Top 500 Quotes From Dr. Ross Geller
Rachel: Can you believe they are actually getting married?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well sure, but I get married all the time.
Ross: What are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture?
Ross: No.
Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?
Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler. My room mate, and lead singer of our band
Monica: Ross...
Ross: Uh, this is Monica
Monica: Hi I, I'm Ross's little sister
Chandler: Ok...
Joey: [Ross, Chandler and Joey are discussing the best man for Ross and Emily's wedding] Wait, Wait! Why does Chandler get to be best man? He was yours last time!
Ross: Well, I've known Chandler a long time.
Joey: Wait a minute! C'mon Ross, I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man!
Chandler: Joey, you can be best man at my wedding.
Joey: [looks at Chandler and then back at Ross] I'll never get to be a best man!
[after Phoebe's message, Monica's answering machine beeps again]
Ross: [on the answering machine] Hi Rach'. Are you there? It's me. Pick up. Rachel? Rach'?
Rachel: [exits her room as the message ends, thinking that Ross is actually calling to her] What?
Ross: [pauses, looking smug at Rachel] Never mind.
Dr. Ledbetter: We've been getting reports of some... very angry behavior on your part.
Ross: [concerned] What?
Dr. Ledbetter: Threatening letters, refusal to meet deadlines. Apparently people now call you *mental*.
Ross: [proudly chuckles] Yeah.
Dr. Ledbetter: We want you to speak to a psychiatrist.
Ross: Oh no.
[laughs]
Ross: You don't understand. Ugh, this is so silly. Um... this is all just because of a sandwich.
Dr. Ledbetter: [laughs in confusion] A sandwich?
Ross: Yeah, yeah. You see, my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches. Her secret is, she puts a... an extra slice of gravy-soaked bread in the middle; I call it the "Moist Maker".
[Ledbetter chuckles]
Ross: Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here, and...
Dr. Ledbetter: [laughs dismissively] Oh, oh you know what?
Ross: What?
Dr. Ledbetter: I-I-I'm sorry, I-I-I believe I ate that.
[smiles]
Ross: You ate my sandwich?
Dr. Ledbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Ross: Oh-oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your *own* turkey sandwich with a Moist Maker?
Dr. Ledbetter: No, I, uh...
Ross: Do you perhaps remember seeing a *note* on top of it?
Dr. Ledbetter: There may have been a joke, or... limerick of some kind...
Ross: [getting angry] That said it was *my* sandwich.
Dr. Ledbetter: Now-now calm down. Um... come look in my office, some of it may still be in the trash.
Ross: [stands up in disbelief] What?
Dr. Ledbetter: Well, it was quite large, I-I-I had to throw most of it away.
Ross: [trying to remain composed] You-you-you-you threw my sandwich away.
[bellowing]
Ross: *MY* SANDWICH? MYYYYY SANDWICH?
Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?
Ross: I don't know.
Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing?
Ross: No, it's not just that. It's just--I want someone who... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh...
[begins to stare lovingly at Rachel]
Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn?
Ross: What?
Chandler: Could you want her more?
Ross: Who?
Chandler: [sarcastically] Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening!
[Ross has traded in his "Snuggles" for a more manly laundry detergent]
Rachel: What's that?
Ross: Uberweiss. It's strong, it's German, it's extra-tough.
[Ross' Halloween costume]
Ross: You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas.
[Everyone glares at him like he's crazy]
Ross: Sputnik? SPUD-nik
[Joey enters]
Joey: Hey. Ross came as Doody.
Ross: I didn't give her that ring!
Phoebe: You didn't?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: So whose ring is it?
Ross: It's mine!
Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring?
Ross: Yes.
Phoebe: But you didn't give it to her?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: But you were going to propose?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: Huh! I might be losing interest in this.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Monica is trying to convince the gang that she can be irresponsible, random, and a "kook"] All right, you madcap gal, try to imagine this: the phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Monica: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because you're a 'kook'! Instead, you wait until they send you a notice.
Monica: [a little uncomfortable] I could do that.
Rachel: Okay, okay, you let me go grocery shopping...
Monica: No problem!
Rachel: I'm not done yet.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: AND... I buy laundry detergent BUT... it's not the one with the easy-pour spout!
Monica: WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
[she catches herself]
Monica: One might wonder... but I would be fine with that.
Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink. It's a hot day.
[Monica begins to squirm, and Chandler goes in for the kill]
Chandler: Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...
Monica: STOP IT! Oh, my god... it's true. Who am I?
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica... you're Mom.
Phoebe: [makes screeching violins from "Psycho" noises, wielding an imaginary knife]
[Ross was selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
Ross: I lost. I only got second place. This one girl gave her girl scout outfit to her 19 year old sister. She went down to the U.S.S Nimitz and sold 2000 boxes.
Rachel: [to Monica] All right! Believe me, if you win the Lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us!
Dr. Ross Geller: [in agreement] Hmm-mm.
Monica: [offended] Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'll look *just like you*!
[Joey and Rachel gasp]
Rachel: [picks up the bowl containing the tickets] All right! You know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets!
Joey: [takes the bowl from Rachel] Yeah! I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks and Steffi Graf! Ha! Ha!
Dr. Ross Geller: [grabs the bowl from Joey] Then I want mine too and if I win, I'm gonna put it *all* in a very low yield bond!
Phoebe: [gets up] You guys, we gotta keep all the tickets *together*!
[Phoebe takes the tickets from Chandler, then takes the bowl from Ross and puts the tickets in]
Monica: [takes the bowl from Phoebe] No! No! We should divide them up and I should get extra because we used *my* car to buy them!
Joey: [angrily walks over to Monica and takes the bowl from her] Hey! Hey! If anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This whole thing was my idea!
Chandler: [sarcastically] Oh yeah! Thanks for *inventing* the Lottery!
Ross: [talking to Rachel's old boss] If you rehire Rachel, I will give your son this genuine pterodactyl egg, replica.
Ross: So, how was your date with Mr. Millionaire?
Chandler: New, from Snooty Playthings, it's Mr. Millionaire. Third wife sold separately.
Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.
Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor... is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
[Ross enters and touches Chandler on the shoulder, who flinches]
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
Joey: [Chandler and Ross stare at him] ... What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measure pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison! What's the matter with you?
Ross: I'm kind of going through a dry spell, sex wise.
Joey: Oh... for, like, months?
Ross: Five, to be... lying. Six.
Joey: Six months? Oh, that's rough.
Ross: No, I mean, it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the small things in life, like the sound of a bird, and the color of the sky...
Joey: Sky's blue, Ross! And I had sex yesterday.
Monica: [to the movers and referring to dog statue] if that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
[hands him money]
Ross: [Looking around the empty apartment] Wow.
Rachel: I know it seems smaller somehow.
Joey: [Confused] Has it always been purple?
Chandler: [to the twin babies] Look around you guys. This was your first home and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter but more importantly, because it was rent controlled it was a freaking steel.
Monica: [to Chandler] I almost forgot I promised Treeger we'd leave our keys.
Monica: [Hugs Chandler] This is harder than I thought it would be.
Dr. Ross Geller: [inspecting the books at Susan and Carol's place] Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course... Otherwise they don't let you do it.
Ross: Sir Limps-A-Lot. I came up with that.
[grins]
Ross: [pause]
Joey: You're a dork.
Ross: [Rachel is ordering a pizza] No anchovies.
Rachel: Extra anchovies.
Ross: That's okay, I'll just pick them off.
Rachel: And can you chop some up and like, mix them into the sauce?
Ross: C'mon Chandler, take off your sweats, let's have some fun
Ross: [Playing Pictionary, Rachel draws a bean] bean... bean
Joey: The Unbearable Lightness of Being!
Rachel: Yes!
Phoebe: Ooh, ugh.
[as Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"]
Ross: Oh, no, no. Stop cleansing my aura.
Phoebe: But...
[she continues to "cleanse his aura"]
Ross: No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine. Be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine, really, you guys. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: [stares at Joey] No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
[everyone stares at Chandler]
Chandler: Did I say that out loud?
Rachel: I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little... hard to follow.
Ross: I told you there was going to be subtitles.
Rachel: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on our first date.
Russ: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
Ross: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss, day two, here's your diploma.
Ross: I love marriage.
Phoebe: Seriously? You?... Divorce-O?
Chandler: [about not being part of Phoebe and Mike's wedding] This is like figure skating all over again... I mean synchronized swimming... I mean the balance beam... Help me!
Dr. Ross Geller: Football!
Ross: I'm back in the club!
Will: Yeah. Shall I call a meeting to order?
Ross: Is everybody present?
Will: With the exception if Tiktaka.
Phoebe: I want to join!
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, but I never got to be in a club. I didn't go to high school. But three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half pure evil!
Ross: That was funny. Painfully funny. No, wait. Just painful.
Dr. Ross Geller: How could you tell her?
Chandler: I had to, OK? We're getting married. Married people can't keep secrets from one another!
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler: Du-ude!
Monica: What happened in Atlantic City?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude!"
[Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel]
Ross: I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat.
Dr. Rhodes: [Ross has something on his body he can't identify, and is trying to pass it off as a Chandleresque "third nipple"] Take your shirt off and let's see what we're dealing with here.
[Ross begins to take off his pants]
Dr. Rhodes: What are you doing?
Dr. Ross Geller: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill, slice-it-right-off third nipple...
Dr. Rhodes: Well, that's not a third nipple.
Dr. Ross Geller: No?
Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass.
Dr. Ross Geller: Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, MONICA DID!
[Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"]
Monica: Sex!
Chandler: Seriously. Answer faster.
Monica: I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.
Chandler: It's like a big hug.
Phoebe: Ross, how about you? Sex or food?
Ross: Sex!
Phoebe: What about sex or dinosaurs?
Ross: My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.
Phoebe: Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
Joey: I don't know it's too hard.
Rachel: Come on, you have to answer.
Joey: Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!
Ross: I don't believe this, she could be giving birth in a cab!
Rachel: Oh Ross, relax. It's probably like $2 for the first contraction and then 50 cents each additional contraction.
[Ross glares at her]
Rachel: What? It's okay when Chandler does it?
Chandler: You have to pick your moments.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after Joel's one Ross also starts giving a toast at Barry and Mindy's wedding party] Uh, I'd like to add something to that.
Rachel: [Rachel rises from her seat scared] Why are you adding?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross reassuringly:] It's okay, it's okay.
[Rachel resettles herself still apprehensively and Ross goes on with his speech]
Dr. Ross Geller: Most of you don't know me. Uh, I'm Rachel's boyfriend...
Rachel: [while she covers her face:] Oh, dear god.
Dr. Ross Geller: ...Ross. Uh, and, uh, I'd just like to say that it *did* take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight and, uh, just for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis.
[At this moment, the drummer of the wedding band plays some tacts upon the drums and cymbals]
Dr. Ross Geller: What are you doing? I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on-on Barry is simply that... she didn't love him, which, incidentally, worked out pretty well for me.
[Ross laughs and does a movement toward the drummer, indicating that it was a funny sentence so now he can play some beats, but the drummer does not do it]
Dr. Ross Geller: Cheers.
Ross: Hey, Mon, if everything works out between you and Richard's son, you will be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
Dr. Ross Geller: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and, besides, Emma loves them. You know what? You should come with us and you'll see!
Rachel: Ross, those things go like forty miles an hour! There's a moment when you're at the top when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to Earth!
Dr. Ross Geller: Space *is* filled with orbiting children...
Ross: [on the phone] Whoa, whoa whoa! Australopithecus isn't supposed to be in that display. No! No! No! Homo habilis was erect, Australopithecus was never fully erect!
Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous.
Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey: Everyday use...
Chandler: Fancy...
Joey: Guest...
Chandler: Fancy Guest...
Ross: Two seconds.
Joey: Uh, uh... Eleven.
Ross: Amazing. Eleven is correct.
Ross: You sprayed my front twice!
The: [looking surprised] You never turned?
Ross: No! I barely even got to three Mississippi.
The: Mississippi? I said count to five.
Ross: Mississippilessly?
Joey: Boy, I tell ya - that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch.
[Joey raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him]
Ross: Why - why would I care about that?
Joey: No reason; I'm just saying that, uh... That's where I'll be.
[Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause, Ross decides to join him]
Dr. Ross Geller: [after Rachel exaggerates their imaginary wedding] What are you doing?
Rachel: What? I'm not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have!
Ross: It's 72 long stemmed roses, one for each day I've loved Emily, cut into mulch.
Rachel: I'm sorry.
Ross: That's okay. Monica is going to make potpourri!
Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I was very drunk and it was somebody else's subconscious.
Ross: Hey, this people are pros, they know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Rachel: You know what else is really great about him? Oh, what is the word for an adult who doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh...
[knocks his fists together at Rachel]
Rachel: What was that?
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica knows.
Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up just to try to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger without actually having to give it.
[to Ross]
Monica: I remember I cried the night you made that up. It was the first time I realized I was cooler than my big brother.
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, I'm gonna go get ready...
[knocks his fists at Monica]
Ross: [filming with a camera] Hey, there's Uncle Joey!
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday.
Joey: [flirty] 18, huh?
Ross: Joey, no!
Joey: What? It's for her hot friends.
Ross: When they see this, you'll be 52.
Joey: And starting to think about settling down.
Ross: Meat on a dessert? That is not possible.
Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam? What is up with that?
[after coming out of a Las Vegas chapel married and drunk]
Ross: Well *hello* Mrs. Ross
[throws confetti]
Rachel: Well *hello* Mr. Rachel
[throws confetti]
Ross: [Rachel confronts Ross about the list] Okay, but look at the other side. Look at what it says about Julie.
Rachel: [Reads] "She's not Rachem"?
Ross: No!
Rachel: What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some paleontology term that I wouldn't know about because I'm just a waitress?
Ross: [runs into hospital holding Marcel] You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a "K"!
Nurse: Get that animal outta here!
Ross: No the animal hospital is on the other side of the city he's choking!
Nurse: Excuse me? This hospital is for people!
Ross: Lady he IS people! He has a name! OK? He watches Jepordy! He... he... touches himself when no one's watching!
Phoebe: [about rugby] She's right. You have to stop.
Dr. Ross Geller: No, no, I'm not stopping. I'm Red Ross.
Joey: Dude, you go back out there, you're gonna be Dead Ross.
[repeated line]
Ross: We were on a break!
Dr. Ross Geller: I sang, or rapped, "Baby Got Back"?
Rachel: You what? So you sang, to our baby daughter, a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
Phoebe: Were you guys making fun of Parker?
Dr. Ross Geller: That depends. How much did you hear?
Ross: We were on a break!
Chandler: Oh my god! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you.
[to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Ramoray]
Joey: I am not Drake.
Ross: That's right! He is not Drake. He is...
[looks dramatically into the camera]
Ross: Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!
Erika: [believes it] Is this true?
[Joey is unable to answer, too shocked]
Rachel: Yes! Yes, it is true. And I know this, because... Because he pretended to be Drake, to... to sleep with me!
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't!
[Monica throws water in his face]
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
[Chandler throws water in his face]
Chandler: I'm sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a fifty year old woman?
Ross: She didn't look fifty!
Chandler: Did she look sixteen?
Rachel: [talking about Phoebe's strange running style] You guys I am telling you, when she runs she runs like a cross between Kermit the Frog and the Six Million Dollar Man.
Dr. Ross Geller: [grinning] Monica had *such* a crush on him. She used to kiss his poster every night before going to bed.
Rachel: [delighted] Ah! I used to do that too!
Monica: [interested] Did you also have his album 'It's Not Easy Being Green'?
[Rachel stares at Monica]
Rachel: [comforting] Oh Mon!
[Rachel leans forward, kisses Monica on her cheek and sits down]
Monica: [quickly smiles and eagerly continues the topic] So, Phoebe runs weird, huh?
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah and you know what? I know she's gonna wanna run again. I just... I don't know how to get out of it. I mean, I live with her.
Monica: [simply] Why don't you just... be straight with her. Tell her the truth.
Dr. Ross Geller: [in agreement] Huh.
Rachel: [flatly] You're right. You're right. I should just tell her the truth.
Dr. Ross Geller: I just Bamboozled Chandler! Which, I must stress, is not a sex thing.
Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[Knock at door]
Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: The Irish jig guy?
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent from his body!
Dr. Ross Geller: So I finally heard back from Aunt Cheryl, and apparently it wasn't a mistake. Uh, there's limited seating in the hall.
Monica: Limited seating? I am just one tiny person!
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but she doesn't know that. The last time she saw you, you would have turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling.
Monica: So how was Joan?
Chandler: Broke up with her.
Ross: Oh, why? Don't tell me. Because of the big nostril thing?
Chandler: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Rachel: Come on, they were not that huge.
Chandler: I'm telling you, she leaned back, I could see her brain!
Monica: How many women will you reject over the most superficial, insignificant things?
Joey: Hold it. Hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out with this girl. Really hot. Great kisser but she had the biggest Adam's apple. Drove me nuts.
Chandler: [to Ross] You or me?
