500 Best Joey Tribbiani Quotes
Monica: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
Joey: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.
[first lines]
Dr. Ross Geller: Chandler! Chandler!
[Ross opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed]
Dr. Ross Geller: Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!
Chandler: [to Monica] Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then!
[Chandler kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window]
Monica: [to Chandler] What are you doing?
Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.
Monica: [stopping him] Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross.
[They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain but Monica pushes his hand back]
Monica: [to Ross] Hold on!
[She opens the door]
Monica: Hey Ross. What's up bro?
[Upon entering, Ross makes a beeline for Chandler, who runs and hides behind Monica]
Dr. Ross Geller: What the hell are you doing?
[Rachel and Joey come over from his apartment]
Rachel: Hey, what's-what's going on?
Chandler: Well, I think, I *think* Ross knows about me and Monica.
Joey: [concerned] Dude! He's right there!
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Chandler] I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!
Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.
Monica: [taking Ross's hand] I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too.
[Long pause]
Dr. Ross Geller: [happily] My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this.
[He hugs them both]
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Joey and Rachel] You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!
Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while.
[There's another pause as Ross gets angry again, much to the concern of Monica and Chandler]
Dr. Ross Geller: What? What? What? You guys knew?
[Joey and Rachel backup against the door frame]
Dr. Ross Geller: You *all* knew and you didn't tell me?
Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. Okay, we didn't know how you were going to react.
[pause]
Dr. Ross Geller: [happily again] You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react?
[He hugs Joey and Rachel]
Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business?
[Ross turns and glares at him]
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here,
[pointing to Chandler]
Joey: He-he's the one doing your sister.
- I don't wanna do that.
Joey: No.
- You don't want to wreck it.
- Don't go too fast.
- No. You're right.
- I know, you're right.
- I'm not going to do it.
- Thanks guys.
- No problem.
- Just remember to wake us up before you go-go.
Joey: [chasing after Ben, who has been left on the bus] Ben! Ben!
Chandler: Oh great. Maybe he'll hear you and pull a cord!
Rachel: [Rachel enters] I just dropped Emma off at my mother's.
Joey: You're not taking her with you?
Rachel: [Referring to Ross] No, we decided I'd go first and set everything up and my mom would bring Emma on Sunday.
Phoebe: Wow eight hour flight a one year old? Good luck, mom.
Rachel: Are you kidding? Eight hour flight with my mom talking about Atkins? Good luck, Emma.
Joey: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it. I advised a fellow actor to play a role... homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part and, uh, as it turned out, they... They liked the stupid gay thing and cast him! And now he's got a two-year contract opposite Susan Lucci, the First Lady of daytime television. And me? Me, I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV!
Joey: Hey, finished my recommendation.
[He hands it over to Chandler]
Joey: Here. And I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.
Chandler: [reading] I don't... uh... understand.
Joey: Some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya?
Monica: It doesn't make any sense.
Joey: Of course it does! It's smart! I used the the-saurus!
Chandler: On *every* word?
Joey: Yep!
Monica: Alright, what was this sentence originally?
Joey: Oh, 'They are warm, nice, people with big hearts'.
Chandler: And that became 'they are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps?
Joey: Yeah, yeah and hey, I really mean it, dude.
Monica: Hey Joey, I don't think we can use this.
Joey: Why not?
Monica: Well, because you signed it baby kangaroo Tribbiani.
[Joey makes an 'and-what's-wrong-with-that' look]
Monica: Hey, why don't you stop worrying about sounding smart and just be yourself!
Chandler: You know what? You don't need a thesaurus, just write from here,
[points at his own heart]
Chandler: your full sized aortic pump.
Monica: I'm so glad you got to see the babies
Rachel: I'm just sorry I won't be around to see you guys try to handle this I love you all so much
Rachel: [to Ross] I just want you to know last night I'll never forget it
Dr. Ross Geller: [They hug and Rachel leaves] Neither will I
Phoebe: [to Ross] You just let her go?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah
Joey: Maybe that's for the best
Ross: Rachel's pregnant.
Phoebe,8064: [feigning surprise] Oh, my goodness! What?
Ross: With my child!
Phoebe: [as Joey gasps] That is brand new information!
Ross: [Ross is hungover] I do still have a girlfriend, don't I? She didn't... see the dance?
Joey: No. That was just for me.
Rachel: I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Joey: Why would you want to do that?
Rachel: So that there would be a decent place for me to sit.
Joey: Rach, there is a decent place...
Rachel: In your lap does not count.
Joey: [about Amy] She's the hottest girl I've ever hated.
Joey: My audition is tomorrow. Che ble blah. Me la pee! Oublah! Poo.
Joey: Ok, for next time, what do you say?
Rachel: I have an extra ticket, an extra ticket, not two tickets. I have an extra ticket.
Dr. Ross Geller: So the first time you asked a guy out he turned you down?
Rachel: He didn't turn me down. He's at the game isn't he? I got the date, I'm just not on it.
Joey: Oh I hate her with her, 'Oh I'm so talented, and ooh I'm so pretty and oooh I smell so good.'
Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Joey: Chandler, can we please try to stay focused on my problem here.
[watching Joey's small role in a porno movie]
Joey: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am...
[last lines]
Joey: So - Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married; do you think you and I should hook up?
Phoebe: Oh, we do - but not just yet.
Joey: Really? Well, when?
Phoebe: Okay, umm... well, first Chandler and Monica will get married - and be filthy rich, by the way. Yeah. But it won't work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe: I know. Then, I'm gonna marry Chandler - for the money - and you'll marry Rachel, and have the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great!
Phoebe: But then we ditch those two, and that's when we get married. We'll have Chandler's money, and Rachel's kids - and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem.
Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe: I don't want to go into the whole thing, but, umm... we have words, and I kill him.
Phoebe: Alright, here's my $7.50, but I think you should know that this money is cursed.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So bad things will happen to he who spends it.
Chandler: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway.
Rachel: Joey.
Joey: Is he gone?
Rachel: How are you doing this?
Mr. Treeger: [shouting from the bathroom] Oh, man!
Joey: [coming out of his room] What is that?
Chandler: Treeger's snaking the shower drain.
Mr. Treeger: [shouting from the bathroom] What in the name of hell...?
Joey: Hey, maybe he found your flip-flop.
Jessica: [while Joey is reading her character's death in the script] How does it happen?
Joey: You get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Jessica: Jessica hates horses!
Joey: After this, I'm guessing she won't be too wild about electricity, either.
Joey: You gotta be cool, because my grandma doesn't know about you two. You do not wanna tick her off. She was, like, the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body.
Dr. Ross Geller: I just can't see Chandler cheating.
Rachel: I'm telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester. They went in for like 45 minutes and they came out looking pretty happy.
Joey: Chandler? 45 minutes?
[Joey and Ross looking at Chandler in a bathroom stall]
Chandler: Joey, I'll give you $50.00 for your underpants.
Joey: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any underwear.
Chandler: You're not wearing any underwear?
Joey: Oh, I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
Joey: So how did it go with Julie? Did you break her heart?
Ross: Yes. It was horrible, she cried, I cried, she threw things, they hit me.
Joey: [On Ross in the video] Lookin' good, Mr. Kotter.
[Joey comes out from his room wearing ridiculous clothes. He has to look nineteen for an audition]
Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude?
Chandler: [putting his hands up] Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack. 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what?
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen.
Joey: Hey, can you close that window, Chandler? My nipples could cut glass over here!
Phoebe: Wait, really? 'Cause mine get me outta tickets!
Rachel: Ross! Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see!
Ross: He won't he won't. Because, isn't that, the short story, you were writing?
Chandler: Yes, yes it is, the short story... that I was writing.
Rachel: Well, let me read it!
Ross,8065: NO.
Rachel: Come ON!
Joey: Hey, uh, why don't you read it... to her?
Chandler: All right! Uh... It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned. And then, the kingdom was his forever THE END.
Ross: That's it that's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!
Joey: None of you get to live in my great big hand-shaped mansion. Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb.
Ross: [looking at Rachel's resume] Rach, did you proof read these?
Rachel: Uh, yeah. Why?
Ross: Uh, nothing. I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent "compuper skills".
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Ah, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
[Rachel is furious with a noise across the hall and asks what's happening]
Joey: It's the chick. She's going through some changes.
Monica: What kind of changes?
Chandler: The vet seems to think she's becoming a rooster.
[Rooster crows]
Chandler: We're getting second opinion.
Joey: Hey why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?
Chandler: Because soap is soap. It's self cleaning.
Joey: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing that I wash and the first thing you wash.
Joey: I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.
The: Name?
Joey: Chandler Bing.
Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?
Dina: [to Rachel] Thanks so much for meeting with me. Joey's told me so much about you.
Joey: This is so exciting for her. Well, I'll let you two fash... ists get down to business.
Rachel: You guys, it was bananas, cream and beef. I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn't feel bad.
Monica: Actually, I didn't eat mine. It's still in the bathroom.
Joey: No, it isn't. I ate that.
Judy: Oh, we left ours in Monica's bedroom.
Joey: Nope, got it, and got yours, too!
Joey: [talking privately with a thick Italian accent] Last night I try to welcome you into my family; instead, you disrespect me. I cannot allow this.
Mike: Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?
Joey: [scowls] More back talk; and yes - I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for "Family Honor 2: This Time It's Personal".
Mike: Joe, I have a lot to do today; what'd you want?
Joey: [exclaims] I want you to take this seriously! Phoebe is very, very important to me, Ok? And I want to make sure you are gonna take care of her.
Mike: [stands] Joe, I love Phoebe - she's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
Joey: [smiles and pats on Mike's shoulder] That's what I wanted to hear - because she's family, OK? And now you're going to be family, and there's nothing in the whole world than family.
Mike: That must've been one lousy movie.
Joey: [offended] That was me!
Ross: I just got back from the vet.
Chandler: He's not going to make you wear a cone, is he?
Ross: Apparently, Marcel's humping is not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey: [to Chandler] Hey, he beat ya!
Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go.
Chandler: You got your passport?
Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that.
[when Joey asks why Chandler's friend is called Gandalf]
Chandler: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No. I had sex in high school.
Dr. Ross Geller: Janice and I have a lot in common! We - we've both been divorced; we both have kids.
Phoebe: So you're actually gonna see her again?
Joey: Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head!
Dr. Ross Geller: I *am* gonna see her again.
Joey: Dammit, Phoebe!
Joey: If homo sapiens were in fact HOMO sapiens - is that why they're exctinct?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey, homo sapiens are people!
Joey: Hey, I'm not judging.
[Joey is hanging onto a ladder under a balcony on the Fire Escape]
Dr. Ross Geller: OK. You have a good grip?
Joey: [calmly] Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: OK. I'm gonna start to climb down you now.
Joey: [getting impatient] Right. Just hurry up!
Dr. Ross Geller: Now should I climb down your front so we're face to face or should I climb down your back so we're... butt to face?
[short pause]
Joey: [in agreement] Face to face.
Dr. Ross Geller,8064: [almost in unison] Face to face.
Janine: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.
[kisses Joey]
Joey: [mumbles] Oomchimawa.
Joey: [the gang is locked out of Monica's apartment] Wait, wait! We have a copy of your key!
Monica: [shrieking] WELL, THEN GET IT! GET IT!
Joey: Hey, hey - that tone won't make me go any faster.
Monica: [warningly, in a growl] Joey...
Joey: That one will!
Tim: I have to confess something.
Tomas: What is it man?
Tim: It's me, I've been sleeping with your wife.
Joey: So you're the gynecologist?
Tim: Hey I'm trying to have a private conversation here!
Tomas: [Breaks down] Oh no, man, oh no!
[Rachel hands him the napkin dispenser and he scrabbles with it]
Tomas: Just... just give me the thing, okay?
[storms out]
Tomas: And you! You are no longer my friend! We're through! Kaput!
Rachel: OK, Joey, we're luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham?
Joey: Uh, wow - you just said a bunch of stuff I didn't know there.
Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this!
Joey: Oh, y'know, when we did, that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel: [furious] No! Alright? I did *not* see the bird! I did *not* see the fish! I did *not* see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did *not*, because I was trying to teach you *how* to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!
Joey: Alright, that's it! You're yelling, and I don't see you taking your top off! I quit!
Rachel: What do you mean you quit? You can't quit!
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Because you're not finished yet, and I won't have it! Greens do not quit!
Joey: Greens? I'm a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!
Chandler: Wow, that sandwich smells good.
Joey: Did I say you could smell it?
Chandler: I can't smell it?
Joey: Half the taste is in the smell. You're sucking up all the taste units.
Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back.
Joey: [talking about Mr Treeger] The Guy made Rachel cry.
Monica: Rachel always cries.
Rachel: [crying] That is not true.
Joey: Anybody got a coat hanger?
Chandler: Oh, I do!
[sarcasm]
Chandler: Wait, no, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.
Monica: So if your parents hadn't gotten divorced, you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person?
Chandler: [they have to share the bed, and Joey's restless] Hey, Kicky! What are you doing?
Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I'm not used to sleeping in my underwear.
Chandler: Well, you gotta.
Joey: [During the recessional after Ross said "Rachel."] Well, that went well. Yeah.
Chandler: It could've been worse. He could've shot her.
Chandler: Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.
Joey: I will not take this abuse.
[Walks to the door and opens it to leave]
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry.
[Burst into song and dances out of the door]
Chandler: Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy!
- Monogamy can be a tricky concept.
- I mean, anthropologically...
- Fine. Now you'll never know.
- We're kidding. Tell us.
Monica: We wanna know.
Joey: Come on!
- All right. There's a theory put forth by Richard leakey...
Joey: Ok, Phoebe. This is for the kids, later on. You got something you want to say?
Phoebe: Hi, kids. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me.
Chandler: I was really confused and I talked to these guys
Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey: She's right you know
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but still cheap shot!
Joey: [Phoebe and Rachel are trying to convince Joey to pursue a relationship with a Erin] I'm sorry you guys, but I just don't thinks so.
Joey: [girls grudgingly give in] Hey don't start judging me.
