Top 50 Quotes From Andrew Wells

Warren: We tested her, faced her, and we survived.
Jonathan: Unless I have internal injuries that will eventually kill me.
Andrew: Oh, of course. But, barring that, Warren's right. We did good!

Andrew: Uh, Willow, a call for you from L.A. Somebody named Fred. Guy sounds kind of effeminate.

Andrew: Babe II: Pig in the City was really underrated.
Warren: [as The First] Don't think about Babe.
Andrew: Right.
Warren: [as The First] You're Conan. You're The Destroyer. It's you against nature. You're the hunter. You're primal. You live off the land. You're Andrew. Everyone knows you. You play by your own rules. It's kill or be killed.
Andrew: [yells] That'll do, pig!

Andrew: That was kinda beautiful. You... You love humans.
Anya: I do not!
Andrew: Yes, you do. You loooove them.
Anya: Stop it! I don't love them! And I'll kill you if you tell anybody!

[Mexico, 2002]
Andrew: We're fugitives, haunted by our past, tormented by a message we don't understand.
Jonathan: We're hunted men, driven mad by forces beyond our understanding.
Andrew: We're men of faded power, tortured from within by-by a voice out of nowhere.
Jonathan: I don't deserve this. I wasn't even that evil.
Andrew: I thought you were evil.
Jonathan: Yeah?
Andrew: Sure... I respected your ideas for- for evil projects, and I thought you had good follow-through.
Jonathan: Oh. Well, thanks. It's nice that you noticed.

M'Fashnik: Which one of you is the leader?
Jonathan: I am.
M'Fashnik: I will kill the leader.
Jonathan: He is.
M'Fashnik: I will kill you all.
Jonathan: Wait! No fair.

Andrew: Now this whole thing, whole thing, is being orchestrated by something called "The First." It's made up of all the evil in the whole world. Oh, there's also, uh, these guys. Uh, they-they- they work for The First. We don't know much about them except for they're very ugly and they're... very mobile for blind people.

[after a Bringer spoke through him]
Andrew: I feel used and violated and I need a lozenge.

Jonathan: I still can't believe that was Willow. I mean, I've known her almost as long as you guys. Willow was, you know... she packed her own lunches and wore floods and was always... just Willow.
[the car gets hit]
Jonathan: Geez it!
Andrew: What was that?
Xander: Just Willow.

Andrew: [voice-over] Buffy and Spike have some kind of history. You can feel the heat between them, although, technically, as a vampire, he's room temperature.

Andrew: I spy with my little eye something that begins with a 'T'.
Spike: Tapestry.
Andrew: Hey! Good one. How did you...
Spike: Tapestry's the only thing in the whole bloody room.

Andrew: Hello? Screen wipe. New scene. I had nothing to do with the devil-dogs. I trained flying demon monkeys to attack the school play. School play, dude.
Warren: That was cool. That was kinda cool. It was funny.
Jonathan: Remember, everyone was like, "Run, Juliet!"

Andrew: Oh, and there's a box of ointment, here. I used one of these on a rash once.
Anya: Oh. Show me.
Andrew: Well, it-it-it's healed up, but it was red and crusty with these little itchy places.
Anya: Show me the box full of ointments, you little freak.

Warren: This mummy hand has ceased to be!
Andrew: It is an ex-mummy hand!

Jonathan: [as The First] Andrew, I want you to think. Willow brought something to this house. Something good. Something you can use.
Andrew: The new microwave?

Spike: In my head. The chip in my head.
Warren: We're kind of in the middle of somethin'.
Spike: Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I'm in charge.
Warren: Yeah, what are you gonna do if we don't especially feel like maybe playing your- What are- Wait. What are you doing?
[Spike takes Boba Fett action figure off its base]
Spike: Examine my chip or else Mr. Fett here is the first to die.
Jonathan: Hey! All-All right. Let's not- Let's not not do anything crazy here.
Andrew: That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.
Warren: All right, dude, chill. You can still make it right. You know you don't wanna do this.
Spike: What I want is answers, nimrod.
Warren: Right. But you don't want to hurt the Fett, because, man, you're *not* comin' back from that! You know, you don't just *do* that and walk away.
Spike: That right? Let's find out.
[about to rip head off of action figure]
Warren: *One* sec- One second.