Ross: I got it... Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Ross: I was just leaving.
Rachel: Good! 'Cause I've got a product report to read. It's like eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep!
Ross: Why, did you write it?
Ross: So when I get to China, guess who's in charge of the dig?
Rachel: Julie. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic?
Joey: [trying to convince Ross to let him appear in a commercial instead of Ben] Come on, Ross! I should be in this commercial! Even Chandler thinks so!
Ross: Is this true, Chandler?
Chandler: Uh... um... Hey, who's that at the door?
Chandler: [gets up and answers the door; no one's there] Oh - hi, no one!
[Chandler bolts out the door]
Joey: [about a poker hand] There was chocolate on the 3. It looked like an 8. All right?
Ross: You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep".
Chandler: And then he did.
[first lines]
Monica: [presents baby shoes] Okay, these were expensive, and he's gonna grow out of them in 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist!
Phoebe: Aww! Look at these. Hey, Ben. "Just do it"! Unh!
[baby starts crying]
Phoebe: Oh, my God! Oh! Was that too much pressure for him?
Susan: Oh, is he hungry already? Aw.
Carol: [starts feeding with breast] I guess so.
Chandler: You know, it's...
[goggling the breast]
Chandler: Something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back.
Joey: [follows after Chandler out] Oh, uh, I gotta get one too.
Ross: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Chandler: We're just hanging out by the spoons... Ladle?
Ross: Will you guys grow up? This is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world.
Joey: Yeah, we know. But there's a baby sucking on it.
Ross: This is my son having lunch, okay? It'll happen a lot, so get used to it. If you have a problem, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it. Come on.
[guys come back]
Ross: Carol?
Chandler: Carol. I was wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
Carol: Sure.
Joey: [surprised] Uh... Does it hurt?
Carol: It did at first, but not anymore.
Joey: Chandler?
Chandler: So, uh, how often can you do it?
Carol: As much as he needs.
Joey: Oh, okay, I got one, I got one. Uh... If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?
Rachel: I just bought something.
Rachel: [referring to Monica] I'm not sure she is gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something I've wanted since I was a little girl.
Dr. Ross Geller: You bought Shaun Cassidy!
Rachel: No - I wish!
Joey: [barging in the door] Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. The whole time!
[Ross and Rachel come in]
Joey: I've been here the whole time!
Ross: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs.
Judy: I think he's stoned again.
Chandler,8062: What?
Ross: Dude, I need to talk to ya a sec.
[Chandler and Ross go into Rachels former bedroom]
Ross: Okay, I think I know why my parents don't like you.
Chandler: Yeah?
Ross: Okay, we were in college. Spring break. Sophomore year. I got high and my parents came in and smellt it so I said you had smoked it and jumped out the window.
Chandler: What?
Ross: Oh come on man. How was I supposed to know we'd end up being friends after college? Let alone you living with my sister?
Chandler: What about that whole friends forever stuff?
Ross: I don't know I was all high.
Monica: [Monica enters] Mom and Dad just sent me in here to find out if you were trying to get Ross stoned.
Chandler: Ross smoked pot in college and he blamed it on me.
Monica: Ross! I can't believe you'd do that.
Chandler: The reason we haven't told them we're together is cause they hate me. So will you fix this please?
Ross: Fine, I'll tell them it wasn't Chandler who was smoking the pot. Who should I say it was?
Monica: You! Doesn't matter its not like you still do it.
Ross: Okay, who should I say "tricked me" into doing it.
Monica: No one. You go out there and you tell them exactly what happened.
Ross: Really?
Monica: Yes.
Chandler: Anything else I should know?
Ross: No. Wait ya. Uh, you melted a bunch of my Dad's records.
Ross: [fake chuckle] Why?
Ross: Evidently you weren't good at handling your 'high.'
Ross: So, do you have any cats that are really old or incredibly sick?
Julie: Ross, I don't want one that's about to die...
Ross: Oh well, see, we should've worked that out before we came down here!
Julie: OK sweetie, I'm gonna narrow it down to this one over here... and this one with the stripes. Okay? You pick.
Ross: Whoa, hey... I... I have to pick?
Julie: Yeah, whichever one you want.
Ross: [Looks back and forth between the cats and scratches his head] Well, I don't know. I mean, it's not that easy to choose, you know... both cats are-are-are beautiful and um... funny. I'm sure I'd be happy with either cat.
Julie: Well do you wanna take both?
Ross: Both? Both! I can't have TWO cats! Joey's the kind of guy who could have two cats...
Ross: [watching sumo wrestlers on TV] Ironically, these are the guys that were picked last in gym.
Elizabeth: [while making out at Paul's cabin] Hey umm, you brought protection right?
Dr. Ross Geller: Why? Are there like bears or something?
[He looks around nervously and then sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no]
Dr. Ross Geller: Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.
Chandler: I was really confused and I talked to these guys
Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey: She's right you know
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but still cheap shot!
Dr. Ross Geller: Mon... Mon You Ok?
Monica: Yeah...
Dr. Ross Geller: You ok?
Monica: Uh... you remember that video that I found of mom and dad that one time?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah?...
Monica: Well I just saw the live version of it...
Dr. Ross Geller: EW!
Ross: [while moving a sofa with Rachel and Chandler] Pivot. Pi-vot. PI-VOT.
[in the beach house, Ross is relaxing, Joey and Chandler are building sandcastles and Rachel and Monica are painting each others' nails]
Joey: Hey! You know what a really good rainy day game is?
Monica: What?
Joey: I mean naked game?
[Monica looks away from Joey but no one says anything]
Joey: [eager] Strip Poker! We should totally play Strip Poker!
Dr. Ross Geller: No!
Rachel: [at the same time as Ross] No way!
Monica: [at the same time as Rachel] What are you crazy?
Joey: [insisting] Come on! When you go away, you *have* to play. It's like, the law!
Phoebe: You guys, this may sound weird, but I think this cat is my mom.
Ross: Uh... why do you think that?
Phoebe: Well, okay... the first thing she was drawn to was the orange felt lining of my guitar case.
Ross: So?
Phoebe: So... my mom's favorite fish was orange ruffee.
[Everyone stares...]
Phoebe: Cats love fish!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Chandler announces that he and Monica decided not to host Thanksgiving this year] That doesn't sound like you. That's Monica talking.
Chandler: No, no, we made this decision together.
Dr. Ross Geller: She's putting words in your mouth.
Joey: Don't you put words in people's mouths. You put turkey in people's mouths.
Phoebe: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.
Ross: Okay, now how do you know that?
Phoebe: Because she's your lobster.
Chandler: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.
Phoebe: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws.
[Ross is having problems naming all 50 states]
Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving.
Dr. Ross Geller: Take thee, Rachel.
[Rachel and Phoebe have Ross pinned to the ground after he tried to scare them back]
Rachel: Say it. Say we are unagi.
Ross: It's not something you are, it's something you have!
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi!
Rachel: What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?
Dr. Ross Geller: Look. Monica told me about the phasing out thing. I'm the one who is making things change, so I should be the one to, you know, step back.
Rachel: [interrupting] Ross...
Dr. Ross Geller: No, I mean it. There's plenty of people who only see their sisters at Thanksgiving, who only see their college roommates at reunions and who only see Joey at Burger King! So is that better?
Rachel: [long pause] No it's not better! I still don't get to see you!
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, what would you do, Rach?
Rachel: Well, for starters, I would have said the right name at my wedding!
Amy: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?
Chandler: No, if crazy plate lady... if Monica dies then I would get Emma, right?
Rachel: Well, actually...
Chandler: Actually, what?
Ross: It's just that in that case then Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler: What?
Amy: [to Chandler] Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?
Phoebe: You think he is emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, he wouldn't be if she hadn't brought her office home every night.
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Years Eve, 1997.
Ross: I knew you were going to throw that in my face! That was three years ago. She apologized and apologized. What more do you want?
Phoebe: We want the last six years back!
Ross: So do we! So do we!
Coffee: [looking at Ross]
Ross: I'm sorry you had to see that.
Ross: [talking about the baby's surname] Wait a minute, why is she in the title?
Susan: Because it's my baby, too.
Ross: That's funny, I don't remember you making any sperm!
Chandler: So, if Monica's not around I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: No, that is not what we are saying
[looks down]
Ross: .
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you.
Ross: It's okay, 'cause you know what the difference between them and me is?
Chandler: Your history of bed-wetting?
Ross: [upset] I trusted you, man!
Chandler: Oh, she's got you running errands, you know, picking up wedding dresses... Wah-pah!
Ross: What's wah-pah?
Chandler: You know, whipped. Wah-pah!
Joey: That's not whipped. Whipped is wh-tcssh!
Chandler: That's what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey: You can't do anything!
Chandler: OK Ross, time is up.
Ross: Oh, just give me another minute.
Chandler: OK look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them. OK? That is the beauty of this game, it makes you want to kill yourself.
Chandler: So, if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: [looks down] No, that... that is not what we're saying.
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I... Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!
Chandler: [to Rachel] Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.
Monica: Guys, I am not that bad!
Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you, you were like a little...
[imitates screeching violins from Psycho]
Monica: That is so unfair!
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, come on, when we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Anne doll that wasn't raggedy!
Dr. Ross Geller: I may get to speak at this Paleontology conversion, and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff, and/or are sick.
Dr. Ross Geller: It's in Barbados.
Chandler: But you come first!
Rachel: I'm there.
[Chandler booked a room in Vermont for himself and Monica, but she can't go, and he can't cancel the room]
Monica: Why don't you take Ross?
Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...
Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!
Ross: [reading the hotel brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... *moonlight boat ride*?
Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
Ross: No. Why would I why. No. Why.
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures...
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.
Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe,8061: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe,8066: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: [moan] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.
Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT."
[the friends enter Monica's apartment, counting lottery tickets and looking disappointed, except Phoebe, who looks happy]
Phoebe: [quite pleased] What a beautiful night to be running around the street looking for tickets... and the wind sure made it fun!
Monica: [as-a-matter-of-factly] Phoebe, we lost half of them.
Phoebe: [reasoning] So what? Monica, we *have* the winning ticket! My Psychic said I was gonna win, remember?
Dr. Ross Geller: [on the contrary] Weird, your Psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon.
Phoebe: [defensively and then annoyed] As a matter of fact, she that's how I'm going to die... so, excuse me for being a little skittish!
Chandler: [looks at the answering machine] Hey, there's two messages. This could be from work!
Monica: [as Chandler goes over to the answering machine] Oh, play them.
Chandler: OK. Here we go.
[Chandler presses the button and the answering machine beeps once]
Answering: [Phoebe's voice] Hello. Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise.
[Chandler, Monica, Rachel and Ross look at Phoebe, who calmly acts as though she has nothing to do with it]
Answering: [Phoebe's voice] I sh-I shouldn't have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady's hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo.
[everyone looks at Phoebe, who calmly acts innocent]
Phoebe: [simply] Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do.
Phoebe: [carrying two large bulky black bin bags into Joey's apartment] Is it OK if I leave this stuff here until Rachel's Birthday party?
Chandler: [standing by the workout with a bottle] Uh, sure. What's in 'em?
Phoebe: [leaves the bags on one of the armchairs] Um, cups.
Chandler: Oh good, because we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.
[Phoebe smiles]
Ross: [sitting at the worktop holding a bottle] Seriously, that's *a lot* of cups.
Phoebe: [proudly] Yeah, well that's 'cause I'm in charge of cups and ice and Monica is gonna *rue the day* that she put me in charge of cups and ice!
Chandler: You know, I rued the day once. Didn't a whole lot else done.
Phoebe: [preparing herself] OK, time to bring up the rest of the cups.
[Phoebe opens the apartment door as Joey arrives]
Phoebe: [exiting the apartment] Hey Joey!
Joey: [entering the apartment] Hey Pheebs!
Ross: Okay, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Without evolution, how do YOU explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Ross: Please tell me you're joking.
Phoebe: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something and I don't?
Ross: No, no, no Pheebs, we can't. Okay, because...
Phoebe: Why not? What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? You know what? I think, I think maybe you put Ross "under the microscope".
Ross: Is there blood coming out of my ears?
[first lines]
Dr. Ross Geller: Chandler! Chandler!
[Ross opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed]
Dr. Ross Geller: Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!
Chandler: [to Monica] Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then!
[Chandler kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window]
Monica: [to Chandler] What are you doing?
Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.
Monica: [stopping him] Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross.
[They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain but Monica pushes his hand back]
Monica: [to Ross] Hold on!
[She opens the door]
Monica: Hey Ross. What's up bro?
[Upon entering, Ross makes a beeline for Chandler, who runs and hides behind Monica]
Dr. Ross Geller: What the hell are you doing?
[Rachel and Joey come over from his apartment]
Rachel: Hey, what's-what's going on?
Chandler: Well, I think, I *think* Ross knows about me and Monica.
Joey: [concerned] Dude! He's right there!
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Chandler] I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!
Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.
Monica: [taking Ross's hand] I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too.
[Long pause]
Dr. Ross Geller: [happily] My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this.
[He hugs them both]
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Joey and Rachel] You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!
Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while.
[There's another pause as Ross gets angry again, much to the concern of Monica and Chandler]
Dr. Ross Geller: What? What? What? You guys knew?
[Joey and Rachel backup against the door frame]
Dr. Ross Geller: You *all* knew and you didn't tell me?
Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. Okay, we didn't know how you were going to react.
[pause]
Dr. Ross Geller: [happily again] You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react?
[He hugs Joey and Rachel]
Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business?
[Ross turns and glares at him]
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here,
[pointing to Chandler]
Joey: He-he's the one doing your sister.
Dr. Ross Geller: Janice and I have a lot in common! We - we've both been divorced; we both have kids.
Phoebe: So you're actually gonna see her again?
Joey: Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head!
Dr. Ross Geller: I *am* gonna see her again.
Joey: Dammit, Phoebe!
Phoebe: [Ross enters room carrying luggage] How long did you think this barbecue was going to last ?
Ross: I'm going to China.
Phoebe: Geez, you say one thing, and uh...
Monica: You're going to China ?
Ross: Yeh, uh, for the museum. Someone found a bone. We want the bone, but they don't want to let us have the bone, so I'm going over there to try and persuade them, to give us the... it's a whole big bone thing.
Carol: The right woman's just waiting for you.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's easy for you to say. You found one already.
Janice: Janice has a question: Who of the six of you has slept with who of the six of you?
Phoebe: Its like a dirty math problem.
Dr. Ross Geller: The answer would be none of us.
Janice: None of you have gotten drunk and stupid over the years?
Joey: Well, that's a different question.
Janice: I find it hard to believe a group of people who spend as much time together as you do has never bumped uglies. I've got another question: Who of the six of you has almost?
Rachel: [they all quickly get up] Can I get anyone more coffee?
Joey: Hey, there's a dog out there!
[Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross]
Ross: Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why?
Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants.
[Mr. Zelner looks shocked]
Ross: I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi, I was wondering, is it possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? I wrote a book that's up there and instead of reading it people are... well, they're rolling around in front of it.
Dr. Ross Geller: I have to go to work for a few hours. Some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
Joey: What did they do?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures. Let's just leave it at that.
Rachel: ...How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr: Three.
Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!
Ross: I don't know if he's testing me or he's just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. First, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine. Supposedly by accident.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I've done that.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row, he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword.
Rachel: I've never done that.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, you want me to be your backup.
Rachel: Exactly.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, yeah - I already have one.
Rachel: What? Who?
Dr. Ross Geller: Phoebe.
Rachel: Phoebe? But she said Joey is her backup.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, I don't think so.
Rachel: Ross, I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's impossible. I mean, we had a deal for years; we shook on it. Although, believe me, she wanted to do a lot more than that.
Judy: [Telling Rachel the "Willy" story with Ross present] I understand separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset he took off his clothes tucked his "willy" in between his legs and cried out "mommy I'm a girl take me with you".
Ross: [Feeling embarrassed to Rachel and sarcastically to Judy] Somehow it became easily to be apart from you.
Dr. Ross Geller: I just found out Elizabeth's dad wants to meet me.
Chandler: Wait a minute - hold the phone. You are not Elizabeth's dad?
Joey: ...Ross, to Rachel you'll never be just
[makes quotation marks with fingers]
Joey: "anybody".
Ross: There you go!
Joey: [makes quotation marks with fingers] "Thanks"!
[for the upcoming wedding, Ross and Chandler have gotten suits formerly worn by movie stars]
Ross: Hey, hey... why don't we put them on? You know, get a picture of Batman and James Bond, together.
Chandler: I would, but mine doesn't fit. The pants are a little tight.
Monica: Too tight? I can see double-O *and* seven in those things.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after the room gets dark] So, uh, where were we?
[Ross's teeth are shown glowing right in front of Hillary]
Hillary: [awestruck] Are those your teeth?
Dr. Ross Geller: [nervously] Oh... You... you can see them, huh?
Hillary: Yes, they're insanely white!
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, I... I did that for you.
Hillary: [freaked out] What's the matter with you!
