Top 50 Quotes From Piper Chapman

Piper: What are you doing?
Nicky: [stops drilling a hole in the wall] It's uh, an art piece representing the futility of blue-collar labor in a technological age. And vaginas.

Piper: [about Red] She's issued a fucking fatwa on me!

US: [Piper is on the airplane toilet urinating] Could you lie, hurry it up a bit?
Piper: I'm going as fast as I can.
US: Really? 'Cause it sounds a little light.
[Piper grimaces, urinates forcefully]
US: Better.

Felicia: [about Piper's fight with Pennsatucky]
Felicia: Knuckled her, eh?
[grins]
Felicia: Did you get to feel the bones crack?
Piper: [grimaces in shame at the memory]
Piper: ...Yes, actually.

Brook: Anyway... I think if you shared a bit more easily, you wouldn't have beat up that girl - y'know?
[Miss Rosa and DeMarco look on in disbelief]
Piper: [flatly] No, Soso. I don't know.
[shouts]
Piper: No one has a fucking clue what you are talking about. Ever.
[harshly]
Piper: We are not friends. I am not your safety blanket. I am not your new Meadow. And, I definitely don't need your advice.
[menacingly]
Piper: I am a lone wolf, Brook. And a vicious one. Don't make me rip your throat out with my teeth.

Piper: He's a hit man? Oh I thought he was a rapist. I'm so relieved!

Sister: "Jealosy is as fierce as the grave"--Song of Solomon.
Piper: Toni Morrison?
Sister: The Bible, Sweetie.

Yoga: Don't eat the pudding.
Piper: What's the perspective on the pudding?
Yoga: It comes in cans marked Desert Storm. They have to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it.

Piper: What happened? What are you doing back here? And wh... what happened to your face?
Alex: Just a little trouble in lock up. I was in a mood. I forgot that you should let crackheads have their way.
Piper: Well yeah. Crackheads... Wookies... you know, you gotta let 'em win.

Galina: You-this is all your fault.
Piper: huh?
Galina: You been blabbin' all over about the chicken haven't you?
Piper: ...not really but even if I did you never told me it was a secret.
Galina: Because I thought you had more common sense... black girls know about chicken, of course they'll chase it.
Piper: ...why? Cause all black people like chicken?
Galina: Don't be racist - it's because they're all on heroin.

Alex: Like you aren't accountable for anything that ever happens in your life, ever.
Piper: Am I supposed to tell them that I made you get into the dryer?
Alex: No, I want you to get me out. Read that manual, unjam the door, step the fuck up! Wait, Piper, where are you going?
Piper: I'm just gonna go...
Alex: No! Don't you go! Don't you fucking leave me.
Piper: Okay
Alex: Okay, What?
Piper: I'm here

Piper: I'm gangsta. Like with an "A" at the end.

Alex: Maybe we can't hate fuck anymore, but we can still love fuck, right?
Piper: "Love fuck"?
Alex: Yeah.
Piper: Oh, that's so unappealing, my nipples inverted.

Piper: Smell my fingers. They smell like marzipan.

Piper: That is one formidable cock!
Alex: Hearing you say "formidable cock" is such a turnoff that, honestly, I might never get wet again.

Piper: Maybe, just maybe, we will get friendly again. Maybe.
Alex: We were never friends, Piper.
Piper: We weren't?
Alex: No. Not for a second. I loved you, I loved having sex with you.

Piper: [dressed back into an orange jumpsuit, stumbling in too-tight handcuffs and shackles in the snow, and sees an ominous school bus marked "CORRECTIONS" up ahead] ... Is that for me?

Larry: What?
Piper: You look beautiful, too.

Piper: [about her ring] What are you doing? You can't put that in your pocket, it's going to end up in the bottom of the washing machine.
Larry: Okay, um, where would you like me to put it then?
Piper: Up your ass.
Larry: There's no room, apparently my head's already up there.

