Top 800 Quotes From Nicholas Brendon

[Xander, Anya, Riley and Buffy are watching a kung-fu movie]
Xander: Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.

Rupert: No, I-I don't see it, Xander. I mean, of... of all of us, you're the one person arguably that Faith has had the least contact with.
Xander: Yeah, but we hung out a little... recently, and she seemed to be, um... responsive.
Buffy: When did you guys hang out?
Xander: Oh, she was fighting one of those, uh, apocalypse demon things and I helped her. Gave her a ride home.
Buffy: And you guys talked?
Xander: Not extensively, no.
Buffy: They why would you...
[realizes]
Buffy: Oh.
Rupert: [also realizing] Oh!
[everybody looks at Willow]
Willow: I don't need to say "oh." I got it before... They slept together.

Xander: Uh, no worries. I can handle the Oz "full Monty." I mean, not handle-handle, like, uh, hands-to-flesh, handle.
Willow: Okay. Well, it's not for you. It's for me, um, 'cause I'm still getting used to half a Monty.
Xander: Oh. Good... *Half*? You and Oz? Which half?
Willow: [smiles] Wouldn't you like to know?

Xander: Excuse me? Who made you the boss of the group?
Anya: You did.
Tara: You said Willow should be boss.
Anya: And then you said, "let's vote," and it was unanimous.
Tara: And then you made her this little plaque that said, "Boss of Us," and you put little sparkles on it and...
Xander: Valid points, all. But we... I mean... We were just talking then.

Xander: I'm just... another great humiliation. And this time, it's even worse. This demon, he's, like, taking my life, and everyone's treating him... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up. Wil, I'm starting to feel like...
Willow: Like what?
Xander: Like... he's doing everything better. He's smarter and... I don't know. Maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.
Willow: Xander, no! You-you're just tired and, and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence.
Xander: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the Pearly Gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic-book collection. Come on in."

Aaron: It looks like we'll have to double up.
Derek: I'm not sleeping with Reid.
Penelope: [taking Morgan's hand] Dibs.
Kevin: [via phone to Garcia] What do you mean you're sharing a room with Morgan?

Rupert: Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor.
Xander: You could have just said, "Shh." God. Are all you Brits such drama queens?

[after trying to warn the dean]
Xander: Well, that was a waste of time.
Willow: I think he thought we were crazy.
Xander: Well, maybe if Anya hadn't opened the conversation with, "Everybody got both ears?"
Anya: I liked his wife. She gave me pie.

Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff but I've had a ton, and I don't feel any diff... Never mind.

Xander: [laughs] This time I'm ready for ya. No F for Xander today. No, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D minus.

Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there.
Buffy: A little blasé there, aren't you?
Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.

Xander: Am I right, Giles?
Rupert: I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.

Anya: What? That's it? You're not at least gonna, like, leave me a-a crossbow or a flame thrower, something to protect myself?
Xander: We don't want him to know we suspect anything. Besides, if he tries to leave, I don't want you confronting him. Call Buffy and just let her know that he's on the move. You're gonna be fine.
Anya: Better be. Because if I get vamped, I'm gonna bite your ass!
Xander: Wouldn't be the first time.
Anya: What was that?

Buffy: [about Willow] She certainly looks perky.
Xander: Yeah, color in the cheeks, bounce in the step... I don't like it. It's not healthy.

[Dawn is paralyzed]
Dawn: [mumbles] I'm really sorry.
Buffy: Oh, it's okay.
Xander: You couldn't help it. It had paralyzing fingernails.
Buffy: Just like you said it would. So, good on you.

Vamp: [has just shoved Percy after he tried to intimidate her; he's landed on the pool table and done a reverse somersault to the floor] I'm having an awful night.
[grabs Percy by the neck and hauls him to a standing position]
Vamp: You want to make it better?
[Percy struggles and grabs her neck, both uselessly]
Xander: [addressing some onlookers to Percy and Vamp Willow's altercation] What's going on? Is there a funny thing?
[Sees what he thinks is Percy attacking Willow and rushes over]
Xander: Back off!
[throws Percy to the floor]
Xander: Stay the hell away from her!
Percy: Okay - sure!
[scrambles away]
Vamp: Xander!
Xander: Will.
[taking in her black-leather-and-frill outfit]
Xander: Changing the look not an idle threat with you.
Vamp: You're alive!
[starts hugging Xander]
Xander: Ah, Will, this is verging on naughty touching here. Don't want to fall back into bad habits...
[Vamp Willow's arms slide all the way down his back]
Xander: Hands!
[steps back]
Xander: Hands in new places!
Vamp: You're *alive*.
Xander: You mentioned that before. Will, are you okay?
Vamp: [sadly] No. Everything's different.
Buffy: [walking up] There you are.
Xander: Hey, Buff.
Buffy: Aren't you going to introduce me to your... holy god, you're Willow.
Vamp: [to Buffy] *You*
Buffy: You know what? I-I like the look. It's..um... it's extreme, but it looks good, you know? It's a leather thing. And, uh...
[to Xander]
Buffy: I said "extreme" already, right?
Vamp: [menacingly] I don't like you.
Buffy: Will, I'm sorry about today. You know my foot likes to live in my mouth, but you know, you really didn't have to prove anything.
Vamp: Leaving now
[turns away]
Xander: Will, gotta say, not loving the new you.

Xander: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides "Doritos" and "Chihuahua."

Cordelia: This is great. There's an unkillable demon in town. Angel's joined *his* team. The Slayer's a basket case. I'd say we've hit bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh no! Here's a lower place.

Anya: [to a customer who just finished her purchase] Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They want me to tell you that, "Please go" just got replaced with, "Have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.

Xander: Poems. Always a sign of pretentious inner turmoil.

Anya: Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.
Xander: Without the laughs. We should have eloped.
Anya: No! I've been through too much planning this wedding, and it is going to happen. It is going to be our perfect, perfect day if I have to kill every one of our guests and half this town to do it.

[following Spike who's tracking blood]
Xander: We should've put a leash on him.
Buffy: Yes, let's tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.

Buffy: [emerging from the grave] Thought I was dead.
Willow: Buffy, your face.
Buffy: [feeling the transformation] Oh, God...
Xander: Buffy.
Buffy: Don't look at me!
Rupert: [softly] You never told me you dreamt of becoming a vampire.
Buffy: This isn't a dream.
Rupert: No. No, it's not. But there's a chance that we can make it go away. This all comes from Billy. Now, if-if we can only wake him up, I believe that the nightmares will stop and reality will shift back into place. But we must do it now. I need you to hold together long enough to help us. Can you do that?
Buffy: Yeah. I think I can.
Rupert: Thank you.
Buffy: Well, we'd better hurry... 'cause I'm getting hungry.

Willow: The Bronze is more fun this year, isn't it?
Buffy: 'Cause of the gloating factor alone, you know? We're all about college now. We've got heady discourse.
Oz: Yeah. Curfew-free nights of mom and pop-less hootenanny.
Xander: Coed dating prospects who find townies sexy and dangerous.
[everyone looks at him]
Xander: What, I can dream.

Xander: Yep. Vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow will fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a *lot*.

[doing research on how to help Angel]
Buffy: Are you sure this is how you wanna spend your Christmas vacation?
Xander: Yeah, this is actually the most exciting thing I've got planned. Who else can claim that pathetic a social life?
Willow: [entering] Hey, guys. What are we doing?

Cordelia: It's about time our school excelled at something.
Willow: Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.
Xander: We're number one!

Willow: So, we're pretty sure there are no more Tarakan assassins coming our way?
Buffy: Angel's sources say the contract's off.
Xander: How is Angel?
[Buffy and Willow look at him]
Xander: Pretend I care.

Buffy: Fine, okay? But someone still has to go warn the dean.
Willow: I'll go. I need the air.
Buffy: Not alone.
Anya: I'll go.
Xander: Me, too.
Buffy: You sure you're up to it?
Spike: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
Xander: I'm up to it.

Xander: Okay, on sleazing extra candy: tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double-bagger. You can also try the old 'you missed me' routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood?

Xander: Demons. Ah, well, there's something you don't see every day.
[chuckles]
Xander: Unless you're us.

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath?

[about the Watchers Council]
Xander: Yeah, don't they have phones?
[attempts a British accent]
Xander: 'Allo, Buffy. Here's some stuff we know. Pip pip.

Xander: An ice show? A show performed on ice. And how old are we again?
Willow: I saw "Snoopy On Ice" when I was little. My dad took me backstage and I-I got so scared I threw up on Woodstock.
Buffy: Look, I know you guys think it's just a big, dumb, girly thing, but it's not. I mean, a lot of those skaters are Olympic medal winners. And every year my dad buys me cotton candy and one of those souvenir programs that has all the pictures. And, okay, it's a big dumb girlie thing, but I love it.
Oz: It's not so girly. Ice is cool. It's water, but it's not.
Willow: I think it's sweet you and your dad have a tradition. Especially now that he's not around so much. Ixnay on the caramel corn, though, if you're go backstage.

Rupert: A true creature of evil can survive the process. No human ever has.
Xander: What's the problem? We send Cordy to fight this guy and we go for pizza.

Xander: He's not roaming around. If he stays with me, he's gonna get tied up again.
Anya: What about us, our romantic evening?
Spike: I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away.
Xander: That's not exactly one of my fantasies, either.

Penelope: I have gone through every frequency and wavelength an-and I haven't been able to pick up on anything.
Kevin: All right, well, just slow down.
Penelope: I'm frustrated.
Kevin: I get that. All right, let's just go back. You've checked audix?
Penelope: Yes.
Kevin: All right, Nady systems, AKG, Electro-Voice, VocoPro?
Penelope: Yes, yes and yes. I've gone through all every frequency in the freaking northern hemisphere, and nothing.
Kevin: I don't know, I mean these are the only frequencies that I know that are above ground.
Penelope: Wait. Underground.
Kevin: No, I said ABOVE ground.
Penelope: E.L.F. - Extremely Low Frequency. It's the only one that can penetrate underground.
[kisses Kevin by surprise, until computer beeps]
Penelope: Got a hit.
[looks back at Kevin]
Penelope: You've lipstick on your face.

Xander: [to Buffy] Hey! You forgot your... stake.

Xander: This is the Invisible Man Syndrome, a blessing in Cordelia's case, a curse in Buffy's.
Willow: You're not invisible to Buffy.
Xander: It's worse. I'm just a part of the scenery, like an old shoe or a rug that you walk on every day but don't even really see.
Willow: Like a pen that's all chewed up, and you know you should throw it away, but you don't, not 'cause you like it so much more 'cause you're just used to...
Xander: Well, yeah, that is the point. You don't have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike.

Dawn: I thought you hated Sunnydale.
Xander: Yes and no, with an emphasis on the "Yes."

[Buffy answers door to find Anya and a sick Xander]
Xander: Happy Thanksgiving.
Willow: Xander!
Rupert: You look like death.
Willow: Are you okay?
Buffy: You didn't bring rolls?

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying, you know. Simple, direct, stake through the heart, no muss, no fuss.

Xander: If you have to go to the bathroom, it's to your left. If you don't have to go to the bathroom, picture what you're about to face. Better to go now.

Willow: What do you mean, check him out?
Buffy: I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets. Hack into his life.
Xander: Can you say "overreaction"?
Buffy: Can you say "sucking chest wound"?

Anya: I care if you live or die, Xander. I'm just not sure which one I want.
Xander: Again with the comfort. Look, we both know things might get ugly at, uh, Wiccapalooza, and if it gets really bad...
Anya: Let me guess, you'll propose?
Xander: I need to know if you're gonna turn on me, use this little shindig as an excuse for some sweet revenge.
Anya: There is nothing in this world that would give me greater or more lasting satisfaction than to reap bloody vengeance upon you, Xander Harris. But I can't. Not officially, not magically. So, smile, it's your lucky day. You got away with it. I can't hurt you.
Xander: Right, 'cause you varnishing the table with Spike, how could that possibly have hurt? It may have chaffed...
Anya: That wasn't vengeance... It was solace.

[in Xander's dream]
Xander: I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after...
Joyce: Conquest?
Xander: I'm a conquistador.
Xander: Are you sure it isn't comfort?
Xander: I'm a comfortador, also.
Joyce: I do know the difference. I've learned about boys.

Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start lookin' for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They had one-bedrooms, right?

Buffy: His name's Ampata. He'll be at the bus station tomorrow night.
Xander: Oooh! The Sunnydale bus depot. Classy! What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine.

Xander: Happy Birthday, Buffy!
[Xander and Anya wheel in a wooden chest]
Buffy: Oh, my God. Did you guys make that?
Anya: Yes. Well, Xander did the building. Um, I offered helpful suggestions while observing from a safe distance.

Willow: [to Spike] what are you doing?
Xander: You were trying to stake yourself.
Spike: Fag off! It's no concern of yours.
Xander: Is too. For one thing, that's my shirt you're about to dust. And for another, we've shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it *for* you.
Willow: Xander.
Xander: What? He wants to die. I wanna help.
Willow: It-It's ookie. We know him. We can't just let him poof himself.
Spike: Oh, but you can. You know I'd drain you drier than the Sahara if I had half a chance.

Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie. They eat of the beef and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs and that's all you've learned?

Andrew: Man, this place gives me the creeps. It's like in Wonder Woman, issue 297-299.
Xander: "Catacombs." Yeah, with the skeletons.
Andrew: That was cool.
[Xander realizes that he shouldn't be bonding with the enemy and pushes Andrew forward]
Xander: Move it. This way.

Xander: You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.
Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized.
[Spike starts grabbing things]
Xander: That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.

Rupert: Uh, Xander, um, I think in the future perhaps it would be best if you-you, uh, hung back to the read of the battle for your own sake.
Xander: [facetiously] But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories I'll *never* be a good reporter.
Rupert: Hmm?
Xander: Jimmy Olsen joke, sir. Pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?

Xander: We need to spend more time with her. Just hang out. Maybe have weekly dinners over here. Or... a book club. Short books. Videos.

[trying to identify the demon that come to Xander's basement, Willow shows him a book]
Xander: Okay, that's a giant vulture. I'd have mentioned if it was a giant vulture.

[having just netted Buffy]
Buffy: This is... This is ridiculous.
Xander: Buffy, this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Buffy: Not yet, but it will.

Buffy: I'm gonna get going.
Xander: [checking his watch] Now? The night's still... Well, okay, it's a little mature, but still.

Buffy: What are you guys talking about?
Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
Buffy: He's not my boyfriend. Really, truly, he's... I don't know.
[to Xander]
Buffy: Are we cool?
Xander: Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal... But I trust you.
Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record.

Xander: So, I know why I'm sitting in a dank, sunless little room. But why are you?
Willow: Well, things with Oz are weird. And-And I talked to Buffy about it, but I think we're in Guyville here. I need a translator from the "Y" side of things.
Xander: Well, last time I checked, I had the creds. Hit me.
Willow: What does it mean when a girl wants to... you know.
Xander: If you're doin' it, I think you should be able to say it.
Willow: Make love.
Xander: Wild monkey love or tender Sarah McLachlan love?
Willow: Any kind. But what if the girl wants to and... the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right?
Xander: Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the 7 annual minutes he's legitimately too preoccupied to do it.

Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.
[Willow nods in agreement]

Anya: [to Dawn] You make a very pretty little girl!
Xander: Anya, you wanna help me with that thing?
Anya: [chuckles] Xander needs help with his thing!

Buffy: [singing] There's nothing we can't face.
Anya: [singing] Except for bunnies.

Riley: The demon attacked Professor Walsh. Got out of a small, gray car. A Citroen.
Willow: It stole Giles' car.
Xander: Why would a demon steal a car?
Anya: Why would a demon steal *that* car?

Dawn: Um, guys, hello. Puberty. Sort of figured out the whole no-Santa thing.
Anya: That's a myth.
Dawn: Yeah.
Anya: No, I mean, it-it's a myth *that* it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Xander: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Tara: There's a Santa Claus?
Anya: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney, all true.
Dawn: *All* true?
Anya: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...
Tara: The reindeer part was nice.

Anya: I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped, and frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock... Please remove your clothing now.
Xander: And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith.

[first lines]
Xander: You know how I feel about you. It's, uh, pretty obvious, isn't it? There's never been anyone else for me but you... And we're good friends, and it's time to take the next step. Would you, um... date me? Oh, that's good. "Date me." It's terrible, right?
Willow: Huh?... Oh, no, well, yes. "Date me" is silly.

Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and, you know... we can all have sex together, and then, um, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
Xander: She's joking!
Xander: No she's not! She entirely wants to hae sex with us together, which is... wrong... and... and it would be very confusing.

Xander: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm still spinning on this whole "fairy tales are real" thing.
Oz: So what do we do?
Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans.

Xander: I have a theory. Your snide remarks earlier? I'm guessing grapes a little on the sour side. Didn't get into any schools, did ya? The grades were there but, ooh, if it weren't for that pesky interview. Ten minutes with you and the Admissions Department decided that they'd already reached their mean-spirited superficial-princess quotas.
Cordelia: And once again the gold medal in the Being-Wrong event goes to Xander "I'm As Stupid As I Look" Harris.

Xander: I saved the world with talking from my mouth. My mouth saved the world.

Xander: Oh, ha! I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

[after the group finishes singing "I've got a Theory"]
Xander: See? Okay, that was disturbing.

Kennedy: We didn't have time to do more. You have to pretend there's a big party here.
Xander: That's fine. Parties in this house, I usually end up having to rebuild something.

Xander: It's no biggie. You'll have a nice soiree. Your parents will love it. As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine.
Buffy: Are you crazy? What did you say that for? Now something bad is gonna happen.
Xander: What do you mean? Nothing's gonna happen.
Willow: Not until some dummy says, "As long as nothing bad happens."
Buffy: It's the ultimate jinx.
Willow: What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?

Xander: Oh yeah. Fall for the old "Let me translate that ancient seal for you" come-on. Do you know how many times I've used that?

[last lines]
Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world. *Ever*.
Buffy: Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with. And I-I do think she cared about you.
Xander: Yeah, but I think that whole "sucking the life out of people" thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
Buffy: She was gypped. She was just a girl and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the Prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.
Xander: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.
Buffy: I had you to bring me back.

Principal: You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms.
Xander: Yeah. Those tall, fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh?
Oz: But they go with everything.

Joyce: I think we're just about ready for pie.
Xander: Then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.
Buffy: Xander!
Dawn: Gross.
Xander: o, no, barf from the eating, 'cause all was good, and too much goodness...
Joyce: I'm taking it as a compliment.

[Buffy using a stick to explore bushes in her back yard]
Xander: Time for the Spring poking already?
Buffy: Just making sure there are no more evil trio cameras. Or... evil uno.
Xander: The sinister, yet addictive card game?

Mr. Whitmore: S-E-X. Sex. The sex drive in the human animal is intense. How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?
Xander: Yes! Mm-hmm.
Mr. Whitmore: That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.

Rupert: I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this.
Xander: Oh, no. I'm twice the fool it takes to do somethin' like this.

[first lines]
Xander: You ever have that feeling where there's something you know you're supposed to do, and you forgot what it was.
Anya: Nope.

Xander: [practicing a quick draw with a stake] The quick draw is about more than speed. It's also about pointing the stake the right way. And there can be splinter issues. It is a true test of dexterity.
Anya: [re milk carton] Can you open this?
Xander: No. I tear it and it gets all sloshy.

Dawn: And these things are shadow-casters. You put them in motion, and they tell you a story. It says, "You can't just watch. You have to see."
Anya: What the hell does that mean?
Xander: It's cryptic. I don't like it. Every time instructions get cryptic, someone gets hurt... Usually me.

Xander: Both what?
Buffy: Go to graduation and fight the mayor.
Xander: The mayor...? What, you guys didn't hear?
Buffy: Hear what?
Xander: Guess who our commencement speaker is?
Willow: Siegfried?
Xander: No.
Willow: Roy?
Xander: No.
Willow: One of the tigers?
Xander: Come out of the fantasy, Wil.

Buffy: Speaking of, I really have to bail, but I promise I'll be back bright and early tomorrow and ready to slay.
Rupert: This is a matter of some urgency, Buffy.
Buffy: I realize that. Well, you have to admit I kinda lack in the book area. I mean, you guys are the brains. I'll only be here for moral support anyway.
Xander: That's untrue, Buff. You totally contribute. You go for snacks!
Willow: She should go... you know... gather her strength.
Rupert: Perhaps you're right. There may be fierce battles ahead.
Xander: But Ho-Ho's are a vital part of my cognitive process.

Donny: Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by God, I will beat you down.
Xander: And I swear by your full and manly *beard* you're gonna break something trying.

Anya: What? I-I'm, just saying what everyone's thinking. Right, baby?
Xander: You are attractive, and have many good qualities.

Xander: You really think it's gonna work?
Buffy: It's pretty easy. Spike follows the exciting smell of blood, and we follow the fairly ripe smell of Spike.
Dawn: It's "smellementary."

Xander: Why did we ever agree to have your friends, who are demons, and my family, who are monsters, stay at our place?

Willow: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a B-I-T-C-H?
Rupert: Willow, I-I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitca?

Xander: And speaking of love...
Willow: We were talking about the reanimation of dead tissue.
Xander: Do I deconstruct your segues?

Xander: Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're lookin' for, we're facing an apocalypse.
Spike: [excitedly] Really? You're not just sayin' that?

Buffy: Guess we've all done a lot of things lately we're not proud of.
Xander: I think I've got you beat.
Buffy: Wanna compare?

Cordelia: Care to let me in on the plan I'm a part of?
Xander: No.
Cordelia: Why not?
Xander: Because if I tell you, then you won't do it. Just mee me at Willow's house in half an hour and wear somthing trashy... er.

Xander: Anya, look around. There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair. We're fresh out of superpeople, and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now, who's with me?
[Willow and Tara hesitate]
Spike: I am... I know I'm not the first choice for heroics... and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But...
[pauses]
Spike: Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing.
[as he is walking away]
Spike: I wonder if Asian House is open.

Xander: [Buffy is dressed as Red Riding Hood] Hey, Red. What you got in the basket, little girl?
Buffy: Weapons.
Xander: Oh.

[after Buffy is ordered by Giles to deal with a singing demon on her own]
Spike: Forget them, Slayer. I got your back.
Buffy: Thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn't that what you sang?
Xander: Spike sing a widdle song?
Anya: Would you say it was a breakaway pop hit, or more of a book number?
Xander: Let it go, sweetie.

[last lines]
Xander: [to Anya] I've gotta say something, 'cause I don't think I've made it clear... I'm in love with you... Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do. The way you think. The way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you... You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life... Like a man... I just thought you might wanna know.

Xander: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance?
Cordelia: None of your business. Certainly nowhere near you losers.
Buffy: Okay, you guys, don't forget to breathe between insults.
Cordelia: I'm sorry, Buffy. This conversation is reserved for those who actually *have* a future.

[Xander still thinks no one can see or hear him]
Xander: I'd offer my opinion but you jerks aren't gonna hear it, anyway. Not that Didn't-Go-To-College Boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care.
Buffy: What is wrong with you?
Xander: You... You heard that...? You can see me?
[Buffy nods]
Xander: Good. Oh, God, good.

Xander: She must be right. We must have some kind of amnesia.
Buffy: I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it. I bathe quite often!
Xander: How do you explain this?
Buffy: I don't! I was brought up a proper lady. I-I wasn't meant to understand things. I'm just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me. Possibly a Baron.
Xander: This ain't no tea party, princess. Sooner or later you're gonna have to fight.
Buffy: Fight these low creatures? I'd sooner die.

Xander: So this totally adds to my old people are crazy theorem.

Buffy: Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slippin' that jacket on just a little bit.
Xander: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.

Xander: Wait. The seers couldn't find out her name or, like, her address or anything? Am I getting the definition of "seer" wrong?

Willow: Get out of here.
Xander: Oh, no. You're not the only one with powers, you know. You may be a hopped-up uber-witch, but this carpenter can drywall you into the next century.

Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you want to have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.

Xander: [to Dawn, holding a pizza] Check this out, they put cheese on round bread. It's gonna be big.

Xander: What's with the hand move? You see that? Does that, like, mean something?
Willow: It's code. I-I think it breaks down to "Choo-choo".
Anya: It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.
Willow: [whispers] Ask.
Xander: [yells] Hey, Riley! What's the, uh-
[makes hand gesture]
Xander: all about?
Riley: It means yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're comin' will have a sporting chance.
Xander: See? Now he's all mad and sarcastic.
Willow: It's because you were doing all the yelling, Mr. Stealthy Pants.

Rupert: [as a Fyarl Demon] It-It's me, Giles. Now, Ethan has turned me into a demon and I need your help.
[Xander wakes up]
Rupert: Hello. Yes, it's me.
[only hearing demon language Xander screems and jumps out of bed]
Rupert: [as a Fyarl Demon] No, no, listen. Don't you understand me?
Xander: Demon! Demon!