Dr. Ross Geller: [bolts up, goes upset] WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME! YOU'VE GOT A BLACK LIGHT! IT'S 1999!
Dr. Ross Geller: Everything OK?
Ben: [from the bathroom] Don't talk to me now.
Rachel: Aw. Just like his daddy.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross is trying to flirt with the pizza delivery girl] Hey, uh... you know that smell gas has?
Caitlin: ...Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: They put that in.
Caitlin: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: The gas is odorless - but they add the smell, so you know when there's a leak.
Caitlin: ...Well, OK.
Dr. Ross Geller: A lot of other gas smells.
Chandler: ...Oh, the humanity.
Dr. Ross Geller: ...Meth- methane smells.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Watching Rugby on TV] I don't know what the big deal is? I'm man enough to play this sport.
Joey: Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.
Dr. Ross Geller: Ow! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it wh- Ooh! A Quarter!
Rachel: Maybe it means "Tell Monica I'm sorry I drank that kast of the milk" or maybe "Tell Monica I'm sorry I used your tweezers to pluck my nose hair"
[Ross and Phoebe stare at Rachel]
Rachel: He does. I've seen him.
Phoebe: Maybe he's writing to tell her he changed his name. Like "Tell Monica I'm Sorry".
Ross: I think it means he freaked out.
Phoebe: Don't be so negative. Isn't it possible that Sorry's in there right now.
[last lines]
Dr. Ledbetter: Nice seeing you back on your feet. I think you are ready to come back and work with us again.
Ross: Yes, I am.
[seeing Monica and Chandler having sex through the window]
Ross: Wait, no, no, what are you doing? Get off my sister!
Phoebe: Hey, so what did Rachel say when you told her you were still married to her?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, that. Uhm, she took it really well.
Phoebe: Huh! You didn't tell her, did you?
Dr. Ross Geller: No.
Phoebe: Of course not, because you're in love with her.
Dr. Ross Geller: I am not in love with her. She was very upset about having to move out, so I didn't tell her we were still married 'cause she'd only get more upset, I just comforted her, as a friend.
Phoebe: What do you mean, 'comforted her'?
Dr. Ross Geller: It was nothing, I gave her a hug.
Phoebe: Ah ha! A classic sign of love, the hug.
Dr. Ross Geller: it's also a sign of friendship.
Phoebe: Yeah, not in your case, Lovey Loverson.
Dr. Ross Geller: It was a hug, okay? A simple hug. I was a friend being a friend to a friend.
Phoebe: Use the word 'friend' more. Just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair?
Dr. Ross Geller: Smell her hair? What if I did?
Phoebe: Ninety percent of a woman's pheromones come at the top of her head. That's why women are shorter, so that men will fall in love when they hug them. Come on, Ross, you're a scientist.
Dr. Ross Geller: I was hugging her as a friend, it's not my fault her hair got in my face, she's got a lot of it, and it smells all coconutty
[Phoebe gives him an incredulous stare]
Dr. Ross Geller: . What? Oh, it doesn't mean I've feelings for Rachel, maybe it means I've feelings for coconuts.
Phoebe: Okay, whatever you say, but just be careful, alright? Rachel's not in the same place you are.
Dr. Ross Geller: Okay, if the place you're referring to is being in love, then she *is* in the same place as me, because I am *not* in that place.
Phoebe: I didn't understand that. But, you know, maybe that's 'cause you were speaking the secret language of *love*.
Phoebe: Y'know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she's lookin' up at us and smiling right now.
Ross: Looking *up*?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. No, she was really nice to me - but she's in hell for sure.
Monica: Well, I've tried everything; I give up. I guess I'm not gonna be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that, right?
Ross: Aww, Pheeb - come on; isn't there any relative that would have the recipe? What about - what about your sister?
Phoebe: Oh, no - no, no; I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that's not happening 'til October 15th, 2032.
Ross: That's the day you're gonna die? See - darn it, I've got shuffleboard that day.
Phoebe: That's what *you* think.
Monica: Well, I mean, what about friends of your grandmother's - wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, y'know, I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Toulouse.
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse.
Monica: NESTLE TOLLHOUSE?
Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language!
Monica: [grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips and tossing it] Phoebe, is *this* the recipe?
Phoebe: [reading the recipe on the back of the bag] Yes!... Ohhhh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe, and it was in my cupboard the whole time!
Phoebe: I know! You see, it is stuff like this which is why
Phoebe: [looking down] you're burning in hell!
Ross: [downcast] You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: [looking thrilled] To hell with hockey! Let's all do that!
Ross: You don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: I don't know. It's just, you know... Monkeys, Darwin, it's a nice story. I just think it's a little too easy.
Ross: "Too easy"? Too... The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms is "too easy"?
Phoebe: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
Ross: Excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Rachel: So what are you guys gonna do?
Ross: Oh, I just thought we'd go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.
Monica: Hey, Ross.
Ross: Hey.
Monica: What are you supposed to be dressed up as?
Ross: Oh, well, you remember the russian satellite Sputnik? Well I am a potato or a spud and here are my antena. so?
Monica: So?
Ross: I'm Spudnik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow, I don't have the worst costume anymore.
Nora: [after he stumbled out of the ladies' restroom:] What is with you tonight?
Dr. Ross Geller: Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Nora: [finishes phone conversation] Okay, thank you.
[puts down phone]
Nora: It's the Italian hand-licker, isn't it?
Dr. Ross Geller: No, it's the one he's licking.
Nora: She's supposed to be with you.
Dr. Ross Geller: [wryly] You're good.
Nora: Oh, Ross, look at me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and you know why?
Dr. Ross Geller: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
Nora: No, it's because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred and twenty-five pages for a Paolo. Come on, the guy's a secondary character, he's just a... you know, a complication you eventually kill off.
Dr. Ross Geller: When?
Nora: He's not a hero. You know what a hero is?
Dr. Ross Geller: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
Nora: No, it's *you*!
Dr. Ross Geller: Please...
Nora: No, really, come on, you're smart, you're sexy...
[Ross coming back from bathroom, getting ready to play poker with Rachel]
Ross: Your money's mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly's open, Geller.
[about Ugly Naked Guy]
Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out.
Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming.
Dr. Ross Geller: I'll keep looking. He's gotta be around here some place.
Rachel: You would think.
Chandler: Oh you think you're stronger than me? How about you prove it?
Ross: Oh I'll prove it alright. I'll prove it like a theorem!
Waiter: May I take your order?
Dr. Ross Geller: You hungry?
Joey: Does a bear shit in the woods?
[Monica knocks]
Chandler: You can't come in.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked.
Ross: What?
Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.
Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?
Ross: [staring through the peephole to see Rachel come back from her date with Mark] I knew it. I knew it. I always knew she liked him. She'd say no, but here we are, right. We just broke up, first thing she does.
Chandler: You didn't just break up!
Ross: Hey, it's been like, three weeks!
Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower!
Ross: I know something that will cheer you up, guess whose middle name is Muriel?
Rachel: OH MY GOD. Chandler M. Bing.
Monica: Honey, what's wrong?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Saddened] My wife's a lesbian.
Joey: [Amused] Cool.
Chandler: [Introducing them to each other] Ross, Joey; Joey, Ross.
[after Ross's message, Monica's answering machine beeps twice]
Dr. Richard Burke: [on the answering machine] Monica, it's Richard. Call me.
[Monica looks startled and all the friends look at her]
Monica: [emotionally] I-is, is that message old or new?
[no one says anything]
Monica: [shouts] OLD OR NEW? OLD OR NEW?
Ross: [goes over to Monica as the other friends jump] It's old. It's *definitely* old. Didn't you-you hear the double beep?
Monica: [frantic] Well, what if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk! He could have something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?
Chandler: Honey, you did call him back 'cause it's... it's really old.
Ross: [comforts Monica] Yeah. See, Mon' listen. Listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing and you know what I did?
Monica: [emotionally] Huh?
Ross: [assuring] I got dressed.
[Ross kindly ushers Monica and Rachel into their rooms]
Ross: Oh, yes, good cryers the Green girls. I mean-I mean the Green sisters. Man, no matter how you say it, it still sounds like you're talking about green people.
Dr. Ross Geller: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Okay? I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, okay? You can literally see them evolving through time.
Phoebe: Really? You can actually see it?
Dr. Ross Geller: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.
Phoebe: See, I didn't know that.
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, there you go.
Phoebe: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why.
[Ross is speechless]
[Ross and Rachel are both drunk]
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey! It's Joey, I love Joey!
[Hugs Joey]
Rachel: Oh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck.
Joey: Hi.
[Hugs Rachel]
Joey: Alright look, I need some help, okay?Someone has to convince my hand twin to cooperate!
Ross: I'll do it. Whatever you need me to do, I'm your man.
Ross: [Sits down on nothing and falls to the ground]
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay?
Joey: Yeah. Fine. Thanks. Hey Rach, how do you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doin' good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore!
Dr. Ross Geller: [after Marcel took the rice him:] Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between 'Bring me the' and 'Pee in the'.
Chandler: So why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?
Ross: Yes. Her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.
Chandler: Tell her good luck with that.
Ross: Anyone else, huh? Bring 'em on.
Rachel: Oh, when's her birthday?
Ross: I don't know, Rachel. Why?
Rachel: Well, you know, it's been so long since I've been to Chuck E Cheese.
Ross: Some can sing, some can dance. I, apparently, can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures.
Phoebe: [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report BE any later?
Chandler: I don't sound like that.
Joey: Oh, yes, you do.
Ross: The hills are alive with the sound... OF music.
Dr. Ross Geller: Rach, you ready to go?
Rachel: [from the bathroom] IN A MINUTE!
Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.
Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.
Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: Ok, you got a better one?
Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: By Sandrine.
Rachel: [to Paul during dinner] So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly offered to take me.
Elizabeth: What a nice story.
Paul: So Ross was in college, and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom?
Rachel: I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Rachel] Yeah, you take your time.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Paul] Just so you know, I was a freshman and she was a senior, so it wasn't as bad as...
Paul: [to Ross] Look, I know I've been giving you a lot of jabs - and it's partly that I'm very protective of my daughter, and partly because they keep coming to me! But I have to admit, after all the wonderful things Elizabeth has told me, and after the many, many, many things Rachel has told me... well, I guess you're not all bad.
Dr. Ross Geller: [feeling satisfied] I'm not all bad.
Paul: I'm sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand I still look at Elizabeth like she's a twelve-year-old girl.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what? I do that, too.
Paul: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Ross Geller: [nervously] Oh, no - I don't see her as a twelve-year-old girl. I have a son who's six, and I still think of him as a baby.
Paul: You have a son?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yes, my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben - and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms, as I'm sure you are with your wife.
Dr. Ross Geller: [nervously, remembering Paul is a widower] Oh, I'm very sorry.
Paul: [as Rachel returns to the table] Don't worry about it; I didn't realize you were married.
Rachel: We were, but that was a big drunken mistake.
Dr. Ross Geller: [sarcastically to Rachel] Oh, great - you're back?
Paul: You two were married?
Rachel: [revealing Ross was married three times] Oh, whoops - you were talking about Emily.
Dr. Ross Geller: [shamefully slams his head on the table]
Monica: Hey! These are for Erica!
Dr. Ross Geller: She's gonna eat all those cookies?
Monica: Well, I want the baby to come out all cute and fat!
Dr. Ross Geller: So, uh, why is Erica coming to visit?
Monica: We wanna get to know her better. And, uh, she's never been to New York, so she wants to see the tourist spots: Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building.
Chandler: Oh, there's always so many people, and they're being corralled like cattle. And, you know, there's always some idiot who goes, "Moo".
Monica: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it?
Dr. Ross Geller: [talking to Emma in her crib] And that's why, no matter what Mommy says, we really were on a break.
Ross: [Looking at zoos to send Marcel] I have a friend who can get him into Miami.
Chandler: 'Course it's just two blocks from the beach, it's like a total party zoo.
Emily: There's someone else.
Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?
Rachel: Well, maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
Ross: Fine by me. Hope she wins.
Dr. Ross Geller: You going to be OK?
Rachel: Yeah, I think so.
Dr. Ross Geller: I wasn't talking to you.
Ross: So, does it do something special?
Chandler: Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple, it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
[Ross is selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: So, how many boxes did you sell?
Ross: 517.
Chandler: Wow.
Ross: Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude".
Ross: [about Rachel's date Russ] I don't know what she sees in that goober. It takes him, what, like... like, I don't know, uh, huh, hello, a week, to get out a sentence?
Chandler: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
Ross: ...yeah.
Ross: Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.
Joey: Way to be strong, man.
Phoebe: Ross, how many parents have you lost?
Ross: None.
Phoebe: OK, so you don't what if feels like when one of them comes back.
Amy: [fighting with Rachel while an uncomfortable Ross looks on] You know what I cannot believe? That my so-called sister gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren - and I still have to pay *retail*?
Rachel: [laughing] It's 45!
Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect, with your new baby and your small apartment.
[Ross slams a towel on the kitchen table]
Amy: Well, let me tell you something: your baby isn't even that cute!
Ross: Too far, Amy. Too far.
Emily: And that was all before ten o'clock! The caterer rang to say it's going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon! And then the florist phoned to say there aren't any tulips! Oh, and then the cellist has Carpal Tunnel Syndrome! We're not going to...
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Emily, honey...
[he makes a "time out" hand sign]
Ross: Okay?
Emily: Well, up yours, too!
Ross: What?
Emily: Oh. That's not what it means?
Phoebe: [positions her Christmas arrangement to cover the stain on her dress as Monica runs into the room and over to the answering machine] Ross went to get a cab so we can all..
[Monica starts dialling]
Phoebe: [looks up] What are you doing? No Monica! No!
[phone calls Richard's number and his recorded message answers]
Dr. Richard Burke: [on the answering machine] Hi. This is Richard.
[Monica enters a code and the recorded message stops]
Answering: You have 3 new messages.
Monica: [enters another code as Phoebe sits on the table] Not anymore!
Answering: Message list.
[Monica enters another code]
Answering: To record a new message, begin speaking at the tone.
Monica: [picks up the phone] Hi Richard, it's Monica um, listen I-I did something kind of crazy tonight um.. maybe I'm getting my period or something I don't know. Anyway uh... I-I beeped into your machine and I heard this message that-that freaked me out and um.. You know what? Michele will tell you the rest. I-I-I-I'm sorry OK? And I hope that we can forget the whole thing. OK, bye.
[Monica hangs and sighs in relief]
Answering: The Outgoing message has now been changed.
Monica: [shocked] Outgoing? Did that say *Outgoing*? Not Outgoing!
[Monica quickly dials Richard's number and the message she meant to leave for Richard turns out to be the new recorded message on his answering machine]
Answering: [Monica's voice] Hi Richard, it's Monica um, listen I-I did something kind of crazy tonight um.. maybe I'm getting my period or something...
[Monica and Phoebe looked shocked at each other]
Monica: [hastily pressing buttons on the machine] NO!
Phoebe: How did you do that?
Monica: [incredulous] I don't know!
Answering: Goodbye.
Monica: [screams] NO!
Ross: [enters the apartment, completely unaware of what's just happened] OK. OK. I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!
Monica: [quiet but frantic] Maybe we can call the Phone Company. Maybe they can change the message. Maybe they can change his number.
Phoebe: [assuring] Yeah. I think after this, he'll be going that *himself*.
Ross: The point is that I don't need this right now. It's too late. I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed!
Rachel: [angrily] So, you're just gonna, what, put away feelings or whatever the hell it was that you felt for me?
Ross: Hey, I've been doing it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it!
Rachel: OK fine, you go ahead and you do that, all right Ross?
Ross: [turns to leave] OK, fine.
Rachel: Because I don't need your stupid ship.
[Rachel follows and calls out after him]
Rachel: And you know what? *Now* I got closure!
[Slams door and locks it but almost immediately dissolves into tears. Ross quietly returns and watches her through the glass door. Rachel gathers herself together and stands up. She sees Ross through the glass and gasps. She goes over to open it but starts to struggle with the locks]
Ross: Try the bottom one.
[Rachel does. She opens the door. They look at each other. Ross wordlessly pulls her into his arms and the two of them kiss - finally!]
Chandler: You can't wear Batman's tux. I got James Bond's tux. You'll ruin the special time for me.
Ross: Look, you're marrying the woman you love. It's special enough.
Chandler: [mimics Ross] Me me me me me meh. Don't do this to me. I wouldn't do anything on your wedding to make you upset.
Ross: At my wedding, you slept with my sister.
Chandler: 'Cause that's what 007 would do.
Ross: [after putting on his "Frankie say 'Relax'" T-shirt] Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna take the rest of my stuff and *relax* in my favorite shirt.
Ross: [Voiceover] Oh my god, that's Rachel naked! I can't look at that, I am looking at this. Ok, vivid colors, expressive brushstrokes... unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home, she knows I can see her; what kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight.
[giggles]
Ross: Doctor Geller, stop it, you're being silly. Or am I?
Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys.
Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing. Y'know - you have a can, we have a can, and it's connected by a string.
Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Referring to Rachel in the coffee shop] And then she said "it was the "perfect way to say goodbye"
Joey: What'd you say?
Dr. Ross Geller: Nothing what'd you say to that
Phoebe: You've got to tell her how you feel
Dr. Ross Geller: No way
Joey: You can't just give up, is that what a dinosaur would do?
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Joey: Dude I'm just trying to speak your language
Phoebe: She doesn't know you want to get back together if she did she might differently she might not even go
Ross: Chandler's missing.
[Ross and Rachel are in Monic'a doorway. Phoebe comes up]
Phoebe: What's going on?
[reading the note]
Phoebe: "Tell Monica I'm sorry"
[Phoebe looks up at Ross, then back at the note, then back to Ross]
Phoebe: Tell her yourself.
Charlie: There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I um... I kind of realized I was starting to have feelings for someone else.
Ross: Can I... can I ask who?
Charlie: I think you know.
Ross: I think I know too, but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past.
[Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby]
Ross: OK, how about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?
Monica: Losers walk.
Dr. Ross Geller: losers talk.
Chandler: No, no actually, losers rhyme.
Doctor: It still could last a little while longer, if you're anxious, there are a few ways to help things along.
Dr. Ross Geller: Do them!
Ross: [after Ross danced in the street, he said good morning to two elderly ladies, who was sitting on a bench. Then one of them said the other one in a subdued tone: "Well, somebody got some last night". Some seconds later Ross talked them happily:] Twice!
Phoebe: [entering in an elegant yellow dress] Hello.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: Whoa.
Ross: Wow, hello. You look great.
Phoebe: Thank you. I know, though.
Phoebe: Hey. Whatcha guys doin'?
Dr. Richard Burke: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.
Phoebe: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: What're you talking about?
Phoebe: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but Pheebs, what about the end?
Phoebe: What when Yeller saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?
Rachel: That's not the end.
Phoebe: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.
Monica: What about the part where he has rabies?
Phoebe: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.
Dr. Richard Burke: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.
Phoebe: What, what's about to happen?
[starts watching]
Phoebe: I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, whatcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no, no Travis, put down the gun. No, no, no, no he-he's your buddy. He's your Yeller! No, no, no! The end, THE END!
[hears the gunshot from the TV]
Phoebe: Okay, what kind of sick doggy snuff film is this?
Rachel: [leaning over Ross' shoulder to look at picture of his baby] Oh God, isn't he just the sweetest thing? You just wanna kiss him all over.
Ross: [with desperate longing] That would be nice.
Joey: [Ross enters] Did you talk to Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: No, I didn't and I'm not going to.
Phoebe: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because she's just going to shoot me down you guys saw what happened with Gunther that did not look like fun.
Joey: How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean his more sexier in an obvious way you have relationship with her you slept together last night.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah and she still wants to go it's pretty clear where she is, even I were to tell her I don't have to do it now I'll be seeing her again we've got time.
Joey: No, you don't she's going to Paris and she's going to meet somebody do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It's a city of Gunthers.
Rachel: [on Ross' answering machine] Ross, hi. It's me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane.
Ross: Oh my God!
Rachel: Excuse me?
Stewardess: Miss? Please, sit down!
Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love them.
Stewardess: Miss, I can't let you off the plane.
Ross: Let her off the plane!
Stewardess: I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.
Rachel: Oh, please, miss, you don't understand!
Ross: Try to understand!
Rachel: Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you can just let me off...
[the answering machine beeps and cuts off the rest of the message]
Ross: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: [from behind Ross] I got off the plane.
[after Chandler Bing has slapped him on the butt]
Ross: Dude, what are you doing?
Rachel: Phoebe, you can't have both of them; you have to pick one.
Joey: Pick me.
Dr. Ross Geller: No, pick me. I don't want to end up an old maid.
Phoebe: Alright; well, let's see... Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat. This is hard.
Joey: This is crazy. Hey, look - I want to switch to Rachel.
Dr. Ross Geller: Ooh, I want to switch to Rachel, too.
Phoebe: No, wait - just wait. Don't make any rash decisions. OK, just remember my promise. If we get married... three times a week.
Rachel: Oh, my God, Phoebe.
Phoebe: I'm talking about massages.
Rachel: Oh.
[when Rachel looks away, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths the words "No I'm not"]
Dr. Ross Geller: We have to pretend that we're married?
Jack: Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.
Dr. Ross Geller: So what's the matter, you need a dentist? I've got a good one.
Phoebe: Thanks. I have a good one too. I just... I can't see him.
Chandler: See, that is the problem with invisible dentists.
Rachel: OK, listen to what Sean McMann said in my yearbook. 'Dear Rachel, you are a very nice person.' Not girl; person.
Ross: Rachel, I think you're reading too much into it.
Rachel: 'Dear Rachel, you are a very nice person. Sorry about your teeny weeny.'
[Will laughs at Rachel]
Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? You want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn't true?
Rachel: Yes.
Will: Could you also tell them I'm skinny now?
Monica: Oh, me too.
Ross: Now look, I'm not calling anybody. Ok, it was like a million years ago.
Rachel: I don't care how long ago it was. You told people I was half and half.
Ross: I'm not in love with her.
Chandler: Then what was with that whole Black Bart speech? "When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy."
Dr. Ross Geller: But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up?
Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?
Dr. Ross Geller: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Monica: Why are you being such a weenie? So he plays with a doll. You used to dress up like a woman.
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Monica: You used to dress up in Mom's clothes. You had the pink hat and the little pink bag.
Dr. Ross Geller: You're making this up!
Monica: How can you not remember? You made us call you "Bea".
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh God!
Susan: I've literally never been so happy.
Monica: Wasn't there a song?
Carol: Please let there be a song.
Monica: [sings] My name's Bea, I drink tea...
[She follows Ross who locks himself in the bathroom]
Monica: Won't you, won't you, won't you...
[opens the door]
Monica: ...Won't you dance around with me?
Ross: I just got back from the vet.
Chandler: He's not going to make you wear a cone, is he?
Ross: Apparently, Marcel's humping is not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey: [to Chandler] Hey, he beat ya!
Chandler: "Garge"?
Ross: Nautical term.
Chandler: Cheating man!
Dr. Ross Geller: What do you got behind your back?
Monica: Nothing. Just something I want Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
Dr. Ross Geller: You don't want my opinion?
Monica: Not really.
Dr. Ross Geller: Come on, I'm your older brother. Ask me.
Monica: [showing him two lingerie dresses] Oh, okay, big brother, um... Which one of these would make your little sister look hotter so your best friend would want to do her?
Dr. Ross Geller: [turns away, then says quietly without looking at her] The red one...
Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know.
[Ross's cousin is very attractive]
Cassie: The last time we were together was in that cabin our parents rented. Remember that?
Ross: Yeah. I tickled you until you cried... We're probably too old for that.
Cassie: Yeah. I'll never forget that summer. That's when I got these freckles.
[reveals a part of her shoulder, showing her bra strap]
Ross: Whoa. Yeah. I'll never forget that summer either. That's the summer I, uh, figured out that we're related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out?
Ross: Yeah, I'm a little slow.
[softly]
Ross: Just like our children would be...
[last lines]
Mona: It's Joey, right?
Joey: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: Wait a minute! No! I'm the nice one! I'm the one who danced with the kids all night! I...
Dr. Ross Geller: [looks down at Joey's shoes] How small are your feet?
[last lines]
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter. And I want your *absolute honest* opinion. Okay? Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not reaching for her heaving beets.
Monica: What's a niffle?
Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beets.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right, so I'm not a great typist.
Dr. Ross Geller: Wait. Did you get to the part about his great throbbing pens? Oh, yes, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
Rachel: Forget it! Give it back!
[tries to grab back her pages of script amidst much laughter]
Will: [about how he hated Rachel in high school] It wasn't just me. We had a club.
Rachel: You had a club?
Will: That's right. The I Hate Rachel Green Club.
Rachel: O my God! So what? You all just join together to hate me? Who else was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross.
[points to Ross]
Ross: No need to point. She knows who Ross is.
Ross: [after seeing Joey looking over the wall into another bathroom stall] Uh, Joey, some people don't like that.
Dr. Ross Geller: Are there any more of your friends I should look out for on my way Phoebe?
Phoebe: No... actually, you might want to stay away from Jane street. That's where Stabby Joe works.
Dr. Ross Geller: [re Paolo] So he's calling from Rome. I can do that. I just gotta go to Rome.
Monica: God, what is wrong with me?
Dr. Ross Geller: You need to get some sleep.
Monica: I need to get some Richard.
Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.
Monica: I know. I know. I'm so tired of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why he hasn't called. Why hasn't he called?
Phoebe: Maybe 'cause you told him not to?
Monica: What are you? The memory woman?
Dr. Ross Geller: So Chandler and I are in a bar, and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, OK? So after a while, he goes over to her - and after a minute or two, I see them kissing. And I know what you're thinking: Chandler is not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls - and you're right; Chandler is *not* the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with *girls*.
Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh, my god!
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark, and he was a very pretty guy!
Dr. Ross Geller: I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference. That's right. These will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.
Rachel: Do you have anything that will get us out of them?
[it's pouring rain and the six friends run towards the beach house with Joey and Ross sheltering themselves with their suitcases and Chandler and Monica sheltering under Rachel's big hat as Phoebe unlocks the doors]
Dr. Ross Geller: [sheltering himself with his suitcase] Go! Go! Go!
Rachel: [annoyed] Oh yeah! Now everybody wants to be *under* the hat!
[Phoebe opens the doors, turns on the lights and the friends enter the beach house find the floor completely covered with sand]
Chandler: [slowly] Oh.
Rachel: [surprised] Aye.
Monica: [picks up some sand] What's with all the sand?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. Bob said there might be flood damage.
Dr. Ross Geller: Either that or he has a really big cat!
Dr. Ross Geller: What are you doing?
Rachel: Storming out!
Dr. Ross Geller: Rachel, this is your apartment.
Rachel: Yeah, well, that's how mad I am!
Ross: [looking at Rachel's resume] Rach, did you proof read these?
Rachel: Uh, yeah. Why?
Ross: Uh, nothing. I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent "compuper skills".
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Ah, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
Ross: Chandler. I sensed it was you.
Chandler: What?
Ross: 'Unagi.' I'm always aware.
Chandler: Are you aware that unagi is an eel?
Dr. Ross Geller: [after they've successfully rewrote a lost speech] Hey um... what do you say we celebrate. Champaign?
Charlie: Oh yea! Hey, save the cork, and that way we can fill the bottle up with water and put it back so they don't charge you.
Dr. Ross Geller: [In amazement] Oh my God, I love you.
Katie: A paleontologist who works out... you're like "Indiana Jones."
Ross: I AM like "Indiana Jones."
Dr. Ross Geller: The Wheel of Mayhem has not been my friend tonight, Joey.
Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at in 12 interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: Well, you would be too if you got new boots with 50% off!
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.
Russ: Hey, you listen.
Ross: No, no, let me finish.
Russ: No, let me finish.
Ross: No, you let me fini...
[Rachel walks up behind them]
Ross: Hi.
Russ: Hi.
Rachel: Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
[turns away]
Dr. Ross Geller: By the way, if it makes you feel any better, uh... I happen to *like* eight-year-old boys.
Caitlin: ...What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, I mean - wh- the - n-n-you... The, uh - well, your hair, before - your hair; - you said you thought that your hair looked like an eight-year-old boy's, and I'm - I'm just sayin' I like it... the - the hair.
Caitlin: ...Thanks.
Dr. Ross Geller: ...You understand I don't actually *like* eight-year-old boys?
Joey: [at the Rangers game] Hey, we better get going. If we don't leave right now, we're gonna be late for dinner.
Dr. Ross Geller: But its a tie game. So what if we're a little late. You know, the girls will be there. Let's just stay for one more goal.
Joey: I dunno.
Dr. Ross Geller: One more fight.
Joey: Ok
Dr. Leonard Green: So what's new with you, Geller? Knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
Dr. Ross Geller: [nervously] Nope, just the one.
Ross: Hey! What are you doing?
Monica: This is my new year's resolution!
Ross: To blind my child?
[first lines]
Rachel: Will you let it go? It's not that big a deal!
Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing! Okay? You just reach in and then this one little maneuver and bam! a bra! Right out the sleeve. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right here?
[Chandler obviously agrees]
Rachel: Oh, come on, you guys can pee standing up!
Chandler: We can? Okay, I'll try that.
Joey: Uh, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want. Look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.
Phoebe: Okay, you know what I don't get? The guys can do so many mean things and then not even care.
Ross: [got no answer to this] Multiple orgasms!
Dr. Ross Geller: You're the person who checked out my book?
Rachel: But Pheebs, you - you could still use the copy machine where I actually work. But just come by at lunch so that my boss doesn't see you, 'cause Kim will just freak out, and she already doesn't like me very much.
Chandler: That's weird, I don't think my boss likes me either.
Monica: Mmm... I don't think mine likes me either.
Dr. Ross Geller: Maybe it's a... universal thing?
Joey: Yeah, or maybe it's because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday!
[Rachel, Chandler, Monica and Ross think about this]
Chandler: Yeah, let's head off to work.
Dr. Ross Geller: I like Ruth. How about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton?
Dr. Ross Geller: Veto. Stewart?
Rachel: Veto. Sawyer?
Dr. Ross Geller: Veto. Helen?
Rachel: Veto
Phoebe: Is it me or is Veto starting to sound really good?
Joey: You don't smell it? Something's on fire.
Rachel: I don't smell anything.
Joey: Oh, you know what? It's probably just your burnin' loins.
Dr. Ross Geller: [arriving] What are you guys talking about?
Rachel: Nothing.
Dr. Ross Geller: Dang, this coffee's cold. Hey, Rach - do you mind if I heat this up on your loins?
Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad. Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game.
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.
Dr. Ross Geller: Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too.
Phoebe: [sexy tone] Oooh, I like that, "Daddy".
Dr. Ross Geller: I... I was just talking about Rachel.
Phoebe: Oooh, is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy gonna spank me?
Dr. Ross Geller: [trying to be sexy] Well that depends, have you been a baaad gi...
[stops]
Dr. Ross Geller: no I can't.
[Rachel walks out the door, without giving Ross a "good-bye"]
Dr. Ross Geller: What? I don't get a good-bye?
Joey: Lucky bastard!
[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!
Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y'know what's a good visual aide?
Dr. Ross Geller: Please don't say naked chicks.
Joey: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: I-I-I don't even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y'know what? I'm just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks!
Chandler: That's the way I did it 'til I was nineteen.
[Ross looks at him]
Chandler: All right, twenty.
[Joey looks at him]
Chandler: Twenty-three.
Joey: So how did it go with Julie? Did you break her heart?
Ross: Yes. It was horrible, she cried, I cried, she threw things, they hit me.
Joey: Are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?
Joey: No, why?
Dr. Ross Geller: I just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn't have naked chicks on it.
Rachel: [Monica pointed out that Rachel has dental floss in her hair, and she whispers:] We ended up having sex in his chair.
Monica: [yells] You had sex in his chair?
[the others hear]
Monica: I said that a little bit too loudly, didn't I?
Dr. Ross Geller: You- You did what?
Phoebe: Sex in his chair.
Chandler: [a bit stunned by what he just saw] Robert's coming out.
Dr. Ross Geller: What? You mean he's gay?
Chandler: He's coming out of his shorts.
Dr. Ross Geller: Huh?
Chandler: The man is showing brain.
Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. I'm gonna ask you questions and you've gotta answer real fast, OK? What do you like better, action or comedy?
Dr. Ross Geller: Action.
Joey: Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: Dude, you are sick!
Joey: Oh, right, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing!
[Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel]
Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
[Rachel returns to her room]
Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Ross: What?
Chandler: [shyly] The sheep.
Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...
Ross: Sorry, Ben, but Santa has to go now.
Ben: Why? I want him to stay.
Chandler: Because... if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo stay in the same room for too long... the universe will... implode...
Ross: Uh, Pheebs I don't think "scrunchie" is a word...
Phoebe: Why not? If "crunchie" is a word why isn't "scrunchie"?
Chandler: All right, well I'm using that same argument for "fligament".
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance.
Dr. Ross Geller: How sad are we?
Joey: Yeah, I know.
Chandler: Y'know what? We're not sad, we're not sad, we're just not 21 anymore. Y'know? I'm 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!
Ross: [upon seeing his parents sitting by the window at the coffee house] Mom? Dad? What-what... what you guys doing here?
Jack: Well, you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we'd see what all the fuss is about.
Judy: [smiling] I certainly see what the girls like coming here.
Ross: Why?
Judy: The sexy blonde behind the counter. S
[he waves at Gunther, who awkwardly waves back]
Ross: [shocked] Gunther?
Jack: Your mother just added him to her list.
Ross: What? Your-your list?
Judy: Yeah, the list that-of people we're allowed to sleep...
Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is!
Jack: Come on, sit down. Have a cup of Joe.
Ross: No, Dad , I-I can't. I'm sorry. Look, if you see Chandler, could you just tell him I'm looking for him.
