The Best John Lyons Quotes

D.S. Toolan: Our art teacher put himself out of it, lucky man. Chased the music teacher, bored housewives, long school holidays. Why did I join the police?
Insp. Jack Frost: [Sardonically] Because you can't draw.

Frost: Mullet's out there cluckin' like a mother hen.
D.S. Toolan: [In his hospital bed] Oh, God! Don't let him in! Tell him I've died and gone to Heaven.
Frost: Heaven is not going to be an option for the people the likes of you and I, George.

[DS Toolan has discovered the body of a clown wearing a red nose, a red wig and white make-up]
Insp: Who the hell is that?
DS: [reading the clown's badge] That's Charlie the Chuckling Clown.
Insp: Well he ain't got much to laugh at now, has he?
[later, at the police station]
Supt: Who would kill a clown?
Insp: Oh, I dunno. Punch and Judy, maybe?

D.S. Toolan: [to Frost] Your hand - it's really bad, is it?
Frost: Yeah, well, you know, it's one of those things. When it happens, you don't feel a thing, and afterward it's just incessant pain.
D.S. Sharpe: [Dryly] Like workin' for you then?

D.S. Toolan: [to Frost] Alleged assault on a first year student - Helen Tudor by name, stunning by nature. Brains, beauty, and modest with it. Just the sort you'd kill for.

[first lines]
DS: [on mobile] OK, panic over. He's here.
Officer: Morning, Sir.
Insp: Good morning.
DS: Morning, Jack.
Insp: Morning, George. What've we got?
DS: Mass grave.
Insp: How many?
DS: Three. So far, anyway.
Insp: Three! It's hardly a *mass* grave then, is it?
DS: How many do you want?

D.I. Frost: Is it true what they say, George?
D.S. Toolan: Yeah?
D.I. Frost: The more you know about people, the more you appreciate dogs.

[first lines]
Insp. Jack Frost: George! George! Come here! I suppose there is no doubt that it was arson.
D.S. Toolan: Well, the Chief Fire Officer thinks so, yes.

[last lines]
DS: I had no option but to let him go, Jack, believe me.
Insp: No, I know; neither did I. But he has forgotten one or two little things.
DS: Hm?
Insp: Well... coroner's inquiry, they'll tear him apart, won't they. Limb from limb.
DS: Who?
Insp: Well, the press; who else? And even if they don't, they will after they receive a copy of this.
James: [on recorder] No witnesses. The perfect confessional.
Insp: Sent anonymously, of course.

Sgt. Arthur Hanlon: Is Jack up there, George?
DS: No, he's nipped out to see Tara Holdsworth. Shouldn't be long. Anything important?
Sgt. Arthur Hanlon: Oh, Mullett's beating around for his crime report from last night and he hasn't signed it, that's all.
DS: Oh well. Here goes.
[Toolan forges Frost's signature]
Sgt. Arthur Hanlon: You're getting quite good. Should try banknotes.
DS: Ssh!

D.S. Toolan: Questions are raised; we have to answer them.

DS: You're cutting things a bit fine, Jack.
Insp: You can say that again.
[finds recorder]
Insp: Ah. You scared?
DS: Me? No.
Insp: I'm glad someone isn't.

D.S. Toolan: Does anyone know where DI Frost is?
Sgt. Don Brady: [holding up PR] No, but I know that he left his radio.
D.S. Toolan: [taking radio] Oh, shhhhhh- sugar!

Mr: [as Toolan starts to pay him] Mr Frost usually makes it sixty.
DS: No, Mr Frost usually claims for sixty; Mr Frost usually gives you forty.

Supt. Mullett: [Slightly inebriated] Look, Jack, we've had our differences... of course, we have. You're a street cop. I'm one of those boring old farts who thinks about nothing but keeping the books straight. No, no, no need to deny it. I know what you chaps think of me, and to some extent, it's true. I've spent more time in college than I have on the street, and I'm...
DS: [Handing him a vodka and tonic] Sir!
Supt. Mullett: ...and I'll have to admit that when it comes to the practical side of policing, sometimes I'm out of my depth. Will you take my point, Jack?
DI: [Humoring him] Yes, yes, I do... absolutely, sir.

DS: Mr Mullett's in a flap!
Frost: I know! I'm still pulling feathers out of my hair!