Xander: Excuse me. I need to be both giving and receiving of mirth. Is it too much to ask for a little backup?
Buffy: I'm here for you Xand. I'm Support-O-Gal.

Xander: Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing.
Anya: Come share in the joy of our groove thang.
Willow: And despite that, I succumb to the beat.

Willow: Where's Dawn and Spike?
Tara: We've been calling the house, but...
Xander: Maybe they're on their way here. I mean, this place is NORAD when we're at DEFCON 1.
[all the girls stare at him]
Xander: Okay, I so need male friends.

Anya: What was that about an exchange?
[an enormous demon appears where Buffy had been]
Xander: Ah, this must be the exchange student.

Xander: There you are. Why'd you run away?
Ampata: Because... I do not deserve you.
Xander: What... you think that *you* don't deserve *me*?
[laughs]
Xander: Man, I love you!
[She begins to weep]
Xander: Are those tears of joy? Pain? Revulsion?
Ampata: I am very happy. And very sad.
Xander: Then talk to me. Let me know what's wrong.
Ampata: I can't!
[She hugs him and cries into his shoulder]
Xander: Hey, I know why you can't tell me. It's a secret, right? And if you told me, you'd have to kill me.
[Ampata hugs him again, crying even harder]
Xander: Oh! That was a... bad joke. And the delivery was off, too. I'm sorry.

Museum: Five hundred years ago, the Incan people chose a beautiful teenage girl to become their princess.
Willow: I hope this story ends with, "And she lived happily ever after."
Xander: [looks into the coffin] No, I think it ends with, "And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy."

Cordelia: [to Willow] I think it's great to do that before you go out and fail in the real world. That way you're not falling back on something. You're falling... well, forward.
Xander: And almost sixty-five percent of that was actual compliment. Is that a personal best?
Cordelia: Gee, Xander, what are you gonna teach when you fail in life? Advanced loser-being?

Billy: I know all your deepest secrets, Summers.
Xander: Care to make a small wager on that?

Xander: I just don't trust Oz with her. I mean, he's a senior. He's attractive. Okay, maybe not to me, but... And he's in a band. And we know what kind of element that attracts.
Cordelia: I've dated lots of guys in bands.
Xander: Thank you.

[first lines]
Willow: I implore you, Neisa, blessed goddess of chance and fortune, heed my call. Send to me the heart I desire.
Xander: [the camera pulls back to show she is holding five cards] You know, magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating.
Willow: That wasn't magic. I was praying. Two, please.

Xander: Yeah? You smell sin? Well let me tell you something, lady. She who smelt it dealt it!

Riley: He started it.
Xander: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might've been Latin.
Rupert: Stop it or you're going to break something.
Buffy: Or I'm going to break something.

Xander: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?
Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not.
Xander: A-and if he bit me, what then?
Angel: We would've known he bought it.

Riley: That's Hostile 17.
Spike: No, I'm just a friend of Xanderr's... Pfftt. Bugger it. I'm your guy.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's, um... It's a really long story, but-but he's not bad anymore.
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm *bad*. It's just... I can't bite anymore... thanks to you wankers.
Riley: We've been looking all over the place for him, but you've known where's he's been all along.
Buffy: It's not like that.
Riley: Then what is it like? What's he doing here?
Spike: Leaving you swabs to your dramatics, thanks. I've got my stories on the telly for that. By the by, if you're trying to kill her...
[Spike grins and gives two thumbs up and then leaves]
Riley: Buffy... what is this? You're hiding an HST?
Xander: Why don't you just back off and let her ask the questions, Jack? Your boss just tried to make monster food out of her.
Riley: [seeing unfriendly faces all around him] I-I didn't see much... I wasn't there... All I know is Professor Walsh told me you were dead. Then, I saw you on the monitors... Look, this isn't Professor Walsh. There must be something making her act this way, something, I don't know, controlling her.
Rupert: We think Buffy may have been becoming too inquisitive, that she was getting close to something that Professor Walsh was trying to hide. Any idea what that might be?
Buffy: What about 314? Maybe that's it.
Riley: Maybe she was trying to test you. What if it was only a drill?
Buffy: Then why did she tell you I was dead? Riley, it wasn't a test.
Rupert: See, I've heard rumors that the Initiative isn't all that we've been told. That, um... secretly they're working towards some darker purpose, something that might harm us all.
Riley: No! That's... that's not what happens there.
Buffy: Riley!
Riley: I would know!
Buffy: But no one is sure of anything, okay? We're just trying to sort it out.
Riley: I can't be here. I'll sort it out on my own.

Xander: Who's a little fear demon? Come on, who's a little fear demon?
Rupert: Xander, don't taunt it.
Xander: What, can it hurt me?
Rupert: No, it's just... tacky.

Xander: Do we hug?
Oz: I think we're too manly.

[Xander about to baby-sit Dawn]
Joyce: Dawn, be good.
Xander: Oh, we will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, and take candy from some guy. I don't know his name.

Xander: Does anybody else miss the mayor, "I just wanna be a big snake?"

Wendell: They're not insects. They're arachnids.
Xander: They're from the Middle East?

Anya: Sometimes in the movies, when they go crazy, they slap 'em.
Xander: I'm gonna go find her and talk to her. If she's losing it, we gotta help her before she gets herself hurt.
Tara: You aren't really gonna slap her, are you?
Xander: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again, I will definitely knock myself unconscious.

Xander: hoa. whoa! I... I think I'm havin' a thought.
[gasps]
Xander: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought.
[gasps]
Xander: Now I'm havin' a plan.
[the lights go out]
Xander: And now I'm havin' a wiggins.

Buffy: He was in my room.
Rupert: Who?
Buffy: Angel. He was in my room last night.
Rupert: Are you sure?
Buffy: Positive. When I woke up, I found a picture he'd left me on my pillow.
Xander: A visit from the pointed-tooth fairy.

[Xander is in a large, padded suit that Buffy has been furiously punching while training]
Rupert: Buffy, I think you should calm down.
Xander: Me, too.
Buffy: Oh, Puffy Xander. Um, I'm sorry. I got, I guess I got carried away. Are you okay?
Xander: I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain.

Willow: I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. I'll see you on Monday.
[she leaves]
Xander: [to himself] That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music, the music of pain.

Cordelia: He didn't? Pete was a monster? Where have I been?
Xander: In your special place, Cor, which is why I adore you.

Xander: So what do we do now?
Willow: Well, we could stay here and stand watch or I just...
[Angel steps out of the dark next to them]
Angel: Willow.
Xander: Angel?
Anya: So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?
Xander: He's evil again.
Angel: I-I-I'm not evil again. Why does everyone think that?
Willow: Angel's here to protect Buffy.
Angel: I haven't been evil for a long time.

Rupert: Yes, um, in any event, uh, since you're all here, Tara and I could use your help researching Buffy's mysterious woman.
Xander: Oh yeah. This has been fruitful, trying to look up something you... never saw and don't know the name of.
Anya: Just do what I do. Flip through the pages and look busy.
Willow: It'd be nice if we knew where she was, where she's hiding out.
Xander: No doubt lurking around some sewer or condemned church or rat-infested warehouse. You know, the usual haunts.
[cut Glory in a beautiful, well-appointed apartment]

Xander: Whatcha got in the closet, Ted?
[he opens the door and looks inside with his flashlight and can't believe his eyes. He quickly slams the door shut]
Xander: Let's go.
Cordelia: But we need evidence
Xander: We got it.
Willow: What's in there?
Xander: His first four wives.

Xander: Oh, here we go. I am the bug man, coo-coo ca-choo.

Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to
[in Dracula's accent]
Xander: "leave you." And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street?
[as the Count on Sesame Street]
Xander: Vun, two, three - three victims. Mwa ha ha. No, we're not going to
[in Dracula's accent]
Xander: leave you. And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street?
[as the Count on Sesame Street]
Xander: Vun, two, three, three victims. Mwa ha ha ha ha.

Xander: an, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I know it. If I could just get my hands on him... earlier this week.
Cordelia: I thought you liked him.
Xander: I sometimes like things that are not good for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty.
Willow: We've gotta prove that somehow... Xander, do you have a pen?
Xander: If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep, *I'm* gonna lose it. He's gotta be in there, Will. A history of domestic violence, a criminal record...
[looking in bag]
Xander: Ooh! Cookies!

Buffy: Where's my burger?
Riley: Yeah, man, I'm starving. Cow me.
Xander: The, uh, fire is not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.
Willow: Ignis, incende!
[roaring fire starts in grill]
Buffy: Willow, check you out! Witch-fu!
Willow: It's no big. You just balance the elements so when you affect one, you don't wind up causing...
[a storm rises and they all have to flee]
Willow: I didn't do it! I didn't do it!

Xander: You goin' home?
Willow: I'm gonna stop by my mom's first. Been doing that a lot lately.
Xander: Yeah. Actually, I might stop by your mom's, too... Well, I'm not going to *my* place. Those people are scary.

Anya: Why are you defending him?
Xander: I'm not. I hate my uncle. I hate my whole family. That's why I'm marrying you, to start a new family, have children, make them hate us. Then, one day, they'll get married, we'll sleep on their couch. It's the circle of life.

Faith: The whole summer it was like the worst heat wave. So it's about 118 degrees and I'm sleeping without a stitch on, and all of a sudden I hear screaming from outside. So I go tearing out, stark nude, and this church bus has broke down an there's these three vamps feasting on half the Baptist in South Boston. So I waste the vamps, and the preacher comes up and he's hugging me like there's no tomorrow, when all of a sudden, the cops pulled up and arrested us both.
Xander: Wow! They should film that story and show it every Christmas.

Xander: He doesn't have a soul, Buffy... just some leash they jammed in his head. You think he'd still be all snuggles if that chip ever stopped working...? Would you still trust him with Dawn then?

Xander: Well, not much goes on in a one-Starbucks town like Sunnydale.

Xander: What do you feel?
Anya: Upset, afraid of being without you, and a little hungry.
Xander: I meant about the house.
Anya: Oh. Still haunted.

[in Xander's dream]
Principal: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there, waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.

Xander: No. You're in a band. That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
Oz: Not the way I play it.

Buffy: [holding a gun to the Colonel's head] Stay back or I'll pull a William Burroughs on your leader here.
Xander: You'll bore him to death with free prose?
Buffy: Was I the only one awake in English that day?

Xander: Hey, Jesse. What's what?
Jesse: New girl.
Xander: That's right. I saw her. Pretty much a hottie.
Willow: I heard someone was transferring.
Xander: So, tell.
Jesse: Tell what?
Xander: What's the sitch? What do you know about her?
Jesse: New girl.
Xander: Well, you're certainly a font of nothing.

Xander: [to Buffy] Just becasue you're better than us doesn't mean you can be all superior.

Cordelia: Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: Karma.
[fake cough]

Willow: Nervous?
Xander: No way. I'm full of that good old kamikaze spirit.
Rupert: Xander, just because this is never gonna work is no need to be negative.

Xander: So this chair-woman? We are talking about Ms Calendar, right?
Rupert: What makes you think that?
Xander: Simple deduction. Ms Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in you age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her.
Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it up, it all spells "Duh."

Dawn: [signing] Where do we go from here?
Buffy: [singing] Where do we go from here?
Rupert: [singing] The battle's done / And we kind of won
Rupert: [singing] So we sound our victory cheer / Where do we go from here?
Xander: [singing] Why is the path unclear / When we know home is near?
Dawn: [singing] Understand we'll go hand in hand / But we'll walk alone in fear.
Rupert: [singing] Tell me!
Dawn: [singing] Where do we go from here / When does the end appear?
Spike: [scoffs] Bugger this.

Xander: Okay. I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you... a lot. And I want you to go with me the dance.
Ampata: [laughs] Why was that so scary?
Xander: Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say yes, or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
Ampata: Hmm. Then you are very courageous.

[in Xander's dream]
Principal: Are you a soldier?
Xander: I'm a comfortador.
Principal: You're neither. You're a whipping boy, raised by mongrels, and set on a sacrificial stone.

Buffy: Beer! Buffy want beer.
Rupert: No. Yo-You can't have beer.
Buffy: Want... beer.
Xander: Giles, don't make Cave-Slayer unhappy.

Buffy: I still don't get what this has to do with Giles.
Willow: I don't know about Giles, but ancient sects used to induce possession for bacchanals and-and orgies.
Xander: Okay. Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I could have lived without that one.

[first lines]
Xander: So what do you think?
Buffy: It's nice.
Xander: But do you think Cordelia will like it?
Buffy: I don't know. Does she know what one of these is?
Xander: [laughs] Okay, big yacks. When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I'm sorry. But never.

Kevin: Hey guys, I think I found something. When I downloaded the TPF file I was able to extract the source code and generate an outpost based on blacklisted Hell Mod-players!
Jennifer: English, please?

Xander: [about Giles] Looks like Mr. Caution Man, but the sound he makes is funny.

[Xander walks in on Spike and invisible Buffy]
Xander: Spike...? What are you doing?
Xander: What am I... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I?
[starts doing push-ups]
Xander: Exercising... naked... in bed?
Spike: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. You gotta keep fit for killing.
Xander: Yeah-huh.

Buffy: Well, say it.
Xander: I'm not gonna say it.
Willow: You lied to Giles.
Xander: 'Cause she will.

Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library gettin' all sweaty.
Cordelia: They're training.
Xander: I stand by my phrase.

Dawn: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth, like this, and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling, "I am the Slayer! I'm going to get you!"
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly.
Dawn: No, it was great. I mean, she didn't actually stake me in the heart, you know.
Xander: Buffy's pretty cool like that.

Xander: If you don't know how I feel about...
Anya: I don't... This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
Spike: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Rupert: Please don't.

- I'm glad you're all here, uh, 'cause, uh--
- 'Cause the place is crawling with vamps tonight.
- Uh, tons of 'em.
- I think we oughta split up.
Xander: We haven't seen any vamps.
- -Are you sure there's--
- -[growling]
- -You're right.
- -Yep. Guess so.

Xander: I can't wait to see Cordelia... I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia.
Willow: I wonder what our first homework assignment's gonna be.
[Xander raises his eyebrows at her]
Willow: Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues.

[looking at a dead body on Xander's construction site]
Buffy: No skin.
Xander: Tough to look at.
Buffy: And yet my eyes refuse to look away. Stupid eyes.

Spike: [to Buffy] What are you lookin' at?
Buffy: [to Spike] The man I love.
[they start kissing]
Xander: Can I be blind, too?

Cordelia: [reading] "I aspire to help my fellow man." Check. As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross.
Xander: Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty.
Cordelia: Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice.
Xander: [to Willow and Buffy] Is murder always a crime?

Xander: Anyways, they'll probably be too busy flirting with every other girl at the part to even notice ya.
Anya: So you don't think I'm desirable enough to be flirted with? Is that it?
Xander: I'm just not gonna win here, am I?

Xander: Jeez. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh.
Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her.
Xander: That's sweet.

Spike: Soldier boys are out in force. I've been trying to keep 'em off my scent, run 'em in circles, but they just keep coming.
Rupert: And... how is this our concern? Seeing that you've expressed a desire to have nothing more to do with us.
Xander: Spike said that?
Rupert: Mm-hmm.
Xander: [to Spike] That hurts.

Buffy: How'd I get here?
Xander: You gotta stop doing this. This dying thing's funny once, maybe twice.

Riley: So you want your mother to give you space to be a Slayer *and* shield you from it at the same time.
Xander: Thank you, Logic Boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.

Dawn: They were talking about me, just like everybody is.
Xander: Again, not so much. In fact, none.
Anya: We were talking about sex. I mean, you know us. Sometimes we like to pretend stuff.
Joyce: Um...
Xander: Anya.
Anya: You know, like, say there's a fireman, or a shepherd...
Buffy: You know what? Let's not have this exchange of images right now.

Xander: Spike's working for Adam? *After all we've done*- Nah, I can't even act surprised.

Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
Rupert: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space.
[pause]
Rupert: I did not say that.

Xander: [to Buffy] Hold on a sec. So this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man? With man parts? This is a terrible idea.

Mag: So you got a witch in the mix.
Tara: More than one.
Xander: I happen to be a very powerful man-witch myself.
[the demons looks at him]
Xander: Or... male...
[to Willow]
Xander: Is it a warlock?
[Willow nods frantically]
Xander: Warlock.

[Anya has offered Xander sex]
Anya: I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me, figuratively. I'm thinking face-to-face for the event itself.
Xander: Ah. Right... It's just we hardly know each other. I mean, I like you... and you have a certain... directness that I admire. But sexual interc... What you're talking about. Well... And I'm actually turning into a woman as I say this... But it's about expressing something. And accepting consequences.
Anya: Oh, I have condoms. Some are black.
Xander: That's... that's very considerate.

Buffy: Wil, didn't you say the Chumash got all diseased when they were all holed up in the mission?
Willow: Yeah. Uh, this has a better account of everything. It lists the various...
Xander: Various? As in...
Willow: Well, the important thing is not to panic.
Xander: Wil, you just recited the mystical panic-causing incantation, so little hope there.

Penelope: [to herself] Penelope is hoping the migraine, she woke up with this morning, goes away in time of the Small Wonder marathon tonight
Kevin: [Knocks] You're decent?
Penelope: Never

Xander: Angel's our friend... Except I don't like him.

Xander: You are looking at the new local distributor for Boost Bars. "The natural food bar that provides a nutritional energy boost for active, health-conscience people." Want one?
Willow: No, Thanks. Those things usually taste... kind of tasteless. And then leave a bad aftertastelessness.
Xander: Well, don't let the healthy scare you. Check out these ingredients. See? Loaded with fatty goodness.

Xander: So, how goes the slaying?
Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Oh! But I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander: Okay, now we're back to frightening.

Willow: Buffy! Hey, did you get your SAT scores?
Xander: By the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are going to be manning the drive-thru window side by side.
Buffy: They're just test scores, right? What do they really mean, anyway?
Willow: 1430! Buffy, you kicked ass...! Okay, so academic achievement gets me a little excited.

Cordelia: I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic. And I just wanted to tell you if there's anything I could ever do to...
Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here. So, where were we?
Willow: Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander: Yeah. So, why do you think that is?

Xander: Yeah. From now on, you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams. Is that clear?
Willow: She's not good for the sleepin'.
Buffy: Ahh... well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. Don't know where the hell that came from.

Rupert: This is a-a special operations unit. They, uh, handle the Council's trickier jobs. Smuggling, interrogation, uh, wet works.
Willow: What's wet works?
Xander: Scuba-type stuff.
Anya: I thought it was murder.
Xander: Well, yeah, but there could be underwater murder... with snorkels.

Donny: [while looking at the books in the magic shop] So all these books got spells in 'em? Turn people into frogs, things like that?
Xander: Yeah, we're building a race of frog people. It's a good time.

[Angelus has just grabbed Willow]
Xander: Don't do that!
Angelus: Oh, I think I do that!
Willow: Angel!
Jenny: He's not Angel any more. Are you?
Angelus: Wrong. I am Angel... at last.
Xander: Oh, my God.
Angelus: I got a message for Buffy.
Buffy: [off-screen behing Angel] Why don't you give it to me yourself?
Buffy: [turns around] Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.

Xander: So, did you see?
Andrew: I-I was scared. I'm sorry.
Xander: Did you see what happened? I mean, was she...
Andrew: She was incredible. She died saving my life.
Xander: That's my girl. Always doin' the stupid thing.

Xander: She's a "sexbot." I mean, what guy doesn't dream about that? Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you... willing to do anything.
[stops and sees Buffy, Willow and Anya giving him looks]
Xander: Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but he'd get it.

[in Xander's dream]
Spike: Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.
Rupert: Spike's like a son to me.
Rupert: That's good. I was into that for a while, but... I got other stuff goin' on... You gotta have something. Gotta be with movin' forward.
Buffy: Like a shark.
Xander: Like a shark with feet and... much less fins.
Spike: And on land.
Rupert: Very good.

Xander: Where was I?
Willow: You were pretending that seeing scantily clad girls in revealing postures was a spiritual experience.
Xander: Who said I was pretending?

Xander: Since you're not union I had to call in a few favors to get you on a crew.
Buffy: I appreciate it. Muchly. You saved me from having to accept Giles' offer to work at the Magic Box. I mean, retail?
[shudders]
Buffy: I'd rather be dead... again.

[first lines]
[Xander is woken up by knocking on his door]
Xander: [sighs] Okay, okay. I'm coming. I'm up. It's 4:30 in the morning. Sweet mamaloshen. Who is it?

Xander: See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
Buffy: What was I thinking?

Xander: ...Well, turning into a creepy-crawly wasn't on my top ten list of things to do before I turn twenty.
Cordelia: ...I want you to know that you've really proven yourself to me. And you don't have to join the new team next year, if you don't want. I'd be just as happy if you played football.
[She smiles, but Xander is clearly not amused]
Buffy: [DELETED LINE, to Cordy] You're not the only one he's proven himself to. In fact... You keep playing your cards right, Xander, and I think *our* team's gonna start having you call the shots instead of me.
[Clearly, Xander finds this even less amusing]
Xander: [DELETED LINE] Me? Call the shots? Instead of you?
[winces at the idea]
Xander: I'd rather be a fish.

Xander: Ooh, gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!

Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Rupert: Hear, hear!
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and women have the babies.

Anya: I think she's possessed.
Xander: She's a teenager.

Angel: She's not breathing.
Xander: But if she drowned, uh, there's a shot. CPR.
Angel: You have to do it. I have no breath.

Xander: You know, Oz, I look at all this beauty, all these healthy young women and I wonder why I ever wasted my time on Cordelia. I mean, look at her. She's no better-lookin' than the rest of 'em.
Oz: None of them are really my...
Xander: Oh, my God, he's lookin' at her...! He's got his filthy adult Pierce Brosnany eyes all over my Cordy.
Oz: You're a very complex man, aren't you?

Xander: We're right behind you, only... further back.

[first lines]
Xander: All I'm saying is, it's a stupid idea to have a victory party at the beach. It's officially nippy... So say ny nips.

Xander: Why would a vampire lie about who sired him? What's that, some kind of status symbol for the undead? My sire can beat up your sire?

Xander: Dorkhead! You slash me with your words!

[Riley is about to touch the meteorite]
Anya: Is it hot? 'Cause, uh, if there's radiation you could, like, go all sterile.
[Riley recoils and Xander scampers away to be behind Anya]
Riley: No, it's not hot. It's warm. And broken... And sort of...
Rupert: Hollow.
Riley: Yeah.
Anya: So, uh, we're all thinking the same thing, right?
Xander: Festive piñata? Delicious candy?
Willow: Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and slithered away to do badness.
Rupert: In all fairness, I don't think we know about the slithered part.
Anya: Oh no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.

Buffy: [noticing RJ] I think that's the guy.
Willow: What guy?
Buffy: The one who, according to Dawn, is the, quote, "smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest, and having-the-thickest-boy-eyelashes boy in school," unquote.
Xander: He don't seem so tough.
[Willow notices the girl RJ dances intimately with]
Willow: Check out the fan club.
Xander: Daddy like.
Buffy: What's that shirt made of, paint?
Willow: Buff...
Buffy: Glad Dawnie can't see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy...
[the girl turns around, revealing herself to be Dawn]
Buffy: Oh.
Xander: Oh. Oh! No! Daddy, no. I wasn't... When I was looking, I wasn't- Oh, God.
Willow: Right there with ya.

[in Xander's dream]
Soldier: [Apocalypse Now on TV] We gotta keep goin' men. We gotta take that hill... Damn this war.
Rupert: I have to say, I really feel "Apocalypse Now" is overrated.
Xander: No, no. It gets better.
Soldier: [on TV] Men.
Xander: I remember that it gets better.
Soldier: [on TV] Oh, my God. What's happened to my men? *Aah*!
Buffy: Want some corn?
Xander: Butter flavor?
Buffy: New car smell.
Xander: Cool.

Willow: Xander, you wanna stay and help me?
Xander: Are you kidding?
Willow: Yes, it was a joke I made up.

Xander: [Looks at his wallet] It's me! 'Alexander Harris.' Cute picture.
[holds it up to them]
Xander: Hey, I exist!

Xander: [entering] Giles, you might wanna get out there.
Rupert: Oh, God. What?
Dawn: [entering] Molly and Rona are fighting over who gets to drive first leg.
Buffy: Bet you wish you'd renewed that California State driver's license now, huh?
Anya: [entering] Rona won. You should probably let Molly out of the trunk.

[Xander is practicing to be a bartender by listening to Buffy's problems]
Xander: Ooh, then unload 'em right here, baby. Rough day? You wanna talk about it?
[pause]
Xander: Shutting up now.
Willow: I'm pregnant by my stepbrother who'd rather be with my best friend who's he's left me with no place to live, no food except for this bottle of Wild Turkey which I drank all up.
[Xander looks confused]
Willow: That was me being tanked and friendless for ya.
Xander: Gets my Oscar nod.