Andrew: I just wanna say how proud I am to die for this very special cause with you guys. There's some, um... There's people I'd like to thank, both good and evil, um... A shout-out to my brother, Tucker, who gave me the inspiration to summon demons and also...
Anya: Nobody cares, you little monkey.

Andrew: [about Buffy] She's like a woman fighting for more than life. She fights like fighting is her life... It is the air she breathes, and she knows she will win because there is no alternative.

[Jonathan and Andrew sit with Spike while Warren is working]
Andrew: You're English, right?
Spike: Yeah?
Andrew: I've seen every episode of Doctor Who... Not Red Dwarf, though, cause, um...
Jonathan: 'Cause it's not out yet on DVD.
Andrew: Right. It's not out yet on... DVD.
Spike: [shouts] *Warren*!

[Buffy, Spike and Xander enter the house to find the Scoobies waiting up for them. Xander's shirt is wrapped around his waist as a surrogate bandage]
Willow: What happened?
Xander: What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me. I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on. Let's gay.
Willow: What?
Xander: You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I-I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?
Andrew: [sighs] Captain Archer...
Xander: Come on. Let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.
Buffy: What if you just start attracting male demons?
Dawn: [chuckles] Clem always liked you.

[about the invisibility gun]
Andrew: I pictured something cooler, more ILM, less Ed Wood.

Anya: For God's sakes Andrew, you've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
Andrew: Entertaining and educating.
Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?

[Giles is taken to the ground by the gang]
Xander: Touch him! Touch him!
Dawn: Oh, I feel him! I feel him!
Xander: Me too.
Andrew: Me too.
Rupert: Good. We all feel each other. Including some of us who don't know each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you. Um, I assume there is a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation, yes?
Anya: We thought you might be non-corporeal evil.
Dawn: We got a call. We couldn't remember you touching anything.
Xander: We had to make sure you were okay. We were worried.
Rupert: Oh. Ah. Yes, well, that's very sweet. Now, wait a minute, you thought- You think I'm evil if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and *don't* touch them?

Jonathan: No, I'm serious. I really miss it. Time goes by, and everything drops away. All the cruelty, all the pain, all the humiliation. It all washes away. I miss my friends. I miss my enemies. I miss the people I talked to everyday. I miss the people who never knew I existed. I miss 'em all... I wanna talk to them, you know? I wanna find out how they're doing. I-I wanna know what's going on in their lives.
Andrew: You know what? They don't wanna talk to you. All those people you just mentioned? Not *one* of them is sitting around going, "I wonder what Jonathan's up to right now?" Not one of them cares about you.
Jonathan: Well, I still care about them. That's why I'm here.

Kennedy: I don't care if it's Godzilla. I wanna get in this thing.
Andrew: Godzilla is mostly Tokyo-based, so he's probably a no-show.
Amanda: Besides, Matthew Broderick can kill Godzilla. How tough is he?
Andrew: [in a whiny voice] Xander?
Xander: Matthew Broderick did not kill Godzilla. He killed a big, dumb lizard that was *not* the real Godzilla.

Andrew: What's going on?
Anya: Dawn's gonna be a Slayer.
Andrew: Holy crap! Excuse me. Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny.
Xander: Say "Skywalker," and I smack ya.

