Top 1000 Quotes From Buffy Summers
Rupert: Ancient demon. Very strong. Last survivor of the Tothric clan. It also says that for a demon, he's unusually sophisticated.
Buffy: Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?
Dracula: What is this?
Buffy: My true nature. You want a taste?
Buffy: His name's Ampata. He'll be at the bus station tomorrow night.
Xander: Oooh! The Sunnydale bus depot. Classy! What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine.
Spike: Something's happening to me. I can't stop thinking about you.
Buffy: Uhh.
Spike: And if that means turning my back on the whole evil thing...
Buffy: You don't know *what* you mean. You don't know what feelings are.
Spike: I damn well do! I lie awake every night.
Buffy: You sleep during the day!
Spike: Yeah, but... You are missin' the point. This is real here. I love...
Buffy: Don't...! Don't say it. I'm going.
Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show?
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy: I was being cool. Come on. You've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
Willow: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still like four-hundred dates with four-hundred different...
[Buffy looks at her and she looks at a weapon on the table]
Willow: Why do they call it a mace?
[Dawn is paralyzed]
Dawn: [mumbles] I'm really sorry.
Buffy: Oh, it's okay.
Xander: You couldn't help it. It had paralyzing fingernails.
Buffy: Just like you said it would. So, good on you.
Xander: How's Wil dealing...
Buffy: With the black hole of despair she's been living in since Oz left...? She's dealing. I'm helping. It's hard. Ergo, party.
Buffy: Sorry, you guys. We're on a clock here. Okay, A-Adam was at that cave, so maybe he was there for a reason. I-I-I could, I could go back, scope it out, track him if I have to.
Willow: Right, and-and then maybe you'll get lucky, and he'll still be there, and he can rip your arms off for you. Buffy, you can't go back alone.
Rupert: [drunkenly] You never train with me anymore. He's going to kick your ass.
Buffy: Giles!
Rupert: [drink in hand] Sorry. Was that a bit honest?
[not caring]
Rupert: Terribly sorry.
Willow: Oh, Buffy, I have this for you.
Buffy: Homework...? I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore.
Willow: And a yo-yo.
Buffy: Thank you.
Buffy: Kathy's evil. I'm an evil fighter. It's simple. I'm gonna have to kill her.
Xander: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance?
Cordelia: None of your business. Certainly nowhere near you losers.
Buffy: Okay, you guys, don't forget to breathe between insults.
Cordelia: I'm sorry, Buffy. This conversation is reserved for those who actually *have* a future.
[Buffy doesn't know Angel has lost his soul]
Buffy: But you didn't say anything. You just left.
Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.
Buffy: What?
Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.
Buffy: What are you saying?
Angelus: Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened.
Buffy: I-I don't understand... Was it m-me? Was I not good?
Angelus: [laughs] You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.
Buffy: How can you say this to me?
Angelus: Lighten up. It was a good time. It doesn't mean like we have to make a big deal.
Buffy: It *is* a big deal!
Angelus: It's what? Bells ringing? Fireworks? A dulcet choir of pretty little birdies?
[laughs]
Angelus: Come on, Buffy. It's not like I've never been there before.
[Angelus tries to touch Buffy's face but she jumps back]
Buffy: Don't touch me.
Angelus: I should've known you wouldn't be able to handle it.
[tuns to leave]
Buffy: Angel!
[he stops and faces her as she cries]
Buffy: I love you.
Angelus: Love you, too.
[he turns away]
Angelus: I'll call you.
[first lines]
Rupert: [flashback] I understand. I'll take care of...
[Giles stops the ax, takes it away and cuts the Bringers head off]
Rupert: It was, uh, extraordinary good luck, of course, and-and, uh, and training, years of training. Well, uh, Chao-Ahn, keep up. You're new here, Chao-Ahn, so take note. Remember about training. But I-I honestly feel the largest part of it was instinct, instinct and-and reflexes. There's a sort of wary watchfulness I've developed over the years. It's like another sense...
[Giles gets tackled to the ground]
Buffy: Spike!
[first lines]
Buffy: [Buffy almost stakes Xander when he, Willow and Cordelia appear from around a crypt]
Buffy: Non-vampire, plus two.
Willow: Hi.
Xander: Man, Buffy. My whole life just flashed before my eyes... I gotta get me a life.
Buffy: Be simpler if I could just hate him... I think he wanted me to. I think it made it easier for him to be the villain of the piece. Really he was just scared.
Rupert: Yes, I suppose he was.
Buffy: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate, who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get.
Rupert: I believe that's called growing up.
Buffy: I'd like to stop then, okay?
Jonathan: [Buffy takes the gun away from Jonathan] I just wanted it to stop.
Buffy: Yeah, well, mass-murder, not really doctor recommended for that type of pain. Besides, prison, you know, it's a lot like high school, only instead of noogies...
Jonathan: [Interrupting] What are you talking about?
Buffy: Actions having consequences. You know, stuff like that.
Jonathan: I- I wouldn't ever hurt anybody. I came up here to kill myself.
Buffy: You get the exit cleared and the people out. That's all. Don't go Wild Bunch on me.
Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
Xander: For twenty-one hours?
Willow: It's addictive, you know.
Rupert: We'll deal with that when we've ruled out evil curses.
Buffy: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying.
[last lines]
Spike: I wasn't planning on hurting you... much.
Buffy: You haven't even come close to hurting me.
Spike: Afraid to give me the chance...? You afraid I'm gonna...
[Buffy kisses Spike]
Giles: I don't understand. What did this?
Buffy: Spike.
Xander: So, how goes the slaying?
Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Oh! But I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander: Okay, now we're back to frightening.
Buffy: Buffy the Vampire Slayer would break down this door.
Xander: And Buffy the Counselor?
Buffy: Waits.
Spike: Oh, God.
Angel: Now what?
Spike: We killed a homeless man on this bench... Me and Dru... Those were good times.
[sits on the bend and chuckles]
Spike: You know, he begged for mercy, and you know, that only made her bite harder.
Buffy: I guess you had to be there.
Willow: I mean, I'm not a full-fledged witch. That takes years. I just did a couple of pagan blessings and... a teeny glamour to hide a zit.
Buffy: Does it scare you?
Willow: It has. I tried to communicate with the spirit world, and I so wasn't ready for that. It's like being pulled apart inside. Plus I blew the power for our whole block. Big scare.
[first lines]
[after they've been making love]
Buffy: We missed the bed again.
Spike: Lucky for the bed.
[Buffy looks at the Oriental carpet which she's draped over herself]
Buffy: Is this a new rug?
Spike: Mmm, no. Just looks different when you're under it.
Buffy: [chuckles then sighs] You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
Buffy: I've been thinking about doing something to my room.
Spike: Yeah?
Buffy: Yeah. I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.
Spike: [chuckles] Well, if you want, I can... Are we having a conversation?
Buffy: What? No! No... Maybe.
Spike: Hmm...
Buffy: What?
Spike: Well, isn't this usually the part where you kick me in the head and run out, virtue fluttering?
Buffy: That's the plan... as soon as my legs start working.
Spike: [laughs] You were amazing.
Buffy: You got the job done, yourself.
[Buffy approaches a bouncer outside a nightclub looking for Spike]
Buffy: I-I'm looking for this guy. Bleach-blond hair, leather jacket, British accent, kind of sallow, but in a hot way?
Bouncer: Yeah, yeah. I know the guy. Billy Idol wannabe?
Buffy: Actually, Billy Idol stole his look from- Never mind.
[Buffy and Spike are engaged after a spell goes wrong]
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married.
Xander: How? What? How?
Rupert: Three excellent questions.
Buffy: Wil, give me something.
Willow: Okay, uh, um, the icon's called the-the Mark of Gachnar. I-I-I think this is a-a summoning spell for something called...
Xander: Gachnar?
Willow: Well, yes. Somehow, the-the beginning of the-the spell must have been triggered. Um, Gachnar's trying to manifest itself, to-to come into being.
Buffy: How?
Willow: It-it feeds on fear.
Buffy: Our fears are manifesting. We're feeding it. We-We need to stop.
Buffy: Giles, we need to talk.
Wesley: Buffy... I must ask you to remember that I am your Watcher. From now on, anything you have to say about slaying you will say to me. The only thing you need discuss with Mr. Giles is overdue book fees... Understood?
Buffy: [to Giles] We'll talk.
Rupert: Of course.
[Buffy is watching a training video at the Doublemeat Palace]
Training: You've seen us in your city or small town across the American West. You've ordered our delicious food from our happy employees. But now you're seeing it all in a new way. You're seeing it from *behind* the counter because you've just become part of the Doublemeat experience!
First: I'm part of it!
Second: I'm part of it.
Third: I'm a part of it too.
[Video shows an image of a cow and a chicken]
Training: This cow and this chicken don't know it yet, but they're destined to become part of it as well. So what happens when a cow and a chicken get together? Why, that's a Doublemeat Medley! Let's take a look now at the process of harvesting these two special meats.
Buffy: [while the video plays mooing, clucking, and slaughtering noises] Holy crap.
Training: Washing your hands thoroughly after each visit to the restroom. Follow these rules, and you'll be a happy part of the Doublemeat family for a long time.
Rupert: Ooh! Sounds like paranormal phenomena.
Willow: A ghost? Cool!
Xander: Oh, no, no. No. No cool. This was no wimpy chain-rattler. This was, "I'm dead as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
Rupert: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
Xander: I defined something...? Accurately...? Guess I'm done with the book learning.
Buffy: So we have some bad boo on our hands?
Rupert: Yes.
Willow: Well, why is it here? Does it just wanna scare people?
Rupert: Unfortunately, he doesn't know exactly what he wants. That's-That's the trouble. See, uh, many times the spirit is plagued by all manner worldly troubles. Being dead, it has no way to-to-to make its peace. So it-it-it lashes out, growing ever more confused, ever more angry.
Buffy: So it's a normal teenager... Only dead.
Willow: Well, what can we do? Is there any way to stop it?
Rupert: Well, the only tried and true way is to work out what unresolved issues keep it here and-and-and-and, um... resolve them.
Buffy: Fabulous! Now we're Dr. Laura for the deceased.
Rupert: Only if we can find out who the spirit is... or was.
[first lines]
Buffy: Are you sure you'll be all right? 'Cause I can be there in the morning.
Riley: It's just a debriefing. They're not gonna make me disapper and they're not pinning anything on me. I got Graham and a lot of the guys testifying I'm the reason they're alive. I might actually get out of this with an honorable discharge.
Giles: In return for your silence no doubt.
Riley: Oh yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own Bay of Mutated Pigs is definitely an advantage.
Giles: It's like you're blackmailing the government.
[they look at her]
Giles: In a... patriotic way.
Xander: An ice show? A show performed on ice. And how old are we again?
Willow: I saw "Snoopy On Ice" when I was little. My dad took me backstage and I-I got so scared I threw up on Woodstock.
Buffy: Look, I know you guys think it's just a big, dumb, girly thing, but it's not. I mean, a lot of those skaters are Olympic medal winners. And every year my dad buys me cotton candy and one of those souvenir programs that has all the pictures. And, okay, it's a big dumb girlie thing, but I love it.
Oz: It's not so girly. Ice is cool. It's water, but it's not.
Willow: I think it's sweet you and your dad have a tradition. Especially now that he's not around so much. Ixnay on the caramel corn, though, if you're go backstage.
Willow: I think dummies are cute. You don't?
Buffy: Uuuhhh. They give me the wig, ever since I was little.
Willow: What happened?
Buffy: I saw a dummy, it gave me the wig. There really wasn't a story there.
[wakes from a nightmare, then sees Angel]
Buffy: Hello.
Angel: Mind if I come in?
Buffy: Be my guest.
Angel: How are you?
Buffy: Peachy... So, is this a social call? It is kinda late. Or, well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour?
Angel: It's not a social call.
Buffy: Ah, so let me guess. That means grave danger. Gosh, it's good to be home.
Angel: I'm sorry. I wish I had better news.
Buffy: So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu.
Angel: The Anointed One. He's been gathering forces somewhere in town. I'm not sure why.
Buffy: Guess I'll find out soon enough, huh?
Angel: You don't sound too concerned.
Buffy: I can handle myself... Besides, I could use a little action anyway.
Angel: Don't underestimate the Anointed One just because he looks like a child. He has power over the rest of them. They'll do anything for him.
Buffy: Is that it? Is that everything? Y'know, 'cause you woke me up from a really good dream.
[she turns away from him and lies back down]
Angel: Sorry. I'll go.
[tuns to go, then pauses]
Angel: I missed you.
Buffy: [turns back] I missed you...
[but Angel is already gone]
Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Rupert: Do you want me to answer that or shall I just glare?
Amy: She and my dad were homecoming king and queen. They got married right after graduation.
Buffy: That's kind of romantic.
Amy: Well, he was a big loser. Never made any money. Ran off with Miss Trailer Trash when I was 12.
Buffy: Okay, that part's less romantic.
Buffy: I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of... badness.
Willow: You didn't. Not with Parker again.
Buffy: No. With four really smart guys.
Willow: Four? Oh... Ow. Oh, Buffy, uh, are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?
Buffy: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came... beer.
Willow: Then group sex?
Buffy: Pfft... gutter-face. No! Just lots and lots of beer.
Anya: Uh, how much butter goes in with these?
Buffy: About half a stick and a quarter cup of brandy.
[to Giles]
Buffy: You do have brandy, don't you?
Rupert: [distracted] What? Oh-Oh. Uh, uh, yes. Um, on the, uh, bookcase.
Spike: I wouldn't say no to a brandy.
Buffy: [to Giles] What's wrong?
Rupert: The victims. Apart from Xander, Hus has targeted authority figures. Father Gabriel, the curator of the cultural center. Who else fits this pattern?
Spike: Just a small brandy.
Buffy: They didn't hurt him, did they?
Rupert: They, uh, ate him.
Buffy: [after long pause] They ate Principal Flutie?
Buffy: You know, I just... - I woke up and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, "Hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm... I'm dirty, I'm-I'm bad with the... sex and the envy and that-that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. But..." Oh, I just suck at undercover.
Riley: I don't know much about Angel, or your relationship with him, but... all I ask is... if you're gonna break my heart, do it fast.
Buffy: What? You think that Angel and I...
Riley: Didn't you?
Buffy: No. Of course not... How can you even ask me that?
Riley: I don't know. Xander said...
Buffy: Xander? Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia.
Rupert: She's right. You mustn't blame yourself.
Buffy: I'm not going to...
[gets out of bed]
Buffy: I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I wanna know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make him pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine.
[long pause as Willow and Anya look at Buffy then she looks down at herself]
Buffy: That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my Yummy Sushi pajamas.
Angel: I wanted to know why I was back. Now I do.
Buffy: You don't know. Some great evil takes credit for bringing you back, and you buy it? You just give up?
[first lines]
[watching a foreign television program]
Xander: Is she dying?
Buffy: I think she's singing.
Xander: To a telephone, in Hindi. Now, that's entertainment. Why is she singing?
Willow: She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins. But then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have nowhere to put their big Maypole... fish thing.
Xander: Uh-huh. Why is she singing?
Buffy: Her lover? I thought that was her chiropractor?
Willow: Because of that thing he did with her feet? No, that was personal.
Buffy: How long was I gone?
Spike: Hundred and forty-seven days, yesterday. Uh... hundred and forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it...? How long was it for you... where you were?
Buffy: Longer.
Phillip: You put the beef on the grill. You hit the button. Then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button. Then it beeps. You put it on the bun... There's not a button for that.
Buffy: Repeat until insane.
Buffy: Okay, this is beyond evil. This is insane troll logic.
Buffy: [to her egg] Good night, Eggbert.
Buffy: I can't wait till Mom gets the bill for these books. I hope it's a funny aneurysm.
Xander: We're still talkin' party, right? I mean, some of us still love to relish celebrating in the birth of the Buff. We're still talkin' party, right? I mean, some of us still love to relish celebrating in the birth of the Buff.
Buffy: Oh, no, no. I think it might be time to put a moratorium on parties in my honor. They tend to go badly. Monsters crash. People die.
Wesley: But... you're a Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah. I'm also a person. You can't define me by my slayerness. That's... something-ism.
Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike.
Kendra: Two Slayers.
Buffy: No waiting.
[last lines]
[Willow starts to meditate again to regrow skin]
Buffy: I thought you were too tired.
Willow: It hurts too much not to try.
Buffy: I'm sorry.
Willow: And it just takes so much strength... I don't have that much.
[Buffy sits in the same position in front of Willow]
Buffy: Well, I got so much strength, I'm givin' it away.
Willow: Are you sure?
Buffy: Will it help?
Willow: Much.
Buffy: Good.
Angel: Uh, don't... go down there.
Buffy: Deal with my going.
Angel: You shouldn't be putting yourself at risk. Tonight is the Harvest. Unless you can prevent it... the Master walks.
Buffy: Well, if this Harvest thing is such a suckfest, why don't you stop it?
Angel: 'Cause I'm afraid.
Xander: Anya can handle herself.
Buffy: Against Willow? Tonight? Don't be too sure.
Xander: Well, she should be coming down at some point, shouldn't she? I mean, back there, she was out of her head, running on grief and magics.
Buffy: Doesn't matter, Willow just killed someone. Killing people changes you. Believe me, I know.
Xander: Warren was a cold-blooded killer of women just warming up. You ask me, the bastard had it coming to him.
Buffy: Maybe. Andrew and Jonathan don't.
Rupert: How exactly do you propose to hunt someone you can't see? You may have to work on listening to people.
Buffy: Very funny.
Rupert: I thought so.
Buffy: Hey! Look at us! We came up with a plan. A good plan.
[first lines]
Xander: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Anya: Again?
Buffy: Xander, we don't have time.
Xander: I know. it's just... what happened back there... the sounds of it... the smell.
Buffy: I know.
Xander: Willow did that.
Buffy: That's why we have to keep moving. You heard what she said, "One down."
Anya: She was talking about two to go, right? Jonathan and... what's-his-face, the other guy.
Buffy: Andrew. They're just sitting at County Jail without a clue Willow's coming.
Xander: You don't think she's gonna kill them, too? She wouldn't. It doesn't make sense.
Buffy: Willow's got an addictive personality. She just tasted blood. And she could be there already.
Anya: No, she couldn't. A witch at her level... she can only go airborne. It's the thing. More flashy, impresses the locals, but it does take longer.
Xander: Longer then what?
Anya: Teleporting.
[in an instant, Anya disappears]
Xander: Right. Vengeance demon. Well, at least she'll get there first.
Buffy: I'm counting the ways that can go wrong.
Rupert: The resources that the Watchers Council have at their disposal, I mean, the central library alone is...
Buffy: Don't talk about the books again. You get all... And sometimes there's drool.
Willow: Well, Porter Dorm is completely blacked out... so, naturally they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: "Aftershock Party".
Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the "Somebody Sneezed Party" and the "Day That Ends In 'Y' Party."
Xander: I don't know how stuff got so mixed up... I blew it.
Buffy: No! Well, maybe it wasn't the best time to break up with her, but...
Xander: No. It wasn't about breaking up. I love her, and God, I miss her so much.
Willow: So you left her at the altar, but you still wanna...
Buffy: You still wanna date?
Xander: I guess. I know that I'm a better person with her in my life. But things got so complicated with the wedding, and with my family, and with her demons, and what if it all goes to Hell, and-and forever? But then I left. And ever since... I've had this painful hole inside. And I'm the idiot that dug it out... I screwed up real bad.
Buffy: Hey, we all screw up.
Amy: It's crazy, all the things that have happened since I went away.
Buffy: No kidding.
Amy: Snyder got eaten by a snake, the high school got destroyed.
Buffy: Oh, Gatorade has a new flavor. Blue.
Amy: See? Head spinning.
Joyce: I have to be at the pre-show reception in half an hour. Who's gonna watch Dawn?
Dawn: [from other room] I don't need anyone to watch me!
Joyce: Yes, you do!
Rupert: Are you all right?
Buffy: I had to lather, rinse, and repeat about 5 million times to get the sewer out of my hair, but otherwise, I'm of the good.
[to Wesley]
Buffy: Thank you for asking.
Buffy: Ooh, good plan! Let's go! *Charge*!
Rupert: Buffy...
Buffy: [to Kendra] It's a little more complicated than that, John Wayne.
Buffy: Good. Good. I haven't had quite enough jealous vampire crap for one night.
Spike: [about Angel] He wears lifts, you know.
Buffy: You know, one of these days I'm just gonna put you two in a room and let you wrassle it out.
Spike: No problem at this end.
Buffy: There could be oil of some kind involved.
Spike: So. How 'bout this Slayer? Is she tough?
[Cut to Buffy's room. She's standing at her mirror, trying to brush her hair]
Buffy: Ow!
Joyce: What's wrong?
Buffy: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey.
Joyce: Life is hard, dear.
Buffy: Don't I know it. Is that a split end?
Joyce: I got the mail.
Buffy: Good.
Joyce: Which included a reminder notice about Parent-Teacher night. Thursday.
Buffy: [in trepidation] That's good.
Joyce: Which you were planning on telling me about...?
Buffy: Oh, for... the last two weeks.
Joyce: Uh-huh. So, what do you think your teachers are gonna tell me about you?
Buffy: Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge.
Joyce: And, uh, this absorption rate? How is it reflected in your homework and test scores?
Buffy: What can you really tell about a person from a test score?
Joyce: Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again.
Angel: What's the plan?
Buffy: [holding a stake] Don't fall on this.
Angel: Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?
Buffy: I dreamt... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office-supply warehouse in Vegas.
Angel: See my point?
Spike: Right. You wanna learn all about how I bested the Slayers, and you want to learn fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up.
Buffy: That's not what I...
Spike: What did you want, eh? A quick demo? A blow-for-blow description you can map out and memorize? It's not about the moves, love. And, since I agreed to your little proposition, we're gonna do this my way. Wings.
Buffy: What?
Spike: Spicy buffalo wings. Order me up a plate. I'm feelin' peckish.
[Xander is in a large, padded suit that Buffy has been furiously punching while training]
Rupert: Buffy, I think you should calm down.
Xander: Me, too.
Buffy: Oh, Puffy Xander. Um, I'm sorry. I got, I guess I got carried away. Are you okay?
Xander: I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain.
Anya: You really do think you're better than we are.
Buffy: No, I...
Anya: But we don't know. We don't know if you're *actually* better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that's the legacy.
Buffy: I...
Anya: But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say that you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you *better* than us. It makes you *luckier* than us.
Buffy: Oh, no, I have to go take an English make-up exam. They... give you credit just for speaking it. Right?
Buffy: Giles, I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words.
Rupert: You've, uh... You've felt that way yourself and, uh, you got through it.
Buffy: Yeah. I ran away and went to hell, and *then* got through it. I'm kinda hoping she doesn't use me as a model.
Rupert: Fair enough.
Willow: You mean, making a zombie?
Rupert: Uh, zombies, more likely. For most traditional purposes, a voodoo priest would require more than one.
Buffy: So, we should see if the other girls from the accident are AWOL, too. Maybe we can figure out what this creep has in mind, if we know whether or not he's dealing in volume.
Xander: So we dig up some graves tonight?
Willow: Oh, boy! A field trip!
Angel: I just wanted to see if you were okay... your mother.
Buffy: We're both good. You?
Angel: If I can go a little while without getting shot or stabbed, I'll be all right... Look, this can't...
Buffy: ...ever be anything. I know. For one thing, you're, like, two hundred and twenty-four years older than I am.
Angel: I just gotta... I gotta walk away from this.
Quentin: We'll skip the more obvious questions.
Buffy: There isn't gonna be a review.
Quentin: Sorry?
Buffy: No review. No interrogation. No questions you *know* I can't answer, no hoops, no jumps...
[Nigel starts to say something]
Buffy: ...and no interruptions... See...
[sighs]
Buffy: I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just *lining* up to tell me how unimportant I am... And I've finally figured out why... Power. I have it. They don't... This bothers them... Glory... came to my home today.
Rupert: Buffy, are you all...
Buffy: Just to talk. She told me I'm a bug. I'm a flea. She could squash me in a second. Only she didn't... She came into my home, and we talked. We had what, in her warped brain, probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me, because I have power over her.
Faith: So, what brings you here to the poor side of town?
Buffy: Cloven guy. Goes by the name Kakistos.
Faith: What do you know about Kakistos?
Buffy: That he's here... We're not happy to see old friends, are we? What'd he do to you?
Faith: It's what I did to him, all right?
Buffy: And what was that...? Faith, you came here for a reason. I can help.
Faith: You can mind your own business. I'm the one that can handle this.
Buffy: Yeah. You're a real badass when it comes to packing. What was that you said about my problem... gotta deal and move on? Well, we have the "moving on" part right here. What about dealing? Is that just something you're gonna *dump* on me?
Faith: You don't know me. You don't know what I've been through. I'll take care of this, all right?
Buffy: Like you took care of your Watcher...? He killed her, didn't he?
Faith: They don't have a word for what he did to her.
[a knock on the motel door and Faith looks through the peep-hole to see the manager]
Faith: Oh, what now?
Buffy: Faith, you run, he runs after you.
Faith: That's where the head start comes in handy.
Buffy: Cool. Crossbow... Huh. Check out these babies... Hmm... Goodbye stakes, hello, flying fatality.
Manny: I'm Manny the Manager. It's not a joke. It's just my name.
Buffy: Right. You mentioned that a couple of times when I filled out the application.
Manny: Why do you want to work here, Buffy? You seem like a sharp young woman, and there are a lot of other jobs.
Buffy: Well, I-I kind of need money pretty quickly... like today and, so, I didn't want to go through a lengthy interview process and I figured this was probably the fastest way... to... .Because I wanted to be part of the Doublemeat experience?
Buffy: My hat has a cow.
Buffy: I have had a *really* bad day, okay? If you have information worth hearing, then I am grateful for it. If you're gonna crack jokes, then I'm gonna pull out your *rib cage* and wear it as a hat.
Whistler: Hello to the imagery! Very nice.
Rupert: Everything's terrible! Total catastrophe!
Buffy: Giles, what's wrong?
Rupert: [loudly] Have you seen the new library? Th-Th-Th-Th-There's nothing but computers. There's not a book to be seen. I-I don't know where to begin, Buffy.
[last lines]
Willow: It's okay, Buffy. We'll get by. We always do.
Buffy: I don't know... They showed me...
Willow: Showed you what?
Buffy: That the First Slayer was right. It isn't enough.
Willow: Why, Buffy? What did you see? What did they show you?
Buffy: I know Faith's not gonna be on the cover of Sanity Fair, but... she had it rough. Different circumstances, that could be me.
[last lines]
Buffy: You wanna go out tonight?
Willow: Strangely, I feel like staying at home... and doing my homework... and flossing... and dying a virgin.
Buffy: You know, you can OD on virtue.
Willow: Between me and my evil self, I have double guilt coupons. I see now where the path of vice leads. I mean, she messed up everything she touched. I don't ever wanna be like that.
[Percy, who had previously been attacked by Willow, actually Vamp Willow, when he asked about doing his homework, walks up]
Percy: Hey. Uh, hi.
Willow: [Willow still thinking she has to do his homework] Oh, hi, listen, I didn't have a chance...
Percy: Okay, so, I did the outline for the paper on Roosevelt. It turns out there were two President Roosevelts, so I didn't know exactly which one to do, so I did both. Um, and I know they're kinda-kinda short, but, um, I can flesh them out. Oh, and-and here's the bibliography. Um, and I can retype that if you want. You just let me know what I did wrong and I'll get on that.
[Percy leaves comes back with an apple for Willow and leaves again]
Buffy: You wanna go out tonight?
Willow: Nine sound good?
Buffy: [to Caleb] Okay. How many times do I have to kill you? Ballpark figure?
Buffy: You look better.
Principal: No, I don't.
Buffy: No, you don't.
Principal: But I'll be okay. Unless, of course, *you* start beating up on me now.
Buffy: I won't. Well, I thought about it. I made some doodles.
Buffy: Riley... I'm not leaving him down there with the people that created this thing. I don't care how many guns they have, I'm going in. Okay... Wil, I need you to hack into the security mainframe and buy me a 10-minute shutdown of operation systems.
Willow: That could be...
Buffy: Tricky, not impossible. If you can't do it on-line, then use magic. Xander, any gear you've been saving for a rainy day I want you to give to me.
Xander: You want stealthy stuff?
Buffy: No, we tried sneaking in. This time I'm gonna use force. I figure I'll go in through the elevator shaft and use the cable as tow lines, then blast open the facility doors and find the infirmary.
Riley: [suddenly in the room] Am I really worth all that?
Angel: [to Spike about Joyce] You touch her, and I'll cut your head off!
Spike: Yeah? You and what army?
[Buffy comes up behind him]
Buffy: That would be me.
[She knocks Spike onto his back on the island and keeps him pinned there by the throat]
Buffy: Angel, why don't you come on in?
[first lines]
[Buffy enters her house, sees a bouquet of flowers and a note for her mom]
Buffy: Hey, flower-gettin' lady, want me to pick Dawn up from school?
[sees her mom lying on the couch]
Buffy: Mom? What are you doing?
[moves closer to see her lying still with her eyes open and fixed]
Buffy: [quieter] Mom...? Mom...? Mommy?
Billy: I'm sorry, Summers. Did I screw up your righteous-anger riff? Does the nest of tumors liquefying my brain kinda spoil the fun?
Buffy: I'm sorry... I had no idea. But what you're doing is still very wrong.
Billy: Okay, well, you try vomiting for twenty-four hours straight because the pain in your head is so intense, and then... we'll discuss the concept of right and wrong... These people are sheep. They wanna be vampires 'cause they're lonely... miserable or bored. I don't have a choice.
Buffy: You have a choice. You don't have a good choice, but you have a choice. You're opting for mass murder here, and nothing you say is gonna make that okay.
Billy: You think I need to justify myself to you?
Buffy: I think this is all part of your little fantasy drama! Isn't this exactly how you imagined it? You tell me how you've suffered and I feel sorry for you. Well, I do feel sorry for you. And if those vampires come in here and start feeding, I'll kill you myself!
Billy: You know what, Summers? I really did miss you.
[first lines]
[as Buffy is being choked by a demon]
Buffy: Nnnfrr...! Nnnfrr...!
Willow: Oh, God! Demon! Demon! What kills a demon?
Buffy: Nnnfrr...! Nnnfrr!
Willow: Oh, Nerf! Not Nerf! Knife!
[first lines]
Rupert: Are you sure you'll be all right?
Dawn: You'll only be gone for two days.
Buffy: I think we've managed a bit longer than that.
Rupert: Right.
Willow: So you two were sweeties in fifth grade?
Buffy: Not even! Ford wouldn't give me the time of day.
Billy: Well, I was a manly sixth-grader. Couldn't be bothered with someone that young.
Buffy: It was terrible. I moped over you for months. Sitting in my room listening to that Divnyls song "I Touch Myself"...
Buffy: [realizes what she said, turns sheepishly to Willow and Xander] Of course, I had no idea what it was about.
Buffy: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Xander: Hopes? Oh, no, no, no, no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I'm a strong, successful male who's giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.
Buffy: Strong, successful males say "giddy"?
Rupert: Buffy, what's happened here?
Buffy: God. I don't even know where to start.
Rupert: Well, Willow's clearly been abusing the magics.
Buffy: She has... She was, and I barely even noticed. Giles, everything's just been so... Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again. Dawn's a total klepto. Money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace, and... and I've been sleeping with Spike.
Rupert: [pause; then laughs] I'm sorry.
Xander: [singing] And we are caught in the fire / The point of no return / So we will walk through the fire / And let it Burn / Let it burn / Let it burn / Let it burn.
Buffy: You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that?
Xander: No, but this dude was completely different than Praying Mantis Lady. He was a man *of* bugs, not a man who was a bug.
Angelus: That's everything, huh? No weapons... no friends... no hope... Take all that away and what's left?
[Angelus stabs at Buffy with his sword and Buffy catches it between her palms]
Buffy: Me.
Buffybot: Sorry I questioned you, Spike. You know I admire your brain almost as much as your washboard abs.
[last lines]
Buffy: You're right... We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. We can't run. Can't hide. Can't pretend it's not the end, 'cause it is... Something's always been there to try and destroy the world. We've beaten them back. But we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.
Rupert: Buffy, um, I-I know you're, you're tired...
Buffy: I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. I'm standing on the mouth of hell and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it'll choke on me... We're not ready? *They're* not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Well, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now, 'cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them and cut out their hearts one by one, until The First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil... And that's *us*... Any questions?
Buffy: This is the plan? You're gonna steal R.J. by being trisected?
Dawn: What am I- gonna compete with you? You're older and hotter and have sex that's rough and kill people. I don't have any of that stuff!
Vi: Do they card?
Buffy: Nope. Go ahead. Down all the yak urine shots or pig's blood spritzers you like.
[Buffy and Spike smirk at each other]
Xander: What's this ascension mean?
Rupert: I'm not sure.
Wesley: No, not really a common term in demonology.
Willow: Ooh, ooh! The-The Merenshtadt text! Uh, I think in the section on genocide, they mention ascension.
Buffy: Well, we have a winner.
Xander: And more importantly, two losers.
Buffy: Wasn't exactly a perfect Thanksgiving.
Xander: I don't know. Seemed kinda right to me. A bunch of anticipation, a big fight, and now we're all sleepy.
Rupert: And you are called?
Kendra: I am the Vampire Slayer.
Buffy: We got that part, honey. He means your name.
Kendra: Oh... They call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir.
Buffy: Can you say stuck in the eighties?
- Now, some of us are here to learn.
- Believe it or not, we're interested in finding out what actually happened.