Rupert: Yes, really. What student here is going to be that well versed in physiology?
Willow: Well, I can think of five or six guys in the science club. And me.
Xander: So, Will, come clean. Promise to never do it again, and we'll call it a night.
[at their looks]
Xander: He joked.

Buffy: The school basement is making him crazy. We can't just leave him there.
Xander: Why not? Crazy Basement Guy is better than Stalking Buffy Guy.

Willow: It says a student murdered a teacher on the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance. The rumor was they were having an affair and she tried to break it off. After he killed her, he went into the music room and shot himself.
Xander: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a ghost.

Cordelia: I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here with *you*!
Xander: I hope these are my last moments. Three more seconds with you and I'm gonna...
Cordelia: I'm gonna what, Coward?
Xander: Moron.
Cordelia: I hate you!
Xander: I hate you!
[they kiss]
Xander: We *so* need to get outta here.
Cordelia: Uh-huh.

[no one can speak; all written or mimed]
Rupert: Who are the Gentlemen? They are fairy tale monsters. What do they want?
[Willow points at her chest]
Xander: [cups hands at his chest and mouths] Boobies?
Rupert: Hearts. They come to a town. They steal all the voices so no one can scream. Then...
[Giles shows drawings of Gentlemen ripping out the heart from a person in bed]
Rupert: They need seven. They have at least two.
Xander: How do we kill them?
[Buffy mimes stabbing, but looks more like masturbating; Giles, Willow and Xander look at Buffy with disturbed faces; Buffy mimes again with a stake; they all look relieved]
Rupert: In the tales, no sword can kill them.

Olaf: You... told the witch to do that, Anyanka. You seem determined to put an end to all my fun, just like you always did when we were *dating*!
[everyone looks at Anya in disbelief]
Anya: Uh, um...
Xander: You dated him?
Buffy: You dated a troll?
Willow: And we're what, surprised by this?

Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party.
Buffy: Okay, so, what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?
Xander: Much hardier cockroaches.

Xander: Yep. Yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met, by day. By night, it was booze, whores and fur flyin'. Were there whores?
Buffy: He was alone.
Xander: Give it time.

Cordelia: All I can think is, "It could have been me."
Xander: We can dream.

Xander: We Bohemian anti-establishment types have always been persecuted.
Oz: Well, sure. You're all so weird.

Buffy: So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?
Willow: Nothing strenuous.
Xander: Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.
Rupert: I think we can do better than that.
Buffy: I was thinking about shopping, as per usual.
Willow: Oh, there's an "Arden B" in the new mall.
Xander: Oh, good. I could use a few items.
Rupert: Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall?
Buffy: I'm having a wicked shoe craving.
Xander: Aren't you on the patch?
Willow: Those never work.
Buffy: Never.
Rupert: And here I am, invisible to the eye. Not having any vote.
Xander: See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing.
Buffy: Oh! You could go with full black secret-agent look.
Willow: Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash...
Rupert: The Earth is *definitely* doomed.

Xander: You know what day is great for a break-up? Any day but Valentine's Day!

Xander: I hate to break it to you, O Impotent One, but you're not the "Big Bad" anymore. You're not even the "Kind of Naughty." You're nothing but a waste of space. My space. And as much as I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, and as much as I know I can give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I'm here to tell you something... You're not even worth it.

[Xander holds a sign for Willow at the airport]
Xander: You think she'll get the sign?
Buffy: "Get the sign"? I don't think she's gonna see the sign.
Dawn: Why is it so pale?
Xander: I used yellow crayon. It was a thing from when I talked to Wil on the bluff... I hope she gets it.

[Xander is examining an Initiative taser rifle]
Xander: So, here it is. The latest in state-of-the-art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn't look that complicated.
Buffy: So can you repair it?
Xander: Sure. Just as soon as I get my Master's degree in advanced starship technology.
Willow: Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens.
Giles: Uh, well, I'd like to veto that.
Xander: Second. It's called a blaster, Wil. A word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the orgasminator, I'd be the first to try your basic button-press approach.

[Xander has been put under Dracula's control]
Xander: I'm supposed to deliver you to the Master now... There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?
Buffy: Take me to him.

Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
Xander: Will, we saw you at the Bronze... A vampire.
Willow: I'm not a vampire.
Buffy: You are. I-I mean you-you-you were... Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Rupert: Well, uh, something... something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?

Xander: [singing] And we are caught in the fire / The point of no return / So we will walk through the fire / And let it Burn / Let it burn / Let it burn / Let it burn.

[Giles and company are researching old magic books]
Riley: These spells. These really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out, or learn to excrete gold coins?
Anya: That one's not so much fun.
Willow: They work, Riley, but they take concentration, being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Xander: Right, you can't just go
[reading]
Xander: "librum incendere" and expect...
[Xander's book bursts into flames and he slams it shut, extinguishing it]
Giles: Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

Willow: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.
Xander: You're bad to the bone.
Willow: I'm a rebel.

Kennedy: I don't care if it's Godzilla. I wanna get in this thing.
Andrew: Godzilla is mostly Tokyo-based, so he's probably a no-show.
Amanda: Besides, Matthew Broderick can kill Godzilla. How tough is he?
Andrew: [in a whiny voice] Xander?
Xander: Matthew Broderick did not kill Godzilla. He killed a big, dumb lizard that was *not* the real Godzilla.

[first lines]
[watching a foreign television program]
Xander: Is she dying?
Buffy: I think she's singing.
Xander: To a telephone, in Hindi. Now, that's entertainment. Why is she singing?
Willow: She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins. But then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have nowhere to put their big Maypole... fish thing.
Xander: Uh-huh. Why is she singing?
Buffy: Her lover? I thought that was her chiropractor?
Willow: Because of that thing he did with her feet? No, that was personal.

Xander: [entering] House of chicks, relax. I am a man, and I have a tool.
[everybody stares at him]
Xander: Tools. Lots of plural tools, in my, uh, toolbox.

Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You drag me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.

[regarding Xander's boiling of his egg 'child']
Rupert: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that... Or possibly thank you.

Xander: You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you.
Anya: She's coming to try.
Xander: Did everybody have their "crazy flakes" today?

Rupert: Well, but, uh, the good news is that they're, uh, not amongst the great thinkers of our time. I doubt if they're up to much, they're probably just drawn here by the, uh, Hellmouth's energy.
Xander: 'Nuff said! I propose Buffy slays them. All in favour?
Willow: [she and Xander raises their hands] Aye!

Buffy: This is Gachnar?
Xander: Big overture, little show.
Gachnar: I am the Dark Lord of nightmares. The bringer of Terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!
Willow: He... He's so cute.

[last lines]
Willow: I think the spell worked. I felt something go through me.
Cordelia: Plus the orb did that cool glow thing.
Xander: Well, maybe it wasn't in time. Maybe she had to kill him before the cure could work.
Oz: Then she'd wanna be alone, I guess.
Willow: Or maybe Angel *was* saved and they wanna be alone together.
Rupert: Perhaps.
Cordelia: Well, she's gotta show up sooner or later. We still have school.
Willow: Yeah. She'll be here in a while.

Xander: You don't know how to kill this thing?
Buffy: I thought I might try violence.
Xander: Solid call.

Buffy: I trust you with my life. So I need you to do this for me.
Xander: Okay.
Buffy: Also, you can't shoot a bow and arrow anymore. And-And every time you pick up a sword I worry that you're gonna break one of our good lamps.
Xander: Hey!
Buffy: Don't look at me. You're the one who said I'm gonna die.
Xander: I never said you were gonna die. I- I *implied* that you were gonna die. It's totally different.
Buffy: Yeah, okay. Sure.
Xander: Besides, if you die, I'll just bring you back to life. That's what I do.

Xander: Here's your coffee. Brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid.
Rupert: Thank you.
[takes a sip]
Rupert: Horrible.
[takes another sip]
Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea, anyway?
Rupert: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.
Xander: Okay, but you're destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here.

[Xander has been put under Dracula's control]
Willow: Well, I think we have Dracula factoids.
Xander: Like any of that's enough to fight the dark Master.
[everyone stares at him]
Xander: Bator.

Willow: [to Buffy] We have to face it. You can't handle Tara being my girlfriend.
Xander: No! It was bad before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to- Tara's your *girlfriend*?
Rupert: [off screen] Bloody hell!

Jenny: You here again? You kids really dig the library, don't ya?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
Xander: On behalf of my gender, *hey*.
Rupert: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step and there conclusions were.

Xander: Are you kidding? I've been doing the Vulcan death grip since I was four.

Xander: Listen, do you guys need any help?
Rupert: Hm? Oh, no, no. Thank you. Probably, uh, best if you-you stay out of trouble.
Xander: No chance of that.
Jack: Xander! Motor!
Rupert: There's something... different about this... menace. Something in the air... The stench of death.
Xander: Yeah, I think it's Bob.

[when told that vampires are known as the Lonely Ones]
Xander: Oh, we usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones.

Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.

Cordelia: I demand an explanation.
Xander: For what?
Cordelia: Wesley.
Xander: Uh... inbreeding?
Cordelia: So very funny. Any minute I am sure to laugh.

Xander: Well, some friends of Buffy's played a funny joke and they took her stuff and now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans.

[last lines]
Rupert: I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards.
Xander: Did you tell them that?
Rupert: Your secret dies with me.
Xander: Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.

Xander: For what it's worth...
Principal: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath... an airborne toxic event.
Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you.

Willow: Buffy, you were right. The time for touch-feely communication has passed. I've done some homework and found out the only solution is the final solution.
Xander: Nuke the school...? I like that.

Doc: What can I do for you boys? Want some cocoa?
Spike: No. We need information. We need...
Xander: Ben's Glory!
Doc: Who's what?
Spike: Look at this. Special Ed remembers.
Xander: Yeah. I do. Ben's Glory, and Glory's Ben. It's like this fog's liftin'.
Spike: Wonderful. But not why we're here.

[the basement is flooded]
Tara: H-How's everything looking down there?
Xander: Like we should start gathering up two of every animal.

Xander: Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya and Willow will get this look, this, um, What-The-Hell-Do-You-See-In-Her look.
Spike: I know that look. A lot of people never really got Dru, you know.
Xander: Well, she was insane.

Xander: [after waking up with no memory] Okay, why was I on the ground? And why are you all staring at me? Is this some kind of psych test? Am I getting paid for this?

Xander: Can I just say... *gyeurgh*!
Buffy: I see your gyeurgh, and raise you a nargh.

Xander: Good Godfrey Cambridge, Spike! You still trying to mack on Buffy? Wake up already. Never gonna happen. Only a complete loser would *ever* hook up with you. Well, unless she's a simpleton like Harmony or a, or a nut sack like Druscilla.

Xander: I hate this guy.
Buffy: He's just doing what was done to him.
Xander: I didn't give him syphilis!
Rupert: No, but you freed his spirit, and after a century of unrest he saw you as one of his oppressors.
Xander: What, so he rises up and infects the first guy he sees? That's no fair.
Buffy: Like you've never woken up cranky.

[in a dark alley]
Xander: Spike.
Giles: What are you doing here?
Spike: Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here.
Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue Slayer on our hands. Real psycho killer, too.
Spike: Sounds serious.
Giles: It is. What do you know?
Spike: What do you need?
Xander: Her. Dark hair, yea tall. Name of Faith. Criminally insane.
Giles: Have you seen her?
Spike: Is this bird after you?
Xander: In a *bad* way. Yeah.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch... as she kills you.
[Grins. Giles and Xander stare at him, speechless. Spike rolls his eyes and sighs]
Spike: Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least *try* to remember that I *hate* you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening'd be dull.
[starts to leave, deliberately bumping into Xander's shoulder]
Xander: Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her!
Spike: [faces them, walking backwards] Dark hair, this tall. Name of Faith. Criminally insane. I like this girl already.
Xander: [to Giles] We're dumb.

Willow: [finishing analysis] Okay...
Xander: What do we know?
Willow: Well, apparently the secret ingredient is not love.
Xander: What is it?
Willow: I'm not positive, but I think it's dematorin. It's like a tranquilizer. Keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with ecstasy.
Xander: This is evidence. This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared. Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you.
[Willow smiles proudly]
Xander: Will, that's the cookies talkin', but you *rock*!

[last lines]
Cordelia: Oh, God. What have I done? They're never gonna speak to me again.
Xander: Oh, sure they are. If it helps, when we're around them, you and I can fight a lot.
Cordelia: You promise?
Xander: You can pretty much count on it.

Xander: Cordelia, someone's gotta watch her back.
Cordelia: Yeah, well, I've seen you watch her back.
Xander: What is that supposed to mean?
Cordelia: Well, it was using the phrase "watch her back" as a euphemism for looking at her butt.

Oz: [to Willow] I haven't seen you all day. Where you been?
Xander: Not with me. No, sir. Ask anyone... No.

[sees Anya and Giles slapping at each other like kids]
Xander: Okay, when *I'm* marvelling at the immaturity, be scared.

Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers, Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like... Jimmy Olsen.
Xander: [laughs] I was just talking to... Hey, mind your own business.
Cordelia: Ooh, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool.
Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a *lot* to offer.
Cordelia: Oh, please.
Xander: I do.
Cordelia: "Integral part" of the group? Xander, you're the-the *useless* part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has and you don't.
Cordelia: [leaving, talking to herself] There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Cordelia: So does looking at guns really make girls wanna have sex? That's scary.
Xander: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm 17. Look at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

[first lines]
[Buffy knocks a vampire down]
Buffy: Xander! Anya!
[Xander and Anya try to hold the vampire]
Willow: Buffy, another one!
[Buffy starts fighting another vampire]
Willow: Buffy!
[tosses Buffy a stake and she dusts the first vampire as the other runs away]
Buffy: Where's the other one.
Xander: Where's the other one.
Anya: In there.

Buffy: [reading] "Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal."
Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner?... I'll pretend I didn't say that.

Willow: And over here, we have the cafeteria, where we were mauled by snakes.
Xander: And this is the spot where, uh, Angel tried to kill Willow.
Willow: Oh, and over there in the lounge is where Spike and his gang nearly massacred us all on Parent-Teacher night.
[Faith chuckles]
Willow: Oh, and-and up those stairs, I was sucked into a muddy grave.
Xander: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid.

Xander: [to Buffy] If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you.

Spike: I don't see why I have to be tied up.
Xander: It's just while I'm sleeping.
Spike: Like I'd bite you, anyway.
Xander: Oh, you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Spike: All right, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it.

Xander: Smart chicks are so hot.
Willow: You couldn't have figured that out in tenth grade?

[another student is scraping at a relic in the Cultural Exchange Exhibit museum]
Buffy: What's he doing?
Xander: Uh, that's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts.
Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
Xander: Yeah. I'm irrational that way.

Oz: Well, Angel, you hung with him the most. Was there something that he's afraid of?
Angel: Well, he's not crazy about germs.
Cordelia: Of course. That's it! We'll attack him with germs!
Buffy: Great! We'll get him cornered, and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No, we'll get a container of Ebola virus and, and, uh- or it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says "Ebola" on it and, um, chase him.
[long pause]
Cordelia: With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
Oz: He'll never see it comin'.

Xander: This... thing with us, despite our better judgement, it keeps happening. Maybe we should just admit that we're dating.
Cordelia: Groping in a broom closet isn't dating. You don't call it a date until the guy spends money.
Xander: Fine. I'll spend, then we'll grope. Whatever.

Buffy: So we'll help him?
Rupert: [pause] Yes.
Xander: [entering] Where do we start...? Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mostest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing. And, um... I don't know. Maybe I finally got the Hanukah spirit.

Xander: I hate these guys. Whatever they want just falls into their laps. Don't you hate these guys?
Willow: Yeah. With their charmed lives and their movie-star good looks and more money than you can count... I'm hating.

Xander: Oh, me and Buffy go way back. Old friends, very close. Then there's that period of estrangement, where I think we're both grew as people, but now here we are. It's like old times. I'm quite moved.
Jesse: Is it me, or are you turning into a bibbling idiot?
Xander: No it's, uh, it's not you.

[Giles is in charge of the school talent show]
Buffy: Giles, into every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
Rupert: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated or at least, um... helped.
Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch.
Xander: And mock.
Willow: And laugh.

Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good.

Xander: We're goin' up against a god. An actual, mightier-than-thou god.
Willow: Well, you know what they say: The bigger they are...
Anya: The faster they stomp you into nothing.

Vamp: [to a vampire] Slap my hand, dead soul man.

Xander: [to Gachner] Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?
Rupert: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
Rupert: No. Tt's just tacky.

Xander: Aw, come on, that's ridiculous. What, you think this isn't real just because of all the vampires and demons and ex-vengeance demons and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy?

Xander: Go away. This is my hiding spot.
Cordelia: Where do I hide?
Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.
Cordelia: What's the plan?
Xander: The vampire attacks you.
Cordelia: And then what?
Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.

Cordelia: What is this, some kind of sick joke? Harmony told me you were dead.
Vamp: Now, why would she say something like that? Let's think.

[last lines]
Derek: Hi, Miss Thing. Enough is enough. It's time for you and me to have a little sit-down. What's going on with you? Half the time I call, I get your voicemail. When I do get you, I don't get even a little bit of sass coming my way. Now, what's the deal? Hello!
Penelope: Okay. Look. I get it that men and women are different and Venus and Mars and all that stuff, but I do not understand how you...
Derek: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, pump your brakes. What is this about?
Penelope: You were in my shower at 7:00 in the morning.
Derek: Because I shower at 7:00 in the morning. Baby, you had a little too much to drink the other night. You called me to come over and keep you company.
Penelope: I know. I remember that, but...
Derek: Okay, what happened between us was popcorn, and a movie on TV, which you fell asleep in the middle of, by the way.
Penelope: So, you slept on the...
Derek: Couch.
Penelope: Yes, you did. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you, God, for maintaining the integrity of my most beloved of friendships, and from now on, I promise only mostly the purest of mineral water will cross these lips.
Kevin: [enters] Hey, plum sauce, are you coming?
Penelope: Yes. I'll be right there.
Kevin: Hey, Derek.
Derek: Hey, what's up, man?
Penelope: Since the fight, we have decided to have a standing date every Tuesday night.
Derek: Good luck with that with this job. You got a great guy out there. You know that, right?
Penelope: I know. What does a girl do when she has two great guys?
Derek: She doesn't pour that extra glass of wine.
Penelope: Yeah. Okay, love you, bye.
Derek: Plum sauce?

Rupert: There is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.
Buffy: And in some language that's English?
Oz: Fairy tales are real.
Buffy: Hans and Gre... Hansel and Gretel?
Xander: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Bread crumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?
Rupert: Of course... Well, it makes sense now.
Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course, that place is nowhere near this place.
Rupert: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and-and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by-Not by destroying men, but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes.
Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.
Rupert: And then she and probably dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history. Happened in Salem, not surprisingly.

Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: Really? It doesn't say "spare me" by any chance?
Drusilla: Shhh... How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?

Xander: Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control ya. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger... no, wait. Hold on... Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side... Hold on. No. Um... first you get the women, then you get the money, then you... Okay, can we forget that?

Xander: We made a demon? Bad us.

Dawn: Xander, drive faster.
Xander: I can't.
Dawn: I could drive faster, and *I* can't drive.
Anya: She's right. You're like a snail, a snail who's driving a car very slowly. Come on, give it the lead foot. We gotta help Buffy with that demon you sent after her.
Xander: I did not send the demon. I was possessed. The demon used me to eavesdrop on our conversation.
Anya: Great. So now what? We have to talk in some sort of anti-demon secret code?
Xander: Ood-gay idea-yay An-yay.

[Vamp Willow about to torture an imprisoned Angel]
Vamp: Don't you want to?
Vamp: No, thanks, baby. I just wanna' watch you go.

Xander: Dinner is served.
[entering with a bowl of popcorn]
Xander: And my very own recipe.
Willow: Ooh! You pushed the button on the microwave that says "popcorn"?
Xander: Actually, I pushed defrost, but, uh, Joyce was there in the clinch.

Cordelia: I'm the dip.
[everyone looks at her]
Xander: Uh, you gotta admire the purity of it.
Cordelia: What? Onion dip. Stirring, not cooking. It's what I bring.

[first lines]
Xander: You don't what you're talking about.
Willow: Xander, he was, obviously, in charge.
Xander: He was a puppet. She was using him.
Willow: He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used.
Xander: Well, that was her genius! He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle. Buffy...
Buffy: Huh?
Xander: Who was the real power, the Captain or Tennille?
Buffy: Um... Who are these people?

Vamp: Weird thing. Girl kept talking about Buffy. "Gotta get Buffy here." Isn't that what they called the Slayer?
Vamp: Hmm. Buffy. Ooh. Scary.
Vamp: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.

Xander: Red alert. Where's Buffy?
Rupert: She-She just stepped out. Her-Her father came by. He-He needed to to her...
[looking at Xander's outfit]
Rupert: Whe-Where are your other clothes?
Xander: Oh, don't I wish I had the answer to that question.
Willow: Xander kind of found himself in front of our class not wearing much of anything.
Xander: Except my underwear.
Willow: [enthusiastically] Yeah, it was really...
[see Xander glaring at her]
Willow: ... bad. It was a bad thing.
Xander: "Bad thing"? I was naked. "Bad thing" doesn't cover it.
Willow: Everybody staring. I would hate to have everyone paying attention to *me* like that.
Xander: With nudity! It's a total nightmare.
Willow: Well, yeah, Xander. It-It's your nightmare.
Xander: Except the part with me waking up going, "It's all a dream." It happened.
Willow: Like it happened to Wendell. That thing with the spiders. Wendell had a recurring dream about that.
Rupert: I-I-I dreamt that I-I got lost in the stacks, and I... I couldn't read... Of course!
Xander: Um, our dreams are coming true.
Rupert: Dreams? That would be the musical comedy version of this. Nightmares. Our-Our nightmares are coming true.

David: Where're my notes, my original crime scene notes?
Penelope: Again, sorry, you didn't ask for that specific you used...
David: I have to say how to look for everything? What kind of a researcher are you?
Penelope: I'm not a researcher, I'm a technical analyst.
David: What the hell does that even mean?
Kevin: [coming in] You left the middle of my back totally unloofahed.

Buffy: Did you guys see that?
Spike: [as Randy] Vampires!
Tara: Maybe it's Halloween.
Dawn: It doesn't feel like Halloween.
Xander: Even if it is, those guys are definitely not kids, and those are definitely not costumes. Randy's right. Looks like we have vampires.

Willow: I-I don't know what I can do? I mean, frankly, I'm- I'm scared of what I *might* do.
Xander: Yeah, I get that. Figuring out how to control your magic seems a lot like hammering a nail. Well, uh, hear me out. So you're hammering, right? If you hold the end of the hammer, you have the power, but no control. It takes, like, two strokes to hit the nail in, or you could hit your thumb.
Willow: Ouch.
Xander: So you choke up. Control, but no power. It could take, like, ten strokes to knock the nail in. Power, control. It's a tradeoff.
Willow: That's actually not a bad analogy.
Xander: Thanks.
Willow: Except I'm less worried about hitting my thumb, and more worried about going all black-eyed baddy and bewitching that hammer into cracking my friends' skulls open like coconuts.
Xander: Right. Ouch.

[first lines]
[a new vampire rises from a grave]
Willow: That's right, big boy. Come and get it.
Xander: [grabs it from behind] I got him! Go!
[Oz appears but stops to fumble in his pocket]
Xander: [to Oz] Any time now.

Xander: I'll have you know I was just accosted by some kind of, um... locker monster.
Rupert: Loch Ness Monster?
Buffy: *Locker* monster, is what he said.

[first lines]
Xander: I wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
Anya: We thing the cat peed on it.

[Mr. Maclay is trying to take Tara]
Rupert: And... you're not just dealing with two little girls.
Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: 'Cept me.
Xander: 'Cept Spike.
Spike: I don't care what happens.

Xander: Come on, guys. The suspense is killing Angel.

Jenny: Uh, I'm sorry to bring this up, but we also have an apocalypse to worry about?
Xander: Do you mind?
Willow: How come she's in the club?

Anya: Oh, who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
Anya: I'm serious. Maybe we could do a holiday promotion. One free with every purchase.
Rupert: Oh, yeah. Dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas chicken feet.
Willow: Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep. Painting their little toenails.

Buffy: They talked about protecting people. Told me to leave.
Xander: No damage, though.
Buffy: I think I may have destroyed Dawn's social life in all of about 30 seconds, but apart from that, no.
Xander: Ah, being popular isn't so great. Or so I've read in books.

Jesse: Oh, you know, we wanted to welcome ya, make ya feel at home... unless you have a scary home.
[Xander takes Buffy's stake out of his backpack]
Xander: And to return this. The only thing I can think is that you're building a really little fence.

Xander: It fit when I picked up the tux. How could it not fit now?
Buffy: It'll fit.
Xander: Aw, man. What if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund? And then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt! Buffy, that can not happen! I must wear das cummerbund!