[to Rachel]
Joey: You're the one who's in love with her assistant.
[to Phoebe]
Joey: And you, you're the one who's having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof.
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: SECRET affair!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Referring to Rachel in the coffee shop] And then she said "it was the "perfect way to say goodbye"
Joey: What'd you say?
Dr. Ross Geller: Nothing what'd you say to that
Phoebe: You've got to tell her how you feel
Dr. Ross Geller: No way
Joey: You can't just give up, is that what a dinosaur would do?
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Joey: Dude I'm just trying to speak your language
Phoebe: She doesn't know you want to get back together if she did she might differently she might not even go
[last lines]
Mona: It's Joey, right?
Joey: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: Wait a minute! No! I'm the nice one! I'm the one who danced with the kids all night! I...
Dr. Ross Geller: [looks down at Joey's shoes] How small are your feet?
Joey: [officiating Phoebe and Mike's wedding] Friends, family - dog - thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place, so I'm gonna do the short version of this.
Joey: You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail?
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler: You're building a post office?
Chandler: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go over there, and I'm gonna kick his ass! Will you help me?
Joey: Look, Chandler - I don't think us getting our asses kicked is the solution.
Joey: Maybe we can lure them out somehow. Do you know any bird calls?
Chandler: Oh, tons. I'm quite the woodsman.
Chandler: I'll just turn your bedroom into a game room or something. You know, put the foosball table in there.
Joey: Whoa. Why do you get to keep the table?
Chandler: I did pay for half of it.
Joey: Yeah, and I paid for the other half.
Chandler: All right, I'll tell you what: I'll play you for it.
Joey: All right, you're on. I could take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass!
Chandler: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister!
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister?
- Listen, do you wanna go get a drink or something?
- Yeah, that would be...
- What's wrong?
- I just remembered I have to do something.
- Oh. What?
- Leave.
Joey: Whoa. Wait, wait, wait.
[Ross is refusing to have another nap with Joey]
Joey: OK - well, you want a drink?
Ross: Sure; what d'you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin PM...?
Joey: I dont care how old you are as long as you're under my roof you only live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.
Joey: [barging in the door] Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. The whole time!
[Ross and Rachel come in]
Joey: I've been here the whole time!
Ross: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs.
Chandler: [about the entertainment center being too large] Ah, good job Joe.
Joey: Wow. It's big.
Chandler: Yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller.
Joey: Maybe my ruler's wrong.
Phoebe: Maybe *all* the rulers are wrong.
Joey: Hey hey hey, how did it go with you guys last night? She seemed pretty pissed at you.
Dr. Ross Geller: We uh, you know, we worked things out.
Phoebe: What's that smile? Did something happen with you two?
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but I'm also not one to have sex and shut up. We totally did it!
Phoebe: Okay, Joey, your bet.
Joey: [Throws Down His Cards]
Joey: I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face.
Joey: [Looks round the group, seeing stunned faces]
Joey: Oh, I'm out
Joey: You're mean on the boat.
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean.
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat, she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me - I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea.
Joey: If you want a strong name you should name him "The Hulk".
Phoebe: I don't know about "Hulk", but I like the idea of a name starting with "The"!
Kate: So, what're we gonna do about this scene, huh?
Joey: I don't know.
Kate: Maybe if it had more heat.
Joey: How do you mean?
Kate: Well, Adrienne's looking for a reason to stay. Victor can't just kiss her, he's gotta really give her a reason to stay.
Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
Kate: Or maybe he could grab her and lift her up.
Kate: And then maybe Adrienne could wrap her legs around his waist.
Kate: And she would rip off his shirt and kiss his chest and his stomach!
Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!
Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal...
[cut to Joey's bedroom, they both emerge from the covers]
Joey: Something like that?
Kate: Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.
Joey: [watching Carol nursing Ben] If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger?
Joey: My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives.
Phoebe: We have to celebrate. You know what we should do, we should do like a soap opera theme.
Chandler: Hey yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.
[in the beach house, Ross is relaxing, Joey and Chandler are building sandcastles and Rachel and Monica are painting each others' nails]
Joey: Hey! You know what a really good rainy day game is?
Monica: What?
Joey: I mean naked game?
[Monica looks away from Joey but no one says anything]
Joey: [eager] Strip Poker! We should totally play Strip Poker!
Dr. Ross Geller: No!
Rachel: [at the same time as Ross] No way!
Monica: [at the same time as Rachel] What are you crazy?
Joey: [insisting] Come on! When you go away, you *have* to play. It's like, the law!
Joey: [Chick Jr and Duck Jr are trapped in the Foosball table] Does that mean we're gonna have to bust it open?
Chandler: I don't know. Maybe.
Joey: Oh my God!
Chandler: I know, it's the Foosball table.
Joey: All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like what I'd have said in that Sci-Fi movie if I'd gotten the part: "Those are our men in there, and we have to get 'em out. Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life... my time machine."
Chandler: [Chandler is helping Joey to come up with a new, more professional stage name] Joe... Joe... Joe... Stalin?
Joey: Stalin... Do I know that name? That sounds familiar.
Chandler: Well, it doesn't ring a bell with me...
Joey: Joe Stalin... you know, that's pretty good.
Chandler: You might want to try Joseph.
Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!
Chandler: Oh yes! "Bye Bye Birdie" starring Joseph Stalin! Joseph Stalin is "Fiddler on the Roof"!
Joey: [Later] You know, there already IS a Joseph Stalin?
Chandler: You're kidding!
Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people! You'd think *you* would have known that!
Chandler: You know, you'd think I would have.
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.
[the gang is ready to travel to the beach. Rachel arrives, wearing a ridiculously big hat]
Joey: [chuckles] Hey-hey, check out the hat!
Chandler: Wait a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can't have children!
Monica: Seriously, where did you get the hat?
Rachel: [points at Ross] Ross gave it to me.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, I think she looks good.
Rachel: [smiles at Ross] Ohh, thank you.
Chandler: Buy it for you, or win it for you?
Rachel: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back.
Phoebe: And this time, they've ganged up to form one giant, super hat!
Joey: I'm all about the honesty stuff, yeah. But not the stuff that's gonna get you into trouble.
Joey: [shopping for a new table] Will you pick one? Just pick one. Here! How about that one?
Chandler: That's patio furniture.
Joey: So what? Like people are gonna come in and think "Oh, oh, I'm outside again!"
[Ross' Halloween costume]
Ross: You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas.
[Everyone glares at him like he's crazy]
Ross: Sputnik? SPUD-nik
[Joey enters]
Joey: Hey. Ross came as Doody.
Joey: In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind. And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento... a role model.
the Interviewer: A Mento?
Joey: Right.
the Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: Matter of fact, I do.
- Come on, punch him.
- No. No. I'm not gonna punch Chandler.
- I'll do it.
Joey: No, you won't.
- Look, he knows he did a terrible thing, and I believe him.
- He's sorry.
- But you got one more apology to make.
- All right?
- You gotta apologize to Mary Angela.
- Okay. Absolutely. You got it.
- All right.
Joey: [Teaching Ross the "Europe story" to help him end his "dry spell"] Years ago when I was backpacking through western Europe I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo, I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing, there was a very secluded lake and there were tall trees all around, it was dead silent and across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself but she was crying...
Chandler: I'm gonna be moving out, so you are gonna be in charge of paying the rent.
Joey: Right! And when's that due?
Chandler: First of the month.
Joey: And that's every month?
Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.
Rachel: Hey, Joe, would you mind going over into Chandler's bedroom and get me that book back that he borrowed from me?
Joey: [Suspicious] Now? You want me to go over there now? I don't...
[Rachel approaches him suspicious too]
Joey: Do you know something?
Rachel: Do you know something?
Joey: I might know something.
Rachel: I might know something too.
Joey: What's the thing you know?
Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.
Joey: I can't tell you what I know.
Rachel: Well, then I can't tell you what I know.
Joey: Ok, fine.
[They stare each other in silence]
Joey: You don't know!
Rachel: Alright, how about I go over there, and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see if the thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know!
Monica: So how was Joan?
Chandler: Broke up with her.
Ross: Oh, why? Don't tell me. Because of the big nostril thing?
Chandler: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Rachel: Come on, they were not that huge.
Chandler: I'm telling you, she leaned back, I could see her brain!
Monica: How many women will you reject over the most superficial, insignificant things?
Joey: Hold it. Hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out with this girl. Really hot. Great kisser but she had the biggest Adam's apple. Drove me nuts.
Chandler: [to Ross] You or me?
Ross: I got it... Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey: She kisses better than my mom cooks!
Monica: I am so glad you said "cooks".
[last lines]
Joey: [meets up with the friends at Central Perk] Hey guys, so I just called the Powerball hotline. Can you believe it? *Nobody* won.
Phoebe: Um, I beg to differ.
[Phoebe holds up a plate with two muffins]
Gunther: [passes by] Maybe nobody won the *jackpot*, but there was this guy in here earlier, and he found a ticket on the street, right outside and won $10,000.
[Gunther walks off, Monica sighs in disbelief and she, Chandler, Joey and Ross look at Phoebe]
Phoebe: [hides her mouth with her mug and speaks in a soft voice] Coo. OK. Don't blame the pretty lady. It's not her fault. It was me, the pigeon. Coo.
[Phoebe lowers her mug, sees that Monica, Chandler, Joey and Ross are still looking at her and hides her mouth again with her mug]
Phoebe: [soft voice] Seriously, stop staring at her.
[Joey looks around for the pigeon and Phoebe continues sipping her drink]
Phoebe: Oh, my God! He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy is having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.
Joey: [the gang rushes to the window] All right, Ugly Naked Guy!
Monica: Ooh, ugly naked dancing!
Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone.
- Okay, look, if I have to pretend
- I don't know about you two...
- Then you two are gonna have to pretend there's nothing to know about.
- Both: Okay, sorry.
Joey: I can hear that.
- Rachel's at work.
Joey: I can still hear you.
Phoebe: They don't know that we know they know we know. And Joey, you can't say anything.
Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to.
[Joey arrives wearing 'boring' clothes]
Monica: [annoyed] You didn't dress up *either*?
Joey: [calmly presents himself] Yes I did. I'm Chandler!
[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!
Joey: I would have told you but they made me promise not to tell. But hey, its over now, right? 'Cause you can tell them you know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing.
Monica: Unless
Joey: No! Not unless! This must end now!
[repeated line]
Joey: You fogged Danny.
[Monica dates Pete, a millionaire]
Joey: [to Pete] So, how much cash is in your pocket *right now*?
Monica: [to Pete] And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink.
Ross: You're sleeping with my sister?
Joey: [Covering for Chandler] It was only for one night. It was when we were in London.
Ross: This is not good for my rage.
Joey: [entering Central Perk, followed by Chandler] 95, 96, 97. See? I told you - less than a hundred steps from our place to here.
Chandler: You got *way* too much free time.
Joey: [Chandler is showing the shoes he has to come up with an ad for] Wow! Its like they're on fire!
[Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time]
Mona: Wow. They must both be very strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.
Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.
Joey: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time
Ross: Sir Limps-A-Lot. I came up with that.
[grins]
Ross: [pause]
Joey: You're a dork.
Joey: Look, I have somewhere I need to be, so if we can shoot the scene fast, that'd be great. But, I don't need to tell you, you're a professional.
Richard: ...I'm wearing two belts.
Joey: Are you drunk?
Richard: No!
Joey: Yes, you are!
Richard: Well, all right.
Rachel: [painting Monica's fingernails] All done!
Monica: Thank you.
Rachel: [looks around the room] OK! Who's next?
[Rachel eyes Ross]
Dr. Ross Geller: [trying not to laugh but definite] No!
[Rachel shows big eyes as if to say, "Please?"]
Dr. Ross Geller: [trying not laugh] No way!
Rachel: [desparate] Come on please? I'm bored! You let me do it once before.
[Ross reacts and looks at Joey, who looks at Chandler as if to say, "When was this?" and Chandler's expression implies, "Don't look at me."]
Dr. Ross Geller: [looks at Rachel with a simple tone] Yeah well if er... if *that's* the rule this weekend...
[Rachel gets up and approaches Ross]
Dr. Ross Geller: [at the same time as Rachel] No. Get away. Stay... No. No!
Rachel: [at the same time as Ross] Yeah. Come on. Take it like a man Ross. Come on. Oh, come on.
[Ross gets up, runs around the room and Rachel chases him and he accidentally flattens one of Chandler's sandcastles as he runs by]
Chandler: [very annoyed] Big bullies!
[Ross jumps on the sofa, Rachel jumps on top of him, they hold each other off but stop and look in each others' eyes]
Phoebe: [enters the beach house and puts down her umbrella] Hey! So how are we doing?
Chandler: [as Ross and Rachel get up] Bored and bored.
Joey: [grinning] Hey! You know what naked card game's never boring?
Rachel: No!
Joey: Anybody want a cruller?
Phoebe: You see? This is a typical Lightning Bearer thing. It's like "Hello, who wants one of my falic shaped man cakes?"
Joey: [looks at cruller] Who've you been dating?
Joey: I'm his butt double. I play Al Pacino's butt, alright. He goes into the shower and then I'm his butt.
Joey: [Ross enters] Did you talk to Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: No, I didn't and I'm not going to.
Phoebe: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because she's just going to shoot me down you guys saw what happened with Gunther that did not look like fun.
Joey: How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean his more sexier in an obvious way you have relationship with her you slept together last night.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah and she still wants to go it's pretty clear where she is, even I were to tell her I don't have to do it now I'll be seeing her again we've got time.
Joey: No, you don't she's going to Paris and she's going to meet somebody do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It's a city of Gunthers.
Kate: I have a question about this scene.
The: Yes.
Kate: Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.
The: Peel the onion. First of all, he's good looking.
Joey: Yeah.
Kate: I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of a reason than that.
Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one? Uh, it says so in the script!
[Hits script]
Joey: You know, uh, I don't know why my character likes you either. I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch.
Kate: It doesn't say that in the script.
Joey: It does in mine!
Joey: I imagine you marrying a blonde guy with a pool named... Hoyt.
