Top 50 Quotes From Kick-Ass

Todd: Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude.
Marty: She looks like she's about eleven years old but...
Todd: I can wait! I solemnly vow to save myself for her.
Marty: I can see this could be really difficult for you.

Huge: [barging into Frank's office where Frank almost shoots him] Whoa! It's only me, boss. Everything's under control.
[slowly creeps over to the bazooka while Frank and Chris stare at him]
Chris: Un... under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, you dumbass!
Huge: [looks at Frank] Sir?
Frank: Do it.

[montage: practicing his superhero lines in front of a mirror while in costume]
Dave: Oh, no, I'm just standing around, you know.
[whips out his sticks]
Dave: No, I'm not! Yah!
Dave: [voice-over] It is what it is.
Dave: [waves the sticks wildly] How 'bout that, huh?
[takes out his sticks again]
Dave: Oh yeah! Didn't see that, did ya? Think it's best if you just walk away. Well maybe you shouldn't do that. What? Huh? You looking at me? Well, this IS my business.

[Dave sees Hit Girl studying security cam footage]
Dave: Is this Frank D'Amico's place? All that security? Are you crazy?
Hit: My mom already died for nothing, so I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing too.
Dave: You can't do this on your own.
Hit: Exactly. You wanna deal with owing my dad? Then shut the hell up and pick your weapon.

Chris: You better fire this asshole!
Frank: Ignore him, S.. A bazooka?
[the huge goon nods]
Frank: Okay.

Dave: [voiceover] The world I lived in, heroes only existed in comic books, and I guess that would have been okay -- if bad guys were make-believe, too... but they're not.

Todd: Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist, who do you think would win in a fight?
Marty: Why are they fighting? That seems stupid.
Todd: [to Katie] What do you think?
Katie: I don't know, but I think Kick-Ass is cuter.
Dave: [laughs] Really?
Katie: Mm-hm. I for one would definitely fuck his brains out if I got the chance.
Dave: You would?
Katie: Definitely.
Dave: You, uhh... you like checkin' out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's, like, a shoe designer, can't get a guy? I think we can make the next showing maybe...
Katie: Hell, yeah.

Dave: How do I get a hold of you?
Hit: You just contact the mayor's office. He has a special signal he shines in the sky. It's in the shape of a giant cock.

Hit: So, you wanna play.

Big: Take cover, child!

Leroy: [to Kick-Ass] Who the fuck you supposed to be, The Green Condom? You know it ain't Halloween for another few months, kid?

Frank: [in falsetto voice] Mommy, I want a Kick-Ass party!
[normal voice]
Frank: Dumb little fucks.

[Chris hands his father a list]
Frank: What the hell is this?
Chris: It's-it's everything I need, and... you may have to screw someone over, like Louie or something.
Big: Louie? Whoa, hey, Chris, uh-uh.
Chris: Or... or somebody. It doesn't have to be Louie.
Big: [clicks fingers] Tony.
Chris: Tony.
Frank: Tony?
Chris: I hate Tony.
Big: Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.
Chris: I-I swear, Dad, if you let me do this, it's gonna work.
Frank: [takes a moment then hands the paper back] Tony.

Cody: [to Big Daddy] Let me out now? I gave you all them names and addresses. Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody. You and your crazy midget friend can go bash whoever you want. Hey, come on. Hey, I know some very bad people up town. Really nasty individuals.

Dave: I'll be honest. There wasn't a whole lot of crime-fighting in those first few weeks, but even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy. I called it preparation, but if you called it fantasizing, it would have been hard to argue. All I knew was... I never felt so good about myself.

Diner: The fuck is wrong with you, man? You'd rather die for some piece of shit that you don't even fucking know?
Dave: Than three assholes laying into one guy while everybody else watches? And you wanna know what's wrong with me? Yeah, I'd rather die... so bring it on!

Frank: I gotta send a public service message to the people out there that being a superhero is bad for your health.

[first lines]
Dave: I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives, we all wanna be a superhero.
Dave: [a winged avenger dives to his death] That's not me, by the way. That's some Armenia guy with a history of mental health problems.

Dave: This is awesome! I look like frickin' Wolverine!

Dave: What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker? Spider-Man gets the girl.

Hit: Show's over, motherfuckers.
[shoots camera]

Big: Good job. I'm so proud of you, baby doll. Are you okay?
Hit: Mm-hm... but getting shot, Daddy, it hurt a lot more than when you did it.
Big: That's because I used low velocity rounds, child... heh-heh.
Hit: You're the kindest daddy in the whole world.
Big: No, I just... I love you.
Hit: I love you, too, Daddy. I love you, too, Daddy. Sleep tight.

Hit: [grinning at bad guy's balisong knife] Hey, I got one of those!

Damon: [finding Marcus in his apartment, pointing a gun at him] How'd you find me, Marcus?
Sergeant: One of us is still a cop, remember?

Huge: Fuck this shit, I'm getting the bazooka!

Chris: Ha-ha, that's right! We're superheroes! You love us!

Dave: Like every serial killer already knew: eventually fantasizing just doesn't do it for you anymore.

Dave: [voice-over] Even with my metal plates and my fucked up nerve endings, I gotta tell ya, that... hurt -- but not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind: Katie, my dad, Todd and Marty, and all the things I'd never do, like... learn to drive, or see what me and Katie's kids would look like, or find out what happened on "Lost." And, if you're reassuring yourself that I'm gonna make it through this since I'm talkin' to you now, quit being such a smart-ass. Hell, dude, you never seen "Sin City?" "Sunset Boulevard?" "American Beauty?"