Buffy: Who are these guys?
Rupert: Uh, they're known as the, uh, as the Bringers or-or Harbingers. They're high priests of the First. They, uh, they can conjure spirit manifestations and set them on people, influence them, haunt them.
Buffy: These are the guys working the mojo on Angel.
Xander: We gotta stop 'em.
Rupert: You-you-you can't fight the First, Buffy. It's not a-a physical being.
Buffy: Well, I-I can fight these priest guys.

Penelope: Okay, okay, the TV movie is in hall H at 9:00. Can we go to that?
Dr. Spencer Reid: Absolutely. Do you think we can we make it to the Captains of the Enterprise panel at 11:00?
Penelope: Obvs. Thanks for coming with me.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Of course. I've been knitting this scarf for weeks.
Kevin: Penelope.
Penelope: Kevin. Hi. You came. And you brought a friend. CSU technician Sharp, how are you?
Evidence: Fine. You?
Penelope: I am also fine. Okay, well, see ya.
Kevin: You're not gonna go in?
Penelope: No. Actually, we just went in and it's super lame, so we're leaving.
Kevin: Uh, okay. Oh, great costume.
Penelope: Yeah, you, too.

Buffy: Do I like shrubs?
Xander: That's between you and your god.

Cordelia: You know what? I'm going... I'd rather be worm food than look at *your* pathetic face!
Xander: Then go. I'm not stopping ya.
Cordelia: I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself.
Xander: Not just any girl. You're special.

Buffy: [sighing] We need to find Willow.
Xander: Yeah. She's really off the wagon, big time... Warren's a dead man if she finds him.
Dawn: Good.
Buffy: Dawn, don't say that.
Dawn: Why not...? I'd do it myself if I could.
Buffy: Because you don't really feel that way.
Dawn: Yes, I do. And you should too. He killed Tara, and he nearly killed you... He needs to pay!
Xander: [nods with approval] Out of the mouths of babes.
Buffy: Xander.
Xander: I'm just saying he's... he's just as bad as any vampire you've sent to dustville.
Buffy: Being a Slayer doesn't give me a license to kill... Warren's human.
Dawn: So?
Buffy: So the human world has its own rules for dealing with people like him.
Xander: Yeah, we all know how well those rules work.
Buffy: Sometimes they do... Sometimes they don't... We can't control the universe. If we were supposed to... then the magic wouldn't change Willow the way it does... And... we'd be able to bring Tara back.
Dawn: And Mom.
Buffy: There are limits to what we can do. There *should* be. Willow doesn't wanna believe that and now she's messing with forces that wanna hurt her... all of us.
Xander: I just... I've had blood on my hands all day... Blood from people I love.
Buffy: I know... And now it has to stop... Warren's going to get what he deserves, I promise! But I will *not* let Willow destroy herself.

Buffy: I just... I just wanna know that there's gonna be another good one, one that I won't chase away.
Xander: There will be, promise. he's out there. He can come along any minute.
Buffy: Yeah, and the minute *after* that, I can *terrify* him with my alarming strength and remarkable self-involvement.

Buffy: [about the egg experiment] I can't do this. I can't take care of things. I killed my Giga Pet. Literally. I sat on it and it broke.
Willow: You'll do fine.
Xander: Yeah, the thing that stresses me is, when do we tell them they're adopted?

[on invading the Trio's lair]
Willow: A-And they had other stuff, you know, Razor scooters, and pictures of the Vulcan woman on Enterprise.
Xander: Ooh!
[at Anya's look]
Xander: I mean, nerds.

Xander: And I think we're gonna get through this. I think I'm gonna live a long and silly life, and I'm not interested in doing that without you around.
Anya: Oh... Okay.
Xander: Okay?
Anya: Yes. I mean, yes... No.
Xander: No?
Anya: After... Give it to me when the world doesn't end.

Willow: The curse. We never got to finish it. Maybe we can restore Angel's soul.
Xander: I don't like it. You're talking about messing with powerful magic. And you're weak.
Willow: I'm okay.
Xander: You don't look okay. Does she?
Cordelia: You should listen to him. The hair, it's so flat. And the lips...
Xander: Could we stay on topic here, honey?
Cordelia: What?
Xander: Look, it's not a good idea.
Willow: There's no use arguing with me. Do you see my resolve face? You've seen it before. You know what it means.

Penelope: This is a red velvet cupcake and you only give them to me on special occasions!
Kevin: We'll talk later.

Xander: Spike must have had her built so he could program her to...
Buffy: Oh, God.
Willow: Yikes. Imagine the things...
Buffy: No! No imagining, any of you.
Xander: I already go the visual.

Riley: Sorry about last time. Heard I missed out on some fun.
Xander: Oh, yeah. Fun was had. Also frolic, merriment, and near-death hijinks.

Angel: We need you to distract the vampires.
Buffy: Right.
Xander: What are you gonna do?
Buffy: I'm gonna kill them all... That oughta distract 'em.

Buffy: I just wanna get my life back, you know, do normal stuff.
Willow: Like date?
Buffy: Well...
Xander: Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
[Xander starts chuckling and Buffy punches him on the arm]
Xander: [still kind of chuckling] Ow.
Buffy: All right, yes, date and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff.

Miss: Oh, Xander... I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me?
Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name. Actually, it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with you life.

Xander: You're in love with a vampire? What, are you outta your mind?
Cordelia: [walking by] What?
Xander: [to Cordelia] Not vampire.
[to Buffy]
Xander: How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!
Cordelia: [to another student] Where did you get that dress? This is a one-of-a-kind Todd Oldham. Do you know how much this dress cost? Is this a knockoff? This is a knockoff, isn't it? Some cheesy knockoff. This is exactly what happens when you sign these free-trade agreements.

Willow: How about yours? Is she evil?
Xander: She's interested in me, so there's a good chance. But I'm hoping for the best.

[Xander, Willow and Anya are playing poker]
Xander: Wish the Buff could've made it. This three-hand poker is not quite the game.
Willow: Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.
Anya: Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
[the card deck explodes from Xander's hands, and in his embarrassment he changes the subject]
Xander: Well, they do seem to fall into the Good Guy camp. I mean, they are anti-demon.
[Anya gives her a look]
Xander: But probably pro ex-demon.
Willow: Well, they do seem to fall into the Good Guy camp. I mean, they are anti-demon.
Anya: Maybe. I choose to feel threatened.
Xander: And why not? There's still heaps we don't know about these commandos. What exactly are they up to?

Cordelia: What are you doing Friday night?
Wesley: Uh, uh... As always, my sacred duty as a Watcher prevents me from... Why?
Cordelia: I have a paper to write for English, and... you're English, so I thought...
[at everyone's looks]
Cordelia: What? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective?
[to Wesley]
Cordelia: I study best in a good restaurant, around eightish? Think it over?
[she leaves]
Xander: And on the day the words "flimsy excuse" were redefined, we stood in awe and watched.

Buffy: Uh, so, did anybody... uh... last night, you know, did anybody, um... burst into song?
[everyone is quiet for a second]
Xander: Merciful Zeus!
Willow: We thought it was just us!

[Dawn kicks Buffy in the shin]
Buffy: Ow.
Dawn: Dumbass.
[Buffy looks at Xander]
Xander: Don't look at me. This is a Summers' thing. It's all very violent.
Buffy: [to Dawn] If you get killed, I'm telling.

[preforming the spell]
Willow: Spiritus... spirit.
[Willow hands a card to Xander]
Xander: Animus... heart.
[Willow hands a card to Giles]
Rupert: Sophus... mind.
Willow: And Manus... the hand.

Willow: Hey! Speaking of people and things they do that aren't like usual, anyone notice Buffy acting sort of different?
Xander: Let's see, um, killing zombies, uh, torching sewer monsters, and, no, that's pretty much the, uh, same old Buffster.

[Xander takes a figure out of the emergency kit]
Xander: Puppets.
[laughs while making the figure dance]
Xander: That's it. The First hates puppets. Now if we can just air-lift Kermit, Fozzie the Bear, and Miss Piggy into town, The First would be a-runnin'.
Willow: Those are Muppets.

Dawn: It's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink.
Xander: No. No, that's not, that's not it at all. They just need time to, um, be tender. Relax.
Anya: He's not very convincing, is he?

Xander: The mayor is gonna kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Yeah, me, too.

Rupert: It must be a fairly heady experience... having that ability.
Willow: How'd she get it? Is she a witch? 'Cause we can fight a witch.
Xander: Hmm. Greek myths speak of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods.
[gets looks from everyone]
Xander: Research Boy comes through with the knowledge.

[Willow comes into her room. Two seconds later, Xander rushes in]
Xander: [panicked] Don't be scared, Wil. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.
Willow: [confused] Um... Okay.
Xander: Let's see. Stuff only you and me know... Okay! On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me.
[laughs slightly before returning to the panicked state]
Xander: For a while last year, I thought I was lactose intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas we watch "Charlie Brown" together, and I do the Snoopy dance.
[he does the dance. Willow watches, now with a little worried look as Xander gets more and more manic]
Willow: Xander, stop dancing.
Xander: Aha! You called me Xander!
Willow: Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?
Xander: Oh. Huh.
Willow: What's going on?
Xander: Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.
Willow: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It-It's more like a really nice hovel.
Xander: No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night. Fall down, boom. Woke up this morning.

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Xander: You got burned with Angel, and then Riley shows up.
Buffy: I *know* the story, Xander.
Xander: But you missed the point... You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy... when he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime... He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums...? If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't there, let him go. Break his heart and make it a clean break... But if you really think you can love this guy... I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need... If you're ready for that... then think about what you're about to lose.

Xander: Yeah, and the slaying isn't getting any easier, either.
Oz: Oh, I don't know, I think we're kinda gettin' a rhythm down.
Xander: We're losing half the vamps.
Oz: Yeah, but... rhythmically.

[Giles opens a book to a page of the mayor's demon form]
Xander: Hey...
[Xander opens a fold-out a couple of times]
Xander: ...we're going to need a bigger boat.

[Buffy and Cordelia arrive at the Homecoming Dance disheveled and dirty]
Xander: Oh, God! What did you two do to each other?
Buffy: Long story.
Cordelia: Got hunted.
Buffy: Apparently, not that long.

Dawn: Where are we going?
Xander: I have no idea.
Dawn: What?
Xander: I don't know, okay? I can't even run away well. That's something I'm usually good at.
Dawn: Maybe we should go back and help.
Xander: Yeah, 'cause I've been such a big help already. Standing around like a monkey while Buffy gets shot. Tara's dead and Willow's... losing...
Dawn: Well feeling sorry for yourself isn't helping either, Xander, okay...? You know, if Spike were here, he'd go back and fight.
Xander: Sure, if he wasn't too busy trying to rape your sister.
Dawn: [stunned] What?
Xander: Forget it.
Dawn: I don't believe you.
Xander: Fine.
Dawn: He wouldn't do that.
Xander: Is this blind spot, like, a genetic trait with the Summers women? The only useful thing Spike ever did was finally leave town.

[Dawn is still paralyzed]
Xander: It'll be all right. We'll get you fixed up. You'll be doin' limbo in no time.
Dawn: [mumbles] Yeah, as a pole.

Anya: I'd been dumped. I was miserable. Doing a few vengeance spells. Boils on the penis. Nothing fancy.
Xander: Please skip ahead.
Anya: D'Hoffryn got wind of me. He offered to elevate me.
Buffy: Meaning?
Anya: They made me a demon.

Rupert: How long *exactly* did you rest your eyes for?
Xander: A little now, uh, a little then. But I never heard Oz leave, and he was here in the morning when I, um when I...
Rupert: [yells] Woke up!
Xander: You could put it that way if you want to, Mr. Technical.

Xander: Sunnydale. Come for the food. Stay for the dismemberment.
Nancy: There's good food?

Xander: "Something weird is going on." Isn't that our school motto?

Buffy: First Thanksgiving on my own, and we all got through it.
Xander: And you know what? I think my syphilis is clearin' right up.
Buffy: And they say romance is dead. Or maybe they just wish it.

[watching Anya and Dawn doing a happy dance at the cash register]
Xander: I'm gonna marry that girl.
Buffy: What? She's 15 and my sister, so don't eve-
[realizes who he means]
Buffy: Oh.

Xander: I mean, sure he says he's a high school student, but I can say I'm a high school student.
Buffy: You are.
Xander: Okay, but I can also say that I'm an elderly Dutch woman. Get me? I mean, who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly Dutch chat room?
Buffy: I get your point... I get your point! Oh, this guy could be anybody. He could be weird, or crazy, or old, or... he could be a circus freak. He's probably a circus freak!
Xander: Yeah, I mean, we read about it all the time. Y'know, people meet on the net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show, horrible ax murder.
Buffy: Willow ax murdered by a circus freak... Okay, okay, what do we do?

Buffy: You would just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you?
Xander: I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a *reason*.

Rupert: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander: I didn't know it was evil.
Rupert: You knew it was beer.
Xander: Well, excuse me, Mister "I Spent the Sixties in an Electric-Kool-Aid-Funky-Satan Groove."
Rupert: It was the early seventies and you should know better.

[trying to think of what to get Tara for her birthday]
Xander: Well, candles, maybe, or bath oils of some kind.
Buffy: I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomies, but I think I want me to have it.
Rupert: And you are talking about what on earth?
Buffy: Tara's birthday. We're at a loss.
Rupert: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well, we don't really know the kind of things witches like. I mean, what, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Rupert: You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.

Xander: Respect the cruller and tame the doughnut!
Anya: That's still funny, sweetie.

Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think that you might be.

Xander: How you doin'?
Rupert: It only hurts when I answer pointless questions.

Xander: It's the jacket. It's true. Something about the big letter on the chest. Makes girls get all swoony and crushy. I saw i tall the time in school. And you couldn't just pin any old felt letter to your coat and get play... Not that I tried.

Xander: Duh. I mean guys would do anything to impress a girl. I-I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath.
Willow: It was pretty impressive, although later there was an ick factor.

[first lines]
Buffy: [Buffy almost stakes Xander when he, Willow and Cordelia appear from around a crypt]
Buffy: Non-vampire, plus two.
Willow: Hi.
Xander: Man, Buffy. My whole life just flashed before my eyes... I gotta get me a life.

Willow: Mr. Worth says you never pay attention.
Xander: I pay attention. Just not to him.

Xander: [to Buffy] And where are you from? The country of white trash?

Rupert: Oh, well, Apparently it hasn't happened yet. A bit of luck.
Willow: Or, you-you know what I bet? I-I bet the Initiative took care of it.
Rupert: Who?
Xander: Oh, Riley and his guys. Probably all over it.
Willow: Yeah, it has that "too neat" look. They must have cleaned up the place.
Rupert: What?
Willow: Oh, they read hot spots. Areas of other-worldly energy. They must have picked this place up days ago.
Rupert: Stop. Both of you. What... What are you talking about? Wh-Wh-What's the Initiative? Wh-Wh, um, what on earth does it have to do with Buffy's new boyfriend?
Willow: You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's one of the commandos.
Rupert: What...? Well, that's marvelous, isn't it? Here I am, spent weeks trying to, uh, get a single scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors and no one bothers to tell me That Buffy's *dating* one of them...? Who else knows?
Xander: No one. No one else knows this... Anya, and that's it.
Willow: And Spike.
Rupert: *Spike*...? Spike knew?
Xander: Only the basic stuff. You know, that Riley's a commando and Professor Walsh is in charge.
Rupert: *Professor Walsh*? That *fishwife*?

Xander: I'm the new bartender over at the pub. Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face.
Willow: Aren't you too young to be a bartender?
Xander: Au contraire, mon frère.
Buffy: Mon frère means brother.
Xander: Mon girl-frère. Behold.
[holds up a fake ID]
Willow: I don't believe this is entirely on the up-and-up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow: Looking at it.
Xander: Well, no one's gonna see it, anyway. Now *I'm* the bartender. I kick people out.

Xander: I cannot stress enough how much I don't have plans.

Kevin: Wow!
David: What is it?
Kevin: This system is insane! It's completely Linux based. Open Source programming! You don't see this in government systems, I mean outside like Switzerland

Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday, my life's like, "Uh-oh. Pop quiz." Today, it's rain of toads.

Xander: Let her finish. You at least owe her that.
Buffy: God, Xander... do you think you could at least stick to annoying me on you own behalf?
Xander: Fine. Oh, you stop acting like an idiot, and I'll stop annoying you.
Buffy: You want to talk acting like an idiot... Nighthawk?
Oz: Okay. I'm gonna step in now, being Referee Guy.
Willow: No, let 'em go, Oz. Talking about it isn't helping. We might as well try some violence.
[suddenly the zombies break into the house from all directions and start attacking the party guests]
Willow: I was being sarcastic!

Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too couply around Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and she had to put him down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?
Oz: All right, prepare to uncouple... Uncouple.
[both couples separate holding hands as they walk towards Buffy]

Xander: I managed to scare up the plan from the old high school. You remember the very center of Sunnydale's own Hellmouth?
Buffy: Under the library.
Xander: Right. So I lined up the plans, new and old, and right exactly where the library was, we now have...
Buffy: Principal's office.
Dawn: So the principal's evil?
Buffy: Or in a boatload of danger.
Xander: Well, the last two principals were eaten. Who'd even apply for that job?

Xander: Well, good morning, ladies. And what did you two do last night?
Willow: We had kind of a "pajama party sleepover with weapons" thing.
Xander: Oh, and I don't suppose either of you had the presence of mind to locate a camera to capture the moment.

Xander: The band. Yeah. They're great. They march.
Willow: Like an army... E-E-Except with music instead of bullets, and usually no one dies.

Xander: [singing] You're the cutest of the Scoobies / With your lips as red as rubies / And your firm yet supple- / Tight embrace.

Buffy: You didn't see him down there. He really didn't know what he'd done. It wasn't in his control.
Xander: Oh, an out-of-control serial killer. You're right. That is a great house-guest.

Willow: So we're lookin' for a beastie.
Rupert: That, uh, eats humans whole... Except for the skin.
Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?
[Giles looks at her thoroughly un-amused]
Buffy: You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh.

[Willow has found out Xander and Cordelia are together and she runs off down the hallway with Xander chasing]
Xander: Willow, come on!
Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not "knew it' in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much! It's not natural!
Xander: I know it's weird.
Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and man. It's Cordelia! Remember? The-The "We Hate Cordelia Club," of which you are the treasurer.
Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.
Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?
Xander: All right. Let's overreact, shall we?
Willow: But I'm...
Xander: Willow. We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.
Willow: No... It just means that you'd rather be with someone you hate than be with me.

Buffy: Sorry about the party.
Xander: Ah, don't worry about it.
Anya: It gave me more time to plan the bridal shower. Uh, where do we order obscenely muscular male strippers?

Billy: You can't touch me, Summers. I know all your darkest secrets.
Xander: Care to make a small wager on that?

Xander: Boys, if you don't knock it off, I will pull this car over and you can just walk to your painful deaths from here.

Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide!

Xander: Sad Buffy.
Willow: She didn't even touch her pumpkin. It's a freak with no face.
Oz: She's still suffering a little post-Parker depression.
Xander: Bailing on the Buff. Does anyone else wanna smack that guy?
[raises his hand. Willow and Oz do the same]

[Giles and Xander are hiding in the woods, watching for the mysterious commandos]
Xander: Every man faces this moment. Here. Now. Watching. Waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last.
Rupert: [impatiently] Oh, shut up.

Buffy: I'm gonna need every single one of you on board, especially you, Xander. You're sort of the key figure here.
Xander: Key...? Me...? Okay, pride, humility... and here's the mind-numbing fear... What do I have to do?

Xander: [singing] I've got a theory / We should work this out.
Xander: [singing] It's getting eerie / What's this cheery singing all about?

Xander: Your English is very bueno.
Ampata: I listen much.
Xander: Well, that works out well because I talk much.

Anya: I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams... you're all naked.
Xander: Really?
[laughs]
Xander: You know, if I'm in the checkout line at the Wal-Mart, I've had that same one.

Cordelia: What's wrong with you?
Xander: I gave you a compliment.
Cordelia: In front of your friends! They're gonna know!
Xander: Know what?
Cordelia: Please! It's too traumatic for me to even say it!
Xander: That we kissed?
Cordelia: Ugh!
Xander: Look, I'm not gonna tell. They're not gonna know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?
Cordelia: God, is that all you ever think about?... Okay.

Rupert: All we have to worry about right now is that she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane.
Xander: A *crazy* hell-god? And the fun just keeps on leaving!

Xander: People, prepare to have your spines tingled and your gooses bumped by the terrifying... Fantasia... Fantasia?
Oz: Maybe it's 'cause of all the horrific things we've seen but, hippos wearing tutus just don't unnerve me the way they used to.
Xander: Phantasm. It was supposed to be Phantasm. Stupid video store.

Xander: We gotta find shelter.
Spike: Yeah. Right bloody quick.
- I'm burnin' up out here.

[Xander is wearing a speedo]
Xander: I'm undercover.
Buffy: You're not under much.

Xander: So, uh, what do we do now?
Rupert: We still have to get to the Bronze.
Angel: Well, even if they're supposed to wait for her they may start feeding. Vampires are not notoriously reliable.
Xander: [Hopefully] So we charge in, much in the style of John Wayne?
Rupert: High casualty risk. I haven't any other plan, though.
Buffy: [Raises her hand] Uh, I have a really bad idea.

[Spike and Anya entering a frat party]
Spike: Hey... I know these guys from somewhere.
Anya: Initiative soldiers. They live here. The experiments happen in the lab under the house. It's where they kept you and put in your chip. Let's have fun!
Spike: What are you doing? You brought me *here*?
Xander: [approaching] Anya? What are you doing? You brought *him* here?
Spike: That's what *I* said. Only I hit the *here* part.

Olaf: I shall reward you. Only one of your women shall die, and you shall be the one to choose.
Willow: Did you just say...
Olaf: Choose. Anyanka or the witch. One of your women must die.
Xander: No... You are one crazy troll. I-I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane troll logic.

Rupert: There must be something in the Book of Tarnis that we've missed, something that we can use against Glory.
Anya: Piano!
Xander: Because that's what we used to kill that big demon that one time.
[pause]
Xander: No, wait, that-that was a rocket launcher. An, what are you talkin' about?
Anya: We should drop a piano on her. Well, it always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment.
Rupert: [sarcastic] Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing tunnel on the side of a mountain.

Xander: But you know what really bugs me? Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were *ever* gonna kiss.
Willow: Darn tootin'.
Xander: And they burst in rescuing us, without even *knocking*? I mean, this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does *not* resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.

Anya: Well, I just think I understand sex more now. It's not just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life. It's about making life.
Xander: Right. When two people are much older and way richer and far less stupid.
Anya: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you, but I could. We could. Life could come out of our love and our smooshing and that's beautiful. It all makes me feel like we're a part of something bigger, like I'm more awake somehow. You know?

Anya: You haven't called...! Not once.
Xander: You said you were over me.
Anya: And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
Xander: Well, that's the funny thing about me, I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
Anya: That's stupid.
Xander: I accept that.

Xander: Apparently, Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words.

Rupert: Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there's no hope of going there tomorrow.
Dawn: We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.
Xander: All those shops, gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys "R" Us. Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?

Xander: Right. Maybe we can help in other ways. Want some *fighting* pants, Buff? I can get ya some new fighting pants.

[last lines]
[unable to open a jar of peanut butter]
Buffy: Just feel better when I get my strength back.
Xander: Give ya a hand with that, little lady?
Buffy: [passes Xander jar] You're loving this far too much.
Xander: Admit it. Sometimes you just need a big strong man.
[can't undo lid, screen fades to black]
Xander: Uh, Wil, give me a hand with that?

Xander: Angel was in your bedroom?
Willow: Ours is a forbidden love.

[last lines]
Willow: Personal question?
Xander: Yeah, shoot.
Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?
Xander: Willow, how can you... I mean, that's really *bent*. She was... grotesque.
Willow: Still dug her, huh?
Xander: I'm sick. I need help.
Willow: Don't I know it.

Dawn: Oh, okay. So you've all just decided that somehow I'm responsible. Great. Here's me basking in the love.
Xander: No, it's just, you know, you're upset 'cause we all want to leave. And now we can't leave. Only thing missing is the cornfield. There... There isn't a cornfield, is there?

Xander: Just give it time, An. This is hard for all of us. Just be patient.
Anya: I was being patient, but it took too long.

Rupert: [reading] "For three nights the unholy ones scourge themselves into a fury, um, culminating in a savage attack on the Night of St. Vigeous."
Xander: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night?
Cordelia: You sure don't.

Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...
Xander: What, a license to kill?
Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?

Xander: [yells upstairs] That's okay, Mom. We don't need any more snacks.
Anya: I liked those Fruit Roll-Ups.
Xander: Shush. I though she'd never clear out. Besides, just think of my lips as the Fruit Roll-Ups of Love.
[pauses]
Xander: Okay, that was gross.

