Top 50 Quotes From Annie Murphy

Johnny: This is worse. This is much worse.
David: You did this?
Johnny: No, I didn't do this! I tried to fix this!
Moira: Well, it... it is what it is.
Alexis: 'Kay, it looks like...
Johnny: I know what it looks like, Alexis. I know.
[camera pans out to reveal the town limits billboard, which now has a small sign attached that reads, "Don't worry, it's his sister."]

- Hey, you wanna see if you pass inspection?
- No thanks.
- It's a joke.
- It's a joke.
- If you wanna party in the back, though...
Allison: No.
- Well, I'm here all the time, you change your mind.

Alexis: Speaking of unfit homes, why do you live in a barn?
Mutt: What's wrong with living in a barn?
Alexis: [scoffing] Ummm, nothing, if you're a goat!

Moira: Where's David? I'm here David!
Johnny: David, we've come to take you home!
David: Yeah! After 3 days!
Moira: We didn't know where you were dear?
David: I text Alexis
[Johnny and Moira turn and stare at Alexis!]
Alexis: Oh my god! I'm sorry for not responding to like one text, David!
Alexis: DAVID!
David: Yeah?
Alexis: You know Mutt?
David: Yeah?
Alexis: Things just got really complicated!
David: What happened?
Alexis: We had sex!
Johnny: Okay Alexis, can we talk about this later?

Alexis: [referring to the cedar chest Mutt did all the work on] THAT'S a cute little wood thing, David!
David: Thank you - I made it!

Lawyer: There is something that the government has allowed you to keep.
Moira: The kids?
Lawyer: The kids are dependents, Moira. Johnny you bought a town in 1991?
Johnny: Yes, I bought that town as a joke for my son
David: Wait? You actually bought that town?
Johnny: Yes, I bought that town. How else could I get the deed?
Alexis: You could have just photoshopped the deed!
Johnny: Why would I photoshop the deed? The joke was owning the town?
Moira: Oh stop it John!
Johnny: That was the joke!
David: Oh my god!

Marisa: [hearing the doorbell ring and opening the door] Immigration?
Reposession: Revenue.
Marisa: Mrs. Rose! There are people here from the government.
Moira: [shrieking] I've been gutted. John, I've been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life.
Johnny: Well, how do you think I feel, Moira? Eli was family, for god sake! "Leave your finances to me," he said! Son of a bitch.
Alexis: Baby, it's crazy, people are just, like, taking our stuff!
[shouting into her phone]
Alexis: I said they're taking our stuff! Can you just step out of the club for a second, please?
[notices a CAS agent taking off with her purses]
Alexis: Hold on, hold on. Those bags are not for you. My boyfriend bought those for me, so theoretically, they are his.
Reposession: Please, sir, can you step aside?
David: No, you step aside! YOU STEP ASIDE! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life. DESTROY ANOTHER PERSON'S LIFE! Where are you taking that?
Moira: My very soul has been kidnapped, there's no ransom. NO ONE'S COMING TO SAVE ME!
Johnny: We've got 15 minutes to collect our personals. Can we pick up the pace?

Ted: [as he sits in front of Alexis] Apparently I only have 2 minutes to do this, Hi, my name is Ted, I'm newly single, and I'd be kidding myself that I've been wanting to do this every single day for the past 2 years.
Alexis: Do what?
[Ted grabs Alexis by her hand and helps her to get up. He plants a long and passionate kiss on Alexis's lips and the other singles start playing musical chairs while Ted and Alexis are still kissing]

Johnny: Alexis, what the hell is the matter with you?
Alexis: Okay... Stavros is flying in to get me and I am going to go live with him for a little bit.
Moira: Well, that is not happening. And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous, whore.
[Turning to Twyla]
Moira: Oh, hello!
Twyla: Hi, I'm Twyla, I'll be your waitress today. Anyway, I read about you guys, and everything you've gone through, it sounds super crappy.
Johnny: Super crappy?
Twyla: I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing, he made a ton of money. It turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything.
Johnny: Hmm... not quite the same.

