across traffic? How 'bout I pull over *here* for ten minutes? How 'bout me watchin' a TV show on my phone while I drive? Hey, you wanna listen to something? You wanna know what radio *I* listen to? You wanna know *my* political views? You want me to hear about *your* political views? What do *you* do for a livin'?

Maury the Hormone Monster: What have you got against tomato juice? It's delicious. It tastes like a vegetable's period.

Nick: [running away and shivering in fright] God! Andrew and Seth are such ASSHOLES. Ugh! Why are there so many fucking mosquitos? I can't breath! I'm fucking freaking out.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [strangling] Oh No! Are you having a panic attack? Ehhhhhhhhhhh!
Nick: What? Who said that?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Me! I did.
Nick: Aah! What the hell are you?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: I'm Tito, the Anxiety Mosquito.
Nick: Anxiety Mosquito?
[when Tito bites his arm]
Nick: OW!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: I'm sorry, people hated when I do that. People hated when I do everything. But do I stop? Noooooooooo!
[spins around up and down and bites his neck]
Nick: Oh fuck!

Nick: Okay, good time.
Andrew: [shouting to him] YOU SUCK!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Easy Andrew, Nick's already bombing your fucking a dead horse. Sure, it feels great, but it's not right.
Andrew's: No, that guy's an asshole. He fucked your wife, Missy!
Andrew: Well, sort of. Yeah, that's the essence of what occurred.

George: Your problem isn't that people laugh at you. Your problem is that you can't laugh at yourself.
Professor: Oh, really, Oprah? Is that my problem?