Andrew: Don't kill me!
Willow: I'm not gonna kill you.
Andrew: Don't torture me and send me to an eternal pain dimension.
Willow: I'm not gonna.
Andrew: Warren killed Tara. I didn't do it. And he was aiming for Buffy, anyway.
Willow: Not making it better.
Andrew: And you got your revenge! You killed my best friend. We're even.
Willow: Even? You think I get satisfaction from what I did?
Andrew: Maybe not, but let me keep my skin, okay? I'm not bad. I'm not bad anymore. I'm good. I do good things now.
Willow: Then, why do you need lots and lots of blood?
Andrew: I am bad. I'm bad. I'm evil. But I'm protected by powerful forces. Forces you can't even begin to imagine, little girl. If you harm me you shall know the wrath of he that is darkness and terror. Your blood will boil, and you will know true suffering. Stand down, she-witch. Your defeat is at hand...
Willow: Shut your mouth! I *am* a she-witch. A very *powerful* she-witch. Or witch, as is more accurate. I am not to be trifled with...
Andrew: But I...
Willow: I'm talking! Don't interrupt me. Insignificant man! I am Willow. I am Death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true... Okay?

[first lines]
[drive ATVs and chasing vampires]
Warren: They're getting to the gate!
Andrew: Yeah. I see it. I see it.

Anya: I don't know. You might survive.
Andrew: No, *you* might survive... You know how to handle a weapon, and you've been in this world for, like, a thousand years. I'm not so...
[sighs]
Andrew: I don't think I'll be okay. I'm cool with it... I think I'd like to finish out as one of those lame humans trying to do what's right.
Anya: Yeah.
Andrew: So, wheelchair fight?

Anya: Well, there was this other apocalypse this one time. And, well, I took off. But this time, I don't- I don't know.
Andrew: Well, what's different?
Anya: Well, I guess I was kinda new to being around humans before. And now I've seen a lot more, gotten to know people, seen what they're capable of and... I guess I just realized how amazingly screwed up they all are. I mean, really, really screwed up in a monumental fashion.
Andrew: Oh.
Anya: And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die, which they- they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is *clearly* insane... And yet, here's the thing... When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do. They never... They never quit... And so I guess I will keep fighting, too.

Jonathan: We're not killers. We're crime lords!
Andrew: Yeah, like-like Lex Luthor. He's always trying to take over Metropolis, but he doesn't kill Superman.
Warren: Because it's Superman's book, you moron!
Andrew: But, Lex doesn't kill him, does he?

Xander: How's your face?
[he gives Andrew a glass of water]
Andrew: Ok.
Xander: [starts untying him] Sorry about that. She shouldn't have hit you.
[hands him the glass of water]
Xander: Thirsty? Go on.
Andrew: [Andrew sniffs the water] That chick's psycho.
[he drinks from it]
Xander: You don't know the half of it. She's a vengeance demon, you know.
[sits in chair]
Xander: She's bad news.
Andrew: This one time I saw her having sex with Spike.
Xander: She's killed more men than smallpox.
Andrew: Does smallpox still kill people?
Xander: She's killed a lot of men. She tortures them. Anyone who incurs her wrath. One time she-
[pats his arm, leans back]
Xander: No, never mind.
Andrew: What?
Xander: It's not important.
Andrew: What'd she do?
Xander: [leans forward] Well, there was this one guy-there was this one guy, he, uh, he hurt her real bad, so she paid him back. She killed him, but she did it real slow. See first she stopped his heart, then she replaced it with darkness, then she made him live his life like that. But he still had to go do his job and see his friends and wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, but he had to do it all empty. Without anything to look forward to. Ever.
Andrew: Sounds bad.
Xander: Well, then she tore out his intestines and rubbed it in his face and took pictures of it.
Andrew: Oh, God.
Xander: But she's downstairs now. Don't worry about her.
Andrew: What if...
Xander: See, the thing is, we've all been a little on edge lately. Some bad things have been happening, and the girls-they're all looking for someone to blame.
Andrew: I didn't do anything...
Anya: [from the hallway] You lying son of a bitch!
[storms into the room and storms toward Andrew]
Anya: You're gonna tell us what we need to know, and you're gonna tell us right now!
[Andrew who is tied to the chair falls over]
Xander: Anya no!
Andrew: Stop it!
[Xander pulls Anya of Andrew]
Anya: Get off me, Harris!
[slaps Xander, she mouths the words "I'm sorry" to him, turns back to Andrew]
Anya: C'mere, you pipsqueak!
[shakes Andrew's shoulders against the floor]
Andrew: Get her off me! I'll tell you! I'll tell you what you need to know!