Xander: Let me tell you something. When it is dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever... I always think... "What would Buffy do?" You're my hero... Okay, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone I'd think, "What is Buffy wearing?"
Buffy: Can that be one of those things you never, ever tell me about?

[moving out of Xander's basement]
Anya: So, what kind of place are you looking for?
Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Someplace, you know, dark and dank... but not as dark and dank as this.
Anya: It's pretty depressing, isn't it?
Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one.
Xander: That's it. Let's go.

Xander: Well, we can take care of the hungry. So, how's about you just sit down in one of the sturdier chairs, and we can have a calm talk and something to eat.
Olaf: Can it be babies?
Xander: Well, not so much.
Olaf: Ooh.
Xander: But maybe... some roast pigs and stags and... much hearty grog.
Spike: They've got this onion thing.

Xander: Guys, guess what happened.
Willow: Buffy got a date!
Xander: No, *I* did!
[looks at Buffy]
Xander: Fine way to steal my thunder.
Buffy: Sorry. If it makes you feel better, it's Principal Wood, and I think he's aligned with The First.
Xander: Also, like ten years older than you, right?
Willow: Which is like 100 years younger than your type.
Buffy: Yay. Someone who doesn't remember the Industrial Revolution.

[first lines]
Buffy: This is *so* unfair.
Willow: I don't think it's that bad.
Buffy: It's the Über-suck. Mom could have at least warned me.
Xander: Well, a lot of parents are doing it this year. It's part of this whole cultural exchange magillah. The exhibit. The dance...
Willow: I have the best costume for the dance!
Buffy: A complete stranger in my house for two weeks. I'm gonna be insane! A danger to myself and others within three days, I swear.
Xander: I think the exchange-student program's cool. I do! It's a beautiful melding of two cultures.
Buffy: Have you ever done an exchange program?
Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?

[first lines]
Cordelia: I think we should get a limo.
Xander: A limo?
Cordelia: Yeah.
Xander: A big, expensive limo?
Willow: That sounds like fun. And it is our last Homecoming Dance, so maybe we should make a big deal out of it.
Xander: You wanna talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people. Back me up here, Oz.

Xander: How, exactly, do you *make* cereal?
Buffy: Ah. You put the box near the milk. I saw it on the Food Channel.

Willow: I'm serious, Buffy. We don't know what we're dealing with.
Xander: Okay, my turn. Does anyone hear that?
Buffy: Well, as soon as we start dealing with it, I'll know what it is I'm dealing with. Do you hear something?
Xander: Like I said... sounds like a hissing.
Buffy: It's like a "ssss" noise?
Xander: I thought the word "hissing" kind of covered that nicely.

Buffy: Want beer. Like beer. Beer good.
Xander: Beer bad. Bad, bad beer.

[after a demon attack during which Xander hid]
Xander: If anyone sees my spine layin' around, just try not to step on it.

[Buffy and Spike are engaged after a spell goes wrong]
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married.
Xander: How? What? How?
Rupert: Three excellent questions.

Anya: Um, if-if... If you wanna pay e-every bill here, and every bill coming, and have enough to start a nice college fund for Dawn, start charging.
Buffy: For what?
Anya: Slaying vampires. I mean, you're providing a valuable service to the whole community. I say cash in!
Buffy: Well, that's an idea... *you* would have. Any other suggestions?
Anya: Well, I mean, it's-it's not *so* crazy.
Dawn: Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives.
Anya: Spider-Man does.
Dawn: He does not.
Anya: Does too!
Dawn: Does not... Xander?
Xander: Action is his reward.

Xander: You're right.
- The avengers gotta get with the assembly.
- We'll go. We'll deal.
- We'll help.
- That's what we do.
- We help Buffy.
- How are we going to help?

Cordelia: Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker.
Buffy: Dead?
Cordelia: Totally dead. Way dead.
Xander: So not just a little dead then?

[Giles, Willow, Xander and Buffy in the library discussing Vamp Willow]
Willow: This is creepy. I don't like the thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me.
Xander: Not looks like... is.
Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh, yeah.
[Giles raises his hand]
Angel: [rushing in] Buffy, I... S-Something's happened that... Willow's dead.
[no one looks surprised]
Angel: [Angel sees Willow] Hey, Willow.
[takes another look at her]
Angel: Wait a second...
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.
Buffy: We saw her, too, at the Bronze.
Angel: Okay. Uh, she's there now with a cadre of vampires looking to party.
Buffy: We can figure out who she is after we stop the feeding frenzy.

[Principal Synder and the police are raiding the students lockers]
Xander: Aw, man, it's Nazi Germany, and I've got Playboys in my locker.

Xander: That is wrong. A big fat spankin' wrong. It's a slap in the face to everyone of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our D's.

[last lines]
[finally leaving Buffy's house]
Xander: I just wanna run barefoot on the grass so I can feel the dewdrops between my... God, look at the stars!

Anya: So that leaves me and the Dungeon Master in the North Hall?
Andrew: We will defend it with our very lives.
Anya: Yes. We will defend it with his very life.
Xander: And don't be afraid to use him as a human shield.
Anya: Good. Yes. Thanks.

Willow: His parents say he never came home last night.
Buffy: Y'know, I don't think I remember seeing Rodney on the bus back from the field trip.
Willow: I didn't either. I hope he didn't get in trouble at the museum.
Xander: [chuckles] Hey, maybe he awakened the mummy.
Willow: [giggles] Right, and it rose from its tomb.
Buffy: [smiles] And attacked him.
[their smiles fade as they all realize that it may not be so far-fetched]

[last lines]
Kevin: What's wrong, plum sauce?
Derek: You know what? I'm gonna let you guys do what you guys do.
Kevin: You... You know, don't you?
Penelope: Kevin... I like the way that things are now. I love how you have your space and I have my space, and when we come together, we're our own weird world unto ourselves, and... I don't want to ruin that.
Kevin: That's not what this would do.
Penelope: Yeah, it would.
Kevin: [pause] Penelope, are you, are you against marriage, or are you just against marrying me?
Penelope: Kevin... I'm just not ready yet.
Kevin: Well, I am.
[walks away]
Penelope: Kevin.

Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll, uh, regret later, okay?
Cordelia: You crazy freak!
Buffy: Vapid whore!
Xander: Like that.

Xander: [about the hospital] Man, words cannot express how much I hate this place.
Rupert: It's dreadful.
Anya: It's like communism.

Xander: Flowers for m'lady.
Buffy: I think they call those balloons.
Xander: Yeah, stick 'em in water, maybe they'll grow.

Kevin: Agent Rossi? We need to talk, about Penelope, man to man
David: Man to man
[both walk away]
Derek: What about Penelope?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I don't know
Jennifer: [singing] Garcia and Kevin sitting in a tree...
[turns around and walks away]
Derek: Get out of here! Are you serious?
[joins JJ]
Emily: Just when I thought nothing scandalous was every gonna happen around here
Dr. Spencer Reid: What? What does that mean?
Emily: Didn't you hear JJ?
Dr. Spencer Reid: That song meant something? No! No I missed it
Emily: It... it... You know what, never mind
Dr. Spencer Reid: [looks around bewildered] What?

Willow: Did I really hit you?
Xander: You knocked me out.
Cordelia: Did I hit you?
Xander: Yes. Everyone hit me.
Cordelia: Good. Well, I don't mean good because I hit you, but, I didn't wanna be left out.

Xander: I'm exhausted just lookin' at those two. All the splashing and jumping and running. Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
Anya: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.
Tara: Oh, which can cause the, um, pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.
Willow: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.

Xander: I'm just sayin', once you get back the soul, doesn't that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the floor?
Willow: No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.

[Ampata is dancing silently with Xandar when she sees her hand reverting to a mummy and runs away]
Xander: [bewildered] Okay. At least I can rule out something I said.

[when the vampires start attacking, Xander drops to his knees, clasps his hands and looks upward]
Xander: Hey, I'm not sure what I am, so bear with me here. Now I lay me down to sleep, uh, Shabbat Israel, uh, Omm. Omm.

Xander: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you. Very exciting.
Willow: It was like the Heimlich with stripes.

Anya: I know you like me. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: No offense, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.

Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good.

[last lines]
Xander: So, college not so scary after all, huh?
Buffy: It's turning out to be a lot like high school which I can handle. At least I know what to expect.

Spike: [bursts in with tarp over him; smoking] Close the door!
Xander: Spike? You may want to give up these morning jogs.

Willow: By the way, are we hoping to find a body, or no body?
Xander: Call me an optimist, but I'm hopin' to find a fortune in gold doubloons.

Anya: Xander, I think you may have hurt his feelings.
Xander: And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer.
[thinks]
Xander: You know, that's, uh, that's actually some pretty good advice.

Xander: Welcome. So, you're a slayer, huh? I like that in a woman.
Kendra: I-I hope... I tank you, I mean, sir, um... I will be of service.
Xander: Great! Good. It's good to be a giver.

Willow: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game.
Buffy: You know what this means.
Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body-count competition this year?
Buffy: She wasn't killed by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse.
Cordelia: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word "corpse" in it?

Mag: Big axe you got there.
Xander: The better to cut you down to size, Grandma.

Xander: Well, it'll be faster if we split up to look for her.
Rupert: Good idea.
[Xander and Giles go in opposite directions leaving Willow standing there alone]
Willow: Uh-uh, faster, but not really safer.

Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too couply around her.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean because the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell or what?

Spike: Oh, balls! You didn't say he was a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik.
Xander: 'Cause I can't say Glarba-
[the demon attacks]

Xander: But you need a thing... one thing nobody else has... What do I have?
Oz: An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.

[last lines]
Jennifer: I think someone's watching you.
Penelope: Do you believe everything happens for reason?
[walks to Kevin]
Penelope: You.
Kevin: You.
Penelope: You're good.
Kevin: You're better.
[pause]
Kevin: Kevin Lynch.
Penelope: Penelope.

Xander: I know there's nothing that I can say or do to make up for what I did. I can't. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, "Oh God, is this my life? Was that me?"
Anya: Me too.
Xander: But you gotta believe me. Please. I *want* to make up for it. I wanna take away the hurt... I love you so much.

Buffy: Buffy the Vampire Slayer would break down this door.
Xander: And Buffy the Counselor?
Buffy: Waits.

Buffy: You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in... You came to beg me to let *you* back in... to give your jobs, your lives, some semblance of meaning.
Nigel: This is beyond insolence...
[Buffy throws a sword into the wall next to him]
Buffy: I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions.
Xander: That was excellent.

Anya: I made the rounds myself, tried to dig up anything useful from the demon community.
Xander: They're a community, now? What's next? A ladies' auxiliary?

Buffy: Zippo. Patrol's been totally uneventful. My kill count's way down.
Willow: [to Tara] She means there's been less bad-guy activity.
Rupert: We know what that often indicates.
Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota. Bad Slayer.

Xander: Well, how could you say I'm using you?
Anya: You don't care about what I think. You don't ask about my day.
Xander: You really did turn into a real girl, didn't ya?
Anya: See? And you make jokes during my pain. You don't care about me at all.

Riley: Did anyone else feel way too tall? I felt *way* too tall.
Xander: I liked his clothes. He had really cool clothes.
Willow: I still don't understand how he got the house and everything.
Anya: And who really did star in The Matrix?
Riley: Wait! That wasn't real either?

[first lines]
Xander: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Anya: Again?
Buffy: Xander, we don't have time.
Xander: I know. it's just... what happened back there... the sounds of it... the smell.
Buffy: I know.
Xander: Willow did that.
Buffy: That's why we have to keep moving. You heard what she said, "One down."
Anya: She was talking about two to go, right? Jonathan and... what's-his-face, the other guy.
Buffy: Andrew. They're just sitting at County Jail without a clue Willow's coming.
Xander: You don't think she's gonna kill them, too? She wouldn't. It doesn't make sense.
Buffy: Willow's got an addictive personality. She just tasted blood. And she could be there already.
Anya: No, she couldn't. A witch at her level... she can only go airborne. It's the thing. More flashy, impresses the locals, but it does take longer.
Xander: Longer then what?
Anya: Teleporting.
[in an instant, Anya disappears]
Xander: Right. Vengeance demon. Well, at least she'll get there first.
Buffy: I'm counting the ways that can go wrong.

Xander: Look, everyone expects me to mess up again. Like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze, that pointed silence.
Buffy: 'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox.
Xander: No, but it's different now. It's more a verbal nonverbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes.

Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But, oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.

Xander: What's this ascension mean?
Rupert: I'm not sure.
Wesley: No, not really a common term in demonology.
Willow: Ooh, ooh! The-The Merenshtadt text! Uh, I think in the section on genocide, they mention ascension.
Buffy: Well, we have a winner.
Xander: And more importantly, two losers.

Willow: Do you have Theories in Trig? You should check it out.
Xander: "Check it out"?
Willow: From the library... where the books live.

[last lines]
Anya: Xander...
[Xander stops and turns around]
Anya: What if I'm really nobody?
Xander: Don't be a dope.
Anya: I'm a dope.
Xander: Sometimes.
Anya: Well, that's a start.

Wesley: Buffy, this is a job for the both of you. This demon could be anywhere. If these books are as important as he says, he has good reason to hide. Finding him's going to be extremely difficult.
Xander: [entering] Found your demon.
Buffy: Fashion tip, Wes. Mouth looks better closed.

Xander: Robots are the strangest people.
Buffy: No... *People* are the strangest people. I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone. It's, like... I don't need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.
Xander: Well, I'll say this. She's a pretty cool person to be alone with.

[in Xander's dream]
[in bathroom, he turns and finds scientists and soldiers from the Initiative watching]
Xander: Okay, I'm gonna find another bathroom.

Mike: No, we're not splitting up. We're just gonna go in two different groups.

Xander: How did we get here?
Buffy: Scenic route. Long drive.

Xander: And we thought just because we didn't have any money or any place to go, this'd be a lackluster evening.
Willow: I know, we could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own teabags and ask for hot water.
Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Wil, before you land us all in jail.

[Xander has been put under Dracula's control]
Xander: I think you're drawing a low of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince!
[everyone gives him a strange look]
Xander: Bator.

[Xander in the process of tying Andrew to a chair]
Xander: Now, we can do this the hard way...
Andrew: Ow!
Xander: ...if you want. But believe me when I tell ya, this will go much easier if you just tell us what you know.
Andrew: Ow!

Spike: You didn't tell me. You brought her back, and you didn't tell me.
Xander: Well, now you know.
Spike: I worked beside you all summer.
Xander: We didn't tell you. It was just... We didn't, okay?

Xander: No, it's cool. You guys got your little college thing. I'm fine. I mean, I got better things to do than tag along to some fraternity.
Willow: You can come.
Xander: 'kay. But only because I lied about having better things to do.

Buffy: Wasn't exactly a perfect Thanksgiving.
Xander: I don't know. Seemed kinda right to me. A bunch of anticipation, a big fight, and now we're all sleepy.

Xander: Does this mean that I have to... be your queen?
Sweet: It's tempting... but I think we'll waive that clause just this once.

Xander: You're not coming.
Andrew: What? W-Why? 'Cause I used to be evil?
Xander: No. Actually, because you're annoying, but, uh, that's a good reason, too.
Andrew: Wait, Wait. Don't-Don't- Don't leave me here alone. I-I keep getting attacked in this house.
Dawn: Actually, Xand...
Andrew: W-What if this is all part of the plan? Drive you guys away so it can have its way with me? E-Ev-Ever think of that?
Xander: I'll risk it.
Andrew: Okay. Well, if you leave me here alone, I'll-I'll do something evil, like burning something or gluing things together.

Xander: I'm still having trouble with the fact that one of us is just gonna gun everybody down for no reason.
Cordelia: Yeah, because that never happens in American high schools.

Rupert: If Drusilla is alive, then i-i-it could be a fairly cataclysmic state of affairs.
Xander: Again, so many words. Couldn't you just say, "we'd be in trouble"?
Rupert: Go to class, Xander.
Xander: Gone... Notice the economy of phrasing. "Gone." It's simple. Direct.

[after Dawn screwed up at cheerleader audition, in front of her crush RJ. Dawn sobs in the bathroom at home, with Buffy hopelessly trying to talk to her from outside. Xander comes around the corner]
Xander: Things a lot better, I see.
Buffy: I don't think tonight's gonna be good for videos, Xand.
Xander: Right, with the wailing and the crying. Still better than a cozy evening with Spike. Shall I order a pizza? Don't teens in a snit like pizza?
Dawn: [opens the door] It is not a snit. I-I finally met him, the guy of my dreams, okay, and I blew it! RJ hates me now.
[Buffy notices the torn cheerleading clothes on the floor]
Buffy: Dawn, what is that?
Dawn: Just the end of my life.
[walks away, sobbing]
Xander: Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.

Xander: I don't know how stuff got so mixed up... I blew it.
Buffy: No! Well, maybe it wasn't the best time to break up with her, but...
Xander: No. It wasn't about breaking up. I love her, and God, I miss her so much.
Willow: So you left her at the altar, but you still wanna...
Buffy: You still wanna date?
Xander: I guess. I know that I'm a better person with her in my life. But things got so complicated with the wedding, and with my family, and with her demons, and what if it all goes to Hell, and-and forever? But then I left. And ever since... I've had this painful hole inside. And I'm the idiot that dug it out... I screwed up real bad.
Buffy: Hey, we all screw up.

Xander: How could you let her go?
Rupert: As the soon to be purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not *let* her go.

Buffy: Okay, everybody grab a weapon. We've gotta move.
Xander: And storm the Initiative. Yeah. Let's take on those suckers!
Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
Xander: Oh, thank God.
Rupert: Buffy, I think perhaps we should talk about this.
Buffy: We need to relocate someplace we're less likely to be found. We need to come up with a plan.
Willow: We could go to my place.
Buffy: The Initiative guys know how close we are. They'll automatically check the places that you hang out. Xander, what about your basement? The guys haven't seen us together that much and-and there's enough room.
Willow: Ooh, plus, mirrored ball.
Xander: Cool! Come on down and boogie at Xander's hideaway.
Anya: Yes. Come Boogie.
Rupert: Absolutely not. I will not squat in that dank hole.
Spike: What, it was good enough for me, but you're above it all?
Rupert: Precisely. Besides, I-I don't see why we can't stay right where we are. It's very unlikely that those Initiative boys are gonna come around here to look for our...
Rupert: [Riley enters] Buffy...! God, Buffy, are you okay...? What happened?
Buffy: You know?
Riley: I know something went down... Tell me.
Buffy: Maggie tried to kill me.
Anya: It didn't work, but they're all upset anyway.
Riley: Okay, listen. I need you to go over everything step by step. There has to be, has to be some kind of mistake.
Xander: There was no mistake. And how do you know something happened?
Riley: I was on a mission... but I came back and... I'm not sure. Look, let's just keep our heads and not jump to any...
[Riley stops and stares at Spike]
Buffy: What?

Rupert: It'll be dark soon... I think it would be wise for you to leave Sunnydale.
Spike: I'm not going anywhere... not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.
Xander: Sure, just explain to the nice scientist guys that you *really* miss killing and torturing innocent people.
Spike: You think that would work?
Rupert: Spike, Lord knows why I'm telling you this. It's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here.
Buffy: No... It's not safe for any of us.

Kennedy: It's okay. We'll just start with what we know, take it from there.
Xander: Great. So far, we know Jack about squat. Let's go from there.

[Xander is lying in his bed, brooding. Anya comes in]
Anya: Xander... You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning.
[looks under covers]
Anya: You can't go like that. They won't even interview you if you're naked.
Xander: I'm not going. There's never anything good. Maybe I *should* join the army.
Anya: Don't they make you get up really early in the morning?
Xander: Oh, yeah. Never mind.
Anya: Are you still upset about that fight you had with your friends? It was hours ago! Get over it.
Xander: Anya, you... Forget it.
Anya: So they all think you're a lost, directionless loser with no plans for his future. Pfft!
Xander: Anya, you can't pfft that stuff away.
Anya: Why not?
Xander: I don't know... 'Cause I think maybe they're right.
[Anya looks at him for a few seconds, then lies down with him]
Anya: So what if they are? You're a good person and a good boyfriend and... And I'm in love with you. Whatever they think of you, it shouldn't matter.
Xander: Yeah... Yeah, it doesn't matter.
[looks to the ceiling, unconvinced]

Buffy: No! You guys are gonna have a prom... the kind of prom that everyone should have... I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every single person on the face of the Earth to do it.
Xander: Yay?

Xander: Whoa. Check out the goat-heady badness.

Andrew: What's going on?
Anya: Dawn's gonna be a Slayer.
Andrew: Holy crap! Excuse me. Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny.
Xander: Say "Skywalker," and I smack ya.

Xander: You up for a little reconnaissance?
Buffy: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
Xander: No, that was the Renaissance.
Buffy: Oh. I've had a really long week.

Willow: [to Buffy] Have you Googled her yet?
Xander: Willow, she's seventeen!
Willow: It's a search engine.

Xander: [to Giles] You ready to get down, you funky party weasel?

Buffy: Look, if-if Glory knew that you guys knew where it was I... I-I just didn't want to put you in that kind of danger.
Xander: As opposed to the other kind we're always in?

Xander: Well, hey, it's Demon Anya, punisher of evil males. Still haven't got your powers back? You haven't, right?
Anya: No. I will, though. It's just a matter of time.
Xander: So, now how did that work? Women would wish horrible things on their ex-boyfriends. You'd show up and make it happen.
Anya: That's right. The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful.
Xander: Well, hey, good luck with that. Hope it works out for you.
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of this species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: [sighs] I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well gosh, I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil... Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
Anya: You know, this happens to be all your fault.
Xander: My fault?
Anya: You were unfaithful to Cordelia, so I took on the guise of a twelfth-grader to tempt her with the Wish. When I lost my powers, I got stuck in this persona, and now I have all these "feelings." I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I *really* wanna go to this dance, and I want someone to go with me.
Xander: Be still my heart. Oh wait, it is.

Buffy: [about Spike] He-He mentioned something about a song in the cellar. Uh, and he-he changed there, too. I mean, instantly became another person.
Xander: Trigger.
Anya: The horse?
Xander: No. In his head. It's a trigger. It's a brainwashing term. It-It's how the military makes sleeper agents. They- They brainwash operatives and condition them with a specific trigger, like a song, that makes 'em drastically change at a moment's notice.
Willow: Is this left over from your days in the Army?
Xander: No, this is left over from every army movie I've ever seen.

Xander: Buffy, do you get that? If I do this, that's it for me for this fight. I feel like you're puttin' me out to pasture.
Buffy: Of course I'm not putting you out to pasture. What does that even mean?
Xander: Well, you know, it's like, uh, when a cow gets old and loses an eye, or its ability to be milked, the farmer takes it and puts it in a different pasture so it won't have to... fight... with the priests.
[chuckles]
Xander: Look, I don't need you to protect me.
Buffy: I'm not.

Oz: [to Willow] Well, I can see why you'd be upset. Uh, that was my sarcastic voice.
Xander: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Oz: I've been told that.

Rupert: Xander...! Where's Buffy?
Xander: [to Oz] Amy turned her into a rat.

[first lines]
[Xander has carved a pumpkin]
Xander: I don't know. Uh, I was going for ferocious-scary but it's coming out more dryly-sardonic.
Willow: It does appear to be mocking you with its eye-holes.
Oz: Yet its nose-hole seems sad and full of self-loathing.
Xander: What do you think, Buff?
Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others... and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out.

Dawn: [to Buffy] It's not fuzzy. You're what? Dealing with troubled kids?
Xander: At a spankin' new Hellmouth High. Please. Outside of drugs, and violence and unwanted pregnancy and, uh, the unleashing of hordes of Armageddon that comes pouring out of the school's foundation every now and then, what trouble could these kids have?

Willow: We were able to decipher pretty much everything, except these.
Tara: It-It isn't written in any ancient language we could identify.
Xander: [chuckles] It's Klingon. They're- They're love poems.

Xander: [to Jonathan] Oh, oh! He's like your kryptonite.

Jesse: [after being turned into a vampire] Sorry? I feel good, Xander. I feel strong. I'm connected, man, to everything! I, I can hear the worms in the earth.
Xander: That's a plus.

Penelope: Oh, God, JJ sent that alert 30 minutes ago. They must have looped the system. That's why I couldn't read any hard-lines.
Aaron: Which of the servers sent the message?
Security: [coming to Garcia and Kevin] Hands where we can see them.
Kevin: What? Wow, wow. Wow.
Penelope: Utherlay oadchurchbray... Utherlay oadchurchbray.
Alex: You don't need to be a linguist to recognize pig Latin.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Luther and Broad Church is the location of Cramer Industries. It's a research and development company.

[Riley is scraping out slime out of someone's mouth with a pen and everyone recoils from the smell]
Riley: Ugh. That might be toxic. Don't touch it.
Xander: Oh yeah. Touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on to my second, which involves dry heaving and running like hell. Oh man, does that smell.