- It's called studying history.
- You can sit down now.
- Unless you have something else to add, Professor?
Buffy: Miss Summers!
- Some of us are here to learn, Professor!
[entering the bathroom where Buffy and Willow are talking]
Cordelia: So, Buffy, you ran off last night and left poor little Angel all by his lonesome. But I did everything I could to comfort him.
Buffy: I'll bet.
Cordelia: So, what's his story anyway? I mean, I never see him around.
Willow: Not during the day, anyway.
Cordelia: Oh, please! Don't tell me he still lives at home. Like, he has to wait for his dad to get back before he can take the car?
Buffy: Cordelia, I think his parents have been dead for a couple of hundred years.
Cordelia: Oh, good. I mean... What?
Buffy: Angel's a vampire... I thought you knew.
Cordelia: Oh. He's a vampire. Of course! But the cuddly kind. Like a Care Bear with fangs?
Willow: It's true.
Cordelia: You know what I think? I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.
Rupert: Jonathan. How's he?
Buffy: Pretty crappy. His parents are freaking. He got suspended. And toting a piece to school, not exactly winning him a place with the in-crowd. But, I think he's dealing.
Rupert: Well, it's good of you to check on him.
Buffy: Well, it's nice to be able to help someone in a non-slaying capacity, except he's starting to get that look. You know, like he's gonna ask me to Prom.
Rupert: Well, it'd probably be good for his self-esteem, if you, um...
Buffy: Oh come on! What am I, Saint Buffy? He's like three feet tall.
Buffy: Harmony's a vampire? She must be dying without a reflection.
[watching Wyle E. Coyote and Roadrunner]
Buffy: That would never happen.
Willow: Well, no, Buff. That's why they call them cartoons, not documentaries.
Buffy: There's Willow. There's the looming humongo bad. And it's a school night. I should be home in bed cuddling up to my insomnia and worrying about how I'm going to mess up tomorrow.
[Buffy, Spike and Xander enter the house to find the Scoobies waiting up for them. Xander's shirt is wrapped around his waist as a surrogate bandage]
Willow: What happened?
Xander: What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me. I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on. Let's gay.
Willow: What?
Xander: You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I-I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?
Andrew: [sighs] Captain Archer...
Xander: Come on. Let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.
Buffy: What if you just start attracting male demons?
Dawn: [chuckles] Clem always liked you.
Buffy: [after he asks her out to the dance] Xander, you're one of my best friends. You and Willow.
Xander: Well, Willow's not looking to date you. Or if she is, she's playing it pretty close to the chest.
Buffy: The school basement is making him crazy. We can't just leave him there.
Xander: Why not? Crazy Basement Guy is better than Stalking Buffy Guy.
Buffy: So, how's it start?
Rupert: I, uh... jump out of the circle, then I jump back in it, and then, um... I shake my gourd.
Buffy: Oh, I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the "Hokey Pokey" and turn themselves around.
Rupert: Go quest.
[Giles performs the ritual]
Buffy: And that's what it's all about.
[thinking everyone's gone, Dracula starts to re-materalize, but Buffy stakes him agian as he completes the process]
Buffy: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.
[as the dusts of his resurrection start to swirl again]
Buffy: I'm standing right here!
[the dust stops materializing and disappears]
Buffy: They've never been seen alive, just dead... A lot!
Rupert: Buffy, a word in your ear. Um, if you, uh, think of the store as a- as a library, it'll help you to concentrate on-on, uh, service rather than selling.
Buffy: Yes. And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.
Rupert: [cleaning his glasses and not really listening] Yes, uh, quite right. Yes.
The: Welcome.
Buffy: Thanks for having me. You know, you really ought to talk to your contractor. Looks like you got some water damage.
The: Oh, good. The feeble banter portion of the fight.
Rupert: All right. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point, you're abusing sarcasm.
Riley: That's Hostile 17.
Spike: No, I'm just a friend of Xanderr's... Pfftt. Bugger it. I'm your guy.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's, um... It's a really long story, but-but he's not bad anymore.
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm *bad*. It's just... I can't bite anymore... thanks to you wankers.
Riley: We've been looking all over the place for him, but you've known where's he's been all along.
Buffy: It's not like that.
Riley: Then what is it like? What's he doing here?
Spike: Leaving you swabs to your dramatics, thanks. I've got my stories on the telly for that. By the by, if you're trying to kill her...
[Spike grins and gives two thumbs up and then leaves]
Riley: Buffy... what is this? You're hiding an HST?
Xander: Why don't you just back off and let her ask the questions, Jack? Your boss just tried to make monster food out of her.
Riley: [seeing unfriendly faces all around him] I-I didn't see much... I wasn't there... All I know is Professor Walsh told me you were dead. Then, I saw you on the monitors... Look, this isn't Professor Walsh. There must be something making her act this way, something, I don't know, controlling her.
Rupert: We think Buffy may have been becoming too inquisitive, that she was getting close to something that Professor Walsh was trying to hide. Any idea what that might be?
Buffy: What about 314? Maybe that's it.
Riley: Maybe she was trying to test you. What if it was only a drill?
Buffy: Then why did she tell you I was dead? Riley, it wasn't a test.
Rupert: See, I've heard rumors that the Initiative isn't all that we've been told. That, um... secretly they're working towards some darker purpose, something that might harm us all.
Riley: No! That's... that's not what happens there.
Buffy: Riley!
Riley: I would know!
Buffy: But no one is sure of anything, okay? We're just trying to sort it out.
Riley: I can't be here. I'll sort it out on my own.
Buffy: [to Darla] Well, you've been around since Columbus. You are bound to pile up a few exes. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes.
[examining the ring of the dead Taraka assassin]
Angel: You're in danger. You know what the ring means?
Buffy: I just killed a Super Bowl champ?
Buffy: Are you sure you're okay?
Dawn: Yeah, but-but Spike's hurt.
Spike: [Buffy examines roughly] Ow! Easy with the delicates.
Buffy: They'll heal.
Spike: Florence Bloody Nightingale to the rescue.
Buffy: What do you think?
Xander: That depends. Are you in any way... kidding?
Buffy: You don't think it's a good idea?
Faith: It's pretty radical, B.
Rupert: It's a lot more than that. Buffy, what you said, well, it-it-it flies in the face of everything we've ever- every generation has ever done in the fight against evil... I think it's bloody brilliant.
Buffy: You mean that?
Rupert: If you want my opinion.
Buffy: We have a marching jazz band?
Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... Scary.
[Trapped by vampires in a school room]
Buffy: You can't go outside. They'll kill you.
Principal: You don't tell me. I tell you.
Buffy: They will kill everybody in this room. Nobody goes out, nobody comes in until I say so. Do you hear me?
Principal: Who do you think you are?
Buffy: I'm the one that knows how to stop them.
Buffy: He's a killer, Dawn. You cannot have a crush on something that is dead and-and evil and a vampire.
Dawn: Right. That's why you were never with Angel for three years.
Buffy: Angel's different. He has a soul.
Dawn: Spike has a chip. Same diff.
Kendra: Dis one is dirty! I can feel it!
Buffy: That's really good for you Percepto Girl, but we're not gonna get anything out of him if he's oh, say, unconscious.
Willow: Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. You can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you?
Buffy: What happened to "people gotta respect a work ethic"?
Willow: Other people, not me. There's a whole "best friend loophole."
Gwendolyn: The fact is, there is talk in the Council that you have become a bit too... American.
Rupert: Me?
Buffy: Him?
Demon: Who are you?
Buffy: I'm Buffy. The Vampire Slayer. And you are...?
Buffy: A guide, but no food or water? So it leads me to a sacred place, and then a week later, it leads you to my bleached bones?
Rupert: Buffy, please. It takes more than a week to bleach bones.
Buffy: I want you to get a message to Angel for me. Tell him I'm done waiting. I'm taking the fight to him. You got that? Need me to write it down for ya?
[Xander has been put under Dracula's control]
Xander: I'm supposed to deliver you to the Master now... There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?
Buffy: Take me to him.
[last lines]
Buffy: Well, I've always thought I was pretty easy going, you know. It's not like I have the big issues. I don't burn incense or...
[Willow picks up the other half of Buffy's sandwich]
Willow: You gonna finish this?
[takes a bite]
[Xander and Buffy confront Anya and Spike after catching them having sex on camera]
Xander: Don't even try to deny it, 'cause we saw it all... the whole beautiful show.
Anya: How...? It was just - It- It was just a thing. I... I felt bad and he was just there.
Buffy: [to Spike] Didn't take long, did it?
Xander: [to Anya] Oh, ho. Oh, okay! Ya had to do it because he was there, like Mount Everest. Like I used to be.
Anya: And then you weren't! You left *me*, Xander, at the alter. I don't owe you anything!
Xander: So you go out and bang the first body you can find, dead or alive?
Anya: Where do you get off judging me?
Xander: When this is your solution to our problems. I hurt you, and you get me back. Very mature.
Anya: No. The mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure, little boy!
Xander: I'm not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations. It worked... I look at you, and I feel sick, 'cause you had sex with that.
Spike: It's good enough for Buffy.
Xander: Shut up, and leave her out of...
[both Xander and Anya stare at Buffy]
Anya: Buffy?
Buffy: Xander...
Xander: I don't wanna know this. I don't wanna know any of this.
[Xander leaves and Buffy follows after]
Spike: Bloody Xander. Buggered up everything. You know, I wish...
Anya: Don't.
Buffy: I just... I just wanna know that there's gonna be another good one, one that I won't chase away.
Xander: There will be, promise. he's out there. He can come along any minute.
Buffy: Yeah, and the minute *after* that, I can *terrify* him with my alarming strength and remarkable self-involvement.
[Buffy has just sliced Caleb in two from the crotch up just as Angel revives from being hit on the head by Caleb]
Angel: Okay. Now I'm pissed. Where is he?
Buffy: He had to split.
Joyce: I-I-It's just... I know its a hard situation. You just have to remember that your father adores you. No more than I do, by the way.
Buffy: Good-bye.
Joyce: Have a great day.
Buffy: Giles, you're in pace mode. What gives?
Rupert: Um, this vampire who escaped, did you see what he took?
Buffy: No, but I can take a guess and say it was something old.
Rupert: You made no effort to find out what was taken?
Buffy: Have a cow, Giles.
[last lines]
Rupert: Buffy. I...
[sighs]
Rupert: I-I understand your anger. Please believe me, we d- we did what we...
Buffy: He's alive. Spike's alive. Wood failed.
Rupert: Well, that doesn't change anything. What I told you is still true. You need to learn...
Buffy: No... I think you've taught me everything I need to know.
Buffy: I haven't processed everything yet. My brain isn't really functioning on the higher levels... It's pretty much, "fire bad, tree pretty."
Rupert: Understandable. Well, when it's working again, congratulate it on a, a good campaign. You did very well.
Buffy: Thank you. I will.
Rupert: I, uh, I ferreted this out of the wreckage. Now, it may not interest you, but, uh...
[reaches into his jacket and pulls out a high school diploma]
Rupert: I'd say you earned it.
[takes a deep breath and looks around at the remains of the school]
Rupert: There's a certain, um... dramatic irony attached to all this... a synchronicity that borders on-on predestination, one might say.
Buffy: Fire bad, tree pretty.
Rupert: Oh, yes. Sorry. I'll... I'll go and tend to Wesley. See if he's still, um, whimpering.
Buffy: It's tricky, covering a fresh shiner like that. You know what works?
Debbie: What?
Buffy: Don't get hit.
Gary: [smiles] You're funny. You better stop that.
Buffy: Why?
Gary: Productivity, one of Manny's watchwords. "Levity is the time thief that picks the pocket of a company."
Buffy: I prefer the one that goes, "Manny's a humorless dolt who picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me."
Angel: Some lies are necessary...
Buffy: For what?
Angel: Sometimes the truth is worse. You live long enough, you find that out.
Angel: You deserve more. You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. I mean... you should be with someone who can take you into the light... someone who can make love to you.
Buffy: I don't care about that.
Angel: You will. And-And children.
Buffy: *Children*? Can you say jumping the gun? I kill my goldfish.
Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open. Sound is coming from it. This is never good.
Xander: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um... Slayer Kryptonite.
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander: You're assuming I meant the green Kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red Kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers.
Oz: Wrong. The gold Kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red Kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird...
Buffy: Guys...? Reality.
Buffy: I wonder where I've seen this before. Where else? The place I spend most of my waking hours memorizing stuff off the sides of mausoleums... Big, freaky, cereal boxes of death.
Joyce: It's just you belong in a good old-fashioned college with-with keg parties and boys. Not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.
Buffy: Buffy want beer.
Dawn: They were talking about me, just like everybody is.
Xander: Again, not so much. In fact, none.
Anya: We were talking about sex. I mean, you know us. Sometimes we like to pretend stuff.
Joyce: Um...
Xander: Anya.
Anya: You know, like, say there's a fireman, or a shepherd...
Buffy: You know what? Let's not have this exchange of images right now.
[last lines]
Warren: [as The First] Of course she won't understand, Sparky. I'm beyond her understanding. She's a girl with sugar and spice and everything useless, unless you're baking. I'm more than that. More than flesh...
[morphs into Glory]
Glory: [as The First] ... More than blood. I'm... You know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me. Oh, my name will be on everyone's lips, assuming their lips haven't been torn off. But not just yet. That's alright, though...
[morphs into Adam]
Adam: [as The First] ... I can be patient. Everything is well within parameters... She's exactly where I want her to be... and so are you, Number 17. You're right where you belong...
[morphs into the Mayor]
Mayor: [as The First] ... So what'd ya think? You'd get your soul back and everything'd be Jim-Dandy? Soul's slipperier than a greased weasel. Why do you think I sold mine?
[chuckles]
Mayor: Well, you probably thought that you'd be your own man, and I respect that...
[morphs into Drusilla]
Drusilla: [as The First] ... But you never will. You'll always be mine. You'll always be in the dark with me... singing our little songs. You like our little songs, don't you? You've always liked them. Right from the beginning. And that's where we're going...
[morphs into the Master]
The: [as The First] ... Right back to the beginning. Not the Bang. Not the Word. The true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride, and I think we're all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You'll learn you're a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn't sunk in already. Look at you, trying to do what's right, just like her. You still don't get it. It's not about right. Not about wrong...
[morphs into Buffy]
Buffy: [as The First] ... It's about power.
Ethan: You know, I hope you're not taking this personally, Buffy. I actually kind of like you. It's ju- It's just that I like myself a lot more. If you think of it karmically, this is-this is really big for your soul, you know. Taking my place with the demon, giving... so that others may live.
Buffy: I'm gonna kill you. Will that blow the whole karma thing?
Ethan: Sweet child.
[Buffy is tying Spike to a chair]
Spike: Bloody Hell, woman. You're cuttin' off my circulation.
Buffy: You don't have any circulation.
Spike: Well, it pinches.
Faith: Whoa, memory lane. Same old house.
Buffy: Yeah, well, every piece of furniture has been destroyed and replaced since you left, so actually, new house.
Buffy: What do you want?
Spike: I told you. I want to stop Angel... I want to save the world.
Buffy: Okay, you do remember that you're a vampire, right?
Spike: We like to talk big, vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." It's just tough-guy talk. Struttin' around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I *like* this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United... and you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here... But then, someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction... Angel could pull it off. Goodbye Piccadilly, farewell Leicester bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?
Buffy: Factoid three: Her fashion sense screams predator.
Willow: It's the shoulder pads.
Buffy: Exactly.
Kathy: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I left my dimension to go to college and they sent these guys after me.
[cuts to Giles at home]
Xander: But while the Mok'tagar can assume many forms and guises, including human, they can always be recognized by others of their kind... due to their lack of a soul.
[cuts back to Kathy and Buffy]
Kathy: So I'm borrowing yours.
Buffy: Without even asking.
Willow: It'll be okay when we get to Giles.
Oz: Of course. I mean, even if he's sixteen, he's still Giles, right? He's probably a pretty together guy.
Willow: Yeah, well...
Oz: What?
Buffy: Giles at sixteen. Less "together guy" more "bad magic, hates the world, ticking time bomb guy."
Buffy: I just...
[sighs]
Buffy: If you knew what I've done, what I've let myself become. My best friends don't even... You'd laugh if you heard some of the things I've done to them.
Holden: Buffy... I'm here to kill you, not to judge you.
Spike: Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: It was the best night of my life... If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but...
Buffy: I just told you it did.
Spike: [sighs] Yeah. I hear you say it, but... I've lived for sodding ever, Buffy. I've done everything. I've done things with you I can't spell, but I've never... been close... to anyone, least of all you... until last night. All I did was hold you, watch you sleep... and it was the best night of my life... So, yeah, I'm... terrified.
[first lines]
Todd: You see, Buffy, the thing you gotta learn about the Palace, and this takes a while, is that job security all boils down to one simple thing... Politics. Now, I'm not a political animal. But you learn fast around here, or it's, *wham*. Hello, glass ceiling... I mean, it's not like we work at Burger World or The Happy Bun where the power structure is simple. No. Here at the Palace, you gotta keep your friends close, but your enemies, closer. It like Machiavelli says... You know Machiavelli, right?
Buffy: Tall guy, bleached mullet, works day shifts?
Spike: You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I *know* you feel something.
Buffy: It's called revulsion. And whatever you think you're feeling, it's not love. You can't love without a soul.
Drusilla: Oh, we can, you know. We can love quite well... if not wisely.
Xander: ...Well, turning into a creepy-crawly wasn't on my top ten list of things to do before I turn twenty.
Cordelia: ...I want you to know that you've really proven yourself to me. And you don't have to join the new team next year, if you don't want. I'd be just as happy if you played football.
[She smiles, but Xander is clearly not amused]
Buffy: [DELETED LINE, to Cordy] You're not the only one he's proven himself to. In fact... You keep playing your cards right, Xander, and I think *our* team's gonna start having you call the shots instead of me.
[Clearly, Xander finds this even less amusing]
Xander: [DELETED LINE] Me? Call the shots? Instead of you?
[winces at the idea]
Xander: I'd rather be a fish.
Buffy: Giles say what he wanted? Do you think he's mad?
Willow: No, I don't think so. I think he just needed to see you. Have you ever noticed, though, when he is mad but he's too English to say anything, he makes that weird cluck-cluck sound with his tongue?
[Giles suddenly rises up from behind the counter]
Buffy: Hi, Giles!
Willow: Oh, hi. Been there long?
Buffy: Okay, look, if you're gonna be popping up with this cryptic wise-man act on a regular basis, can you at least tell me your name?
Angel: Angel.
Buffy: Angel. It's a pretty name.
Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way or... Well, actually, there's just the hard way.
Darla: That's fine with me.
Buffy: Are you sure? Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content.
Buffy: She was looking to go all paybacky on Glory for a minute, but I cooled her down a little. Actually, a lot.
Spike: So she's not gonna do anything rash then.
Buffy: No. I explained there was no point.
Spike: Mm-hmm.
Buffy: What?
Spike: You- So you're saying that a *powerful* and mightily pissed-off witch was planning on goin' and spillin' herself a few pints of god blood until you, what..."explained"?
Buffy: You think she- No. I told Willow it would be like suicide.
Spike: I'd do it... Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.
Buffy: Wah! This doesn't make any sense!
Willow: Oh, sure it does. See...
[reads the paper]
Willow: Oh, no, this doesn't make any sense.
Buffy: It's senseless!
Willow: It is, but at least you know that, so you're learning.
Buffy: [as the First] You realize what will happen if the Slayer and her girls get it, don't you?
Caleb: They won't.
Buffy: [as the First] That's right. They won't. Because you're going to kill all of them. And everyone they know.
Caleb: Hallelujah.
Buffy: Who are you?
Dracula: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Dracula.
Buffy: [unbelieving] Get out!
Buffy: [very fast] Does he go here? What's his name? Have you kissed him? What's he like?
Willow: No, Malcolm, no, and very nice.
[first lines]
Spike: Can we talk?
Buffy: Vocal cord-wise? Yes. With each other? No.
Xander: You really think it's gonna work?
Buffy: It's pretty easy. Spike follows the exciting smell of blood, and we follow the fairly ripe smell of Spike.
Dawn: It's "smellementary."
Spike: I've changed, Buffy.
Buffy: What, that chip in your head? That's not change. Th-That's just holding you back. You're like a serial killer in prison!
Spike: Women marry 'em all the time!
Buffy: Mr. Flutie...
Principal: All the kids here are free to call me Bob.
Buffy: Bob...
Principal: But they don't.
Professor: It's a small job. Reconnaissance. Probably a waste of a Slayer's abilities, but my boys are on assignment, so I...
Buffy: No, it's okay. I'm up for some action.
Professor: I doubt you'll get any on this one. We have a reading of a class-three subterrestrial moving through the sewer tunnels just on the edge of town.
Buffy: Class three?
Professor: It's a low-level threat. Minimal aggression. Meager defenses.
Commando: Professor Walsh.
[approaches and hands her a taser rifle]
Professor: They barely show up on the scanner and occasionally turn out to be raccoons.
Buffy: [looking at the gun] Wow. You're not crazy about raccoons, huh?
Professor: We always take precautions. All we need you to do is get a visual on this thing. This will feed me back an image, and I can advise you from there. I don't wanna put you in any unnecessary danger.
Buffy: Oh, that's okay. Danger's my birthright. Sorry. Um, Professor Walsh... there's, um, there's still some stuff about all this that I'm not clear on.
Professor: Well, when you get back, we can have a talk.
Buffy: Good. Okay. When I get back... Am I supposed to salute you?
Professor: No.
[first lines]
[Buffy and Angel are sparring, she straddles him and touches him with a stake]
Buffy: Got ya.
Angel: Right in the heart.
Buffy: Satisfied?
Angel: I'm not sure that's the word.
Buffy: Okay...
[gets off Angel]
Buffy: I didn't mean satisfied like...
Angel: No, I-I wasn't trying to...
Buffy: 'Cause we're not having satisfaction in the... personal sense.
Buffy: Angel's leaving me... He's leaving town.
Rupert: Buffy, I'm sorry... I don't really know what to say... Um, I-I understand that, um, this sort of thing requires ice cream of some kind.
Buffy: Ice cream will come... First, I wanna take out Psycho Boy.
Buffy: Angel, there must be some part of you inside that still remembers who are.
Angelus: Dream on, schoolgirl. Your boyfriend is dead. And you're all gonna join him.
Holden: I heard a lot of rumors about you back then. You were all mysterious.
Buffy: I was?
Holden: Well, you were never around. A lot of kids thought you were dating some really old guy, or that you were just heavy religious. Scott Hope said you were gay.
Buffy: What? I dated that ringworm.
Holden: He says that about every girl he breaks up with. And then last year, big surprise, he comes out.
Buffy: Men. Do I know how to pick 'em.
Willow: Don't hit the horsies!
Buffy: We won't.
[to Giles]
Buffy: Aim for the horsies.
Buffy: How many other things have changed since I've been away?
Dawn: Oh, I got a tattoo.
Buffy: What?
Willow: Which is why we told her no.
Dawn: Just a litle one?
Buffy: Over my dead body. The kind that doesn't come back.
Buffy: Fine. That's okay. I can't put it off any longer. I have to meet my terrible fate.
Rupert: [spins around] What?
Buffy: Biology.
Buffy: Don't you have any real homework?
Dawn: Oh, you mean, like, schoolwork?
Buffy: Yes.
Dawn: Well, I've got a system. It's called flunking out. No, just kidding. I'm paying someone to do my work. I'm kidding! I love to see your eyeballs change color when you think I'm gonna flunk out of...
Spike: You know what happens to vampires who don't get to feed?
Rupert: I always wondered that.
Buffy: Giles, plates.
Spike: Living skeletons, mate. Like famine pictures from those dusty countries... only not half as funny.
Buffy: You can have gravy. That has blood in it, right?
Spike: Do you know what else has blood in it? Blood.
Buffy: Do I have to gag you?
Xander: Buffy, do you get that? If I do this, that's it for me for this fight. I feel like you're puttin' me out to pasture.
Buffy: Of course I'm not putting you out to pasture. What does that even mean?
Xander: Well, you know, it's like, uh, when a cow gets old and loses an eye, or its ability to be milked, the farmer takes it and puts it in a different pasture so it won't have to... fight... with the priests.
[chuckles]
Xander: Look, I don't need you to protect me.
Buffy: I'm not.
Buffy: [about Willow] She certainly looks perky.
Xander: Yeah, color in the cheeks, bounce in the step... I don't like it. It's not healthy.
Buffy: Will, I'm not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me. He acts like I'm in the way or something. And Mom's been totally different since he's around.
Willow: Different like happy?
Buffy: Like Stepford.
Buffy: I'm way off my game. My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca!
- It has to have the blood.
- 'Cause it's always got to be blood.
Buffy: it's Summers' blood.
- It's just like mine. She's me.
- The monks made her out of me.
- Death is your gift.
- -Death--
- -... is your gift.
Wesley: Does everybody know about you?
Buffy: She's a friend.
Cordelia: Let's not exaggerate.
Xander: Yep. Yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met, by day. By night, it was booze, whores and fur flyin'. Were there whores?
Buffy: He was alone.
Xander: Give it time.
Glory: [to Willow] You know what they used to do to witches, lover? Crucify 'em.
Buffy: [from behind] They used to bow down to gods.
Glory: [laughs] Ooh!
Buffy: Things change!
Buffy: See, that's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple, really. You slap 'em around a bit. You torture 'em. You make their lives a living hell, and...
Xander: Buff...
Buffy: Sure, the nice guys, they'll run away, but every now and then, you'll come across a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it.
[speaking over a comm-link through a monitor]
Buffy: Professor Walsh...? That simple little recon you sent me on... wasn't a raccoon.
[Walsh slowly faces the monitor with Riley beside her]
Buffy: Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons... If you think that's enough to kill me... you really don't know what a Slayer is... Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.
Billy: I thought you were slaying a vampire.
Buffy: I was whatting a what?
Spike: Oh, yeah. Here it comes. Something goes wrong in your life, blame Spike. News flash, Blondie. If kid sis wants to grab a midnight stroll, she'll find a way sooner or later. I just thought she'd be safer with Big Bad lookin' over her shoulder.
Buffy: She shouldn't have found out like that.
Spike: You didn't think you could keep the truth from her forever, did you? Maybe if *you* had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of "Kick The Spike."
Buffy: How's your guy?
Anya: The weasel wants to sing. He just needs a tune.
Xander: He's primed. I'll be pumping him in no time.
[everyone looks at him]
Xander: He'll give us information soon.
Willow: Oh, I'll talk to Nurse Greenliegh.
Buffy: You're really getting into this interrogation thing.
Willow: The trick is not to leave any marks.
Fighting: Wh-What happened?
Buffy: What happened? You just went OJ on your girlfriend.
Buffy: How you doing there, Giles? Get much sleep last night?
Rupert: Um, I-I-I've been working.
Buffy: Me, too. I went hunting last night, and it is awfully sweet of you to ask. It's getting hairy out there, Giles. I killed three vampires last night. One of them was practically on school grounds.
Rupert: Their numbers are increasing.
Buffy: And they're getting cockier. Look, I'm not loving it. Last night was a pretty close call.
Rupert: Yes.
Buffy: Giles, care. I'm putting my life on the line battling the undead. Look, I broke a nail, okay? I'm wearing a press-on. The least you could do is exhibit some casual interest. You could go, "hmm."
Rupert: Hmm?
Buffy: [to Kendra] Back off, Pink Ranger!
Buffy: Giles, what's going on?
Rupert: It's complicated, Buffy. And quite frankly, it's private.
Buffy: I don't care from private! I care from dead guys attacking us. I care from you lost-weekending in your apartment!
Rupert: I wasn't... I was just trying to find a solution.
[seeing Principal Snyder pulling kids aside to have them 'volunteer' to chaperone young trick-or-treaters]
Willow: Snyder must be in charge of the volunteer safety program for Halloween this year.
Xander: Note his interesting take on the volunteer concept.
Buffy: What's the deal?
Xander: Oh, a bunch of little kids need people to take them trick-or-treating. Sign up and get your own pack of sugar-hyped little runts for the night.
Buffy: Yikes! I'll stick to vampires.
[first lines]
Buffy: Wow. This music is so... so...
Kathy: I know. This song is super fun, isn't it?
Buffy: You bet. It just gets fun-er and fun-er every time you play it.
Kathy: Going out?
Buffy: Yeah... I'm seriously caffeine-deprived. Figured I'd head down to the Grotto and get a jolt and, you know, do some studying.
[Buffy fighting one vampire while Spike is holding another while on top of a wall]
Spike: How you doin'?
Buffy: Oh, fine. You know. Same old, same old.
Spike: Here. I could take care of this guy if you want.
Buffy: Whatever. Your call.
Spike: I mean, sure, he don't look like much, but I wager he could give you a bit of nasty... Save you the staking. All you gotta do is...
Buffy: am not telling my friends about us.
Buffy: Oz... Oz, are you okay...? And if it's possible, you seem more monosyllabic than usual.
Buffy: People, listen to me! This is not the mother ship, people. This is ugly dead come to play.
Dawn: I'm just so... The way I acted, the way I talked to you... I feel so stupid. All over a spell.
Buffy: Get ready to feel even stupider when it's not.
Buffy: This is your night for suave, Wil. You should get captured more often.
Monk: You cannot abandon.
Buffy: I didn't ask for this. I don't even know- what is she?
Monk: Human. Now human. And helpless. Please. She's an innocent in this. She needs you.
Buffy: She's not my sister.
Monk: She doesn't know that.
Buffy: This trip is important for the girls to understand the source of their power, and-and to know how to use it right.
Rupert: I don't think they appreciate the gravity of what we're undertaking. It's frightening and it's difficult... And then apparently, someone told them that the Vision Quest consists of me driving them into the desert, doing the hokey pokey until a spooky Rasta-Mama Slayer arrives and speaks to them in riddles.
Buffy: That's not exactly how I put it.
[last lines]
Rupert: Bay City Rollers. Now that's music.
Buffy: I didn't hear that.
[Buffy can hear everyone's thoughts]
Oz: [thinking] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist.
[out loud]
Oz: Hmm.
Xander: [thinking] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me!
Buffy: God, Xander! Is that *all* you think about?
Xander: Actually...? Bye.
[runs out of the room]
[Willow has just told Buffy and Xander that Tara was killed by Warren]
Buffy: Look, Willow, please, just stop. We love you, and Tara. But we *don't* kill humans. It's not the way.
Willow: How can you say that? Tara is dead.
Buffy: I know, I know. And I can't understand anything. Not what happened, a-and not what you must be going through... Willow, if you do this, you let Warren destroy you, too.
Xander: You said it yourself, Wil. The magic's too strong. There's no coming back from it.
Willow: I'm not coming back.
Buffy: Wil, please. Please, we'll get through this together!
Willow: We won't. Not your way.
Buffy: Please, just...
Willow: No! No more talking. It's done.
Buffy: That's mine, and you are *not* leaving this room with it.
Ted: Take your hand off me.
Buffy: No.
[Ted hits Buffy]
Buffy: I was so hoping you'd do that.
[Buffy hits Ted back]
Xander: I mean, sure he says he's a high school student, but I can say I'm a high school student.
Buffy: You are.
Xander: Okay, but I can also say that I'm an elderly Dutch woman. Get me? I mean, who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly Dutch chat room?
Buffy: I get your point... I get your point! Oh, this guy could be anybody. He could be weird, or crazy, or old, or... he could be a circus freak. He's probably a circus freak!
Xander: Yeah, I mean, we read about it all the time. Y'know, people meet on the net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show, horrible ax murder.
Buffy: Willow ax murdered by a circus freak... Okay, okay, what do we do?
Anya: [about helping Buffy clear her Residence room] But we just helped her move the stuff in a few days ago...
[turns and sees Buffy]
Anya: ... and it was fun!
Rupert: [Reading a book] People help each other out, Anya. It's one of our strange customs.
Buffy: Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping.
Rupert: Well, I saw myself in more of a... patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling.
[Smiles. Looks to his left, points and scowls]
Rupert: You two, stop that!
Buffy: It's not that simple.
General: Yes. The key has been transformed, given... breath, life. Yet, this makes no difference. The key is the link. The link must be severed.
[Dawn looks scared]
General: Such is the will of God.
Buffy: How did you do it? How'd you get your soul back?
Spike: Saw a man about a girl... I went to seek a legend out. Traveled to the other side of the world, made a deal with a demon.
Buffy: Just like that?
Spike: No, not just like that. There was a price. There were trials. Torture. Pain and suffering... of sorts.
Buffy: Of sorts?
Spike: Well, it's all relative, innit?
Buffy: Meaning?
Spike: Meaning I have come to redefine the words "pain" and "suffering" since I fell in love with you.
Buffy: How can you say that?
Spike: Apparently, I just slaughtered half of Sunnydale, pet. I'm not really worried about being polite any more.
[the milk is missing]
Kathy: Buffy, it's fine. I just wanted to make sure...
[song ends and she hits repeat]
Kathy: ... that we didn't have a thief or something.
Buffy: Like who? Sid the Wily Dairy Gnome?
[closely examining the Seal of Danzalthar]
Principal: Now, have you ever really studied it? You know, gotten close?
Buffy: Well, I know it's a goat with its tongue out. Uh, Willow did a search on the symbolic database, but, uh, it turns out everybody likes a good goat's tongue: rock groups, covens, and Greek cookbooks.
Rupert: How did you get in?
Spike: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
Buffy: Or someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.
Richard: Hey, Xander, we gotta be at work in a few minutes.
Xander: Okay.
Richard: I can't be late today.
