30 Best Dave Lizewski Quotes

Dave: Jesus, guys, does it not bug you? Like, thousand of people wanna be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spider-Man.
Marty: Yeah, what's with that? She has, like, no tits at all.
Todd: Maybe it's a porn tape, He doesn't have a porn tape.
Marty: You guys never saw "One Night In Spider-Man?"

Katie: You remember Malik?
Dave: Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange?
Katie: His baton is so much bigger than Kick-Ass'.
Dave: No.
Katie: Yeah. And by baton, I mean penis.
Dave: Yeah, I got that. Thanks.

Dave: What's the matter, Chris? Shit hit your shorts?
Chris: Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.

Dave: [voice-over] If I was even thinking about a Kick-Ass sequel, I had to get serious.

Dave: Like every serial killer already knew: eventually fantasizing just doesn't do it for you anymore.

Dave: How do I get a hold of you?
Hit: You just contact the mayor's office. He has a special signal he shines in the sky. It's in the shape of a giant cock.

Dave: [bumping into Goth Kid] Ow, watch it.
Goth: Watch me end your life!
Marty: Come on, forget it, it's just one of those dickheads that follows the Motherfucker on Twitter.
Dave: Who?
Marty: The Motherfucker. He's some guy planning to be the world's first super-villain. He's got, like, a thousand followers already.
Dave: What an asshole.

Dr. Gravity: This is the zero-G device I invented. It can levitate any object up to a ton.
Dave: For real?
Dr. Gravity: Hell no, man! This is a baseball bat wrapped in tin foil, but it fooled you!

Katie: Dave? What the fuck are you doing? Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?
Dave: Because I AM Kick-Ass!
Katie: What are you talking about?
Dave: I'm also not gay!
Katie: Fuck!

[last lines]
Dave: [voice-over] When Mindy left, that's when I finally understood where my life was going. Just like it had to eventually happen, that real people would try to be superheroes, eventually it had to end too. Superheroes can't exist in the real world for a reason. It's because the real world needs real heroes, and not some punk in a wetsuit playing dress-up, but a genuine badass who can really kick ass.

[first lines]
Dave: I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives, we all wanna be a superhero.
Dave: [a winged avenger dives to his death] That's not me, by the way. That's some Armenia guy with a history of mental health problems.

[Mindy kisses Dave]
Dave: What was that?
Mindy: That was my first kiss. Be nice or I'll rip your ass out through your mouth.

Dave: [voi e-over] Who am I? I'm Kick-Ass!
[six months earlier]
Dave: That's me, back before any of this crazy shit happened. I guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, but there's nothing special, either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or 3000 friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls -- and, out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed.

Mindy: Hit me.
Dave: You're a 15-year-old girl.
[Mindy slaps Dave]
Dave: What the hell?
[Mindy slaps Dave again]
Mindy: Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch.

Dave: What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker? Spider-Man gets the girl.

[first lines]
Mindy: A handgun bullet travels at more than 700 miles per hour.
[Mindy pulls a gun out]
Dave: Hey, whoa! Absolutely not! No.
Mindy: Look, if you don't want to do it, you don't have to do it.
Dave: Okay, good. I don't want to do it!
Mindy: Fine.
[Mindy shoots Dave in the chest]

Dave: This is awesome! I look like frickin' Wolverine!

[Dave sees Hit Girl studying security cam footage]
Dave: Is this Frank D'Amico's place? All that security? Are you crazy?
Hit: My mom already died for nothing, so I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing too.
Dave: You can't do this on your own.
Hit: Exactly. You wanna deal with owing my dad? Then shut the hell up and pick your weapon.

Dave: I want to team up, like Batman and Robin.
Mindy: Nobody wants to be Robin.
Dave: What's wrong with Robin? Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?
Mindy: Okay, Robin wishes he was me.
Dave: What I'm trying to say is we should be partners, you and me, like the dynamic duo.
Mindy: I'm in the NFL, Dave, and you play pee-wee.
Dave: So train me. I want to walk the walk, and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero. Aren't you tired of being on your own? Don't you want to know someone's there for you? Someone who's got your back?

Dave: You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad.
Chris: Your dad? You blew up my dad with a bazooka.

Dave: Fuck you, Mr. Bitey!

Todd: Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist, who do you think would win in a fight?
Marty: Why are they fighting? That seems stupid.
Todd: [to Katie] What do you think?
Katie: I don't know, but I think Kick-Ass is cuter.
Dave: [laughs] Really?
Katie: Mm-hm. I for one would definitely fuck his brains out if I got the chance.
Dave: You would?
Katie: Definitely.
Dave: You, uhh... you like checkin' out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's, like, a shoe designer, can't get a guy? I think we can make the next showing maybe...
Katie: Hell, yeah.

Dave: What is wrong with you, dude? This is not a comic book. This is real life! When you're dead, it's done. There's no sequel.
Chris: You made this real. You started it, and I'm going to end it! I'll be immortal, like an evil Jesus!

Dave: [in disguise] I'm the whitest pimp ever.

Dave: If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.
Hit: And if it wasn't for you... my dad wouldn't be.

[montage: practicing his superhero lines in front of a mirror while in costume]
Dave: Oh, no, I'm just standing around, you know.
[whips out his sticks]
Dave: No, I'm not! Yah!
Dave: [voice-over] It is what it is.
Dave: [waves the sticks wildly] How 'bout that, huh?
[takes out his sticks again]
Dave: Oh yeah! Didn't see that, did ya? Think it's best if you just walk away. Well maybe you shouldn't do that. What? Huh? You looking at me? Well, this IS my business.

Dave: I'll be honest. There wasn't a whole lot of crime-fighting in those first few weeks, but even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy. I called it preparation, but if you called it fantasizing, it would have been hard to argue. All I knew was... I never felt so good about myself.

Dave: [voice-over] Even with my metal plates and my fucked up nerve endings, I gotta tell ya, that... hurt -- but not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind: Katie, my dad, Todd and Marty, and all the things I'd never do, like... learn to drive, or see what me and Katie's kids would look like, or find out what happened on "Lost." And, if you're reassuring yourself that I'm gonna make it through this since I'm talkin' to you now, quit being such a smart-ass. Hell, dude, you never seen "Sin City?" "Sunset Boulevard?" "American Beauty?"

The: Eat a dick!
Mindy: You're going to eat yours if you don't start talking.
The: Go ahead and shoot me, you little bitch. There's nothing you can do to make me talk.
[Mindy pistol whips The Tumor]
Dave: Hold on. I can't do this right now. It's my dad's funeral.
Mindy: Dave, your father loved you... just like my daddy loved me, and I know it hurts but maybe... maybe that's the real meaning of being a superhero. It's taking that pain and turning it into something good. Something right. Remember what you told me? This is your life. You've got to live it. Now help me find some pliers. I'm going to make this guy eat his own dick.
The: Seriously?

Hit: [after Hit Girl and Kick-Ass land on the roof of Mindy's building with the jet-pack] Thanks, Kick-Ass. My daddy... he would have been proud of both of us.
Dave: [removes his mask] Dave.
[extends his hand]
Dave: Dave Lizewski.
Hit: [smiles] I know that, dumbass.
[chuckles, then removes her own wig and mask]
Hit: Mindy... Mindy Macready.
[she extends her own hand and they shake as both a formal introduction and recognition of their new partnership]