Joey: 1999, the year of Joey!
Joey: Hey Mon, wanna go for a ride in my racecar? I'll bring my arms...
Rachel: [impatiently walks over to Joey] That's it! Just give 'em to me and I'll split them up!
[Rachel pinches Joey and takes the bowl from him, but Phoebe suddenly screams, takes the bowl from Rachel and starts running]
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Phoebe] Hey! Hey!
[Phoebe screams at Ross, who puts his fingers in his ears as she runs past him and stops near the window next to the secret closet]
Phoebe: [exasperated] I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this!
[Phoebe runs to the window]
Rachel: [calls] OK! If she jumps, I get her tickets!
[Phoebe climbs though the open window onto the balcony as the friends run to the window]
Phoebe: If we're not doing this together, we're not doing it at all! Say goodbye to your tickets.
[Phoebe holds the bowl over the side of the balcony]
Monica: [stuck in the open window] No! No! No! No!
Phoebe: [warning] Do not come any closer!
Chandler: Can I come a little bit closer? Valuable things are getting squished.
Phoebe: [very firmly] Now what's more important? Your friends or money?
Rachel: Friends!
Monica: Money!
[everyone looks at Monica]
Monica: [trying to look innocent] Friends.
[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great.
Ross: [fighting with Rachel, while everyone else is eavesdropping in Monica's Room] She was...
Joey: Awful!
Chandler: Not good! Not good!
Joey: Nothing compared to you.
Ross: Different.
Joey: No!
Chandler: Uh oh.
Joey: Oh Mommy, Oh Daddy, I am a big ol' baddy.
Janice: I'm riding the alimony pony!
[braying laugh]
Joey: [aside] And there it is...
- Closeness, schmosness! There was three of us, for crying out loud!
- Who wants pizza?
- This is great! Can you believe
- I found this on the second floor?
- -Who is it? Officer: NYPD.
Phoebe: Oh, my god!
Joey: Oh, my god.
- Uh, just a minute, officer!
Joey: [talking to CHEESE] And the rabbi's beard? One hundred per cent horsehair!
[first lines]
Rachel: Will you let it go? It's not that big a deal!
Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing! Okay? You just reach in and then this one little maneuver and bam! a bra! Right out the sleeve. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right here?
[Chandler obviously agrees]
Rachel: Oh, come on, you guys can pee standing up!
Chandler: We can? Okay, I'll try that.
Joey: Uh, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want. Look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.
Phoebe: Okay, you know what I don't get? The guys can do so many mean things and then not even care.
Ross: [got no answer to this] Multiple orgasms!
Joey: [on answering machine] Hey, Ross - it's Joey. There's a hooker over here, and we thought you'd know something about it.
Joey: [at the Rangers game] Hey, we better get going. If we don't leave right now, we're gonna be late for dinner.
Dr. Ross Geller: But its a tie game. So what if we're a little late. You know, the girls will be there. Let's just stay for one more goal.
Joey: I dunno.
Dr. Ross Geller: One more fight.
Joey: Ok
Joey: Hey, I can help you decide who should do it. We can have, like, an audition, and then see how you'd handle maid of honor-type situations.
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Joey: Like when I want a job, right? I go to an audition, and if I'm the best of the people they see, I get the part, you know? Then they send you a script, then you go to the set, and you rehearse, and you have wardrobe fittings, and then you shoot your part. And it's great - but right after that, you're back down on the street looking for work again, right back where you started! So I gotta say, I really don't think a career in acting is the right choice for you two.
Monica: What is going on with you?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day.
Joey: All right... There is something. I... I kind of had a dream. But I don't wanna talk about it.
Chandler: What if Martin Luther King had said that. "I kind of have a dream... I don't wanna talk about it."
Joey: What a phoney!
Chandler: Well I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock into Nothing!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Chandler announces that he and Monica decided not to host Thanksgiving this year] That doesn't sound like you. That's Monica talking.
Chandler: No, no, we made this decision together.
Dr. Ross Geller: She's putting words in your mouth.
Joey: Don't you put words in people's mouths. You put turkey in people's mouths.
[At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve"]
Stage: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air.
[Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica]
Stage: Yeah. Let's start.
Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air?
- Oh, well.
- So you guys will stay here and hang out with me?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah.
- But I'll tell you, one of these days...
- We're gonna get off our butts and rent die hard again.
- Yeah, we are.
Chandler: I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.
Joey: What secrets?
Chandler: Oh, no, no, Joey - I'm not going to tell you, because I am an excellent secret keeper.
Joey: [Monica and Phoebe leave] Psst - you'll tell me later?
Chandler: You already know.
Janice: Janice has a question: Who of the six of you has slept with who of the six of you?
Phoebe: Its like a dirty math problem.
Dr. Ross Geller: The answer would be none of us.
Janice: None of you have gotten drunk and stupid over the years?
Joey: Well, that's a different question.
Janice: I find it hard to believe a group of people who spend as much time together as you do has never bumped uglies. I've got another question: Who of the six of you has almost?
Rachel: [they all quickly get up] Can I get anyone more coffee?
Joey: Hey, there's a dog out there!
Rachel: [as Joey starts to conduct a wedding ceremony against Dina and Bobby's will in the apartment] Joey, this is crazy!
Joey: Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to God!
Joey: [sees Rachel and Chandler eating cheesecake off the hallway floor; they stare at him] ... Alright, what are we having?
[produces a fork from his jacket and starts to eat with them]
Joey: Where's my underwear?
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear?
Chandler: He took my essence.
Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
Amy: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?
Chandler: No, if crazy plate lady... if Monica dies then I would get Emma, right?
Rachel: Well, actually...
Chandler: Actually, what?
Ross: It's just that in that case then Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler: What?
Amy: [to Chandler] Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?
Joey: Well, the tough thing is she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch...
Joey: Ya, well, i still got a week left to go in the program and according to the rules if i wanna get the money i am not allowed to conduct any personal experiments, if you know what i mean.
Monica: Joey! We always know what you mean.
Joey: We look at you and we see you together, and it just... It... it fits. You know? And you just know it's gonna last forever.
[Thanksgiving]
Rachel: You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for.
Joey: Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having.
Everybody: YEAH.
Joey: I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.
Joey: You don't smell it? Something's on fire.
Rachel: I don't smell anything.
Joey: Oh, you know what? It's probably just your burnin' loins.
Dr. Ross Geller: [arriving] What are you guys talking about?
Rachel: Nothing.
Dr. Ross Geller: Dang, this coffee's cold. Hey, Rach - do you mind if I heat this up on your loins?
Joey: Look, I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses.
Gunther: [eavesdropping] Ha!
Joey: [turns around, sarcastically] Gesundheit.
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey: Really? Great... did I actually ask you?
Hayley: No, that's just where you were going. I just figured that I'd help you out; you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this a lot.
Gunther: Ha!
Joey: [turns around again] Seriously, Gunther - you should see someone about that cold; if it gets much worse you could *die*!
Joey: [Practicing lines while talking to a pineapple] God, you're beautiful. Why are we fighting this?
[Rachel walks in]
Joey: You know you want it to happen as much as I do. I want you, I need you. Let me make love to you.
Rachel: I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less.
Joey: [Joey eyes a hot blonde in the coffee shop] See, ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken. Did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe: You know, maybe this is a wake-up call. You know, about - about your whole dating attitude. You're in your thirties, and you have never been in a long-term relationship. You know, you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience, never even worrying that it doesn't turn into something more serious.
Joey: You're right. I love my life!
Joey: All right, Ross, look, you feel a lot of pain right now, you're angry, you're hurtin'. Can I tell you what the answer is?
[Ross gestures him to continue]
Joey: *Strip joints!* Come on, you're single, have some hormones!
Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just - I just - I just wanna be married again.
Joey: Hey, you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
Chandler: Only if you order stuff...
Joey: I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight!
Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening?
Ross: You take your time.
- Get out.
Joey: I'm serious.
- You're amazing. You know when to spritz.
- You know when to lay back.
- Really?
- You don't know what that means to me.
- Mm, mm.
- You smell great tonight.
- Uh, what are you wearing?
- Nothing.
[Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding]
Joey: Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?
Monica,8065: Yeah.
Joey: We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
[Monica and Chandler look impressed]
Joey: It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.
[later]
Joey: Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?
Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Joey: When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica: How bout receiving?
Joey: Yes!
Ross: Look, Rachel. I play to win, and in order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're going to play with me, don't expect me to be a nice guy, 'cause when I play poker...
[wipes his hands]
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: I'm not a nice guy.
- Danger!
- Ah, huh? Unagi.
Joey: Two thousand bucks is a lot of money.
- Boy, I wish I had a twin.
- Where could I find someone...
- Who looks exactly like me?
Monica: You're telling me you can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting?
Joey: That's right, 'cause I'm a Tribbiani, and this is what we do. We may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don't read a lot or run very fast, but dammit we can eat!
Joey: [Monica has slept with Paul the Wine Guy on the first date] That 'wasn't a real date.' What the hell do you do on a real date?
Monica: Shut up and move my table back.
Rachel: [Joey comes home from a date] Oh, thank God you're home. I'm watching Cujo.
Joey: [surprised] Alone?
Rachel: Yes... *What* is wrong with this dog?
Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where they're trapped in the car, and Cujo's throwin' himself at the windshield?
Rachel: No... seriously, what's wrong with this dog?
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Jessica: And guess what? Good news - I got another job.
Joey: Great! Hey, alright. So what is it?
Jessica: A film in Guadalajara.
Joey: The airport?
Joey: [Joey, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are in Chapel in Vegas after Rachel and Ross got married] Well, what happened, did we miss it?
Chandler: Well, we actually missed it.
Phoebe: [with clenched teeth] Well, maybe you wouldn't have if you could run in the chapel!
Chandler: I'd like a Google card please, Joey?
Joey: Are you sure?
Chandler: Yes!... No!... Google!
- The ball is Janice.
- The ball is Janice.
- Ow! Son of a...! Ow!
- Come on!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- You know what?
- We're just gonna throw it.
Joey: I got it!
Monica: Go, go, go!
[first lines]
Phoebe: Hi!
Chandler: Hey! Hey! Welcome back!
Rachel: How was the honeymoon?
Phoebe: Oh, incredible! Oh, champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach. It was so romantic.
Chandler: So where's Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor. He didn't poop while we were there.
- Phoebe: Bye. Joey: Bye, pheebs.
- Mwah. Goodbye. Mwah.
Monica: Bye.
- Safe flight.
Joey: London, baby.
- Oh, god.
- Oh. Do you need a hug?
- You don't have to bring me anything.
[commenting on his family's dysfunctional situation]
Joey: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my Ma, like she wanted. My Ma's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know, even though she does. And my little sister, Tina, can't see her husband anymore 'cause he's got a restraining order - which has nothing to do with anything, except, I found out today.
Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain.
Monica: What's the part?
Joey: It's not a part. No. I'm teaching Acting for Soap Operas at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on. That's great.
Joey: It's like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross: You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey: [long pause] I know.
Chandler: So, if Monica's not around I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: No, that is not what we are saying
[looks down]
Ross: .
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you.
Chandler: [to Joey, who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute.
Joey: But it hurts my Joey's apple!
Chandler: [frustrated] OK - for the last time, it's not named for each individual man.
Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do you know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy.
Joey: [raising his hand and pointing to himself] Some guy!
Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: [raising his hand again] Ken Adams.
[Ross and Rachel are both drunk]
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey! It's Joey, I love Joey!
[Hugs Joey]
Rachel: Oh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck.
Joey: Hi.
[Hugs Rachel]
Joey: Alright look, I need some help, okay?Someone has to convince my hand twin to cooperate!
Ross: I'll do it. Whatever you need me to do, I'm your man.
Ross: [Sits down on nothing and falls to the ground]
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay?
Joey: Yeah. Fine. Thanks. Hey Rach, how do you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doin' good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore!
Joey: [repeated line when trying to cover up Monica and Chandler's sexual discretions] I'm Joey, I'm disgusting.
Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
Chandler: I know this one. No, wait. That was popes into a Volkswagen.
Joey: And you call yourself an accountant?
Chandler: No!
[In the Central Perk, Joey told Ross he likes Rachel]
Ross: I don't... Rachel?
Joey: Ross...
Ross: Rachel?
[Ross leaves; Joey turns around and finds Gunther right behind him]
Gunther: RACHEL?
Gary: [to Phoebe] You're the prettiest fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
Joey,8065: Nice!
Joey: That Porsche I've got the keys to, still there!
Chandler: Shocking, since you still have the keys!
Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.
Phoebe: The only guy I've ever been crazy about is going to Minsk, and I may never see him again.
Joey: Hey, you could always visit him.
Phoebe: Oh, right - like they're gonna let *me* have a passport.
Joey: Is there anything I can do?
Phoebe: ...Well... but now, if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles, you know, before he does, then he could come back.
Joey: ...I could give it a shot.
[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms]
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe,8061: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe,8066: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: [moan] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.
Chandler: From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So - you're just Bing?
Chandler: I have no name.
Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call you?
Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint.
Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Phoebe: Um... Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint.
Joey: See ya later, Gene.
Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. Clint.
Joey: What's up with Gene?
Joey: What's the matter?
Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight but nobody else is going to, so, you know...
Joey: Alright... I'll take care of it.
Monica: Joey! It's thirty seconds to midnight, what are you gonna do?
Joey: Will you just trust me?
[Heads to Ross]
Ross: 33, 32, 31...
Joey: Ross, Ross, listen, who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?
Ross: What?
Joey: Well, you gotta kiss someone, can't kiss your sister.
Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister?
Joey: Chandler.
Ross: Oh, man, really?
Joey: Dude, who would you rather to have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
Ross: That's good point. Well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
Joey: Ok, great
[Goes over to Phoebe]
Joey: Pheebs, Pheebs, listen. Ross wants to kiss you at midnight.
Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask.
Joey: [Going over to Rachel] Rache, Rache. Listen, I'm going to kiss you at midnight.
Rachel: What?
Joey: Everybody's gotta kiss someone, can't kiss Ross, you got the history.
