The Best Mike Shepherd Quotes

Jared: I'm a suspect, aren't I?
Mike: Let's just say you're helping us with our inquiries.
Jared: I had a cousin that did that once. Problem was, he was so good at helping with the inquiries, he ended up in jail.
Mike: Was he guilty?
Jared: Well, technically yeah.

Gina: You don't like cycling, Mike?
DSS: Never been a fan, no.
Gina: Pity. I think lycra brings out the best in men.
DSS: ...Okay.

Mike: Chose a nice day to go. I guess. I hear you like golf.
Crime: [to Sims] Who's he talking to?
Kristin: The deceased.
Crime: [skeptically] Okay.
Kristin: You get used to it.

Gina: This girl was strangled by hands. You can see the bruising around here and here.
Mike: Big hands? Are we talking male hands?
Gina: Not necessarily. In Russia, some of the women's hands are very big. Quite scary actually.
Mike: You should never apply for a job in Russian tourism.
Gina: Why would I do that? I'm a doctor.

Mike: Okay! But anything that might be worth killing him over?
Kristin: Ah, yeah, well, Vince had a side project going - Gjallahorn - which he wanted to be the loudest band ever. So is that worth killing for? Apart from trying to prevent it from ever happening, obviously.

Mike: The deceased isn't Santa Claus. He's just a man in a Santa suit.

Mike: [Shepherd, carrying 2 glasses and a bottle of wine, joins Morehu, who is working in the vinyard] Hey! I meant to ask - what does quantum physics have to do with gardening?
[Hands Morehu a glass of wine]
Jared: Well, everything.
[They clink glasses]
Jared: Quantum physics is the theory that logically leads to the conclusion that everything is interrelated, and that what we see with our eyes, only a shallow outer form of a much deeper reality.
Mike: ...and what we see is...
Jared: What we see is what we think we see. And what's really there is most likely something we haven't even seen yet.
Mike: Well, that's as clear as this beautifully opaque Merlot.

Amy: [to her former patient Lulu, who is huddled in a corner of the police station] Lulu? It's Amy.
Lulu: [without looking up] Lulu isn't here. Just a mouse. Just an ordinary little mouse.
Amy: Well, remember I'm afraid of mice. Can I speak to Lulu instead?
[turning to Mike after getting no response]
Amy: Do you have any cheese?
Mike: Cheese? I'll... see what I can do.

Kristin: You never saw "The Lord of the Rings"?
Mike: I've got this thing about hairy feet.
Kristin: [laughs] Is this where you tell me a story about one of your ex-wives? Sorry, I didn't mean...
Mike: I don't believe any of them had hairy feet.
Kristin: Well, good.
Mike: Do you want to change the subject?
Kristin: Uh, yes, please.

Mike: It's the Doyle way: punch first and forget to ask questions later.

Kristin: Gina hates me.
Mike: No, it's an act.
D.C. Sam Breen: Ahh, no it's not.

Mike: [Tasting wine from a coffee mug] Hmm. Hint of gooseberries; grapefruit; dried figs; lapsang souchong.
Kristin: You have no idea, do you.
Mike: Busted.

Gina: What was the performance?
Mike: Hamlet.
Gina: [laughs] The Russian play.
Mike: Hamlet was from Russia?
Gina: No, but he is very Russian. He worries too much, complains about everything, takes too long to make up his mind, and when he finally does, it all ends badly anyway. Such is life.

Gina: In Russia, it is rude to ask a man his age. Because a man's life is like the River Volga, long and winding and always full of fish. But the age of a fish is of no importance. Only the taste.
Mike: [uncomfortably] Mm-hmm. Thanks, Gina.

Gina: Most likely a replica of the Shinto, from around the 16th century.
Mike: Mm, so not the KGB then.
Gina: You never know. Using foreign weapons could be a ploy to cover their tracks. I have deleted my Facebook account and told my mother not to call me. Just in case.

Ralph: I can see you as a marvelous Lavinia in "Titus Andronicus".
Kristin: That's a kind offer. Would you excuse us?
[she leaves the room with Mike]
Kristin: Would you think any less of me if I vomited on your shoes?
Mike: I can get a bucket.
Kristin: That man is the kind that gives Shakespeare such a bad name!
Mike: I couldn't possibly comment.
Kristin: For the record, Lavinia gets her hands chopped off and her tongue cut out.
Mike: Shakespeare, eh?
Kristin: Yeah, bet you don't get that with Patsy Cline.