Hit: [after Hit Girl and Kick-Ass land on the roof of Mindy's building with the jet-pack] Thanks, Kick-Ass. My daddy... he would have been proud of both of us.
Dave: [removes his mask] Dave.
[extends his hand]
Dave: Dave Lizewski.
Hit: [smiles] I know that, dumbass.
[chuckles, then removes her own wig and mask]
Hit: Mindy... Mindy Macready.
[she extends her own hand and they shake as both a formal introduction and recognition of their new partnership]

Dave: With no power comes no responsibility -- except... that wasn't true.

Katie: Dave? What the fuck are you doing? Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?
Dave: Because I AM Kick-Ass!
Katie: What are you talking about?
Dave: I'm also not gay!
Katie: Fuck!

Huge: [preparing to fire the bazooka] I always wanted to say this. Say hello to my little friend!

Frank: Playtime's over kid.
Hit: I *never* "play."

[Big Daddy shoots a man about to sneak up on Hit Girl and kill her]
Damon: Now Hit Girl, we always keep our backs where?
Hit: To the wall, Daddy, I know. Um, it-it won't happen again. Nice shot, by the way.
Damon: Thank you.

Damon: Hit Girl, back to headquarters!

[last lines]
Dave: [voiceover] Kick-Ass was gone but not forgotten, and my world was much safer with all the new superheroes. They said I was their inspiration, but all I did was make a door into a world I dreamed about since I was a little kid.
[cut to Chris/Red Mist in his father's office]
Chris: A world full of superheroes, huh?
[Chris turns around, showing his revamped Red Mist costume, and dons a new, decidedly more 'supervillain' mask]
Chris: As a great man once said... "Wait'll they get a load of me."

Big: Go to Robiiiin's Reveeeeeeeenge!

Hit: Aw, dude, that is one GAY looking taser.

Sergeant: You owe dhat girl a childhood.
Damon: I'll tell you who owes her a childhood -- FRANK D'AMICO!

Dave: [voi e-over] Who am I? I'm Kick-Ass!
[six months earlier]
Dave: That's me, back before any of this crazy shit happened. I guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, but there's nothing special, either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or 3000 friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls -- and, out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed.

Frank: [standing over Hit Girl] God, I wish I had a son like you. Time for a family reunion.

Dave: Fuck you, Mr. Bitey!

Mindy: Daddy, I'm scared.
Damon: Come on, Mindy, honey, be a big girl now. There's nothing to be afraid of.
Mindy: Is it gonna hurt bad?
Damon: Oh, child. Only for a second, sugar.
Damon: [testing her] A handgun bullet travels at... more than?
Mindy: 700 miles an hour.
Damon: 700 miles an hour; so, at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet for sure, but it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest.
Mindy: [mumbles to herself] I hate getting punched in the chest.
Damon: [cocks gun] You're gonna be fine, baby doll!
[he aims and fires, hitting her squarely in the chest; she goes flying off her feet, landing on her back]
Damon: [walking up to her as she pulls the bullet out of her bullet-proof vest hidden underneath her jacket] How was that? Not so bad. Kinda fun, huh? Now you know how it feels. You won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a glock.
Mindy: [smiling] I wouldn't have been scared anyways!
Damon: That's my girl.
Damon: [helping her up] All right, up you get. Two more rounds and then home.
Mindy: Again?
Damon: Uh-huh.
Mindy: Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back.
Damon: The bowling alley?
Mindy: Yeah, and ice cream after.
Damon: [thinking about it for a second] Huh... okay. Two more rounds, no wincing... no whining... and you got yourself a deal, young lady.
Mindy: Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae!
Damon: Good call, baby doll!
[shoots her again]

Dave: Jesus, guys, does it not bug you? Like, thousand of people wanna be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spider-Man.
Marty: Yeah, what's with that? She has, like, no tits at all.
Todd: Maybe it's a porn tape, He doesn't have a porn tape.
Marty: You guys never saw "One Night In Spider-Man?"

Damon: Mindy? No more homework, Babydoll. It's time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye.

Damon: So... have you thought a little more about what you might want for your birthday?
Mindy: Can I get a puppy?
Damon: [surprised] You wanna get a dog?
Mindy: Yeah, a cuddly fluffy one, and a Bratz movie-star make over Sasha!
[Damon is stunned]
Mindy: [laughs] I'm just fucking with you Daddy! Look, I'd love a Benchmade model 42 butterfly knife.
Damon: [relieved] Oh, child... You always knock me for a loop!

Dave: [as Frank D'Amico is about to shoot Hit Girl] Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your OWN size?
[points a bazooka at Frank and fires]

Dave: If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.
Hit: And if it wasn't for you... my dad wouldn't be.

Mrs. Zane: [from Dave's fantasy where she strips down to nothing but her bra and underwear, with a seductive tone] Don't think I haven't noticed you looking at my tits, Dave. Oh, I want your hands all over me, Dave. Please.

Damon: [studying security videos and blueprints of Frank D'Amico's building] We've gotta get OVER it, on TOP of it, and then INTO it! Right in the middle of it!
Mindy: [looks up from other computer screen] Daddy, I think I found one. It's perfect, and they can deliver it in three days.
[slightly deflated as she looks at the price]
Mindy: Ah, It's,,, three hundred thousand bucks.
Damon: [walks around the desk to examine her discovery on the the computer screen] Can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on?
[sees what's on the screen]
Damon: Oooohhhhhhhh, my gosh! That is COOL.
Mindy: [smiling] Yeah!
Damon: Add to shopping cart.
Mindy: Okay.