Rachel: So?
Joey: So, who'd you Rather kissing you, me or Chandler?
Rachel: Oh, good point.
[Countdown is over and they all kiss]
Phoebe: Joey, those are my maternity pants!
Joey: No, no! These are my Thanksgiving pants!
Phoebe: They're coming. Run!
Joey: Where?
Phoebe: Mexico!
Joey: [Right after Chandler kiss Monica, Rachel and Phoebe] What the hell was that?
Monica: Probably some, you know, European goodbye thing he picked up in London, I don't know.
Rachel: What? That's not European.
Phoebe: Well, it felt French.
Phoebe: [carrying two large bulky black bin bags into Joey's apartment] Is it OK if I leave this stuff here until Rachel's Birthday party?
Chandler: [standing by the workout with a bottle] Uh, sure. What's in 'em?
Phoebe: [leaves the bags on one of the armchairs] Um, cups.
Chandler: Oh good, because we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.
[Phoebe smiles]
Ross: [sitting at the worktop holding a bottle] Seriously, that's *a lot* of cups.
Phoebe: [proudly] Yeah, well that's 'cause I'm in charge of cups and ice and Monica is gonna *rue the day* that she put me in charge of cups and ice!
Chandler: You know, I rued the day once. Didn't a whole lot else done.
Phoebe: [preparing herself] OK, time to bring up the rest of the cups.
[Phoebe opens the apartment door as Joey arrives]
Phoebe: [exiting the apartment] Hey Joey!
Joey: [entering the apartment] Hey Pheebs!
Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor... is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
[Ross enters and touches Chandler on the shoulder, who flinches]
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
Joey: [Chandler and Ross stare at him] ... What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measure pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison! What's the matter with you?
Joey: The ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up, and you thought I was proposing.
Rachel: Yeah, but you said 'will you marry me'.
Joey: No, I didn't.
Rachel: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't.
Rachel: Yes, you did! Oh, my god, you didn't.
Director: And Action!... and Cut! Hey butt guy, what the hell are you doing?
Joey: I'm showering.
Director: No, that was clenching.
Joey: The way I see it, the guy's upset here ya know? I mean his wife's dead, his bother's missing. I think his butt would be angry here.
Hypnosis: You do not need to smoke. You are strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke.
Joey: Joey's your best friend... and you want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants...
Rachel: Well, maybe they could find a way to bring you back.
Joey: Nah, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor who could have saved me was me. It's supposed to be some kind of irony.
Monica: Oh, God help us!
Joey: What?
Monica: Ugly Naked Guy is laying kitchen tile!
Joey: Hey, Gunther, have you, uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: [looking confused] I thought you were Chandler.
Gunther: [both look confused] But uhm, one of you is over there ...
Lauren: Hi, Kate.
Kate: Hi, Lauren.
Joey: Hi, Lauren.
Lauren: [long pause] Hi, pig.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh... you and I were, uh...
Phoebe: Doing it on this table!
Chandler: Wow!
Joey: Excellent dream score!
Phoebe: A house for dolls. That's great. When I was growing up I had a barrel.
Joey: You had a barrel for a doll house?
Phoebe: No, just a barrel.
Joey: We're gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations, and you'll be scored on the scale one to ten, one being the highest.
Ross: No, ten is the highest.
Joey: Why is ten the highest?
Ross: Because it *is* the highest.
[debating whether to see Ross and Rachel's videotape]
Ross: You want to see it?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see?
Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?
[first lines]
Monica: [presents baby shoes] Okay, these were expensive, and he's gonna grow out of them in 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist!
Phoebe: Aww! Look at these. Hey, Ben. "Just do it"! Unh!
[baby starts crying]
Phoebe: Oh, my God! Oh! Was that too much pressure for him?
Susan: Oh, is he hungry already? Aw.
Carol: [starts feeding with breast] I guess so.
Chandler: You know, it's...
[goggling the breast]
Chandler: Something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back.
Joey: [follows after Chandler out] Oh, uh, I gotta get one too.
Ross: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Chandler: We're just hanging out by the spoons... Ladle?
Ross: Will you guys grow up? This is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world.
Joey: Yeah, we know. But there's a baby sucking on it.
Ross: This is my son having lunch, okay? It'll happen a lot, so get used to it. If you have a problem, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it. Come on.
[guys come back]
Ross: Carol?
Chandler: Carol. I was wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
Carol: Sure.
Joey: [surprised] Uh... Does it hurt?
Carol: It did at first, but not anymore.
Joey: Chandler?
Chandler: So, uh, how often can you do it?
Carol: As much as he needs.
Joey: Oh, okay, I got one, I got one. Uh... If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?
- You ready?
- Yeah. Let's go.
Joey: Thanks, Ross.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Ross. That art stuff worked.
- You hooked me up.
- Glad I could help, man.
- Some of the stuff wasn't where you said it would be, but I made it work.
- But I made cards.
- Well.
- Good night.
- I'm going upstairs.
Joey: Good night.
Chandler: Night.
- Wanna play strip poker for practice?
[talking to Ross]
Joey: ...I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.
[Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant]
Joey: Look, Chandler, if this is going to work, you have got to *listen*. You're gonna throw that juice in my face, aren't ya?
Chandler: It's not all juice.
Ross: We don't need to get divorced. We're just going to get an annulment.
Joey: An annulment? Ross, I don't think surgery is the answer here.
Chandler: Have we met?
Eddie: It's Eddie, you freak, your roommate.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I already have a roommate.
Joey: Hello.
Chandler: He's lived here for years. I don't know what you're talking about, man.
Eddie: No, he moved out and I moved in.
Chandler: But, I think I'd remember something like that.
Joey: I know I would.
Eddie: Oh, that's a good point. Um, Ok, well I guess I got the wrong apartment then.
Richard: I found the picture.
Joey: Picture? What picture?
Richard: Could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can play off your reaction.
Joey: OK, I know you're a great actor and you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff... But you're spittin' all over me, man!
Richard: Well of course I have.
Joey: You know you've been spitting on me?
Richard: That's what real actors do! Enunciation is the mark of a good actor, and when you enunciate, you SPIT!
Joey: Oh my God, Angela. Well I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, that seems good.
Joey: I'd rather be alone. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.
Chandler: [smiles] You thoughts?
[Joey nods]
Chandler: Plural?
Joey: [sighs] Alright, fine, I have only one thought: it's about the hot nanny, I've got to see her!
Joey: Hey, dude! Let me in, I got a girl out here.
Chandler: Well I've got a girl in here.
Joey: No you don't, I just saw you go in there with Monica.
Chandler: Well, we're... we're hanging out in here!
Joey: Which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
Chandler: Well, I suppose I would have to say
[the last word in a growl]
Chandler: YOU. Look, what if we're watching a movie in here?
Monica: Yeah, which we are, and we already paid for it. It's My Giant.
Joey: My Giant? I love that movie!
Joey: Whoa, whoa, that was just a theory. There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out. Lone Gunman. Communism. Geometry.
Chandler: OH MY GOD!
Ross: [filming with a camera] Hey, there's Uncle Joey!
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday.
Joey: [flirty] 18, huh?
Ross: Joey, no!
Joey: What? It's for her hot friends.
Ross: When they see this, you'll be 52.
Joey: And starting to think about settling down.
Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole."
Joey: Okay.
[He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave]
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair.
Joey: THAT'S RIGHT. I'm taking the ESSENCE.
Chandler: Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.
Chandler: [monotone] Hi.
Rachel: What's the matter with you?
Chandler: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat!
Rachel: No?
Joey: You're kiddin'?
Dr. Ross Geller: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel: Hi.
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi.
[they both hug]
Chandler: Ohhh
[he turns as if to hug someone]
Chandler: Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
Joey: So, Monica. Still going out with Doctor Boring?
Monica: He's not boring. He's just low key.
Ross: [Pleading] Please help me I have a date tonight, it has to go well I'm scared for my health.
Joey: [Thinking quickly] Okay, I got something, it's a story I came up with. It's very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it, they become "putty".
Ross: Really? Well, tell it to me.
Joey: [Genuinely warning him] Now you're going to want to have sex with me, but remember it's just "a story".
Ross: [Sarcastically] I'll try to control myself.
Joey: Okay, years ago when I was backpacking through Western Europe...
Ross: [Doubtfully] You were backpacking through Western Europe?
Joey: [Feeling belittled and gets up to leave] Have a nice six more months.
Joey: They're killing off one of the characters on the show - and when she dies, her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Dr. Ross Geller: What? A brain transplant? It's ridiculous!
Joey: I think it's ridiculous you haven't had sex in 3 1/2 months.
Dr. Ross Geller: ...It's winter; there are fewer people on the street.
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Cecelia Monroe; she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Monica: Noooooo!
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces - I mean, I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
Ross: Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy, don't be a hero" mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story, but I gotta go. I got a date with Angela... Andrea... Oh, man!
Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.
Joey: Right, thanks. It's Julie. I'm outta here!
Joey: You're whippin' so slow! Can't you do it any faster?
Rachel: Joey, come on! I don't want to make any mistakes. All right, this is the only desert, and if I screw it up, everybody's gonna be like: "Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?"
[Joey gives her an understanding look]
Rachel: Okay? So why don't you just let me worry about making the trifle, and you just worry about eating it?
Joey: Oh, I am!
Joey: [Joey thinks Phoebe has been acting in porno videos] A guy in the coffee shop told me he was a fan of Phoebe's. I thought he was talking about her singing, but he claims she's a porn star. So I went to the adult video store, and picked this up.
Ross: [taking the video] Let me see that. "Buffay the Vampire Layer", starring Phoebe Buffay. Alright - let's check it out!
Joey: Guys, Phoebe is our friend. I refuse to watch this!
[Joey goes over and sits at the table with his back to the TV]
Ross: Wow! I didn't know Pheebs had that particular talent.
Rachel: Wait a minute - Phoebe doesn't have a tattoo on her ankle! My God, that's Ursula!
Joey: [jumping up and turning around] Ursula? Alright! Run it back! Run it back!
Ross: Boy, Phoebe is going to be pissed. Why is Ursula using Phoebe's name?
Phoebe: [coming in the apartment] Hi, everybody - what are you...
Phoebe: [screams and points at the TV] Ahhhhhhh! What am I doing?
Joey: [after Chandler fixes his eyebrows] They look great. How you doing?
Chandler: Oh, she's got you running errands, you know, picking up wedding dresses... Wah-pah!
Ross: What's wah-pah?
Chandler: You know, whipped. Wah-pah!
Joey: That's not whipped. Whipped is wh-tcssh!
Chandler: That's what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey: You can't do anything!
- I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's okay.
- That's probably a good idea.
- I'll see you in the morning.
Rachel: Uh-huh. Okay.
- All right.
- Yeah, you know, Joey, I...
- I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this.
Joey: It doesn't look good, does it?
- Mm-mm.
Rachel: What about you Joe, what would you give up, sex or food?
Joey: Uhh... ooh... uhh...
[thinks really hard]
Joey: I don't know, it's too hard!
Rachel: No, you gotta pick one!
Joey: [sighs] Uhh, food... no, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Se- I dunno, oh god I want both! I want... I want girls on bread!
Ross: [Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas, then Ross enters the scene] I'd like to make a toast, to Rachel and Joey
Rachel: Ooyy!
Ross: And... to *love*.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas]
Ross: Ahh, love... l-o-v-e. L is for life, and what is life without love?
Rachel: [to Joey] Oh my god, I was supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for Oh WOW! V is for this very surprising turn of events which I am still fine with, by the way.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas again]
Ross: E is for how *extremely* normal I find it that *you* two are together... and that one day you might get married and have children of your own.
Joey: [awkward silence] Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally!
[drinks margarita]
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem OK.
Ross: I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some *flan*!
Charlie: Wait Ross, Ross, I-I have to take off.
Ross: Nooo!
Charlie: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.
Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.
Charlie: *You're on fire*! I'll call you in the morning, ok?
Ross: OK.
[goes to kitchen]
Charlie: Oh God Rachel, what Ross just said, that is-...
Rachel: Oh!that's ok, girls tend not to like me.
Charlie: Bye.
Ross: [Ross enters the room with flan] OK! I guess it's just flan for three! Hey... hey, that rhymed!
Rachel: You know what Ross? I think we're gonna take of too.
Ross: Oh, oh... Of course! God, I'm so stupid, you guys are a couple now and you probably just wanna be alone.
Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late-...
Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine, it's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas, it's all good.
[oven timer sounds]
Ross: I don't even know what that's for.
Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place, buck naked
[pause]
Chandler: or a big tub of jam?
Joey: [nods head] Put your hands together.
[Ross, Joey and Chandler talk about how Ross is pushing Rachel to Mark]
Chandler: She starts thinking, 'Maybe this is the guy for me because he understands me.'
Joey: And before you know it. she's with him and you'll be all, 'Oh man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Oh, dude!' And pretty soon you'll be like, 'Hi.' And, and, 'Well I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!'
Chandler: He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?
- Hi there.
Joey: He couldn't let it go.
- I don't really know what happened with that.
- And then Ross' new girlfriend shows up...
- And Rachel convinced her to shave her head.
- And now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl.
- And I don't know what happened there either.
- You know what? Hold on.
- Let me go get Chandler.
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I *be* wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
Monica: [to the movers and referring to dog statue] if that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
[hands him money]
Ross: [Looking around the empty apartment] Wow.
Rachel: I know it seems smaller somehow.
Joey: [Confused] Has it always been purple?
Chandler: [to the twin babies] Look around you guys. This was your first home and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter but more importantly, because it was rent controlled it was a freaking steel.
Monica: [to Chandler] I almost forgot I promised Treeger we'd leave our keys.
Monica: [Hugs Chandler] This is harder than I thought it would be.
Joey: How big is that?
Monica: About nineteen pounds.
Joey: That's like me when I was born!
- But you have to let us know when you feel better...
- So we can make fun of your hair.
- You got it.
Joey: Okay.
- Thanks, I really appreciate this.
- I'm going to get packing again.