Spike: You should definitely go. Let's find your coat and get you on your merry way.
Buffy: Spike.
Richard: I don't know why I'm not leaving.
Spike: Me either. Besides, Ritchie, you can't skip breakfast, a growing boy like you. Me? I used to love breakfast. In the old days, I probably would have eaten by now.
Buffy: Of course, with that new diet of yours, you wanna be careful what you try putting in your mouth now, Spikey.
Spike: Yeah? I don't know. Tummy's making all kinds of gurglies. Maybe I ought to just feed on whatever's around even if it doesn't go down well.
[to Richard]
Spike: You, uh, work out?
Mr. Maclay: This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. *We* are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?
Buffy: We're family.
Buffy: Okay. I'm cookie dough... I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then... that's fine. That'll be then... when I'm done.
Angel: Any thoughts on who might enjoy... Do I have to go with the cookie analogy?
Buffy: I'm not really thinking that far ahead. That's kind of the point.
Angel: I'll go start working on the second front. Make sure I don't have to use it.
[starts to leave]
Buffy: Angel... I do... sometimes think that far ahead.
Angel: Sometimes is something.
Buffy: Be a long time coming. Years, if ever.
Angel: I ain't gettin' any older.
Buffy: I never knew you had so much rage in you.
Faith: What can I say? I'm the world's best actor.
Angel: Second best.
[Giles is blind, Xander is a demon magnet, and Buffy and Spike engaged while under Willow's spell]
Buffy: She did a spell.
Rupert: Yes. To have her will done. Whatever she says is coming true.
Buffy: And you were both affected! I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some kind of natural immunity.
Xander: Yeah, right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
Buffy: Xander!
Spike: That's it. You're off the usher list.
Buffy: There's gotta be a reason why the chip is going all wonky. Maybe it's related to the trigger. Or maybe it has something to do with the new soul.
Spike: Or maybe I wasn't meant to last this long.
[pause]
Spike: One more thing you and I have in common, eh, pet?
Buffy: Well, we'll fix it. We'll hit serious research mode.
Spike: Good. Try behavior modification software throughout the ages.
Buffy: [sighs] Okay. You're right. Not a book thing.
[pauses, comes to a realization]
Buffy: It's a phone thing.
Spike: Who ya gonna call...? God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
Buffy: Doubt it.
[first lines]
[Buffy goes to Riley's hideout looking for him]
Buffy: Riley...? Riley...
Xander: You up for a little reconnaissance?
Buffy: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
Xander: No, that was the Renaissance.
Buffy: Oh. I've had a really long week.
Rupert: This world is older than any of you know. Contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons, demons walked the Earth. They made it their home, their, uh... their hell. But in time, they lost their purchase on this reality, and the way was made for mortal animals, for-for man. All that remains of the old ones are vestiges, certain magicks, certain creatures.
Buffy: And vampires.
Xander: Okay, this is where I have a problem. See, because we're talking about vampires. We're having a *talk* with vampires in it.
Willow: Isn't that what we saw last night?
Buffy: Okay, guy's opinion. Which one do you think Owen will like better... the red or the peach?
Xander: Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his friends how easy you are so the whole school loses respect for you and then talks behind your back... The red's fine.
Buffy: Thanks. I'll go with the peach.
Buffy: Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around.
Rupert: Yes. In a straitjacket howling his innards out day and night.
Buffy: Okay, Admiral. Way to inspire the troops.
Sunday: Guys, this is totally... mine.
Rookie: Okay, but you gotta share the eatin', 'cause I'm thinkin' Slayer's blood's gotta be whoa, like Thai Stick.
Buffy: I thought people were supposed to get smarter in college.
Big: Slayer.
Buffy: Slayee.
Rupert: Buffy, maintaining a normal social life as a Slayer... i-i-is problematic at best.
Buffy: This is the '90s, the 1990s, in point of fact, and I can do both. Clark Kent has a job. I just want to go on a date.
Rupert: Well, I suppose it was a fairly slim lead.
Buffy: Thank you, thank you, thank you. And, look, I won't go far, okay? If the apocalypse comes, beep me.
Faith: You're actually gonna take orders from him?
Buffy: That's the job. What else can we do?
Faith: Whatever we want. We're Slayers, girlfriend, the Chosen two. Why should we let him take all the fun out of it?
Buffy: Oh, that'd be tragic, taking the fun out of slaying, stabbing, beheading.
Faith: Oh, like you don't dig it.
Buffy: I don't.
Faith: You're a liar. I've *seen* you. Tell me staking a vamp doesn't get you a little bit juiced. Come on, say it.
[Faith stops, faces Buffy, folds her arms, and waits. Buffy smiles, hesitates, looks away...]
Faith: [laughs] You can't fool me. The look in your eyes right after a kill. You just get hungry for more.
Buffy: You're way off base.
Faith: Tell me that if you don't get in a good slaying, after a while, you start itching for some vamp to show up so you can give him a good...
[jabs her arm and grunts]
Buffy: Hey, slaying's what we're built for. If you're not enjoying it, you're doing something wrong.
Dawn: Also, I'm sure there's tons of stuff like this. You know, procedures we can use that don't involve magic spells. Just good solid detective work. And we can develop a database of tooth impressions and demon skin samples and I could wear high heels more often.
Buffy: Wow. That was so close to being empowered.
Spike: The only thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Everyday you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you. Is today the day I die...? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later, it's gonna catch you... And part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it... Death is your art. You make it with your hands day after day, that final gasp, that look of peace. A part of you is desperate to know... What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now, you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. She merely wanted it. Every Slayer... has a death wish... Even you... The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world... Your mum, brat kid sister, Scoobies. They all tie you here, but you're just puttin' off the inevitable... Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second, the second that happens, you know I'll be there... I'll slip in. Have myself a real good day... Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did.
Buffy: Get out of my sight, Spike, now.
Spike: Oh, now did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do somethin' about it. Hit me... Come on. One good swing. You know you want to.
Buffy: I mean it.
Spike: So do I. Give it me good, Buffy. Do it.
Spike: Take it easy. You'll get your kittens.
Teeth: Oh, I trust you, Mister Spike.
Buffy: Oh, God. What is it with you guys? Why kittens? Why can't you just use *money* like everybody else?
Rupert: I was 10-years-old when my father told me I was destined to be a Watcher. He was one and his, uh, mother before him, and I-I was to be next.
Buffy: Were you thrilled beyond all measure?
Rupert: No. I had very definite plans about my future. I was going to be a fighter pilot... or possibly a grocer, well, uh, my father gave ma a very tiersome speech about, uh, responsibility and sacrifice.
Spike: Come to serenade me?
Buffy: So you know what's going on.
Spike: Well, I've seen some damn funny things the last two days. A 600-pound Chirago demon making like Yma Sumac. *That* one will stay with you.
[when Caleb threatens to poke out Xander's other eye]
Buffy: Go near Xander again, and I will end you!
Rupert: [loudly] Must we have this noise during your calisthenics?
Buffy: It's not noise. It's music.
Rupert: I know music. Music has notes. This is noise.
Buffy: As if I even could've gone to you, Xander. You made your feelings about Angel and I perfectly clear.
Xander: Look, I'm sorry that your honey was a demon, but most girls don't hop a Greyhound over boy troubles.
Cordelia: Time out, Xander. Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just a minute. Okay? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally I pick a freak for a boyfriend, and then he turns into Mr. Killing Spree, which is pretty much my fault...
Buffy: Cordy... get out of my shoes.
[Buffy's getting lots of presents]
Buffy: Prezzies!
Willow: See? Just what you needed.
Buffy: You are very, very wise. Now gimme, gimme, gimme!
Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from "A" to "Z". From ax to... zee other ax.
[first lines]
[pinned to the ground by vampires]
Faith: So, what, you're telling me never?
Buffy: Faith, really, now is *not* the time.
Faith: I'm curious. Never ever?
[they throw off the vampires and stand]
Faith: Come on, really. All this time, and not even once?
Buffy: How many times do I have to say it? I have never...
[hits vampire]
Buffy: done it...
[stakes vampire]
Buffy: with Xander! He's just a friend.
Buffy: Damn it, Dawn! This is serious.
Dawn: Why? Why should I care about *any* of this?
Buffy: Because they'll take you away...
Dawn: Take me away? What do you mean?
Buffy: They'll take you away from me... That's what your principal told me when you weren't in the room. If I can't make you to go to school, then I won't be found fit to be your legal guardian.
[Social worker finds suspicious bag]
Buffy: You know, I know what that looks like, but I-I sw- I swear it's not what it looks like. It's magic weed. It's not mine.
[RJ is leaving the principal's office]
Buffy: Whoa, hand on there, slappy. I'm not done with you yet.
R.J. Brooks: Oh, man. Like, it's not bad enough I got that guy ridin' my back all the time. Now I gotta deal with you, too?
Buffy: Actually, I'm a bit more formidable than Mr. Wood. You might come to look fondly on his back riding.
Biker: I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
Buffy: And I've always wanted piano lessons. So, really, who's surprised we have all this unexpressed rage...? But honestly, I think I'm expressing mine better. Tell you what... You find yourself a good anger management class... and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart.
Kendra: You talk about slaying like it's a job. It's not. It's who you are.
Buffy: Did you get that from your handbook?
Kendra: From you.
Buffy: Okay, its-it's bills. It's money. I-It's pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats that we've never even met. It's not like it's the end of the world... Which is too bad, you know, 'cause *that* I'm really good at.
Willow: You're not dumb. Just rusty.
Buffy: Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes, like Introduction to Pies or maybe Advanced Walking.
[first lines]
Buffy: [having a nightmare] No!... No! No.
Joyce: Yes. It's time to get up for school.
Buffy: [half asleep] Mom?
Joyce: Are you alright?
Buffy: [fully awake] No. Uh, yeah... Yeah. I'm-I'm fine. Oh... school. Great.
[gets out of bed]
Joyce: You wanna go to school?
Buffy: Sure. Why not?
Joyce: Okay. Good day to buy that lottery ticket... I spoke with your father.
Buffy: He's coming, right?
Joyce: You're on for this weekend.
Buffy: I still don't get what this has to do with Giles.
Willow: I don't know about Giles, but ancient sects used to induce possession for bacchanals and-and orgies.
Xander: Okay. Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I could have lived without that one.
Willow: [reading Marcie Ross' yearbook] "Have a nice summer." "Have a nice summer." This girl had no friends at all.
Rupert: Uh, once again, I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap.
Buffy: "Have a nice summer" is what you write when you have nothing to say.
Xander: It's the kiss of death.
Spike: As daft a notion as "Soulful Spike the Killer" is, it is nothing compared to the idea that another girl could mean anything to me. This chip-they did to me. I couldn't help it. But the soul, I got on my own-for you.
Buffy: I know
Spike: So, yeah. I go and pass the time... with someone. But that's all it is is time, 'cause-God, help me, Buffy-it's still all about you.
Xander: Let her finish. You at least owe her that.
Buffy: God, Xander... do you think you could at least stick to annoying me on you own behalf?
Xander: Fine. Oh, you stop acting like an idiot, and I'll stop annoying you.
Buffy: You want to talk acting like an idiot... Nighthawk?
Oz: Okay. I'm gonna step in now, being Referee Guy.
Willow: No, let 'em go, Oz. Talking about it isn't helping. We might as well try some violence.
[suddenly the zombies break into the house from all directions and start attacking the party guests]
Willow: I was being sarcastic!
[after Xander's speech about Buffy]
Faith: Damn. I never knew you were that cool.
Buffy: Well, you always were a little slow.
[sitting and feeling alone in the playground]
Buffy: Vampires... Here, vampires.
Willow: What about Angel?
Buffy: Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. 'Hi, honey. You're in grave danger. I'll see you next month.'
Willow: He's not around much, it's true.
Buffy: When he is around... it's like the lights dim everywhere else. You know how it's like that with some guys?
Willow: Oh, yeah.
Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
Giles: No.
[pause]
Giles: Yes... It-it was a gift.
Buffy: So, let me get this straight. I'm really back in school because the School Board overruled you. Wow! That's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question when you think about it.
Joyce: I think what my daughter's trying to say is nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.
Buffy: How do you like my darkness now?
Xander: Girls.
Buffy: Boy!
[a bunch of couples in the woods turn out to be vampires]
Buffy: Hey, didn't anyone come here to just make out?
[one couple raises their hands]
Buffy: Aw, that's sweet. You run.
Spike: Remember that conquering nation thing? Forget it. Apologize.
Buffy: Shut up, Spike.
Spike: Fine, I'll do it myself.
[to attacking Indians]
Spike: Hey, sorry! Sorry about that, Chief!
[last lines]
Buffy: [voice over] Night came on, and a full moon rose high over the trees, lighting the land till it lay bathed in ghostly day. And the strain of the primitive remained alive and active. Faithfulness and devotion, things born of fire and roof were his, yet he retained his wildness and wiliness. And from the depths of the forest, a call still sounded.
[first lines]
Dawn: Candles? We can't have candles?
Buffy: Dawn, it's a magic clearance. Everything must go.
Dawn: B-But they're just candles.
Buffy: Well, yeah, to you and me, they're just candles, but to witches, they're like bongs.
Angel: I'm gettin' the brush off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me.
Buffy: You're not getting the brush off. Ar-Are you just going to come here and go all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?
Angel: Aha! Boyfriend.
Buffy: He's not... But... he is in my heart.
Angel: That'll end well.
Buffy: What was the highlight of our relationship? When you broke up with me or when I killed you?
[last lines]
Rupert: Buffy, what is it?
Buffy: Angel.
Rupert: Is he in trouble?
Buffy: He know that I'm... He-He needs to see me. I-I have to see him.
Rupert: Well, of course. Well, you-you'll leave for LA tomorrow.
Buffy: Not LA. An-And not here. Somewhere in the middle. There's a place.
Rupert: I see. Well, we should bet these, uh, bills and things out of the way bef...
Buffy: I have to go now.
[starts to leave]
Buffy: Oh. Um... Thanks for taking care of this for me.
Buffy: What have you got for me?
Willow: Some ideas. Well, notions or theories based on wild speculation. Did I mention I'm not good under pressure?
Rupert: Dig a bit in the history of this place, and you'll find a-a-a steady stream of fairly odd occurrences. I believe this whole area is the center of mystical energy, that things gravitate towards it that-that you might not find elsewhere.
Buffy: Like vampires.
Rupert: Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi. Everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real.
Buffy: What, you, like, sent away for the Time/Life series?
Rupert: Oh, w-well, yes.
Buffy: D'ya get the free phone?
Rupert: Um, the calendar.
[last lines]
[Buffy has gone to Faith's room to try and help her]
Faith: Is that it?
Buffy: Yeah, I guess.
Faith: All right. Well, then, I'll see ya.
[Buffy turns to leave the Faith's room disappointed]
Faith: B-Buffy?
[Buffy stops and turns around with hope]
Buffy: Yeah?
Faith: [after a pause] Nothing.
Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Rupert: Yes, that's why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house. They start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like, "Oh, look! A mini-pizza!" but I'm telling you, I...
Rupert: [interrupting] Uh, Buffy, I-I-I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming a... a text.
[all the adults are acting like teenagers]
Buffy: Principal Snyder?
Principal: Call me Snyder. Just a last name, like... Barbarino.
Buffy: I'm glad you showed up. You see, I'm having a really bad day.
Coach: [as the Ugly Man] Lucky 19.
Buffy: Scary. I'll tell you something though. There are a lot scarier things than you... And I'm one of them.
Rupert: The point is, a Slayer should be able to see them anyway, without looking, without thinking. Well, can you tell me if there's a vampire in this building?
Buffy: Maybe.
Rupert: You should know. Even through this mass and this... din, you should be able to sense them. Well, try. Reach out with your mind. You have to hone your senses, focus until the energy washes over you, till you-you feel every particle of-of...
Buffy: There's one.
Rupert: W-Where?
Buffy: Right there, talking to that girl.
Rupert: You don't know...
Buffy: Oh, please! Look at his jacket. He's got the sleeves rolled up. And the shirt? Deal with that outfit for a moment.
Rupert: It's dated?
Buffy: It's carbon dated. Trust me, only someone living underground for ten years would think *that* was still the look.
[the gang looks at the vampire version of Willow from an alternate reality]
Rupert: It's extraordinary.
Willow: It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... And I think I'm kinda gay.
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually...
[pauses as Willow and Buffy look at him]
Angel: That's a good point.
[last lines]
Joyce: [off-screen] Buffy? Are you going to bed?
Buffy: In a minute.
Buffy: A girl is dead because of me.
Spike: And how many people are alive because of you? How many have you saved? One dead girl doesn't tip the scale.
Buffy: That's all it is to you, isn't it? Just another body.
Spike: Buffy...
[she hits him]
Buffy: You can't understand why this is killing me, can you?
Spike: Why don't you explain it?
[she starts beating him up]
Spike: Come on. That's it. Put it on me. Put it all on me. That's my girl.
Buffy: I am not your girl.
[knocks him down and starts pounding him]
Buffy: You don't... have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you! You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real. I could never be your girl.
[she eventually stops beating him]
Spike: You always hurt... the one you love, pet.
[Ampata comes downstairs]
Ampata: Hello, Xander.
[Xander says incoherent babble]
Buffy: I can translate American salivating boy-talk. He says you're beautiful.
[Xander babbles to Buffy]
Buffy: You're welcome.
Xander: I just always thought that I would... that I would be there with you... you know, for the end.
Buffy: Hey!
Xander: Well, not that this is the end.
Buffy: Thanks a lot.
Xander: No, no, no, no. Uh, by "the end," I-I meant, uh... heroic in an uplifting way. See, I'm still optimistic. You're just thrown off a little by this gritty-looking eye patch.
Buffy: I know what you meant.
Xander: I should be at your side. That's all I'm saying.
Buffy: You will be. You're my strength, Xander. You're the reason I made it this far.
Buffy: Were you parking, with a vamp?
Dawn: I-I didn't know he was dead.
Justin: Living dead.
Dawn: Shut up!
Buffy: How could you not know?
Dawn: I just met him.
Buffy: Oh! Oh, so you were parking in the woods with a boy you just met.
Buffy: We don't even know if this is anything.
Rupert: Well, no, we don't.
Buffy: And I haven't had a day off for a while.
Rupert: True.
Buffy: And a cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer.
Anya: You know, you really should get yourself a *boring* boyfriend, like Xander... You can't have Xander.
Buffy: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies, going Tra-la-la.
Willow: Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average.
Anya: So dump him. But you can't have Xander.
[last lines]
Buffy: I have to get you back home now. Mom's freaking out.
Dawn: Oh. Is she mad about the whole fire thing?
Buffy: I think you sort of have a "get out of jail free" card on account of big love and trauma
Dawn: Really...? Okay...? Good.
[walking out]
Dawn: You think she'd raise my allowance?
Buffy: Don't push it.
Spike: Heard you got a date.
Buffy: Well, it's unclear. I mean, I have this whole theory about a promotion. Or he's evil.
Spike: Buffy, I'm all right.
Buffy: You don't have to...
Spike: What? Be noble? I'm not. Really, I'm all right. Think I still dream of a crypt for two with a white picket fence? My eyes are clear.
Buffy: Good. I'm glad. Thank you.
Spike: Never much cared for picket fences, anyway. Bloody dangerous.
Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
Xander: Will, we saw you at the Bronze... A vampire.
Willow: I'm not a vampire.
Buffy: You are. I-I mean you-you-you were... Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Rupert: Well, uh, something... something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?
Rupert: It's the end of the world.
Buffy: *Again*?
Spike: It's nice to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You... You glow.
Buffy: That's because the dress is radioactive.
Rupert: Buffy, Xander is in real danger. Are you sure the solution is pie?
Buffy: Over bickering and confusion, I'll take pie.
Rupert: We will find a solution.
Buffy: And we will have a nice dinner, okay? Both. End of story. I'm going to have Thanksgiving, and it is going to be perfect.
Xander: Did you know that... Ben is Glory?
Buffy: So I'm told. What do we know?
Rupert: Um, well, uh, according to these scrolls, uh, it's possible for Glory to be stopped. I-I'm afraid it's, um, well, Buffy, I've read these things very carefully and there's not much margin for error... You understand what I'm saying?
Buffy: Might help if you actually said it.
Buffy: The school talent show. However did you finagle such a primo assignment?
Rupert: Our new Führer, Mr. Snyder.
Willow: I think they call them principals now.
Holden: Hey, I-I don't bean to be Count Buttinsky here, but you just don't seem as thrilled. Is it because we're gonna fight?
Buffy: It's 'cause I'm gonna win.
Holden: [laughing] Hello. Two years of Tae Kwon Do and vampire strength. I think somebody's countin' their chickens.
Buffy: Force yourself to do what can't be done or else we are not an army. We're just a bunch of girls waiting to be picked off and buried.
[Spike starts to leave]
Buffy: Where are you going?
Spike: Out. Since I'm neither a girl nor waiting, all this speechifying doesn't really apply to me, does it?
Buffy: Fine. Take a cell phone. That way, if I need someone to get weepy or wailed on, then I can call you.
Cordelia: You're going to be one busy little Slayer, baby-sitting them.
Buffy: I doubt they'll have any more trouble.
Cordelia: I doubt your doubt. Everyone knows that witches killed those kids, and Amy is a witch. And Michael is whatever the boy of witch is, plus being the poster child for *yuck*.
Buffy: Corde...
Cordelia: If you hang with them, expect badness. 'Cause that's what you get when you hang with freaks and losers. Believe me, I know.
[starts to walk away]
Cordelia: That was a pointed comment about me hanging with you guys.
Willow: Hey. How is he?
Buffy: Oh, in the "goes" part of "comes and goes."
Willow: Well, there seems to be a definite lack of screaming. That has to be good.
Rupert: Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence even.
Buffy: Being in high school can feel like being at war. Now it's true. The students feel like the teachers are out to get them, the Chess Club resents the French Club for taking the activities room, and, well, everybody hates the cheerleaders.
Willow: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.
Buffy: Good for you.
Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet.
Buffy: We saved the world. I say we party.
[Angelus has just turned back into Angel]
Angel: Angel?
Buffy: Buffy...? What's going on...? Where are we? I-I don't remember.
Angel: You're hurt... Oh, Buffy... God. I... feel like I haven't seen you in months. Oh, God, everything's so muddled, I... Oh, ah, Buffy...
[demon starts awakening]
Angel: What's happening?
Buffy: Shh. Don't worry about it.
[kisses him]
Buffy: I love you.
Angel: I love you.
Buffy: Close your eyes.
[kisses him again then runs him through with the sword and into the demon]
Angel: Buffy...?
Rupert: You're behaving remarkably immaturely.
Buffy: You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I've yet to mature.
[after slaying a vampire in an alley]
Buffy: Wow. Been a long while since I met one who didn't know me.
Willow: The coroner's office said she was missing an ear. So I'm thinking, maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some *great* spells that work much better with an ear in the mix.
Buffy: That's one fun little hobby you've got there, Wil.
Buffy: Spike's in love with me.
[Xander starts laughing]
Buffy: I'm not joking.
Xander: Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true.
Buffy: You don't have anything useful to tell me, do you? What are you? Just some immortal demon sent down to even the score between good and evil?
Whistler: Wow! Good guess.
Buffy: Well, why don't you try getting off your immortal ass and fighting evil once in a while? 'Cause I'm sick and tired of doing it myself.
Whistler: In the end, you're always by yourself. You're all you've got. That's the point.
Buffy: Spare me.
- I said a brain, you worthless dirt.
- Big day.
- I got places to be.
- Big day.
- Need a brain.
- Suppose I could always use yours.
Buffy: Okay then.
- Come and get it.
Cordelia: It's in the bad part of town.
Buffy: Where's that?
Cordelia: About a half a block from the good part of town. We don't have a whole lot of town here.
Jenny: You here again? You kids really dig the library, don't ya?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.
Anya: Hey! Hands off the merchandise, Spike. You don't get to go there again.
Spike: Please. I've already forgotten about our little time together.
Nancy: I thought you were Xander's ex-girlfriend.
Anya: I am.
Nancy: But you and Spike...
Anya: Had a thing.
Spike: Didn't last.
Nancy: But weren't you Buffy...
Spike: Briefly.
Buffy: Never serious.
Nancy: [sighs] Is there anyone here that hasn't slept together?
[Spike and Xander look at each other]
Buffy: Last night... was the most perverse, degrading experience of my life.
Spike: [smiles fondly] Yeah. Me too.
Buffy: You know, it's not even that he's acting that suspicious. It's just, there he is, on the Hellmouth, all day, every day. That's gotta be like being showered with evil, only from underneath.
Willow: Not really a shower.
Buffy: A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.
[in Willow's dream]
Buffy: Your costume is perfect.
[whispers]
Buffy: Nobody's gonna know the truth. You know, about you.
Willow: Costume?
Buffy: You're already in character! Oh, I shoulda done that!
Buffy: It's that seal lthing in the basement. It-It's like all the Hellmouth's energy's trying to escape from that one little spot, and it's getting all...
Principal: Focusy.
Buffy: Careful. Starting to speak like me now.
Buffy: [holding a gun to the Colonel's head] Stay back or I'll pull a William Burroughs on your leader here.
Xander: You'll bore him to death with free prose?
Buffy: Was I the only one awake in English that day?
Angel: You can't get into my mind.
Buffy: How did you...
[brief pause]
Buffy: Why not?
Angel: It's like the mirror. The thoughts are there, but they create no reflection in you.
Rupert: Is everything alright?
Buffy: Yeah, it's okay. Kendra killed the bad lamp.
[first lines]
Buffy: Come on, Mom. Please?
Joyce: I'm sorry, honey.
Buffy: Don't you understand how important this is?
Joyce: It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy.
Buffy: But... I looked good in it.
Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker.
Buffy: But a thin streetwalker.
[gets a look from her mother]
Buffy: That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it.
Willow: So we're lookin' for a beastie.
Rupert: That, uh, eats humans whole... Except for the skin.
Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?
[Giles looks at her thoroughly un-amused]
Buffy: You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh.
Buffy: It's great.
[to Giles]
Buffy: It-It's all great.
Rupert: Well, you've earned it. Truly.
Buffy: Thank you guys, so much. You're like my fairy godmother and Santa Claus and Q all wrapped up into one... Q from Bond, not Star Trek.
Buffy: I still need to pick up a few things, so I'll check in. And keep your hands off the food.
Rupert: Oh, I'll try and restrain myself from eating uncooked potatoes and cranberries.
Tara: Is it that bad?
Buffy: Sort of. But I'm starting to get perspective on the whole situation. You know, maybe Riley's where he's supposed to be. You know, maybe he needed to be where he was needed.
Tara: Willow says that things always happen for a reason.
Buffy: But you ever notice people only say that about bad things?
Buffy: I'll check Backer's office. See if I can find any post-its marked, "Why a monster might want me dead."
[first lines]
[while checking on all the sleeping Potential Slayers, Buffy hears someone crying]
Buffy: Chloe...? I-It is Chloe, right?
[last lines]
Spike: Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.
Buffy: I was happy... Wherever I was... I was happy... At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time... didn't mean anything. Nothing had form. But I was still me, you know...? And I was warm. And I was loved. And I was finished. Complete... I-I don't understand theology or dimensions, any of it, really... But I think I was in heaven... And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out... by my friends. Everything here is hard and bright and violent... Everything I feel, everything I touch... this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that, knowing what I've lost...
[starts to leave]
Buffy: They can never know. Never.
Buffy: Great thing about being a Slayer... kicking ass is comfort food.
Buffy: So Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.
Philip: The boy? No power there.
Buffy: "The boy" has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit.
Willow: That's Riley-speak.
Xander: [proudly] I've clocked field time.
Manny: Phillip, Timothy, this is Buffy. She's gonna work the counter.
Phillip: What happened to the other one... Katherine?
Manny: Emily?
Phillip: Yeah.
Timothy: She's gone.
Buffy: What happened?
Timothy: Whatever always happens.
Manny: [Opening a locker] You can use this one.
Buffy: Uh, there's someone's stuff in there.
Manny: They must've left it. You can toss it, or keep what you want.
Buffy: Sure they're not coming back?
Manny: We have a lot of turnover here.
Manny: [to Buffy, referring to Phillip and Timothy] Watch these two.
Buffy: Are they gonna do something?
Manny: They're solid. Follow their example and you won't go wrong. They're lifers.
Buffy: Lifers?
Manny: In it for life. Like me. You want to get something out of this, Buffy, you'll do the same. You put the work in, and 10 years from now, you'll be where I am. I promise you.
Buffy: [singing] There's nothing we can't face.
Anya: [singing] Except for bunnies.
[flicks lighter]
Xander: Rough day...? Come on, Buff. Be a lonely drunk...
[flicks lighter again]
Xander: Rough day?
Buffy: Stop flicking at me.
Xander: Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your college-y life. No more looking down on the townie.
Buffy: Guess we've all done a lot of things lately we're not proud of.
Xander: I think I've got you beat.
Buffy: Wanna compare?
Buffy: [about Kathy] She irons her jeans. She's evil. She has to be destroyed.
Faith: Me, by myself all the time, and I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. And then, there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life.
Buffy: Yeah.
Faith: And that's you every day, isn't it?
Buffy: I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price, being a Slayer.
Faith: There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.
Buffy: Also, you went evil and were killing people.
Faith: Good point. Also a factor.
Buffy: But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But, being a Slayer, there's a burden we can't share.
Faith: And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.
Spike: Uh, hey, Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis Like, um, when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it.
Doris: I'm sorry, did you say...
Buffy: Crib. Crib.
[laughs]
Buffy: He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang.
Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll, uh, regret later, okay?
Cordelia: You crazy freak!
Buffy: Vapid whore!
Xander: Like that.
[after Buffy slays a vampire, Giles picks up a ring off the ground]
Buffy: Oh. That's great. I kill 'em. You fence their stuff.
Wesley: All right, everyone. Monsters, demons, world in peril.
Buffy: I'll betcha they have *all* that stuff in Illinois.
Wesley: You cannot leave Sunnydale! With the power invested in me by the Council, I forbid it.
Rupert: Oh, yes, that should settle it.
- I just want to apologize for the use of the word crib.
Buffy: Do you think they'll set up shop again in town?
- It's hard to say.
- I'm sure they'll lie low for a bit.
- But they're around somewhere.
- There's got to be a way to find these creeps.
- Don't worry, Buff.
- You'll find them.
- Yeah. I'm sure you'll get them next time, champ.
Buffybot: That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!
Buffy: [to Andrew and Jonathan] There's two ways this can end. And right now, I'm thinking they're both gonna hurt.
Buffy: [holding an outfit up to the mirror] Hi, I'm an enormous slut!
[switching outfits]
Buffy: Hello, would you like a copy of The Watchtower?
[putting them both aside]
Buffy: I used to be so good at this.
Buffy: Speaking of, I really have to bail, but I promise I'll be back bright and early tomorrow and ready to slay.
Rupert: This is a matter of some urgency, Buffy.
Buffy: I realize that. Well, you have to admit I kinda lack in the book area. I mean, you guys are the brains. I'll only be here for moral support anyway.
Xander: That's untrue, Buff. You totally contribute. You go for snacks!
Willow: She should go... you know... gather her strength.
Rupert: Perhaps you're right. There may be fierce battles ahead.
Xander: But Ho-Ho's are a vital part of my cognitive process.
Buffy: Ow. I don't know about you guys, but I've about had it with super-strong little women who aren't me.
Buffy: I'll say one thing for you Incan mummies. You don't kiss and tell.
Buffy: Just get the blaster working. That's all the strength I need.
Willow: Are you sure?
Buffy: Why, because ray guns aren't in the Slayer Handbook? Wil, you haven't seen this Adam thing. He-He's the Terminator without the bashful charm.
Buffy: I have to get away from that "bad boy" thing. There's no good there.
Willow: Do you think he's dead?
Buffy: We can't be sure. Pick up the pieces and keep them separate.
Cordelia: Pieces? We get the pieces. Our job sucks!
[first lines]
[Buffy catches football at the beach]
Buffy: Ha! Touchdown! Oh, yeah! Go, Team Me!
[tosses football back]
Riley: Anybody ever told "Team You" the quarterback throws like a girl?
[tosses back to Buffy]
Buffy: I do?
[tosses back with a lot of strength knocking Riley down]
Riley: Ohh! Uhh.
Buffy: Oh, sorry.
Buffy: Oh, look, a bad guy.
Riley: I've never seen anybody get under your skin this way before. What did she do to you exactly?
Buffy: It's a long story.
Riley: I'm from Iowa. We drive four hours for a high school football game. Try me.
[first lines]
Buffy: Giles?
Anya: Giles.
Willow: Uh-oh. Daddy's home. I'm in wicked trouble now.
Rupert: You have no idea.
Rupert: Buffy... are you hurt?
Buffy: Oh. Caleb came back looking for seconds.
Rupert: My God, is he-he...
Buffy: Still able to make me see cartoon birdies all around my head? You betcha. The short lack of consciousness was nice. I feel rested.
[Buffy and Willow are rope climbing down a shaft]
Buffy: How you doing?
Willow: Super. What was I thinkin' using stairs all this time?
Angel: And, Buffy, be careful with this gift. A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful... they can be painful.
Buffy: Like, say, immortality?
Angel: Hmm. Exactly. I'm dyin' to get rid of that.
Buffy: Funny.
Angel: I'm a funny guy.
Sam: I gotta tell you, Buffy. I'm a little bit intimidated. I mean, patrolling with the real live Slayer. You're like Santa Claus, or Buddha, or something.
Buffy: Fat and jolly?