Johnny: Oh good, I'm so glad you two are still here. We're going to need your room so pack up!
Alexis: Um no!
David: Absolutely not!
Johnny: The motel is sold out and we're unable to remove a body and disinfect room 4 in time for check-in.
David: Okay, every word of that sentence made me sick!
Moira: I agree with David. We must move on from all of this.
David: Did I say that?
Moira: There's no use wasting time finding out what happened?
Johnny: We're not trying to find out what happened Moira. We're trying to find a solution and I'm going to need to family's help
Alexis: Why can't they stay in your room?
Johnny: It will take a day just to rebox your mother"s wigs!
Moira: Oh my god! Can you imagine? Not one of you is trained!
Johnny: Okay, bottom line is we need your room so pack your things and we're going to set you up in our room!
Moira: Okay, I've never just packed a bag so you might just have to give me a minute.
Alexis: Yes, and I'm going to be sleeping somewhere else!
David: Same!
Alexis: Like literally anywhere else.
David: Like an old tent on the side of the highway.
Johnny: Alright enough let's just get going, please.
Moira: Yes! Yes! Plenty of work to be done. Unfortunately, my previous engagements preclude me from offering my beneficence around the motel today! JOHN I HATE TO LEAVE YOU LIKE THIS!
Johnny: Yeah, I know Moira! Busy! Busy! I want to room cleaned up in an hour!
David: Okay, I'm going to need some dry cleaning bags and a padlock.

Mutt: Did you ever find yourself in a relationship where you're cheating...
Alexis: YES!
Alexis: - with someone in your dreams?
Alexis: What? Oh...

Alexis: I once passed a mini-horse and three guinea pigs as service animals, so anything's possible.

Johnny: Moira! Hurry up!
Moira: It's 6:00 AM John! I'm moving as fast as I can! Roland said that he had a going away gift for us but I guess he forgot?
Alexis: Well, I for one would not have missed this for the whole wide world.
David: You're only saying that because you haven't gone to sleep yet.
Stevie: I'm going to miss your Mr. and Mrs. Rose
Johnny: [Hugging Stevie] Thank you, Stevie, that's awfully nice.
Moira: Nice as the smell of the liqueur wafting from your breath.
Stevie: I too haven't gone to sleep yet.
Johnny: Bye Stevie, take care of the place Stevie, and when you get a chance, Room 7 needs a turndown.
[He hands Stevie the keys]
Patrick: Well, safe travels Mr. and Mrs. Rose. David and I can't wait to host you at our house when you come back to visit.
Johnny: Thank you, Patrick.
[Hugs Patrick]
Moira: A courier is coming for the bulk of the luggage.
Alexis: Yes, we know!
Moira: And make sure the girls are delivered in a...
Alexis: Temperature-controlled cargo container!
Johnny: Okay, bye kids!
[Johnny hugs David]
David: [David hugs Johnny] Bye! See you soon!
Moira: Bye! I love you.
[Moira hugs David]
Alexis: [Alexis hugs Johnny] Bye dad!
Johnny: Bye honey!

Alexis: As if I didn't see this coming. He's broken up with me five times already. Like, there was that time that he never met me in Rio. And remember that time that he gave me his ex-wife's engagement ring? And then, last summer, that time that he left his molly in my glove compartment, and then I got arrested?
David: Can you do me a huge favor? And never repeat this to anyone that you respect, okay?

Alexis: Hey!
Ted: Hey, Alexis!
Alexis: I just wanted to say "Hey" and I'm here and I got your text!
Ted: [Short pause] What text?
Alexis: Wait that wasn't for me? Now that I think about it?
Ted: [Looking at his phone] Oh! That was for Heather. She wanted to know if I wanted scones or bagels?
Alexis: I just came here to say "hey, dummy!"!
Ted: You didn't have to come here and tell me that. You could have just sent me a text.

