Top 30 Quotes From Machete

Von: Habla inglés?
Luz: Depends on the question.

Sartana: Well, there's the law and there's what's right. I'm gonna do what's right.

Padre: It's not safe for you to be here.
Machete: I'm not looking for "safe".
Padre: No, I mean it's not safe for me for you to be here!
[Padre quickly blesses Machete]
Padre: I absolve you of all your sins. Now, get the fuck out!

Sniper's: Boss ain't gonna like this. What are we gonna tell him?
Sniper: Oops...

Machete: Get dressed.
Chica: It's too hot for clothes.

Torrez: You're Machete's girl. I know, 'cause you're his type.
Sartana: What type is that?
Torrez: Dead.

Senator: Well, I wanna thank y'all for coming out today, and I wanna thank my supporters from the bottom of my heart. Because we have been tested - tested by fire. Our border has been put to the test, and let me tell you: we have failed that test. The aliens, the infiltrators, the outsiders, they come right across by light of day or dark of night. They'll bleed us, they're parasites. They'll bleed us until we as a city, a county, a state, a nation are all bled out. Make no mistake: we are at war. Every time an illegal dances across our border it is an act of aggression against this sovereign state, an overt act of terrorism. Everywhere I go in this state people are talking about change. I say "why change"? This is a great state founded on the principles of liberty, I don't wanna change that. Our rightful citizens are hardworking Americans who earn their paychecks by the grit of their guts and the sweat of their brow! I don't wanna change that! "Change," that's what they want, change. Change the laws, open the doors. Red rover, red rover, let the terrorists come over! Let me tell you what change that'll bring: 68 cents. The jingle-jangle of pennies in your pocket because the scavengers, the leeches, the parasites are walking away with your money, while you're left with the change. So, I wanna say one more thing: who you gonna vote for?

Julio: We just wanna help, bro.
Machete: I don't need you help.
Julio: If not us, then who?

Von: There's nothing I'd like more than to see that Mexican dance the Bolero at the end of a rope.

Federale: You're the boss.
Machete: No.
[Pulls out machete]
Machete: This is the boss.

Sartana: I called in a few favors. Look at this. Got you all the right papers. You can start over now, be a real person.
Machete: [hands back the papers] Why do I want to be a real person when I'm already a myth?

Nurse: I can feel your eyeballs in my uterus!
Doc: At least they're not in your colon.

Sartana: I thought Machete don't text.
Machete: Machete improvises.

Booth: Where is Machete and where are my wife and daughter?
Padre: In hell!
[cries]
Booth: Then give them my best.
[nails Padre to a cross]

Henchman: Please father... have mercy.
Padre: God has mercy. I don't!

Doc: [Machete sees surgical tools] Oh, you don't want to mess with that. That's a skull scraper; we use that to scrape the bones clean. And those cut through flesh just like butter.
Machete: [grabs nurses belt] Pass me that tank.

Sartana: Yes, I am a woman of the law. And there are lots of laws. But if they don't offer us justice, then they aren't laws! They are just lines drawn in the sand by men who would stand on your back for power and glory.

Von: [after shooting a pregnant woman] I know most people don't like us. Call us vigilantes. But it's really about vigilance.

Booth's: [seeing Machete walking towards Booth's doorsteps carrying a pickaxe and a motor scythe] Hey, hey-heh, boss. Who are you?
Machete: The new gardener.
Booth's: The gardener.
[speaks Hungarian to Machete]
Booth's: Just fuckin' with you, cheef. It's Hungarian for I going to kill you, you little monkey. You know what, there's a big pile of shit in the back, you can go and clean that up, all right? Make sure you do a good job.
[Machete walks past him silently]
Booth's: Make sure to wipe those boots off. Carrying shit in the house.
[to his colleague]
Booth's: You ever noticed how you let a Mexican into your house just because he's got gardening tools? No questions asked, you just let him right in. Could have a chainsaw, you know, a machete...

Machete: Are you Shé?
Luz: If I were Shé, do you think I'd be operating a taco truck? Shé brings hope. Shé rights the wrongs. Unfortunately, Shé is a myth.

Machete: Machete don't text.

[first lines]
Federale: [in Spanish; subtitled] We're federal agents, not martyrs. This is suicide. She's just another kidnap victim.
[holding up picture]
Federale: What makes her special? Because she's a witness against Torrez? He probably has her locked up, drugged our of her mind. We don't have to do this!
Machete: If not us, then who?

Senator: [to April, who's dressed in a nun's habit] Sister. Please... I've done wrong. I've lived a hateful life. I'm not even from around here. I hate Texas. I hate the heat. Give me my last rites.
April: [points a large revolver at McLaughlin] In the name of my father...
Senator: My... my father? April?
[April shoots him three times in the chest]
April: I forgot the rest.

Machete: You're a fighter.
Luz: Only when there's something worth fighting for.

Sartana: We didn't cross the border; the border crossed us!

[Torrez is about to behead Machete]
Luz: He's gonna kill him.
Sartana: No he's not. He's Machete.
[Machete stabs Torrez through the stomach]
Luz: Got a point.

Von: The war's begun. Helter Skelter's here.

[last lines]
Sartana: Where will you go?
Machete: Everywhere.
Sartana: Then I'll ride with you...

Booth: Machete sent me a text.
Osiris: What did it say?
Booth: "You just fucked with the wrong Mexican."

Doc: How's the eye?
Luz: What eye?