Piper: I'm playing these guards like a flute. Like a group of flutes. Many flutes. I'm the flautist.

Sister: You got furlough, Chapman?
Piper: I did.
Sister: I've been in the Catholic Church a lot of years, and this is my first honest-to-goodness miracle.

[first lines]
Piper: As a get-out-of-prison gift, Neri had my astrological chart done. Or she downloaded it from the Internet. Either way, she thought it might give me some insight into myself. I'm a Gemini. In Latin Gemini means twins, so there's this inherent duality to me, right? If you believe this shit.

[Piper hangs up the phone and bangs on the wall angrily]
Charles: Hey! That's federal property.
Piper: *You're* federal property!
Charles: [raises his eyebrows and pulls out his notebook to write Piper a shot]
Piper: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. It's menses! It's menses madness!
Charles: [disgusted] Ew. Just go.

Piper: You have taught me... that... love hurts. You've taught me that life... it hurts. And I want to be there for you. I want us to be there for each other. So that maybe... it hurts a little less.

Piper: When you say that everybody hates me, you're being a little hyperbolic, right?

Piper: You know I could tell you a lot of things that would scare you, Dina. I could tell you that I'm going to make you my prison bitch. I could tell you that I'm going to make you my house mouse, that I will have sex with you even if we don't have an emotional connection; that I'm going to do to you what the spring does with cherry trees but in a prison way. Pablo Neruda. But why bother? You're too tough, right. Yeah, I know how easy it is to convince yourself that you're something you're not. I mean you could do that on the outside. You can just keep moving, keep yourself so busy you don't have to face who you really are. But you're weak.
Dina: Back the fuck off me.
Piper: I'm like you Dina. I'm weak too. I can't get through this without somebody to touch, without somebody to love. Is that because sex numbs the pain or is it because I'm some evil fuck monster? I don't know. But I do know that I was somebody before I came in here. I was somebody with a life that I chose for myself and now, now it's just about getting through the day without crying. And I'm scared. I'm still scared. I'm scared that I'm not myself in here and I'm scared that I am. Other people aren't the scariest part of prison Dina. It's coming face-to-face with who you really are. because once you're behind these walls there's no where to run, even if you could run. The truth catches up with you in here Dina and it's the truth that's going to make you her bitch.

Piper: Why do you always feel so inevitable to me?
Alex: I heart you.
Piper: You heart me? What is that? Is that like "I love you" for pussies?
Alex: Say "pussy" again.
Piper: I heart you, too.

Alex: They cancelled construction and grounds crew because of the active crime scene. So, snow day for us.
Piper: A murder day.
Alex: Yeah, well, that branding never took off in the same way.
[scoffs]

[sitting at the lunch table with Nichols and Morello, who is insinuating that Piper and Alex are having an affair]
Piper: No, absolutely not. That's ridiculous.
Nicky: Okay, where were you then? 'Cause I went by your cube...
Piper: Where was I?
[cut to dark chapel]
Piper: [moaning]
Alex: I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm...
Alex: [whispers] Shh. Show, don't tell.

Alex: I'm glad you're enjoying yourself now because it'll be *less* fun when people start getting killed.
Piper: You mean more people?

Piper: I want somebody I can have adventures with.
Polly: Look, adventure is just hardship with an inflated sense of self.

Piper: [defending herself to Miss Claudette] I have been here for less than two weeks. I've been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened and called Taylor Swift!

Alex: Do you know how freaking lucky you are that you just got sent to N.A.? She could have sent you back here!
Piper: What if that's what my subconscious wants?
Alex: No.

Piper: We were together. She was the love of my life...
Piper: ...I was there for Alex. She was what I paid attention to who I paid attention to. Everything else was just background.

Piper: I think I might have gotten Miss Claudette really mad at me.
Nicky: You know how some people have imaginary friends? I think you might have imaginary enemies.