Jack: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I'm looking for her.
[Jack winks at Ross. Ross points at him and winks back before he exits]
[Celia and Ross are cuddling on the couch]
Celia: Talk dirty...
Ross: Um... uh, OK, uh... er... vulva.
Ross: Phoebe, there is no secret, OK? I didn't propose.
Phoebe: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us you were a doctor?
[a long, awkward silence]
Ross: [angrily] I AM a doctor!
Ross: And, uh, then I kissed her.
Joey: Tongue?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Cool.
Ross: What are you thinking?
Rachel: I'm thinking... I'm going to order a pizza.
Ross: Order a pizza, like... I forgive you?
Joey: Guess what job I just got?
Chandler: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
[pauses]
Ross: What?
Chandler: Blue blazer back. He wants it back.
Rachel: But, you said "black". Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler: Well, you know what I meant.
Monica: No, you messed it up. You're stupid.
Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Rachel: How about you, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No, thanks, I've already seen one.
Ross: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or to get a hooker.
Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.
Phoebe: It's not that I'm judgmental, but the whole thing is wrong, it's sick and wrong.
Ross: Is it the age thing?
Phoebe: I'm okay with the age thing, until it starts to put its tongue down my brother's throat.
Dr. Ross Geller: How do you think he's going to take it.
Rachel: That is hard to, Ross. That is hard to say.
Ross: [Pleading] Please help me I have a date tonight, it has to go well I'm scared for my health.
Joey: [Thinking quickly] Okay, I got something, it's a story I came up with. It's very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it, they become "putty".
Ross: Really? Well, tell it to me.
Joey: [Genuinely warning him] Now you're going to want to have sex with me, but remember it's just "a story".
Ross: [Sarcastically] I'll try to control myself.
Joey: Okay, years ago when I was backpacking through Western Europe...
Ross: [Doubtfully] You were backpacking through Western Europe?
Joey: [Feeling belittled and gets up to leave] Have a nice six more months.
Ross: Everything so far sounds great, Joey. Just remember, keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out, playing poker. No strippers or anything, okay?
Joey: You got it!
Ross: OK, see you later.
Chandler: Have fun planning your "mellow" bachelor party!
Joey: Well, there's gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers.
Chandler: He just said, "No strippers."
Joey: Oh. I chose not to hear that.
Ross: This can't be it.
Rachel: ...then how come it is?
Rachel: I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us, but I can't do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment.
Dr. Ross Geller: None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me.
[Joey is hanging onto a ladder under a balcony on the Fire Escape]
Dr. Ross Geller: OK. You have a good grip?
Joey: [calmly] Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: OK. I'm gonna start to climb down you now.
Joey: [getting impatient] Right. Just hurry up!
Dr. Ross Geller: Now should I climb down your front so we're face to face or should I climb down your back so we're... butt to face?
[short pause]
Joey: [in agreement] Face to face.
Dr. Ross Geller,8064: [almost in unison] Face to face.
[Ross took a message from a guy to Rachel]
Ross: Hey, who's this uh, this Casey?
Phoebe: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.
Ross: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?
Chandler: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... you know, make a little love... well pretty much get down tonight.
Rachel: [upset because Joey's just ruined the end of 'The Shining' for her] All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.
Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
Rachel: Beth dies.
Joey: [completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies?
[to Chandler]
Joey: If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Chandler: No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.
Rachel: [ornery monkey getting frisky in Rachel's room] Marcel! Stop it, Marcel! Bad monkey!
Ross: What?
Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.
Mike: I heard that weddings are a forty billion dollar a year industry.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah. And I'm responsible for just half of that.
Ross: What? You're over me? When were you... under me?
Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!
Rachel: Yeah! You, and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!
Ross: I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for, okay? I didn't finish the whole letter!
Rachel: What?
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell asleep?
Ross: It was five thirty in the morning. And you had rambled on for eighteen pages. FRONT AND BACK!
Ross: Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Oh! Chandler gets it. It's Chandler Bing.
Monica: No.
Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to "Chanandler Bong".
Monica: I knew that. Rachel, use your head.
Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong.
Ross: [screaming at the answering machine] Did she get off the plane? God did she get off the plane!
Rachel: [Rachel shows up at the door] I got off the plane.
Chandler: [monotone] Hi.
Rachel: What's the matter with you?
Chandler: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat!
Rachel: No?
Joey: You're kiddin'?
Dr. Ross Geller: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel: Hi.
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi.
[they both hug]
Chandler: Ohhh
[he turns as if to hug someone]
Chandler: Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
Ross: I just don't think breast milk is for adults.
Chandler: Of course the packaging does appeal to the grown-up type.
[Ross is refusing to have another nap with Joey]
Joey: OK - well, you want a drink?
Ross: Sure; what d'you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin PM...?
Ross: [on attending a party in 1987 with Rachel] After you told me that she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was alright. She was lying on my bed, all buried in people's coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away - but then I felt her kissing me back. It was only for a second, but it was amazing! And now I found out that you kissed her first!
Chandler: Wait - what bed did you say she was on?
Ross: Mine.
Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on *my* bed.
Ross: No, she was defintely on my bed.
Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on *your* bed?
Ross: Well, then, who was on my bed?
Monica: ...Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: [horrified] No! No! No!
Monica: Yes!
Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I *was* the pile of coats.
Ross: Oh, my god!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica: You were my first kiss ever?
Chandler: ...What did I marry into?
Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?
[Ross and Chandler laugh]
Ross: Oh, yeah.
Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Joey: Sorry.
Ross: It's morphin time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
[Joey, Ross and Chandler cross their arms like the "Power Rangers" do]
Isaac: We're the same, you and me.
Ross: No, we're not.
Isaac: Yes, we are.
Ross: No... we're not.
Isaac: Yes, we are.
Ross: [angrily] No. We're not.
Isaac: [defensively] Okay, okay. We're not...
Ross: Right.
Isaac: But we are.
Ross: Fine. I just need to know that you're *not* gonna tell your sister.
Isaac: I can promise not to tell her *again.*
Ross: While we're waiting, why don't you guys record your message to Emma?
Chandler: Hi Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?
Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
Rachel: What?
Ross: [shouts] I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you!
Rachel: Hey, I was doing great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
Ross: Well then you should have said something before I met her!
Rachel: I didn't *know* then! And how come *you* never said anything to *me*?
Ross: There was never a good time.
Rachel: Yeah right. You only had a *year* , we only hung out *every* night.
Ross: Not, not, not... *every* night.
Ross: What is the name of Chandler's father's all male burlesque review?
Monica: Viva Las Gay-gas.
Chandler: Unfortunately, that would be correct.
Dr. Ross Geller: You balded my girlfriend!
Monica: [after watching the video] I can't believe you did that.
Ross: Yeah, well...
[Rachel walks to Ross and kisses him]
Monica: I'm so glad you got to see the babies
Rachel: I'm just sorry I won't be around to see you guys try to handle this I love you all so much
Rachel: [to Ross] I just want you to know last night I'll never forget it
Dr. Ross Geller: [They hug and Rachel leaves] Neither will I
Phoebe: [to Ross] You just let her go?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah
Joey: Maybe that's for the best
Ross: Wait a minute. The house is built on radioactive waste and an ancient Indian burial ground? That-that would never happen.
Phoebe: Okay, you obviously don't know anything about the U.S. government.
Joey: Who would you rather sleep with: Monica or Rachel?
Ross: ...Dude, you are sick.
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.
Ross: [Ross's speech in Barbados, Rachel is laughing] ... is thought to be separate species from homo erectus
Joey: Homo?
Rachel: [Still laughing] Erectus.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross and Phoebe are kissing] Wait, wait, wait, wait. My foot is stuck in the pocket. No I can't get it out.
Phoebe: Well, that's not something a girl wants to hear.
Dr. Ross Geller: Come on, don't start. Ow!
Phoebe: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Stupid balls are in the way.
Ross: [Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas, then Ross enters the scene] I'd like to make a toast, to Rachel and Joey
Rachel: Ooyy!
Ross: And... to *love*.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas]
Ross: Ahh, love... l-o-v-e. L is for life, and what is life without love?
Rachel: [to Joey] Oh my god, I was supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for Oh WOW! V is for this very surprising turn of events which I am still fine with, by the way.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas again]
Ross: E is for how *extremely* normal I find it that *you* two are together... and that one day you might get married and have children of your own.
Joey: [awkward silence] Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally!
[drinks margarita]
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem OK.
Ross: I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some *flan*!
Charlie: Wait Ross, Ross, I-I have to take off.
Ross: Nooo!
Charlie: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.
Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.
Charlie: *You're on fire*! I'll call you in the morning, ok?
Ross: OK.
[goes to kitchen]
Charlie: Oh God Rachel, what Ross just said, that is-...
Rachel: Oh!that's ok, girls tend not to like me.
Charlie: Bye.
Ross: [Ross enters the room with flan] OK! I guess it's just flan for three! Hey... hey, that rhymed!
Rachel: You know what Ross? I think we're gonna take of too.
Ross: Oh, oh... Of course! God, I'm so stupid, you guys are a couple now and you probably just wanna be alone.
Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late-...
Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine, it's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas, it's all good.
[oven timer sounds]
Ross: I don't even know what that's for.
Joey: You've got to think about last night the way she does, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye
Phoebe: But she'll never know how he feels
Joey: Maybe that's ok maybe it's better this way now you can move on you've been trying to for so long and now you're on different continents maybe you can actually do it: finally get over her
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, that's true except I don't want to get over her
Joey: [Surprised] What?
Dr. Ross Geller: I want to be with her
Phoebe: Really?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah I'm going to go after her
Joey: What'd think she'll say?
Phoebe: My cab's downstairs I'll drive you to the airport
Dr. Ross Geller: [to everybody] Ok wish me luck you guys
Ross: Will everyone please stop drinking the breast milk?
Phoebe: So you won't even drink it?
Ross: No.
Phoebe: Not even if you pretended it was milk?
Ross: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.
Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody's ass!
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: After one class? I don't think so.
Rachel: What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!
Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, it's a concept.
Phoebe: Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel.
Ross: All right, maybe it means that too.
Rachel: Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now.
Ross: Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!
Policeman #2: Your license, please.
Dr. Ross Geller: You don't want to hear about my dream, Officer... Pretty?
Policeman #2: It's Petty. I'll be right back with your ticket.
Monica: What's the part?
Joey: It's not a part. No. I'm teaching Acting for Soap Operas at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on. That's great.
Joey: It's like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross: You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey: [long pause] I know.
Ross: Rachel said you're just using me to get back at her...
Jill: So?
[starts making out with him]
Ross: What is with everyone today? It's Thanksgiving not truth day!
Janice: [she's having contractions] Oh, I feel another one coming.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Janice is screaming, which drives Ross and Rachel crazy, but her husband Sid can barely hear her because he's almost deaf] Sid, you lucky damn bastard.
Ross: [fighting with Rachel, while everyone else is eavesdropping in Monica's Room] She was...
Joey: Awful!
Chandler: Not good! Not good!
Joey: Nothing compared to you.
Ross: Different.
Joey: No!
Chandler: Uh oh.
Dr. Ross Geller: I just can't see Chandler cheating.
Rachel: I'm telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester. They went in for like 45 minutes and they came out looking pretty happy.
Joey: Chandler? 45 minutes?
Ross: [after Joey enters and exits the apartment singing] I guess he must've gotten the part in that play.
Phoebe: Oh!
Monica: Oh!
Chandler: Yeah, either that or Gloria Estefan *was* right. Eventually, the rhythm *is* going to get you.
Charlie: I broke up with Joey. I mean he was fun, but every time I was with him, I found myself thinking about you. Oh, my God, it's like I'm your groupie!
Ross: [chuckling nervously] Wow, my own groupie. I just better not catch you naked in my hotel room. Look, I took it too far!
Ross: [Ross and Mona's intimate moment is interrupted by Rachel's father] Dr. Green?
Dr. Leonard Green: Alright, Geller - what do you mean getting my Rachel pregnant, and then refusing to marry her?
Ross: [looks at Mona and then back at Dr. Green] You know, this really isn't a good time.
[Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead]
Ross: So, did you bring Joey?
Rachel: Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing.
[Chandler walks in]
Ross: Chandler. You brought Chandler. The next best thing would be Monica.
Chandler: Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong.
Ross: Wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.
[first lines]
Monica: [playing game] Phoebe?
Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I was omnipotent for a day, I'd want, uh, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain forest. And bigger boobs!
Ross: Oh. So you took mine! Chandler, how about you?
Chandler: Uh, if I was omnipotent for a day, I'd make myself omnipotent forever.
Rachel: [smirks] See? There's always one guy. "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes."
Dr. Ross Geller: I figured after work I go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and try to woo her.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's when that phrase was last used.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uh, Sweetie, we've got to go.
Rachel: NO!
Dr. Ross Geller: No?
Rachel: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your timetable.
Dr. Ross Geller: Actually, it's the movie theater that has the timetable.
Rachel: Oh, please. You inhale your food.
Ross: I grew up with Monica. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!
Ross: Look, Rachel. I play to win, and in order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're going to play with me, don't expect me to be a nice guy, 'cause when I play poker...
[wipes his hands]
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: I'm not a nice guy.
Janice: This is my husband Sid. I don't think you've met him. I nabbed him at the dermatologist's. Thank God for adult acne!
Sid: I can't believe it. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Dr. Ross Geller: Really?
Sid: What did he say?
Janice: You have to speak loudly - he's almost completely deaf.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, there you go.
Rachel: [about the cat] I give up, you guys. I don't know what I'm gonna do with this thing.
Dr. Ross Geller: Baking it didn't help, huh?
Monica: So why don't you just take it back where you got it?
Rachel: I tried, they won't take her back.
Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the antichrist.
[In the Central Perk, Joey told Ross he likes Rachel]
Ross: I don't... Rachel?
Joey: Ross...
Ross: Rachel?
[Ross leaves; Joey turns around and finds Gunther right behind him]
Gunther: RACHEL?
Joey: Where's my underwear?
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear?
Chandler: He took my essence.
Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.
Chandler: [Ross is worried that Emily is gay because she and Susan are having so much fun together in London] Hi. Hi. You're crazy. Ok, this is Emily, Emily is straight.
Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her.
Phoebe: [Phoebe is trying to decide on a name for one of the triplets]
[Shaking her head]
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm definitely, I don't like the name 'Ross'.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.
Phoebe: No, no, I just, I meant for the baby.
Ross: What's wrong with 'Ross'?
Phoebe: Well it just, you know, something like this would never happen to like 'The Hulk', you know.
Joey: I went out a couple of times with this girl - really hot, great kisser. But she had the biggest Adam's apple! It made me nuts.
Ross: Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey: ...
[laughs]
Joey: You guys are messing with me, aren't you?
Everyone: [pause] Oh, yeah, yes...
Joey: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "Whoa."
Rachel: The "I Hate Rachel Green Club"? Who was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross...
Ross: There's no need to point; she knows who Ross is.
Rachel: Ross! Who else?
Ross: Well, there was that exchange student from Thailand, but I don't think he really understand what it was.
Rachel: [to Monica] Did you know about this?
Monica: I swear I didn't know. Wait a minute; is that why the two of you used to go into your room and lock the door?
Ross: [ashamed] Uh, yes.
Monica: Gotta tell you; that's a relief.
Phoebe: Ooh, look! Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
Phoebe: [the gang rushes to the window] Ew...
Phoebe: OOH!
Rachel: That had to hurt!
[the gang is ready to travel to the beach. Rachel arrives, wearing a ridiculously big hat]
Joey: [chuckles] Hey-hey, check out the hat!
Chandler: Wait a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can't have children!
Monica: Seriously, where did you get the hat?
Rachel: [points at Ross] Ross gave it to me.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, I think she looks good.
Rachel: [smiles at Ross] Ohh, thank you.
Chandler: Buy it for you, or win it for you?
Rachel: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back.
Phoebe: And this time, they've ganged up to form one giant, super hat!
Ross: [Rachel has just met Ross's Asian girlfriend] Rachel, this is Julie. I met her in China.
Ross: [notices Rachel has brought flowers] What are those?
Rachel: Oh, these?
Rachel: [begins speaking slowly and distinctly to Julie] These are for you! Welcome to our country.
Julie: [slowly and distinctly] Thank you; I'm from New York.
Chandler: [to Joey] You know what? OK. Fine. Don't get up. You just sit right there. I hope you don't mind you know, my hand... right here!
[Chandler puts his hand right in front of Joey's face, annoying him]
Joey: Oh!
Chandler: [moves his hand back and forth while mocking Joey] Oh, not touching! Can't get mad! Not touching! Can't get mad! Not touching! Can't get mad!
[Joey gets mad and flicks some of his hummus at Chandler, but it misses and lands on Phoebe's dress]
Phoebe: [gets up] Oh my god! You rotten boys!
[the guys back away]
Chandler,8064: Sorry Phoebe.
Joey: I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: [frantically examines the stain] What am I gonna do?
Ross: No! No! Don't-don't rub it! Don't! What gets out hummus? What gets out hummus?