Willow: Spike, we have no intention of killing a harmless, um, creature. But we-we have to know what's been done to you. We-We-We can't let you go until we're sure that you're-you're impotent or...
Spike: Hey!
Willow: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you're-you're...
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy.
Buffy: Giles, help. He's gonna scold me.
Buffy: Be careful, you guys. Place doesn't look too stable.
Spike: Fine by me. I hope we all go under.
Buffy: Why is he even here? It's not like he can fight.
Willow: If we leave him alone, he'll stake himself.
Buffy: And that's bad because...? Fine. Whatever.
Buffy: [sighing] We need to find Willow.
Xander: Yeah. She's really off the wagon, big time... Warren's a dead man if she finds him.
Dawn: Good.
Buffy: Dawn, don't say that.
Dawn: Why not...? I'd do it myself if I could.
Buffy: Because you don't really feel that way.
Dawn: Yes, I do. And you should too. He killed Tara, and he nearly killed you... He needs to pay!
Xander: [nods with approval] Out of the mouths of babes.
Buffy: Xander.
Xander: I'm just saying he's... he's just as bad as any vampire you've sent to dustville.
Buffy: Being a Slayer doesn't give me a license to kill... Warren's human.
Dawn: So?
Buffy: So the human world has its own rules for dealing with people like him.
Xander: Yeah, we all know how well those rules work.
Buffy: Sometimes they do... Sometimes they don't... We can't control the universe. If we were supposed to... then the magic wouldn't change Willow the way it does... And... we'd be able to bring Tara back.
Dawn: And Mom.
Buffy: There are limits to what we can do. There *should* be. Willow doesn't wanna believe that and now she's messing with forces that wanna hurt her... all of us.
Xander: I just... I've had blood on my hands all day... Blood from people I love.
Buffy: I know... And now it has to stop... Warren's going to get what he deserves, I promise! But I will *not* let Willow destroy herself.
Buffy: Fine, okay? But someone still has to go warn the dean.
Willow: I'll go. I need the air.
Buffy: Not alone.
Anya: I'll go.
Xander: Me, too.
Buffy: You sure you're up to it?
Spike: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
Xander: I'm up to it.
Buffy: I'm gonna need every single one of you on board, especially you, Xander. You're sort of the key figure here.
Xander: Key...? Me...? Okay, pride, humility... and here's the mind-numbing fear... What do I have to do?
[Xander still thinks no one can see or hear him]
Xander: I'd offer my opinion but you jerks aren't gonna hear it, anyway. Not that Didn't-Go-To-College Boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care.
Buffy: What is wrong with you?
Xander: You... You heard that...? You can see me?
[Buffy nods]
Xander: Good. Oh, God, good.
Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy.
Buffy: Okay. I was hoping to not get that cynical till I was at least forty.
Faith: It's not cynical. I mean, it's realistic. Every guy from Manimal down to Mr. "I Lov The English Patient" has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it for the chase.
Buffy: Why? Are you jealous?
Angel: [chuckles] Of Xander? Please! He's just a kid.
Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?
Angel: "Danced with' is a pretty loose term. "Mated with" might be a little closer.
Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.
Angel: I am *not* jealous.
Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
Angel: See? Whenever we fight, you always bring up the vampire thing.
Faith: So what about you? What was your toughest kill?
[Buffy has a flashback to killing Angel]
Buffy: Um, well, you know, they're all... difficult, I guess. Uh, oh, oh, do you guys remember the Three? That's right, you never met the Three. Well, there was three...
Rupert: That symbol on the ring... I believe it's the rune for fidelity, but, uh, it doesn't connect with any of the sects that I've studied.
Buffy: What about this? On the inside, it's a sun and three stars. Haven't we seen that somewhere?
Rupert: Let me see... No, I-I-I don't think this, um, represents any...
Buffy: Wait, it's right here. Sun and three stars. Yecch. Check these guys out. Told you it looked familiar.
Rupert: Oh, the Order of Aurelius. Yes, you're right.
Buffy: Ooh, two points for the Slayer, while the Watcher has yet to score.
Buffy: There's something else, though. We found an empty grave.
Rupert: Another vampire?
Buffy: No. No, this one was dug up and the body was taken out.
Rupert: Grave-robbing? That's new. Interesting.
Buffy: I *know* you meant to say gross and disturbing.
Rupert: Yes, yes, yes, of course. A terrible thing. Must-Must put a stop to it. Damn it.
Buffy: You didn't see him down there. He really didn't know what he'd done. It wasn't in his control.
Xander: Oh, an out-of-control serial killer. You're right. That is a great house-guest.
Xander: Flowers for m'lady.
Buffy: I think they call those balloons.
Xander: Yeah, stick 'em in water, maybe they'll grow.
Buffy: So, what's the deal with Manny the manager? If I ask him really nice, can I write a children's book called that?
Buffy: [about Spike] He-He mentioned something about a song in the cellar. Uh, and he-he changed there, too. I mean, instantly became another person.
Xander: Trigger.
Anya: The horse?
Xander: No. In his head. It's a trigger. It's a brainwashing term. It-It's how the military makes sleeper agents. They- They brainwash operatives and condition them with a specific trigger, like a song, that makes 'em drastically change at a moment's notice.
Willow: Is this left over from your days in the Army?
Xander: No, this is left over from every army movie I've ever seen.
Buffy: [to Mr. Maclay] You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me.
Dawn: And me!
Mr. Maclay: Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.
Dawn: You don't wanna mess with us.
Buffy: She's a hair-puller.
Anya: [to Buffy about Spike] What's the status with your guy?
Buffy: He's not talking yet. We'll get there.
Buffy: [to Xander and Anya about Andrew] How's your guy?
Anya: The weasel wants to sing. He just needs a tune.
Xander: He's primed. I'll be pumping him in no time.
[Short, awkward pause while Buffy and Anya stare at Xander]
Xander: He'll give us information soon.
Angel: Why are you ridin' me?
Buffy: Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say "undead American'?
Buffy: [while fighting a group of vampires] There's something you forgot about, too... Sunrise!
[breaks open a window, a bright light pours in, the vampire gets up and shields his face with his hands, expecting to be burned. He stops when he realizes it's only a bright lamp. Buffy lunges at him from behind and jams a stake home]
Buffy: It's in about nine hours, moron.
Willow: You're thinking too much. Maybe you need to be impulsive.
Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.
Willow: Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice.
Buffy: [to Willow] You knew that if the demon was in trouble it was gonna jump into the nearest dead person.
Angel: I put it in danger.
Willow: And it jumped.
Angel: But I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years... just waiting for a good fight.
Buffy: Winner and still champion!
Buffy: Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you and I- Are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part, I mean...
Buffy: You, I mean, I can't believe you got into Oxford.
Willow: It's pretty exciting.
Oz: There's some deep academia there.
Buffy: That's where they make Gileses!
Willow: I know. I could learn and-and have scones.
Buffy: Okay, ready?
Angel: Yeah.
Buffy: On 3. 1...
[pulls out arrow]
Angel: Ahh. I knew you were gonna do that.
Rupert: Not too much blood here.
Angel: I heal pretty fast. I should be all right.
Buffy: I'm just glad Faith's such a suck shot.
Rupert: We're sure it was her?
Buffy: Well, I've narrowed down my list of one suspect.
Wesley: Fascinating.
Rupert: What?
Wesley: It seems our Mr. Worth headed an expedition in Kauai, digging through old lava beds near a dormant volcano.
Buffy: I'm not fascinated yet.
Wesley: He found something underneath. A carcass, buried by an eruption.
Rupert: A carcass?
Wesley: A very large one. Mr. Worth posits that it might be some heretofore undiscovered dinosaur.
Angel: A demon?
Rupert: Well, yes, that would be something that the-the mayor would want to keep a secret. If it's the same kind of demon he's turning into and it's dead, then it means that... well, he's only impervious to harm until the Ascension. In its demon form, he can be killed.
Buffy: Great. So all we need is a million tons of burning lava. We're saved.
Angel: Well, it's a start anyway...
[he tries to stand up]
Buffy: Ok, you have been a real klutz today. You need to...
Angel: Damn.
[he falls to the ground]
Amy: All right! You wanna fry a witch? I'll give you a witch! Goddess Hecate, work thy will.
Buffy: Uh-oh.
Amy: Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!
[Amy turns herself into a rat]
Buffy: Giles, share. What is the Mark of Eyghon?
Rupert: Hey! This is not your battle. And as your Watcher, I'm telling you unequivocally to stay out of it!
Gage: What a psycho bitch! Man!
Angelus: [approching] Gotta be talking about Buffy.
Gage: How'd you know?
Angelus: Uh, she and I... had this thing once. Biggest mistake of my life.
Gage: Yeah. My condolences, dude.
Angelus: She's a real head-tripper.
Gage: Tell me about it. Girl acts like she's God's gift or something.
Angelus: Who is she? The Chosen One?
Gage: Exactly.
Angelus: You know, what she really needs is for someone to really knock her down off her notches.
Gage: Yeah, that'd be sweet. Anyone in mind?
Angelus: You're in luck, my friend... Just so happens, I'm recruiting.
[Gage see Angelus' vampire face]
Gage: No!
[Buffy strolls out of the Bronze and hears Gage's screams as Angelus is feeding]
Gage: Ah! Somebody! Help! Ah! Help! Ah! Ah! Get him off me! Help! Ah!
[She rushes to his aid. Cut to Angelus. He drops Gage and begins to spit out his blood. He wipes his mouth and spits some more. Buffy comes running around the corner, and just as he looks up she does a roundhouse kick to his face. He isn't fazed and just looks at her. She pulls out the stick holding her hair up and holds it ready to stake him as her hair falls down around her face]
Angelus: Why, Miss Summers! You're beautiful!
[He quickly bends down, picks Gage up and throws him at her, knocking her to the pavement. He spits a few more times and leaves smiling. Buffy scrambles to her feet and watches him go. Gage gets up also and rubs his neck]
Gage: Oh. Was that the thing that killed Cameron?
Buffy: No. That was something else.
Buffy: S-Something else?
Buffy: Yeah. Unfortunately, we have a lot of something elses in this town. Good night.
[starts to leave]
Gage: Hey!
[Buffy pauses]
Gage: Walk me home?
[She motions for him to follow, and they leave]
Buffy: So we'll help him?
Rupert: [pause] Yes.
Xander: [entering] Where do we start...? Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mostest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing. And, um... I don't know. Maybe I finally got the Hanukah spirit.
Cordelia: You're really campagning for Bitch Of The Year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
Spike: You can't deny it. There's something between us.
Buffy: Loathing. Disgust.
Buffy: [Buffy is doing crunches and Willow is making a pencil spin in midair] The Watcher Council shrink is heavy into tests. He's got tests for everything. T.A.T.s, Rorschach, associative logic...
[grunts then sits up]
Buffy: He even has that test to see if you're crazy that asks if you ever hear voices or you ever wanted to be a florist.
Willow: Ooo, I used to want... Wait. Florist means crazy, right?
[looks back at her pencil]
Willow: I never wanted to do that.
Buffy: [Buffy looks at the pencil] Neat.
Willow: Thanks. It's all about emotional control. Plus, obviously, magic.
[looks at Buffy]
Willow: Hey, you wanna go to the Espresso Pump and get sugared up on mochas?
Buffy: I'm gonna pass. Hit the pool and do some laps.
Willow: How come the sudden calisthenics? Aren't you sort of naturally buff, Buff?
[giggles]
Willow: Buff buff.
[Dawn kicks Buffy in the shin]
Buffy: Ow.
Dawn: Dumbass.
[Buffy looks at Xander]
Xander: Don't look at me. This is a Summers' thing. It's all very violent.
Buffy: [to Dawn] If you get killed, I'm telling.
Dawn: Should we do something for her? Anything?
Willow: She wants to be alone. That's what she wants. Oh, God, it just hurts my heart to think of her.
Buffy: I I know. The whole thing hurts my heart.
Dawn: I thought they were happy.
Buffy: They were. I know they were. They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train.
Dawn: Why did this happen?
Willow: I don't know. I feel like I should be hating Xander, but I can't. I just
[sighs]
Willow: I just hope he's okay.
Dawn: I wonder where he is.
Rupert: I should have set you loose on them. That's what I should have done.
Buffy: Giles, that Travers guy is like, 60. I can't hit him...
[eagerly]
Buffy: Can I?
Angel: I knew this was gonna happen.
Buffy: What? What do you think is happening?
Angel: You're 16 years old. I'm 241.
Buffy: I've done the math.
Angel: You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you want.
Buffy: Oh, no, I-I think I do. I want out of this conversation.
Angel: Listen. If we date, you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another.
Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?
Angel: I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control.
Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
[Angel grabs her, pulls her close and she gasps]
Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you... you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
Buffy: No... When you kiss me, I wanna die.
Buffy: I'm trying. They're already piling on all the reading, and Giles fills any free time I have with extra training. I'm starting to think this working hard is hard work.
Dawn: You guys really need to ease up with the whole dating demons thing.
Buffy: Uh, hello. I'm sorry. Wasn't that you having the smooch-a-thon with Teen Vampire last Halloween?
Dawn: See? This is why I don't want you talking to my friends.
Spike: And just what brings our good principal to this neck of the gloom?
Buffy: I'm showing him our operation. Us.
Spike: Fine by me. Big fight against evil comin' up. The more good guys we've got, the longer we'll all live.
Principal: Is that what you are? A good guy?
Spike: I haven't heard any complaints. Well, I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that.
Buffy: He's joking.
Principal: No, he's not.
Spike: No, I'm not.
Buffy: Wil, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't need magic to be special.
Willow: Don't I? I mean, Buffy, who was I? Just... some girl. Tara didn't even know that girl.
Cordelia: After all that we've been through tonight, this whole who-gets-to-be-queen capade seems pretty...
Buffy: Damn important.
Cordelia: Oh, yeah.
[Buffy is threatening to kill Drusilla]
Buffy: Now, you let everybody out or your girlfriend fits in an ashtray.
Buffy: And the thing is, I like my evil like I like my men... Evil. You know, "straight up, black hat, tied to the train tracks, soon my electro-ray will destroy Metropolis" *bad*. Not all mixed up with guilt and the destruction of an indigenous culture.
Xander: [Buffy is dressed as Red Riding Hood] Hey, Red. What you got in the basket, little girl?
Buffy: Weapons.
Xander: Oh.
Buffy: You sent away the one person that's been watching my back, *again*.
Giles: We're all watching your back.
Buffy: Funny, that's not really what it feels like.
Rupert: And you're certain she was a robot?
Buffy: Absolutely.
Tara: She practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass.
Ken: That... was not... permitted.
Buffy: Yeah, but it was fun.
Ken: You've got guts. I think I'd like to slice you open and play with them.
Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.
Spike: It's blood. It's what I do.
[regaring their trick-or treat assignment]
Xander: I can't believe this. We have to get dressed up and the whole deal?
Willow: Snyder said costumes were mandatory.
Buffy: Great. I was gonna stay in and veg. The one night a year things are supposed to be quiet for me.
Xander: Halloween quiet? Why, I figured it'd be a big old vamp scare-a-palooza.
[Angelus has just grabbed Willow]
Xander: Don't do that!
Angelus: Oh, I think I do that!
Willow: Angel!
Jenny: He's not Angel any more. Are you?
Angelus: Wrong. I am Angel... at last.
Xander: Oh, my God.
Angelus: I got a message for Buffy.
Buffy: [off-screen behing Angel] Why don't you give it to me yourself?
Buffy: [turns around] Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.
Buffy: [as Joan] To slay someone? A *female* someone. Who do those jerks think they are?
Anya: Bloodsuckers. They kill by sucking blood. Take it easy, Joan.
Dawn: I tell you I have this theory? It goes where, you're the one who's not *my* sister, 'cause mom adopted you from a shoe box full of baby howler monkeys, and never told you 'cause it could hurt your delicate baby feelings.
Buffy: That's your theory?
Dawn: Explains your fashion sense... and smell.
Professor: Your visitor's pass. And I've assembled some reading material to bring you up to speed.
Buffy: Oh. And I thought I was never gonna get homework from you again.
Professor: You can't take that home. That's classified material. Highly sensitive. When you're through reading those pages, you'll have to eat them.
Riley: She's joking.
Professor: Don't worry. Doesn't happen very often. Shall we...? Much of our hands-on research with the HSTs is performed here. We call this "The Pit."
Buffy: And what do you call those?
[Buffy sees a pair of green squid-faced demons lying on two tables, while scrub-clad techs work on them]
Riley: Tough. It took eight of us to bring those two down.
Professor: They'll be under our control soon enough. Doctor Angleman! Head of our science team. He's a leader in the field of xenomorphic behavior modification.
Buffy: Behavior modification?
Professor: We've made significant advances in reconditioning the sub-terrestrials, bringing them to a point where they no longer pose a threat.
Buffy: So I've seen.
[Walsh and Riley look at her]
Buffy: On the Discovery Channel. With gorillas and sharks. They-They made them all nice. You haven't seen it?
Xander: Look, everyone expects me to mess up again. Like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze, that pointed silence.
Buffy: 'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox.
Xander: No, but it's different now. It's more a verbal nonverbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes.
Buffy: Color me stunned.
Willow: You like it?
Buffy: It smells good. What is it?
Willow: Just a little something we witches like to call a protection spell.
Buffy: Good deal, protection. I'm surprised, though, 'cause usually spell stuff's more...
Willow: Stinky. Yeah. That's why I added lavender. Give me time, and I may be the first wicca to do all my conjuring in pine fresh scent.
[bringing 'gifts' to Buffy while she is in the hospital]
Willow: Not to be outdone.
Buffy: Homework?
Willow: It's my way of saying "get well soon."
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Buffy: I like pancakes 'cause they're stackable.
[looks at Willow's plate]
Buffy: Ooh, and waffles 'cause you can put things in the little holes if you wanted to.
Willow: [laughing] You should always have a new boyfriend. You're so much fun right now.
Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences... How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing? And you still haven't figured it out?
Joyce: Well, it stops now!
Buffy: No, it doesn't stop! It never stops! Do-Do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV, or gossiping about boys or, *God, even studying*! But I have to save the world. *Again*!
Willow: Buffy! Hey, did you get your SAT scores?
Xander: By the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are going to be manning the drive-thru window side by side.
Buffy: They're just test scores, right? What do they really mean, anyway?
Willow: 1430! Buffy, you kicked ass...! Okay, so academic achievement gets me a little excited.
[first lines]
Buffy: You demons can't resist a run-and-stumble, can you?
Xander: It fit when I picked up the tux. How could it not fit now?
Buffy: It'll fit.
Xander: Aw, man. What if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund? And then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt! Buffy, that can not happen! I must wear das cummerbund!
Dracula: [walking up] Very impressive hunt... Such power.
Buffy: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?
Dracula: We're not going to fight.
Buffy: Do you know what a Slayer is?
Dracula: Do you?
Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?
Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool.
Buffy: [to Xander] Boy smell nice.
Olaf: You... told the witch to do that, Anyanka. You seem determined to put an end to all my fun, just like you always did when we were *dating*!
[everyone looks at Anya in disbelief]
Anya: Uh, um...
Xander: You dated him?
Buffy: You dated a troll?
Willow: And we're what, surprised by this?
Buffy: I hate this. I hate being here. I hate that you have to be here. I hate that there's evil... and that I was chosen to fight it. I wish a whole lot of the time that I hadn't been. I know a lot of you wish I hadn't been, either... This isn't about wishes. This is about choices. I believe we can beat this evil. Not when it comes. Not when its army is ready. Now. Tomorrow morning, I'm opening the seal. I'm going down into the Hellmouth and I am finishing this once and for all. Right now, you're asking yourself what makes this different. What makes us anything more than a bunch of girls being picked off one by one? It's true. None of you have the power that Faith and I do. So here's the part where you make a choice.
[showing Lily around her one room apartment]
Buffy: Let me give you the tour... This concludes the tour.
[last lines]
Buffy: I'm glad we talked this all out.
Riley: We haven't talked at all.
Buffy: Oh... Well, whatever we're doing, we're doing it great.
[they start kissing again]
Buffy: Mmm, Jonathan.
Holden: We're gonna have to fight to the death, aren't we?
Buffy: It's the time-honored custom.
Riley: It's just... This thing, this you-and-me thing... it's stupid.
Buffy: I know. Which is why we can't do it... the you-and-me thing.
Riley: No. I mean, you're stupid... I mean... I don't mean that. No. I think maybe I do.
Buffy: Wow. With sweet talk like that you'll definitely melt my reservations.
[last lines]
Buffy: [narrating] I can't hold on to the past anymore. Angel is gone. Nothing's ever gonna bring him back.
Buffy: I just realized something. Something that... really never occurred to me before... We're gonna win.
Buffy: Xander... it's okay. She didn't tell us for a reason. She didn't tell us because she knows what I have to do... I have to kill Anya.
Buffy: So, what's the scuttlebutt? Anybody besides Larry fit our werewolf profile?
Willow: There is one name that keeps getting spit out. Aggressive behavior, run-ins with authorities... About a screenful of violent incidents.
Buffy: Okay, most of those were not *my* fault.
[to the Potentials after killing the Ubervamp]
Buffy: Buffy: See? Dust. Just like the rest of 'em... I don't know what's coming next... but I do know it's gonna be just like this. Hard. Painful. But in the end it's gonna be us. If we all do our parts, believe it, we'll be the ones left standing... Here endeth the lesson.
Cordelia: Somebody is after me! They just tried to kill Ms. Miller, uh, she was helping me with my homework... and Mitch and Harmony. This is all about me! Me, me, me!
Xander: Wow! For once she's right.
Buffy: So you've come to *me* for help.
Cordelia: [nods] Because... you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons. I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.
Angel: Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.
Buffy: You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it... Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster.
[Buffy shows Principal Wood the Summers house, Andrew storms into the room wearing an apron and oven mitts]
Andrew: Where the hell have you been? This funnel cake is kicking my ass.
Principal: Yeah, I hear they're tricky.
Buffy: Robin Wood, this is Andrew.
Principal: It's a pleasure.
Buffy: Andrew is our... Actually, he's our hostage.
Andrew: I like to think of myself more as a "guestage."
Principal: So, you- you hold him here against his will?
Buffy: Well, he was evil, and we had people got killed, and-and now he, bakes. It-It's a thing.
Principal: Oh.
Andrew: Could we try to just keep our secret headquarters a little bit secret? Keep bringing people in, they're gonna see everything. They'll see the big board.
Buffy: Andrew, we don't have a big board.
[Andrew fetches a white dry-erase board covered with colorful illustrations]
Andrew: I, uh, made it myself.
Principal: Oh, I wouldn't have guessed.
[Buffy is anxious to leave after they've spent all night making love, and Spike is peeved]
Spike: What is this to you... this thing we have?
Buffy: What? We don't have a... thing. We have "this." That's all.
Spike: Do you even like me?
Buffy: [pause] Sometimes.
Spike: But you like what I do to you.
[she doesn't answer. He pulls out a pair of handcuffs and dangles them]
Spike: Do you trust me?
Buffy: [long pause] Never.
Spike: This should be a kick.
Buffy: I violently dislike you.
Buffy: Hi! Is this your bank? 'Cause if not, there's gonna be a fee for that.
Warren: I was wondering when Super Bitch would show up.
Buffy: You really got a problem with strong women, don't ya?
Glory: Wow. The Slayer's a robot. Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?
Buffy: [from behind] Glory?
[attacks her with Olaf's hammer]
Buffy: You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?
Angel: I'm trying to do what's right here, okay? I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart.
Buffy: Heart? You have a heart? It isn't even beating.
Angel: Don't.
Buffy: Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know that I got a choice in that. I'm never gonna change. I *can't* change... I want my life to be with you.
Angel: I don't.
Buffy: You don't wanna be with me...? I can't believe you're breaking up with me.
Riley: We've been tear-assing through every jungle from Paraguay up, taking out nests. As soon as we put one Suvolte down, a dozen take its place... They're breeders, Buffy. One turns into ten. Ten becomes a hundred. This gets out of hand and there's a war with humans, the humans are gonna lose.
Buffy: So they're like really mean tribbles. Sorry. I've been dealing with these, these geeks. It-It-It's a whole thing.
Buffy: No, I'm not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full-on Exorcist twist.
Buffy: We need to analyze that burger. We need to find out if it used to be people.
Xander: [mouth full of burger] What...? People?
Buffy: Xander, you ate the burger?
Xander: Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger. Blah, blah, blah. Five minutes later, "Oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious, human flesh"?
Willow: That's a great outfit.
Buffy: Thanks, I'm totally jamming on your dress.
Willow: No, it's dorky. I'm aware that it's dorky.
Buffy: Not a jot, it's lush. Laura Ashley's definitely back.
Willow: You think?
Buffy: She's back and this time it's personal. See they mated her with the Home Depot guy and that's how we got Martha Stewart.
Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there were only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."
Willow: Come on. You don't think he ever got restless as a kid?
Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed.
Principal: I don't think you'll have any problem adjusting here, Bunny.
Buffy: Buffy.
The: Come on, Slayer. What are you afraid of?
[throws Buffy into an open grave]
Buffy: Help! Help me!
The: How about being buried alive?
[starts filling in the grave]
Buffy: Let me out! Please, don't go! Please! No!
Buffy: I mean, I can beat up the demons until the cows come home, and then I can beat up the cows.
Buffy: Hi.
Angel: Hi.
Buffy: So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware?
Angel: I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like.
Buffy: I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from.
Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us?
Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no "us." Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on... To the living.
Rupert: Into each generation, a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a chosen one, one born with the...
Rupert: ...strength and skill to hunt the vampires...
Buffy: ...to stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah. I've heard it, okay?
Buffy: No! You guys are gonna have a prom... the kind of prom that everyone should have... I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every single person on the face of the Earth to do it.
Xander: Yay?
[first lines]
Buffy: [sighs] I'm sorry.
Dawn: It's okay.
Buffy: No. We're gonna sit down and have a real dinner... someday. I hate having to run out in the middle. It's just, you know, there's this *thing* out there. Definitely non-vampire.
Dawn: I understand.
Rupert: In my years as... Watcher... I've buried too many people... but Jenny was the first I've loved.
Buffy: I'm sorry... I'm sorry I couldn't kill him for you... for her... when I had the chance... I wasn't ready... But I think I finally am.
- -We're too easy to find.
- -Buffy!
- Wil, how is he?
Buffy: Wil?
- I think I've slowed the bleeding, but--
- Okay. Okay, just-- just give me a minute.
- -Dawn, down!
- -Oh!
Principal: Do you think, uh, "colorful" is the word? Not, uh, dismal?
Buffy: Wasn't that bad.
Principal: You burned down the gym.
Buffy: I did. I really did, but... but you're not seeing the big picture here. I mean that gym was full of vampi... Uh, asbestos.
[Spike offers Buffy his flask]
Buffy: Eww.
Spike: It's not blood. It's bourbon.
Buffy: Ewww.
Buffy: Spike is the strongest warrior we have. And we are gonna need him if we're gonna come out of this thing alive. If you try anything again, he'll kill you. More importantly, I'll let him.
Buffy: Zippo. Patrol's been totally uneventful. My kill count's way down.
Willow: [to Tara] She means there's been less bad-guy activity.
Rupert: We know what that often indicates.
Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota. Bad Slayer.
Buffy: Sorry, I don't jump through hoops on command. I've never really been one to toe the line.
Xander: She must be right. We must have some kind of amnesia.
Buffy: I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it. I bathe quite often!
Xander: How do you explain this?
Buffy: I don't! I was brought up a proper lady. I-I wasn't meant to understand things. I'm just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me. Possibly a Baron.
Xander: This ain't no tea party, princess. Sooner or later you're gonna have to fight.
Buffy: Fight these low creatures? I'd sooner die.
Buffy: [upon finding Ethan hiding in a box] Look, a box full of farm-fresh chicken.
Riley: Morning, Mrs. Summers. You look great.
Joyce: Oh, thank you, Riley.
[leaves]
Buffy: Suck-up.
Riley: What? it's a nice outfit.
Buffy: Mm-hmm.
Riley: Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why.
Willow: [nailing crosses around her windows] I'm gonna have a hard time explaining this to my dad.
Buffy: You really think it'll bother him?
Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go over to Xander's house just to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas every year.
Buffy: I see your point.
Willow: Although it is worthwhile to see him do the Snoopy dance.
Buffy: Dig this. "The praying mantis can rotate its head a hundred and eighty degrees while waiting for its next meal to walk by." Hah!
[gets only silence]
Buffy: Well, come on, guys... Hah.
Willow: Well, Miss French is sort of big for a bug.
Buffy: I-I have a few questions a-about being the Slayer. What about... love? Not just boyfriend love.
Primitive: You think you're losing your ability to love.
Buffy: I-I didn't say that... Yeah.
Primitive: You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.
Buffy: Does it?
Primitive: You are full of love. You love with all your soul. It's brighter than the fire... blinding. That's why you pull away from it.
Buffy: I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?
Primitive: Only if you reject it. Love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain. Love, give, forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift.
Buffy: [confused] What?
Angel: You still haven't told me what you wanted for your birthday.
Buffy: Surprise me.
Angel: Okay. I will.
[kisses Buffy]
Buffy: This is nice. I like seeing you first thing in the morning.
Angel: It's bedtime for me.
Buffy: Well, then I like seeing you at bedtime. Um... Um, heh... Y-you know what I mean.
Angel: I think so. What do you mean?
Buffy: I like seeing you. The part at the end of the night where we say goodbye?... It's getting harder.
Angel: Yeah... It is.
Spike: So, where's tall, dark, and forehead?
Buffy: Let me guess... You can smell him?
Spike: Yeah. That, and I also used my enhanced vampire eyeballs to watch you *kissing* him.
Buffy: It was... a hello
Spike: Most people don't use their tongues to say hello- Or I guess they do, but...
Buffy: There were no tongues. Besides, he's gone.
Holden: Oh, my God!
Buffy: Oh, your God, what?
Holden: Oh, well, you know, not my God, because I defy him and all of his works. Does he exist? Is there word on that, by the way?
Buffy: Nothing solid.
[Buffy is commenting on a kung fu movie]
Buffy: Oh, give me a break! Uh! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, like, a flying kick, then you would take out the little ones, bam, bam! See? Now with the flying kick. From a dead stop. What's powering it? Raw enthusiasm?
Rupert: Having a problem.
Buffy: What is it?
Rupert: I-I can't read.
Buffy: What do you mean? You can read, like, three languages.
Rupert: Five, actually, on a normal day, but the words here aren't making sense.
Buffy: The funeral was... It was brutal. But it's tomorrow that I'm worried about.
Angel: What's tomorrow?
Buffy: That's exactly what I don't know. Up until now, I've had a road map, things to do every minute, having to do with mom.
Angel: Tomorrow, the stuff of everyday living resumes.
Buffy: And everybody expects me to know how to do it, because I'm "so strong."
Angel: You just need some time. I'm sure everybody understands that.
Buffy: Time's not the issue. I can stick wood in vampires, but Mom was the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better, just what to say.
Angel: Yeah. You'll find your way. I mean, not all at once, but in...
Buffy: I don't know. I keep thinking about it... when I found her. If I had just gotten there ten minutes earlier...
Angel: You said they told you it wouldn't have mad a difference.
Buffy: They said "probably" it wouldn't have made a difference. The exact thing they say was "probably." I haven't told that to anyone.
Angel: Doesn't make it your fault. Couldn't have done anything different.
Buffy: [sighs] I didn't even *start* CPR until they told me. I fell apart. That's how good I am at being a grown-up.
Angel: Buffy...
Buffy: And it'd be okay if it was just me I had to worry about... but Dawn...
Angel: Look, it's okay. I know you don't feel like it now, but you are strong, Buffy. You're gonna figure this out... and you have people to help you. You don't have to do this alone.
Buffy: It's gonna be light soon...
Angel: I can stay in town as long as you want me.
Buffy: How's forever? Does forever work for you...? That's a bad idea. I'm seriously needy right now.
Angel: Let me worry about the neediness. I can handle it.
[they start to kiss then with more passion but finally stop]
Buffy: I told you... You'd better go.
Angel: [sighs] I'm sorry.
Buffy: No... I'm *so* grateful that you came, Angel. I didn't think I was gonna be able to make it through the night...
Angel: Well, we still have a few more minutes until I have to go.
Buffy: Good...
[leans on his chest]
Buffy: Good.
Rupert: Ho-How did you know it was me?
Buffy: Your eyes... You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me.
[first lines]
Buffy: [voice over] One night after supper, the lead dog turned up a snowshoe rabbit. The dog lay down low to the race, his body flashing forward, leap by leap.
Buffy: [voice over] He was sounding the deeps of his nature, and the parts of his nature...
Willow: [reading] "... that were deeper than he, going back into the wombs of time. The rabbit could not..."
[werewolf Oz jumps at the bars in the cage]
Willow: Okay. Uh, maybe we should try a less stimulating passage.
[Giles is in charge of the school talent show]
Buffy: Giles, into every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
Rupert: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated or at least, um... helped.
Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch.
Xander: And mock.
Willow: And laugh.
Kendra: So, you believe dat Spike is attempting to revive dis Drusilla to health?
Rupert: Yes, well, I-I-I think that's the, uh, the dark power that your-your Watcher re-referred to. You see, uh, you see Drusilla's not only evil, she's, uh, well, she's also quite mad, and-and-and if she is restored to her full health, then, uh, well, there's no, absolutely no telling what she might do.
Kendra: Den we will stop Spike.
Buffy: Ooh, good plan! Let's go! *Charge*!
Rupert: Buffy...
Buffy: [to Kendra] It's a little more complicated than that, John Wayne.