Alexis: Mutt, I'm going to ask you one last time... why did you take that extra community service?
[Alexis tries to leave. Mutt grabs Alexis by her hand and pulls her in close to him and kisses her]

Alexis: At present, he's just coming for me, but then I figured that we would just come and grab you guys at some point.
David: What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit-soaked dump to galavant around the world with her dumb, shipping-heir loser boyfriend she's known for 3 months?
Alexis: Um, David, it will be 4 months next month.
David: Oh my god!
Alexis: And he just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" at some point sometime soon, so...
David: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling mom. I'm telling mom and dad! Have you told them?
Alexis: No, David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity. Okay? Otherwise, dad's gonna cry and mom's gonna do that thing where she... where she pretends that nothing's wrong and then just doesn't talk to me for five months, and I don't want that.

Johnny: Kids, we just came in to say good night, and, uh, to remind you that we will get through this...
David: Okay, good night.
Johnny: ...as a family.
David: Warmest regards to you both.
Johnny: And that we will end up on our feet in no time.
Moira: Of course, by then, our feet will be shoeless, and filthy and mangled from walking on cigarette butts and broken beer bottles. So, seriously, Alexis, enough about Stavros.
Alexis: I'm sorry if I am going through something right now.

Johnny: Well, Alexis, if you must know, when I was checking Cheryl in this morning, I-I got a bit of a vibe.
Alexis: Ew, what kind of vibe?
Johnny: I think I might've gotten... a whisper... of desire.
Alexis: Whisper of des...? Oh my God! Please never use that phrase like, ever again.

Patrick: [playing Spin the Bottle] Yeah, it actually looks like it sorta landed between two people.
Ted: No, no, no, no! I know exactly who it landed on.
Alexis: Oh, Ted! That's not okay.
Ted: Man, come here, big guy!
[kisses David on the lips]
Alexis: Oh my fucking G-d.
Patrick: It looks like the punch needs a refill.
Ted: Oh hey, I could use a refill too, big guy.

David: [moving Alexis' suitcase] Well, I need this bed. I need it, so.
Alexis: [moving it back and forth as they argue] You know what, David? You get murdered first for once.
David: No, you get murdered first.
Alexis: David, you get murdered first.
David: No, you. You do it.
Alexis: Yes, you get murdered first.
[in their room, Johnny and Moira hear them through the wall]
Alexis: David, you get murdered first.

Allison: [bitterly, to Kevin] You always find a way to win.

Johnny: Talk to the hand, David, because the ears are no longer working
Alexis: That's... not how it works...

David: I need that bed.
Alexis: Why?
David: Because I need it.
Alexis: Why?
David: Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to murder us, they would attack this bed first, so I need this bed.
Alexis: So you're saying that you want me to get murdered first? In front of you? And then what would you do? Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out, on the floor?
David: Uh, sort of, that was the plan, yeah.

Alexis: Well, part of me is wondering if we even need those vaccines.
Ted: Come on Alexis, it's just a quick needle - think of it like botox.
Alexis: Ewww, Ted - what am I, 32?
[hair flip]

Klair: Oh my god! Alexis?
Alexis: Oh my god! Klair?
Klair: Oh my god! I know this girl! How are you babe!
Alexis: I'm good.

David: Hey can you spare some... Oh my god! OH MY GOD!
Moira: [Shrieks] DAVID! OH!
Alexis: Oh my god what's going on?
David: Oh my god! I saw hell is what's going on. Oh my god! Oh my god!
Johnny: David what you just saw was your mother and me having a very intimate moment
David: I know what I saw I cannot unsee that!
Johnny: And I refuse to feel guilty about being in bed with my wife.
Alexis: Oh my god, you poor thing.
Moira: I hate to tell you this but having sex isn't just about having children so that they can grow up and make you feel guilty about it.
Alexis: OH MY GOD CAN YOU STOP THIS PLEASE?
Moira: I will NOT be shamed. Shame on you
David: Shame on you for attempting that position at 8:00 in the morning.
Johnny: Do you know just how hard it is to share a wall with the two of you?
David: I do now.
Johnny: Now if you two don't mind we are going back into our room and don't even think about opening that door.
Moira: [Glaring at Johnny] Oh, are you serious?
Johnny: Next time.
David: [Whispering] Oh my god!
Alexis: No, no, no, no, no!