Andrew: I like the real bandages better. These bedsheets are awfully festive.
[Groans]
Anya: Yeah. They're gonna look like mortally wounded Easter baskets.
Injured: What?
Anya: Oh.
[Anya takes a drink from a bottle of scotch]
Andrew: H-Hey! We're supposed to use that to sterilize wounds. Mr. Giles said.
Anya: Come on. What does it really matter?
Andrew: Hmm. Good point.
[Andrew takes a drink of the scotch]
Anya: Giles knows his single-malt antiseptics.
Andrew: [Groans] Everything's horrible.
Anya: Yep. Many of these girls will die. A slaughterhouse is what it is.
Injured: What?
Anya: Oh. Trying to talk will just kill you sooner.
Andrew: We need supplies, and not just bandages and junk. These-these girls need stitches and painkillers.
Anya: Yeah, well, I could use a cookie but I'm not making reckless wishes.
Andrew: No. No. We can do it. The hospital, it's gotta be all abandoned like the grocery store. Supplies just lying around for the taking. I'm going in.
[Takes another drink]
Anya: You are?
Andrew: And you're coming with me.
Anya: I am?
Andrew: Well, I think you should drive, 'cause that scotch made me a little dizzy.
Anya: Okay. I'll get Kennedy to watch the girls. She's tough. Imminent death won't bother her.
Injured: What?

Warren: [as The First] Hey! You know the rules. I can't take corporeal form. Here, feel... Mm-hmm.
[Andrew passes his hand through Warren's chest]
Andrew: Cool.
Warren: [as The First] Pretty bitchin', right? I'm like Obi-Wan.
Andrew: Or Patrick Swayze.

Andrew: I'm... I was about to be dead... You saved me.
Buffy: For the time being. But if you don't tell us what we need to know, then I'm gonna offer you to The First on a platter and let him chop you into tiny pieces.
Andrew: The first what?
Anya: The name of the evil thing that pretended to be Warren to get you to kill Jonathan.
Andrew: Oh. Not very ominous sounding.
Dawn: No, it is if you understand the context.
Andrew: No. An evil name should be like Lex or Voldemort or...
Buffy: Hey! I was intimidating here.
Andrew: Oh. Sorry. Um, go ahead.
Buffy: [sighs] Forget it. Where's the Seal?

Buffy: [to Turok-Han] Looks good, doesn't it? They're trapped in here. Terrified. Meat for the beast. And there's nothin' they can do but wait... That's all they've been doing for days, waiting to be picked off, having nightmares about monsters that can't be killed. But I don't believe in that. I always find a way. I am the thing that monsters have nightmares about. And right now... you and me are gonna show 'em why... It's time... Welcome to Thunderdome.
Andrew: Two men enter. One man leaves.

Xander: So, did you see?
Andrew: I-I was scared. I'm sorry.
Xander: Did you see what happened? I mean, was she...
Andrew: She was incredible. She died saving my life.
Xander: That's my girl. Always doin' the stupid thing.

Jonathan: [at the Bronze] What are we doing here? Somebody might recognize us... This is great. We're risking everything so that Charles Atlas can get a date. He's gonna end up getting us thrown into jail. Or worse. Maybe you and I should think about...
Andrew: Warren's the boss. He's Picard. You're Deanna Troi. Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.