Rupert: Yes, I'm, um, I'm afraid it is. You see, Spike has also called out the Order of Taraka to keep Buffy out of the way.
Kendra: De assassins? I read of dem in de writings of Dramius.
[last lines]
Angel: You still my girl?
Buffy: Always.
Riley: Well, hey! Willow. And Xander, right? Jeez, what are the chances, huh? Yeah, I was just passing by and I thought I heard people inside.
Willow: You were just passing by in you G.I. Joe outfit?
Buffy: No offense, but you do look wicked conspicuous.
Willow: So... that's it?
Buffy: That's it. Assuming we survive this Ascension thing, he's gonna leave town.
Willow: Well, he's a fool. He-he's just a big, dumb, jerk person. If you ask me. And-And he's a-a super-maxi jerk for doing it right before the prom.
Buffy: That's not his fault. He's 243 years old. He doesn't exactly get the prom.
Willow: But, he should. If he...
Buffy: Wil, it's okay. You don't have to make him the bad guy.
Willow: But, that's the best friend's job, vilifying and grousing.
Buffy: Usually, yeah. But he's right. I mean, I think... maybe, in the long run, that he's right.
Willow: Yeah. I think he is. I mean, I tried to hope for the best, but... I'm sorry. Must be horrible.
Buffy: I think horrible is still coming. Right now, it's worse. Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying.
[starts crying]
Willow: Oh, Buffy.
Buffy: I can't breathe, Wil. I feel like I can't breathe.
Buffy: Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a... third unmeshable thing.
Buffy: What are you guys talking about?
Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
Buffy: He's not my boyfriend. Really, truly, he's... I don't know.
[to Xander]
Buffy: Are we cool?
Xander: Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal... But I trust you.
Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record.
Blood: What are you doing?
Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files. Candidate for what?
Blood: I'm calling the police.
Buffy: [rips phone off wall] Now, you've got a whole bunch of candidates here. I wonder if any of them are missing like Rickie... Gosh, I bet they are.
Blood: You're getting yourself in a lot of trouble.
Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I just wanna be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one. Instead, I keep getting trouble, which I am more than willing to share.
Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah. 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow.
Willow: Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a "meow" before.
[watching Xander dig]
Anya: Soon he'll be sweating... I'm imagining having sex with him again.
Buffy: Imaginary Xander is quite the machine.
Rupert: It's definitely all boys' clothes. Why would a girl pack these?
Buffy: How about this one? What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse... and doesn't even pack lipstick?
Spike: Were you there with me?
Buffy: I was.
Spike: What does that mean?
Buffy: I don't know. Does it have to mean something?
Spike: No. Not right now.
[last lines]
Buffy: Faith, you don't get it. You killed a man.
Faith: No, *you* don't get it... I don't care.
Buffy: [as The First] Oh, no. Ow! Mommy, this mortal wound is all... itchy. You pulled a nice trick. You came pretty close to smacking me down. What more do you want?
Buffy: [through gritted teeth] I want you...
[sits up]
Buffy: ... to get out of my face.
[stands up]
Buffy: So, any breakthroughs on the identity of Miss Congeniality?
Rupert: Well, I've narrowed it down some.
[Buffy turns and sees a table full of open books]
Buffy: Your definition of narrow is impressively wide.
Buffy: Why doesn't that register with you? Crypt plus vampire equals bad.
Dawn: 'Cause it was Spike.
Buffy: Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is- it is dangerous and... icky.
Dawn: I don't think Spike's icky.
Buffy: Yeah, well, think again, sister... You have a crush on him.
Dawn: No, I don't. It's just...
[laughs]
Dawn: he's got cool hair and he wears cool leather coats and stuff.
[first lines]
Buffy: Okay. One more time. You're the *who*?
Kendra: I'm the Slayer.
Buffy: Nice cover story, but here's a tip. You might wanna try it on someone who's not the real Slayer.
Spike: [repeated] She will come for me. She will come for me.
Buffy: [as The First] No... I won't.
Buffy: You know I didn't do it. The police will figure it out.
Principal: In case you haven't noticed, the police of Sunnydale are deeply stupid... It doesn't matter anyway. Whatever they find, you've proved too much of a liability for this school... These are the moments you wanna savor. You wish time would stop so that you can live them over and over again... You're expelled.
Buffy: You never, ever got a single date in high school, did you?
Principal: Your point being?
[Buffy silently exits, and then Principal Snyder makes a call]
Principal: [into the phone] It's Snyder. Tell the Mayor I have good news.
Spike: Drink?
Buffy: A world of no... So, any idea what's causing this?
Spike: Oh... So that's all. You've just come to pump me for information?
Buffy: What else would I wanna pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I?
Quentin: Congratulations again.
Buffy: Bite me!
Quentin: Yes, well... colorful girl.
Angel: Hey... I was wondering when you were coming.
Buffy: I'm not coming back... We're not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason... What I want from you I can never have. You don't need me to take care of you anymore. So I'm gonna go.
Angel: I don't accept that.
Buffy: You have to.
Angel: Look... There's gotta be some way we can still see each other.
Buffy: There is. Tell me that you don't love me.
Spike: I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks.
Buffy: Oh, make a move. Please. I'm *dying* for a good slay.
[watching Anya and Dawn doing a happy dance at the cash register]
Xander: I'm gonna marry that girl.
Buffy: What? She's 15 and my sister, so don't eve-
[realizes who he means]
Buffy: Oh.
Buffy: Um, I'll be back in a minute.
Willow: Oh, th-that's okay. You don't have to come back.
Buffy: I'll be back in a minute.
[Buffy, spelled to think she is an 18th century woman]
Buffy: A demon! A demon! A demon!
Willow: It's not a demon. It's a car.
Buffy: What does it want?
Buffy: You ever heard the expression, "biting off more than you can chew?"
[he shakes his head no]
Buffy: Okay. Um, how about the expression, "Vampire Slayer?"
Vampire: What the hell you talkin' about?
Buffy: Wow, never heard that one. Okay, how about, "Oh, God, my leg, my leg?"
[he attacks her and she breaks his leg]
Vampire: Oh, God, my leg!
Buffy: See? Now we're communicating.
[Buffy breaks the door to get into the Magic Shop]
Riley: You shouldn't have done that to the door.
Buffy: I do *not* have time to play by the rules tonight.
Riley: I have a master key. It opens every shop on Main Street.
Buffy: Oh... Well, next time. Absolutely.
Xander: Robots are the strangest people.
Buffy: No... *People* are the strangest people. I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone. It's, like... I don't need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.
Xander: Well, I'll say this. She's a pretty cool person to be alone with.
Spike: What's happening?
General: Miss Summers. Agent Finn reported that you tried to contact him earlier today.
Buffy: I knew it!
[to Spike]
Buffy: Government conspiracy.
General: He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We're to provide you anything you need to help with "assface" here.
[Buffy and Spike stare at him]
General: Those were his exact words, ma'am.
[Buffy has been thrown into a sewer system containing growling monsters]
Buffy: Great. This is just what my reputation needs. That I did it with the entire swim team.
Buffy: You're quite the regimental soldier.
Riley: I am how they trained me.
Buffy: They? Who they?
Riley: You know, the government. Plucked me out of Special-Op training for this.
Buffy: What did they tell you it was for?
Riley: Didn't. In the military, you learn to follow orders. Not ask questions.
Buffy: I don't understand. Aren't you curious about all the science and research stuff they're doing?
Riley: I know all I need to know. We're doing good here. Protecting the public. Removing the subterrestrial threat... It's work worth doing.
[having just netted Buffy]
Buffy: This is... This is ridiculous.
Xander: Buffy, this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Buffy: Not yet, but it will.
Buffy: This'll probably go faster if we split up.
Lily: Can I come with you?
Buffy: Okay, where did I lose you on the whole splitting up thing?
Dawn: So, I took a look inside that emergency bag of Principal Wood's.
Buffy: And?
Dawn: Smelled weird. Kinda like Grandma's closet, but worse.
Buffy: I didn't know that was possible.
Wesley: As I'm sure none of us is anxious to waste any time on pleasantries... why don't you tell me everything about last night's patrol.
Buffy: Vampires.
Wesley: Yes?
Buffy: Killed 'em.
[last lines]
Buffy: [voice-over] Dawn, listen to me. Listen... I love you. I will *always* love you. But this is the work that I have to do... Tell Giles that... tell Giles I figured it out, and, and I'm okay... And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world... is to live in it... Be brave. Live. For me.
Spike: Meet my friend?
Buffy: No. Not yet. But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous.
Spike: [sighs] Is it working?
Buffy: A little... It doesn't change anything, but if-if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts.
Spike: I'm sorry. Or, good!
Buffy: You play for kittens?
Spike: [to the demons] So, who's gonna advance me a tiny tabby, get me started?
[all ignore him]
Spike: Come on. Someone's got to stake me.
Buffy: I'll do it.
[Spike looks at her]
Buffy: What? You thought I was just gonna let that lie there?
Buffy: Giles was the librarian at my high school.
Riley: [to Giles] Ah. I've seen the library. It's gone downhill since you left.
Buffy: Taking on the undead doesn't exactly do wonders for your social life.
[watching Coach Marin being devoured by his 'team']
Buffy: Those boys really love their coach.
Buffy: Anya, when you were a demon, you granted wishes, right?
Anya: Vengeance wishes on ex-boyfriends. I'd wish he was a dog, or ugly, or in love with President McKinley or something.
Buffy: But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's possible?
Anya: Sure, alternate realities. You could, uh, could have like a world without shrimp, or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make like a-a freaky world where Jonathan's, like, some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.
Rupert: It'll be dark soon... I think it would be wise for you to leave Sunnydale.
Spike: I'm not going anywhere... not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.
Xander: Sure, just explain to the nice scientist guys that you *really* miss killing and torturing innocent people.
Spike: You think that would work?
Rupert: Spike, Lord knows why I'm telling you this. It's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here.
Buffy: No... It's not safe for any of us.
Buffy: [to The First] You ever considered a cool name? I mean, since you're incorporeal and basically powerless. How about the Taunter?
Xander: Hey, Buffy... Where... Where are you?
Buffy: At table four, apparently.
Anya: Well, that remains to be seen, like you.
Buffy: Don't strain yourself looking, Xander. I'm Invisible Girl.
Joyce: Don't worry about school, honey. If we can't get you back into Sunnydale, maybe we can swing private school.
Buffy: Private school? You mean like jackets and kilts? You want me to get field hockey knees?
Joyce: It's not that bad.
Buffy: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore.
Joyce: We'll work something out. Okay? Say hi to Willow?
Buffy: I went to Angel's last night... and Faith was there. They looked sort of... intimate.
Willow: No way. I know what you're thinking, and no way!
Buffy: You're right. Faith would never do that.
Willow: Faith would totally do that. Faith was *built* to do that. She's the "Do that" girl.
Buffy: Comfort, remember? Comfort here.
Willow: I mean, please. Does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see... Is he breathing?
Buffy: Actually, no.
Darla: Who the hell are you?
Buffy: You mean there's actually somebody in this town who doesn't know already? That's a relief. I'm tell you, having a secret identity in this town is a job of work.
Willow: And I will, therefore, fix it. I got her head back on, didn't I? And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.
Buffybot: Oh, who's there?
Xander: You know, if we want her to be exactly...
Spike: She'll never be exactly.
Xander: I know.
Tara: The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.
Giles: And she's gone.
Buffybot: If-we-want-her-to-be-exactly-she'll-never-be-exactly-I-know-the-only-really-real-Buffy-is-really-Buffy-and-she's-gone who?
Buffy: Try looking under things that can turn their heads all the way around.
Rupert: Nothing human can do that.
Buffy: No. Nothing human... But, there are some insects that can... Whatever she is, I'm gonna be ready for her.
Rupert: What are you going to do?
Buffy: My homework.
Buffy: You know, I really think the thrall has gone out of our relationship.
Buffy: Now, remember, if you see anything strange or, you know... dead.
Dawn: I got it.
Buffy: And-And stay away from hyena people, or, uh, any lizard-type athletes, you know, or-or if you see anyone that's invisible...
Dawn: Hey, Buffy. I think it's pretty safe to say I'm not going to see anybody that's invisible.
Buffy: You know, you could still drop out. Only nerds finish high school.
Dawn: You know, I don't really think it's fair for you to try and scare me on my first day of high school. 'Cause it is *so* redundant.
[first lines]
Spike: Bleedin' crime is what it is. Jackin' up the bar price to pay for fixin' up this sinkhole. Not my fault the insurance doesn't cover "Act of Troll."
Buffy: Gee. Maybe it's time you found a new place to patronize.
Spike: I've half a mind to, especially since the flowering onion got remodeled right off the soddin' menu. That's the only thing this place had going for it.
[after the spell has been broken]
Buffy: Hi, honey, I'm home.
[beats up Spike]
Buffy: You know what? It's good to be me.
Buffy: You would just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you?
Xander: I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a *reason*.
Cordelia: I ran. I think I made it through three counties before I realized nobody was chasing me. Not too brave.
Buffy: It was the right thing to do.
Xander: Guys, guess what happened.
Willow: Buffy got a date!
Xander: No, *I* did!
[looks at Buffy]
Xander: Fine way to steal my thunder.
Buffy: Sorry. If it makes you feel better, it's Principal Wood, and I think he's aligned with The First.
Xander: Also, like ten years older than you, right?
Willow: Which is like 100 years younger than your type.
Buffy: Yay. Someone who doesn't remember the Industrial Revolution.
Buffy: We don't say "Indian."
Rupert: Oh-oh, right! Yes, yes. Um, always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as "Bloody Colonials."
[watching the mayor address the school]
Buffy: My God. He's gonna do the entire speech.
Willow: Man, just ascend already.
Buffy: Evil.
Angel: What I saw didn't add up to three whole girls. I think they kept some parts.
Buffy: Could this get yuckier?
Willow: They probably kept the other parts to eat.
Buffy: Question answered.
[there are two Xanders]
Buffy: They're kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
[last lines]
[Faith puts a device in her hand and grasps Buffy's hand, and there is a flash before Faith is knocked out]
Joyce: [entering] You okay?
Buffy: All things considered.
Joyce: [regarding device in Buffy's hand] What is that?
Buffy: Weapon of some kind.
[drops and crushes it]
Buffy: Didn't work, whatever it was.
Joyce: Oh, the police.
Buffy: She's their problem now.
Joyce: You sure you're okay?
Buffy: Five by five.
Rupert: Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office. One-One assumes it is entirely legal?
[Buffy and Willow speak at once]
Buffy: Of course.
Willow: Entirely.
Rupert: Right. Wasn't here... didn't see it... couldn't have stopped you.
Willow: What do you mean, check him out?
Buffy: I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets. Hack into his life.
Xander: Can you say "overreaction"?
Buffy: Can you say "sucking chest wound"?
Glory: You're just a mortal. You couldn't understand my pain.
Buffy: Then I'll just have to settle for causing it.
Prof. Riegert: Do you understand? You are sucking energy from everyone in this room. They came here to learn. Get out.
Buffy: I didn't mean to... suck.
[Buffy is invisible]
Xander: Uh, sorry! Her clothes are, uh, invisible... too. Buffy, how did this hap... Wait a sec. Have you been feeling ignored lately?
Buffy: Yeah, ignored. I wish. No, this isn't a Marcie deal. I don't know what happened. I left Main Street after getting my hair cut and was...
Anya: You cut your hair?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Anya: Really? How short?
Buffy: Um, about up to here. Well-Well, if you could see my hand, it's kind of above my shoulders.
Anya: Ahh, that sounds so adorable. I was thinking about getting my hair cut before the wedding.
Xander: Can we get back to freaking out about no-show Buffy? This is serious.
Tony: Hey, what do ya say we slip in the back room and I show you my...
Buffy: You finish that sentence, and I guarantee you won't have *anything* to show.
Willow: See? It-It's a battery-operated back massager. And-And it's portable so you can take it with you on patrol.
Buffy: Uh-huh
Willow: It's like, instant gratification for all your little acheys.
[Spike smirks at Buffy]
Buffy: Great! Thanks. Uh, what's next?
Spike: And you did it. Fulfilled your mission. Found the Holy Grail or the Holy Hand Grenade, or whatever the hell that is.
Buffy: Right now, we're going with scythe. You like?
Spike: Well, pointy and wooden is not exactly the look I want to know better, but it does have flair.
Buffy: Seeing Angel in LA... even for 5 minutes... Hello to the pain.
Willow: The pain is not a friend.
Wesley: [to Buffy] Well... hello.
Buffy: [to Giles] New Watcher?
Rupert: New Watcher.
Wesley: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce.
[sticks out his hand which Buffy ignores]
Wesley: It's very nice to meet you.
Buffy: [to Giles] Is he evil?
Wesley: Evil?
Buffy: The last one was evil.
Wesley: Oh, yes. Gwendolyn Post. We all heard. No. Mr. Giles has checked my credentials rather thoroughly and phoned the Council, but I'm glad to see you're on the ball as well... A good Slayer is a cautious Slayer.
Buffy: [to Giles] Is he evil?
Rupert: Not in the strictest sense of the...
Wesley: Well, I'm glad that's cleared up.
Spike: Oh, look. Jonathan. Taking the little sidekick out for a walk, are we?
Buffy: Shut up, Spike.
Spike: Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, semi-harsh language from Betty. You're feisty when big guy's standing beside you. Someday, sweet Slayer, I would love to take you on... see you face the evil alone for once.
[Jonathan slams Spike up against the crypt wall]
Jonathan: That's enough of the creepy small talk. We're looking for a monster.
Spike: Why would I know about that?
Jonathan: Every demon in this town's gunning for you right now, so I figure you're probably keeping pretty good track of 'em. Big arms, mark on its head. Have you seen it?
Spike: No, but then again, I'm probably lying.
Angel: You know, I never properly thanked you... for sending me to Hell.
Buffy: No...
Angel: Oh, yeah, and I'm just wonderin'. Where do I start? A card? Fruit basket, hmm? Evisceration?
Eddie: Did you , uh, lose your way?
Buffy: Me? Oh, no, no, no. I'm just going to Fischer Hall which I know is on the Earth planet... Recently voted "Most pathetic," uh-huh.
Eddie: Mmm, well, I'm lost, and I have a map, so...
Buffy: Oh! I come in second.
Cordelia: Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker.
Buffy: Dead?
Cordelia: Totally dead. Way dead.
Xander: So not just a little dead then?
Rona: They told me I'd be safe here.
Buffy: Right. Well, you are. I mean, you will be... safer... with me around.
Rona: That's good.
Buffy: Next time you're attacked...
Rona: Whoa, whoa. Next time? You sayin' I'm gonna get attacked again?
Buffy: Welcome to the Hellmouth.
Rupert: The vampire is not dead?
Buffy: No, but my social life is on the critical list.
[first lines]
Buffy: [to a vampire] We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Buffy, and you're history!
Buffy: I know you wish I were different.
Joyce: Oh, Buffy, no...
Joyce: But I wish I could be a lot of things for you. A great student, a star athlete, remotely normal... I'm not.
Willow: After a couple of days they're useless. They're gonna need something really fresh.
Buffy: How fresh?
Willow: As fresh as possible... Buffy, you don't think that they would...
Buffy: I think anyone who cuts dead girls into little pieces does not get the benefit of any doubt.
[last lines]
Buffy: Fine. Okay. I'm the bad. I can take my lumps... for a while.
Willow: Alright. I'll stop giving you a hard time... runaway.
Buffy: Will!
Willow: I'm sorry... quitter.
Buffy: Whiner.
Willow: Bailer.
Buffy: Harpy.
Willow: Delinquent.
Buffy: Tramp.
Willow: Bad seed.
Buffy: Witch.
Willow: Freak.
Buffy: Hi, Oz!
Oz: Hi.
Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
Oz: But you're not a rat... so call it an upside.
[first lines]
[It's a dark evening. Lamps dimly illuminate the graveyard as Buffy crouches, alert, surveying from atop a crypt. Sensing something, she stands, then leaps down from the crypt and runs, stopping over a fresh grave. Looking down, a pair of arms suddenly jut up from the grave. Not waiting, she stabs her stake through the earth, killing the vampire before it can finish rising from the ground. Nearby, another vampire rapidly escapes his grave. Buffy rushes over and commences battle, ducking its first swing and landing several blows with her fists and feet. Another kick sends the vampire reeling twenty yards away. It stands, but is grabbed and tossed aside by...]
Buffy: Riley?
Riley: Buffy! What are you doin' here?
Buffy: [implying obviousness] My job.
Riley: Well, I just thought you were in the North sector.
Buffy: Watch out!
[the vampire lunges back at Riley. Riley ducks the blow, kicks the back of its knee, blocks its arm and twists it behind its back. He then hurls it surprisingly high at a nearby crypt, taking its top stonework in the gut before falling to the ground]
Buffy: Nevermind.
[still stunned, Riley punches it once more in the face before staking it in the heart. Another vamp rises. Buffy starts to leap into action when Spike suddenly tackles it]
Buffy: Why do I even bother to show up?
[Spike blocks several blows with martial-arts moves]
Buffy: Spike, what are you doing here?
Spike: Same reason as you and your Cub Scout here, I wager.
[Spike lands four more blows on the latest vamp]
Spike: Wanted a spot of violence before bedtime.
[Spike smiles at his quip, but it doesn't last long as the vamp takes advantage of his distraction, landing a major blow that sends him in a head-over-heels flip, earning Spike a bloody nose. Dazed, Buffy rushes in, pushes Spike aside, and stakes the vamp]
Spike: Phew.
[Buffy turns and gives Spike an out-of-patience look. Spike wipes his nose and sucks the blood off his fingers]
Spike: What? I softened him up.
Buffy: Better keep out of my way, Spike. I'm not going to take this much longer.
Spike: And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting... cunning sweater sets?
Buffy: Would it keep you out of my way?
Riley: She's right. You shouldn't be out here when she's patrolling.
[Buffy gives Riley a look of "You're a fine one to talk."]
Spike: Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy is entirely welcome. You should take him home, Slayer. Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow.
Mayor: Well, I wish you kids the best, I really do, but, uh, if you don't mind a bit of fatherly advice, I, uh, I-I just don't see much of a future for you two. I don't sense a lasting relationship. And not just because I plan to kill the both of you, but you got a bumpy road ahead.
Buffy: I don't think we need to talk about this.
Mayor: [chuckles] God! You-You kids, you know... you don't like to think about the future, you don't like to make plans, but unless you want Faith over there to gut your friend like a sea bass, you will show a little *respect* for your elders.
Angel: You're not my elder. I got a lot of years over you.
Mayor: Yeah, and that's just *one* of the things you're gonna have to deal with. You're immortal. She's not. It's not easy. I married my Edna Mae in aught three, and I was with her right until the end. Not a pretty picture... Wrinkled and senile and cursing me for my youth. Wasn't our happiest time... And let's forget the fact that any moment of true happiness will turn you evil.
[scoffs]
Mayor: I mean, come-come on, what kind of a life can you offer her? I don't see a lot of Sunday picnics in the offing. I see skulking in the shadows, hiding from the sun. She's a blossoming young girl and you wanna keep her from the life she should have till it's passed her by. And, by God, I think that's a little selfish... Is that what you came back from Hell for? Is that your greater purpose?
Buffy: All right, talk. What's the deal?
Spike: Simple. You let me and Dru skip town, I help you kill Angel.
Joyce: [to Buffy] Angel, your boyfriend?
Buffy: Forget about Drusilla. She doesn't walk.
Spike: There's no deal without Dru.
Buffy: She killed Kendra!
Spike: Dru bagged a slayer? S-She didn't tell me! Hey, good for her!
[sees Buffy's angry look]
Spike: Though not from your perspective, I suppose.
[doing research on how to help Angel]
Buffy: Are you sure this is how you wanna spend your Christmas vacation?
Xander: Yeah, this is actually the most exciting thing I've got planned. Who else can claim that pathetic a social life?
Willow: [entering] Hey, guys. What are we doing?
Buffy: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something sluty to wear tonight.
Willow: So Scabby Demon got away?
Buffy: Scabby Demon number two got away. Scabby Demon number one, big check in the "slay" column.
Willow: I don't like this whole 'no mouth' thing. It's disquieting.
Buffy: Well, no mouth means no teeth... Unless they have them somewhere else...
[Spike attacks a group that Buffy is fighting]
Buffy: What the hell are you doing?
Spike: I thought they were demons.
Buffy: Way to go with the keen observy-ness, Jessica Fletcher.
Buffy: So then, after the scorpion, the demon opened my mouth and sucked some kind of weird light out of me. A-And the worst part? I wake up and there's Kathy staring at me like I'm some kind of freak.
Oz: Well, actually, the worst part? I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your throat.
Willow: Me too. I would vote for that, too.
Kendra: Tank you for the shirt. It was very generous of you.
Buffy: Hey, it looks better on... well, me, but no worries.
Angel: You know, I started it, the whole "having a soul," before it was all the cool new thing.
Buffy: Oh, my God. Are you twelve?
[last lines]
Rupert: Oh, bloody hell. The inscription.
Buffy: What's the matter?
Rupert: I should've translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
Buffy: What's it say?
Rupert: Actual size.
Ted: So, Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block tryin' to get a date with you.
Buffy: Not really.
Willow: Oh, they are, but she's only interested in...
[Buffy elbows her]
Willow: Uh, her studies! Book-cracker Buffy. It's kind of her nickname.
Willow: Why is she so Evita-like?
Buffy: I think it's the hair.
Willow: It weighs heavy on the cerebral cortex.
[Professor Walsh running a testing mission at night]
Professor: Lights...! Took the patrol team 42 minutes to track you. And you neutralized them in 28 seconds.
Buffy: I was just lucky.
Professor: I see. Well, still. Very impressive.
[leaves]
Buffy: [to Riley] I was just being modest with the whole lucky thing. You got that, right?
Riley: I got it.
Graham: Awesome, Buffy.
Forrest: Pfft!
Riley: See? You're a hit. Everybody loves you.
[last lines]
Buffy: You know, you go on ahead. I... I think I'm gonna go take a walk.
Willow: Are you sure?
Buffy: Yeah.
Buffy: Dawn, get the Potentials upstairs and break out that emergency kit.
Dawn: What are you going to do?
Buffy: I'm declaring an emergency.
Buffy: Well I'm sure my incredible patheticness softened the blow for you.
Riley: I don't know what you're talking about.
Buffy: Riley, please don't patronize...
Riley: Hey! You want me to say that I *liked* seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that... burger smell is appealing?
Buffy: You smelled the smell?
Riley: Buffy, none of that means anything. It doesn't touch you. You are still the first woman I ever loved... and the strongest woman I have ever known. Now I'm not advertising this to the missus... but you're still quite the hottie.
Buffy: You know, it goes away after many bathings.
Riley: [chuckles] This isn't about who's on top. I know how lucky I am right now. I love my work, and I love my wife.
Buffy: I know... And I kinda love her too.
Riley: And so you're not in the greatest place right now... And maybe I made it worse.
Buffy: No.
Riley: The wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You're up. You're down... It doesn't change what you are, and you are a hell of a woman.
Buffy: It's not your fault. You're not the one doing this.
Spike: I already did it. It's already done... You wanna know what I've done to girls Dawn's age...? This is me Buffy. You've gotta kill me before I get out.
Buffy: We can keep you locked up. We'll keep you here, and we'll figure out...
Spike: Have you ever really asked yourself why you can't do it? Off me? After everything I've done to you, to people around you... It's not love. We both know that.
Buffy: You fought by my side. You've saved lives, you've helped...
Spike: Don't do that. Don't rationalize this into some noble act. 'Cause we both know the truth of it... You like men who hurt you.
Buffy: No.
Spike: You need the pain we cause you. You need the hate. You need it to do your job, to be the Slayer.
Buffy: No! I don't hate like that. Not you, or myself. Not anymore.
[last lines]
Buffy: Ta-dah! Just little old 20th-century me.
Angel: Sure you're okay?
Buffy: I'll live.
Angel: I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way?
Buffy: I just wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age.
Angel: Oh...
Buffy: "Oh" what?
Angel: I hated the girls back then. Especially the noble women.
Buffy: You did?
Angel: They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone... exciting... Interesting.
Buffy: Really? Interesting... how?
Angel: You know how.
Buffy: Still, I had a really hard day, and you should probably tell me.
Angel: You're right. I should.
Buffy: Definitely.
Buffy: It's just... different, you know? A picnic. First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffy-wise. And the best part... he said that he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at.
Willow: So, he's nice?
Buffy: Very, very.
Willow: And there's sparkage?
Buffy: Yeah. He's... Have you seen his arms? Those are... good arms to have.
Buffy: People to see... demons to kill.
Xander: But you know what really bugs me? Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were *ever* gonna kiss.
Willow: Darn tootin'.
Xander: And they burst in rescuing us, without even *knocking*? I mean, this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does *not* resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.
[last lines]
Spike: And my robot?
Buffy: The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene.
Spike: It wasn't supposed to...
Buffy: Don't. That... thing, it... it wasn't even real... What you did for me and Dawn, that was real... I won't forget it.
[thinking of possible murder scenarios]
Willow: Or... Or maybe an ear-harvesting demon that... It's, like, building another demon completely out of ears. Or... ooh. Thought. We're-We're just assuming someone else cut off the ear. What if it was self-inflicted, like van Gogh?
Buffy: So, she brutally stabbed herself, dumped the body, and then cut off her own ear?
Willow: No. She cut off her ear, then killed herself, then dumped the body... I'm really off my game, aren't I?
Willow: So you're feeling better about Angel?
Buffy: Well, we talked, then-then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me, and-and then we talked some more.
Willow: See? That's how it should work.
Buffy: I don't suppose you'd be sweeties and attack me one at a time?
Vampire: You watch too many movies.
Buffy: You can never watch too many movies!
Willow: [about the old Sunnydale Mission that was found] Doesn't it make you wonder what else is there, like, right under our feet?
Buffy: Mostly, I've just found sewers full of demons.
Buffy: What do you want?
Angel: The same thing you do.
Buffy: Okay... what do I want?
Angel: To kill 'em. To kill 'em all.
Buffy: Sorry. That's incorrect. But you do get this lovely watch and a year's supply of Turtlewax. What I *want* is to be left alone.
Buffy: You got a nice setup here. But you made one mistake.
Sunday: What was that?
Buffy: Well, I'm not actually positive, but statistically speaking people usually make at least Well, I'm not actually positive, but statistically speaking people usually make at least...
[Sunday punches her]
Rupert: Dr. Ferris Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost, Pre-Germanic language. What he discovered he kept to himself until several teenage boys were murdered in the Cotswolds. Then he went hunting for it.
Buffy: It being...
Rupert: Uh, he calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the kleptes-virgo, or-or-or virgin-thief, appears in-in many cultures... the Greek sirens, the Celtic sea-maidens, who-who tore the living flesh from the bones of, um...
Buffy: Giles, while we're young.
Riley: I don't know what's happened in your past.
Buffy: Pain... death... apocalypse... None of it fun.
Buffy: Oh, it's just money stuff. It turns out Mom left me some, and while I was dead, it got squandered on luxuries, like, food and clothing.
Rupert: How bad is it?
Buffy: Anya says pretty bad. I'm kind of taking her word for it. Actually, I'm kind of trying not to think about it.
Rupert: Sound policy. At least for tonight.
Buffy: Figured I'd put it out of my mind. You know, take a break. Get some perspective... And then, wake up at 4:00 a.m. terrified.
[trying to think of what to get Tara for her birthday]
Xander: Well, candles, maybe, or bath oils of some kind.
Buffy: I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomies, but I think I want me to have it.
Rupert: And you are talking about what on earth?
Buffy: Tara's birthday. We're at a loss.
Rupert: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well, we don't really know the kind of things witches like. I mean, what, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Rupert: You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.
Rupert: You did good work tonight, Buffy.
Buffy: And I got a little toy surprise.
Rupert: [chuckles] Yes... I had no idea that children, en masse, could be... gracious.
Buffy: Every now and then, people surprise you.
Rupert: [looking past her] Every now and then.
Spike: I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you, I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.
Buffy: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.
[after meeting the new Watcher]
Rupert: That was bracing.
Buffy: Interesting lady. Can we kill her?
Rupert: I think the Council might frown upon that.
[last lines]
Dawn: Buffy?
Buffy: Yeah?
Dawn: What's wrong with Mom?
Buffy: I don't know.
Buffy: Are you okay in that?
Willow: [dressed as Vamp Willow] It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe.
[looks down into her low-cut shirt]
Willow: Gosh, look at those!
[in Xander's dream]
Soldier: [Apocalypse Now on TV] We gotta keep goin' men. We gotta take that hill... Damn this war.
Rupert: I have to say, I really feel "Apocalypse Now" is overrated.
Xander: No, no. It gets better.
Soldier: [on TV] Men.
Xander: I remember that it gets better.
Soldier: [on TV] Oh, my God. What's happened to my men? *Aah*!
Buffy: Want some corn?
Xander: Butter flavor?
Buffy: New car smell.
Xander: Cool.
Riley: I squared away the rest of your stuff. Wouldn't even know you ever left.
Buffy: Oh, you're a god. You're like the god of boyfriends.
Riley: Nah, I just like it when you owe me favors.
Buffy: Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits.
Angel: You're not telling me something. The scent. I remember it pretty well.
Buffy: You vampires. Anybody ever tell you the whole smelling people thing's a little gross?
[in Buffy's dream]
Riley: We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffee makers that think.
Buffy: World domination? Is that a good?
Riley: Baby, we're the government. It's what we do.
Buffy: When your blood pours out, it might save the world. What do you think about that? Does it *buy* it all back? Are you redeemed?
Andrew: No.