[as he speaks, Ross claps his hands and Monica enters the room]
Phoebe: [cries] Monica! Monica! You know what gets out hummus?
Monica: [pauses] If it *is* a new message, what is he calling to say?
Phoebe: [sarcastically] OK. Thanks. Yeah, I'll try that!
Rachel: There is no "us".
Ross: No but...
Rachel: No, listen to me: I fell for you and I got clobbered, you fell for me then somehow I got clobbered again. I am tired of being clobbered, it's just not worth it.
Ross: But we...
Rachel: No, "we" are never going to happen, accept that.
Ross: [misunderstanding her] Except what?
Rachel: [speaking slower and clearer] No, *accept* that.
[Ross is looking for Chandler]
Ross: Gunther, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: No, no, I haven't seen him.
Ross: [desperate] Oh, damn.
Gunther: He's getting married tomorrow, right?
Ross: Yes, yes. Don't worry. Everything's fine.
[Ross chuckles]
Ross: We'll see you at the wedding.
Gunther: [looks offended] I wasn't invited.
Ross: Then we'll see you the day after tomorrow.
Monica: That You Get. THAT YOU GET
Rachel: No
Phoebe: No
Ross: No
Joey: No
Chandler: No
Ross: About that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what would you do next?
The: Well, she would try to take her keys and then jam...
Ross: No. No, what would *you* do next?
The: Who, me? The Attacker?
Ross: Yes, That's right.
The: Why?
Ross: I tried attacking two women - did not work.
The: What?
Ross: It's OK. I mean, they're my friends. In fact I was married to one of them.
The: Let me get this straight. You attacked youe ex-wife?
Ross: Oh, no, no, no. I *TRIED*.
Ross: That's amazing. How did you know she would buy scotch tape?
Chandler: 'Cause Joey and me used theirs up last night, making scary faces.
Joey: Ok, for next time, what do you say?
Rachel: I have an extra ticket, an extra ticket, not two tickets. I have an extra ticket.
Dr. Ross Geller: So the first time you asked a guy out he turned you down?
Rachel: He didn't turn me down. He's at the game isn't he? I got the date, I'm just not on it.
[Peering out the window]
Phoebe: Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving.
Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes."
Rachel: Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt.
[after Monica gets a disastrous haircut]
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross - it doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good; I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.
Phoebe: [as-a-matter-of-factly] And Monica, what about your extra tickets?
Monica: [protesting] They're all in there!
[Monica then takes more tickets from inside her shirt and offers them to Phoebe]
Monica: Even these five that I hid in my bra!
[the other friends gasp and Phoebe takes the tickets and puts them in the bowl]
Dr. Ross Geller: [shocked] Monica!
Phoebe: [firmly] OK! Good!
[Phoebe holds the bowl away from the edge of the balcony]
Phoebe: [suddenly happy] You guys were so scared! There was no way I was gonna dump this...
[a pigeon suddenly comes out of nowhere, flies right past Phoebe and startles her, causing her to drop the bowl over the balcony and it smashes on the street]
Phoebe: [simply to Monica] I think I broke your bowl.
Dr. Ross Geller: [as the friends move away from the open window and run out of the apartment] Go! Go! Go!
Rachel: [laughing] Okay! So, we'll just... stay married!
Ross: Yes, exactly!
Rachel: [still laughing] And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller!
Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I really thought I'd have to talk you into this more.
Rachel: [Her laughter slowly dies down] Okay, see now I'm scared because I don't actually think you're kidding.
[during the game Rachel has a Pretzel]
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, where did you get that?
Rachel: I went really long!
Ross: Hold my board
[trips up stairs]
[Rachel enters the apartment]
Phoebe: Look! Look! Look!
Ross: Birthday surprise!
Everyone: [in unison] Surprise!
Rachel: [shocked] What? My Birthday is not for another month!
Monica: [optimistic] That's the surprise!
Rachel: [flattered] Oh my gosh! You guys! This is so great! It's so unexpected! I mean *Chandler's* Birthday's even before mine!
[everyone stares at Chandler, who suddenly looks blank]
Everyone: [to Chandler] Surprise!
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?
Joey: Yeah...
Ross: Well, like that, only that instead of a chair it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived.
Phoebe: [Ross's apothecary table has just been revealed after Phoebe dragged the tablecloth off it with her feet] Ross, where'd you get this?
Dr. Ross Geller: [yelling] I got it at Pottery Barn, okay?
Ross: Okay, listen, I am not a pervert.
Phoebe: That's, like, the pervert motto. Yeah, they have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants and repeat that.
Rachel: Well, it was one night at a party and we both had a lot of sangria and we started kissing.
Ross: Now that's two of my wives.
Ross: Hey! I am not unemployed, I'm on sabbatical.
Joey: Okay Ross, don't get all religious on me!
Joey: What's the matter?
Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight but nobody else is going to, so, you know...
Joey: Alright... I'll take care of it.
Monica: Joey! It's thirty seconds to midnight, what are you gonna do?
Joey: Will you just trust me?
[Heads to Ross]
Ross: 33, 32, 31...
Joey: Ross, Ross, listen, who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?
Ross: What?
Joey: Well, you gotta kiss someone, can't kiss your sister.
Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister?
Joey: Chandler.
Ross: Oh, man, really?
Joey: Dude, who would you rather to have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
Ross: That's good point. Well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
Joey: Ok, great
[Goes over to Phoebe]
Joey: Pheebs, Pheebs, listen. Ross wants to kiss you at midnight.
Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask.
Joey: [Going over to Rachel] Rache, Rache. Listen, I'm going to kiss you at midnight.
Rachel: What?
Joey: Everybody's gotta kiss someone, can't kiss Ross, you got the history.
Rachel: So?
Joey: So, who'd you Rather kissing you, me or Chandler?
Rachel: Oh, good point.
[Countdown is over and they all kiss]
Rachel: Can you take care of Emma just for today?
Ross: Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way.
Ross: Passion is way overrated... Eventually, it kind of burns out. But hopefully what you're left with is trust and security and, uh... In my ex-wife's case, lesbianism. For all those people who miss out on that, uh, passion thing, there's other good stuff.
Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
[Everyone gasps]
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!
[Everyone runs to the window to look]
Monica: Who told you that?
[Looks at Chandler]
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: [Gasps] You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: [Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him] Joey was in a porno movie!
[Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that]
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
Dr. Ross Geller: You - You know I don't ha - have a problem with that.
Carol: You slept with another woman?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, you're - you're one to talk!
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages. They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games.
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents.
Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.
Phoebe: [Rhyming] We could not, would not want to wait.
Dr. Leonard Green: Do you know what rust does to a boat?
Ross: Give it that nice, antique-y look?
Dr. Leonard Green: Rust is boat cancer.
Ross: I'm sorry. When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that.
[Ross and Cassie are sitting on the couch watching a movie and drinking wine]
Ross: [in his head] She's your cousin. She's your *cousin*. If she knew what was going on in your head, she'd think you were sick.
[Cassie reaches for some popcorn in a bowl that's in Ross' lap]
Ross: Or would she? Let's back up for a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logan's Run, the sexiest movie ever.
[Cassie grabs a blanket behind Ross and smiles at him]
Ross: Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it, she wants it, I'm going in.
[Ross and Cassie look at each other and smile then Ross leans in for a kiss and Cassie backs away, disturbed]
Cassie: What the hell are you doing?
Ross: [frozen, still in his head] Say something clever...
[doesn't say anything]
Ross: Okay, doesn't have to be clever, just has to be words. Say some words.
[still doesn't say anything]
Ross: Any words will do.
[Ross still sitting frozen staring at Cassie]
Ross: Oh my God, this the longest that anyone has not talked ever! There is nothing you could say to make this worse, so just say something!
Ross: [out loud] I... I haven't had sex in a *very* long time.
[Cassie gets off the couch and walks away]
Ross: [in his head again] Yeah, you really shouldn't have said anything.
Ross: So what are you up to?
Will: I'm a commodities broker.
Ross: Really? That sounds interesting.
Will: Yeah, no, it's not. But I'm rich and thin.
Dr. Ross Geller: How was your sister's graduation?
Rachel: It was the graduation ceremony from Hell.
Chandler: You know, my cousin attended Hell on a football scholarship.
Chandler: [Chandler is waiting for his cyberchick to arrive] Where is she, where is she?
[grabs Rachel]
Chandler: Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
[Chandler then sits down]
Chandler: [gets up after noticing a beautiful blonde walking in] Oh, oh, oh, that's her.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after seeing her] Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler: [Chandler gets up] Oh my God!
Janice: [pause] OH... MY... GAWD!
[Chandler rushes over and kisses her]
Rachel: OH... MY... GOD!
Phoebe: Okay, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution. It's just one of the possibilities.
Ross: It's the only possibility.
Phoebe: Ross, could you just open your mind, like, this much? Okay? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believe the Earth was flat? And up till 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing until you split it open and this whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny, tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
Ross: [faintly] There might be... a teeny... tiny... possibility.
Phoebe: I can't believe you caved.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: You just abandoned your whole belief system! Before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. But... How are you gonna go into work tomorrow? How are you going to face the other science guys? How are you going to face yourself?
[defeated, Ross leaves]
Phoebe: That was fun. So who's hungry?
Joey: [Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with a cup of coffee for him] Morning. Here you go.
Ross: Thanks. Did you stay here all night?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: So you took off my pants and shoes?
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.
Ross: What do you mean?
Joey: Well, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. And clearly...
Ross: Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine!
Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're... You're Ross and Rachel.
Ross: Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that right? Has it been that long?
Joey: That's what I hear, yeah.
Ross: This is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel?
Joey: Come on, I mean, you know me, you know...
Ross: Joey.
Joey: I'm crazy about her.
Ross: And she feels the same way?
Joey: I think so.
Ross: Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved on.
Joey: Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay with it.
Ross: No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she?
Joey: No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me.
Joey: You like this woman, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: You wanna see her again, right?
Ross: Sure.
Joey: Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how you gonna talk dirty to her? Now, tell me you wanna caress my butt!
[Ross has just convinced Rachel to make a list about his negative traits]
Rachel: Okay. You're whiny. You are... you're obsessive. You are insecure. You're gutless. You don't just seize the day. You liked me for, what, a year and you didn't do anything about it. And, uh... oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
Dr. Ross Geller: See? There... you, uh... alright. You did what I said.
Rachel: Yeah, and you know what? You're right. I do feel better. Thank you, Ross.
[Rachel leaves. Ross feels up his hair]
Rachel: I'm still in love with you, Ross.
Ross: [long pause] I'm not sure what to do with that right now.
[Rachel starts laughing]
Ross: Was that a joke? Because it's mean.
Rachel: I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious.
Ross: Then why are you laughing?
Rachel: Because...
[still laughing]
Rachel: ... because I just heard it. And it's ridiculous. I mean, you're married. You're married. And it's like I had this rage rising out of my body. And the the floating rage
[laughs more]
Rachel: it's like "You are such an idiot".
Ross: Well, I haven't seen or spoken to my wife since the wedding.
Rachel: I'm sorry. That's not funny.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know, I didn't wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well guess what, you're not my girlfriend any more, so...
Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point. Now that you're on your own, you're free to look as stupid as you'd like.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Monica] You like it, right?
Monica: Absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders.
Rachel: Maybe you should put it off.
Ross: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.
Rachel: I know, yeah, sorry.
Ross: What, it's not your fault.
Rachel: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.
Ross: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.
Rachel: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.
Ross: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight.
[goes back in apartment]
Rachel: Ohh, God.
Rachel: Hi, Doctor, how are you?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh sure, you're nice to her
Rachel: She has the drugs!
Rachel: I mean, the way you owned up to everything it just... proved how much you had grown, you know? I mean my mom never thought this would work out. She was like: "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Ross: [getting angrier and angrier] Mm hm.
Rachel: Oh. I just wish we hadn't lost these last four months.
Rachel: [taps Ross's face] But if time was what was needed to gain a little perspective.
Ross: [unable to restrain himself any longer, he screams] WE. WERE. ON. A. BREEEAAAK!
Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even open the door.
Phoebe: I wonder why, pervert.
Ross: Ok listen. I am not a pervert.
Phoebe: That's like the pervert motto.
Ross: You have a date? Who with?
Monica: No one.
Ross: C'mon, what's his name?
Monica: Nothing.
Ross: Come on, tell me.
Monica: All right, but I'm very excited about this okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
Ross: Oh, I promise. What?
Monica: It's Richard Burke.
Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Dr. Burke? You have a date with Dr. Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to dad.
Monica: Here we go.
Ross: No, I think it's great that he's like 50. I mean uh... he'll be an inspiration to men who are almost retired all over the world.
Monica: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.
Ross: Dr. Burke is sexy?
Phoebe: Oh God, absolutely.
Ross: No Phoebe. You don't want to see what's under there.
Phoebe: Oh my God... the foster puppets.
Ross: [In armadillo costume] What are you doing here Santa?
Chandler: [In Santa costume] Well I'm here to see my old buddy Ben! What are you doing here... weird turtle man?
Ross: Aw, my little sister and my best friend... shackin' up.
Dr. Ross Geller: Well... if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image, because even big butts, or "juicy doubles" are...
[Sees how angry Rachel is]
Dr. Ross Geller: Please don't take her away from me.
Dr. Ross Geller: Wassup!
Chandler: Seriously, dude. Three years ago.
Rachel: [painting Monica's fingernails] All done!
Monica: Thank you.
Rachel: [looks around the room] OK! Who's next?
[Rachel eyes Ross]
Dr. Ross Geller: [trying not to laugh but definite] No!
[Rachel shows big eyes as if to say, "Please?"]
Dr. Ross Geller: [trying not laugh] No way!
Rachel: [desparate] Come on please? I'm bored! You let me do it once before.
[Ross reacts and looks at Joey, who looks at Chandler as if to say, "When was this?" and Chandler's expression implies, "Don't look at me."]
Dr. Ross Geller: [looks at Rachel with a simple tone] Yeah well if er... if *that's* the rule this weekend...
[Rachel gets up and approaches Ross]
Dr. Ross Geller: [at the same time as Rachel] No. Get away. Stay... No. No!
Rachel: [at the same time as Ross] Yeah. Come on. Take it like a man Ross. Come on. Oh, come on.
[Ross gets up, runs around the room and Rachel chases him and he accidentally flattens one of Chandler's sandcastles as he runs by]
Chandler: [very annoyed] Big bullies!
[Ross jumps on the sofa, Rachel jumps on top of him, they hold each other off but stop and look in each others' eyes]
Phoebe: [enters the beach house and puts down her umbrella] Hey! So how are we doing?
Chandler: [as Ross and Rachel get up] Bored and bored.
Joey: [grinning] Hey! You know what naked card game's never boring?
Rachel: No!
Ross: I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardize. I thought we were broken up.
Rachel: We were on a break.
Ross: That, for all I knew, could last forever. That, to me, is a breakup.
Rachel: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?
Ross: I'm not trying to "get out" of anything, okay? I thought our relationship was dead.
Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake.
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Joey: Hey, look, a new Playboy.
Monica: Yeah. Just something I picked up.
Dr. Ross Geller: Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever.
Dr. Ross Geller: [implying he fell asleep at a lecture he attended with her] So I nodded off a little...
Rachel: Nodded off? Ross, you were snoring! My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks!
Dr. Ross Geller: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy-backed dresses.
Rachel: Okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and his 'hey, everybody, remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years? Well, here's a little bone we didn't know it had!
Phoebe: I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything?
Monica: I'll have a latte.
Ross: I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf.
Chandler: I'll have a bagel with a little...
Phoebe: You know I was just being polite.
Ross: [talking about his threesome with Carol and Susan] Did you ever go to a party and think, "would anyone really miss me if I weren't here".
Joey: But still, Ross, your worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day.
Ross: Rachel's pregnant.
Phoebe,8064: [feigning surprise] Oh, my goodness! What?
Ross: With my child!
Phoebe: [as Joey gasps] That is brand new information!
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, Rachel. Do you have any idea where Joey is?
Rachel: [long pause] I really don't.
Monica: Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You've been through so much since then. And right now you've got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can't you just let this go?
Rachel: She's right.
Ross: Yeah. I mean we are having a baby together.
Will: Hold on! You got her pregnant?
Ross: Yeah.
Will: Are ya getting married?
Ross: Nope.
Will: So you knocked her up but you're not gonna marry her. Dude!
[Wants to high-five but Ross ignores him]
Will: Anybody?
Dr. Ross Geller: [about a book Rachel read] I don't know. It has trees and wind and some kind of sacred pool. I don't get it, but she's pretty upset by it.
Joey: This is why I don't date women who read.
Chandler: [about Joey's cameo in a porn movie] What's this in my pocket? It's Joey's porn video!
Rachel: C'mon guys; let's not watch it. Porn is degrading to women and degrading to females and... help me out, Monica.
Monica: Are you kidding? I want to see Joey!
Chandler: [the porn video takes place in an office] *That* is the damnedest typing test I have ever seen.