Spike: Ow! Watch it. That hurts.
Rupert: It doesn't appear to be a bullet. It's too deeply embedded to be a tranquilizer dart.
Spike: Also not tranquil.
Rupert: Some sort of illumination emanating from it... It's blinking.
Spike: I don't care if it's playing "Rockin' the Casbah" on the bloody Jew's harp. Just get it out of me!
Rupert: All right, Anya, there's a bottle of Cognac in the, uh, cabinet next to the sink. Will you get it for me?
Spike: What, you're gonna get snockered now?
Rupert: It's not for me, you prat. If I'm gonna operate on you, I need you anesthetized. this'll take some time.
Xander: We don't have any. That blinking thing. My pseudo-soldier memory bank tells me that's a tracer.
Rupert: A what?
Spike: A what?
Xander: It's like a homing beacon. And if commando guys are reading the signal, they're coming home.
[Anya hands Spike the Cognac, and he begins to guzzle it]
Rupert: Well, we need to buy some time. It's in deep and I'm no surgeon.

Xander: I'll take 2 glazed, 2 cinnamon couple cream-filled and a jelly. No, no. Let's round that out to 4 jellies.
Cordelia: [entering] Ooh, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission.
Xander: Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next 20 seconds.
Cordelia: Ooh, again, I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean.

Xander: So, with Buffy and Riley having... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock lately, maybe they set something free... like a big, bursting poltergasm.

Rupert: He had a very specific... olfactory presence.
Xander: Well, I guess we're off to the old factory. I hate that place.

Xander: So, what have we found out so far?
Willow: Take a look at that. Something sped outta here pretty damn quick to-to make that kind of tread mark.
Xander: Those could have been made anytime.
Willow: Yeah, but this wasn't.
[Willow gives Xander a little bottle]
Xander: What is it?
Willow: Paint that I scraped off the fire hydrant.
Xander: What fire hydrant?
[clashes his foot at something solid]
Xander: Ow!
Willow: That one.

Xander: Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny-worshippers.
Anya: Great. Thank you very much for those nightmares.

Xander: [about Dawn] You know, uh... she kinda has a crush on me.
Rupert: Your point being?
Xander: Well, nothing. No. Just saying, powerful being... big energy gal diggin' the Xan man. Some guys are just cooler, you know?

[Xander sniffs Buffy]
Buffy: Okay, now what?
Xander: You took a bath.
Buffy: Yeah, I-I often do. I'm actually known for it.
Xander: That's okay.
Buffy: And the weird behavior award goes to...

Buffy: What is it with those guys?
Willow: They're obnoxious, professionally.
Xander: Well, every school has them. See, you start a new school. You get your desks, some blackboards, and some mean kids.

Xander: Hey, Buffy... Where... Where are you?
Buffy: At table four, apparently.
Anya: Well, that remains to be seen, like you.
Buffy: Don't strain yourself looking, Xander. I'm Invisible Girl.

Xander: Why don't you pick on someone in your own species?

Xander: Don't let me stop you from not being here.
Spike: I was here first, you know.
Xander: Uh-huh. Go away.
Spike: Now, why would I do that when it's bugging you so much having me here...? They have chicken wings, too. Also, a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant.
Xander: Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?
Spike: Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.

[Buffy didn't know Angel was around]
Willow: But, at least we all worked together and it was like old times.
Xander: Well, maybe we started a new tradition this year...
[Buffy looks at her]
Xander: Maybe not. But at least we all worked together.It was like old times.
Xander: Yeah, especially with Angel being here and everything.
[everyone stares at him for a long time]
Xander: Oops.

Xander: They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie... to be the one who *isn't* chosen, to live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me... I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special... You're extraordinary.

[first lines]
Xander: May I cut in?

Xander: Maybe we can save the "maybes" for more of a dayish part of the day, girls... Potential Slayers can function without sleep. Me, I'm no good without my usual ninety minutes.
Andrew: I'm with him. Keep the chatter down! Or speak up so I can hear you. I'm bored. Episode I bored.

[first lines]
Xander: [to Spike] You're gonna live in the small room over there. I know it looks like a closet, but it's a room now. You're not gonna touch my food. I take the first show, and if I use up all the hot water, that's your tough noogies.

Xander: I'm not enjoying this.
Rupert: Well, shelve them correctly and we can finish.
Xander: I don't get your crazy system.
Rupert: My system? It's called the alphabet.
Xander: Huh... Would ya look at that.

Willow: And I will, therefore, fix it. I got her head back on, didn't I? And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.
Buffybot: Oh, who's there?
Xander: You know, if we want her to be exactly...
Spike: She'll never be exactly.
Xander: I know.
Tara: The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.
Giles: And she's gone.
Buffybot: If-we-want-her-to-be-exactly-she'll-never-be-exactly-I-know-the-only-really-real-Buffy-is-really-Buffy-and-she's-gone who?

Buffy: You and Xander are gonna have to work together now. Can you guys handle that?
Xander: I'm still Key Guy, right?
Buffy: Right.
Xander: Great. Then Angel, in his non-Key-Guy capacity, can work with me.
Angel: What fun.
Xander: Hey, Key Guy's still talkin'.

Xander: It's fast food. I have swum these murky waters, my friend. There's the assorted creepiness. There's staring. There's the enthusiastic not-showing-up-at-all.

[Buffy bot enters the room with everyone there]
Xander: Hey, I know this. They're *both* Buffy.
Buffy: No. She's a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made. You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?

Rupert: [singing] Will this do a thing to change her / Am I leaving Dawn in danger / Is my slayer too far gone to care?
Xander: [singing] What if Buffy can't defeat it?
Anya: [singing] Beady Eyes is right, we're needed! / Or we could just sit around and glare.
Rupert: [singing] We'll see it through / It's what we're always here to do / So we will walk through the fire.

Xander: Sure. The discus throwers got the best seats at *all* the crucifixions.

Buffy: Wil, give me something.
Willow: Okay, uh, um, the icon's called the-the Mark of Gachnar. I-I-I think this is a-a summoning spell for something called...
Xander: Gachnar?
Willow: Well, yes. Somehow, the-the beginning of the-the spell must have been triggered. Um, Gachnar's trying to manifest itself, to-to come into being.
Buffy: How?
Willow: It-it feeds on fear.
Buffy: Our fears are manifesting. We're feeding it. We-We need to stop.

Anya: I wish that Joyce didn't die... because she was nice. And now we all hurt.
Xander: Anya, ever the wordsmith.
Buffy: Thank you.

Kevin: Wait! So, we're looking for a black SUV with its sirens on. That's gonna stand out

Dawn: This place is so cool. Except I have to wear this stupid stamp on my hand.
Xander: That's to keep you from boozing it up.
Dawn: Oh, please. Only losers drink alcohol.

Dawn: [about M'Fashnik demon] I'm guessing on how you say it. It's got an apostrophe. I think it's MmmFashnik. Like, mmm, cookies.
Xander: Or maybe, Muh-Fashnik. Like Muh... Fashnik.

Xander: I mean, what do you think Buffy's gonna do with this information? Jump up and down, teach Dawn the secret handshake? She knows what this means.
Anya: Short, brutal life. Sharp, sharp knives. I covered this.

Buffy: We need to analyze that burger. We need to find out if it used to be people.
Xander: [mouth full of burger] What...? People?
Buffy: Xander, you ate the burger?
Xander: Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger. Blah, blah, blah. Five minutes later, "Oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious, human flesh"?

Willow: You can't stop this.
Xander: Yeah. I get that. It's just, where else am I gonna go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end, where else would I wanna be?
Willow: Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me you love me?
Xander: Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony.
Willow: Still making jokes.
Xander: I'm not joking... I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. And I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid, And, hey, I still wanna hang. You're Willow.
Willow: Don't call me that!
Xander: The first day of kindergarten, you cried because you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far. Ending the world, not a terrific notion... But the thing is... yeah, I love you. I love crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary-veiny Willow. So if I'm goin' out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world... well, then start with me. I've earned that.
Willow: You think I won't?
Xander: It doesn't matter. I'll still love you.
Willow: Shut up!
[casts a spell on him, so he bleeds from his cheek]
Xander: I love you.
[Willow casts another spell on him, making him fall over from pain and bleed from other parts of his body as well]
Xander: I... love you.
Willow: Shut up!
[casts a spell again, but hits him weakly]
Xander: I love you, Willow.
Willow: Stop!
[tries to cast another spell, but fails]
Xander: I love you!
Willow: [crying] Stop!
[Xander comes towards her, and she starts hitting him all over his body, but falls on her knees into a moving hug with him, with her bawling]
Xander: [whispering] I love you...
[while still crying and hugging Xander, Willow's hair gradually becomes redder and her veins disappears, allowing the old Willow to appear]

Buffy: I'm the Slayer. The one with the power... and The First has me using that power to dig our graves... I've been carrying you, all of you, too far, too long. Ride's over.
Kennedy: You're out of line!
Willow: No, she's not.
Kennedy: You're gonna let her talk to you like that? Willow, she's not even the most powerful one in this room. With you here, she's not close.
Buffy: You're new here, and you're wrong., because I use the power that I have. The rest of you are just waiting for me.
Xander: Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the."
Buffy: Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say."
Xander: Jawohl! But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends.
Anya: I'm not.
Buffy: Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is it that you do?
Anya: I- I provide much needed... sarcasm.
Xander: Um, that'd... kinda be my job, actually.

Xander: How's Wil dealing...
Buffy: With the black hole of despair she's been living in since Oz left...? She's dealing. I'm helping. It's hard. Ergo, party.

Xander: [to Cordelia] Hey, did ya hear about Willow getting into Oxnard?
Willow: Oxford.
Xander: And M.I.T. And Yale and every other college on the face of the planet, as in your face I rub it.

Xander: How can I say this clearly?
[holds up cross]
Xander: I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire... but Buffy's got this big old yen for ya. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.
Angel: You're in love with her.
Xander: Aren't you?

[last lines]
Xander: Willow... Willow. Are you okay?
Willow: Did it work?
Xander: I'm sorry.

Buffy: I'm Buffy. I'm new.
[Buffy walks away]
Xander: [to himself] You're new and improved!

Xander: A demon. A demon has taken my life from me and he's living it better than I do.
Willow: Uh... well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to un-hypnotise her. I'll find a spell to snap her out of it.
Xander: Right. Whatever.
Willow: Xander, you sound a little... You have to help me figure this out, you know.
Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble, and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.

Xander: So what are our options?
Willow: Well, I figure either I refuse to do the spell and he kills us or I do the spell and he kills us.
Xander: Give me a third option.
Willow: He's so drunk he forgets about us, and we starve to death. That's sort of the best one.

[regaring their trick-or treat assignment]
Xander: I can't believe this. We have to get dressed up and the whole deal?
Willow: Snyder said costumes were mandatory.
Buffy: Great. I was gonna stay in and veg. The one night a year things are supposed to be quiet for me.
Xander: Halloween quiet? Why, I figured it'd be a big old vamp scare-a-palooza.

[at The Bronze]
Anya: Xander. You haven't been paying any attention to me tonight. Just peddling those processed food bricks. I don't know why.
Xander: Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars. Make money. Take Anya nice places. Buy pretty things.
Anya: That does make sense. All right, I support you. Go sell more.

Rupert: Ooh! Sounds like paranormal phenomena.
Willow: A ghost? Cool!
Xander: Oh, no, no. No. No cool. This was no wimpy chain-rattler. This was, "I'm dead as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
Rupert: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
Xander: I defined something...? Accurately...? Guess I'm done with the book learning.
Buffy: So we have some bad boo on our hands?
Rupert: Yes.
Willow: Well, why is it here? Does it just wanna scare people?
Rupert: Unfortunately, he doesn't know exactly what he wants. That's-That's the trouble. See, uh, many times the spirit is plagued by all manner worldly troubles. Being dead, it has no way to-to-to make its peace. So it-it-it lashes out, growing ever more confused, ever more angry.
Buffy: So it's a normal teenager... Only dead.
Willow: Well, what can we do? Is there any way to stop it?
Rupert: Well, the only tried and true way is to work out what unresolved issues keep it here and-and-and-and, um... resolve them.
Buffy: Fabulous! Now we're Dr. Laura for the deceased.
Rupert: Only if we can find out who the spirit is... or was.

Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.

Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.

Xander: Oh, hey, did ya guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight?
Willow: Cibo Matto! They're playing?
Xander: No, Will, they're gonna be clog dancing.
Willow: Cibo Matto can clog dance?
[Xander looks at her]
Willow: Oh, sarcasm. Right.

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there were only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."
Willow: Come on. You don't think he ever got restless as a kid?
Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed.

Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around. Maybe at school... since we... both... go there.
Buffy: Great! It was nice to meet you.
[leaves]
Xander: [to himself] We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.
[noticing something on the floor]
Xander: Oh. Hey! Hey, you forgot your... stake.

Vamp: We really are livin' in a golden age.

Cordelia: Well, if it isn't the Three Musketeers.
Buffy: [pause] Was that supposed to be an insult?
Xander: Kind of a light punch.
Willow: Yeah, the Three Musketeers are cool.

Anya: At which point, the matter is brought to a conclusion with both parties satisfied and able to move on with their separate lives and interests. To sum up, I think it's a workable plan.
Xander: So... the crux of this plan is...
Anya: Sexual intercourse. I've said it, like, a dozen times.
Xander: Uh-huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here.

[Anya and Xander / his double sit on a blanket after kissing]
Anya: So... what happens next?
Xander: Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
Anya: I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
Xander: A car?
Anya: And a boat. No, wait, I - I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.
Xander: What are you talking about?
Anya: Just... we have get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
Xander: There's no hurry.
Anya: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as fifty years left.
Xander: Fifty years? What is thi- Oh, wait a minute. This is about this.
[he touches her arm sling]
Anya: What about the sling?
Xander: You haven't been hurt like this since you became human.
[She nods reluctantly]
Xander: Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.
Anya: [she pouts] No, that's not it.
Xander: Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years.
[Anya nods]
Xander: And now you're gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.
Anya: You don't understand what it's like.
Xander: Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.
Anya: You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And... you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.
Xander: No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something. I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older.

Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.

Buffy: Wil, you know how bad I feel about this. Okay? It's eating me up...
[to Anya]
Buffy: A quarter cup of brandy and let it simmer.
[to Willow]
Buffy: ... but even though it's hard, we have to end this. Yes, he's been wronged, and I personally would be ready to apologize, but I...
Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me.
Xander: You got a lot of volunteers in *here*.
Spike: I just can't take all this namby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
Willow: Uh, the preferred term is...
Spike: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them, and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not goin' around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
Buffy: Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of...
[to Willow]
Buffy: Not that I don't like Spaniards.
Spike: Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
Willow: We don't wanna fight anyone.
Buffy: I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
Spike: [laughs] Yeah... Good luck.
Willow: Well, if we could talk to him...
Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
Xander: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... some of that made sense.

Xander: [to himself, imitating Cordelia] "I love when you talk, Wesley. I love when you *sing*, Wesley." Can you say the words "jail bait," Wesley? Limey bastard.

Wendell: [about his spiders] I had the best collection in the tri-county area. I has browns and tarantulas and black widows... Then my folks ship me off to Wilderness Camp. All my brother had to do was maintain the habitats. Instead, he left the heat lamp on for a *week*. When I came home, they were all dead. That's when the nightmares started.
Willow: The nightmares?
Wendell: It's always the same. I'm sitting in classroom. The teacher asks me to read something. I open up my book, and there they are... They're coming after me... God, can you blame them after what I did?
Xander: That's how it happens, every time?
Wendell: Yesterday in class, I thought I had just nodded off again... but then everyone else started screaming too.

Buffy: You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that?
Xander: No, but this dude was completely different than Praying Mantis Lady. He was a man *of* bugs, not a man who was a bug.

Xander: Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here.

Willow: [reading Marcie Ross' yearbook] "Have a nice summer." "Have a nice summer." This girl had no friends at all.
Rupert: Uh, once again, I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap.
Buffy: "Have a nice summer" is what you write when you have nothing to say.
Xander: It's the kiss of death.

Willow: Buffy, that is my best friend, you need to think about not Parker. He's no good. There are men, *better* men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
Xander: Pfft.
[loudly]
Xander: Nothing can defeat the penis!
[Willow and Buffy stare at him]
Xander: Too loud. Very unseemly.

Cordelia: Somebody is after me! They just tried to kill Ms. Miller, uh, she was helping me with my homework... and Mitch and Harmony. This is all about me! Me, me, me!
Xander: Wow! For once she's right.
Buffy: So you've come to *me* for help.
Cordelia: [nods] Because... you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons. I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.

Xander: Come on. It'll be fun.
Cordelia: I don't know. I just thought we were gonna do something, you know, classy?
Xander: What's classier than bowling?
Cordelia: Apart from everything ever? Let's see...

[last lines]
Willow: The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?
Buffy: It doesn't say anything about you.
Willow: I mean, I thought, I was really falling...
Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I moved here turned out to be a vampire.
Xander: Right. And the teacher I had a crush on: giant praying mantis.
Willow: [smiling] That's true.
Xander: Yeah, it's life on the Hellmouth.
Buffy: Let's face it. None of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander: We're doomed.
Willow: Yeah.
[the three of them laugh half-hardheartedly, but eventually stop, wondering if that is actually true]

Vamp: So you're a Watcher, huh...? Watch this.
[bites Cordelia]

Xander: [to Willow] You gotta get her back. Looks like it's spell'o'clock.

Willow: Did you find out anything about the scythe?
Buffy: It slices, dices, and makes julienne preacher.
Rupert: Caleb?
Buffy: I cut him in half.
Willow: All right!
Anya: He had that coming.
Xander: Hey, party in my eye socket, and everyone's invited.
[everyone stares at Xander]
Xander: Sometimes I shouldn't say words.

[playing Dungeon's and Dragons]
Rupert: How could it possibly get uglier? I used to be a highly respected Watcher, and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily. I just wish I could sleep.
Dawn: What kind of person could sleep on a night like this?
Xander: [strokes the sleeping Anya's head] Only the crazy ones.

Willow: I'm kinda curious to find out what sort of career I could have.
Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
Willow: We're not gonna be young forever.
Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid.

[first lines]
Xander: [reading] "Are you a people person or do you prefer keeping your own company?" Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?
Buffy: So, mark "none of the above."

Mike: This whole night we've been worrying... there's some dark version of us out there somewhere. What if we're the dark version?

Xander: Harvard... Yale... Wesleyan... some German polytechnical institute whose name I, uh... I can't pronounce. Is anyone else intimidated? Because I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words "No Way" written in crayon.
Oz: They're typing those now.

Xander: We're still talkin' party, right? I mean, some of us still love to relish celebrating in the birth of the Buff. We're still talkin' party, right? I mean, some of us still love to relish celebrating in the birth of the Buff.
Buffy: Oh, no, no. I think it might be time to put a moratorium on parties in my honor. They tend to go badly. Monsters crash. People die.

Rupert: I don't know how many more ways I can say I'm not interested.
Xander: Well, try one! Check these flavors: Cherry-Berry, Maple Walnut, ooh, Almond Licorice.
Anya: Ew.
Xander: Anya, we don't say "ew" in front of potential customers.
Anya: Just skip this part and tell him you want money to buy me pretty things. He'll understand.
Rupert: [sighis] Very well. Um, Maple Walnut.
Xander: An excellent choice.
Rupert: [Giles takes a bite, then looks disgusted] Please leave my home now.
Xander: It's the, uh, the gritty texture, isn't it? Maybe you're more of a Cherry-Berry fellow.

Buffy: You guys don't have to get involved.
Xander: What do you mean? We're a team. Aren't we a team?
Willow: Yeah. You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes.

Buffy: [after he asks her out to the dance] Xander, you're one of my best friends. You and Willow.
Xander: Well, Willow's not looking to date you. Or if she is, she's playing it pretty close to the chest.

Xander: How's your face?
[he gives Andrew a glass of water]
Andrew: Ok.
Xander: [starts untying him] Sorry about that. She shouldn't have hit you.
[hands him the glass of water]
Xander: Thirsty? Go on.
Andrew: [Andrew sniffs the water] That chick's psycho.
[he drinks from it]
Xander: You don't know the half of it. She's a vengeance demon, you know.
[sits in chair]
Xander: She's bad news.
Andrew: This one time I saw her having sex with Spike.
Xander: She's killed more men than smallpox.
Andrew: Does smallpox still kill people?
Xander: She's killed a lot of men. She tortures them. Anyone who incurs her wrath. One time she-
[pats his arm, leans back]
Xander: No, never mind.
Andrew: What?
Xander: It's not important.
Andrew: What'd she do?
Xander: [leans forward] Well, there was this one guy-there was this one guy, he, uh, he hurt her real bad, so she paid him back. She killed him, but she did it real slow. See first she stopped his heart, then she replaced it with darkness, then she made him live his life like that. But he still had to go do his job and see his friends and wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, but he had to do it all empty. Without anything to look forward to. Ever.
Andrew: Sounds bad.
Xander: Well, then she tore out his intestines and rubbed it in his face and took pictures of it.
Andrew: Oh, God.
Xander: But she's downstairs now. Don't worry about her.
Andrew: What if...
Xander: See, the thing is, we've all been a little on edge lately. Some bad things have been happening, and the girls-they're all looking for someone to blame.
Andrew: I didn't do anything...
Anya: [from the hallway] You lying son of a bitch!
[storms into the room and storms toward Andrew]
Anya: You're gonna tell us what we need to know, and you're gonna tell us right now!
[Andrew who is tied to the chair falls over]
Xander: Anya no!
Andrew: Stop it!
[Xander pulls Anya of Andrew]
Anya: Get off me, Harris!
[slaps Xander, she mouths the words "I'm sorry" to him, turns back to Andrew]
Anya: C'mere, you pipsqueak!
[shakes Andrew's shoulders against the floor]
Andrew: Get her off me! I'll tell you! I'll tell you what you need to know!

Xander: Amy. Good to see you. You're a witch.
Amy: No, I'm not. That-that was my mom, remember?
Xander: Yeah. I'm thinkin' it runs in the family. I saw you working that mojo on Miss Beakman. Maybe I should go tell somebody.
Amy: Wha... That's not even... That is so mean!
Xander: Blackmail is such an ugly word.
Amy: I didn't say blackmail.
Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.

Xander: An, that was Buffy. She's working late, so I might have to go-
[turns]
Xander: *Yike*!
Halfrek: I have been called, and vengeance shall I wreak. Cower, masculine one. Tremble as you face my wrath.
Anya: [entering] Xander, I'm starting to think that maybe we should do a potluck thing.
Xander: Honey.
[Anya notices Halfrek and gasps]
Xander: Hello. I am here to tear this man apart. How many pieces do you wish?
Anya: Halfrek!
Halfrek: Anyanka? Oh, my God!
[laughs]
Anya: Hi!
[hugs Halfrek]
Halfrek: Hi! How are you? How are you?
Xander: You two... You know each other?
Anya: Funny, Halfrek. I didn't summon you to kill Xander. I called to invite you to our wedding.
Halfrek: You- Oh, my- What an embarrassing mistake.

Willow: We have to figure out how to kill this thing and we need to do it fast.
Xander: Uh... hot lava.
Willow: That's for a heretic.
Xander: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh... Ooh-ooh! Bury a potato... No, that's for warts. Who *writes* this stuff?
Cordelia: I've got the solution right here.
[reading]
Cordelia: "To kill a demon... cut off its head."
Xander: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah. We'll, uh, find Ms. Calendar, then we'll decapitate her. Hey, she'll be the first headless computer teacher in school. You think anybody'll notice?
Cordelia: Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year's supply of acne cream? A brain.
Xander: That's it! Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'! I don't care if you're a girl or not. I'm throwin' down! Come on!
Cordelia: I've seen you fight. And don't think I can't take you!
Cordelia: Give it your best shot.
Willow: [yelling] *Hey*! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble. Now, we have to put our heads together and-and get them out of it! And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!
Cordelia: We're sorry.
Xander: We'll be good.

Buffy: How's your guy?
Anya: The weasel wants to sing. He just needs a tune.
Xander: He's primed. I'll be pumping him in no time.
[everyone looks at him]
Xander: He'll give us information soon.

Xander: Yeah, for a minute there I thought you were gonna make an expression.
Oz: Well, I felt one comin' on. I won't lie.

Anya: You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die. And-And you think it's romantic and sexy and-and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it 'cause the world's gonna end.
Xander: I'm proposing to you, Anya, because it's not.

[first lines]
Willow: Okay, um...
Xander: It's your turn.
Willow: Umm, uh, okay, Uh... "In the few hours that we had together, we loved a lifetime's worth."
Xander: Terminator.
Willow: Good! Right.
Xander: Um, oh, okay, I got one. "It's a madhouse. A mad..."
Willow: Planet of the Apes.
Xander: Can I finish, please?
Willow: Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
Xander: "... house!"
Willow: Planet of the Apes.