Buffy: Why not?
Andrew: Because I killed him.
[crying]
Andrew: Because I- I- I listened to Warren, and I pretended I thought it was him, but I knew- I knew it wasn't. And I killed Jonathan, and now, you're gonna kill me, and I'm- I'm scared and I'm going to die... And this... this is- this is what Jonathan felt.
Willow: Did you find out anything about the scythe?
Buffy: It slices, dices, and makes julienne preacher.
Rupert: Caleb?
Buffy: I cut him in half.
Willow: All right!
Anya: He had that coming.
Xander: Hey, party in my eye socket, and everyone's invited.
[everyone stares at Xander]
Xander: Sometimes I shouldn't say words.
Spike: No. Bollocks to the whole thing. I don't need your mollycoddling.
Buffy: It's not coddling... Now go to your closet.
Rupert: It's a reliquary... used to house items of religious significance. Most commonly a finger or some other body part from a saint.
Buffy: Note to self: religion - freaky.
Rupert: Du Lac. Oh dear, oh dear.
Buffy: I hate when you say that.
Buffy: Oh... my God.
Rupert: It's a sombrero.
Buffy: And-And it's on your head.
Buffy: Okay. We got ten, maybe twelve bad guys and one big demon in desperate need of a Stairmaster.
[regarding Riley's wife]
Willow: Just so you know, I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
Buffy: Thanks, but no. I don't wanna seem all petty.
Willow: Well, that's the beauty. You can't, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us.
Buffy: Go nuts.
[in an alley behind the police station]
Buffy: [angrily] What did you do?
Spike: What I had to. I went back and I took care of it. It doesn't matter now. No one will ever find her.
[two cops exit from the front of the police station]
Cop: Where'd they find her?
Cop: The river. She washed up half a mile from the cemetery.
Spike: Oh, balls.
Buffy: Uh, so, did anybody... uh... last night, you know, did anybody, um... burst into song?
[everyone is quiet for a second]
Xander: Merciful Zeus!
Willow: We thought it was just us!
Buffy: Giles, it's one thing to be a watcher and a librarian. They go together, like chicken and... another chicken... or two chickens, or something. you know what I'm saying!
[come to the hole in the ground the monster came out of]
Spike: Think this here's our spot?
Buffy: How'd you guess?
Spike: I don't fancy sticking my head in that.
Buffy: Well, if something bites it off, that'd be a clue.
Principal: Wait, sorry. Chip?
Rupert: Uh, it's a long story.
Buffy: The military put a chip in Spike's head, so he couldn't hurt anyone.
Rupert: And that would be the abridged version.
Richard: Hey. Great party.
Buffy: Hi.
Richard: Everyone's having fun.
Buffy: I hope so.
Richard: I mean, look what time it is, and no one's even thinking about leaving. I know I can't tear myself away.
Buffy: Yeah?
Richard: Yeah. Hey, can I get you a drink?
Buffy: Uh... I-I'm good. Thank you.
Richard: Okay.
Buffy: I think I'll just head back in.
Richard: Well, I'll look for you.
Buffy: Okay.
[Richard walks away and Spike walks up]
Spike: [Making fun of Richard in sing-song] Ooh, Buffy. Can I get you a soda pop? I think I'm in love.
Xander: So, uh, what do we do now?
Rupert: We still have to get to the Bronze.
Angel: Well, even if they're supposed to wait for her they may start feeding. Vampires are not notoriously reliable.
Xander: [Hopefully] So we charge in, much in the style of John Wayne?
Rupert: High casualty risk. I haven't any other plan, though.
Buffy: [Raises her hand] Uh, I have a really bad idea.
Dawn: [signing] Where do we go from here?
Buffy: [singing] Where do we go from here?
Rupert: [singing] The battle's done / And we kind of won
Rupert: [singing] So we sound our victory cheer / Where do we go from here?
Xander: [singing] Why is the path unclear / When we know home is near?
Dawn: [singing] Understand we'll go hand in hand / But we'll walk alone in fear.
Rupert: [singing] Tell me!
Dawn: [singing] Where do we go from here / When does the end appear?
Spike: [scoffs] Bugger this.
Dracula: Do you know why you cannot resist?
Buffy: 'Cause you're famous?
Buffy: It must have been wonderful... to put on some fantabulous gown and go to a ball like a princess... and have horses and servants and yet more gowns.
Faith: Whatcha wanna do to her, vamp? Huh? Somethin' like this?
[punches Spike]
Spike: Nice punch you got there. Lemme guess. Leather pants, nice right cross, doe eyes, holier-than-thou glower, you must be Faith.
Faith: Oh, goodie, I'm famous.
Spike: Told you were coming. Bit of a misunderstanding here. I'm...
Faith: Spike. Yeah, we've met before.
Spike: We have? I don't think we...
[Faith kicks him]
Spike: Bloody hell! What're you doing? I'm on your side.
Faith: Yeah? Maybe you haven't heard. I've reformed.
[punches Spike]
Spike: So have I.
[punches Faith]
Spike: I reformed way before you did.
[Faith punches him]
Spike: Stop...
[Faith punches him again]
Spike: ...hitting...
[punches Faith]
Spike: ... me! We're on the same side.
Faith: Please. Do you think I'm stupid?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Faith: You were attacking that girl.
[punches Spike, Buffy punches Faith]
Buffy: Sorry, Faith. I didn't realize that was you.
Faith: It's alright, B. Luckily you still punch like you used to.
Wesley: Nonetheless, we may as well keep it from them. Buffy, you will go to the Gleaves family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet.
Buffy: I will?
Wesley: [pauses] Are you not used to being given orders?
Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "Please." And afterwards, I get a cookie.
Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? Huh? What did we learn about beer?
Buffy: Foamy!
Xander: Good. Just as long as that's clear.
Anya: [about Xander] Look at him. Have you ever *seen* anything so masculine?
Buffy: Dean Guerrero or his wife?
Willow: I think she means...
[shows Xander in a sleeveless t-shirt as a construction worker]
Buffy: Oh. Very manly. Not at all Village people.
Buffy: Besides, you know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this-this whole thing's just been blown way out of proportion and he's already gone back to wanting me dead.
Willow: Here's hopin'.
Buffy: [looking at a picture] This... This could be me.
Willow: It is you. Buffy, can't you remember at all?
Buffy: No! I, I don't understand any of this! Uh, uh, th... This is some other girl. I would never wear this, that low apparel, and I don't like this place, and I don't like you, and I just wanna go home!
Willow: You *are* home.
[Ghost Indian transforms into a large bear while fighting Buffy]
Spike: A bear! You made a bear!
Buffy: I didn't mean to.
Spike: Undo it! Undo it!
Cordelia: Well, I'll be in Aspen... skiing... with *actual* snow.
Buffy: I hear that helps.
[trying to stall the wedding while Willow searches for Xander]
Buffy: There's just gonna be a little bit of a delay.
Anya: Why? What's wrong?
Buffy: Nothing! Nothing's wrong. It-It's just, um... It's the-the minister. He had, uh, to go and perform an emergency C-section.
Anya: [confused] C-section?
Buffy: Yeah, ya know. He-He's, uh, not-not just a minister. He-He's also a-a doctor. You know, he's half minister, half doctor. He's a-a, uh, a minitor. Not, of course, to be confused with a Minotaur, because he's all, you know, man-ness, doctor minister man. No-no bull parts whatsoever.
Anya: Uh-huh.
Buffy: Beer! Buffy want beer.
Rupert: No. Yo-You can't have beer.
Buffy: Want... beer.
Xander: Giles, don't make Cave-Slayer unhappy.
Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna *make* a girl?
Xander: You mean, when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around?
[last lines]
Buffy: No. It's just I saw that fear in your eyes when you caught me looking at wedding dresses and I *had* to give you a hard time.
Riley: I did not have fear in my eyes.
Buffy: Yes, you did. You were looking at me like I was a cartoon ball and chain.
Riley: So you decided to tell me you're getting married.
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Riley: So... you're insane.
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Riley: But you're still single.
Buffy: Yes.
Riley: Okay then. Just another little piece of the Buffy puzzle.
Buffy: You really have a lot to learn about women, Riley.
Riley: You're gonna teach me.
Buffy: Okay. That was too close for comfort. Not that slaying's ever comfy, but... you know what I mean.
Willow: [threatening to use magic] You've seen what we can do. Another step and you will all feel my power.
Buffy: What are you gonna do, float a pencil at them?
[Buffy and Joyce are decorating their tree, Buffy is zoned out]
Joyce: So, Angel's on top again.
Buffy: What?
Joyce: Angel or star?
Buffy: Oh, uh, star.
Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around. Maybe at school... since we... both... go there.
Buffy: Great! It was nice to meet you.
[leaves]
Xander: [to himself] We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.
[noticing something on the floor]
Xander: Oh. Hey! Hey, you forgot your... stake.
Buffy: Mom, the only way you get a new slayer is when the old slayer dies.
Joyce: Then that means you... When did you die? You never told me you died.
Buffy: No, it-it was just for a few minutes.
[first lines]
Buffy: Spike! Spike wants me. How obscene is that?
Rupert: Well, it is very strange. I mean, I can't imagine what he's thinking. Well, uh, not-not that you're not a-a-attractive.
Buffy: You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in... You came to beg me to let *you* back in... to give your jobs, your lives, some semblance of meaning.
Nigel: This is beyond insolence...
[Buffy throws a sword into the wall next to him]
Buffy: I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions.
Xander: That was excellent.
Buffy: To make you a vampire, they have to suck your blood, and then you have to suck their blood. It's, like, a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you.
[first lines]
[after being chased by a vampire to an isolated area]
Buffy: hanks for the relocate. I perform better without an audience.
[knocks the vampire down]
Buffy: You were thinking, what, a little helpless coed before bed?
[fights the vampire and knows him down again]
Buffy: You know very well, you eat this late...
[stabs vampire in the heart with a stake]
Buffy: ...you're gonna get heartburn... Get it? Heartburn?
[vampire turns to dust without saying anything]
Buffy: [to herself] That's it...? That's all I get...? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for my painstakingly thought-out puns.
- The portal must open up there.
Buffy: Wil, you're up.
- GILES: Need anything?
- Could use a little courage.
- The real kind.
- But thanks.
Buffy: What do we know?
Xander: Dog spit is cleaner than human.
Wesley: Ah. This is perhaps Faith.
Faith: [eyes him] New Watcher?
Buffy: New Watcher.
Faith: Screw that.
[she turns and leaves]
Buffy: [to Giles] Now why didn't I just say that?
Rupert: Eh, Buffy, would you, uh...
Buffy: I'll see if I can get her back.
[to Wesley]
Buffy: Don't say anything incredibly interesting while I'm gone.
[trying to talk Willow out of going to UC Sunnydale for college]
Buffy: There are better schools.
Willow: Sunnydale's not bad... and-and I can design my own curriculum.
Buffy: Okay, well, there are safer schools. There are safer prisons.
Xander: How are you?
Buffy: My sister's about to go to the same high school that tried to kill me for three years, I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what could possibly come out of there. So, peachy with a side of keen. That would be me.
Riley: He started it.
Xander: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might've been Latin.
Rupert: Stop it or you're going to break something.
Buffy: Or I'm going to break something.
Buffy: Kendra, my emotions give me power. They're total assets.
[after watching Buffy slay a vampire, Spike comes out of the shadows, slowly clapping his hands]
Spike: Nice work, love.
Buffy: Who are you?
Spike: You'll find out on Saturday.
Buffy: What happens on Saturday?
Spike: I kill you.
Xander: Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey.
Buffy: Check. No more butt monkey.
Buffy: We need more muscle. That's why we need to find Spike.
Anya: Yeah, he'll help. You know, if he's not crazy or off killing people or dead. Or, you know, all of the above.
Buffy: Look, Gwendolyn Post or whoever she may be, had us all fooled. Even Giles.
Faith: Yeah, well, you can't trust people. I should've learned that by now.
Buffy: I realize this is gonna sound funny coming from someone that just spent a lot of time kicking your face... but you can trust me.
Faith: Is that right?
Buffy: I know I kept secrets, but I didn't have a choice. I'm on your side.
Faith: *I'm* on my side, and that's enough.
Buffy: Not always.
Glory: Hey, we were just talking about you.
Buffy: Conversation's over Hell-bitch.
Buffy: Where's my burger?
Riley: Yeah, man, I'm starving. Cow me.
Xander: The, uh, fire is not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.
Willow: Ignis, incende!
[roaring fire starts in grill]
Buffy: Willow, check you out! Witch-fu!
Willow: It's no big. You just balance the elements so when you affect one, you don't wind up causing...
[a storm rises and they all have to flee]
Willow: I didn't do it! I didn't do it!
Buffy: Order something or go.
Spike: Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn fluorescent lights. They make me look dead.
[another student is scraping at a relic in the Cultural Exchange Exhibit museum]
Buffy: What's he doing?
Xander: Uh, that's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts.
Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
Xander: Yeah. I'm irrational that way.
[last lines]
Joyce: Oh, Buffy. Here. Um, this came in the mail.
Buffy: It's from Ryan.
Joyce: The boy from the hospital?
[Buffy opens the letter and Joyce looks at it]
Joyce: Oh, he drew you a picture. How...
[the picture shows a blonde girl standing over a dead, bloody monster]
Joyce: ...nice.
Buffy: Um, maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is Giles.
Faith: I've seen him. If I'd known they came that young and cute, I would've requested a transfer.
Buffy: Raise your hand if "ew."
Buffy: First Thanksgiving on my own, and we all got through it.
Xander: And you know what? I think my syphilis is clearin' right up.
Buffy: And they say romance is dead. Or maybe they just wish it.
[last lines]
[Spike looks on as Buffy and Angel kiss]
Buffy: [as the First] That bitch.
Buffy: There's no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
Willow: I think I'm gonna barf.
Buffy: Except that.
Buffy: Any tips on the snuffing part?
Rupert: Uh, Carlyle recommends cleaving all body parts with a sharp blade.
Buffy: Slice and dice.
[staring and touching the TV with is turn off]
Buffy: Want people! Where people go?
[Giles wakes up in Xander's basement where everyone spent the night]
Rupert: Must we have the noise? My head is splitting.
[tuns TV off]
Willow: Well, look who's Cranky Bear in the morning.
Rupert: Yes. I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
Anya: Every time you moved, it made squeaky noises. It was irritating.
Rupert: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
Buffy: Okay, you guys. Could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage.
Rupert: I'll bring the weaponry.
Buffy: I'll bring the party mix.
Dawn: I like hanging out with him is all... And even if I did have a crush, he wouldn't notice in a million years. Not with you around.
Buffy: What does that mean?
Dawn: Spike's totally into you... Oh, come on. You didn't notice? Buffy, Spike's completely in love with you.
Buffy: Huh?
Buffy: So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?
Willow: Nothing strenuous.
Xander: Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.
Rupert: I think we can do better than that.
Buffy: I was thinking about shopping, as per usual.
Willow: Oh, there's an "Arden B" in the new mall.
Xander: Oh, good. I could use a few items.
Rupert: Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall?
Buffy: I'm having a wicked shoe craving.
Xander: Aren't you on the patch?
Willow: Those never work.
Buffy: Never.
Rupert: And here I am, invisible to the eye. Not having any vote.
Xander: See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing.
Buffy: Oh! You could go with full black secret-agent look.
Willow: Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash...
Rupert: The Earth is *definitely* doomed.
Buffy: Vampires probably not that big on Christmas, now that I think about it.
Angel: Not as a rule.
Buffy: So that's it, huh? I remember the drill. One slayer dies, next one's called. Wonder who she is... Will you train her... or will they send someone else?
Rupert: Buffy, I...
Buffy: They say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt?
[Angel walks towards her]
Buffy: Don't touch me!... Were you even gonna tell me?
Rupert: I was hoping that I wouldn't have to, that there was some way around it. I...
Buffy: I've got a way around it. I quit.
Rupert: It's not that simple.
Buffy: I'm making it *that* simple. I quit. I resign. I-I'm fired! You can find someone else to stop the Master from taking over.
Rupert: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the signs indicate...
Buffy: The signs? Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You're so useful sitting here with all of your books! You're really a lot of help!
Rupert: No, I don't suppose I am.
Angel: I know this is hard.
Buffy: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die!
Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way.
Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention!
Rupert: Buffy, if the Master rises...
Buffy: I don't care!... I don't care... Giles, I'm 16 years old. I-I don't wanna die.
Buffy: There's something I'm supposed to be doing.
Faith: Oh yeah. Miles to go. Little Miss Muffet counting down from 7-3-0.
Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
Xander: On behalf of my gender, *hey*.
Rupert: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step and there conclusions were.
Willow: Buffy? Wake up.
[Willow is holding a mug]
Willow: Got yummy antidote goodness for you.
Buffy: What happened?
Willow: It took a little longer than I'd hoped. No magic and all. Went boom twice, but then I got it. Just... when it's cool, drink it all down, and... everything should go back to normal.
[Buffy is replacing the bandage on Angel's hand]
Buffy: So mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show," and "Ted's teaching me computers," and "Ted said the funniest thing," and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom," and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.
Angel: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?
Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with. I don't need some new guy in my life.
Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.
Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.
Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.
Angel: [chuckles] Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?
Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?
Buffy: My dad.
[Angel looks at her]
Buffy: Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine. I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?
Angel: Kiss me.
Buffy: Finally something I wanna do!
[last lines]
Willow: So I guess we both made good first steps.
Buffy: I guess.
Willow: Yea for us.
Buffy: Yea.
Angel: Are you mad at me for being around too much or for not being around enough?
Buffy: Duh, yes.
Angel: Which?
Buffy: What?
Angel: I don't get you.
Buffy: No, you don't. Not anymore.
Angel: Are you just making this harder to make this easier on yourself?
Buffy: Can we stop with the brainteasers? I just wish it was over. Done.
Angel: Huh. It's not that simple. Once the mayor...
Buffy: I know. World in peril and we have to work together. This is my last office romance, I'll tell you that.
Angel: You want me out of your face?
[throws down the box of books and starts to walk away]
Buffy: Isn't it even a little hard for you?
Angel: How can you ask me that? Just 'cause I'm not acting like a brat doesn't mean I don't feel anything.
Buffy: It's nice to know what you think of me.
Angel: What do you expect me to say when you just attack?
Buffy: I just can't do this anymore. I can't have you in my life when I'm trying to move o...
[Angel gets shot with an arrow and falls to the ground]
Buffy: Angel!
[first lines]
Joyce: [entering] Is it a vampire?
Buffy: Mom, what are you doing here?
Joyce: I brought you a snack... I thought it was about time for me to come out and watch. Yo-You know, the slaying.
Buffy: You know, the slaying is kind of an alone thing.
Joyce: But it's such a big part of your life, and I'd like to understand it. It's some, you know, something we could share.
Buffy: A-Actually, it's pretty dull, you know. It's... bam boom stick... poof.
Buffy: Dawn, listen to me. Listen.
- I love you.
- I will always love you.
- This is the work that I have to do.
Buffy: Look, if you've been fighting since you were fifteen, you'd have a hefty resume, too.
Riley: Fifteen?
Buffy: I know. Wow. The point is, that-that we have different amounts of experience, you know? And plus, I do have that whole preternatural Slayer strength deal.
Riley: I've seen. Don't get me wrong, the girls I grew up with could hold their own, but... well, I'm not even sure I could take you.
Buffy: That all depends on your meaning.
Buffy: [emerging from the grave] Thought I was dead.
Willow: Buffy, your face.
Buffy: [feeling the transformation] Oh, God...
Xander: Buffy.
Buffy: Don't look at me!
Rupert: [softly] You never told me you dreamt of becoming a vampire.
Buffy: This isn't a dream.
Rupert: No. No, it's not. But there's a chance that we can make it go away. This all comes from Billy. Now, if-if we can only wake him up, I believe that the nightmares will stop and reality will shift back into place. But we must do it now. I need you to hold together long enough to help us. Can you do that?
Buffy: Yeah. I think I can.
Rupert: Thank you.
Buffy: Well, we'd better hurry... 'cause I'm getting hungry.
Buffy: [as Joan] Ready, Randy?
Spike: [as Randy] Ready, Joan.
Buffy: Giles is off on the retreat.
Spike: Give us all a chance for a breather, eh?
Buffy: From Giles?
Spike: From the constant pitter-patter of clomping teenage girlie feet.
Buffy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Spike: Come off it.
Buffy: No, I enjoy my responsibility as mentor, role model, life guide. Oh, my God. I cannot believe I have my bathroom all to myself for two whole days.
Spike: It's like a bloody war zone up there, and not in the good way.
Buffy: Have you seen the kitchen since they've been here?
Buffy: Not too crazy? Those are your credentials?
Mr. Platt: Look, Buffy, any person, grown-up, shrink, Pope, any person who claims to be totally sane is either lying or not very bright. I mean, everyone has problems. Everybody has demons, right?
Buffy: Gotta say I'm with you on that.
Buffy: I want us to spend time.
Dawn: Okay. Good. I love spending time...
Buffy: But I'm cramping your teenage style.
Dawn: No.
Buffy: Yes, I am. I'm the embarrassing mom who tries too hard. When did this happen?
Angelus: You can't do it. You can't kill me.
[kicks him in the groin then turns and starts walking away]
Buffy: [to herself] Give me time.
Joyce: Oh, look. It's, uh, Nigerian. We got a very exciting shipment in at the gallery. I, um, thought I'd hang a few pieces in here. It cheers up the room.
Buffy: It's angry at the room, Mom. It wants the room to suffer.
Buffy: [to Spike] Will you just hold me?
Guardian: We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who...
Buffy: Yeah, met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.
Buffy: Like the kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
Angel: Dike... it's another word for dam.
Buffy: Oh... Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
Angel: Buffy, you know, I'm still figuring things out. There's a lot I don't understand... But I do know it's important to keep fighting. I learned that from you.
Buffy: But we never...
Angel: We never win.
Buffy: Not completely.
Angel: We never will. That's not why we fight. We do it 'cause there's things worth fighting for. Those kids. Their parents...
Buffy: Their parents.
Angel: Look, I know it's not much.
Buffy: No... No, it's a lot.
Buffy: Will, wait. I'm really sorry.
Willow: Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me.
Dawn: When do I get to patrol?
Buffy: Not until you're never.
Cordelia: Come on, Richard and his fraternity brother wanna meet you.
Buffy: Well, I don't really wanna meet any fraternity boys.
Cordelia: And if there was a God, don't you think he'd keep it that way?
Rupert: If your identity as a Slayer is revealed, it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.
Buffy: Well, in that case, I won't wear my button that says "I'm a Slayer. Ask Me How."
[last lines]
Buffy: [as The First] To be honest, I'm getting a little tired of subtle... I think it's about time we brought some authority to our presence. Now, Spike, you wanna see what a real vampire looks like?
[first lines]
Willow: [incanting] Obscurate nos non diutius.
[smoke appears and Buffy and Giles fight and pin the demon to a wall]
Buffy: [to Faith] Now!
[Faith stabs and kills the demon with a sword]
Rupert: I think that was the last.
Buffy: Oh, Willow, you okay?
Willow: Yeah, I'm fine. The-The shaking is-is a side-effect of the fear.
[training, Dawn tried fighting a vampire but Buffy had to step in as it as started to bite her]
Dawn: It's nothing. It's just a scrape... Plus, I had a plan the whole time.
Buffy: Really?
Dawn: Yeah. I planned to get killed, come back as a vampire and bite you.
Buffy: But here, look.
[points to Dawn's necklace]
Buffy: You're Dawn.
Dawn: Or "Umad."
Professor: Oh, I'm, um, quite sure of that... as I'm just as sure we can learn much from each other. I'm working on getting you clearance to come into the Initiative. I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here, alone, has killed or captured... How many is it?
Riley: Seventeen. Eleven vampires, six demons.
Buffy: Oh... Wow. I mean, that's... seventeen.
Professor: What about you?
Buffy: Me?
Professor: How many hostilities would you say you've slain?
[Buffy and Cordelia arrive at the Homecoming Dance disheveled and dirty]
Xander: Oh, God! What did you two do to each other?
Buffy: Long story.
Cordelia: Got hunted.
Buffy: Apparently, not that long.
Professor: You know the rules. You know I hate exceptions, and yet somehow you feel your exception is exceptional.
Willow: Oh, but...
Professor: It is. To you. But since I'm neither a freshman nor a narcissist, I have to consider the whole class. If your friend can't respect my schedule, I think it's best he not come back.
[Willow, looking hurt and miserable, walks off]
Buffy: [walks up to Walsh] You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Professor: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job.
[walks away]
Professor: I like her.
Riley: Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar?
Andrew: I'm... I was about to be dead... You saved me.
Buffy: For the time being. But if you don't tell us what we need to know, then I'm gonna offer you to The First on a platter and let him chop you into tiny pieces.
Andrew: The first what?
Anya: The name of the evil thing that pretended to be Warren to get you to kill Jonathan.
Andrew: Oh. Not very ominous sounding.
Dawn: No, it is if you understand the context.
Andrew: No. An evil name should be like Lex or Voldemort or...
Buffy: Hey! I was intimidating here.
Andrew: Oh. Sorry. Um, go ahead.
Buffy: [sighs] Forget it. Where's the Seal?
Buffy: They're gonna expect me to... to be like a Slayer and-and know stuff, but I'm just me, and-and I don't know anything and they're gonna to go away and they're not gonna tell me how to fight Glory and I'm not gonna be able to protect Dawn.
Rupert: Buffy, calm down. The scandal here is not anything you've done wrong. It's the way *they're* behaving, holding what they know hostage, with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card, no less.
[sighs]
Rupert: It's humiliating.
Buffy: Also smart... They picked the perfect thing... I can't lose you.
Buffy: Uh... the photographs... o-of us... They changed.
Tara: How did they change?
Buffy: They were dead. I-I mean, we were dead, like, um, dead bodies. But-but then they were okay, so I just, you know, figured it was me. I-I was going crazy.
Anya: Well, maybe you are going crazy, from hell.
[Willow and Xander look at her incredulously]
Anya: No, you're fine.
[the gang angrily confronts Buffy on Angel's return]
Buffy: What is this, Demons Anonymous? I don't need an intervention, here.
Rupert: Oh, don't you? You must've known it was wrong seeing Angel or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us.
Buffy: I was going to tell you, I was. It was just that I... I didn't know why he was back. I-I just wanted to wait.
Xander: For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?
Buffy: I'm not going to... we're not together like that.
Oz: But you were kissing him.
Buffy: [to Xander] You were spying on me...? What gives you the right?
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What, you just tripped and *fell* on his lips?
Buffy: It was wrong, okay? I know that, and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me. I would *never* put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone...
Xander: ...you would stop him. Like you did the last time with Ms Calendar?
Spike: You're a tease, you know that, Slayer? Get a fella's motor revin', let the tension marinate a couple of days, then *bam*, crown yourself the ice queen.
Buffy: You need a few more metaphors for that little mix?
Rupert: No, I-I don't see it, Xander. I mean, of... of all of us, you're the one person arguably that Faith has had the least contact with.
Xander: Yeah, but we hung out a little... recently, and she seemed to be, um... responsive.
Buffy: When did you guys hang out?
Xander: Oh, she was fighting one of those, uh, apocalypse demon things and I helped her. Gave her a ride home.
Buffy: And you guys talked?
Xander: Not extensively, no.
Buffy: They why would you...
[realizes]
Buffy: Oh.
Rupert: [also realizing] Oh!
[everybody looks at Willow]
Willow: I don't need to say "oh." I got it before... They slept together.
Principal: You remind me of my, um...
Buffy: Your mother?
Principal: Yeah. Yeah, what I remember of her anyway.
Buffy: Gotta tell ya, not a line every girl likes to hear, but in this case, compliment taken.
Buffy: What part of punching you in the face did you not understand?
Manny: You're working a double shift.
Buffy: What? Another eight hours? Right after these eight hours? But that's... so many hours.
[discussing an eviscerated demon they found in the woods]
Buffy: I've never seen anything like that.
Xander: And I can go a long healthy stretch without seeing anything like that again.
Willow: It had to be Adam who killed it, but why?
Buffy: He's studying biology. Human, demon, whatever he can get his hands on and tear apart.
Willow: Learning what makes things work.
Xander: I really don't wanna be around for the final exam.
Buffy: It's not coming to that. The Initiative created this thing, and they can't stop it. But we will.
Xander: Question. Will hiding in a cabin with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?
Buffy: No.
Xander: [to Willow] Told you.
Riley: You're *really* strong. Like, Spider-Man strong.
Buffy: Yeah. But, I don't stick to stuff. But, yeah.
[last lines]
[Angel is walking up to the table from behind Xander]
Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?
[Angel reaches Xander's side]
Xander: Hey, man, how ya doin'?
Angel: Buffy.
Buffy: Angel.
Xander: Xander.
Angel: I hear this place, uh, serves coffee. I thought maybe you and I should get some... sometime. If you want.
Buffy: Yeah. Sometime... I'll let you know.
[last lines]
[Buffy enters her house, sees a bouquet of flowers and a note for her mom]
Buffy: Hey, flower-gettin' lady, want me to pick Dawn up from school?
[sees her mom lying on the couch]
Buffy: Mom? What are you doing?
[moves closer to see her lying still with her eyes open and fixed]
Buffy: [quieter] Mom...? Mom...? Mommy?
[first lines]
Buffy: Here. I'll get that. Sorry... Mom's still not 100% and I guess I haven't really been taking up the slack.
Willow: No, the place looks fine, Buffy.
Tara: Yeah, it's just us.
[last lines]
Buffy: You got your soul back. How?
Spike: It's what you wanted, right? It's-It's what *you* wanted, right? And-And now everybody's in here, talking. Everything I did, everyone I... And him... and it, the other... The thing, beneath... beneath you. It's here, too. Everybody... They all just tell me go, go... to hell.
Buffy: Why? Why would you do that?
Spike: Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev... To be a kind of man... And she shall look on him, with forgiveness... And everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved... So everything's okay, right...? C-Can we rest now? Buffy...? Can we rest?
Buffy: B:
Willow: Me, too. I really freaked out.
Buffy: I am sorry.
Willow: It's okay. I understand you having to bail, and I can forgive that. I have to make allowances for what you're going through and be a grownup about it.
Buffy: You're really enjoying this whole moral superiority thing, aren't you?
Willow: It's like a drug.
[first lines]
Buffy: So, we meet at last, Mr. Drippy.
Buffy: What should we do?
Rupert: Buffy, I think you should try to retrieve the Books of Ascension. Check out the mayor's office. But be damn careful. Do not confront the mayor. We don't know a thing about him.
Buffy: I'll go home and stock up on weapons. Slip into something a little more break-and-enterish.
Buffy: Faith told me to play on his human weakness.
Willow: Faith told you? Was that before or after you put her in a coma?
Buffy: After.
Willow: Oh.
Buffy: Well, you know me. Not much with the "damseling."
Buffy: Hey.
Spike: You should go back inside... finish the big group sing, get your kumbaya-yas out.
Buffy: I don't want to.
Spike: The day you suss out what you do want, there'll probably be a parade. Seventy-six bloody trombones.
The: You're dead.
Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
The: You were destined to die. It was written.
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.
Spike: Oh, so you wanna jump right to the kissing, then, eh?
Buffy: I am not kissing you, Spike. Once was...
Spike: Twice.
Angel: I saw you before you became the Slayer.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I watched you, and I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps... and, um, and I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: 'Cause I could see your heart... You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe... to warm it with my own.
Buffy: [hugs Angel] That's beautiful... Or taken literally, incredibly gross.
Angel: I was just thinking that, too.
[Willow, Xander and Anya have been waiting for Buffy at the Bronze; now she shows up with Riley, Forrest, Graham, and others]
Buffy: Oh, you know, I didn't think that you would mind. Uh, Riley and the guys were throwing a little impromptu celebration in my honor. And it made it, like, impossible to not invite them.
Willow: Oh, that's neat about the celebrating. I-I just thought this was supposed to be, you know, us. Just the Scooby corps, you know? I mean, I could have invited somebody else if I knew it was an open free-for-all.
Buffy: I'm sorry. I had no idea. My total bad. So, who did you want to invite?
Willow: What?
Buffy: You said you wanted to invite someone.
Willow: No, not... No one. I mean... I meant a hypothetical someone, which is to say no one.
Xander: How did we get here?
Buffy: Scenic route. Long drive.
Buffy: Hey Ken... wanna see my impression of Gandhi?
[kills him with a blow from a club]
Lily: Gandhi?
Buffy: Well, you know, if he was really pissed-off.
Buffy: Ah, it's okay. Gave Cor and I a chance to spend some quality death time.
Cordelia: And we got these free corsages.
[last lines]
Joyce: No. Listen to me. No matter what she is, she still *feels* like my daughter... I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you...
Buffy: I promise.
Joyce: Good... Good... Oh...
[hugs Buffy]
Joyce: My sweet, brave Buffy. What would I do without you?
Joyce: Are you embarrassed to be hanging out with your mother? I didn't hug you.
Buffy: No. It's just... This hall is about school, and you're about home. Mix them, my world dissolves.
Rupert: It's not over. I-I suppose you know that... He'll come after you... particularly. His profile, uh, well, he... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.
Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.
Rupert: No. No. No, I'm not.
Buffy: This is all my fault.
Rupert: No. I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did, and I can... I know that you loved him. And he... has proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen... The coming months a-are gonna- are gonna be hard... I-I suspect on all of us. But... if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm-I'm not your man. All you will get from me is, is my support... and my respect.
Buffy: You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't.
Willow: [about Oz] He's gonna come over on Christmas Eve 'cause my parents are out of town. We're gonna watch videos. That's good, right?
