Top 20 Quotes From Eric Idle

Artie: [convincing Merlin to help them get back to Far Far Away]
[weeping like a troubled teen]
Artie: It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble, 'cause there's a really bad man... and it's just so hard!
Merlin: Come on, take it easy!
Artie: No! I don't think you understand!
[collapses at Merlin's feet]
Artie: There's a mean person doing mean things to good people
Shrek: Oh, have a heart, old man
Artie: And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them?
[collapses and sobs inaudibly]
Merlin: [awkwardly] Oh, ok... Um, I'll go and get my things
Artie: [stands up and clears his throat]
[to Shrek]
Artie: Piece of cake.

Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away...
Sir: No!
Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away...
Sir: I didn't!
Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir: I never did!
Minstrel: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
Sir: Oh, you liars!
Minstrel: [singing] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.

Lenny: I'm ready for my segment!
Declan: Lenny, always exciting to hear from you! Did you ever try that new shampoo?
Lenny: Nope never did. Do you want to see me pay my cable bill? I have checks with butterflies on them. I am interesting.
Declan: No you're not.

King: Guards, make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
Guard: Not to leave the room... even if you come and get him.
Guard: [hiccups]
King: No, no. *Until* I come and get him.
Guard: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
King: No, no, no. You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave.
Guard: And you'll come and get him.
Guard: [hiccups]
King: Right.
Guard: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
King: No, no. *Leaving* the room.
Guard: Leaving the room, yes.
King: All right?
Guard: [hiccups]
Guard: Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we... oh, if... oh...
King: Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?
Guard: [hiccups]
Guard: Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?
King: No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and make sure...
Guard: Oh yeah, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him...
King: No, just keep him in here...
Guard: Until you, or anyone else...
King: No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard: Just you.
Guard: [hiccups]
King: Get back.
Guard: Get back.
King: All right?
Guard: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
King: And make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: What?
King: Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: The prince?
King: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: Oh, yes, of course.
[Points at Guard #2]
Guard: I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me I were to guard him when he's a guard.
King: Is that clear?
Guard: [hiccups]
Guard: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
King: Right.
[King of Swamp Castle turns to leave the room, both guards follow him]
King: Where are you going?
Guard: We're coming with you.
King: No, no, no. I want you to stay here and make sure *he* doesn't leave.
Guard: Oh, I see. Right.

Sir: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant: Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant: Burn them.
Sir: And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant: More witches.
Peasant: Wood.
Sir: Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant: ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant: Build a bridge out of her.
Sir: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant: Oh yeah.
Sir: Does wood sink in water?
Peasant: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir: No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant: Bread.
Peasant: Apples.
Peasant: Very small rocks.
Peasant: Cider.
Peasant: Gravy.
Peasant: Cherries.
Peasant: Mud.
Peasant: Churches.
Peasant: Lead! Lead!
King: A Duck.
Sir: ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir: And therefore...
Peasant: ...A witch!

Large: Who's that then?
The: I dunno, must be a king.
Large: Why?
The: He hasn't got shit all over him.

Tim: There he is!
King: Where?
Tim: There!
King: What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim: It *is* the rabbit!
King: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir: Oh, yeah?
Sir: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Sir: What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

Marge: I'm so proud of my Homer I feel my chest will burst. Can you edit that? I don't want to say "chest" in a movie.
Declan: You said it, and it stays.

Merlin: [meditating] I'm a buzzing bee... buzz, buzz, buzz...
Artie: Mr. Merlin? They...
[gestures to Shrek and crew, but stops short]
Artie: ... *we* really need your help. Do you think you can use your magic to transport us to...
Merlin: [interrupting] Sorry, kid, I don't do that stuff anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic there is!

Lenny: My daddy said I could have any birthday party I want. My cake will be a picture of a dinosaur, and all the guests will say, "Why, Lenny, that's a fine cake!" Then, "Yes", I'll say.
Declan: [narrates] I decided not to waste any more film on him after that...

Shrek: Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you di'n't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's wack!
[Shrek gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]
Artie: Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!
[knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]
Artie: Knock, knock. Hello! Hello!
[a holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door]
Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-
[the holograph cuts off. Merlin comes out the front door and says]
Merlin: I knew I should have got that warranty.

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir: I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir: Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir: How do know so much about swallows?
King: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Declan: The beta-male attempts to reclaim leadership of his herd. Ah, that's good narration.

Declan: I can't believe it! Homer Simpson a bloody millionaire?
Homer: Why are you so shocked? This is our fifth take.

Declan: Are you and Marge planning on having children?
Homer: No way! You won't find a couple of rugrats tying me down.
[Cut to Homer and Marge with young Bart and Lisa]
Homer: I hope you don't use this shot after the one where I say I won't have kids, because that would be a devastating edit.

Minstrel: [singing] He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off And his penis...
Sir: That's enough music for now, lads.

King: [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say, Brother Maynard?
Brother: It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "
King: What?
Brother: "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"
Sir: What is that?
Brother: He must have died while carving it.
King: Oh come on!
Brother: Well, that's what it says.
King: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.
Sir: Maybe he was dictating it.
King: Oh shut up!
Sir: Well does it say anything else?
Brother: No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".
[knights making groaning sounds]
Sir: Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?
Sir: Where's that?
Sir: France, I think.
Sir: Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?
King: No that's Saint "Ives".
Sir: Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!
[All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"]
Sir: Whooooouuuuaaa!
Sir: No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.
Sir: No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.
Sir: Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"
Sir: Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]
King: How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir: I know not, my liege.
King: Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...
Brother: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.
Brother: Amen.
All: Amen.
King: Right. One... two... five!
Galahad: Three, sir.
King: Three!

The: Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large: Here's one.
The: That'll be ninepence.
The: I'm not dead.
The: What?
Large: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The: I'm not dead.
The: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large: Yes he is.
The: I'm not.
The: He isn't.
Large: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The: I'm getting better.
Large: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The: I don't want to go on the cart.
Large: Oh, don't be such a baby.
The: I can't take him.
The: I feel fine.
Large: Oh, do me a favor.
The: I can't.
Large: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large: Well, when's your next round?
The: Thursday.
The: I think I'll go for a walk.
Large: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The: I feel happy. I feel happy.
[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large: Ah, thank you very much.
The: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large: Right.

The: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Sir: But you are dressed as one!
The: *They* dressed me up like this!
Crowd: We didn't! We didn't...
The: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Sir: [lifts up her false nose] Well?
Peasant: Well, we did do the nose.
Sir: The nose?
Peasant: And the hat, but she is a witch!
Crowd: Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!
Sir: Did you dress her up like this?
Peasant: No!
Peasant: No!
Peasant: No!
Peasant: No!
Peasant: No!
Peasant: Yes!
Peasant: Yes!
Peasant: Yeah, a bit.
Peasant: A bit!
Peasant: A bit!
Peasant: A bit!
Peasant: But she has got a wart!
Random Person in the crowd: [coughs]