20 Best Joe Caputo Quotes

Joe: [to Linda on phone] I'll meet them halfway if you meet me halfway.

Joe: What am I gonna do with you, Maureen Kukudio?
Maureen: Send me to bed. But, feed me first then, send me to bed.
Joe: You ran away.
Maureen: Yeah, everyone ran away.
Joe: You extra ran away.

Joe: Inmate Mendoza, glad you could join us. What's on the menu today?
Gloria: Food.

Tasha: How am I supposed to get a bunch of strangers to care about me, when my own friend don't give a damn. Don't nobody give a damn about me.
Joe: Jesus. I quit my job over you. All those people in the gallery everyday, they care what happens to you too. I bet you even Cindy does. Who knows what went on behind the scenes with her. You think this is what Poussey would have wanted? That's right. I said her name. I should have said her name! Taystee, you still got a chance. What you say on that stand tomorrow matters a lot. So you've got to get in there, and you've got to fight like hell for yourself. Just like you did during the riot. Who knows? Maybe that jury will surprise you. But they're not going to get the chance, if you've already given up. Tell me you haven't given up.

Joe: Was it Linda?
Tasha: Possibly.
Joe: It wasn't Natalie, was it?
Tasha: [clicks tongue] Linda sounds more right.

Joe: Did it not occur to you that we'd come after you?
Angie: I don't know. I kept a pet frog in the laundry for eight months and no one ever noticed.

[the inmates are in their underwear after a bed bug infestation has rendered their uniforms unwearable. CO Maxwell holds up a blue paper uniform]
Joe: Until every uniform in this prison is washed and rewashed, you will be wearing Office Depot's new fall line.
Marisol: I ain't wearing that fucking paper shit!
Maritza: That's my color. I'm wearing it.

Joe: See you next Tuesday.
Natalie: Yeah, see you next Tuesday-
[pause]
Natalie: I see what you did there!

Joe: A frog?
Angie: We named him Benny, but then he suffocated and died.
Joe: That's what happens in prison.

Joe: You ever see an image that sears itself into your brain? Like that movie about the hiker guy, who cuts off his own arm with a Swiss Army Knife? Yeah, the sound... the tendons... FUCK! I wish I'd never watched that part.
[pause]
Joe: You know what tops that for me? You know what image I can't unsee, it's still stuck in there, flickering at least once a day, making me want to lose my lunch?
George: [busy munching loudly on snacks, answers with his mouth full] No, sir.
Joe: Your bare ass, Mendez. Your pimply, white ass -
[Mendez snickers, shakes his head a bit bewildered, but continues munching]
Joe: - Bouncing up and down between the brooms and the mops, ramming into that poor girl.
[wags his finger angrily at Mendez]
Joe: A girl that YOU were supposed to PROTECT! And KEEP SAFE! Your ass; it haunts me.
George: [keeps munching without a beat] Mmm. I'm sorry to hear that, sir.
Joe: I've been doin' this kind of work 25 years. And it's guys like you that give the whole profession a bad name. If it was up to me, you'd never set foot on this property again. But, considering that the D.O.C. didn't press charges, it was your word against mine...
[grins slowly]
Joe: ... Until now.
George: [mouth still half full, mumbles absent-mindedly] Well, I've been doin' my job, sir. Just gave out fifteen shots this morning.
Joe: [evenly] You got her pregnant.
George: [stops munching suddenly, stares] No...
Joe: [nods] Mmm. Sadly for her, yes. That poor girl is carrying around a sadistic little mustachioed shit inside her.
George: [to himself, in total shock] Whoa...
Joe: [smiles broadly] Mendez - you're fuckin' fired.
George: [gets up awkwardly, dusts his hands off on his pants] ... I understand, sir.
Joe: [chuckles, keeps grinning, as he beats Mendez to the door] No, um... I... I don't think that you DO understand.
[opens the door to reveal two U.S. Marshals]
Joe: You're also under arrest.
Arresting: [handcuffs Mendez] We're in.
George: [says nothing, but glares silently at Mendez]
Joe: [still smiling, reaches to unclip Mendez's radio from his belt and shoulder clip] Let me get that for you.
[Mendez is led out of his office, as Caputo silently pumps his fist victoriously]

Charlie: So what, we just sit here all night with a killer on the loose?
Joe: A killer is not on the loose. A killer is in prison.

Gloria: I need furlough.
Joe: Please, don't make me laugh. I don't want to breathe any harder than I have to.

[Caputo and Figueroa have just finished having sex]
Natalie: Ew.
Joe: Gross.

Joe: It's important to get in there early, teach him the right things.
Natalie: Like how not to sexually harass women?
[Joe gives her an angry look]
Joe: What if he's gay? We gotta teach him to not sexually harass men, too. Then we gotta teach him not to harass the non-binary. If he, in fact, wants to be referred to as "him". We may get a "they".

Tasha: If this, if this don't go my way, I ain't going back to Litchfield. I ain't spending the rest of my life in there.
Joe: Taystee. We shouldn't even be thinking about that possibility.
Tasha: I got 2 options that could happen when the jury comes back and I've got to think about both. I've got to prepare for both. Do you understand that? Mr Caputo, its nice, what you're trying to do and all but the jury ain't going to see some article.
Joe: But they did see you. They saw you take that stand and shine. They saw the Taystee I know, who wouldn't hurt anybody.
Tasha: No.
Joe: Who inspired me, cause she wouldn't stop finding, and scraping for justice.
Tasha: No! No! No! Were you paying attention? There ain't no justice. Not for Poussey. And not for me!
Joe: Then what am I doing here, Taystee? What have we been doing this whole time?
Tasha: Charades.

Joe: I am the warden.
Maureen: Really?
Joe: A rose is a rose.
Maureen: I like your... sunflower.

Joe: I asked you more than once to stay away from her, and yet, with the whole dorm half-naked, here you are. I'm writing you up, Bennett.
John: Mendez's mother is meeting with Aleida Diaz.
Joe: I don't care, and neither should you.
John: That's my kid we're talking about here.
Joe: This is not '"3 Men and a Baby." You and Mendez are not Guttenberg and Selleck. You are two morons and a ward of the state. Let go. Let go of the dream.

Joe: O'Neill, scatter the nuns!

Joe: Even if you're the city now, one day you'll be the monster. Working here changes who you are.

Joe: "Media Relations: Turning Scandals into Scandal-Ade."