The Best Roger Quotes

Roger: What's wrong, sweetie?
Phoebe: Nothing, nothing.
Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong? C'mon.
Phoebe: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't.
Roger: Oh. They don't.
Phoebe: But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little...
Roger: What?
Phoebe: Intense and creepy.
Roger: Oh.
Phoebe: But I don't. Me, Phoebe.
Roger: Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they feel that way.
Phoebe: You're not? See, that's why you're so great!
Roger: Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical behavior when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. Y'know, this kind of co-dependent, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you're like all 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!'.

Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
Ross: No. Why would I why. No. Why.
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures...
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.

Roger: [after Chandler makes a self-deprecating joke] You're so funny!
[to Phoebe]
Roger: He's really funny!
[under his breath]
Roger: I wouldn't want to be there when the laughter stops...