Xander: You're not coming.
Andrew: What? W-Why? 'Cause I used to be evil?
Xander: No. Actually, because you're annoying, but, uh, that's a good reason, too.
Andrew: Wait, Wait. Don't-Don't- Don't leave me here alone. I-I keep getting attacked in this house.
Dawn: Actually, Xand...
Andrew: W-What if this is all part of the plan? Drive you guys away so it can have its way with me? E-Ev-Ever think of that?
Xander: I'll risk it.
Andrew: Okay. Well, if you leave me here alone, I'll-I'll do something evil, like burning something or gluing things together.

Andrew: [to videocam] Hey, I think Buffy stopped talking. That usually means she had to go to work. Let's see what the little locusts left for breakfast, shall we?

Andrew: [to video-cam] Check out Spike and the principal... There's something going on there... sexual tension you could cut with a knife.

Andrew: We can do anything. We could stay up all night if we wanna.
Warren: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't get all crazy on us, Andrew.
Andrew: I was only saying.

Jonathan: I need you to hold hands.
Andrew: With each other?
Warren: Well, you know what homophobia really means about you, don't you?
Jonathan: Stop touching my magic bone!

[Anya takes a swig from a bottle]
Andrew: H-Hey! We're supposed to use that to sterilize wounds. Mr. Giles said.
Anya: Come on. What does it really matter?
[Anya hands the bottle to Andrew]
Andrew: Hmm. Good point.
[Andrew takes a swig]
Anya: Giles knows his single malt antiseptics.

Warren: Wh-What the hell is that?
Andrew: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
Jonathan: Thermal exhaust port's *above* the main port, numb nuts.
Andrew: For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised designs from Return of the Jedi.
Jonathan: That's a flawed design!

[Mexico, 2002]
Warren: [as The First] Did you, uh... Did you get the knife?
Andrew: Yeah. It wasn't easy. I had to meet this demon guy who sells all kinds of weird weapons and stuff.
Warren: [as The First] Okay, show me.
Andrew: Well, I didn't buy them, but there were poison arrows, and this sort of collapsible sword...
Warren: [as The First] Show me the knife!

Andrew: [narrating] Faith. Her name alone invokes awe. Faith. A set of principles or beliefs upon which you're willing to devote your life. The Dark Slayer. A lethal combination of beauty, power, and death. For years and years or, to be more accurate, months, Faith fought on the side of good, terrorizing the evil community. But like so many tragic heroes, Faith was seduced by the lure of the dark side. She wrapped evil around her like a large evil Mexican serape. She became a cold-blooded killer. Nobody was immune to her trail of destruction. Not friends, not family, not even the most pacifist and logical of races.
[Faith fighting a Vulcan - very like Spock in Star Trek - in a cave]
Amanda: What the hell are you talking about? I thought Faith killed a volcanologist.
Andrew: [chuckles] Silly... silly... Amanda. Why would Faith kill a person who studies Vulcans?
Amanda: He studied volcanoes. He was a professor?
Andrew: Ah, yes... Well, regardless.

Andrew: I'm telling you, my spider-sense is tingling. This is gonna get hairy. I'm talkin' weird with a beard. Better untie me.
Buffy: And that'll help us, how?
Andrew: [sighs] Okay. I know what you're thinking. Andrew, bad guy. You think I'm a supervillain like Dr. Doom or Apocalypse or-or The Riddler. But I admit I-I went over to the dark side, but just to pick up a few things, a-a-and now I'm back. I've learned. I'm good again.
Buffy: And when were you good before?
Andrew: Okay, technically, never. Touché. But I'm like Vader in the last 5 minutes of Jedi with redemptive powers... Minus a redemptive struggle of... epic redemption which chronicles.
[sighs]
Andrew: These ropes itch.

Anya: For God's sakes, Andrew. You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
Andrew: Entertaining and educating.
Anya: Well, why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?

[last lines]
Andrew: [to video-cam] Here's the thing. I killed my best friend. There's a big fight coming, and...
[sighs]
Andrew: I don't know what's gonna happen... I don't even think I'm gonna live through it... That's, uh, probably the way it should be... I guess I'm...
[sighs]
Andrew: [stops recording]