Rachel: Wow, I hope she gets the job.
Ross: I'd say he is the one getting *the job*.
Rachel: Um, I was thinking if it's a girl how about Sandrene? It's French.
Dr. Ross Geller: Huh. That's a really pretty name... for an industrial solvent.
Chandler: [after doing a list of Rachel's pros and cons] All right, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
Ross: She's not Rachel.
[Ross has just scared Phoebe and Rachel]
Ross: At what point of those girlish screams would you have begun to KICK MY ASS?
Rachel: Alright, so we weren't PREPARED!
Dr. Ross Geller: I laughed so hard.
Chandler: Ho, ho - so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Dr. Ross Geller: Whatever, dude; you kissed a guy.
Monica: Oh, my god. Chandler. Why aren't you in Tulsa? Won't you get fired?
Chandler: They can't fire me because I quit. I mean, why should everybody else do what they like, except for me.
Monica: Oh, I'm so happy.
Chandler: And, by the way, here are your Christmas presents.
[hands out envelopes to everyone]
Ross: [opens envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the New York Ballet".
[everyone looks disapprovingly at Chandler]
Chandler: Ok, I don't have a JOB.
Monica: [Monica enters carrying one of the babies] Hey.
Chandler: [Chandler enters carrying the other baby] Hey.
Dr. Ross Geller: Awkward question: the hospital knows you took two right?
Phoebe: What kind of twins are they?
Monica: [Referring to the baby she's carrying] This one's a boy the baby Chandler's carrying is a girl.
Chandler: Her name is Erica.
Joey: That pregnant girl's name is Erica.
Chandler: It's a shame the two of you didn't get to spend more together.
Monica: [to Ross] We named the boy "Jack" after dad.
Dr. Ross Geller: His going to be so happy.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross barges in on Ryan and Phoebe desperately scratching each other] Now I would have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan you're a Military Man!
Ross: I'm really going to have to settle down. I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
[Joey giggles]
Ross: What's so funny?
Chandler: He thought you said "gonad".
Rachel: I do not think what our children's names are gonna be!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross looks at her]
Rachel: You know what our children's names are gonna be!
Dr. Ross Geller: No, no, I mean you know, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily, and I thought, I thought it might be good.
Rachel: What was the book?
Dr. Ross Geller: ...The big book of children's name.
[Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been cheating on her]
Rachel: What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean squat to you people?
Ross: Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's?
Rachel: What are you, a detective?
Ross: [Ross is hungover] I do still have a girlfriend, don't I? She didn't... see the dance?
Joey: No. That was just for me.
Ross: I'm Ross Geller, and that - that's my boy in there.
[proudly puts his hand on Carol's belly]
Ross: And this is Carol Willard, and this is Susan Bunch. Susan is Carol's, uh...
[stammers, falters]
Ross: Who's next?
The: I still didn't get who Susan is.
Ross: Susan is... Carol's - Carol's - Carol's friend.
Carol: Life partner.
Ross: Life buddies.
Susan: Life lovers.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Carol: [explaining to the teacher] He's not living with me.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Susan: Carol, not me.
Ross: Uh, right.
Carol: It's a little complicated.
Susan: But we're fine.
Ross: Absolutely.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's a duck.
Chandler: That's a bad duck!
Rachel: [walks out of Monica's room carrying extra Lottery tickets] Well! Well! Well! Look what Mommy found!
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross gasp and look at Monica]
Monica: [annoyed] OK fine! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler.
Phoebe: [gasps and points at Monica] My psychic also said that I would be betrayed.
Dr. Ross Geller: [disappointed] I can't believe this. I thought we were all in this together.
Monica: [annoyed] Hey! You just got in 5 minutes ago!
Dr. Ross Geller: [very annoyed] *Three* minutes ago! I don't know why that's important!
Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off of the penis and moved it to the bunny... That's a WEIRD sentence.
Ross: Hey, dude, are you okay? Sorry about before.
Chandler: No, that's okay. You're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings, and I want you to know that if I die you don't get Joey.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Rachel tells him that Phoebe hates Pottery Barn] She hates Pottery Barn?
[Elizabeth is packing for spring break]
Ross: I'm just here to be supportive, to make sure you're...
[holding a tiny swimsuit from Elizabeth's suitcase]
Ross: What is this?
Elizabeth: A swimsuit.
Ross: To wear in front of people?
Elizabeth: Is that supportive?
Ross: [holding up swimsuit] Is *this*?
Rachel: [to the gang after finding Joey with a nude photo of Monica that she gave Chandler] Joey has got a secret peephole!
Chandler: Oh no, no no!
Rachel: Yes, he has a naked picture of Monica. He takes naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken, and he looks at them! Look!
[shoves the photo in Ross' face]
Ross: [covering his eyes] No! Dude, that's my sister!
Ross: [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: [from behind] I got off the plane.
[Chandler, Joey and Ross are talking about Elizabeth]
Joey: Or you know, you could do...
[Pushes Ross into his fridge]
Ross: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!
Ross: What? How do you even know it's broken?
Joey: You think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me.
[Puts hand in fridge]
Joey: What do you know? It's broken! That'll be $400.
Chandler: Joey I saw you push him.
[Silence]
Joey: You pushed him!
Ross: Joey, I did not break this, okay?
[Sniffs inside it]
Ross: That has been broken for a while.
Joey: [Seriously] Hey Chandler, remember when I told you about our fridge?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.
Ross: Do not give him any money!
[Joey turns to Ross]
Joey: I'm not talking to you, you broke my fridge!
Dr. Ross Geller: Um ok, see, you were on my list, but then my friend Chandler brought up the very good point that you were international, so I bumped you for Winona Ryder.
Isabella: You know, it's ironic, because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys, and yesterday I just bumped you for that guy over there.
Ross: [after he's broken up with Carol] Hi...
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Reading his speech to Charlie] ... By using CT scans, and computer imaging, we can in a very real way bring the Mesezoic Era into the 21st century.
Charlie: [In astonishment] It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, and you know what, that'll be even better tomorrow because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet.
[opens the door for Joey, Chandler and Rachel]
Joey: Hey guys!
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Joey] The chocolates aren't here yet.
Joey: [Walks in in disappointment] Dammit!
Charlie: [to Joey] Ross just read me his speech. It's fantastic.
Chandler: [to Charlie] Oh, is it on the computer? 'Cause I'd like to give it a read.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Chandler] If you want to check your email, just ask.
Chandler: What?
[Realizing Ross caught his bluff]
Chandler: 'Kay.
[Friendlily pats Ross on his chest]
[At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve"]
Stage: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air.
[Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica]
Stage: Yeah. Let's start.
Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air?
[Rachel has just told Ross that she is pregnant]
Ross: Yeah, I need, uh... I'm just - I don't know - I don't understand, um, how this happened? We - we used a condom.
Rachel: I know. I know - but, y'know, condoms only work, like, 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What? Well, they should put that on the box!
Rachel: They do!
Ross: No, they don't!
Ross: [he runs to the bedroom, and returns with his box of condoms] Well, they should put it in huge black letters!
Rachel: OK, Ross - come on; let's just forget about the condoms.
Ross: Oh, well, I may as well have!
Ross: [to Chandler] How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend, Joey, gives her an orange?
Dr. Ross Geller: You know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage?
Rachel: Yeah. I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.
Dr. Ross Geller: And while that was good advice, you should know that what... what she wants...
Rachel: Yeah?
Dr. Ross Geller: ...is for me not to see you anymore.
Rachel: Well, that's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell her?
[awkward silence]
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, you've already agreed to this, haven't you?
[her eyes are filling with tears]
Dr. Ross Geller: It's awful, I know. I mean, I feel terrible. But I have to do this if I want my marriage to work, and I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have to. But the good thing is, we can still see each other until she gets here.
Rachel: [clapping her hands] Oh! Lucky me! Oh my god, that *is* good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Lepooh died!
Dr. Ross Geller: I don't get a good-bye?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Everyone gets a good-bye, but me? What do I got to do to get a good-bye? Huh? Uh, be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have - have a baby with you? Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! I *did* all those things!
Rachel: Ross...
Dr. Ross Geller: Or no, maybe, maybe I'm just not giving you enough credit! Uh, I mean it *is* difficult to say "good-bye" to five people. Uh, "good-bye", "good-bye", "good-bye", "good-bye", "goo - guh - guh", it's physically impossible!
[pause]
Dr. Ross Geller: You know, after all we've been through, I can't believe *this* is how you want to leave things between us. Have a, have a good time in Paris.
[leaves]
Rachel: Oh, and, uh, by the way...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I am going commando, too.
Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come?
Rachel: No. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked.
Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we haven't tried,
[mimicking Ross]
Rachel: But someone thinks that, "That will open up a can of worms."
Monica: Well what is it? What is it? If it's gonna help bring the baby here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it.
Dr. Ross Geller: It's sex.
Monica: Do it!
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica!
Monica: [to Rachel] I'm just saying it's been a really long time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it, get yours!
Phoebe: Oh I-I don't know about that. No, I think that if the two of you had sex the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic.
Monica: All right, let's be practical, if Ross isn't willing to do it, he's not the only guy in the world you can have sex with. You can borrow Chandler-Chandler is good!
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica, what is the matter with you?
Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
Rachel: [suddenly suspicious] Why? Why today?
Monica: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you're gonna have the baby and I don't want to lose again!
Dr. Ross Geller: What? While she's been going through this hell, you've been making money? You're betting on your friend staying in this misery?
[Phoebe lowers her head in shame and nods yes]
Rachel: I'll take that bet.
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Rachel: Well, I'm miserable here! I might as well make some money out it!
Dr. Ross Geller: [reconsiders] Can I get some of that action?
Monica: Wait a minute! Now I'm betting against all three of you?
Rachel: Oh honey, don't worry. I really do feel like tomorrow's the day.
Monica: Oh, okay!
[Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and mouths the words, "No way."]
Rachel: [referring to Mrs. Altman, the fifty year old librarian Ross made out with in high school] There's a picture of her in the yearbook.
Phoebe: [everyone looks] Wow.
Ross: Hey, she didn't photograph well!
Chandler: Yeah, well, she was probably unfamiliar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.
Phoebe: So how did this happen? Did she lure you to an early bird dinner?
Ross: I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her word jumble and one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender... may she rest in peace.
Ross: What is Chandler Bing's job?
Rachel: [long pause] Oooh... oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers...
Monica: And processing!
Rachel: And he carries a briefcase...
Ross: 10 seconds or you'll lose the game.
Monica: Something to do with transponding...
Rachel: Oh oh... he's a trans... a transponster!
Monica: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!
Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard to get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: [Long Pause] So you go to Tokyo!
Ross: Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy, don't be a hero" mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story, but I gotta go. I got a date with Angela... Andrea... Oh, man!
Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.
Joey: Right, thanks. It's Julie. I'm outta here!
Monica: Do you realise that all of us have lived in this appartment at some point?
Ross: Uh, I haven't!
Monica: What about that summer you stayed with Grandma and you tried to make it as a dancer?
Ross: Do you know we almost made it ten years without that coming up?
Monica: Joey isn't even thinking Bout going after Rachel. All he is thinking about is how you are taking this. I mean it's completely freaking him out. He's talking about loving yo Vermont.
Ross: Why?
Monica: He says he wants to leave the country.
Joey: They're killing off one of the characters on the show - and when she dies, her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Dr. Ross Geller: What? A brain transplant? It's ridiculous!
Joey: I think it's ridiculous you haven't had sex in 3 1/2 months.
Dr. Ross Geller: ...It's winter; there are fewer people on the street.
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Cecelia Monroe; she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Monica: Noooooo!
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces - I mean, I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
Judy: [Judy is pressuring Ross to marry Rachel] This isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and... humped. A child should have a family.
Dr. Ross Geller: Mom, you know what? I can't deal with this right now. I'm sorry...
Judy: Just think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.
Rachel: You really think I didn't say "good-bye" because I don't care?
Dr. Ross Geller: That's what it seemed like.
Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know *one* thing about me!
Dr. Ross Geller: Fine! That why didn't you say something?
Rachel: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you! When I think about not seeing you everyday, it makes me not want to go! Okay? So if you think that, that I didn't say "good-bye" to you because you don't mean as much to me as everyone else, you're wrong. It's because you mean *more* to me. So there! All right? *There's* your good-bye!
Dr. Ross Geller: Rach!
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: You ca - ! You keep - ! You can't - !
Rachel: What?
[Ross kisses her]
Joey: If homo sapiens were in fact HOMO sapiens - is that why they're exctinct?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey, homo sapiens are people!
Joey: Hey, I'm not judging.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what I think?... She's weird. It's because she's a twin.
Rachel: Ross, she is not weird. She just likes her stuff to be one-of-a-kind.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what's not one-of-a-kind? A twin!
Ross: Damn it! This is all your fault! This was supposed to be like the greatest day of my life, you know. My son is being born and... I should be in there, you know. Instead I'm stuck in a closet with you.
Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.
Ross: No, believe me, no one has been waiting for this just as much as I have. Okay, and you know what the funny thing is? When this thing is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay. Where does that leave me?
Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. And who am I? There's Fathers Day, there's Mothers Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.
Ross: [exasperated] Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after filling up the cab's gas tank] You're welcome.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else?
Ross: Ok, Monica once got a pencil stuck in a certain part of her body. What body part was it?
[Chandler whispers the answer in Ross' ear]
Ross: EEWW NO. Her EAR.
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets, too.
Monica: I already told him everything! You shush!
Dr. Ross Geller: Once, Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she'd made.
Monica: Ross used to stay home *every* Saturday night to watch "Golden Girls"!
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica couldn't tell time until she was 13!
Monica: It's hard for some people!
Chandler: Of course it is!
Chandler: [mouths] Wow!
Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: I'm sorry; I couldn't think of any more for Ross.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh - oh, in college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you.
Dr. Ross Geller: Whatever, dude; you kissed a guy.
Ross: [Phoebe has climbed into a vent, with her legs hanging out; a janitor opens the broom closet door] Phoebs, it's open! It's open!
The: [Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent] Wait! You forgot your legs!
Phoebe: Where are the seats exactly?
Ross: Middle balcony.
Phoebe: Now would you say that that's more than fifty yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Than it's not breaking the law. I can go.
Rachel: [discussing names for the baby] I was thinking, if it's girl: Sandrine. It's French.
Dr. Ross Geller: Huh. That's a really pretty name, for an industrial solvent.
[Ross is given medicine for anger management]
Chandler: What did they give you?
Ross: I don't know, but I sure don't care about my sandwich anymore.
[Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes]
Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?
Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running.
Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996.
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen.
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, where is everyone?
Phoebe: Oh, its already closed. Chris gave me the keys to lock up. What is wrong?
Dr. Ross Geller: My marriage, I think my marriage is, um, kind of over.
Phoebe: Oh no! Why?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because Carol's a lesbian... and... and I'm not one.
Ross: [to Rachel] So, if you take this job you'll be moving to Paris?
Chandler: Or facing a bitch of a commute.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after becoming involved with Janice] Ok, look - I know what you guys are gonna say.
Phoebe: You two would have very hairy children.
Ross: [about Elizabeth's spring break] What if she goes down there and sleeps with a bunch of guys?
Chandler: Well, maybe you don't marry this one.
Rachel: [Rachel told Ross she had feelings for him right before he went off to buy a cat with his girlfriend. Ross enters suddenly, making Rachel jump] Oh! Hi.
Ross: I didn't get a cat.
Rachel: Oh, that's... interesting...
Ross: No it's not interesting. It's very very not interesting. It's actually 100% the opposite of interesting, it's...
Rachel: OK, I got it Ross.
Dr. Ross Geller: [as Chandler enters the coffee shop] Hey, Chandler. Saw the new furniture, very nice.
Monica: Yeah, Joey has the best boyfriend ever!
Chandler: I kissed Kathy.
Monica: Oh God, are you serious?
Phoebe: Oh my God, does Joey know?
Chandler: No. Is there any way, any way you think he will understand this?
Monica: You obviously haven't screwed over a lot of your friends.
[Sees Chandler's face]
Monica: Which we all appreciate.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know, the sad thing is if you had told him how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey he probably just would've stepped aside.
Chandler: Oh, don't say that. Don't say that. That's not true, is it?
[Group mutters in agreement]
Chandler: Well why didn't you tell me to do that!
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, I said something to Phoebe...
Phoebe: Yeah, no that's right and I thought it was a really good idea.
[Rest of group agrees]
Chandler: [Sitting down] Oh my God! What am I gonna do?
Rachel: Well, Chandler you're gonna have to tell him.
Chandler: Why? Why do I have to tell him?
Rachel: Because you do.
Chandler: Yeah, I know.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Leans towards Chandler] Would it be okay if I wrote a song about this?
Rachel: If it's a girl, Rain.
Dr. Ross Geller: Veto.
Rachel: Why?
Dr. Ross Geller: Rain? Hi, hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made of wheat.
Phoebe: I know her!