- I've been moving around so much that I feel like a nomad.
- What?
- He thought you said gonad.
Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our game.
Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! That's a typical guy response.
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Monica,8061: No...
Rachel: But you could teach us!
Ross,8065: No...
[Mimics Janice] Oh, my god!
Joey: [mimics Janice] Oh, Chandler!
- Now! Now!
- That's it.
- There! Faster!
- Ugh. Stop with the broom!
- We're not making noise!
Joey: [Ross, Chandler and Joey are discussing the best man for Ross and Emily's wedding] Wait, Wait! Why does Chandler get to be best man? He was yours last time!
Ross: Well, I've known Chandler a long time.
Joey: Wait a minute! C'mon Ross, I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man!
Chandler: Joey, you can be best man at my wedding.
Joey: [looks at Chandler and then back at Ross] I'll never get to be a best man!
Joey: So, Phoebs, do they know about each other?
Phoebe: I don't know. Does a dog's lips move when he reads?
[Joey reacts with a confused look on his face]
Phoebe: Okay, no, they don't.
Dr. Ross Geller: I have to go to work for a few hours. Some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
Joey: What did they do?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures. Let's just leave it at that.
Joey: I don't know if you heard, but they killed off my character on the show.
Gunther: That's too bad. How did they do it?
Joey: I fell down an elevator shaft.
Gunther: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.
Joey: What?
Gunther: I used to be Bryce on All My Children.
- -Uh-oh. Ross: What?
- I have to pee.
- And Rachel's in the bathroom.
Joey: Man, I didn't think we were gonna make it.
- I know.
- Don't switch hands, okay?
Phoebe: Being pregnant is hard on your tummy.
Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant-lady glow.
Phoebe: Oh, that's sweat. You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow too.
Joey: [about the Director] That guy's like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?
Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you're dating.
Joey: Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's what's underneath her sweater that counts.
Chandler: I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor.
Joey: I knew he couldn't be with a woman for 45 minutes.
Lorraine: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes.
Joey: [unimpressed] Yeah? Good for you.
[then feels her foot slide up very intimately]
Joey: Uh, quarters or... rolls of quarters?
Joey: [Talking on the phone with Lydia's mother] Hi, yeah, it's me. Oh, no, no, no. We're just friends
Joey: [listening on the phone] Yeah, I'm single.
Joey: [listening on the phone] 25. An actor.
Joey: [Lydia's mother hangs up] Hello?
Lydia: She's not much of a phone person.
Joey: Just because she went to Yale Drama, she thinks she's like, the greatest actress since sliced bread.
Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.
Joey: [of Janice] So you bring her here? There's people here!
[Carol is nursing Ben]
Ross: This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world.
Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it.
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: [getting annoyed] I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.
Joey: [Chandler is wearing nothing but panties] Ohohooow, someone's flossing.
Joey: I went out a couple of times with this girl - really hot, great kisser. But she had the biggest Adam's apple! It made me nuts.
Ross: Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey: ...
[laughs]
Joey: You guys are messing with me, aren't you?
Everyone: [pause] Oh, yeah, yes...
Joey: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "Whoa."
Joey: Monica, relax, go get a beer.
Monica: I don't want a beer.
Joey: Who said it was for you?
Joey: You're a monkey lost in the city. Where would you go?
Chandler: Well, he's new in town, so he would first go to the touristy places. Okay, I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.
Joey: If you're gonna do something wrong, do it right.
Joey: It's the apartment manager. Ross put us down as references. Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet. Yeah, he's very reliable.
Chandler: [Chandler grabs the phone] Of course he has a big huge dog... that barks into the night... well who doesn't love dogs... Um, he's a tap dancer... yes, some would say that is a lost art... He's a PIMP... there you go, yes, he's a pimp. He's a big tap-dancing pimp... Hello?
Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ah, so how many cameras are actually on you?
Joey: [about tattoos] This is wild, what are you gonna get?
Phoebe: Um, I'm getting a lily. For my mom, 'cause her name's Lily.
Chandler: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?
Joey: [shouts, repeated line] Joey doesn't share food!
Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Monica: Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the...
Chandler: I'm begging you stop.
Monica: That You Get. THAT YOU GET
Rachel: No
Phoebe: No
Ross: No
Joey: No
Chandler: No
Joey: [wearing a shoulderbag] It is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly! Unisex.
Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No, no, Joey. U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, ain't gonna say no to that.
Chandler: [muttering to Joey] Come on Chloe, finish up with your customer first. Come on Chloe. Come on Chloe.
Isaac: Can I help you?
Chandler: Uh oh.
Joey: You know what, we're having second thoughts about our copying needs and we need a little more time to think about it.
Isaac: Chloe, switch with me, there's some guys here who got a crush on you.
Joey: Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend.
Rachel: Omigod. That's our friend. It's naked Ross.
Chandler: I just think its time for you to settle down, you know, make a choice, pick a lane.
Joey: Who's Elaine?
Ross: [Ross's speech in Barbados, Rachel is laughing] ... is thought to be separate species from homo erectus
Joey: Homo?
Rachel: [Still laughing] Erectus.
Rachel: Phoebe, you can't have both of them; you have to pick one.
Joey: Pick me.
Dr. Ross Geller: No, pick me. I don't want to end up an old maid.
Phoebe: Alright; well, let's see... Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat. This is hard.
Joey: This is crazy. Hey, look - I want to switch to Rachel.
Dr. Ross Geller: Ooh, I want to switch to Rachel, too.
Phoebe: No, wait - just wait. Don't make any rash decisions. OK, just remember my promise. If we get married... three times a week.
Rachel: Oh, my God, Phoebe.
Phoebe: I'm talking about massages.
Rachel: Oh.
[when Rachel looks away, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths the words "No I'm not"]
Joey: [Chandler has just told Joey and Ross that he plans to ask Monica to marry him] I think I'm gonna cry!
Rachel: [entering] Ugh! No more crying - please! I just dumped one crybaby - I'll dump you, too!
Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
Joey: Uh, how about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
Ross: Okay. Hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
Joey: Get ready to come out of the non gay closet.
Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.
Phoebe: Ooh, ugh.
[as Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"]
Ross: Oh, no, no. Stop cleansing my aura.
Phoebe: But...
[she continues to "cleanse his aura"]
Ross: No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine. Be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine, really, you guys. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: [stares at Joey] No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
[everyone stares at Chandler]
Chandler: Did I say that out loud?
Janice: So, I hear you hate me.
Joey: I didn't said "hate", I was really careful about that.
Janice: A little birdy said something about ripping your arm off and throwing it at me.
Joey: You got "hate" from that?
Joey: Can we come in?
- We're dying out here!
- Come in! Come in!
- -We're engaged! All: Yes!
Joey: Pharmacists are Phun.
Rachel: I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home.
Joey: Not enough pills in the world, Rach.
Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
[Everyone gasps]
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!
[Everyone runs to the window to look]
Monica: Who told you that?
[Looks at Chandler]
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: [Gasps] You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: [Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him] Joey was in a porno movie!
[Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that]
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
Charlie: First, I have to see the Met!
Joey: OK, let me stop you right there, the Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees!
Charlie: No, not the Mets.The Met. Singular.
Joey: Which one? They all suck!
Charlie: The museum.
Joey: I don't think so...
Chandler: Great. Now we can go to the Ranger game. That was last night.
Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets.
Joey: [teaching Acting for Soap Operas] Okay, some tricks of the trade...
Joey: Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers and just start pulling.
Joey: Or let's say I want to convey that I've, uh, just done something evil. Well, that would be your basic I've-got-a fish-hook-in-my-eyebrow-and-I-like-it.
Joey: No? Okay. Let's say I've just gotten bad news. Well, all I do there is try and divide 213 by 13.
Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight, everybody. Class dismissed.
Monica: [reading Joey's letter from his stalker] Wait a minute; this wasn't mailed to "Days of Our Lives". It wasn't even mailed. Joey, this woman was in our building; she knows where you live.
Joey: All right! I got my own stalker!
Chandler: You're so lucky; I have to share my stalker with five other guys at work.
Rachel: Joey, remember when we talked about good thing-bad thing? This is a baaaad thing.
Joey: Ben... Ben... Hey Ben... Nothin', I don't think that's his name.
Ross: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or to get a hooker.
Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.
Joey: All right, they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider.
[takes a glass from the fridge]
Chandler: Taste it.
Joey: [drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge] Yep, it's fat. I drank fat.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Watching Rugby on TV] I don't know what the big deal is? I'm man enough to play this sport.
Joey: Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.
- Yeah. And until then, you are going to sing to me.
- Because the radio's broken, and you are selfish, but you have a nice voice.
- Really?
- Sing!
- I wanna rock 'n' roll all night
Joey: Man, this is a long drive.
- Are my eyes open?
[the friends enter the beach house]
Monica: [to Monica] You know what this reminds me of? Um, why couldn't I be your boyfriend?
Monica: [smiles but in disbelief] Are you still *on* that?
Chandler: [gladly] Uh-huh.
Joey: [cooly] Would you let it go already?
Monica: [gladly] Thank you Joey.
Joey: [puts down his suitcase] But you'd go out with me, right?
Monica: [trying not to laugh] No! You're the same as with Chandler - we're friends.
Joey: Well, let's say we were the last two guys on the face of the planet, and you had a gun to your head. Which one would you pick?
Monica: [smartly] Which one of you has the gun to my head?
Phoebe: Who's going to die?
Joey: Um... man with eyepatch!
Joey: Where do you wanna eat?
Chandler: I don't know...
Joey: I know how we can decide. I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. So, clear your mind. Clear it tight out. Clear it out. Clear it.
Chandler: Ok! Ok, it's all clear except for this image of a small, purple lamp. Is that all right if that stays in there?
Monica: Honey, what's wrong?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Saddened] My wife's a lesbian.
Joey: [Amused] Cool.
Chandler: [Introducing them to each other] Ross, Joey; Joey, Ross.
Ross: And, uh, then I kissed her.
Joey: Tongue?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Cool.
Ross: [about calling Rachel] We just had a fight... Shouldn't I wait?
Chandler: This isn't like swimming. Pick up a phone!
Chandler: [to Joey] You know, that whole waiting before you swim after you eaten thing is a myth?
Joey: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Murray.
Chandler: Why? What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing He just *really* believes that.
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys. Ross did!
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing. Monica did!
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds!
Joey: I love you guys. But not as much as I love America!
Ross: [downcast] You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: [looking thrilled] To hell with hockey! Let's all do that!
[Chandler, Joey and Ross are talking about Elizabeth]
Joey: Or you know, you could do...
[Pushes Ross into his fridge]
Ross: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!
Ross: What? How do you even know it's broken?
Joey: You think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me.
[Puts hand in fridge]
Joey: What do you know? It's broken! That'll be $400.
Chandler: Joey I saw you push him.
[Silence]
Joey: You pushed him!
Ross: Joey, I did not break this, okay?
[Sniffs inside it]
Ross: That has been broken for a while.
Joey: [Seriously] Hey Chandler, remember when I told you about our fridge?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.
Ross: Do not give him any money!
[Joey turns to Ross]
Joey: I'm not talking to you, you broke my fridge!
Joey: [to Ross, after Phoebe has manipulated them into doing something uncomfortable] So... we're walking down the street, and I turn to you and say, "Hey! Let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes!" Remember? And then, you turn to me, and you say, "Nah, let's just hang out at your place." Well, that was a nice move, dumbass!
Joey: [sonogram on hospital monitor] What are we supposed to be looking at?
Chandler: I don't know, but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
[Joey finds out Chandler likes his girlfriend]
Joey: Did you sleep with her?
Chandler: No, we just kissed.
Joey: That's even worse!
Chandler: How is that worse?
Joey: I don't know, but it's the same!
Joey: [to Phoebe] Would it be okay if I asked out your sister?
Phoebe: Why - why - why would you want to do that?
Joey: So that, if we went out on a date, she'd be there.
Joey: Boy, I tell ya - that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch.
[Joey raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him]
Ross: Why - why would I care about that?
Joey: No reason; I'm just saying that, uh... That's where I'll be.
[Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause, Ross decides to join him]
[Rachel walks out the door, without giving Ross a "good-bye"]
Dr. Ross Geller: What? I don't get a good-bye?
Joey: Lucky bastard!
Boy in the Cape: My friend told me you were giving out money.
Rachel: I was but now we got candy.
Boy in the Cape: I'd rather have the money.
Rachel: Well, that's not your choice. Happy Halloween.
Boy in the Cape: This isn't fair.
Rachel: Well, is it fair that all you had to do was put on a cape and I have to give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up.
Rachel: You shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You can't tell me to shut up.
Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh oh, here it comes again. Shut up.
Joey: Uh, Rach...
Rachel: No. I got it. I'm good, I got it.
[back to the kid]
Rachel: Now I had one more thing to say to you. Oh, right. Shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You're a mean old woman.
[crying, running away]
Rachel: No, wait, shut up. I mean don't cry. No I'll get my check book.
[runs after the kid]
Joey: Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Ross - if you had to, who would you punch?
Rachel: No one - they are my friends! I wouldn't punch any of them.
Joey: Chandler?
Rachel: ...Yeah, but I don't know why.
[to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Ramoray]
Joey: I am not Drake.
Ross: That's right! He is not Drake. He is...
[looks dramatically into the camera]
Ross: Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!
Erika: [believes it] Is this true?
[Joey is unable to answer, too shocked]
Rachel: Yes! Yes, it is true. And I know this, because... Because he pretended to be Drake, to... to sleep with me!
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't!
[Monica throws water in his face]
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
[Chandler throws water in his face]
Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well you know, I've been walking the same way since high school. You know how some guys walk into a room and everybody takes notice? I think I need a take-notice walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
Rachel: [Wondering how to ask a client out on a date] I don't even know how I would go about it.
Joey: Oh oh oh, what I do is uh, I look a woman up and down and I say, "Hey, how you doin..."
Rachel: [Annoyed] Oh, please.
Joey: [to Phoebe] Hey! How you doin...
Phoebe: [Phoebe pauses a moment then looks away, giggling and flattered] Just fine.