Buffy: You guys are back.
Willow: It's good. It's perfect... in an awkward, uncomfortable sort of way.
Buffy: You're sure it was a werewolf?
Xander: Well, let's see, um, six feet tall, claws, a big old snout in the middle of his face, like a wolf. Um, yeah, I'm stickin' with my first guess.
[first lines]
Buffy: You know, it's probably none of my business, but I just gotta ask... Did you smell this bad when you were alive...? 'Cause if it's a postmortem thing, then, boy, is my face red. But, just so you know, the fast-growing field of personal grooming's come a long way since you became a vampire.
[first lines]
Buffy: It's about power... who's got it, who knows how to use it.
Principal: You were there. You saw Doctor Gregory, didn't you?
Buffy: Um, you mean yesterday in the cafeteria when we found him...
Principal: Don't say dead or decapitated or decomposing. I'd stay away from 'D' words all together, but you witnessed the event, so this way, please.
[last lines]
Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
[kills a newly risen vampire]
Rupert: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?
Rupert: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Rupert: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats. And, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and... everybody lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.
Buffy: Willow, you're alive.
Willow: Aren't I usually?
[Buffy bot enters the room with everyone there]
Xander: Hey, I know this. They're *both* Buffy.
Buffy: No. She's a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made. You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?
[first lines]
[Buffy and Dawn with Joyce in the hospital]
Joyce: Listen, you two, I know this cream spinach is pretty delicious but I promise I won't be offended if you go out for some real food.
Buffy: Are you kidding me? This is the good life, relaxing in bed while people bring you food on trays.
Buffy: Tonight sucks! And look at me. Look at-Look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and freak Buffy. Too strong for construction work. And-And my job at the Magic Shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end. And the only person that I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.
Willow: His parents say he never came home last night.
Buffy: Y'know, I don't think I remember seeing Rodney on the bus back from the field trip.
Willow: I didn't either. I hope he didn't get in trouble at the museum.
Xander: [chuckles] Hey, maybe he awakened the mummy.
Willow: [giggles] Right, and it rose from its tomb.
Buffy: [smiles] And attacked him.
[their smiles fade as they all realize that it may not be so far-fetched]
Buffy: I know you. You ran that costume shop.
Ethan: Oh, I'm pleased you remember.
Buffy: You sold me that dress for Halloween and nearly got us all killed.
Ethan: But you looked great.
Buffy: Look, if-if Glory knew that you guys knew where it was I... I-I just didn't want to put you in that kind of danger.
Xander: As opposed to the other kind we're always in?
[last lines]
Willow: The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?
Buffy: It doesn't say anything about you.
Willow: I mean, I thought, I was really falling...
Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I moved here turned out to be a vampire.
Xander: Right. And the teacher I had a crush on: giant praying mantis.
Willow: [smiling] That's true.
Xander: Yeah, it's life on the Hellmouth.
Buffy: Let's face it. None of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander: We're doomed.
Willow: Yeah.
[the three of them laugh half-hardheartedly, but eventually stop, wondering if that is actually true]
Buffy: You shouldn't have come here.
Spike: No. I messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored.
[finding Ethan lurking around the school library]
Buffy: What are you doing here?
Ethan: Snooping around.
Buffy: Nice touch.
Ethan: It's one of my virtues... Not really.
Buffy: I have a mission... to win this war. To save the world... I don't have time for vendettas.
[last lines]
Rupert: I say, your car seems to have had an adventure, doesn't it?
Joyce: Uh, Buffy assures me that it happened battling evil so I'm letting her pay for it on the installment plan.
Buffy: Uh, hey, the way things were going, be glad that's the worst that happened. At least I got to the two of you before you actually *did* something.
[leaves]
Joyce: Right.
Rupert: Indeed.
Joyce: Y-Yes.
Caleb: You whore!
Buffy: You know, you really should watch your language. Someone didn't know you, they might think you were a woman-hating jerk.
[last lines]
Dawn: I guess sometimes you can't help.
Buffy: So what then? What do you do when you *know *that? When you know that maybe... you can't help?
[Xander has reenacted Buffy's slaying with fish sticks]
Buffy: That's exactly how it happened.
Oz: Well, I thought it was riveting. I was a little unclear about some of the themes.
Buffy: The theme is, Angel's too much of a coward to take me on face-to-face.
Xander: And the other theme was "Buy American" but it, uh, got kind of buried.
Spike: [chuckles] Oh, poor little lost girl... She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love.
Buffy: Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot. Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the Slayer, but all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes.
Spike: I'm in love with you.
Buffy: You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?
Spike: Hello. Vampire. I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse?
[Buffy is pretending to be the Buffybot]
Buffy: Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
Spike: She wanted to know who the key was.
Buffy: Oh, well, I can tell her, and then you won't...
Spike: No...! You can't ever. Glory never finds out.
Buffy: Why?
Spike: 'Cause Buffy... the other not-so-pleasant Buffy... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.
[talking about Riley]
Buffy: I really like him. I do.
Willow: But?
Buffy: I don't know... I really like being around him, you know, and I think he cares about me. But... I just... feel like something's missing.
Willow: He's not making you miserable?
Buffy: Exactly... Riley seems so solid... like... he wouldn't cause me heartache.
Willow: Get out. Get out while there's still time.
[talking about when he first learned about the Slayer]
Spike: After that, I was obsessed. I mean, to most vampires, a Slayer was the object of cold sweat and frightened whispers... but I never hid... Hell, I sought her out. I mean, if you're looking for fun, there's death, there's glory and sod all else, right?
[shrugs]
Spike: I was young.
Buffy: So, how'd you kill her?
Spike: [Spike moves behind Buffy] Funny you should ask.
[his hand whips out and takes her by the neck. She instinctively reacts and grabs a pool cue but Spike grasps her wrist]
Spike: Lesson the first... A Slayer must always reach for her weapon.
[shifts to his vamp face]
Spike: I've already got mine.
[he returns to normal, takes the pool cue and continues playing]
Spike: Hmm... A good thing, too. Become a vampire, you've got nothing to fear. Nothing but one girl. That's you, honey. Back then... it was her.
Buffy: Amy! How've you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.
Angelus: Hello, lover. I wasn't sure you'd come.
Buffy: After your immolation-o-gram? Come on, I had to show. Shouldn't you be out destroying the world right now, pulling the sword out of Al Franken or whatever his name is?
Angelus: There's time enough. I wanted to say goodbye first. You are the one thing in this dimension I will miss.
Buffy: This is a beautiful moment we're having. Can we please fight?
Angelus: I didn't come here to fight.
Buffy: No?
Angelus: Gosh. I-I was hoping we can get back together. What do you think? Do we have a shot? All right! We'll fight.
[Angel encounters an invisible barrier at Buffy's front of door]
Buffy: Sorry, Angel. Changed the locks.
Willow: You know, Giles says everything's a part of the earth: this bed, the air, us.
Buffy: Explains why my fingernails get dirty even when I don't do anything.
Willow: Plus, you stuck your thumbs in a demon.
Buffy: Spike? Are you real?
Spike: [laughs crazily, then looks at her] Buffy, duck.
Buffy: What? Duck? There's a duck?
[Gets hit from behind]
[trying to keep the principal away from her mother at Parent-Teacher night]
Principal: Was that your mother?
Buffy: Here.
[spills lemonade on purpose]
Buffy: Oh! Oh, sorry! Um, yeah! Yeah, I was gonna introduce you, but, um, she wouldn't have said much. Y'know, she doesn't speak a word of English.
Spike: What part of "Help me" do you not understand?
Buffy: The part where I help you.
[first lines]
[Riley has just hung a "Lesbian Alliance" banner]
Riley: Looks good.
[sees Buffy]
Riley: Hey, Buffy.
Buffy: Is there something you wanna tell me?
Riley: What.
[Buffy looks pointedly at the banner]
Riley: Oh.
[chuckles]
Riley: Yes. I am a lesbian.
Buffy: Well it's good that you're so open about it.
Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Rupert: Hear, hear!
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and women have the babies.
Buffy: If this place is a trap, we give the signal, you guys come in, guns a-blazing.
Xander: So, what's the signal?
Buffy: I'm thinkin' lots and lots of yelling.
Willow: "I like you at bedtime"? You actually said that?
Buffy: I know. I know.
Willow: Man, that's like, I-I dunno. That's moxie or something.
Buffy: Okay. Well, how long before you... un-crypt it?
Willow: Hours? Days maybe. Anyone suggesting months would not be accused of crazy talk.
Rupert: Whatever happened to Latin? At least when that made no sense, the Church approved.
Buffy: I can't just wait around, Wil. The disk is no good to me unless you crack it soon.
Anya: Hey! We worked really hard getting that. Xander delivered clothing.
Rupert: Church approved.
Buffy: This is Gachnar?
Xander: Big overture, little show.
Gachnar: I am the Dark Lord of nightmares. The bringer of Terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!
Willow: He... He's so cute.
Buffy: I always say patrol's not complete without a trip to the stinky sewers.
Angel: I'm sure I saw him come down here.
Buffy: Couldn't we just let this be the vamp that got away? We could say he was *this* big.
Angel: What can I say? I need closure.
Buffy: Get a load of the she-Giles.
Willow: Creepy.
Buffy: Ew. I bet Giles wishes I was more of a book geek.
Willow: Giles is enough of a book geek for the both of you.
Buffy: Yeah, but did you see how they were vibing? "Volume 6. Ha-ha-ha!
Willow: Buffy, no one could replace you. You'll always be Giles' favorite.
Buffy: I wonder.
Willow: Of course, you will. You're *his* Slayer. The *real* Slayer.
Angel: Is there a problem, ma'am?
Buffy: Yeah, there's a problem. Why are you following me?
Angel: I know what you're thinking, but don't worry. I don't bite.
Oz: Guys, take a moment to deal with this. We survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
Oz: Not the battle... High School.
Dawn: [of Buffy's bloodied hands] Um, I was gonna fix 'em... I don't know how they got like that.
Spike: I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?
Buffy: Yeah... That's what I had to do.
Spike: I've done it myself.
Willow: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game.
Buffy: You know what this means.
Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body-count competition this year?
Buffy: She wasn't killed by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse.
Cordelia: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word "corpse" in it?
Willow: Oh, I-I need to sit down.
Buffy: You are sitting down.
Willow: Oh, good for me.
Miss: [Buffy, Giles and Willow have gone to the hacked address of Miss French, the substitute teacher and kidnapping suspect. A much older woman than expected opens the door] Hello dear! I thought I heard... .are you selling something? Because I'd like to help you out, but, you see, I'm on a fixed income
Buffy: I'm looking for Miss French.
Miss: I'm Miss French.
Buffy: N-Natalie French, the substitute biology teacher?
Miss: Goodness. That's me. I taught for over thirty years. I retired in 1972.
Buffy: [turning to Giles and Willow] I can't believe this! She used Miss French's records to get into the school. She could be anywhere!
Miss: No, dear. I'm right here.
Spike: Where's the trinket?
Buffy: The who-ket?
Willow: Well, maybe there's a Wiccan spell that can cure it. You know, something regular medicine doesn't know. Ooh, there-there was a potion.
[she looks through a book and pulls out a piece of paper and begins reading]
Willow: Sage, salt... onion?
Buffy: That's the stuffing
[in the desert for Buffy's quest]
Buffy: What's in the trunk?
Rupert: Supplies.
Buffy: Supplies? I was wondering about that. Like food, water, maybe a compass?
Rupert: What about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs?
Buffy: I-I don't think I'll be that hungry.
[Willow walks out the back door onto the porch, arms full of weapons. She freezes when she sees Principal Wood]
Willow: Oh, hi. Hey. Well, Buffy, I- I see that our preparation for the school pep-dance-cheer-drill contest are coming along.
[to the potentials]
Willow: Bring it on!
Buffy: It's okay, I filled him in on everything.
Willow: [sighs] Oh, thank God! If I had to explain all these weapons, I had nothing.
Principal: Buffy tells me you have been, um, oh, how shall I put it. Experimenting... with the magicks.
Willow: Oh, yeah. Oh-Oh, nothing too heavy, though. Just the lighter, safer stuff. Uh, if Kennedy asks, her pointy stuff's right there. See you inside.
[to Buffy]
Willow: So much cooler than Snyder.
[leaves]
Principal: She really almost destroyed the world?
Buffy: Yep.
Principal: Remind me not to make her crabby.
[Buffy has just walked in on a very loud argument]
Buffy: I was only gone a couple of hours.
Willow: [entering] Buffy.
Buffy: Hey, everybody, look. It's Willow. Perhaps with a blunt weapon of some sort.
[Dawn appears in the living room, dazed, with her arms outstretched and covered in blood]
Dawn: Is this blood?
Buffy: Dawn!
Joyce: Oh, baby!
Buffy: What did you do?
Dawn: This is blood, isn't it? It can't be me. I'm not a key. I'm not a thing.
Joyce: Oh, Sweetie, no. Wha-what is this all about?
Dawn: What am I?
[starting to cry]
Dawn: m I real? Am I anything?
Xander: I'll have you know I was just accosted by some kind of, um... locker monster.
Rupert: Loch Ness Monster?
Buffy: *Locker* monster, is what he said.
Dawn: So what do we do?
Buffy: Easy. We burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus, fire. Pretty.
Angel: They'll be expecting you.
Buffy: I've got a friend down there. Or, at least, a potential friend. Do you know what it's like to have a friend?
[Angel lowers his eyes]
Buffy: That wasn't supposed to be a stumper.
Rupert: That's all he said? "Fork guy"?
Buffy: That's all cryptic guy said, "fork guy."
Rupert: I think there are too many guys in your life.
Buffy: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing... I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing.
Buffy: Not when you're minoring in "Napping 101."
Buffy: I told you. I'm a Vampire Slayer.
Joyce: Well, I just don't accept that!
Buffy: Hey. Uh, I was, um, I was waiting for you to get out of class.
Scott: Oh. Uh, why?
Buffy: Um... there was someone a while ago, and, uh, the ring sort of confused me. But I like what you said about friendship. I liked it a lot. And Buster Keaton, big fun. And-And I'm capable of big fun, even though there's no earthly way you could possibly know that about me. Wow! If I knew I was gonna go on this long, I probably would've brought some water. Uh, what I'm trying to say is, um, if you would still like to go to the film festival, and I would understand it if you didn't, I'd pretty much love to go with you.
Scott: Uh...
[ahem]
Scott: I don't know, Buffy. I'm-I'm really gonna have to think about this.
[Turns away, turns back]
Scott: Okay, you know what? I've thought about it and I'm in. When do you want to go?
Buffy: I better stop him before he gets in trouble.
Willow: I got it. The non-violent approach is probably better here.
[leaves]
Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander: The important thing is... *you* believe that.
[first lines]
Buffy: Professor Lillian?
Professor: Buffy.
Buffy: I'm sorry that I missed the lecture today.
Rupert: Buffy, I'm not gonna send you out there to die. Now, you were right. I-I've waded about in these old books for so long, I've forgotten what the real world is like. I-It's time I found out.
Buffy: You're still not going up against the Master.
Rupert: I've made up my mind.
Buffy: So have I.
Rupert: I made up my mine first! I'm older and wiser than you and just... just do what you're told for once, all right?
[first lines]
[Joyce hammering a nail into the wall as Buffy enters]
Buffy: Mom?
[startled she puts the hammer through the wall]
Joyce: Oh! Buffy... Um...
Buffy: Sorry.
Joyce: No, no, no. Don't worry about it. I guess I just got used to all the quiet while you were gone.
Buffy: This trigger. How do we holster, safety, or, I don't know guns. How do we make it stop?
Xander: Well, usually the operative completes his task and either blows his head off or steals a submarine.
[first lines]
[fighting a vampire and a demon]
Buffy: [to Riley] Okay. You get fang. I'll get horny... I mean...
[Buffy has Spike pinned down and is about to stake him]
Spike: Willow!
Buffy: You took Willow.
Spike: You do me know, you'll never find the little witch.
Joyce: Willow's a witch?
Buffy: And Xander?
Spike: Him, too.
Joyce: Wait, Xander's a witch?
Dawn: Anything else gone? Uh, eyeballs, toenails, or viscera? That's guts.
Buffy: She knows about viscera. Makes you proud.
Buffy: You're Watchers... Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater... You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're Insane-Os Home Journal." So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary...
Rupert: [fake cough] Retroactive.
Buffy: ...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends...
Lydia: I-I-I... don't want a sword thrown at me, but-but, civilians, I- we're talking about children.
Buffy: We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.
Anya: Willow's a demon?
Andrew: So, this is my redemption at last. I buy back my bruised soul with the blood of my heart, but- but not enough to-to kill...
Buffy: Stop! Stop telling stories. Life isn't a story.
Andrew: Sorry. Sorry.
Buffy: Shut up. You always do this. You make everything into a story, so no one's responsible for anything because they're just following a script.
Andrew: Please, don't kill me. Warren said Jonathan would be okay. I trusted him, and I lost my friend.
Buffy: You didn't lose him. You murdered him.
Buffy: Andrew! Stop it, or I'm gonna smash this camera over your head... Actually, I'm gonna do that anyway, so you might as well talk.
Wesley: I'm sorry. Uh, Lohesh was a four-winged soul killer, am I right? I was given to understand that they're not that fierce. Of all the demons we've faced...
Anya: You've never seen a demon.
Buffy: Uh, excuse me. Killing them professionally four years running.
Anya: All the demons that walk the Earth are tainted, are human hybrids, like vampires. The Ascension means that a human becomes pure demon. They're different.
Rupert: Different?
Buffy: How?
Anya: Well, for one thing... they're bigger.
Xander: I managed to scare up the plan from the old high school. You remember the very center of Sunnydale's own Hellmouth?
Buffy: Under the library.
Xander: Right. So I lined up the plans, new and old, and right exactly where the library was, we now have...
Buffy: Principal's office.
Dawn: So the principal's evil?
Buffy: Or in a boatload of danger.
Xander: Well, the last two principals were eaten. Who'd even apply for that job?
Buffy: When... When did the building fall down?
[last lines]
Buffy: Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right where we left off.
[starts to enter the library then stop and backs out]
Buffy: Okay, that's it. I give up. Do I have to sound an air horn every time I walk into a room? What is it with grownups these days?
[pan to show Giles and Jenny kissing in the library]
Buffy: [to Ubervamp] I'm the thing that monsters have nightmares about.
Willow: Buffy... Over here.
Buffy: Wow. I wasn't sure where the party was, and then I saw the flashing lights and the ambulance and I was like, "Right, of course. Death, carnage... It's a Buffy party."
Cordelia: Hey, you think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time... People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk... everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.
Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?
Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.
[first lines]
[Buffy knocks a vampire down]
Buffy: Xander! Anya!
[Xander and Anya try to hold the vampire]
Willow: Buffy, another one!
[Buffy starts fighting another vampire]
Willow: Buffy!
[tosses Buffy a stake and she dusts the first vampire as the other runs away]
Buffy: Where's the other one.
Xander: Where's the other one.
Anya: In there.
Buffy: How long do you think he can stay angry at me, anyway?
Willow: The emotional Marathon Man?
Rupert: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Rupert: And, uh, there's a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Buffy: Yes.
Rupert: And, well, otherwise, all his spare time's spent lounging about with imbeciles?
Buffy: It's bad, isn't it?
Rupert: [sighs] It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him.
Buffy: Well, um... it's a little embarrassing. You see... I'm a swim groupie.
Gage: A-ha!
Buffy: Oh, yeah! You know, there's just something about the smell of chlorine on a guy. Oh, baby!
Buffy: What I see is that, right after the sun goes down, Spike and all of his friends are gonna be pigging out at the All-You-Can-Eat Moron Bar.
Diego: Okay, that's it. I think we should gag her.
Buffy: I think you should try.
Diego: She's an unbeliever. She taints us.
Buffy: I am trying to save you! You are playing in some serious traffic here! Do you understand that? You're going to die!
Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party.
Buffy: Okay, so, what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?
Xander: Much hardier cockroaches.
Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home!
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, that you got Anya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped...
[after defeating a vampire]
Buffy: If I was at full Slayer power, I'd be punning right about now.
Rupert: The boy's been in a coma for a week. How can this be possible?
Buffy: What am I, Knowledge Girl now? Explanations are your terrain.
[last lines]
Buffy: I'm done. Spike, you're a killer. And I should've done this years ago.
Spike: You know what? Do it. Bloody just do it.
Buffy: What?
Spike: End... my... torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around. Take me out of a world that has you in it.
[Spike angrily takes off his shirt and throws it to the ground]
Spike: Just kill me.
[Buffy darts in with the stake, but hesitates as Spike flinches. Spike grabs and kisses her; she pulls back, horrified, and he just stares at her in shock]
Buffy: [moves in slowly, grabs him by the head and kisses him] Spike. I want you.
Spike: Buffy, I love you. God, I love you so much.
[Spike wakes up from the dream, bolting upright with a gasp, looking stunned and distressed. Harmony remains asleep by his side]
Spike: Oh, God, no. Please no.
Buffy: With Mom at Aunt Darleene's this year, I'm not getting a Thanksgiving. Maybe it's just as well.
Anya: Well, I think that's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.
Buffy: Not really a one of those.
Anya: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice, with pie.
[in Buffy's dream]
Tara: [first Slayer speaking through Tara] The Slayer does not walk in this world.
Buffy: I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out, and I don't sleep on a bed of bones.
Buffy: You think I came all this way to get knocked up by some demon dust? I can't fight this. I know that now. You guys? You're just men...
[rips her chains out of the ground]
Buffy: ...just the men who did this... to her. Whoever that girl was before she was the First Slayer.
Shadow: [translated, subtitle] You don't understand.
Buffy: No, you don't understand! You violated that girl, made her kill for you because you're weak, you're pathetic, and you obviously have nothing to show me!
Buffy: Okay. Everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit 'cause that's how stupid I feel saying this.
Eddie: Of Human Bondage. Have you ever read it?
Buffy: Oh, I'm not really into porn. I mean, I'm just- I'm tryin' to cut way back.
Buffy: Looks like an old vineyard.
Kennedy: An evil vineyard, huh.
Spike: Like Falcon Crest.
Buffy: [to Giles] 'Cause it's the weirdest thing. He's got two little-little holes in his neck and all his blood's been drained... Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, "Ooooh"?
Willow: [speaking of Parker] He's a poophead.
Buffy: You're right. He's manipulative and shallow, and why doesn't he want me? Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd tell me, right?
Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second...
Buffy: Maybe Parker and I could still work it out... Do you-Do you think that we could still work it out?
Willow: I think you're missing something about the whole poophead principle.
Dawn: [from outside of closed bedroom] What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend. Go away.
Buffy: You could have killed her! You almost did!
Willow: [crying] I know. I know... I can't stop, Buffy. I've tried, and I can't.
Buffy: You can.
Willow: I can't! I can't. I jus- God! I need help. Please. Please, help me. Please. Help me. Please.
Riley: I hear ya. Got some, uh... big stories to tell you, too, if we even get half a second.
Buffy: Did ya die?
Riley: No.
Buffy: I'm gonna win.
Buffy: Besides, I can just tell something's wrong. My spider sense is tingling.
Rupert: Your... spider sense?
Buffy: Pop culture reference. Sorry.
The: Did you really think you could best me here when you couldn't below?
Buffy: [looks at him curiously] You have fruit punch mouth.
The: What?
[Buffy punches him]
Buffy: And save the hypnosis crap for the tourists.
Buffy: If you want Xander, you've got to speak up, girl.
Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness and sweaty palms.
Wesley: Remember the three key words for any Slayer: preparation... preparation... preparation.
Buffy: That's one word three times.
Phillip: Every burger at every Doublemeat Palace is the same... People don't like variation.
Buffy: Got it. Variety is the spice of bad.
Buffy: Ohh... there's so much to decide... ceremony, guests, reception.
Spike: Well, first thing I'd say, we're not having a church wedding.
Buffy: How about a daytime ceremony in the park?
Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the Big Pile of Dust.
Buffy: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight only.
Spike: A warm spring breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again, you're registering as Mr and Mrs Big Pile of Dust.
Buffy: top it! This is our wedding and you're treating it like a big joke.
Buffy: What are they looking for?
Amy: Witch stuff.
[Giles sits down at their table at the Bronze]
Rupert: Well, don't look that way. I'm-I'm-I'm down with the new music. And I have the albums to prove it.
Buffy: Yes, but it's your cutting-edge 8-tracks that keep you ahead of the scene.
Oz: Don't scoff, gang. I've seen Giles' collection. He was an animal in his day.
Rupert: Thank, you.
Buffy: Hey, why not? If the Stones can still keep rolling, why can't Giles?
Xander: You think we haven't all seen this before? The part where you just cut us all out, just step away from everything human and act like you're the law? If you knew what I felt...
Buffy: I killed Angel...! Do you even remember that? I would've given up everything I had to be with... I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life... and I put a sword through his heart because I had to.
Willow: And that all worked out okay.
Buffy: Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you? Do you remember giving me Willow's message? "Kick his ass."
Willow: I never said that...
Xander: This is different.
Buffy: It is always different! It's always complicated. And, at some point, someone has to draw the line and that is *always* going to be me. You-You get down on me for cutting myself off, but, in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guide book, no all-knowing Council. Human rules *don't* apply... There's only me. I am the law.
Xander: There has to be another way.
Buffy: Then please find it.
[last lines]
Dawn: Is she cold?
Buffy: It's not her... It's not her... She's gone.
Dawn: Where'd she go?
[first lines]
[wakes up and sees Angel looking at her]
Buffy: What? Do I have funny bed hair or something?
Angel: Or something.
Buffy: Who are these guys?
Rupert: Uh, they're known as the, uh, as the Bringers or-or Harbingers. They're high priests of the First. They, uh, they can conjure spirit manifestations and set them on people, influence them, haunt them.
Buffy: These are the guys working the mojo on Angel.
Xander: We gotta stop 'em.
Rupert: You-you-you can't fight the First, Buffy. It's not a-a physical being.
Buffy: Well, I-I can fight these priest guys.
[last lines]
Buffy: Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.
Quentin: Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon.
Buffy: What is she?
Quentin: She's a god.
Buffy: Oh.
Xander: You got burned with Angel, and then Riley shows up.
Buffy: I *know* the story, Xander.
Xander: But you missed the point... You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy... when he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime... He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums...? If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't there, let him go. Break his heart and make it a clean break... But if you really think you can love this guy... I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need... If you're ready for that... then think about what you're about to lose.
[last lines]
Kendra: Who are you?
Buffy: Who am I? You attacked me! Who the hell are you?
Kendra: I am Kendra. The Vampire Slayer.
Buffy: I love you.
Spike: No, you don't... But thanks for sayin' it.
[repeated line]
Buffy: From beneath you, it devours.
[first lines]
Buffy: They smell good, don't they?
Faith: What?
Buffy: Clean sheets. Like summer.
Faith: I wouldn't know.
Buffy: Right. I forgot.
Faith: I noticed.
Buffy: I-I wish I could stay, but...
Faith: Oh, you have to go.
Buffy: It's just with...
Faith: Little sis coming. I know. So much to do before she gets here.
Buffy: I mean, so far, all I see is someone who *apparently* has a good job, seems nice and polite and my mother really likes him.
Xander: What kind of a monster is he?
Buffy: I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown.
Willow: [laughs] He's a clean clown!
[Buffy and Xander stare at her]
Willow: I have my own fun.
Xander: He killed a person and killed himself. Those are pretty much two of the dumbest things you could do.
Willow: I know, but... Well, don't you feel kind of bad for them?
Buffy: Sure I feel lousy. For her. He's a murderer and he should pay for it.
Willow: With his life?
Buffy: No, he should be doing sixty years in a prison, breaking rocks and making special friends with Roscoe the weightlifter.
Xander: Yikes! The quality of mercy is not Buffy.
Buffy: Well, I know this. It's down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.
Rupert: Again, see? No standards. I mean, any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.
[after knocking Giles unconscious]
Buffy: When he wakes up, tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool. Tell him I said it.
Principal: The school board recommended I spend a little time reading your record. It's, um, quite a page-turner. Kind of a checkered past.
Buffy: Um, more like a plaid. Kind of a clan tartan of badness, really.
Buffy: Lame.
Spike: What?
Buffy: You. Making up excuses.
Spike: Don't flatter yourself, love. Bloody fond of that lighter.
Buffy: Stop trying to see me and stop calling me that.
Spike: So, um, what should I call you then? Pet? Sweetheart? My, uh, little Goldilocks? You know I love this hair, the way it bounces when...
[Buffy tries to hit him with a spatula]
Spike: Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh! This flapjack's not ready to be flipped.
Willow: [about Oz] Maybe it's nice. He's great. We have a lot of fun, but I want *smoochies*!
Buffy: Have you dropped any hints?
Willow: I've dropped anvils.
Buffy: Well, I... hadn't definitely one hundred percent said no for all time. It's just, you know... you don't enter into these things lightly, you know. There's-There's repercussions to consider and... why am I seeing a look?
Willow: You really do need to find the fun, B... uffy.
Buffy: I can't believe this. After all that we've been through together, and you guys won't believe me when I tell you that Kathy is *bad*.
Xander: We want to, Buff. It's just...
Oz: Shh. Don't engage.
Joyce: You now what? That's it. You and I are gonna have a talk.
Buffy: Mom, please.
Joyce: You know what? I don't care! I don't care what your friends think of me or you for that matter, because you put me through the ringer, Buffy. I mean it. And I've had schnapps. Do you have any idea what it's been like?
Buffy: Mom, this isn't the place...
Joyce: You can't imagine months of not knowing, not knowing whether you're lying dead in a ditch somewhere or, I don't know, living it up!
Buffy: But you told me! You're the one who said I should go! You said if I leave this house, don't come back! You found out who I really was and you couldn't deal! Don't you remember?
Joyce: [more angry] Buffy, you didn't give me time! You just dump this thing on me and you expected me to get it? Well, guess what. Mom's not perfect, okay? I handled it badly! But that doesn't give you the right to punish me by running away!
Buffy: Punish you? I didn't do this to punish you.
Xander: Well, you did. You should've seen what you put her through.
Buffy: Great. Thanks. Anybody else want to weigh in here? How about you by the dip?
Jonathan: No, thanks... I'm good.
Xander: You know, maybe you don't want to hear it, Buffy... but taking off like you did was incredibly selfish and stupid!
Buffy: Okay. Okay! I screwed up! I know this! But you have no idea! You have... you have no idea what happened to me or what I was feeling!
Xander: Did you even try talking to anybody?
Buffy: No. There was nothing anybody could do. Okay? I just had to deal with this on my own!
Xander: Yeah, and you see how well that one worked out. You can't just bury stuff, Buffy. It'll come right back up to get you.
Buffy: So let me get this straight. You're... Dracula... the guy, the Count.
Dracula: I am.
Buffy: And you're sure this isn't just some fan-boy thing? 'Cause I've fought more than a couple of pimply, overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
Dracula: You know who I am. As I would know without question that you are Buffy Summers.
Buffy: You've heard of me?
Dracula: Naturally. You're known throughout the world.
Buffy: Nah. Really?
Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned... killer.
Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...
Dracula: Naked?
Buffy: Like I paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?
Dracula: Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.
Buffy: No. You know what I feel? Bored.
Willow: I wish Buffy was here.
Buffy: [enters the room] I'm here!
Willow: I wish I had a million dollars!
[everyone stares at her]
Willow: Just checking.
Rupert: I assume, the, uh... All the spells were reversed. It was my first casting, so, uh... I may have got it wrong.
Buffy: You saved my life. You were a god!
Buffy: You aren't mad at Cassie with her rejecting you like that?
Mike: [chuckles] Nah. She's a girl, right? Making boys crazy is, like, your job description.
Buffy: Do I like shrubs?
Xander: That's between you and your god.
Xander: So this chair-woman? We are talking about Ms Calendar, right?
Rupert: What makes you think that?
Xander: Simple deduction. Ms Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in you age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her.
Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it up, it all spells "Duh."
Buffy: Was it sudden?
Tara: What?
Buffy: Your mother.
Tara: No... And yes... It's always sudden.
Willow: Okay. Well, let me make you mad again. Uh, ready? Um... last semester, I slept with Riley.
Buffy: And you know, I really doubt it.
Willow: Caught me. Big fib... To cover-up the sleazy affair I had with Angel.
Buffy: Uh, what should we do with the trio over here? Should we burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows.
[everyone looks at her]
Willow: Occasionally I'm callous and strange.
[to a vampire she went to school with]
Buffy: Yeah, what I really need is emotional therapy from the evil dead.
Buffy: You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to break things by looking at 'em?
Buffy: [to Thomas] Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge.
Buffy: Well, my philosophy... Do you wanna hear my philosophy?
Willow: Yeah, I do.
Buffy: Life is short.
Willow: Life is short.
Buffy: Not original, I'll grant you, but it's true. You know, why waste time being all shy and worrying about some guy and if he's gonna laugh at you? Seize the moment 'cause tomorrow you might be dead.
Willow: Oh, that's nice.
Buffy: You got a name?
Sweet: I've got a hundred.
Buffy: Well, I ought to know what to call you if you're gonna be my brother-in-law.
Buffy: [singing] There was no pain / No fear, no doubt / Till they pulled me out / Of heaven / So that's my refrain / I live in Hell / 'Cause I've been expelled / From heaven / I think I was in heaven / So give me something to sing about / Please give me something.
Buffy: ...My God! Could you have a dorkier outfit?
[last lines]
Buffy: So how do we stop it?
Rupert: The portal will only close once the blood is stopped. And the only way for that to happen is, um... Buffy, the only way is to kill Dawn.