Beth: Religious people are peaceful
Piper: Not historically

Piper: Against the wall for suicides.
Suzanne: Well this took a dark turn.

Piper: In the morning when I wake up, there are these few seconds before I realize where I am, and then I do realize, and I can't breathe. And I want to cry, and throw shit, and kill myself. When does that end?
Nicky: I'll let you know.

Piper: I need your panties.
Yoga: What?
Piper: Well, I will give you the panties, but I need you to wear them. I need your vag sweat. And mybe some, um, colorless discharge. I'm starting a business selling stinky panties to perverts.
Yoga: That's the miraculous adventure?
Piper: It's easy. I give you flavor packets, and you give me something you're, uh, you're already giving away for free.
Big: And then you get to keep the money.
Piper: And you are supporting a local business, keeping jobs right here at home. I'm like American Apparel, with less implied statutory rape.
Yoga: It's disgusting.
Piper: I understand. I too was once embarrassed and squeamish by my personal
[pauses]
Piper: eau de parfum. But then I thought: Why should I be ashamed? Isn't that a part of the self-hatred that has been bred into me by the patriarchy? And are those same men that would shame me not the same men that would wear my panties on their faces, inhaling deeply? Ladies, now is the time to be bold. For when these men smell your panties, they are smelling your character. Let them smell daring and courage. Let them smell women who are unabashed and un-self-conscious. And let them say that Litchfield, Litchfield is a place where women love their bodies and have love to spare. Sisters, we may be incarcerated, but our panties will travel the world. And in that way, long after we are gone, our smell, our smell will linger in some gas station in Toronto, in some office cubicle in Tokyo. And in that way, we are known. And in that way, we are remembered. Do you want to be remembered?
Big: Yeah.
Piper: Then sweat profusely, and fart with abandon, and make a reek. Make a reek, my sisters! Make a reek to last one thousand years!

Piper: The food here is *disgusting*!
[everyone at the table shoots her a stern look]
Piper: [pause] What?
Nicky: Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen?
Piper: [shocked and embarrassed] Oh, shit! I'm sorry!

Piper: What am I supposed to do now? It's like, we still live in the same place. It's not like I can just go take off and visit my slacker cousins in California for a few weeks while I like my wounds and stalk her on Facebook.

Jack: What seems to be the problem there?
Piper: The thermal fuse blew.
Jack: And you can fix that by yourself, honey?
Piper: Well, I sure can... if I concentrate extra hard with my lady brain.

Piper: Do you know it's a boy?
Cal: I don't. Not yet. But I'm willing it to be a boy because women are terrifying.

Piper: Not every Hispanic person wants the same thing.
Lorna: Sure, they do. They all want to come to America.

Zelda: Are you gonna invite me in, so I can finally meet that lizard that lives in your closet.
Piper: Is that a euphemism?
Zelda: Do you want it to be?

Piper: How about a Chinese character that says tranquility?
Larry: Oh, come on! A Chinese character can never pronounce tranquility.

Piper: I was a TA in college.
Joel: Oh, what's that? Like "Tits" and "Ass?"
[laughs]

Tasha: I told you. You a full-blown Slytherin. And I'm a lion-hearted Gryffindor, with the intelligence of a Ravenclaw.
Piper: But how does it even know this? I lied for every answer.
Tasha: They ain't all bad. Snape was a Slytherin. Turned out he had that selfless love.
Piper: I did have a snake once. A Burmese python named Krueger. Technically, it was Cal's, but Krueger liked me best.
Tasha: Did you ever talk to it?
Piper: Mm-hmm. When I was feeding him. Epic conversations. Mostly about the merits of frozen versus fresh mice, and why Mike Powell never loved me back.
Alison: You cold-blooded for sure.
Piper: Nobody asked you, Hufflepuff.

Piper: How are you doing?
Alex: Um, I mean I have nightmares, paranoia, sweaty, PTSD micro-flashbacks; but other than that... it's horrible.

Piper: Your scent is... strong.