The Best Helen Crump Quotes

Helen: [in front of the 5th grade class] Mr. Bass, return to your seat!
Ernest T. Bass: Okay. Can I tell you somethin' before I do?
Helen: What is it?
Ernest T. Bass: I *love* you.

[after getting in a fight with Andy]
Helen: Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?

Barney: [Andy has been twitting Barney about his ignorance of history, specifically the Emancipation Proclamation]
[to Helen]
Barney: So have you told him about the Emancipation Proclamation yet?
Helen: Well, no, I haven't had a chance to...
Barney: Well, go ahead, I just want to see if your version of it jibes with mine!

Andy: I'll get Alice a date and then all four of us will go out and you'll see that everything is alright. I know just who I'll get, too - Howard Sprague. Because Howard has always had a crush on Alice and she is pretty and got a fine figure and a good sense of humor and she's intelligent.
Helen: Well, you take her and I'll go with Howard.

Mary: Tall, dark, and...
Thelma: Door prize!
Helen: [in unison with Thelma Lou] Door prize!

Goober: [doing his Cary Grant impersonation] Judy Judy Judy.
Andy: Good Goob, but Cary Grant wasn't in "Picnic".
Helen: It was William Holden who was in "Picnic".
Goober: I can't do William Holden. He talks like everybody else.

Howard: [writing his column for the paper] See how this sounds: Although this reporter was assigned to cover today's Mayberry - Mt. Pilot baseball game, he must admit frankly that he has very little knowledge of baseball. However, after witnessing this game, it appears that more important than the knowledge of baseball is the knowledge of people. For instance, why does a man take on a job as umpire and expose himself to all kinds of abuse? I know why one man in particular did it...
Aunt: [reading the column] His reason was because he was asked to as a favor. He wasn't particularly anxious to do it because his son happened to be playing on the team and he didn't want to run the risk of being completely impartial...
Goober: [continuing to read the column] It seems to me that once a man is asked to handle a job like that, any decisions he makes, right or wrong, should be accepted in the spirit in the spirit of good sportsmanship...
Helen: [finishing reading the column] If any of you critics want the job of umpire at next year's game, let him speak up loud and clear. Frankly, I don't think we'll get too many offers.

Andy: I'll get her a date. That make you feel better? I'll get her a date.
Helen: Fine.
Andy: Got any suggestions?
Helen: Goober, get her Goober.
Andy: That's not fair.

Helen: [Discovering Andy and Barney with the "Fun Girls" in the jail] Well! You seem to be getting a better class of prisoner!

Helen: Hey, you wanna take a drive up to Myer's lake?

Roger: You know, if we look back on some of the successful women authors, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Helen Crump doesn't quite have the same ring.
Helen: Are you talking about possibly a pen name?
Roger: Possibly, possibly. Harold, I think Harold had a thought.
Harold: Helaine Alexian DuBois.

Deputy: Just give me five minutes behind the barn with him!
Helen: He'd kill you.

Helen: Let me go slip into something uncomfortable.

Goober: I love picnics. Speaking of picnics, you remember that movie 'Picnic'? Cary Grant sure was good it that movie.
Andy: Goober, Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.
Goober: He wasn't? Well, speakin' of Cary Grant, I do him.
Helen: What?
Goober: I take off on Cary Grant. Want to hear me do Cary Grant?
Andy: Uh, Goober...
Goober: Be glad to. Judy. Judy. Judy.
Andy: That's real good, Goober; but Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.
Helen: That was William Holden.
Goober: William Holden? Heck, I can't do William Holden; he sounds like everybody else.
[Andy and Helen walk off with Goober following]
Goober: I can't do William Holden, but I can do Cary Grant. Judy. Judy. Judy.

Sheriff: I just don't know what to do. I can't put him in jail, he keeps breakin' out. I can't make him understand he's got to leave Helen alone. I don't know what to do with him.
Deputy: Well, you won't listen to me - you won't listen to your old dad. All I have to do is give him a couple of karate chops, flip him into a corner, and he'd get up and head back for the mountains, never to be seen again.
Sheriff: He'd kill you.
[Barney looking annoyed]
Sheriff: Well, the easiest way is to satisfy him - he wants an education, we'll give him an education. We'll fix him up with a diploma and everything.
Deputy: I still say, five minutes behind the barn!
Helen: He'd kill you.

Andy: [on the phone with Helen] Well to tell you the truth, Darlene's been just like a sister to me.
Helen: [Darlene gives Andy a loud kiss on the cheek] What was that?
Andy: Miss Mason just opened a bottle of pop.

Helen: This is Andy.
Roger: Hi there, Sandy.