The Best Arliss Howard Quotes

Gunnery: Are you shook up? Are you nervous?
Private: Sir, I am, sir.
Gunnery: Do I make you nervous?
Private: Sir?
Gunnery: "Sir" what? Were you about to call me an asshole?

Dr. Jonathan Neyer: Clayton, this time next year, I will be surgeon general, I write text books on this procedure.
Clay: Really, that's, that's great, I sure hope you've read em Jack.

Gunnery: How tall are you, private?
Private: Sir, five-foot-nine, sir.
Gunnery: Five-foot-nine, I didn't know they stacked shit that high!

Dr. Ian Malcolm: When you try to sound like Hammond, it just comes off like a hustle. I mean, it's not your fault. They say talent skips a generation. So, uh, hey, I'm sure your kids are gonna be sharp as tacks.
Peter: Hammond's reach exceeded his grasp. Mine does not.
Dr. Ian Malcolm: Taking dinosaurs off this island is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas. And, uh, I'm gonna be there when you learn that.

Gunnery: Pickett!
Pickett: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery: 0300. Infantry. Toe Jam!
Toe: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery: 0300. Infantry. Adams!
Adams: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery: 1800. Engineers. You go out and find mines. Cowboy!
Private: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery: 0300. Infantry. Taylor!
Taylor: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery: 0300. Infantry. Joker!
Private: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery: 4212. Basic Military Journalism. You gotta be shittin' me, Joker. You think you're Mickey Spillane? You think you're some kind of a fuckin' writer?
Private: Sir, I wrote for my high school newspaper, sir!
Gunnery: Jesus H. Christ! You're not a writer. You're a killer!
Private: A killer, yes, sir!
Gunnery: Gomer Pyle. GOMER PYLE!
Private: [staring into space] Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery: You forget your fuckin' name? 0300. Infantry. You made it.

Captain: That God... he is one perverse entity.

Captain: Now, you ponder that for a second and then you tell me one more time where you think this body is.
Allison: You're standing on it.

Gunnery: Do any of you people know who Charles Whitman was? None of you dumbasses knows? Private Cowboy?
Private: Sir, he was that guy who shot all those people from that tower in Austin, Texas, sir!
Gunnery: That's affirmative. Charles Whitman killed twelve people from a twenty-eight-story observation tower at the University of Texas from distances up to four hundred yards. Anybody know who Lee Harvey Oswald was? Private Snowball?
Private: Sir, he shot Kennedy, sir!
Gunnery: That's right, and do you know how far away he was?
Private: Sir, it was pretty far! From that book suppository building, sir!
Gunnery: All right, knock it off! Two hundred and fifty feet! He was two hundred and fifty feet away and shooting at a moving target. Oswald got off three rounds with an old Italian bolt action rifle in only six seconds and scored two hits, including a head shot! Do any of you people know where these individuals learned to shoot? Private Joker?
Private: Sir, in the Marines, sir!
Gunnery: In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals showed what one motivated marine and his rifle can do! And before you ladies leave my island, you will be able to do the same thing!

Private: Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical.
Private: What was the matter with him?
Private: He was jerkin' off ten times a day.
Private: No shit. At least ten times a day.
Private: Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy fucker starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division.

Private: Don't shit me, man!
Private: I wouldn't shit you. You're my favorite turd!

Peter: You don't bring people halfway around the world to visit a zoo. You bring the zoo to them. San Diego is the perfect setting. People already associate our beautiful city with animal attractions: San Diego Zoo, Sea World, San Diego Chargers.

Gunnery: Where the hell are you from anyway, private?
Private: Sir, Texas, sir.
Gunnery: Holy dog shit! Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy, and you don't look much like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?
Private: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery: Are you a peter puffer?
Private: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery: I bet you're the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you!

Peter: You know, I remember the people who've helped me, Roland. There's a job for you at the park in San Diego if you want it.
Roland: No thank you... I believe I've spent enough time in the company of death.

Peter: [over radio] This is as good a place as any for base camp. That's first priority after we're finished. I want it up and running in thirty minutes. That's half an hour, understood? Over.
Roland: Cancel that order.
Peter: What? Why?
Roland: This is a game trail, Mr. Ludlow. Carnivores hunt on game trails. Do you want to set up base camp or a buffet?
Peter: [over radio] Let's find a new spot, shall we? Over and out.
Roland: Peter, if you want me to run your little camping trip, there are two conditions: firstly, I'm in charge, and when I'm not around, Dieter is. All you need to do is sign the checks, tell us we're doing a good job, and open your case of Scotch when we have a good day. Second condition: my fee - you can keep it. All I want in exchange for my services is the right to hunt one of the tyrannosaurs. A male, a buck only. How and why are my business. Now if you don't like either of those two conditions, you're on your own. So go ahead, set up base camp right here, or in a swamp, or in the middle of a Rex nest for all I care. But I've been on too many safaris with rich dentists to listen to any more suicidal ideas, okay?
Peter: [gives thumbs up] Okay!

Capt. Kenneth Push: That's my cab.
Ariel: I'll go.
Bridgette: Me too!
Marie: Me three!

Gunnery: What's your excuse?
Private: Sir, excuse for what, sir?
Gunnery: I'm asking the fucking questions here, private! Do you understand?
Private: Sir, yes, sir.
Gunnery: Well, thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while?
Private: Sir, yes, sir.

Private: I think what she's trying to say is that you black boys pack too much meat.

Private: Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?
Private: Hey, start the cameras. This is "Vietnam - the Movie."
Private: Yeah, Joker can be John Wayne. I'll be a horse.
Donlon: T.H.E. Rock can be a rock.
T.H.E. Rock: I'll be Ann-Margret.
Doc: Animal Mother can be a rabid buffalo.
Crazy: I'll be General Custer.
Private: Well, who'll be the Indians?
Animal: Hey, we'll let the gooks play the Indians.