Rachel: We're never going to find a nanny.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, come on, Rach - we will; I promise. We have more interviews, and if worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the first one we met with.
Rachel: The blonde with no bra?
Dr. Ross Geller: She was blonde?
the Salesman: Hello sir, are you here to return those pants?
Ross: No, these are my pants.
the Salesman: Oh... okay!
[Ross accepts some food from Gunther]
Dr. Ross Geller: Thanks, Gunther.
[Ross kisses Rachel]
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, can I get a napkin, too?
Gunther: [looking daggers - nay, MACHETES at Ross] Oh, like you don't already have everything.
Rachel: [Talking about the list of celebrities] Well, I don't know, I guess Chris O'Donell, John F. Kennedy Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting and Parker Stevenson.
Dr. Ross Geller: Spider Man?
Rachel: Hardy Boy.
Chandler: Peter Parker.
Dr. Ross Geller: Thank you!
Rachel: [introducing her cat] Check it out.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, my God. What is it?
Joey: What the hell is that?
Rachel: It's a cat.
Joey: That is not a cat.
Rachel: Yes, it is!
Dr. Ross Geller: Why is it inside out?
Rachel: Excuse me, but this is a purebred, show-quality sphinx cat!
Joey: Hey, you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
Chandler: Only if you order stuff...
Joey: I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight!
Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening?
Ross: You take your time.
Joey: These Little Women... Wow!
Chandler: You're liking it, huh?
Joey: Oh yeah. Amy just burned Jo's manuscript. I don't see how he could ever forgive her.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm... Jo's a girl, is short for Josephine.
Joey: But Jo's got a crush on Laurie. Oh, you mean is like a girl-girl thing? 'Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining.
Chandler: N-no, actually, Laurie's a boy.
Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
Phoebe: Oh! What is that shiny thing?
Ross: [Quickly picks up Chandlers bracelet from the floor]
Chandler: It's a...
[goes to take it away from Ross but Ross pushes his hand away]
Chandler: ...Yeah it's a little flashy...
Ross: No no... no no... it's not flashy. Not for a Goodfella.
Phoebe: So, How are things going with Crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: You are hearing one side of the story. And FYI, she must have shown him over 30 paint samples and his response to each one was "I don't give a tiny rat's ass!"
Phoebe: Well, She should have spent less time decorating and more time in the bedroom.
Dr. Ross Geller: We'd be out and Carol would be like, "Ross, look at that beautiful woman," and I'd be like, "My wife is cool."
Phoebe: Do you think that-Susan-woman is her lover?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well now I do!
Chandler: [Ross walks in with a really dark tan] Hold on. There's something different about you.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?
Ross: It gets worse.
[holds up his top to reveal one half of his skin is still white]
Chandler: Oh my God! You can do a duet of 'Ebony & Ivory' all by yourself.
Monica: How could you mess this up? It's so easy. You go in the booth, you count to five, and you turn around!
Ross: How do you count to five?
Monica: [counts quickly] One, two, three...
Ross: Dammit!
[Goes to the door to leave. Rachel enters, sees him and starts laughing]
Ross: I know!
Rachel: [after seeing Ross's tan] What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?
Paul: [sternly] So, Ross - what's your problem?
Dr. Ross Geller: Excuse me?
Paul: Why can't you get a girlfriend your own age?
Dr. Ross Geller: [nervously] I don't know...
Paul: I don't like you going out with my daughter.
Dr. Ross Geller: OK, I can see that - but if you give me one chance, I can change your mind.
Paul: [reluctantly] ... OK.
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Paul: I'll give you one chance to change my mind.
Dr. Ross Geller: Really?
Paul: You have one minute.
Elizabeth: Daddy!
Paul: Fine; two minutes... go!
Dr. Ross Geller: [stuttering nervously]
Paul: [looks at his watch] A minute and fifty seconds...
Dr. Ross Geller: [nervously] OK, I've never done anything like this before; I mean, I've been in relationships in general, but I've never done it with a student... Not "it"! We haven't done "it"; we've done "stuff"... OK, a joke to lighten the mood: Two guys into a bar, one of them is Irish...
Paul: I'm Irish.
Dr. Ross Geller: [thinking quickly] And the Irish guy wins the joke!
Chandler: This game makes no sense!
Dr. Ross Geller: You're just upset because you're losing.
Chandler: Oh, come on, Ross; I think we're all losers here.
Emily: Ross, I'm having a great time. Your sister was just telling me that you used to dress up like little old ladies and host make-believe tea parties!
Ross: Did she tell you how she was partially responsible for legislation regulating the strength of swing sets?
Ross: All I can think about is what is she going to do, what is she going to say when I tell her what I did.
Chandler: Before we answer that, I think we should address the more important issue: how dumb are you?
Ross: [after reading Rachel's letter to him, blaming everything that went wrong in their relationship on him] It so does NOT!
Rachel: Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean, you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea. Why don't you have Paolo over to have a romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock knock jokes.
Rachel: Ross, look, what you and I have is special. All Paolo and I ever had was...
Dr. Ross Geller: Animal sex, animal sex... so what are you saying? I mean are you saying that like there's nothing between us "animal" at all? I mean, there's not even like a little "animal"? Not even like, like chipmunk sex?
Rachel: You know, I can't believe I even thought about getting back together with you! We are sooo over!
Ross: [fakes sobbing] Fine by me!
Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Sorry.
[to Ross]
Rachel: I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no-no-no, don't you worry about me falling asleep.
[shouts]
Ross: I still have your letter!
Phoebe: I've almost got it.
[loses the game]
Phoebe: No!
[Ben, a child enters the room]
Phoebe: Son of a bitch! Motherfucker!
Dr. Ross Geller: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, hi Ben.
[covering up the inappropriate names on the screen]
Phoebe: Oh no, don't look at the screen!
[In Ross's apartment]
Amy: Could I take this call upstairs?
Ross: Sure... but we don't live there.
Amy: [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor.
Rachel: He has a Phd.
Amy: Ewww...
Dr. Ross Geller: Look, I know my marriages didn't exactly work out, but you know, I loved being that committed to another person and Carol and I had some good times before she became a lesbian, and once afterward.
Rachel: Thank you for my beautiful earrings. They're perfect. I love you.
Dr. Ross Geller: Now, you can exchange them if you want, ok?
Rachel: Now I love you even more.
Chandler: Hey, Joey. Playboy published my joke.
Ross: No, it's MY joke.
Chandler: No, it's mine.
Ross: No, it was MY joke.
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. You guys. You know they put pictures of naked chicks in there, right?
[In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room]
Rachel: [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial.
[There is a knock at the door]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers.
Jack: Well, I don't know what's in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play "un-cooked batter eater."
Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a lightbulb to cook brownies!
Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
Joey: Uh, how about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
Ross: Okay. Hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
Monica: Why? Why would anybody do something like that?
Ross: We're looking for an answer more sophisticated than: "To get you into bed."
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
Monica: So what's Phoebe like?
Phoebe: [thinks Monica is talking about her and tries to sound polite] I'm kind, caring and sweet. What's Monica like?
[Monica realises how unclear her question was]
Monica: Uh no. The *other* Phoebe. The one you went to go see?
Phoebe: [suddenly cheerful] Oh! I think she knows where my Dad is!
Joey: What?
Chandler: [almost at the same time as Joey] Cool!
Rachel: [almost at the same time as Ross and Chandler] Really?
Monica: Well where is he?
Phoebe: She was actually - she was pretending like she hadn't heard from him in years, but I found this picture on her fridge, and look! Isn't this what he would look like now?
[Phoebe takes a picture out of her pocket and shows it to her friends]
Monica: [gasps] Totally familiar.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller,8061: [one after the other as they look at they look at the picture] Oh yeah!
Monica: But why would she lie to you?
Phoebe: [Rachel offers her the picture and Phoebe takes it] I don't know, but we're having dinner tomorrow night so I figured, she's gonna tell me *then*. You know, maybe she'll want to give him time to... buy me presents.
[the friends agree and Phoebe puts the picture in her pocket]
Phoebe: [happily] So, you're all bored?
Dr. Ross Geller,8061: [almost in unison] Awww.
Chandler: Yes.
Phoebe: [happily] All right. I'm gonna close my eyes and point to someone and whoever I point to has to come up with something fun for us to do and we *have* to do it!
Joey: [hyped up] OK! All right! Fan out! Fan out!
[the friends spread out]
Phoebe: [happily] OK.
[Phoebe closes her eyes and spins round pointing with her right hand]
Phoebe: [enjoying herself] Ooh! You know, we could just do this!
[Phoebe stops spinning and opens her eyes and sees that she's point at Chandler]
Chandler: [unsure] OK. Um... we all have to... play Strip Poker.
Joey: [overjoyed] AH YES!
Dr. Ross Geller: [he and Joey are trapped on the roof; yelling and waving his arms to no one in particular on the street below] HELP US! PLEASE HELP US! WE'RE STUCK UP ON THE ROOF, AND WE CAN'T GET DOOOWWWN!
Joey: [calmly] Ross... I was thinking we just go down the fire escape.
[gestures to the fire escape, then gestures climbing down]
Dr. Ross Geller: [also calmly] I know, I wasn't finished.
[Joey gives a look as if to say "aw, gotcha"; Ross turns back to the street below and continues waving and pointing to the fire escape]
Dr. Ross Geller: BUT DON'T WORRY!
[rhythmically]
Dr. Ross Geller: WE'RE GONNA GO DOWN THE FIRE ESCAPE!
Rachel: Come on, she's a person. You can do it!
Chandler: Oh, please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.
Dr. Ross Geller: He can never get a woman like that in a million years.
Chandler: Thank you, buddy.
Phoebe: Oh, oh, but you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys. You could be one of those guys.
Rachel: You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Amy: Oh yeah, well you didn't come to see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.
Rachel: I did the first time! And you want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you?
Ross: Emma
Rachel: Who's side are you on?
Rachel: [Rachel & Ross are making out, & Rachel feels a wet spot] Oh! Oh, honey, that's OK!
Ross: Oh... you just rolled over the juice box!
Rachel: Oh, thank God!
[kisses him again]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: Well, I like it.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: I mean, what's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!
Joey: [Joey thinks Phoebe has been acting in porno videos] A guy in the coffee shop told me he was a fan of Phoebe's. I thought he was talking about her singing, but he claims she's a porn star. So I went to the adult video store, and picked this up.
Ross: [taking the video] Let me see that. "Buffay the Vampire Layer", starring Phoebe Buffay. Alright - let's check it out!
Joey: Guys, Phoebe is our friend. I refuse to watch this!
[Joey goes over and sits at the table with his back to the TV]
Ross: Wow! I didn't know Pheebs had that particular talent.
Rachel: Wait a minute - Phoebe doesn't have a tattoo on her ankle! My God, that's Ursula!
Joey: [jumping up and turning around] Ursula? Alright! Run it back! Run it back!
Ross: Boy, Phoebe is going to be pissed. Why is Ursula using Phoebe's name?
Phoebe: [coming in the apartment] Hi, everybody - what are you...
Phoebe: [screams and points at the TV] Ahhhhhhh! What am I doing?
Chandler: What the hell was that?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, Phoebe just started her...
Chandler: I believe I was talking to Joey. All right there, mother-kisser?
Phoebe: Ugh. I just had the worst anniversary dinner ever!
Chandler: Really? Tell her about us, last year.
Monica: I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a Rap song.
Ross: Really?
Chandler: Word.
Rachel: Ross! Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see!
Ross: He won't he won't. Because, isn't that, the short story, you were writing?
Chandler: Yes, yes it is, the short story... that I was writing.
Rachel: Well, let me read it!
Ross,8065: NO.
Rachel: Come ON!
Joey: Hey, uh, why don't you read it... to her?
Chandler: All right! Uh... It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned. And then, the kingdom was his forever THE END.
Ross: That's it that's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!
Dr. Ross Geller: [comes in Monica and Rachel's apartment, while he holds Ben] Okay, what the hell happened back there?
Rachel: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.
Dr. Ross Geller: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.
Rachel: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks!
[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great.
Rachel: [to the judge] Do you see? Do you see what you're keeping me married to?
Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.
Rachel: All right, look lady, here is the deal: I came here for an annulment, and I am not leaving here until I get one!
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah!
Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
Rachel: Thank you for your time.
[Rachel and Ross leave hurriedly]
Ross: Don't you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard abs?
Chandler: No. I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.
Monica: Well, there was that rumor about you making out with Miss Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
Ross: [to Rachel] How did you know that?
Monica: What? So it's true?
Ross: [to Monica] No.
Rachel: Oh, yeah it is. I saw you going at behind the card cataloge.
Ross: Hey, what were you doing in the library?
Rachel: They had magazines!
Joey: We're gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations, and you'll be scored on the scale one to ten, one being the highest.
Ross: No, ten is the highest.
Joey: Why is ten the highest?
Ross: Because it *is* the highest.
Ross: I hate to lecture you guys but it's kind of disgraceful that a group of well-educated adults, and Joey, can't name all the states. You ever see a map, or one of those round colorful things called 'a globe'?
Chandler: Magellan? You got 46 states.
Ross: If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. I'm FINE!
Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the copy place.
Gunther: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to?
[Ross is at college reunion and talking to a girl that both he and Chandler used to have a crush on]
Ross: He and I both really liked you a lot, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship - so we kinda made a pact that neither of us could ask you out.
Missy: Really?
Ross: Yeah - why?
Missy: Well, Chandler and I used to make out. A lot!
Ross: You did?
Missy: Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours...
Ross: And on my turf?
Dr. Ross Geller: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liqueur?
Carol: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said Yeman.
Dr. Ross Geller: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like...
Carol: Great. That would be fine.
Dr. Ross Geller: Really? I had a whole speech prepared.
Susan: [sarcastically] Oh, shoot, that would've been fun.
Ross: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo."
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. This year I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: So, do you want us to leave the room?
Rachel: Wait a minute - you let Ross drive the Porsche, and when I ask, you say you're the only one who's allowed to drive it.
Monica: Yeah - well, he's my brother; and plus, he drives so slow, he could never hurt it.
Dr. Ross Geller: It's a car, not a rocket ship.
Monica: Whatever. Ross, just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you're done.
Joey: Hey hey hey, how did it go with you guys last night? She seemed pretty pissed at you.
Dr. Ross Geller: We uh, you know, we worked things out.
Phoebe: What's that smile? Did something happen with you two?
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but I'm also not one to have sex and shut up. We totally did it!
Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler: That's nice.
Joey: Nice.
Ross: No no, WITH him. I'm on this field and they hike me the baby. I know I've got to do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay has got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us and so I... I just heave it downfield.
Chandler: What are you crazy, that's a baby!
Joey: He should take the sack?
Ross: [about calling Rachel] We just had a fight... Shouldn't I wait?
Chandler: This isn't like swimming. Pick up a phone!
Chandler: [to Joey] You know, that whole waiting before you swim after you eaten thing is a myth?
Joey: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Murray.
Chandler: Why? What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing He just *really* believes that.
Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our game.
Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! That's a typical guy response.
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Monica,8061: No...
Rachel: But you could teach us!
Ross,8065: No...
Monica: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm, Joey... OMNI-potent.
Joey: You are? I'm so sorry.
Cheryl: Guess who?
Ross: Uh... Department of Sanitation?
Rachel: [to the nurse] Excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.
Dr. Ross Geller: And I'm Dr. Ross Geller.
[Rachel turns to face Ross]
Rachel: Ross, please. This is a hospital, OK? That actually mean something here.
Ross: [Ross, Susan and Phoebe are stuck in a broom closet; Ross pounds on the door] Help! Help!
Phoebe: [singing] They found their bodies the very next day. They found their bodies the very next day.
Ross,3201: [louder] Help! Help!
[debating whether to see Ross and Rachel's videotape]
Ross: You want to see it?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see?
Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys. Ross did!
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing. Monica did!
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds!
Dr. Ross Geller: Wally Cox! That's the voice of Underdog.
Ross: We don't need to get divorced. We're just going to get an annulment.
Joey: An annulment? Ross, I don't think surgery is the answer here.
Dr. Ross Geller: This is our wedding day! From now on, everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word, no grandchildren!
Monica: OKAY. Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Ross: Well are you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy.
Dr. Ross Geller: [depressed] I don't want Rachel to hate me. I don't know what to do.
Joey: You want my advice?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yes, please!
Joey: You're not gonna like it.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's OK.
Joey: You got married too fast.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's not advice!
Joey: I told you.
[Rachel is outside with Joey, leaving Ross the last one to say "good-bye" to]
Monica: [to Ross] So, I guess you're next. You ready?
Dr. Ross Geller: I don't think so.
Chandler: Oh, you're definitely not. I haven't cried like that in years.
Monica: You cried yesterday at the six-o'clock news.
Chandler: That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic!
Rachel: This is a movie stub from our first date. This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed. This is from the museum, the first time we... were together. OK, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter.
Ross: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. Though, you're not supposed to take these.
[points to the bone]
Ross: It's like a million years old. We actually have people looking for that.
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: [getting annoyed] I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.
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