The Best Susan Bunch Quotes

Dr. Ross Geller: [inspecting the books at Susan and Carol's place] Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course... Otherwise they don't let you do it.

- They're a little behind the times in colonial williamsburg.
- Ha, ha. Well, look, I better go before mommy starts weeping.
Susan: We love you.
- Bye, mommy.
- Ross: Have a good time.
- Okay, Ben.
- Ross.
- Yeah?

Ross: [talking about the baby's surname] Wait a minute, why is she in the title?
Susan: Because it's my baby, too.
Ross: That's funny, I don't remember you making any sperm!

- Oh, no. You said they could shoot the spot without you.
Susan: I thought they could.
- Working with children, which is really fulfilling.
- I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry.
Kristen: So I'm spending most of my time teaching science, heh...
- Which is funny because that wasn't even my major.

[first lines]
Monica: [presents baby shoes] Okay, these were expensive, and he's gonna grow out of them in 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist!
Phoebe: Aww! Look at these. Hey, Ben. "Just do it"! Unh!
[baby starts crying]
Phoebe: Oh, my God! Oh! Was that too much pressure for him?
Susan: Oh, is he hungry already? Aw.
Carol: [starts feeding with breast] I guess so.
Chandler: You know, it's...
[goggling the breast]
Chandler: Something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back.
Joey: [follows after Chandler out] Oh, uh, I gotta get one too.
Ross: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Chandler: We're just hanging out by the spoons... Ladle?
Ross: Will you guys grow up? This is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world.
Joey: Yeah, we know. But there's a baby sucking on it.
Ross: This is my son having lunch, okay? It'll happen a lot, so get used to it. If you have a problem, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it. Come on.
[guys come back]
Ross: Carol?
Chandler: Carol. I was wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
Carol: Sure.
Joey: [surprised] Uh... Does it hurt?
Carol: It did at first, but not anymore.
Joey: Chandler?
Chandler: So, uh, how often can you do it?
Carol: As much as he needs.
Joey: Oh, okay, I got one, I got one. Uh... If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

Ross: Damn it! This is all your fault! This was supposed to be like the greatest day of my life, you know. My son is being born and... I should be in there, you know. Instead I'm stuck in a closet with you.
Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.
Ross: No, believe me, no one has been waiting for this just as much as I have. Okay, and you know what the funny thing is? When this thing is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay. Where does that leave me?
Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. And who am I? There's Fathers Day, there's Mothers Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.
Ross: [exasperated] Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

Monica: Why are you being such a weenie? So he plays with a doll. You used to dress up like a woman.
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Monica: You used to dress up in Mom's clothes. You had the pink hat and the little pink bag.
Dr. Ross Geller: You're making this up!
Monica: How can you not remember? You made us call you "Bea".
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh God!
Susan: I've literally never been so happy.
Monica: Wasn't there a song?
Carol: Please let there be a song.
Monica: [sings] My name's Bea, I drink tea...
[She follows Ross who locks himself in the bathroom]
Monica: Won't you, won't you, won't you...
[opens the door]
Monica: ...Won't you dance around with me?

Ross: [Ross, Susan and Phoebe are stuck in a broom closet; Ross pounds on the door] Help! Help!
Phoebe: [singing] They found their bodies the very next day. They found their bodies the very next day.
Ross,3201: [louder] Help! Help!

Dr. Ross Geller: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liqueur?
Carol: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said Yeman.
Dr. Ross Geller: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like...
Carol: Great. That would be fine.
Dr. Ross Geller: Really? I had a whole speech prepared.
Susan: [sarcastically] Oh, shoot, that would've been fun.

Ross: I'm Ross Geller, and that - that's my boy in there.
[proudly puts his hand on Carol's belly]
Ross: And this is Carol Willard, and this is Susan Bunch. Susan is Carol's, uh...
[stammers, falters]
Ross: Who's next?
The: I still didn't get who Susan is.
Ross: Susan is... Carol's - Carol's - Carol's friend.
Carol: Life partner.
Ross: Life buddies.
Susan: Life lovers.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Carol: [explaining to the teacher] He's not living with me.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Susan: Carol, not me.
Ross: Uh, right.
Carol: It's a little complicated.
Susan: But we're fine.
Ross: Absolutely.