Willow: I'll say this for the Y chromosome. Looks good in a tux.
Xander: Well, your double X's don't look too bad there, either.

[in Willow's dream]
Xander: So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells?
[to Oz]
Xander: She does spells with Tara.
Oz: Yeah, I heard about that.
Willow: I'm gonna be late.
[leaves]
Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doin' a spell... and then I do a spell by myself.

Xander: [singing] It could be witches / Some evil witches / Which is ridiculous / 'Cause witches they were persecuted / Wicca good and love the earth / And women power and I'll be over here.

Xander: Okay, this is really starting to grate my cheese. These woods aren't that big. Now, I know we've been going straight because I've been following the North Star.
Willow: Xander, that's not the North Star. It's an airplane.

[his reaction to Buffy's "parental issues"]
Xander: What? Freud would have said the exact same thing. Except... he might not have done that little dance.

Riley: Getting nostalgic?
Xander: I don't know. At first, it's just a place. And then you start to make memories, and then you're like... that's where Spike slept, and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the Sepavro demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out... I really hate this place.

Rupert: [looking at a book] Oh, there you are.
Jenny: There who is?
Rupert: Our new friend Spike. He's known as William the Bloody. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very pleasant. Oh, here's some good news. He's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is... Oh.
Xander: That's a bad look, right?
Rupert: I think your suggestion of running away this Saturday might have been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century, and... he's killed them both.

Willow: Xander, what happened to you?
Xander: You know how some people hate to say I told you so? Not me. I told you so. Angel's back, in the really bad sense. And, um... I told you so.

Rupert: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's-it's... it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.
Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive, no matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid. It is just something he's gonna have to live with.
Xander: He can't live with it, Buff... He's dead.
[Buffy leaves the room]
Cordelia: Okay. Over-identify much?

Anya: [pottering about the Magic Box] Do you think we should set up lots of candles for Buffy's party tomorrow?
Xander: Not if they're that horrible slug kind you keep trying to unload.
Anya: I don't know why people get so turned off by slug.
Xander: Honey, *slugs* get turned off by slug.

Buffy: Riley... I'm not leaving him down there with the people that created this thing. I don't care how many guns they have, I'm going in. Okay... Wil, I need you to hack into the security mainframe and buy me a 10-minute shutdown of operation systems.
Willow: That could be...
Buffy: Tricky, not impossible. If you can't do it on-line, then use magic. Xander, any gear you've been saving for a rainy day I want you to give to me.
Xander: You want stealthy stuff?
Buffy: No, we tried sneaking in. This time I'm gonna use force. I figure I'll go in through the elevator shaft and use the cable as tow lines, then blast open the facility doors and find the infirmary.
Riley: [suddenly in the room] Am I really worth all that?

Buffy: [about Riley] I mean, I thought he was... dependable.
Xander: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?

Tara: Yeah. You learn her source and, uh, we'll introduce her to her insect reflection.
[everyone stares blankly]
Tara: Um, th-that was funny if you, um, if you studied Taglarin mythic rites... and are a complete dork.
Riley: Huh. Then how come Xander didn't laugh?
Xander: I don't know that Taglarin stuff.

Xander: Anya can handle herself.
Buffy: Against Willow? Tonight? Don't be too sure.
Xander: Well, she should be coming down at some point, shouldn't she? I mean, back there, she was out of her head, running on grief and magics.
Buffy: Doesn't matter, Willow just killed someone. Killing people changes you. Believe me, I know.
Xander: Warren was a cold-blooded killer of women just warming up. You ask me, the bastard had it coming to him.
Buffy: Maybe. Andrew and Jonathan don't.

Xander: There is no way I'm getting out of this school alive.
Cordelia: Well, you've really mastered the power of positive giving up.
Xander: I've been lucky too many times. My number's coming up. And I was short! One more rotation, and I'm shipping stateside. You know what I mean?
Cordelia: Seldom if ever.

Old: I'm you. I'm you from the future.
Xander: Oh, from the future! For a minute I thought you were a nut ball, but now that you're from the future...
Old: Please. Please, listen to me.

Hugh: Yeah, we're in a different reality because the reality where I am from, my best friend didn't sleep with my wife.
Mike: Hugh, do you not understand what I'm saying? This all started tonight, and if there are a million different realities, I have slept with your wife in every one of them.

[Andrew is videotaping the morning's activities in the Summers kitchen]
Andrew: It's morning in Sunnydale, and the women of Command Central take the time to fortify themselves for the day ahead.
Xander: Hey!
Andrew: Women and Xander. Hey, I'm gonna do your special intro later. "The man who is the heart of the Slayer Machine."
Xander: [pleased] Yeah? The heart?
Andrew: Things are tense in Command Central this morning. Buffy is clearly concerned with some unknown danger, and the air is filled with foreboding.
Dawn: Oh, um, w-we're out of Raisin Bran.
Anya: I'll put it on the list.
Andrew: That's probably not the unknown danger.

Buffy: If this place is a trap, we give the signal, you guys come in, guns a-blazing.
Xander: So, what's the signal?
Buffy: I'm thinkin' lots and lots of yelling.

Xander: So, Cor, you're datin' college guys, now?
Cordelia: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I happen to be dating a Delta Zeta Kappa.
Xander: Oh, an extra-terrestrial. So that's how you get a date after you exhausted all the human guys.

Rupert: I fear the demon that Buffy met in the woods has somehow possessed her.
Buffy: Lite FM. Love songs. Nothing but love songs!
Xander: You think?

Xander: [to Angel] Well, it's just good to know that when the chips are down and things look grim, you'll feed off the girl who loves you to save your own ass.

Xander: Hey, I happen to be...
Spike: A glorified bricklayer?
Xander: I'm also a swell bowler.
Anya: Has his own shoes.
Spike: The gods themselves do tremble.

Willow: We didn't want to know. We were so selfish. I was so selfish.
Xander: Maybe we were. I just feel weird feeling bad that my friend's not dead. It's too mind-boggling. So I've decided to simplify the whole thing. Me like Buffy. Buffy's alive, so me glad.

Xander: Did you know that... Ben is Glory?
Buffy: So I'm told. What do we know?
Rupert: Um, well, uh, according to these scrolls, uh, it's possible for Glory to be stopped. I-I'm afraid it's, um, well, Buffy, I've read these things very carefully and there's not much margin for error... You understand what I'm saying?
Buffy: Might help if you actually said it.

Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna *make* a girl?
Xander: You mean, when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around?

[discussing an eviscerated demon they found in the woods]
Buffy: I've never seen anything like that.
Xander: And I can go a long healthy stretch without seeing anything like that again.
Willow: It had to be Adam who killed it, but why?
Buffy: He's studying biology. Human, demon, whatever he can get his hands on and tear apart.
Willow: Learning what makes things work.
Xander: I really don't wanna be around for the final exam.
Buffy: It's not coming to that. The Initiative created this thing, and they can't stop it. But we will.
Xander: Question. Will hiding in a cabin with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?
Buffy: No.
Xander: [to Willow] Told you.

Buffy: This trigger. How do we holster, safety, or, I don't know guns. How do we make it stop?
Xander: Well, usually the operative completes his task and either blows his head off or steals a submarine.

Rupert: Buffy's quit the Council... She'll not be working with Wesley from now on.
Cordelia: But he's her Watcher.
Rupert: Buffy no longer needs a Watcher. She'll not be working with Wesley from now on.
Cordelia: But he is her Watcher.
Xander: Buffy no longer needs a Watcher.
Cordelia: Well, does he have to leave the country? I mean, you got fired, and you still hang around like a big loser. Why can't he?
Xander: Cordelia! We're trying to stop a massacre here. Wanna give us a hand?
Cordelia: Sure... This is just *such* a Buffy thing to do. She's always thinking of herself.

Xander: [in the cafeteria] So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go? No, I don't mean that either.

Xander: It's dead.
Buffy: Yup.
Willow: Is anyone else waiting for it to go poof? Maybe we can cover it with flowers.

Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me.

Xander: Blood? Yes, yes! I will serve you, your Excellent Spookiness.
[Dracula frowns]
Xander: Or Master. I'll just stick with Master.

[last lines]
Rupert: We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the Earth and its total destruction.
Buffy: Well, I got to look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
Xander: Oh, yeah. That's a plan, 'cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, you know, like excessive not studying.
Rupert: The Earth is doomed.

Xander: [to bug man] Hey, Larva Boy... Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to you, you big cootie!

Penelope: [picks up a phone] If this is a sales call on a Sunday morning...
Jennifer: Settle. It's me, JJ. I tried your cell. Listen, something's come up. You need to get down to the office pronto.
Penelope: Oh, you are kidding.
Jennifer: I know. I wish psychopathic killers would be a little more respectful of our weekends, too, but what are you gonna do? Is everything okay?
Penelope: No. Kevin and I got in a fight last night, and to self-soothe, I drank a lot of wine, and, JJ, you know I can't drink wine. Why did I drink so much wine?
Jennifer: You'll be fine.
Penelope: No, I don't know. 'Cause right now, everything is blurring. Oh, my God. My hair hurts. How is that possible? He's coming out of the shower. I hate confrontation. It was such a fight. I hate confrontation.
Jennifer: Then don't confront. Just kiss, make up, and get your butt over here.
Penelope: [ding-dong] What is this, Grand Central Station?
[knock, knock]
Penelope: Oh, God.
[opens the door to find...]
Penelope: Kevin.
Kevin: I am so sorry about last night. I should not have stormed out like that.
Penelope: You stormed out?
Kevin: Yeah.
Penelope: You stormed out all last night?
Kevin: Yeah. What's...
[Garcia closes the door and sees Morgan]
Derek: Hey. You see we gotta go in, right?
Penelope: Yes. Yes. JJ just called me, too. Let's go. My things. This is mine and this is mine and this is yours. This is mine. See you there.
[opens the door, to Kevin]
Penelope: Hey, let's go.

Xander: How are you?
Buffy: My sister's about to go to the same high school that tried to kill me for three years, I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what could possibly come out of there. So, peachy with a side of keen. That would be me.

Kevin: Just the guy I'm looking for.
Derek: Hey, what's up, Kevin?
Kevin: Can we talk?
Derek: Is Penelope okay?
Kevin: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's perfect. In fact, that's why I'm here. Look, I know you're Penelope's boo and she's your baby girl. And what I'm about to embark on involves the keen insight of somebody who knows her inside and out. And no matter how much therapy I've gone through trying to understand your relationship, I know you're that person.
Derek: Okay, Kevin, land your plane.
Kevin: I want to propose to Penelope, and I need your help. Please, I'm not asking for your blessing, I'm asking for your advice. Okay, should I do it over a couple tacos and a nice can of Red Bull? All right. Should I take her to New York and do it at the Statue of Liberty? Maybe, I should serenade her at the round table right before you guys present a case. No, actually, that may not work, given the gruesome nature of your job. How about the high tech room, and I... and I pop up on an HD mainframe?
Derek: Kevin, seriously, I got a meeting I gotta get to.
Kevin: Derek, please. Come on, bro, this is important.
Penelope: [Morgan comes into the meeting room] Hi, yeah, what was that about?
Derek: You know, he just wanted to talk.
Penelope: About what?
Derek: Just guy stuff.
Penelope: Me?
Derek: I didn't say that.
Aaron: Garcia, I'd like to get started.

Willow: How'd it go?
Xander: On a scale of 1 to 10? It sucked.

Rupert: You have no idea where they took Jesse?
Buffy: I looked around, but soon as they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom.
Xander: They can fly?
Buffy: They can drive.

Xander: [about Jonathan] So, we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?
Giles: Yes.
Xander: That is so cool.

Xander: Oh, no.
Willow: What?
Xander: No. How could we- So *stupid*!
Willow: Xander!
Xander: Our spell... Our resurrection spell worked like a magic charm. We brought you back to life, Buffy. Right where we left her.
Willow: Oh, God.
Xander: In her coffin.

Kevin: I'm so happy you're all right.
Penelope: What are you doing here? It isn't safe.
Kevin: I didn't want you to be alone.
Penelope: I'm not. You know, they separate the President and the Vice President at times like this.
Kevin: And you comparing us to POTUS?
Penelope: I'm saying that you should be at Quantico running point.
Kevin: Well, I'm here right now. What can I do?
Penelope: Okay, I need to analyze every frame of this video.

Rupert: It's the end of the world.
Buffy: *Again*?

Rupert: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
Xander: Then why would they make you see me?
Rupert: Oh, right. Let's go.

Kennedy: What's that sound?
Xander: Okay, so far, so creepy.

Rupert: Is everyone alright?
Cordelia: Super. I kicked a guy.
Jenny: We're okay.
Xander: Dead guy here interrupted our tutorial.
[to dead guy]
Xander: Been meaning to thank you for that.

[flicks lighter]
Xander: Rough day...? Come on, Buff. Be a lonely drunk...
[flicks lighter again]
Xander: Rough day?
Buffy: Stop flicking at me.
Xander: Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your college-y life. No more looking down on the townie.

Xander: This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but where did they put his head?
Willow: Good point. I didn't want to hear that.

[Spike has kidnapped Willow and Xander]
Willow: He-he wants me to do a love spell.
Xander: What?
Willow: Drusilla broke up with him.
Xander: Gee, and we had all hoped those crazy kids would make it work.

Willow: Goody! Research party!
Xander: Will, you need a life in the worst way.

Larry: [regarding Buffy] I heard some guy say she was fast.
Xander: I hope you mean like the wind.
Larry: You know what I mean.

Xander: But... it's just that it's bugging me... this "cool" thing. I mean, what is it...? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it. And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool?
Oz: Not sure.
Xander: I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
Oz: Am I?
Xander: Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?
Oz: Could be.

Xander: He killed a person and killed himself. Those are pretty much two of the dumbest things you could do.
Willow: I know, but... Well, don't you feel kind of bad for them?
Buffy: Sure I feel lousy. For her. He's a murderer and he should pay for it.
Willow: With his life?
Buffy: No, he should be doing sixty years in a prison, breaking rocks and making special friends with Roscoe the weightlifter.
Xander: Yikes! The quality of mercy is not Buffy.

Xander: So where were you? Did you go to Belgium?
Buffy: Why would I go to Belgium?
Xander: I think the relevant question is why wouldn't ya? Belgium!

Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
Xander: For twenty-one hours?
Willow: It's addictive, you know.
Rupert: We'll deal with that when we've ruled out evil curses.
Buffy: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying.

Xander: That's it. It's been four hours. I'm callin' it, people. This coffee table, it's gone. Damn it!

[rebuttal to Warren's pick-up lines]
Xander: See now, I think it's the daddy thing that's throwin' her. 'Cause incest? Not that sexy.

Xander: Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey.
Buffy: Check. No more butt monkey.

Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the band-wagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying "I told you so" long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend I say, "Faster, pussycat. Kill, kill."

[Buffy, Spike and Xander enter the house to find the Scoobies waiting up for them. Xander's shirt is wrapped around his waist as a surrogate bandage]
Willow: What happened?
Xander: What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me. I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on. Let's gay.
Willow: What?
Xander: You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I-I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?
Andrew: [sighs] Captain Archer...
Xander: Come on. Let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.
Buffy: What if you just start attracting male demons?
Dawn: [chuckles] Clem always liked you.

Mike: If we're collapsing right now, I'm gonna collapse on them. I'm not gonna wait for them to collapse on us.
Hugh: Whoa, whoa, Mike.
Mike: I'll go over there and I'll just kill 'em.

Rupert: This world is older than any of you know. Contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons, demons walked the Earth. They made it their home, their, uh... their hell. But in time, they lost their purchase on this reality, and the way was made for mortal animals, for-for man. All that remains of the old ones are vestiges, certain magicks, certain creatures.
Buffy: And vampires.
Xander: Okay, this is where I have a problem. See, because we're talking about vampires. We're having a *talk* with vampires in it.
Willow: Isn't that what we saw last night?

Buffy: I better stop him before he gets in trouble.
Willow: I got it. The non-violent approach is probably better here.
[leaves]
Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander: The important thing is... *you* believe that.

[after a vampire Andy Hoelich escapes them]
Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
Xander: That's right, he was.
[shouts to the retreating vampire]
Xander: Cheater!

Buffy: [on phone] Thank you. I'll let you know.
[hangs up]
Giles: What is it?
Buffy: It's Faith... She's awake... She beat someone up, took her clothing and disappeared out of the hospital. No one knows where she is.
Xander: I'd say this qualifies for a worse timing ever award.
Willow: What do we do?
Giles: Well, we have to find her.
Willow: What about Adam?
Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic.
Buffy: Well, Faith's not exactly Low-Profile Girl. I'll patrol and wait for her to make a move.
Giles: And then what?
Willow: Oh, I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her.
[grins]
Xander: Good plan.
Buffy: Good on paper, but we still have a decision to make... Do we hand her over to the cops? They wouldn't know what to do with a Slayer even if they knew we existed.
Willow: What about the Council?
Xander: Been there, tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm, as I recall.
Giles: Well, the Initiative, they do have, uh, containment facilities.
Xander: One word. Evil.
Buffy: There's no way around it. Faith is back and, whether I like it or not, she's my responsibility.
Willow: Yeah. Too bad. That was the funnest coma ever.
Buffy: We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling.
Xander: Who she's doing.
Buffy: She could be terrified. Maybe she doesn't even remember. Or-Or maybe she does and-and she's sorry and she's alone, hiding somewhere?
Giles: Well, uh, perhaps there's some form of, uh, rehabilitation we just haven't thought about.
Willow: And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid Plan "B."
Buffy: I'm not gonna rule it out. First thing, we need to find her. Then we can take it from there.
Riley: Who's Faith?

Xander: You know, Spike definitely seems a little more cogent, and less "bl-bl-bl-bl-bl."

Xander: As in burnt up? Somebody set people on fire? That's nuts.
Anya: I don't know. One more verse of our little ditty and I would've been looking for a gas can.
Rupert: Well, clearly, emotions are running high. But, uh, as far as I can tell, these people burnt up from the inside. They spontaneously combusted. I've only seen the one. I was able to examine the body while the police were taking witness arias.

[last lines]
[Warren running away after shooting at Buffy and Xander and some wild shots that went into the house]
Xander: Sweet fancy Moses! Where the hell did he...
[sees Buffy laying on the ground, bleeding]
Xander: Oh, God.
[cut to Willow, upstairs where Tara is dead]
Willow: [crying] Tara? Baby? Baby, come on! Get up!
[cut back to Xander, trying to stop bleeding]
Xander: Oh, God. Buffy? Buffy...? Buffy?
[cut back to Willow]
Willow: No! No! No!

Spike: This is gonna be worth it.
[slaps Xander on the back of the head]
Spike,3546: Ow!
Spike: Last time. From the top.

Xander: A black eye heals, Buffy, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life.

Spike: [about Buffy] She's upset about her mum. And if she turns to me for comfort, well, I'm not gonna deny it to her. I'm not a monster.
Xander: Yes, you are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them.
Spike: Well, yeah, you got me there.

[first lines]
Cordelia: I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal. No one ever listens to me, lone fashionable wolf.
Xander: I like the maroon. Has more dignity.
Cordelia: Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion.

[after a long first day, the last customer leaves the Magic Box causing the bell to ring]
Rupert: Would someone *please* rip that bloody bell off its hinges?
Xander: Would that involve moving?
Willow: My feet are numb.
Xander: I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower-back pain.
Rupert: I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Just seemed so much simpler.

Mike: Let's have a drink.

Xander: We got company.
- And they brought a crusade.
- -[glass shattering]
- -Yeah!
- -Willow!
- -I'm working on it!

Anya: [to Buffy about Spike] What's the status with your guy?
Buffy: He's not talking yet. We'll get there.
Buffy: [to Xander and Anya about Andrew] How's your guy?
Anya: The weasel wants to sing. He just needs a tune.
Xander: He's primed. I'll be pumping him in no time.
[Short, awkward pause while Buffy and Anya stare at Xander]
Xander: He'll give us information soon.

Joyce: You now what? That's it. You and I are gonna have a talk.
Buffy: Mom, please.
Joyce: You know what? I don't care! I don't care what your friends think of me or you for that matter, because you put me through the ringer, Buffy. I mean it. And I've had schnapps. Do you have any idea what it's been like?
Buffy: Mom, this isn't the place...
Joyce: You can't imagine months of not knowing, not knowing whether you're lying dead in a ditch somewhere or, I don't know, living it up!
Buffy: But you told me! You're the one who said I should go! You said if I leave this house, don't come back! You found out who I really was and you couldn't deal! Don't you remember?
Joyce: [more angry] Buffy, you didn't give me time! You just dump this thing on me and you expected me to get it? Well, guess what. Mom's not perfect, okay? I handled it badly! But that doesn't give you the right to punish me by running away!
Buffy: Punish you? I didn't do this to punish you.
Xander: Well, you did. You should've seen what you put her through.
Buffy: Great. Thanks. Anybody else want to weigh in here? How about you by the dip?
Jonathan: No, thanks... I'm good.
Xander: You know, maybe you don't want to hear it, Buffy... but taking off like you did was incredibly selfish and stupid!
Buffy: Okay. Okay! I screwed up! I know this! But you have no idea! You have... you have no idea what happened to me or what I was feeling!
Xander: Did you even try talking to anybody?
Buffy: No. There was nothing anybody could do. Okay? I just had to deal with this on my own!
Xander: Yeah, and you see how well that one worked out. You can't just bury stuff, Buffy. It'll come right back up to get you.

[worried about the blind servants of The First Evil]
Dawn: What if they saw the spell?
Xander: Saw the spell? Dawn, they can't see flashcards. Big ones.

Xander: Finding out who this thing is takes priority. Cordy, you should go with Giles.
Rupert: Why do I have to have...
[at look from her]
Rupert: ... Erm, good thinking.

Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed.
Xander: I think you mean *oppressed*.
Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads!" Uh. That's fair! And Marie Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake.

Willow: We should move her. Un-Unless we shouldn't. Should we?
Anya: Couldn't that make it worse? I think I read that somewhere.
Xander: I am so large with *not* knowing.

[confronting his nightmare clown]
Xander: You were a lousy clown. Your balloon animals were pathetic. Everyone can make a giraffe.

Xander: And the glorified bricklayer picks up a spare.

[last lines]
[Angel is walking up to the table from behind Xander]
Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?
[Angel reaches Xander's side]
Xander: Hey, man, how ya doin'?
Angel: Buffy.
Buffy: Angel.
Xander: Xander.
Angel: I hear this place, uh, serves coffee. I thought maybe you and I should get some... sometime. If you want.
Buffy: Yeah. Sometime... I'll let you know.

Xander: Can I have you?... Duh... Can I *help* you?

Ampata: You are strange.
Xander: Girls always tell me that... right before they run away.

[about Giles' singing]
Tara: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.

Xander: Typical museum trick. Promise human sacrifice. Deliver old pots and pans.

Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
Cordelia: What's the difference?
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings. Shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage, and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Xander: Well, I hate brie.
Cordelia: I know. It smells like Giles' cat.
Rupert: It's not my...

Anya: Will you still make me waffles when we're married?
Xander: No, I'll only make them for myself, but, by California law, you will own half of 'em.

Anya: Come on. Let's go assemble the cannon fodder.
Xander: That's not what we're calling 'em, sweetie.
Anya: Not to their faces. What, am I insensitive?

[first lines]
Willow: This is a nightmare. This is... My world is spinning.
Xander: It's not that bad, Willow, really.
Willow: 740, verbal? I'm pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus, the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
Xander: That's right. And the fact that you 740, verbal closely resembles my combined scores in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.

Xander: It happens that I'm good at a lot of things. I help out with all kinds of... stuff. I have skills and... stratagems, I'm very... Help me out.
Anya: He's a Viking in the sack.

[first lines]
Willow: She's at home. She has to be. We just need to get there, and she'll be there.
Tara: This is the fastest way?
Xander: Absolutely.
Tara: You sure?
Xander: Hey, I've done a lot of fleeing on these mean streets. I know all the shortcuts.

Xander: You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.

[Oz is setting up a sound system and he tilts his head and grimaces]
Xander: Sensing a disturbance in the force, master?
Oz: No, left speaker's crackin' a little bit.
[pulls out a knife]
Xander: And you feel stabbing it's the proper solution?

Rupert: Um... I need you to take Spike for a few days.
Xander: What?
Spike: What?
Anya: What?
Spike: I'm not stayin' with him.
Rupert: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Rupert: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could've said.

[first lines]
Xander: [to Paramedic] She's in the back. This way.

Xander: Check it out. The Watcher's back on the clock. And just when you're thinking career change, maybe becoming a... a looker or a... a seer.

Buffy: You're sure it was a werewolf?
Xander: Well, let's see, um, six feet tall, claws, a big old snout in the middle of his face, like a wolf. Um, yeah, I'm stickin' with my first guess.

