The Best Captain Quotes

Mr. Fibuli: The psychic interference transmitter, sir. There seems to be something counter-jamming it.
Captain: What? We dematerialize in three minutes!
Captain: [activating the P.A. system] All guards on alert! Someone is using a counter-jamming frequency projector! Find it and destroy it immediately!
Mr. Fibuli: Captain, do you suppose any of the guards know what a counter-jamming frequency projector looks like?
[the Captain considers for a moment, then...]
Captain: [into the P.A. system] Destroy everything!

Doctor: A plank?
Captain: The theory is very simple: You walk along it. At the end, you fall off. Drop one thousand feet... dead.

Captain: When someone fails me, someone dies!

[the Captain is unimpressed with a mining report]
The: Tah! Baubles! Baubles! Dross and baubles! We must find Visilium. We must find Madranite 1-5.
Mr. Fibuli: Well, sir, we have located a new source.
The: Excellent, excellent.
Mr. Fibuli: That's what caused the delay, Captain. We wanted to be absolutely certain. It's in an unexpected sector. Here, let me show you this chart.
[the Captain glances at it, then tosses it aside]
The: We'll mine it. Make immediate preparations.
Mr. Fibuli: Well, there is something rather curious, Captain. Uh, here is a detailed description of the sector.
The: [angrily casts the document away] I said, we'll mine it, Mr. Fibuli!
Mr. Fibuli: But sir...
The: Make immediate preparations - NOW! - or I'll have your bones bleached!

Captain: Wag your tongue well, Doctor. It is the only weapon you have left.

Captain: So, Doctor, you have discovered the little secret of our planet.
Doctor: You won't get away with it, you know.
Captain: Ah, what makes you so certain of that?
Doctor: At the moment, nothing at all, but it does my morale no end of good just to say it.

Captain: So, Doctor, you have survived.
Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid I seem unable to break the habit.
Captain: And your colleagues?
Doctor: My colleagues...
[makes thumbs-down gesture]
Captain: Excellent! And my Polyphase Avitron?
[Produces the dead robot parrot. The Captain is devastated]
Doctor: I'm sorry about that, but it was becoming an infernal nuisance.
Captain: [near to tears] Destroyed? BY THE GREAT PARROT OF HADES, YOU SHALL PAY WITH THE LAST *DROP* OF YOUR BLOOD. *EVERY CORPUSCLE*, DO YOU HEAR?

The: Moons of Madness! Why am I encumbered with incompetents?

Captain: Excellent, Mr. Fibuli, excellent. Your death shall be delayed.
Mr. Fibuli: Oh, thank you, again and again, sir. Your goodness confounds me.

The: Imbeciles! Fools! Thrice worse than incompetent idiots! What pernicious injury have you inflicted on my precious engines? Mr. Fibuli!
Mr. Fibuli: Captain!
The: Are you trying to scuttle this planet?

Doctor: You can't kill me while I'm helpless, you know.
Captain: Can't I?
Doctor: No, you can't, because you're a warrior and it's against the warrior's code. You should have thought of that before you tied me up.

Captain: [giving a tour of his trophy room] My trophies, Doctor. Feast your eyes on them, for they represent an achievement unparalleled in the universe.
Doctor: What are they? Tombstones, eh? Memorials to all the worlds you've destroyed?
Captain: Not memorials. These are the entire remains of the worlds themselves.
Doctor: [not really listening] You come here to gloat on the wanton destruction you've wreaked on the universe.
Captain: [to himself] I come in here to dream of freedom.
Doctor: [realizing what he said earlier] Did you just say, "the entire remains of the worlds themselves?"
Captain: Yes, Doctor. Each of these small spheres is the crushed remains of a planet. Millions upon millions of tons of compressed rock held suspended here by forces beyond the limits of the imagination, forces that I have generated and harnessed.
Doctor: That's impossible! That amount of matter in so small a space would undergo instant gravitational collapse and form a black hole!
Captain: Precisely.
Doctor: What? But Zanak would be dragged in to a gravitational whirlpool.
Captain: And why doesn't it? Because the whole system is so perfectly aligned by the most exquisite exercise in gravitational geometry that every system is balanced out within itself, which is why we can stand next to billions of tons of super-compressed matter and not even be aware of it. With each new planet I acquire, the forces are realigned, but the system remains... stable.
Doctor: [stunned] Then... It's the most brilliant piece of astro-gravitational engineering I've ever seen. The concept is simply staggering. Pointless, but staggering.
Captain: I'm gratified that you appreciate it.
Doctor: [offended] Appreciate it? *Appreciate it?* What, you commit mass destruction and murder on a scale that's almost *inconceivable,* and you ask me to appreciate it? Just because you've happen to have made a brilliantly conceived *toy* out of the mummified remains of planets!
Captain: DEVILSTORMS, DOCTOR! IT IS NOT A TOY!
Doctor: THEN WHAT'S IT FOR? What are you doing? What could possibly be worth all this?
Captain: By the raging fury of the Sky Demon, you ask too many questions. You have seen, you have admired; be satisfied and ask no more!