[Chandler is angry because Joey attempted to save Ross instead of him]
Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!
Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross!
Chandler: I do not hate Ross!
Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture.
Chandler: What picture?
Joey: [scowls] I don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing!
Chandler: I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but it could've been a bullet and you know, you didn't try to save me!
Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I... knew... you could take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he needs help. He's not street like us!
Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line.
Joey: [embarrassed] Well, no, not exactly! Alright, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. Alright? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich.
Chandler: From a bullet?
Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense...
Chandler: *Much* sense?
Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it!
Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich!
Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler, this is...
[Joey picks up the sandwich]
Joey: ...the greatest sandwich in the world!
[Chandler is no longer angry; instead, he is amused]
Chandler: [smiles] So you didn't, uh, choose Ross before me.
Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother!
Chandler: [beaming] Really?
Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me...
[Joey unwraps the sandwich and offers it to Chandler]
Joey: ...here.
Chandler: Thanks.
[Chandler takes the sandwich]
Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog!
[Chandler takes a bite]
Joey: How good is that?
Chandler: [with his mouthful] Oh-oi-ho, yeah!
Joey: See?
Chandler: Hm-hmm.
[Chandler is about to take another bite]
Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?
Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.
Joey: Yeah. With a bite!
[Joey takes the sandwich back]
Joey: Gee-e-e-eez!
Joey: Say we were a divorced couple and I got custody of the kid. Then say the kid dies and I have to get a new kid.
Chandler: [looking confused] Okay...
Joey: [pause] GIVE ME $400!
[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife]
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer.
Chandler: [to Joey] You know what? OK. Fine. Don't get up. You just sit right there. I hope you don't mind you know, my hand... right here!
[Chandler puts his hand right in front of Joey's face, annoying him]
Joey: Oh!
Chandler: [moves his hand back and forth while mocking Joey] Oh, not touching! Can't get mad! Not touching! Can't get mad! Not touching! Can't get mad!
[Joey gets mad and flicks some of his hummus at Chandler, but it misses and lands on Phoebe's dress]
Phoebe: [gets up] Oh my god! You rotten boys!
[the guys back away]
Chandler,8064: Sorry Phoebe.
Joey: I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: [frantically examines the stain] What am I gonna do?
Ross: No! No! Don't-don't rub it! Don't! What gets out hummus? What gets out hummus?
[as he speaks, Ross claps his hands and Monica enters the room]
Phoebe: [cries] Monica! Monica! You know what gets out hummus?
Monica: [pauses] If it *is* a new message, what is he calling to say?
Phoebe: [sarcastically] OK. Thanks. Yeah, I'll try that!
Joey: Sure, it's hard to forget...
- But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it.
- A lot of things happened on that trip...
- That we should never, ever talk about.
- What the hell happened on that beach?
- It's between us and the sea, Ross.
Rachel: Come on Joey, I'll buy you a new one. Alright, we'll go down to the store right now and we'll get you a new chair.
Joey: She's not even cold yet.
Rachel: So Joey, I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with tuxedos for the wedding Do you need one?
Joey: No, I'm performing the ceremony. I'm not wearing a tux.
Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?
Joey: Multicolored robes. Ooh and maybe a hat.
Rachel: Does Monica know about this?
Joey: I don't think so.
Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her?
Joey: I think we've all learned a lesson about who's disgusting and who is not. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my bucket.
[Picks up bucket of fried chicken]
Joey: I'm only eating the skins, so the chicken's up for grabs.
Phoebe: I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you.
Joey: Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks.
- Yes! You are so smart!
- Ha-ha-ha.
Joey: You guys are so cute.
- I know.
- All right. I'll see you in the morning.
- Both: Okay.
Chandler: So, if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: [looks down] No, that... that is not what we're saying.
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I... Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!
Ross: [talking about his threesome with Carol and Susan] Did you ever go to a party and think, "would anyone really miss me if I weren't here".
Joey: But still, Ross, your worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day.
Dr. Ross Geller: How sad are we?
Joey: Yeah, I know.
Chandler: Y'know what? We're not sad, we're not sad, we're just not 21 anymore. Y'know? I'm 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!
Phoebe: Alright, I'm gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very *hootie* place right now.
Rachel: Me neither.
Joey: Me too.
Monica: Guys, we bought the tickets.
Phoebe: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
Chandler: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Monica: So what's Phoebe like?
Phoebe: [thinks Monica is talking about her and tries to sound polite] I'm kind, caring and sweet. What's Monica like?
[Monica realises how unclear her question was]
Monica: Uh no. The *other* Phoebe. The one you went to go see?
Phoebe: [suddenly cheerful] Oh! I think she knows where my Dad is!
Joey: What?
Chandler: [almost at the same time as Joey] Cool!
Rachel: [almost at the same time as Ross and Chandler] Really?
Monica: Well where is he?
Phoebe: She was actually - she was pretending like she hadn't heard from him in years, but I found this picture on her fridge, and look! Isn't this what he would look like now?
[Phoebe takes a picture out of her pocket and shows it to her friends]
Monica: [gasps] Totally familiar.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller,8061: [one after the other as they look at they look at the picture] Oh yeah!
Monica: But why would she lie to you?
Phoebe: [Rachel offers her the picture and Phoebe takes it] I don't know, but we're having dinner tomorrow night so I figured, she's gonna tell me *then*. You know, maybe she'll want to give him time to... buy me presents.
[the friends agree and Phoebe puts the picture in her pocket]
Phoebe: [happily] So, you're all bored?
Dr. Ross Geller,8061: [almost in unison] Awww.
Chandler: Yes.
Phoebe: [happily] All right. I'm gonna close my eyes and point to someone and whoever I point to has to come up with something fun for us to do and we *have* to do it!
Joey: [hyped up] OK! All right! Fan out! Fan out!
[the friends spread out]
Phoebe: [happily] OK.
[Phoebe closes her eyes and spins round pointing with her right hand]
Phoebe: [enjoying herself] Ooh! You know, we could just do this!
[Phoebe stops spinning and opens her eyes and sees that she's point at Chandler]
Chandler: [unsure] OK. Um... we all have to... play Strip Poker.
Joey: [overjoyed] AH YES!
Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey: [warily] Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call!
[Starts to leave]
Joey: I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!
Rachel: [upset because Joey's just ruined the end of 'The Shining' for her] All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.
Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
Rachel: Beth dies.
Joey: [completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies?
[to Chandler]
Joey: If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Chandler: No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.
Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So, you got any moves?
Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that, then...
[breaks down laughing]
Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.
Joey: Come on, man, you never wanna do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler: That's not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!
Joey: The vicar won't be home for hours.
Rachel: [shocked] Joey, where'd you learn that word?
Chandler: [rushes in] Oh my god! Underdog has broken loose and is flying over the city!
Joey: The balloon?
Chandler: No, no... The actual cartoon character...
Joey: Hey Rach you want some sandwich?
Rachel: Oh! What is in that?
Joey: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.
Rachel: No, no with mayo that would make it gross.
[Monica passes out, drunk at her birthday party]
Phoebe: [Points towards her dress] OK, help me get this off.
Joey: Yeah!
Phoebe: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.
Joey: I didn't get it?
Phoebe: No. They said you '"... weren't believable as a human being." So, you can work on that.
Ross: Everything so far sounds great, Joey. Just remember, keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out, playing poker. No strippers or anything, okay?
Joey: You got it!
Ross: OK, see you later.
Chandler: Have fun planning your "mellow" bachelor party!
Joey: Well, there's gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers.
Chandler: He just said, "No strippers."
Joey: Oh. I chose not to hear that.
Ross: [after he's broken up with Carol] Hi...
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
[the Friends attend a lesbian wedding]
Joey: It just seems so futile. You know? All these women, and nothin'! I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Chandler: Now you understand how I feel every single day. The world is my lesbian wedding.
Amy: Uh, sure you wanna eat that?
Joey: [Annoyed] I'm curvy and I like it!
Joey: These Little Women... Wow!
Chandler: You're liking it, huh?
Joey: Oh yeah. Amy just burned Jo's manuscript. I don't see how he could ever forgive her.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm... Jo's a girl, is short for Josephine.
Joey: But Jo's got a crush on Laurie. Oh, you mean is like a girl-girl thing? 'Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining.
Chandler: N-no, actually, Laurie's a boy.
Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
Joey: I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.
Rachel: How do you make that dirty?
Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh,
[snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice]
Joey: Grandma's chicken salad.
Phoebe: [on phone] I have found a selfless good deed. I went to the park and let a bee sting me.
Joey: How is that a selfless good deed?
Phoebe: It makes the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee's happy and I am definitely not.
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you know the bee probably died after it stung you?
Phoebe: [stares blankly] ...Dammit.
[hangs up]
Rachel: [introducing her cat] Check it out.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, my God. What is it?
Joey: What the hell is that?
Rachel: It's a cat.
Joey: That is not a cat.
Rachel: Yes, it is!
Dr. Ross Geller: Why is it inside out?
Rachel: Excuse me, but this is a purebred, show-quality sphinx cat!
Joey: [pointing out what's girly since Janine moved in] My towel isn't on the floor where it belongs. It's up here. It smells different.
Janine: I washed it when I did the laundry. It's clean.
Joey: It feels different.
Janine: It's dry.
[Joey walks into Monica and Rachel's apartment and does a dance step on the way]
Rachel: What was that?
Joey: What?
Rachel: You just did a little dancy thing.
Joey: No, I didn't.
Monica: Yeah you did. You did a little hop.
Rachel: You are so enjoying this.
Joey: No, I'm not. And it wasn't a hop. It was a pas de bourrée.
[Joey covers his mouth in embarrassment and Monica and Rachel laugh even harder]
Joey: We could just tell them we know, now all the lying and secrets will finally be over.
Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.
Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y'know what's a good visual aide?
Dr. Ross Geller: Please don't say naked chicks.
Joey: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: I-I-I don't even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y'know what? I'm just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks!
Chandler: That's the way I did it 'til I was nineteen.
[Ross looks at him]
Chandler: All right, twenty.
[Joey looks at him]
Chandler: Twenty-three.
Joey: Who loses fifty-seven coin tosses in a row? You know, heads she wins, tails I lose.
Joey: Wait a minute...
Chandler: Yes Joe?
Joey: I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning!
[Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]
Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
Joey: Oh, you do?
Phoebe: Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
Joey: I know. I mean it's Rachel. Not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.
Phoebe: Ohh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
[under her breath]
Phoebe: Beat me over the head with it, why don't you.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Yeah. I mean I've had them for all you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us girls, right?
Joey: No, not really.
Phoebe: [under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?
Joey: [trying to convince Ross to let him appear in a commercial instead of Ben] Come on, Ross! I should be in this commercial! Even Chandler thinks so!
Ross: Is this true, Chandler?
Chandler: Uh... um... Hey, who's that at the door?
Chandler: [gets up and answers the door; no one's there] Oh - hi, no one!
[Chandler bolts out the door]
Phoebe: [entering in an elegant yellow dress] Hello.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: Whoa.
Ross: Wow, hello. You look great.
Phoebe: Thank you. I know, though.
Chandler: Hey, anybody need anything copied. I'm going down to the Xerox place.
Monica: No thanks.
Chandler: Ok listen, just give me anything I can make two of.
Monica: Well, if you don't have anything to copy, why are you going down there?
Joey: Are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring?
Chandler: Yeah. You wanna come?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: [Rachel and Amy get into a cat fight at Thanksgiving] My God! Somebody do something! Stop them!
Joey: What? Stop them? Throw some jello on them!
Joey: Remember when your mom used to drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon?
Rachel: [pause] You're so pretty.
Joey: Hey, what do you got there?
Rachel: [wanting to keep the cheesecake to herself] Oh - it's, um... it's tofu cake. You want some?
Joey: [disgusted] Ngyaah!
Rachel: See? Unisex.
Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago.
Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
Joey: I wouldn't say no to that.
Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey: Everyday use...
Chandler: Fancy...
Joey: Guest...
Chandler: Fancy Guest...
Ross: Two seconds.
Joey: Uh, uh... Eleven.
Ross: Amazing. Eleven is correct.
Chandler: Am I a Mark or a John?
Joey: Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney.
Joey: What are you staring at?
Chandler: Oh nothing. It's just that your overcoat sounds strangely like Brent Musburger.
Joey: The casting director doesn't talk to friends! She only talks to agents!
Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead.
Phoebe: [about rugby] She's right. You have to stop.
Dr. Ross Geller: No, no, I'm not stopping. I'm Red Ross.
Joey: Dude, you go back out there, you're gonna be Dead Ross.
Rachel: The sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler, the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
Joey: Ooh, I like that. Oh! Ok, show him your bra. He's afraid of bras, can't work 'em.
[Joey unbuttons Phoebe's sweater with one finger]
Phoebe: Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons.
Joey: It's not my first time.
the Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days of Our Lives", what other soap operas do you watch?
Joey: Oh, I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse me, I have a life you know.
the Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that.
Chandler: Hey, Joey. Playboy published my joke.
Ross: No, it's MY joke.
Chandler: No, it's mine.
Ross: No, it was MY joke.
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. You guys. You know they put pictures of naked chicks in there, right?
Phoebe: [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report BE any later?
Chandler: I don't sound like that.
Joey: Oh, yes, you do.
Ross: The hills are alive with the sound... OF music.
Katie: You were so funny with that waiter. You're such a nut!
[Joey spills some of his coffee, scared]
Joey: You know, breadsticks fangs are always funny.
Katie: No, you make them funny
[starts to punch him]
Katie: You're the funny one.
Joey: Uh, look Katie, listen, we need to talk, okay? Uhm, I like you, I really do, I like you a lot, okay? But sometimes when you playfully punch me like that, it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but a very real bat.
Katie: Aw... like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size?
[Punches him harder]
Katie: DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME BECAUSE OF MY SIZE!
Joey: [with Chandler, to Monica, after she told them jokingly that she was wearing nothing but rubber gloves] You know, one of these times, you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over!
Rachel: If a guy just broke up with his girlfriend, how long do you think is an appropriate time to wait before you... make a move?