Joyce: Buffy, I know you're concerned, okay? But don't be. I'm still the mom, which means I get to worry about you two which is a good thing because you're a Vampire Slayer
[to Dawn]
Joyce: and you, you are my little pum'kin belly.
Dawn: Mom, that's like my kid name.
Joyce: So I can't be retro?
Buffy: Did you ever have any names for me?
Joyce: No. I think you were always just Buffy.
Dawn: I got some names for ya.
Angel: The Master rose. He let me live... to punish me. I kept hopin' maybe you'd come... My destiny.
Buffy: Is this a get-in-my-pants thing? You guys in Sunnydale talk like I'm the Second Coming.
Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck.
Willow: But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it.
Buffy: Yeah... That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.
Joyce: I think we're just about ready for pie.
Xander: Then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.
Buffy: Xander!
Dawn: Gross.
Xander: o, no, barf from the eating, 'cause all was good, and too much goodness...
Joyce: I'm taking it as a compliment.
Buffy: You sounded like Mr. Initiative. Demons bad. People good.
Riley: Somethin' wrong with that theorem?
Willow: So, we're pretty sure there are no more Tarakan assassins coming our way?
Buffy: Angel's sources say the contract's off.
Xander: How is Angel?
[Buffy and Willow look at him]
Xander: Pretend I care.
Buffy: Let me guess. Gwendolyn Post, not a watcher.
Rupert: Yes, she was. She was, uh, kicked out by the Council a couple of years ago for misuses of dark power... They swear there was a memo.
[last lines]
Buffy: I never should have let them take Riley. I need to be with him.
Willow: I'm sure he's okay.
Buffy: There's no way he can be. Everything he's ever believed in has been taken away or... He's alone. He has nothing to hold on to.
Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there.
Buffy: A little blasé there, aren't you?
Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.
Principal: And, Buffy, relax. There's only three things these kids understand: the boot, the bat, and the bastinada.
[he laughs but then notices that Buffy isn't reacting]
Principal: It's the- It's a- It's a bad joke. It's the bastinada. No one ever knows what that thing is.
Buffy: Wooden rod used to slap the soles of the feet in Turkish prisons, but if made with the correct wood, makes an *awesome* billy club.
Dawn: [excited] Oh, my God. You will never believe what happened at school today.
Buffy: Everybody started singing and dancing?
Dawn: [pauses, deflating] I gave birth to a pterodactyl.
Anya: Oh, my God. Did it sing?
Buffy: Talisman must've been destroyed.
Dawn: How'd you know it was a talisman?
Buffy: There's always a talisman.
Buffy: Did you know about this?
Rupert: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
[Giles takes off his glasses and starts wiping them]
Buffy: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing?
Rupert: Tell no one.
Buffy: Do you know how lame this is? Bored teenage boys tryin' to raise up a demon? Sorry he didn't show. I bet it's 'cause you forgot the boom box playing some heavy metal thing, like Blue Clam Cult? I think *that's* the key to the raising of lame demons.
Buffy: Sarcasm accomplishes nothing, Giles.
Rupert: It's sort of an end in itself.
[first lines]
Xander: [reading] "Are you a people person or do you prefer keeping your own company?" Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?
Buffy: So, mark "none of the above."
Faith: God, I could eat a horse. Isn't it crazy how slayin' just always makes you hungry and horny?
[everybody looks at Buffy]
Buffy: Well... sometimes I-I crave a nonfat yogurt afterwards.
Cordelia: I get it.
[everybody looks at Cordelia]
Cordelia: Not the horny thing, yuck! But the two slayer thing. There was one, and then Buffy died for, like, two minutes, so then Kendra was called, and then when she died, Faith was called.
[on cell phones]
Dawn: What do they want.
Buffy: So far, to piss me off.
Dawn: Please tell me it's working.
Buffy: Oh, I'm damage-bound.
Joyce: You are a demon child.
Buffy: I live to torment you. Is that so wrong?
Joyce: A daughter's duty, I suppose.
Buffy: [singing] Will I stay this way forever / Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?
Handsome: [singing] How can I repay you...
Buffy: [singing] Whatever.
Rupert: Spike. That's what the other vampire called him? That's a little unorthodox, isn't it?
Buffy: Maybe he's Reform.
Anya: About eight hundred years ago, in the Kaskov valleys above the Urals, there was a sorcerer there who achieved Ascension. Became the embodiment of the demon Lohesh. I was there cursing a shepherd who'd been unfaithful. His wife had wished that all his sheep would lie wi...
Buffy: Can we cut back to the chase?
Anya: Oh, sorry. Um... Lohesh was... it-it decimated the village within hours. Maybe three people got out.
Buffy: I just wanna get my life back, you know, do normal stuff.
Willow: Like date?
Buffy: Well...
Xander: Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
[Xander starts chuckling and Buffy punches him on the arm]
Xander: [still kind of chuckling] Ow.
Buffy: All right, yes, date and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff.
Buffy: I'm Buffy. I'm new.
[Buffy walks away]
Xander: [to himself] You're new and improved!
[Buffy and Angel need to escape from Spike and Drusilla's lair]
Buffy: This way.
Caleb: [as The First] I will overrun this Earth. And when my army outnumbers the humans on this Earth, the scales will tip... and I will be made flesh.
Buffy: Talk on. I'm not afraid of you.
Caleb: Then why aren't you asleep... in your dead lover's arms? 'Cause he can't help you. Nor Faith. Nor your friends. Certainly not your wanna-slay brigade. None of those girlies will ever know real power unless you're dead. Now, you know the drill.
[morphs into Buffy]
Buffy: [as The First] Into every generation, a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world. She alone will have the strength and skill to- There's that word again. What you are. How you'll die... alone... Where's your snappy comeback?
Buffy: You're right.
Buffy: [as The First] Hmm. Not your best.
Buffy: Uh, Hi! Willow, right?
Willow: Why? I-I mean, hi! Uh, did you want me to move?
Buffy: Why don't we start with, 'Hi, I'm Buffy,' and, uh, then let's segue directly into me asking you for a favor. It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hanging out with me for a while.
Willow: But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia?
Buffy: I can't do both?
Willow: Not legally.
[Xander sniffs Buffy]
Buffy: Okay, now what?
Xander: You took a bath.
Buffy: Yeah, I-I often do. I'm actually known for it.
Xander: That's okay.
Buffy: And the weird behavior award goes to...
Buffy: You have to stick up for yourself, Amanda. You need to show this bully that you're not going to take anymore of his shi- guff. Any guff.
[last lines]
Rupert: We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the Earth and its total destruction.
Buffy: Well, I got to look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
Xander: Oh, yeah. That's a plan, 'cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, you know, like excessive not studying.
Rupert: The Earth is doomed.
[having meet the new Watcher]
Buffy: Faith, wait. Look, I know this new guy's a dork, but... Well, I have nothing to follow that. He's pretty much just a dork.
Principal: You have visions?
Buffy: Sometimes.
Principal: Oh... Well, how do you know that they're not just dreams?
Buffy: You're running to catch the bus naked? That's a dream. Army of vicious vampire creatures? That's a vision. Also, I was awake.
Principal: A bus to where?
Buffy: What abut you? You just going for a quick spin to 7-Eleven... in Nebraska?
Clem: It's gettin' *bad* here, really bad. Hellmouth acting up again. People feeling it, getting crazier. You can't swing a cat without hitting some kind of demonic activity. Not that I swing cats, or eat. Nope. Cutting way back. Cholesterol- Morals! I mean morals.
Buffy: Right.
Clem: We've seen some bad stuff in this town before, but, you know, this time, it's like it just seems different, more powerful. I don't think anyone's gonna be able to stop it. I mean, I'm sure you'll do fine. Complete confidence in you.
[laughs]
Clem: Uh, if anyone can do it, you can, because you rock! If you save the world, I'll come back. We'll have drinks. When. When, I mean. When you save the world. It's gonna be great with all the rocking... Maybe... Maybe you should just get out of town this time.
Buffy: Yeah. I probably should.
Clem: You take care of yourself, okay?
[first lines]
[a couple in an alley threatened by a gang]
Man: I'm sure we can work something out.
Woman: A deal of some sort. Anything you want.
Buffy: [off-screen] I always wanted a pony. Oh.
[they turn to look at her]
Buffy: You weren't really speaking to me, were you? My bad. Well, as long as I'm here...
[looking at a dead body on Xander's construction site]
Buffy: No skin.
Xander: Tough to look at.
Buffy: And yet my eyes refuse to look away. Stupid eyes.
Darla: Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?
Buffy: Bad hair on top of that outfit?
Buffy: Well, I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish-yet-affordable boots, but there's definitely something unnatural going on here. And that doesn't usually lead to hugs and puppies.
Buffy: Yeah. She saw these scores, and her head spun around and exploded.
Rupert: I-I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?
Buffy: So, how's it going with Amy the rat?
Willow: Good! She loves her new exercise wheel. She runs around, her nose wiggles and...
Buffy: I-I meant, how's it going changing her back into a human being?
Willow: Oh... Still working on it. But I just got her the cutest little bell, it's just...
[last lines]
Joyce: Buffy? If you're going out, why don't you take your sister?
Buffy: Mom!
Willow: Are you sure this thing called itself The First?
Buffy: Pretty sure. It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else.
Anya: Please. How many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?"
[everyone stares at her]
Anya: Or terrified. Whatever.
Buffy: It wasn't a line.
[Buffy fires a crossbow at the Judge demon]
The: Who dares?
Buffy: Think I got his attention.
The: You're a fool. No weapon forged can stop me.
Buffy: That was then...
[pulls out a rocket launcher]
Buffy: ... this is now.
The: What's that do?
[Xander is examining an Initiative taser rifle]
Xander: So, here it is. The latest in state-of-the-art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn't look that complicated.
Buffy: So can you repair it?
Xander: Sure. Just as soon as I get my Master's degree in advanced starship technology.
Willow: Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens.
Giles: Uh, well, I'd like to veto that.
Xander: Second. It's called a blaster, Wil. A word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the orgasminator, I'd be the first to try your basic button-press approach.
Rupert: The, um, vampire that attacked you, can you furnish me with some details that might help me trace their lineage? I mean, ancient or-or-or modern dress. Amulets, cultish tattoos.
Buffy: Uh, no tats. Crapper dressers. And, uh... oh, the one that nearly bit me mentioned something about kissing toast. He lived for kissing toast.
Rupert: [alarmed] Do you mean, Kakistos?
Buffy: Maybe it was taquitos. Maybe he lived for taquitos. What?
Rupert: Kakistos.
Buffy: Is that bad?
Rupert: Kakistos is Greek. It means the worst of the worst. It's also the name of a vampire so old that his hands and feet are cloven.
Buffy: Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slippin' that jacket on just a little bit.
Xander: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.
[first lines]
Riley: We're not expecting anyone, are we?
Buffy: Willow said she was gonna be at the science library all night.
Riley: Is that right?
[Willow enters the room]
Buffy: Uh, apparently not.
Wesley: Buffy, this is a job for the both of you. This demon could be anywhere. If these books are as important as he says, he has good reason to hide. Finding him's going to be extremely difficult.
Xander: [entering] Found your demon.
Buffy: Fashion tip, Wes. Mouth looks better closed.
Buffy: What did you do to her?
Willow: Teleportation spell. Still working out the kinks.
Buffy: Where'd you send her?
Willow: Don't know. That's one of the kinks.
Rupert: Why did you come here? This wasn't your fight!
[knocks him to the ground with a punch in the face]
Buffy: Are you trying to get yourself killed?
[she begins crying, kneels down, and takes a sobbing Giles into her arms]
Buffy: You can't leave me. I can't do this alone.
[last lines]
Buffy: I don't know what the mayor was talking about... How could he know anything about us?
Angel: Yeah, well, he's evil.
Buffy: Big time. He doesn't even know what a lasting relationship is.
Angel: No.
Buffy: Probably the only lasting relationship he's ever had is... with... evil.
Angel: Yeah.
Buffy: Big, stupid, evil guy... We'll be okay.
Angel: We will.
[teenage Joyce pulls a pair of handcuffs out of her back pocket]
Buffy: Never tell me.
Willow: He said he wasn't coming back until he'd driven to all fifty states.
Buffy: Did you explain about Hawaii?
Willow: Well, he seemed so determined.
Buffy: Did you guys see that?
Spike: [as Randy] Vampires!
Tara: Maybe it's Halloween.
Dawn: It doesn't feel like Halloween.
Xander: Even if it is, those guys are definitely not kids, and those are definitely not costumes. Randy's right. Looks like we have vampires.
Andrew: I'm telling you, my spider-sense is tingling. This is gonna get hairy. I'm talkin' weird with a beard. Better untie me.
Buffy: And that'll help us, how?
Andrew: [sighs] Okay. I know what you're thinking. Andrew, bad guy. You think I'm a supervillain like Dr. Doom or Apocalypse or-or The Riddler. But I admit I-I went over to the dark side, but just to pick up a few things, a-a-and now I'm back. I've learned. I'm good again.
Buffy: And when were you good before?
Andrew: Okay, technically, never. Touché. But I'm like Vader in the last 5 minutes of Jedi with redemptive powers... Minus a redemptive struggle of... epic redemption which chronicles.
[sighs]
Andrew: These ropes itch.
Buffy: I'm just worried this whole session's gonna turn into some training montage from an eighties movie.
Rupert: Ah. Well, if we hear any inspirational power chords, we'll just lie down until they go away.
Vamp: [has just shoved Percy after he tried to intimidate her; he's landed on the pool table and done a reverse somersault to the floor] I'm having an awful night.
[grabs Percy by the neck and hauls him to a standing position]
Vamp: You want to make it better?
[Percy struggles and grabs her neck, both uselessly]
Xander: [addressing some onlookers to Percy and Vamp Willow's altercation] What's going on? Is there a funny thing?
[Sees what he thinks is Percy attacking Willow and rushes over]
Xander: Back off!
[throws Percy to the floor]
Xander: Stay the hell away from her!
Percy: Okay - sure!
[scrambles away]
Vamp: Xander!
Xander: Will.
[taking in her black-leather-and-frill outfit]
Xander: Changing the look not an idle threat with you.
Vamp: You're alive!
[starts hugging Xander]
Xander: Ah, Will, this is verging on naughty touching here. Don't want to fall back into bad habits...
[Vamp Willow's arms slide all the way down his back]
Xander: Hands!
[steps back]
Xander: Hands in new places!
Vamp: You're *alive*.
Xander: You mentioned that before. Will, are you okay?
Vamp: [sadly] No. Everything's different.
Buffy: [walking up] There you are.
Xander: Hey, Buff.
Buffy: Aren't you going to introduce me to your... holy god, you're Willow.
Vamp: [to Buffy] *You*
Buffy: You know what? I-I like the look. It's..um... it's extreme, but it looks good, you know? It's a leather thing. And, uh...
[to Xander]
Buffy: I said "extreme" already, right?
Vamp: [menacingly] I don't like you.
Buffy: Will, I'm sorry about today. You know my foot likes to live in my mouth, but you know, you really didn't have to prove anything.
Vamp: Leaving now
[turns away]
Xander: Will, gotta say, not loving the new you.
[first lines]
Dawn: What is a CAT scan exactly?
Buffy: I don't know. It's some X-ray, I guess.
Dawn: Where do they get the CAT scan from...? I mean, do they test it on cats or... or does the machine sort of look like a cat?
[last lines]
[Angel and Buffy are strolling through the cemetery]
Buffy: God, the whole thing was so creepy. Well, at the same time, I mean... he did do it all for his brother.
Angel: Sounds like he took it a little over the edge.
Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
Angel: What?
Buffy: Crazy stuff.
Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a 241-year-old being jealous of a high-school junior?
Buffy: Are you fessing up?
Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
Buffy: I don't love Xander.
Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints... He gets to see you in the sunlight.
Buffy: I don't look that good in direct light.
Angel: It'll be morning soon.
Buffy: I should probably go... I could walk you home.
Buffy: The Hellmouth has begun its semi-annual percolation. Usually, it blows around May.
Principal: Was it like this before? I mean, it just seems to me as if things are getting bad faster than we thought.
Buffy: We're a little ahead of schedule.
Xander: Excuse me. I need to be both giving and receiving of mirth. Is it too much to ask for a little backup?
Buffy: I'm here for you Xand. I'm Support-O-Gal.
Buffy: Oh... honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you wanna be "William the Bloody" or just Spike... 'cause either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Whereas the name "Buffy" gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with "Buffy"?
Rupert: Oh, such a good question.
[inspecting the scythe]
Rupert: In addition to being ancient, it's, well, it's clearly mystical.
Buffy: Yeah, I figured that one out when I King Arthured it out of the stone.
Peter: Help. Help me, please. I'm bleeding.
Buffy: Sorry. My office hours are 10:00 to 4:00.
Anya: I'd been dumped. I was miserable. Doing a few vengeance spells. Boils on the penis. Nothing fancy.
Xander: Please skip ahead.
Anya: D'Hoffryn got wind of me. He offered to elevate me.
Buffy: Meaning?
Anya: They made me a demon.
Buffy: [discussing a sighting of Claw] So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand. How many things am I afraid of?
Rupert: Not many. And not substitute teachers, as a rule.
Riley: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous.
Rupert: [looking in a book] Toth.
Rupert: What?
Buffy: He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.
Rupert: No. Toth is the name of the demon.
[visiting Joyce Summers in the hospital, Dawn helps herself to the Jell-O on Joyce's tray]
Dawn: It's good and wiggly. This girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground-up cow's feet, and that if you eat Jell-O, there's some cows that are limping with no feet. But I told her I'm sure they're killed before they take off their feet... Right?
Buffy: [to Joyce] You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.
Angel: I thought we had...
Buffy: A date. So did I. But who am I kidding? Dates are things normal girls have. Girls who have time to think about nail polish and facials. You know what I think about? Ambush tactics. Beheading... Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of.
Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me?
Buffy: He was in my room.
Rupert: Who?
Buffy: Angel. He was in my room last night.
Rupert: Are you sure?
Buffy: Positive. When I woke up, I found a picture he'd left me on my pillow.
Xander: A visit from the pointed-tooth fairy.
Riley: Wow.
Buffy: Those were my best stories, and I didn't tell you the "Buffy breaks her butt" stories.
Riley: But you killed the... You did the thing with that... You drowned. And the snake...? Not to mention *daily* slayage of... Wow.
Buffy: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
Riley: Buffy... When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending... I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself... needing to know the plural of apocalypse.
Buffy: It's so weird... Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.
Willow: Well, sort of, except...
Buffy: Except what?
Willow: You're still the only thing he thinks about.
Buffy: Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.
Anya: Oh, okay, um... say you really like shrimp a lot, or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "*Blah*, I wish there weren't any shrimp," you'd say to yourself...
Buffy: Stop! You're saying it wrong... I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world, and we're all, like, his pawns.
Anya: Or prawns.
Buffy: Stop with the shrimp! I am trying to do something here!
Rupert: You didn't lose last night, Buffy. You just...
Buffy: Got really close... I-I slipped up, Giles. I've been training harder than ever and still I... And there's nothing in any of these books to help me understand why. I mean, look. I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now, like a Cheeto... If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again.
Willow: Buffy, earlier you agreed with me about Thanksgiving. It's a sham. It's all about death.
Buffy: It *is* a sham... but it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham.
Willow: You're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.
Buffy: I'm gonna get going.
Xander: [checking his watch] Now? The night's still... Well, okay, it's a little mature, but still.
Buffy: [to Giles] Then if you would't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might want to leave off the "idiot" part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander: That actually kinda turns me on.
Buffy: I fear you.
Rupert: There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of-of Angelus, the one with the angelic face.
Buffy: They got that right.
Buffy: I trust you with my life. So I need you to do this for me.
Xander: Okay.
Buffy: Also, you can't shoot a bow and arrow anymore. And-And every time you pick up a sword I worry that you're gonna break one of our good lamps.
Xander: Hey!
Buffy: Don't look at me. You're the one who said I'm gonna die.
Xander: I never said you were gonna die. I- I *implied* that you were gonna die. It's totally different.
Buffy: Yeah, okay. Sure.
Xander: Besides, if you die, I'll just bring you back to life. That's what I do.
Buffy: So, you like to party with the students? Isn't that kind of skanky?
Rupert: [witheringly] Uh, right. This is me having fun. Watching clown hair prance about is hardly my idea of a party. I'd much rather be at home with a cup of Bovril and a good book.
Buffy: You need a personality, stat!
Buffy: [about Dawn] She was listening.
Willow: Does it matter? I mean, is she really gonna set the junior high school buzzing with, "Ooh, there's a delegation a-comin'."
Willow: But how are you gonna fight this thing with a 107 degree temperature?
Buffy: I guess we'll find out.
[uncorks the vial and is about to drink the contents]
Willow: Buffy!
Buffy: Will, I'm going to do this.
Willow: Buffy, that's 100 percent pure. It'll kill you in an instant.
Buffy: Oh... They really should put that on the label.
[Giles, Willow, Xander and Buffy in the library discussing Vamp Willow]
Willow: This is creepy. I don't like the thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me.
Xander: Not looks like... is.
Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh, yeah.
[Giles raises his hand]
Angel: [rushing in] Buffy, I... S-Something's happened that... Willow's dead.
[no one looks surprised]
Angel: [Angel sees Willow] Hey, Willow.
[takes another look at her]
Angel: Wait a second...
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.
Buffy: We saw her, too, at the Bronze.
Angel: Okay. Uh, she's there now with a cadre of vampires looking to party.
Buffy: We can figure out who she is after we stop the feeding frenzy.
Buffy: [on phone] Thank you. I'll let you know.
[hangs up]
Giles: What is it?
Buffy: It's Faith... She's awake... She beat someone up, took her clothing and disappeared out of the hospital. No one knows where she is.
Xander: I'd say this qualifies for a worse timing ever award.
Willow: What do we do?
Giles: Well, we have to find her.
Willow: What about Adam?
Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic.
Buffy: Well, Faith's not exactly Low-Profile Girl. I'll patrol and wait for her to make a move.
Giles: And then what?
Willow: Oh, I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her.
[grins]
Xander: Good plan.
Buffy: Good on paper, but we still have a decision to make... Do we hand her over to the cops? They wouldn't know what to do with a Slayer even if they knew we existed.
Willow: What about the Council?
Xander: Been there, tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm, as I recall.
Giles: Well, the Initiative, they do have, uh, containment facilities.
Xander: One word. Evil.
Buffy: There's no way around it. Faith is back and, whether I like it or not, she's my responsibility.
Willow: Yeah. Too bad. That was the funnest coma ever.
Buffy: We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling.
Xander: Who she's doing.
Buffy: She could be terrified. Maybe she doesn't even remember. Or-Or maybe she does and-and she's sorry and she's alone, hiding somewhere?
Giles: Well, uh, perhaps there's some form of, uh, rehabilitation we just haven't thought about.
Willow: And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid Plan "B."
Buffy: I'm not gonna rule it out. First thing, we need to find her. Then we can take it from there.
Riley: Who's Faith?
Xander: You don't know how to kill this thing?
Buffy: I thought I might try violence.
Xander: Solid call.
Xander: Happy Birthday, Buffy!
[Xander and Anya wheel in a wooden chest]
Buffy: Oh, my God. Did you guys make that?
Anya: Yes. Well, Xander did the building. Um, I offered helpful suggestions while observing from a safe distance.
Buffy: I just thought... Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, "I was there." I went to high school. I had friends. And... for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there'd be proof, proof... that I was chosen for something other than this... Besides...
[racks her gun]
Buffy: I look cute in a tiara.
Peter: Almighty Avilas, please accept our sacrifice. Please appear before us, oh mighty soldier of the dark. Please appear before us and grant us with infinite riches, and we will pay you with our sacrifice. We kneel before you with the gift of flesh.
[Buffy appears from hiding]
Buffy: Okay. That... is going on your permanent record.
Buffy: I lost a friend tonight...
Spike: [speaking at the same time] I wasn't in on that raiding party.
Buffy: ...And I may lose more. The whole Earth may be sucked into Hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to *not* care!
Spike: I can't fight them both alone and neither can you.
Buffy: [punches him] I hate you.
Spike: And I'm all you've got.
Buffy: It doesn't matter how well prepped you are or how well armed you are. You're a little girl.
Dawn: Woman.
Buffy: Little woman.
Dawn: I'm taller than you.
[last lines]
Buffy: [to Giles] I just wanna tell you... that, um... this... It makes me fell safe... knowing you're always gonna be here.
Buffy: That's the basic plan. So, am I crazy?
Willow: Well, "crazy" is such a strong word.
Rupert: Let's not rule it out, though.
[Spike asks Buffy to invite him into Giles house to get out of the sunlight]
Spike: Come on, I'm-I'm parboiling out here.
[Giles hands Buffy a stake]
Buffy: Want me to help make it quicker?
Spike: [pitifully] Invite me in.
Buffy: No.
Rupert: Fairly unlikely.
[Spike tries running in and is knocked back]
Spike: Oh, damn it! Look, I'm safe. I can't bite anyone. Willow, tell 'em what I did.
Willow: You-You said you were gonna kill me, then Buffy.
Spike: Yes, bad, but let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you.
Willow: It's true... He had trouble performing.
Professor: This is your objective. Sub-T-67119. Demon class, Polgara species. Though visual confirmation has not yet been made, we're confident of the target's approximate position, as it leaves behind a distinct protein marker. Dr. Angleman will brief you on its defenses.
Dr. Angelman: When threatened, bone skewers jut from the creature's forearms during battle. It's imperative when ensnaring it not to damage its arms. That's all you really need to know.
Buffy: Question.
Professor: Buffy?
Buffy: Why exactly can't we damage this Polka thing's arms? I-I, um, not-not that I want to. It's just, in my experience, when fighting for your life, body parts get damaged and better its bits than mine. Or ours.
Dr. Angelman: We wish to study the physiology of every subterrestrial's natural defenses. Part of the research we do here. Uh... Yes?
Buffy: What do they want?
Dr. Angelman: Want?
Buffy: Why are they here? Sacrifices, treasure, or-or they just gettin' rampagy? I find it's easier to predict their responses if I know...
Dr. Angelman: Uh, they're not sentient, just destructive, I believe.
Professor: They do have keen eyesight, however. You might wanna be suited up for this.
[Buffy glances at the green-clad commandos around her]
Buffy: Oh, you mean the camo and stuff? I thought about it, but, on me, it's gonna look all Private Benjamin.
[some of the commandos chuckle]
Buffy: Don't worry. I've patrolled in this halter many times.
[all the commandos laugh]
Professor: Why don't we give our attention to Dr. Angleman...
[Buffy raises her hand]
Professor: ... and save all questions until the end?
Dr. Angelman: Actually, I'm finished.
Professor: Oh. Uh, well, Agent Finn, deploy the teams.
Riley: Okay, listen up. We'll be going in a four-squad setup. Team Leaders: Gates, Taggart, and Stavros. Alpha Team, you're with me.
Professor: Report for TLs for assignments and weapon requisitions. Reminder: this is a zap-and-trap, people. Capture, not a kill. Any questions?
[sees a raised hand]
Professor: Buffy.
Willow: But you have whipped cream. I saw it Giles' fridge.
Buffy: But that's whipped cream in a canister. Look, it's only right if you whip it yourself.
Willow: Hey, and then later, we can churn our own butter and make sweaters out of sheep.
Buffy: Sorry about the party.
Xander: Ah, don't worry about it.
Anya: It gave me more time to plan the bridal shower. Uh, where do we order obscenely muscular male strippers?
Buffy: Giles, there has to be some sort of spell to reverse the invitation, right? Like a barrier: A "no shoes, no pulse, no service" kind of thing.
Willow: You're leaving again...? What, you just stopped by for your lint brush and now you're ready to go?
Buffy: It's not like anyone will mind.
Willow: Oh, no. Have a grest time. Oh. Oh, and don't forget to not write!
Buffy: Why are you attacking me? I'm trying.
Willow: Wow, and it looks so much like your giving up!
Buffy: I'm just trying to make things easier.
Willow: For who?
Buffy: You guys were doing just fine without me.
Willow: We were doing the best we could. It's not like we had a lot of choice in the matter.
Buffy: I'm sorry that I had to leave... but you don't know what I was going through.
Willow: Well, I'd like to.
Buffy: You wouldn't understand.
Willow: Well... maybe I don't need to understand. Maybe I... I just need you to talk to me.
Buffy: How can I talk to you when you were avoiding me?
Xander: It's dead.
Buffy: Yup.
Willow: Is anyone else waiting for it to go poof? Maybe we can cover it with flowers.
Joyce: So what'd you do for your birthday? D'you have fun?
Buffy: I got older.
Wesley: The Council's orders are to concentrate on the Asc...
Buffy: Orders...? I don't think I'm gonna be taking any more orders. Not from you. Not from them.
Wesley: You can't turn your back on the Council.
Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.
[Buffy throws a large candle on a sleeping Spike, waking him]
Buffy: God, do you sleep through anything? I was like, yelling and nothing.
Spike: I'm a bit knackered. Had a long night. Someone should teach you how to use candles in foreplay, love.
[Buffy throws Spike his clothes]
Buffy: Get dressed. Dawn's missing.
Spike: Again? Ever think about a Lojack for the girl? What's the story?
Buffy: She went out with Willow.
Spike: Willow? That's kind of a sorry excuse to come by. You want "the touch," all you need to do is...
Buffy: Spike. Willow's into something. Okay, her and Dawn have been missing for hours. There's some guy named Rack.
Spike: Rack?
Buffy: Yeah, he's some sort of...
Spike: I know who he is. He deals in magic. Black stuff. Dangerous.
Buffy: I've been all over downtown, and I can't find his place.
Spike: Because he cloaks it. You can't feel it unless you're into the big bad. A witch or a vampire.
Buffy: So let's go.
[Spike gets out of bed and stands up in the nude and Buffy looks away]
Spike: [sighs] Oh, that's right. Hide your blushing eyes.
Kendra: Then he is all right. We can return to your Watcher for orders.
Buffy: I don't take orders. I do things my way.
Kendra: No wonder you died.
Buffy: Let's go.
Willow: There. Dodd McAlvy: torn tendon. Gage Petronzi: fractured wrist, depression, headaches.
Buffy: It's all there in the school medical records.
Willow: All symptomatic of steroid abuse.
Xander: But is steroid abuse usually linked with "Hey, I'm a fish"?
Rupert: I'm not supposed to have a private life?
Buffy: No! Because you're very, very old and it's gross.
Buffy: Okay, Morgan, we get the joke. Horny dummy. Ha, ha. It's very funny, but you might want to consider getting some new shtick unless you want your prop ending up as a Duraflame log.
Buffy: What are you doing here?
Spike: Look...
Buffy: Five words or less.
Spike: Out, for, a, walk... bitch.
Buffy: This is all you get. I'm listening. Tell me what happened.
Spike: I tried to find it, of course.
Buffy: Find what?
Spike: The spark. The missing... The piece, that fit, that would make me fit. Because you didn't want...
[sighs]
Spike: I can't. Not with you looking... I dreamed of killing you... I think they were dreams... So weak. And you make me weak. Thinking of you, holding myself, and spilling useless buckets of salt over your... ending... Angel, he should've warned me. Makes a good show of forgetting, but it's here in me, all the time. The spark... I wanted to give you what you deserve. And I got it. They put the spark in me, and now all it does is burn.
Buffy: [whispers] Your soul.
Spike: [smiling weakly] Bit worse for lack of use.
[regarding the lyric that triggers Spike]
Buffy: [to Giles] Uh, boring, old and English. Hmm. Just like you- ull Brynner... Yul Brynner... But a-a British Yul Brynner.
Buffy: Oh, you here with someone?
Willow: No, I'm just here. I thought Xander was gonna show up.
Buffy: Oh, are you guys going out?
Willow: No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up.
Buffy: How come?
Willow: He stole my barbie.
[Buffy looks at her weirdly]
Willow: Oh, we were five.
Spike: I love you.
Buffy: Oh, my god.
Spike: Hey, no. Look at me. I... love you. You're all I bloody think about... dream about. You're in my gut... my throat... I'm drowning in you, Summers. I'm drowning in you.
Rupert: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I... I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, no. It's not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Rupert: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty.
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.
Buffy: What's with all the tragedy masks?
[last lines]
Rupert: Feel up to some training?
Buffy: Sure! We can work out after school. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my *mother*.
Spike: What? Your Mom doesn't know?
Joyce: Know what?
Buffy: hat I'm, uh... in a band. A-A rock band with Spike here.
Spike: Right. She plays the-the triangle.
Buffy: Drums.
Spike: Drums, yeah. She's, um, hell on the old skins, you know.
Rupert: You went hunting last night?
Buffy: Yes.
Rupert: When you assured me you wouldn't.
Buffy: Yes. I lied. I'm a bad person. Let's move on.
[last lines]
Buffy: I never thought you'd come.
Angel: It's a big night. I didn't wanna miss it... It's just tonight. It doesn't mean that I...
Buffy: I know... I mean, I understand.
Buffy: Will you dance with me?
Spike: Oh, my head. I think I'm soberin' up. It's horrible. Oh, God. I wish I was dead.
Buffy: Well, if you close your eyes and wish really hard...
[Buffy catches Amy in Willow's bedroom stealing and shoves her up against the door]
Buffy: What's going on?
Amy: Uh-oh. Busted.
[Gasps]
Buffy: Where's Willow?
Amy: She said--She said I could--Wait.
Buffy: [Looking through the contents and finds a leafy substance] What is this?
Amy: It's not what you think it is. It's sage.
Buffy: That is what I think it is.
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