Johnny: David!
Moira: David!
Alexis: David!
David: STOP YELLING DAVID! YOU COME HERE!

Stevie: [Knocks on Johnny and Moira's door] Mr. Rose, there's a dead body in room 4
Johnny: Stevie come in!
Johnny: I don't think that's a very relevant question, Moira. I mean we can't have people finding out that there's a dead body in the room
Alexis: Ooh!
Alexis: There's a dead body in the room?
David: I knew there was going to be a murder here so I'm just going to pack up and I assume we're moving out?
Johnny: No, we're not moving out and everybody calm down. There hasn't been a murder here
Stevie: The old man in room 4 died alone in his sleep.
David: Why do I find that scenario to be even more bone-chilling than murder?
Moira: Stevie, do we know how this man expired?
Stevie: Do I look like a coroner?
Alexis: I don't think you want that question to be answered.

Moira: I've got some good news family. You, know the photographer Sebastien Raine?
David: That's my ex?
Moira: Well, he's coming from New York to photograph me for a project that I'm working on. I wanted to go to New York for a change of scenery but he insisted that I respect his wishes.
David: He was a monster!
Alexis: Didn't you date him for 4 months?
David: Okay, it was 3 months not counting the times he was talking to other people.
Alexis: You were eating mall pretzels and watching Bridget Jones's Diary.
David: I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels!

Allison: When I'm around you, I feel -- I don't know -- fifteen, and I was a brat at fifteen. So I am sorry.

Alexis: Usually when someone sends a jet for you it means he's very interested in you, trust me... and Tiger Woods.

Johnny: I see somebody decided on a new recipe.
David: No; these are the enchiladas.
Alexis: Well, they kinda SMELL like enchiladas...
Johnny: [dubiously] Well, I, for one, can't WAIT to try them out!
[continúes eyeing the casserole]

Twyla: Feel free to use the restraints.
[Johnny groans]
Alexis: Pick a safe word!

Johnny: You know I meant to ask, Moira, what were the amenities like in that hotel room? High-pressured water, down pillows?
Moira: I'll never know. I had my one chance at a proletarian oasis and I squandered it, passed out in Roland's bed.
Alexis: [walking into her parents' room] You slept with Roland?
Johnny: No, she didn't. She found herself in his bed.
David: Mom slept with Roland?
Alexis: Yes. Apparently.
Moira: I will not be tried and condemned by the likes of you two.
David: So what's gonna happen now? Is there gonna be like a custody battle over us?
Johnny: David, stop.
Alexis: We gonna have to like spend weekends over at Roland's now, or?
Moira: Goodnight, Alexis.
David: Do we call him Uncle Roland?
Johnny: All right, that's enough, David.
Alexis: No. I mean, I get it, Roland is the mayor, and it's very difficult to work with someone who you're attracted to.
David: Yeah. Like you and Ted?
Alexis: No! I'm making fun of Mom and Dad right now, David.
Johnny: And we're done. Back to your room.
David: Um, I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.
Johnny: Good night.
David: Okay.

Johnny: David, help me with the doors.
David: No, I can't. I just got out of the shower.
Johnny: I need help with the doors.
Alexis: David, help him with the doors.
David: You help him with the doors.
Alexis: No.
Johnny: David, could you help me with the doors?
David: It's air drying.
Moira: Pick up a hammer and nail this coffin shut.

Alexis: Happy Anniversary!
David: Congratulations on your ongoing love for each other! You did it!
Moira: Okay, kids, that's enough. You sound like the incestuous Bloomfields.
David: Nice job.

Allison: Hey! It's late; what're you doing?
Kevin: Well, a plan as important as this can't wait. I got to jump into action; get serious.
Allison: So, you're going to the bar.
Kevin: There's a reason drinkin' rhymes with thinkin'. It's because I'm good at both.