Phoebe: I'd say about, a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say three or four.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?
Joey: Yeah...
Ross: Well, like that, only that instead of a chair it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived.
Joey: You look like a freak. Yeah, awful.
- Both: Awful.
- Hey. What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- It's my new year's resolution.
- To blind my child?
- No, to take more pictures of all of us together.
- I really think it's the best resolution.
- Everyone can enjoy them.
- Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well.
Joey: [seeing he and Ross are wearing the same shirt] Stupid Gap on every corner!
Monica: So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall, short?
Joey: Yup!
Monica: Which?
Joey: Which what?
Monica: You've never met Bob, have you?
Joey: No, but...
Monica: Oh my god! Joey! For all we know, this guy could be horribly...
Angela: [Angela and Bob enter] Hey, Joey!
Monica: [gets a good look at Bob] ... horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now!
[after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom]
Joey: I'll just go pee in the street.
[repeated line]
Joey: London, Baby!
Rachel: Joey, what is wrong with your appartment? It's like a hundred degrees in there.
Joey: Did it make you want to walk around in your underwear?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Still not hot enough!
Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
Joey: I was just in the bathroom and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there, it's like your peeing with the Rockettes.
[Joey is trying to make Frank Jr. see sense]
Joey: Think about it... You're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's gonna be 88.
Frank Buffay Jr.: You think I don't know that?
Chandler: [Rachel is opening presents on her birthday]
[pointing out a gift]
Chandler: OK, this one right here is from me.
Rachel: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light...
[shakes it]
Rachel: ... it rattles... it's...
[opens it]
Rachel: Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you!
[she gives it back to him]
Rachel: [Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift] This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...
[opens it]
Rachel: ... it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Joey: [to Rachel] That book got me through some tough times.
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
Rachel: [Rachel picks up the next gift] Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh...
[opens it]
Rachel: ...
[sees it is a pin]
Rachel: Oh my God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
[pats his Travel Scrabble game]
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
Monica,8061: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel] What did you just say?
Chandler: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah... flennin...
Rachel: Oh... my God.
Chandler: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no...
Joey: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
Chandler: [Comes home to find all their possessions gone and Joey locked in the entertainment center] OH MY GOD!
Joey: [Yelling from inside the entertainment center] WHAT?
Chandler: [Walking to the entertainment center and letting Joey out] are you alright?
Joey: Aw man he said he wouldn't take the chairs!
Chandler: [shouting] what hell happened? how were you locked in and where the hell is all of our stuff?
Joey: This guy came by to look at the unit and he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man
Chandler: [suspiciously] So you got in there "voluntarily"?
Joey: I was trying to make a sale, oh man if I ever see that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?
Chandler: [shouting] Bend over?
Joey: [Phoebe walks into Central Perk in a black dress] Wow, you look... stop-eating hot! Which is like the highest level of hotness.
Monica: Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year.
Joey: What?
Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...
Joey: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
Joey: No, they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious.
Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this, is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.
Joey: But, it's the Knicks!
Chandler: Screw the Knicks!
Joey: Whoa!
[angrily points his finger at Chandler]
Joey: [pause]
Chandler: I didn't mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
[pause]
Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.
Joey: Yeah! The Knicks rule all!
[in mens' room]
Joey: Hey, Tall Guy. How's it going?
Tall: Good.
Joey: You know that girl who's your dancing partner?
Tall: Yeah, tell me about it. I was almost about to bring my wife.
Joey: Yeah, well, I kinda came with her. And, I hoping...
Tall: No.
Joey: Come on, man. I've been trying to ask her out for a month, now. I had this plan where I kiss her on the New Year's countdown.
Tall: I can see where you're coming from. But... no. Sorry she's fair game.
Joey: ...All right, that's fair.
[throws water at Tall guy's crotch]
Tall: Hey. What're you, in second grade?
Joey: Hey. You're the one wetting your pants.
- Do you have a problem with full-frontal nudity?
- Are you kidding me?
- I never rent a movie without it!
- Uh, okay, let me call you back.
- What's the matter?
- They want me naked in the movie.
- Wow.
Joey: I know.
- My grandmother's gonna see this.
- Grandma's gonna have to get in line.
Joey: Hey, Mon. I have a question... I don't see any tater tots.
Monica: That's not a question.
Joey: I used to get medical experiments done on me all the time!
Chandler: Ah, finally: an explanation.
Joey: Okay, Ross, you're gettin' a divorce, you're angry, you're hurtin'. Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints! Come on! You're single! Have some hormones!
Ross: But I don't want to be single. I just want to be married again.
[Rachel walks in wearing wedding dress]
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!
[Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom]
Joey: I'm hungry.
Phoebe: We could eat the wax. It's organic.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
Chandler: Because THAT would be crazy.
Joey: [Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with a cup of coffee for him] Morning. Here you go.
Ross: Thanks. Did you stay here all night?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: So you took off my pants and shoes?
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.
Ross: What do you mean?
Joey: Well, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. And clearly...
Ross: Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine!
Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're... You're Ross and Rachel.
Ross: Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that right? Has it been that long?
Joey: That's what I hear, yeah.
Ross: This is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel?
Joey: Come on, I mean, you know me, you know...
Ross: Joey.
Joey: I'm crazy about her.
Ross: And she feels the same way?
Joey: I think so.
Ross: Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved on.
Joey: Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay with it.
Ross: No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she?
Joey: No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me.
Joey: Hey, Ma, what're you doin' here?
Gloria: I came here to give you these...
[hands him a bag of groceries]
Gloria: ...and THIS!
[smacks him in the back of the head]
Joey: We're going to London, Baby
Chandler: That's not going to get annoying.
Monica: I can't believe you're nominated for an Emmy!
Joey: No, no
Monica: Oh, Soap Opera Digest Award?
Monica: No, I'm up for a Soapie.
Monica: Honey, is that something you're making up?
Monica: No, no, it's real, and it has been since 1998.
Joey: [after Phoebe tells everybody her mother is reincarnated in the cat she's holding] Phoebe's mom's got a huge...
Chandler: Let it go.
Phoebe: Joey, do you think your favorite animal says a lot about you?
Joey: No, 'cause goats can't talk.
Joey: Guess what job I just got?
Chandler: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
[pauses]
Ross: What?
Chandler: Blue blazer back. He wants it back.
Rachel: But, you said "black". Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler: Well, you know what I meant.
Monica: No, you messed it up. You're stupid.
Monica: [Referring to Emma] Why did you take her?
Joey: Because you two were having "sex".
Monica: No we weren't.
Joey: Don't you lie to me, I can tell by Chandler's hair.
Joey: [to Chandler] You are so lazy, can't you be on top for once?
Monica: [about the rumor Will and Ross started about her in high school] Rachel, everybody in school heard the rumor.
Rachel: You knew and you didn't tell me?
Monica: Well, I was afraid it might be true, you'd cry and then show it to me!
Rachel: [notices Joey staring at her groin] Joey, stop staring. There's nothing there. It's not true.
Joey: I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof.
Phoebe: What are you working on?
Joey: It's a "welcome home" sign for the baby.
Phoebe: [Pointing to a big smudge on the poster] Is that the baby?
Joey: No, I sat on the paint.
Mike: [Mike enters in] Hey.
Phoebe: What'd you have there?
Mike: It's a welcome home poster for the baby it'd be a lot better but I didn't have enough time to work on it.
Phoebe: [Mike unrolls the poster and shows everyone] Honey that's gorgeous.
Joey: [Jealous tone and facial expression to Mike] You know the baby can't read.
- What are you trying now?
Joey: The fruit roll-up.
- And?
Joey: Delicious.
- Joey.
Joey: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- We have a winner!
- What? Which one?
- The silly putty.
- Not so silly anymore!
Joey: Every inch of this is glued down, it'll take forever, just leave it.
Monica: You can't just leave it, you gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
[Joey puts the toilet brush over the hole]
Monica: That's nice, they can put it back there after the doctors remove it from your colon.
Joey: The Mr. Bowmont is here!
Joey: [Robert's 'goods' are on display as he reaches for a quarter in his sock. Chandler is pushing against Joey to 'keep away' from the sight] What are you doing? Get back on your side of the-
[sees Robert's 'show.']
Joey: Helloooo!
Joey: What if you saw a three-legged puppy?
Chandler: I'd be sad, sure - but I wouldn't cry.
Joey: OK; well, what if the puppy said, "Help me, Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me"?
Chandler: Cry? I just found a talking puppy! I'm rich!
Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler - when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?
Rachel: [sticking her head out of her bedroom] Uh... morning! Hey, you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
Joey: [grabbing his pants] Oh, no no no no no! I'm not falling for that again!
Phoebe: What's going on?
Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night...
Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?
Paolo: [coming out of Rachel's bedroom] Buon giorno, tutti!
Monica: I don't want a cat.
Joey: Don''t worry, it's not a cat.
Joey: Probably a residual cheque. Can you open it? I got...
[shows his hands tied with string]
Chandler: Benefits Lasped.
Joey: Thats weird. I don't remember being in a movie called "Benefits Lapsed."
Chandler: [chuckles] It's not a cheque. They are saying your health insurance expired cause... you didn't work enough last year.
Joey: What? Let me see that. Oh no! This sucks. When I had health insurance I could... catch on fire, you know or get hit by a bus. Now I gotta be careful?
Chandler: I know what you mean, man, there's never a good time to stop... catching on fire.
Joey: Well, I guess I am gonna go get a job, I'll see ya later.
Chandler: Ok, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
Joey: [mocking] Make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
[turns and walks into the door]
Joey: Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa.
Phoebe: What thing about Santa?
Joey: You know, that he doesn't exist.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Of course.
Joey: Okay, see you later.
[leaves]
Phoebe: Bye.
[stares, terrified]
[One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class]
Chandler: So, who is she?
Ross: I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous.
Joey: Well, do you still have their final exams?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer.
Chandler: A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man.
[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes]
[Just been told the patients date of birth]
Joey: Age...?
Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth?
Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.
Joey: I have two words for you: threesome.
Joey: [after meeting Rachel's sister] Hey, how you doing?
Rachel: [angrily] Don't!
Joey: Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I really need to talk to you.
Chandler: Yeah. Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?
Joey: Well, neither.
Chandler: Oh, my god. What's up?
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.
Joey: So, I'm thinking basically we pick it up, and then we flip it.
Joey: [muffled through tight lips over a cell phone to Chandler] Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm mm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm.
Chandler: Like that thought never entered my mind.
Joey: We all know what that sound means! Hungry Monkey!
[Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns."]
Joey: Ducks is "Heads", because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
Joey: Wh-what's complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance, you go past the Mudhut, through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail, and Boom! You're in Paradise Pond!
[Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone]
Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?
Chandler: No, I sent everyone home.
Monica: You are such a good boss.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.
Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler: Well, yeah...
Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.
Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the...
Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking.
[Talking about Joey's top hat]
Joey: Like you can find something as sophisticated as this.
Chandler: [Puts basket on his head] Done.
Rachel: Joey, you're such an amazing actor. How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake, they always tell me what to say, and with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
[Phoebe walks in and hits Joey]
The: Cut!
Phoebe: No, I'm mad at him! He slept with me and never called!
Female: Yeah, me too.
Female: Me too.
Joey: No, she means her character! We need some new extras around here...
Chandler: Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.
Joey: Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.
Joey: [to his acting class] To work in soap operas, some of you are going to have to become much more attractive.
Joey: [Chandler and Joey are sightseeing in London] Alright! Westminster Abbey. Hands down. Best Abbey I ever seen.
[Joey gets out his digital camera so he can take Chandler's picture in front of the Abbey]
Joey: Hey! Ok. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah, I think it's great. It's great. You know, they're thinking of changing the name of this place.
Joey: Really? To what?
Chandler: To put the camera away!
Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby.
[Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain]
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
Joey: [voice cracks] Chandler, I'm scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometimes before Friday.
Joey: But I don't wanna die.
Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys!
Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower?
Chandler: That's my girlfriend!
Joey: Hey, I'm dead!
Chandler: [muffled through tight lips on the phone] I'm trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre!
Monica: I have no idea what you just said.
Chandler: Put Joey on the phone.
[muffled on the phone to Joey]
Chandler: I'm trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre!
Joey: Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre!
- Is having Thanksgiving dinner with ugly naked gal.
Joey: I gotta see this.
- All: All right, ugly naked guy.
- Ooh, ugly naked dancing.
- It's nice that he has someone.
Joey: Don't you want to ask me some questions?
Chandler: What's up?
Joey: I'm an actor and don't worry, I'm totally okay with the whole gay thing.
Chandler: What gay thing?
Joey: You know in general, the whole "people being gay," I'm totally cool with that.
Rachel: You are having a party tonight?
Joey: I am kind of having a thing for the Days of Our Lives people.
Rachel: And you weren't gonna tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
Joey: I do it every year.
Rachel: You do it every year?
Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!
Rachel: That's why you got us tickets to that play! To get rid of us!
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: And last year, is that why you sent us to that Medieval times restaurant?
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: And the year before that, when you set up that nightime tour of that button factory!
Joey: I can't believe you guys went for that one!
Monica: [the Friends are at the beach] Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat.
Chandler: [to Joey] You know that's not really true.
Joey: Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie.
Chandler: Why? What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing; he just really believes that.
Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: I knooow.
Joey: Whaaaat?
Joey: What you doing here? I thought you guys took off.
Chandler: SHE took off. With my clothes.
Joey: So you are naked in there?
Chandler: Not exactly. I'm wearing panties.
Joey: Oh. So... you always wear panties?
Chandler: No, no. This is my first time.
Joey: Wow. Talk about toughh luck. The first day you try panties and someone run with your clothes.
Chandler: And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross look at any maps of the States or the globe in your apartment.
Joey: Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United States.
Joey: Who would you rather sleep with: Monica or Rachel?
Ross: ...Dude, you are sick.
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.
[repeated line]
Joey: It's not a cat!
Joey: You can't be having s-e-x while taking care of a b-a-b-i-e!
[Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide]
Rachel: But shouldn't you know what you're talking about?