Laurie: Em, you seem to be the comet expert here. What happened the last time?
Em: This one passed over a hundred years ago, but much farther.
Laurie: But do we know about anything that happened?
Em: Nothing happened then, it was too far away.
Laurie: So, is there any reason we should be freaked out right now?
Em: Well, I mean, it is a lot closer this time.
Laurie: What does that mean?
Em: Okay. I read one more thing...
Lee: Oh, another story!
Em: Just one more. It's called the Tunguska Event, and, um, it was a comet or a meteor or something like that, that entered the atmosphere over Siberia and exploded over Earth. So it didn't actually have physical impact. It didn't touch Earth, it didn't leave a crater or anything, but the force of that explosion flattened trees for hundreds of miles. But it only killed about one to two people.
Laurie: It's Siberia. There were probably only two people there.
Em: Yeah, but they don't necessarily...
Mike: [jokingly] It wiped out the population of Siberia.
Laurie: Basically, yeah.
Em: Right.
Laurie: Well, that doesn't make me feel better.
Kevin: And when was this?
Em: It was like, in 1908, 1903...
[Suddenly they hear someone banging on the door and get startled]

Xander: Come on, Cordelia. If you wanna be a member of the Scooby Gang, you gotta be willing to be inconvenienced every now and then.

Xander: I wasn't scared, I was in the spirit.
Willow: And we back ya up on that... even if they question us separately.

Anya: I did not.
Xander: Last night, with me, you said "Jonathan."
Anya: It was a *moan*.
Xander: Fine, you moaned Jonathan.
Anya: Uh-uh. It was like, "a-a-a-ahh."
Xander: Maybe it was "A-a-anathan." Still not fluffin' up the old ego.

Spike: So, uh, Buffy took some time off right in the middle of the apocalypse and it was her decision.
Xander: Well, we all decided.
Spike: Oh yeah. *You* all decided.
[chuckles]
Spike: You sad, sad, ungrateful traitors! Who do you think you are?
Willow: We're her friends. We just wanted...
Spike: Oh, that's ballsy of you! You're her *friends* and you betray her like this.
Rupert: Uh, you don't understand.
Spike: You know, I think I do... Rupert. You used to be the big man, didn't you. The teacher, all full of wisdom. Now she's *surpassed* you, and you can't handle it. She has saved your lives again and again. She has *died* for you, and this is how you thank her.

Xander: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um... Slayer Kryptonite.
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander: You're assuming I meant the green Kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red Kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers.
Oz: Wrong. The gold Kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red Kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird...
Buffy: Guys...? Reality.

Xander: You think we haven't all seen this before? The part where you just cut us all out, just step away from everything human and act like you're the law? If you knew what I felt...
Buffy: I killed Angel...! Do you even remember that? I would've given up everything I had to be with... I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life... and I put a sword through his heart because I had to.
Willow: And that all worked out okay.
Buffy: Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you? Do you remember giving me Willow's message? "Kick his ass."
Willow: I never said that...
Xander: This is different.
Buffy: It is always different! It's always complicated. And, at some point, someone has to draw the line and that is *always* going to be me. You-You get down on me for cutting myself off, but, in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guide book, no all-knowing Council. Human rules *don't* apply... There's only me. I am the law.
Xander: There has to be another way.
Buffy: Then please find it.

[Xander is swatting at a light moving around him while lost in the woods with Willow]
Willow: Xander, it's not a bug... It's Tara. Come on.
Xander: And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinker Bell?

Buffy: Spike's in love with me.
[Xander starts laughing]
Buffy: I'm not joking.
Xander: Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true.

[Buffy is invisible]
Xander: Uh, sorry! Her clothes are, uh, invisible... too. Buffy, how did this hap... Wait a sec. Have you been feeling ignored lately?
Buffy: Yeah, ignored. I wish. No, this isn't a Marcie deal. I don't know what happened. I left Main Street after getting my hair cut and was...
Anya: You cut your hair?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Anya: Really? How short?
Buffy: Um, about up to here. Well-Well, if you could see my hand, it's kind of above my shoulders.
Anya: Ahh, that sounds so adorable. I was thinking about getting my hair cut before the wedding.
Xander: Can we get back to freaking out about no-show Buffy? This is serious.

Cordelia: Has any girl ever spoken to you of her own free will? I don't think so.
Xander: You know I've often wondered why that is.
Cordelia: Got a mirror?
[Cordy walks away]
Xander: Check back tomorrow, I'll have that devastating comeback ready.

Willow: Well, maybe we should all talk to Faith together.
Buffy: You mean, like that intervention thing that you guys did on me? As I recall, Xander and I nearly came to blows.
Xander: You nearly came to blows, Buffy. I nearly came to loss of limbs.

Riley: Talk to me, Forrest.
Forrest: Signal's somewhere in this neighborhood. Estimate within a two-block radius.
[in his apartment, Giles is digging into Spike's wound with the tweezers while Anya holds the flashlight for him]
Willow: It feels and looks like the ionizing spell is wearing off.
Xander: Giles?
Rupert: Uh, I've got it. I've got it!
[holds up the tweezers with a two-inch dart with a blinking red light]
Rupert: [cut to Beta Team getting closer]
Riley: Okay, we wanna keep the hostile contained. So no one is to make a move without my...
Forrest: Wait. Signal's cleared up.
[points]
Forrest: There.
Riley: Let's go!
Rupert: Um, go!
[Giles give tweezers to Xander who races down the hall]
Riley: [cut back to Beta Team] What?
Forrest: It's on the move.
Riley: Heading?
Forrest: Straight at us, forty meters and closing. Moving fast.
Graham: In broad daylight?
Riley: Look alive, people. Weapons at the ready.
Forrest: Twenty-five meters... twenty... fifteen.
Riley: Where?
Forrest: To the left. Ten meters... five!
Riley: Anyone?
Graham: I got nothing.
Forrest: This doesn't make sense. It went right past us.

Xander: We got company... And they brought a crusade.

Xander: Girls.
Buffy: Boy!

Xander: I'm sorry. Calm may work for Locutus of the Borg here, but I'm freaked out, and I intend to stay that way.

Xander: Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV. He's shallow like us.
Oz: I gotta admit, I'm a little disappointed.
Rupert: I, ah, uh, uh...
Willow: Well, maybe it doesn't work. It-It's like art.

Xander: You're a strange girlfriend.
Anya: I'm a girlfriend?
Xander: Uh... there's a chance I'm delirious.

Xander: So you bought the Magic Shop, and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We Told You So" symphony?

Willow: So, I guess you're stuck with me then, huh? Let's order some cherry-flavoured, off-brand gelatin, and then I think we'll be up for a rousing game of...
Xander: I might need a parrot.
Willow: Huh?
Xander: Well to go with the eye patch. To really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.
Willow: Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a two-body-parts-for-the-price-of-one kind of deal.
Xander: Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will *ever* make me watch "Jaws 3-D" again.
Willow: Yeah, and... you'll never have to...
Xander: Oh, Willow... please don't.

Willow: Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone "Wow! That baby is sore"?
Xander: You have too many thoughts.

[Nancy had asked Anya to turn her ex-boyfriend into a worm]
Spike: Sluggoth demon. It's a very large, very nasty natural predator who died around the Crusades.
Anya: Same Phylum. It's not cheating. I just embellished.
Xander: Well, you can unembellish now.
Anya: Bite me, Harris.

Xander: So, Cor, you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or just goin' with a halter-top tonight?

Aaron: It doesn't show who else saw this.
Kevin: [starts typing on the laptop] Two other people read the report.
Aaron: Who?
Kevin: You gonna need a tie.

[in Xander's dream]
[door at the top of his basement stairs is being broken down]
Xander: That's not the way out.
[door slams open showing Xander's father]
Xander's: What the hell is wrong with you? You won't come upstairs? What are you, *ashamed* of us? Your mother's crying her guts out!
Xander: You don't understand.
Xander's: [comes down the steps] No. You don't understand. The line ends here with us and you're not gonna change that. You haven't got the heart.
[reaches into Xander's chest and rips out his heart]

Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
Willow: Uh-huh.
Buffy: See, I told you. Old Reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks.
Buffy: What?
Willow: Old Reliable? Yeah, great. There's a sexy nickname.
Buffy: Well, I-I didn't mean it as...
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm Old Reliable.
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that-that the guy had to shoot...
Willow: That's Old Yeller!
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

Jenny: Alright, guys, the first thing we're gonna do is... Buffy?
Xander: Huh? Did I fall asleep already?

Xander: Oh, good God! What is that smell?
Anya: Uh, fairly sure that's the smell of a hard-boiled egg being thrown into a fire.
Xander: Uh-huh.
Willow: The smell will lead us to the Potential.
Xander: Or some poor soul who ate too many chimichangas.

Buffy: [to Giles] Then if you would't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might want to leave off the "idiot" part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander: That actually kinda turns me on.
Buffy: I fear you.

[Buffy can hear everyone's thoughts]
Oz: [thinking] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist.
[out loud]
Oz: Hmm.
Xander: [thinking] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me!
Buffy: God, Xander! Is that *all* you think about?
Xander: Actually...? Bye.
[runs out of the room]

Xander: Willow! You're so very much the person I wanted to see.
Willow: Oh, really?
Xander: Yeah. You know, I kind of had a problem with the math.
Willow: Uh, which part?
Xander: The math.

Buffy: And, you know, with the pain and then the death maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be... fray-adjacent.
Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment distracted the led demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
Faith: Yeah. That was real manly how you shrieked and all.
Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.

Anya: Crap. Look at this. Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?

[going to the Espresso Pump and finding Giles playing the guitar and singing]
Xander: Um... could we go back to the haunted house? Because this is creeping me out.

[the gang comes upon an extremely large tower]
Xander: Shpadoinkle.

Buffy: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Xander: Hopes? Oh, no, no, no, no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I'm a strong, successful male who's giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.
Buffy: Strong, successful males say "giddy"?

Anya: [about Dracula] I doubt he'd remember me. I was just a silly young thing. I mean, like seven hundred or so. But he did say that this guy I cursed was doomed forever, which was really sweet, don't you think?
Xander: Adorable.
Anya: It was a great spell. I made this jerk incredibly fat, like a human minivan. You should just mention my name if you see him again.
Xander: Or better yet, why don't you just go sit on top of a crypt and flaunt your neck cleavage until Dracula shows up? Then you two can talk private.
Anya: Oh please, don't tell me you're jealous.

[seeing Principal Snyder pulling kids aside to have them 'volunteer' to chaperone young trick-or-treaters]
Willow: Snyder must be in charge of the volunteer safety program for Halloween this year.
Xander: Note his interesting take on the volunteer concept.
Buffy: What's the deal?
Xander: Oh, a bunch of little kids need people to take them trick-or-treating. Sign up and get your own pack of sugar-hyped little runts for the night.
Buffy: Yikes! I'll stick to vampires.

Anya: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine.
Xander: Anya, play nice.
Anya: You know, fine. Take her side instead of mine, even though I'm the one who sleeps with you, and feeds you, bathes you...
Willow: [looking disturbed] She bathes you?
Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way, not in a sponge-bath-y, geriatric sort of...
Rupert: Please, stop! I beg of you.

Kathy: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I left my dimension to go to college and they sent these guys after me.
[cuts to Giles at home]
Xander: But while the Mok'tagar can assume many forms and guises, including human, they can always be recognized by others of their kind... due to their lack of a soul.
[cuts back to Kathy and Buffy]
Kathy: So I'm borrowing yours.
Buffy: Without even asking.

[Willow has just told Buffy and Xander that Tara was killed by Warren]
Buffy: Look, Willow, please, just stop. We love you, and Tara. But we *don't* kill humans. It's not the way.
Willow: How can you say that? Tara is dead.
Buffy: I know, I know. And I can't understand anything. Not what happened, a-and not what you must be going through... Willow, if you do this, you let Warren destroy you, too.
Xander: You said it yourself, Wil. The magic's too strong. There's no coming back from it.
Willow: I'm not coming back.
Buffy: Wil, please. Please, we'll get through this together!
Willow: We won't. Not your way.
Buffy: Please, just...
Willow: No! No more talking. It's done.

Jonathan: I still can't believe that was Willow. I mean, I've known her almost as long as you guys. Willow was, you know... she packed her own lunches and wore floods and was always... just Willow.
[the car gets hit]
Jonathan: Geez it!
Andrew: What was that?
Xander: Just Willow.

[first lines]
[repairing the house after a demon invasion]
Xander: It's a loop... like the Mummy Hand! I'm doomed to replace these windows for all eternity. You know, maybe we should just board these things up until things are less Hellmouthy.

Oz: Take heart. We found your books.
Xander: You can put the heart back. We can't get 'em. They're locked up in City Hall.

Rona: Um... why is that guy tied to a chair?
Xander: [sighs] The question you'll soon be asking is, "Why isn't he gagged?"

Buffy: Oh, sorry. It's just... been a really weird day.
Xander: Yeah. Buffy died and everything.
Willow: Wow. Harsh.
Rupert: I should've known that wouldn't stop you.

Xander: Hey, can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?
Anya: It'll make you blind and insane, but it won't kill you. The smallpox will.

Buffy: And then he just bailed. He didn't say anything. He just took off. It was so weird.
Xander: Angel? Weird? What are the odds?

Coffee: Medium latte, light foam, extra soy.
Penelope: That's you.
Sam: Good memory.
Penelope: Listen, we should catch up.
Sam: We should.
Penelope: Perfect.
Sam: Nice to meet you, Kenneth.
Kevin: Kevin.
[Sam walks away]
Kevin: Did you know that soy milk contains high levels of phytoestrogen, which mimics the functions of estrogen inside humans? I'm just saying he's gonna have moobs.
Penelope: What are moobs?
Kevin: Man boobs.

Xander: I've been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She stopped everything that's ever come up against her. She's laid down her life, literally, to protect the people around her. This girl has died *two* times, and she's still standing. You're scared? That's smart. You got questions? You should. But you doubt her motives, you think Buffy's all about the kill, then you take the little bus to battle. I've seen her heart, and this time *not* literally, and I'm telling you right now, she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She's earned it.

Xander: No studying? *Damn*! Next thing you'll tell me is I'll have to eat jelly doughnuts or sleep with a supermodel to get things done around here. I ask you, how much can one man give?

Willow: There. Dodd McAlvy: torn tendon. Gage Petronzi: fractured wrist, depression, headaches.
Buffy: It's all there in the school medical records.
Willow: All symptomatic of steroid abuse.
Xander: But is steroid abuse usually linked with "Hey, I'm a fish"?

Buffy: I can't believe this. After all that we've been through together, and you guys won't believe me when I tell you that Kathy is *bad*.
Xander: We want to, Buff. It's just...
Oz: Shh. Don't engage.

[Willow asks Cordelia whether she wants to go on the grave-digging adventure]
Cordelia: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew you'd be digging up dead people sooner. I would have canceled.
Xander: All right, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh?
[Cordelia huffs and leaves the library]
Rupert: Xander?
Xander: Huh?
Rupert: Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living.
Xander: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face?

Xander: Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?

[an assassin has trapped Cordelia and Xander in Buffy's basement]
Xander: What are you doin'?
Cordelia: Going to see if he's gone!
Xander: That's brilliant. What if he isn't?
Cordelia: Oh, right! You think we should just slack here and hope that somebody else decides to be a hero? Sorry. Forgot I was stranded with a *loser*!
Xander: And yet I never forgot that I'm stuck with the numb-brain who let Mr. Mutant in the house in the first place!
Cordelia: He looked normal!
Xander: What? Is he supposed to have an arrow with the word "assassin" over his head? All it took was the prospect of a free makeover and you licked his hand like a big, dumb dog.

[Angel disappears from the room]
Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.

Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? Huh? What did we learn about beer?
Buffy: Foamy!
Xander: Good. Just as long as that's clear.

Anya: Are they gonna cut the body open?
Willow: Oh my God! Would you just stop talking? Just... shut your mouth, please!
Anya: What am I doing?
Willow: How can you act like that?
Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I mean, is that the helpful thing to do?
Xander: Guys...
Willow: The way you behave...
Anya: Nobody will tell me.
Willow: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!
Anya: But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens,
[starts crying]
Anya: how we go through this. I mean, I *knew* her, and then she's- There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And-And Xander's crying and not talking. And-And I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, "Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, *ever*, and she'll never have eggs or yawn or brush her hair, not ever." And no one will explain to me why.

Xander: Don't mind him. He may seem pig ignorant, rude, and a little hostile. Have fun!

Kevin: It's just... well, I never knew you were taking ukulele lessons
Penelope: Yeah, it's number 32 on my "I don't want to call it a bucket list"-bucket list

Xander: It's like, where's Riley? Oh, wait, the Central Republic of Where-in-the-Hell.

[last lines]
Dawn: Maybe that's your power.
Xander: What?
Dawn: Seeing. Knowing.
Xander: [chuckles] Maybe it is. Maybe I should get a cape.
Dawn: Cape is good.
Xander: Yeah.
[Xander smiles briefly before walking out of the room, leaving Dawn thoughtful]

[Giles is taken to the ground by the gang]
Xander: Touch him! Touch him!
Dawn: Oh, I feel him! I feel him!
Xander: Me too.
Andrew: Me too.
Rupert: Good. We all feel each other. Including some of us who don't know each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you. Um, I assume there is a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation, yes?
Anya: We thought you might be non-corporeal evil.
Dawn: We got a call. We couldn't remember you touching anything.
Xander: We had to make sure you were okay. We were worried.
Rupert: Oh. Ah. Yes, well, that's very sweet. Now, wait a minute, you thought- You think I'm evil if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and *don't* touch them?

Xander: Very bad. Very, very, very bad. Bad.
Anya: He's all traumatized.

[Xander and Buffy confront Anya and Spike after catching them having sex on camera]
Xander: Don't even try to deny it, 'cause we saw it all... the whole beautiful show.
Anya: How...? It was just - It- It was just a thing. I... I felt bad and he was just there.
Buffy: [to Spike] Didn't take long, did it?
Xander: [to Anya] Oh, ho. Oh, okay! Ya had to do it because he was there, like Mount Everest. Like I used to be.
Anya: And then you weren't! You left *me*, Xander, at the alter. I don't owe you anything!
Xander: So you go out and bang the first body you can find, dead or alive?
Anya: Where do you get off judging me?
Xander: When this is your solution to our problems. I hurt you, and you get me back. Very mature.
Anya: No. The mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure, little boy!
Xander: I'm not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations. It worked... I look at you, and I feel sick, 'cause you had sex with that.
Spike: It's good enough for Buffy.
Xander: Shut up, and leave her out of...
[both Xander and Anya stare at Buffy]
Anya: Buffy?
Buffy: Xander...
Xander: I don't wanna know this. I don't wanna know any of this.
[Xander leaves and Buffy follows after]
Spike: Bloody Xander. Buggered up everything. You know, I wish...
Anya: Don't.

Anya: You're going to die if you stay here.
Xander: I guess I might.
Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels *bad* inside, like I might vomit.
Xander: Welcome to the world of romance.
Anya: It's horrible! No wonder I used to get so much work.

[the gang angrily confronts Buffy on Angel's return]
Buffy: What is this, Demons Anonymous? I don't need an intervention, here.
Rupert: Oh, don't you? You must've known it was wrong seeing Angel or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us.
Buffy: I was going to tell you, I was. It was just that I... I didn't know why he was back. I-I just wanted to wait.
Xander: For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?
Buffy: I'm not going to... we're not together like that.
Oz: But you were kissing him.
Buffy: [to Xander] You were spying on me...? What gives you the right?
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What, you just tripped and *fell* on his lips?
Buffy: It was wrong, okay? I know that, and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me. I would *never* put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone...
Xander: ...you would stop him. Like you did the last time with Ms Calendar?

Xander: Yeah. Great knife. Although I think, um, it may, technically, be a-a sword.
Jack: She's called Katie.
Xander: ou gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.

Xander: Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures Hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?
Cordelia: Because, unlike all those other creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there.
Xander: Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?

Xander: We're in the Crime Club, which is kind of like the Chess Club, only with crime, and, um... no chess.

Rupert: I'd have to say you're right.
Buffy: I love it when he says that. Any theories?
Rupert: Uh, I'm, um, it's a bit of a puzzle, really. Um, I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.
Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat.
[no response from the others]
Xander: I'm alone with that one, huh?

[Buffy and Willow hug at the bottom of the elevator after a long talk]
Buffy: Let's promise to never not talk again.
Willow: I promise, I promise.
[Xander touches ground between them. Both girls hug him at once]
Buffy: Xander!
Willow: Oh, wonderful Xander!
Buffy: You know we love you, right?
Willow: We totally do.
Xander: Oh, God. We're gonna die, aren't we?

Blayne: She's not my type, though. Girls really got to have something to go with me.
Xander: Something like a lobotomy?

Richard: Hey, Xander, we gotta be at work in a few minutes.
Xander: Okay.
Richard: I can't be late today.
Spike: You should definitely go. Let's find your coat and get you on your merry way.
Buffy: Spike.
Richard: I don't know why I'm not leaving.
Spike: Me either. Besides, Ritchie, you can't skip breakfast, a growing boy like you. Me? I used to love breakfast. In the old days, I probably would have eaten by now.
Buffy: Of course, with that new diet of yours, you wanna be careful what you try putting in your mouth now, Spikey.
Spike: Yeah? I don't know. Tummy's making all kinds of gurglies. Maybe I ought to just feed on whatever's around even if it doesn't go down well.
[to Richard]
Spike: You, uh, work out?

[Xander has reenacted Buffy's slaying with fish sticks]
Buffy: That's exactly how it happened.
Oz: Well, I thought it was riveting. I was a little unclear about some of the themes.
Buffy: The theme is, Angel's too much of a coward to take me on face-to-face.
Xander: And the other theme was "Buy American" but it, uh, got kind of buried.

Rupert: Well, based on-on, uh, Buffy's description, I believe the men that we're after look something like, um... like this.
[Giles holds up a drawing]
Xander: The latest in fall fascism. I like it. A bit full in the hips for my tastes, but, uh...

Xander: [to Anya, after he caught her having sex with Spike at the Magic Box] I look at you, and I feel sick.

Buffy: I mean, so far, all I see is someone who *apparently* has a good job, seems nice and polite and my mother really likes him.
Xander: What kind of a monster is he?
Buffy: I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown.
Willow: [laughs] He's a clean clown!
[Buffy and Xander stare at her]
Willow: I have my own fun.

Willow: Giles, the Dagon Sphere. You said that was created to repel...
Rupert: That Which Cannot Be Named.
Willow: So, I'm thinking maybe she...
Rupert: Predates language itself?
Xander: Well, hey, if it means I don't have to read anymore, *whoo*. And might I add a big *hoo*.

Willow: The only thing I could track down was this address. The Sunset Club. Still didn't find anything incriminating.
Angel: He leaves no paper trail, no records. That's incriminating enough.
Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with Dead Boy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?

Rupert: This ring is worn only by members of the Order of Taraka. It's a society of deadly assassins dating back to King Solomon.
Xander: And didn't they beat the Elks this year in the Sunnydale Adult Bowling League Championships?
Rupert: Their credo is to sow discord and kill the unwary.
Xander: Bowling is a vicious game.

Xander: Buffy's gone insane.
Willow: What? What'd she do?
Xander: Brace yourself. You're not gonna believe it.
Tara: E-Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I-I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night.
Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
Willow: Oh. Well, Tara-Tara's right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge...
Tara: What, are you kidding? She's nuts.

Xander: Is there something more emphatic than "hate"? Can I "revile" the plan?

Tara: Why doesn't Mr. Giles put them all out of here?
Xander: Because if they deport him, they're not just destroying his career, they're condemning the man to a lifetime diet of blood sausage, bangers and mash.

Buffy: What do you think?
Xander: That depends. Are you in any way... kidding?
Buffy: You don't think it's a good idea?
Faith: It's pretty radical, B.
Rupert: It's a lot more than that. Buffy, what you said, well, it-it-it flies in the face of everything we've ever- every generation has ever done in the fight against evil... I think it's bloody brilliant.
Buffy: You mean that?
Rupert: If you want my opinion.

[Giles is blind, Xander is a demon magnet, and Buffy and Spike engaged while under Willow's spell]
Buffy: She did a spell.
Rupert: Yes. To have her will done. Whatever she says is coming true.
Buffy: And you were both affected! I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some kind of natural immunity.
Xander: Yeah, right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
Buffy: Xander!
Spike: That's it. You're off the usher list.

Xander: Are you ready to get down, you funky party weasel?

D'Hoffryn: I talked to your friend, Miss Rosenberg.
[to Anya]
D'Hoffryn: She's a firebrand. I have high hopes for her.
Xander: Stay away from Willow.
D'Hoffryn: Oh, he's gallant, isn't he? I understand what you saw in him.

Xander: I'm goin' to the party.
Willow: What?
Xander: I've gotta keep an eye on Buffy. Those frat guys creep me.
Willow: You wanna protect her?
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Willow: And prove you're just as good as those rich, snobby guys?
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Willow: And maybe catch an orgy?
Xander: If it's on early.