Top 30 Quotes From Machete

Machete: Are you Shé?
Luz: If I were Shé, do you think I'd be operating a taco truck? Shé brings hope. Shé rights the wrongs. Unfortunately, Shé is a myth.

Sartana: I started working on the night shift taking out the trash. But I worked my way up. As translator, assistant... Now I'm Special Agent in charge of investigations.
Machete: Sounds like they still got you taking out the trash.

Luz: I thought Machete don't text.
Machete: Machete loves everybody.

Julio: We just wanna help, bro.
Machete: I don't need you help.
Julio: If not us, then who?

Machete: You're a fighter.
Luz: Only when there's something worth fighting for.

Padre: [offers Machete a cigar] Cuban?
Machete: Mexican.

Machete: [Answering the phone] This is Machete!

Machete: Get dressed.
Chica: It's too hot for clothes.

Sartana: I thought Machete don't text.
Machete: Machete improvises.

Machete: Machete don't smoke!

Police: Why help the U.S.?
Machete: 'Cause I'm the only that can.
Police: You're always the sensitive one, Machete.

Machete: I'm not interested.
Mr. President: Motherfucker, I'm not asking if you're interested. I'm the President of the United fucking States, man.

Grasa: Easy, hombre. You wouldn't shoot a man in a wheelchair, would you?
Machete: No.
[Machete shoots at an air tank, sending Grasa and the wheelchair rolling into enemy gunfire]

Voz: Mendez wasn't my only boogeyman. North Korea, Russia, I have a Mendez everywhere. And in a matter of hours, they'll launch on one another, throwing the world into gargantuan, unrecoverable anarchy. Too many syllables? The world is fucked.
Machete: Why?
Voz: This world must end in order for a more perfect one to emerge. And like it or not, Mr. Machete, you're coming with me.

Booth's: [seeing Machete walking towards Booth's doorsteps carrying a pickaxe and a motor scythe] Hey, hey-heh, boss. Who are you?
Machete: The new gardener.
Booth's: The gardener.
[speaks Hungarian to Machete]
Booth's: Just fuckin' with you, cheef. It's Hungarian for I going to kill you, you little monkey. You know what, there's a big pile of shit in the back, you can go and clean that up, all right? Make sure you do a good job.
[Machete walks past him silently]
Booth's: Make sure to wipe those boots off. Carrying shit in the house.
[to his colleague]
Booth's: You ever noticed how you let a Mexican into your house just because he's got gardening tools? No questions asked, you just let him right in. Could have a chainsaw, you know, a machete...

Machete: [Looking to a wall of weapons] What happen to the world peace?
Miss: Fuck world peace.

[last lines]
Sartana: Where will you go?
Machete: Everywhere.
Sartana: Then I'll ride with you...

Machete: Good luck on that pageant.
Miss: I'm gonna need a lot more than luck! Did you see the ass of Miss Corpus Christi?

Sartana: I called in a few favors. Look at this. Got you all the right papers. You can start over now, be a real person.
Machete: [hands back the papers] Why do I want to be a real person when I'm already a myth?

Mr. President: Machete, what's this I hear about you having Mendez in custody?
Machete: Things got complicated.
Mr. President: No shit! You were supposed to take him out, not give him a joyride on the Good Ship Lollypop! Damn it, I didn't recruit you for your sense of compassion. Machete kills. That's what he does! He doesn't save the bad guys! Now shoot that motherfucker!
Machete: If he dies, you die. The missile is wired to his heart.
Mr. President: Come again?
Miss: Machete, can it be disarmed?
Machete: Only where it was made. VozTech.
Mr. President: VozTech is the biggest weapons supplier to our military! You want to bring him all the way back to the fucking manufacturer?
Machete: I need your help getting him across the border. This is a part of something big. I can feel it.
Mr. President: Last time I sent a black op team into Mexico, they got dead and I got the Oval ass-fuck.

Padre: It's not safe for you to be here.
Machete: I'm not looking for "safe".
Padre: No, I mean it's not safe for me for you to be here!
[Padre quickly blesses Machete]
Padre: I absolve you of all your sins. Now, get the fuck out!

Mendez: Special Agent Mendez.
Machete: How many of you are there?
Mendez: Sorry, that's classified.

Machete: Machete don't tweet.

Machete: Machete don't fail!

Machete: You're crazy.
Mendez: With a capital C, muchacho.

Machete: Machete don't joke!

Voz: I never saw this.
Machete: Machete happens.

[crowd chanting "Carmen" and she peek out behind a curtain]
Carmen: I am NOT going out there!
Machete: Oh YES you are! You're a spy, you're undercover, and you have to make THEM think you're a pop star!
Carmen: I can't sing!
Machete: Who can these days? I can't tell you how many artists have used my Machete Miracle Microphone.
[He puts a microphone on Carmen]
Carmen: [with microphone] I can't sing...
[she heard her voice singing]
Machete: This will make you dance like Britney Lopez.
Juni: Hey, what about me?
[He hands Juni a guitar]
Machete: This will make you play like Angus Van Santana!
Juni: Cool.
Machete: Now get out there and ROCK!

[first lines]
Federale: [in Spanish; subtitled] We're federal agents, not martyrs. This is suicide. She's just another kidnap victim.
[holding up picture]
Federale: What makes her special? Because she's a witness against Torrez? He probably has her locked up, drugged our of her mind. We don't have to do this!
Machete: If not us, then who?

Title: [mock movie trailer] In a land beyond space and time...
Trailer: A new world enslaved. This is a land in need of a hero.
[Trejo removes his space helmet]
Trailer: They call him... MACHETE.
[echoing]
Trailer: Machete Machete.
Trailer: He knows the score.
Space: We need a leader. We need a revolution. We need you, Machete.
Trailer: He gets the space babes.
[deep kiss]
Luz: The people needs us, Machete. This is a new network. It's all... galactic and shit.
Machete: He thinks he's God in heaven. So heaven must fall.
Trailer: And he kills the bad guys. Starring Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez...
Luz: Eat photons, bitches!
Trailer: ...Alexa Vega. With Justin Beaver, as Bleep. And Lady Gaga, as
[provoctive music]
Trailer: whoever she wants to be. With special guest star Leonardo DiCaprio, as the Man in the Silver Mask.
[in a lower voice]
Trailer: Actor subject to change.
[louder]
Trailer: Machete Kills Again... in Space.
[lower voice again]
Trailer: Rated X for cigarette use, prolonged sexual content, pervasive language, and space violence.