Joey: Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period".
[everyone approves]
Ross: Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period.
Joey: Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic.
Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. I'm gonna ask you questions and you've gotta answer real fast, OK? What do you like better, action or comedy?
Dr. Ross Geller: Action.
Joey: Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: Dude, you are sick!
Joey: Oh, right, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing!
Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie.
Monica: Wow!
Joey: I know. My grandma's gonna see this.
Phoebe: Grandma's gonna have to get in line.
[Phoebe smiles at Joey]
Joey: [game show host voice] Choose a card, you jackass.
[Chandler fights with Joey over a chair]
Chandler: All right, fine, you know what? We'll both sit in the chair.
[sits on Joey's lap]
Chandler: I'm soooo comfortable.
Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
Chandler: All right.
[jumps up]
Chandler: [to Monica] If you win, we'll give up the birds.
[Joey makes a shocked sound]
Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment!
Joey: Oooh!
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: The Irish jig guy?
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent from his body!
Joey: This has never happened to me before. I am an expert at taking off bras. I could do it with one hand. I could do it with my eyes closed. One time I just looked at one and it popped open.
Phoebe: So I figured it out.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. 'Cause I'm not sexy enough.
Joey: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler. I said, "excellent butt, great rack"
Phoebe: Really, that's so sweet, and I'm officially offended.
Ross: Hey! I am not unemployed, I'm on sabbatical.
Joey: Okay Ross, don't get all religious on me!
Chandler: You're right. I have no excuses. I was totally over the line.
Joey: Over the line? You... you... you're so far past the line that you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Reading his speech to Charlie] ... By using CT scans, and computer imaging, we can in a very real way bring the Mesezoic Era into the 21st century.
Charlie: [In astonishment] It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, and you know what, that'll be even better tomorrow because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet.
[opens the door for Joey, Chandler and Rachel]
Joey: Hey guys!
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Joey] The chocolates aren't here yet.
Joey: [Walks in in disappointment] Dammit!
Charlie: [to Joey] Ross just read me his speech. It's fantastic.
Chandler: [to Charlie] Oh, is it on the computer? 'Cause I'd like to give it a read.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Chandler] If you want to check your email, just ask.
Chandler: What?
[Realizing Ross caught his bluff]
Chandler: 'Kay.
[Friendlily pats Ross on his chest]
Rachel: You know, Joey, I could teach you to sail, if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen, my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.
Chandler: What else you got? Magazines, Doritos... Condoms?
Joey: Hey, you don't know how long where going to be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler: That's nice.
Joey: Nice.
Ross: No no, WITH him. I'm on this field and they hike me the baby. I know I've got to do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay has got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us and so I... I just heave it downfield.
Chandler: What are you crazy, that's a baby!
Joey: He should take the sack?
Phoebe: I have the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Monica: We're not having cake. We're having flan.
Chandler: Excuse me?
Monica: It's a festive custard Mexican dessert.
Joey: Great idea. "Happy birthday, Rachel! Here's some goo!"
Ross: [Playing Pictionary, Rachel draws a bean] bean... bean
Joey: The Unbearable Lightness of Being!
Rachel: Yes!
[They are reminiscing on their worst Thanksgivings, Phoebe remembers some from past lives]
Joey: Hey, how come I can't remember my past lives?
Phoebe: That's cause you're brand new honey.
Joey: [Joey and Chandler are laughing at Ross' changes to the answering machine] You're fake laughing too, right?
Chandler: Only the tears are real.
Joey: Oh, sorry. Did I get 'ya?
Chandler: No, you didn't *get* me! It's an electric drill! You *get* me, you kill me!
Joey: Calm down, do you want this unit or not?
Chandler: I do not want this unit
Joey: You should've said something before, I'm not a mind reader
Chandler: You're telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?
Joey: Yeah!
[thinks a bit]
Joey: Oh my god. Is this what it's like to be you?
[repeated line]
Joey: How you doin'?
Ross: Meat on a dessert? That is not possible.
Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam? What is up with that?
Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
[Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this]
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early, " did you mean 1986?
Dr. Ross Geller: [he and Joey are trapped on the roof; yelling and waving his arms to no one in particular on the street below] HELP US! PLEASE HELP US! WE'RE STUCK UP ON THE ROOF, AND WE CAN'T GET DOOOWWWN!
Joey: [calmly] Ross... I was thinking we just go down the fire escape.
[gestures to the fire escape, then gestures climbing down]
Dr. Ross Geller: [also calmly] I know, I wasn't finished.
[Joey gives a look as if to say "aw, gotcha"; Ross turns back to the street below and continues waving and pointing to the fire escape]
Dr. Ross Geller: BUT DON'T WORRY!
[rhythmically]
Dr. Ross Geller: WE'RE GONNA GO DOWN THE FIRE ESCAPE!
Chandler: [the girls are trying to keep their apartment after losing it in a bet with the guys] Open up, open up, open up!
[pounds on door]
Monica: We'll discuss it in the morning!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?
Rachel: We took our apartment back!
Phoebe: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
Chandler: We are switching back right now!
Monica: No we're not! We're not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don't know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don't wanna move again!
Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and...
Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Chandler: [next scene, Joey and Chandler are returning to their apartment, stretching while walking] Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
Dr. Ross Geller: [depressed] I don't want Rachel to hate me. I don't know what to do.
Joey: You want my advice?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yes, please!
Joey: You're not gonna like it.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's OK.
Joey: You got married too fast.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's not advice!
Joey: I told you.
- How long?
- Until we start to look very small.
- Okay. Break!
- Break!
Joey: Set, hike!
- Ross: One Mississippi...
- Switch! Switch! Switch!
Chandler: No, no, no, no!
Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know.
- You're gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.
Joey: Oh, yeah?
- If you're gonna make me choose between you and the hat, I choose the hat.
- Good choice.
- Thanks.
- Okay, look. All right, that's it, okay?
- I'm out of here.
- I'm not gonna be embarrassed anymore.
Ross: I'm kind of going through a dry spell, sex wise.
Joey: Oh... for, like, months?
Ross: Five, to be... lying. Six.
Joey: Six months? Oh, that's rough.
Ross: No, I mean, it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the small things in life, like the sound of a bird, and the color of the sky...
Joey: Sky's blue, Ross! And I had sex yesterday.
Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad. Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game.
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.
Joey: Listen to this: I went out with this girl last night. Halfway through our date, I realized I already slept with her.
Rachel: So basically, you've slept with all the women in New York, and now you're just going around again.
Joey: [about Rachel's assistant, Tag] If he doesn't like you, then this is all just a moo point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion, you know, it just doesn't matter. It's "moo".
Rachel: Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?
[last lines]
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter. And I want your *absolute honest* opinion. Okay? Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not reaching for her heaving beets.
Monica: What's a niffle?
Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beets.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right, so I'm not a great typist.
Dr. Ross Geller: Wait. Did you get to the part about his great throbbing pens? Oh, yes, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
Rachel: Forget it! Give it back!
[tries to grab back her pages of script amidst much laughter]
Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed.
Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!
Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.
Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.
Joey: Are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?
Joey: No, why?
Dr. Ross Geller: I just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn't have naked chicks on it.
Joey: Lets not forget, this is a woman who has sent you many lasagnas over the years.
Monica: No she hasn't.
Joey: Is it her fault if some of them didn't make it to you?
Joey: You're so talented.
Jessica: I am. I am.
[Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet]
Joey: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Wait.
[runs hands through hair]
Chandler: Oh, that's right. I'm *not* an eight year-old girl.
Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one?
Phoebe: [Thanksgiving dinner] Ooh, you got the bigger part. What did you wish for?
Joey: The bigger part.
Rachel: But Pheebs, you - you could still use the copy machine where I actually work. But just come by at lunch so that my boss doesn't see you, 'cause Kim will just freak out, and she already doesn't like me very much.
Chandler: That's weird, I don't think my boss likes me either.
Monica: Mmm... I don't think mine likes me either.
Dr. Ross Geller: Maybe it's a... universal thing?
Joey: Yeah, or maybe it's because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday!
[Rachel, Chandler, Monica and Ross think about this]
Chandler: Yeah, let's head off to work.
Joey: ...'Cause in Joey Tribbiani, you get a minister, and you get an entertainer. I'm a "ministainer!" There's no one better, there's no one greater!
Monica: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm, Joey... OMNI-potent.
Joey: You are? I'm so sorry.
Chandler: Hey. You're never going to believe what happened to me today. I went to the bank. Totally hot teller. And she didn't want to have sex with me in the vault!
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me. Woman pizza delivery guy comes and delivers the pizza, takes the money, and leaves.
Chandler: What, no 'nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are big'?
Donny: [playing "Pyramid", the category is "Things you find in your refrigerator"] Give me 20 seconds on the clock. Ready? Go.
Gene: [the word is "cream"] You put this in your coffee.
Joey: Uh - a spoon! Your hands! Your face!
Gene: It's white.
Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
Gene: It's heavier than milk.
Joey: A rock! A dog! The earth!
Gene: Pass.
Gene: [the word is "mayonnaise"] You put this on a sandwich.
Joey: Salami! Anchovies! Jaam.
Gene: It's white.
Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
Joey: Wow, what a cool job.
[Imitating the answering machine]
Joey: You have two new messages. Please pass the pie.
Chandler: [Chandler is waiting for his cyberchick to arrive] Where is she, where is she?
[grabs Rachel]
Chandler: Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
[Chandler then sits down]
Chandler: [gets up after noticing a beautiful blonde walking in] Oh, oh, oh, that's her.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after seeing her] Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler: [Chandler gets up] Oh my God!
Janice: [pause] OH... MY... GAWD!
[Chandler rushes over and kisses her]
Rachel: OH... MY... GOD!
[Chandler and Joey are being lazy in new recliners, and Chandler ordered pizza to be delivered to Monica's]
Chandler: Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
Joey: What if we have to pee?
[pause]
Chandler: I'll cancel the sodas...
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: Well, I like it.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: I mean, what's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!
Joey: [about his mismatched eyebrows] What the hell am I supposed to do?
Chandler: I'll help you out but you have to promise you won't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you.
Joey: What? What?
Chandler: Okay. You know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage? Well, I earned mine by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his "business partners."
[referring to his drag queen father's friends]
Joey: [laughing] Oh, my god.
Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help, Victor Victoria.
Joey: No, no, no. I do. I do. I need your help. But, Chandler, I don't know if I can take any more plucking. It hurt so bad.
Chandler: Not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe vera and my gentle self-loathing touch.
Joey: I've never been through the tunnel myself because the way I understand it, you can't go through it if you have more than one girl in the car but the way I see it, you face your fears same as anything else, you've got a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building, you've got a fear of bugs, get a bug, in your case you've got a fear of commitment so you go in there and be the most committed guy there was
Rachel: Amazingly that actually makes sense
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Sure jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind
Chandler: I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm going to be peeing every which way
[about Ugly Naked Guy]
Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out.
Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming.
Phoebe: Ooh, look! Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
Phoebe: [the gang rushes to the window] Ew...
Phoebe: OOH!
Rachel: That had to hurt!
Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys.
Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing. Y'know - you have a can, we have a can, and it's connected by a string.
Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.
Joey: ...Ross, to Rachel you'll never be just
[makes quotation marks with fingers]
Joey: "anybody".
Ross: There you go!
Joey: [makes quotation marks with fingers] "Thanks"!
Joey: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as roommates.
Chandler: Oh, I wish I had known you were going to do that. I ordered Chinese.
Joey: Oh. Oh, that's okay. Hey, actually, in a way it's kinda nice. You know, our last dinner together: Me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours!
Monica: Alright boys, last chance for the tickets.
Rachel: Otherwise I give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua.
Chandler: No thank you.
Joey: Wait wait wait wait wait, come on, come on, let's trade. The timing's perfect. I just clogged the toilet
Joey: The sky is blue, Ross, and I had sex yesterday.
[Joey enters the apartment carrying a bag]
Joey: Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
[Chandler looks at the bag]
Chandler: Yes, it is... at Office Max.
Phoebe: Well this looks pretty simple. Ok repeat after me, Je ma appelle Claude.
Joey: Je de coupe plough!
Phoebe: What is this? What's going on?
Joey: Oh good, can I tell her? Can I tell her?
Rachel: Well do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey's lewd version.
Phoebe: Joey's.
Joey: You've got to think about last night the way she does, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye
Phoebe: But she'll never know how he feels
Joey: Maybe that's ok maybe it's better this way now you can move on you've been trying to for so long and now you're on different continents maybe you can actually do it: finally get over her
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, that's true except I don't want to get over her
Joey: [Surprised] What?
Dr. Ross Geller: I want to be with her
Phoebe: Really?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah I'm going to go after her
Joey: What'd think she'll say?
Phoebe: My cab's downstairs I'll drive you to the airport
Dr. Ross Geller: [to everybody] Ok wish me luck you guys
Dr. Ross Geller: [about a book Rachel read] I don't know. It has trees and wind and some kind of sacred pool. I don't get it, but she's pretty upset by it.
Joey: This is why I don't date women who read.
[Chandler comes back with Chinese food, and finds everyone in the living room]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: You son of a bitch!
Chandler: Is it me, or have the greetings gotten downhill around here?
Phoebe: [watching "E.T."] You know what's sadder than this? "Bambi". I cried for three days to that. No, two - 'cause on the third day, my mother killed herself, so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler: See, now *that* I can understand crying over - but "Bambi" is a cartoon.
Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mom died?
Chandler: Yes, it was very sad - when the guy stopped drawing the deer.
Joey: In my experience, if a girl says yes to being taped, she doesn't say no to much else.
Joey: Aww, man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he's my roommate, she's gonna tell him what I did.
Monica: Well, what did you do?
Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell you that, it's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my whole life.
Monica: You know what, don't tell us. We'll just wait until Chandler gets home, because it'll be more fun that way.
Joey: C'mon. I got your secrets, I got their secrets; I got secrets of my own, you know.
Rachel: [rolling her eyes] You don't have any secrets.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Well, you don't know about Huggsy, my bedtime penguin pal.
Joey: [blushes, embarrassed]
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