Alexis: Hey, does this place have any king sized sheets?
Johnny: Alexis, what the hell are you doing?
Alexis: Just giving myself some more space. There's a lot going on in my life right now. Like, Ted keeps harassing me for an answer to the whole, "Am I gonna marry him?" thing, and then there's the whole Mutt issue, which is very complicated, and sexy, so I'm just - I don't know what to do!
Stevie: I take it you haven't heard from David...
Alexis: [dismissively] Okay, yeah, fine. And David's missing.

Alexis: So, you were just sitting in Patrick's car and you just leaned in and kissed him?
David: What part of this conversation do you not understand?
Alexis: Patrick wanted you to do that?
David: Yes
Alexis: And Patrick told you that he wanted you to do it?
David: Fall off a bridge, please?
Alexis: You've given me such a hard time dating Ted but you suddenly french your business partner the minute that he peeks his head out of the closet?
David: I'll have you know that this is the best first day of a relationship I've ever had.

Alexis: You can trust me.
David: Okay, can I? Because the last time I left you in charge of something...
Alexis: Ugh! This is about those stupid Tamagotchis?
David: Actually, it is.
Stevie: Okay, guys...
Alexis: You left me with six of them, David! Taking care of that many is like a full time job!
David: I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health! And by the time I came home, they were all dead. You have to, like, actively murder them in order for that to happen.

Ted: Look at this trash!
[angrilly slams local newspaper on the counter]
Alexis: [reading headline] "Community Center Adds Ramp...?"

Alexis: Why don't we try another game? Every time the vein in my brother's eye twitches, we take a drink.

Patrick: Why would he agree to do this if he's afraid of heights?
Alexis: He's not afraid of heights. He's afraid of butterflies and moths.
Ted: He's also afraid of nurses who wear running shoes!
David: Hey! I can hear you!

David: Nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing.
Alexis: I didn't go missing David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time!

Stevie: He's coming! He's coming!
David: Okay, he's coming, he's coming. We're going to shout out SURPRISE because HAPPY BIRTHDAY was too wordy and we couldn't nail it at the rehearsals.
Stevie: SURPRISE!
Patrick: OH MY GOD DAVID! You told me we were going out for a casual dinner?
Johnny: Happy birthday Patrick!
[Patrick hugs David then he goes over and hugs his parents]
Alexis: Happy birthday!
Patrick: What is going on? You told me you were out of town?
Clint: Well, we are!

David: [smiling] Oh my god!
Alexis: Oh my god! This is not cool. What are you two doing here?
Johnny: I don't care what kind of snarky comments you kids are going to make, we're all going to dance together as a family.
Moira: I just want to say that! I just want to say that...
Johnny: Well, just say it, Moira!
Moira: We love you both very much!
Alexis: [Touched] I love you too!
David: [Hesitating] I love you too!

Ted: Alexis Claire Rose, will you marry me
Alexis: Uh, uh... Yes!... If I was staying, then yes! A thousand times, yes! And if things were different and I wasn't leaving, um, then definitely yes!
Ted: So, is that a no?
Alexis: [rising inflection] Yes...?

Alexis: Dad, I've heard what you said but I think I can make it work.
Moira: What's happening?
Alexis: Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college.
Johnny: No that's not what was happening? I thought it was something else?
Alexis: What else?
Moira: Oh, he thought you were pregnant?
Alexis: What? Eww!
Johnny: We all thought that you were pregnant!
Alexis: Eww! That is so mean!
Moira: [as David walks into the room] There you are! Where were you all night?
David: Out.side, I was outside!
Johnny: A little past curfew?
Alexis: Ooh, burn David!
David: I was just processing Alexis's situation.
Johnny: David Alexis isn't...
Alexis: It's okay dad! Have your fun now David because when the twins arrive I'm going to need your help.
David: That's a hard pass!
Alexis: You're going to be so busy with them David!
David: Your body, your problem!
Johnny: David, Alexis isn't pregnant!
Alexis: Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!
David: Thanks! Thanks a lot!

Kevin: I got a big photo shoot this afternoon, and I want you there with me, baby.
Allison: I don't wanna be in photos.
Kevin: Oh no, I mean like to cheer me on. What do you think?
Allison: I think I'd rather fake my own death.