The Best Ed Rooney Quotes

Ed: Ed Rooney.
Cameron: [disguising voice as George Peterson] Ed. This is George Peterson.
Ed: How are you today, sir?
Cameron: [voice disguised] Well, we've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard.
Ed: Yeah I heard, and man, I'm all broken up, boy, what a blow.
Cameron: [disguised] Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it's been a tough morning and we got a lot of family business to take care of, so if you wouldn't mind excusing Sloane, I'd appreciate it.
Ed: Uh, yeah, sure, no I'd be happy to, yeah you, uh, you you just produce a corpse, and uh, I'll release Sloane. I wanna see this dead grandmother first hand.
Grace: Ed?
Ed: It's alright, Grace, it's Ferris Bueller the little twerp. I'm gonna set a trap and let him fall right in it.
Grace: Ooh!
Cameron: [disguised] I'm sorry, Ed, did you say you wanted to see a body?
Ed: Yeah, that's right, just, uh, roll her old bones on over here, and I'll dig up your daughter. You know that's school policy.
Cameron: [disguised] Oh.
Ed: Was this your mother?
Cameron: [disguised] Uh, no my wife's mother.
Grace: [picks up ringing phone] Ed Rooney's office.
Ferris: Hi this is Ferris Bueller, can I speak to Mr. Rooney please? Thank you.
Grace: [caught off-guard] Uh... hold.
Ed: Tell ya what, dipshit. If you don't like my policies you can come on down here and smooch my big ole' white butt.
Grace: ED!
Ed: Pucker up butter-cup.
[to Grace]
Ed: What?
Grace: Ferris Bueller's on line 2.

[a baseball game is on television]
Ed: What's the score?
Pizza: Nothin' nothin'.
Ed: [not really listening] Who's winning?
Pizza: The Bears.

Ed: I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.

[On the phone]
Ed: Are you also aware, Mrs. Bueller, that Ferris does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record?
Katie: I don't understand.
Ed: He has missed an unacceptable number of school days. In the opinion of this educator, Ferris is not taking his academic growth seriously. Now I've spent my morning examining his records. If Ferris thinks that he can just coast through this month and still graduate, he is sorely mistaken. I have no reservations whatsoever about holding him back another year.
Katie: This is all news to me.
Ed: It usually is. So far this semester he has been absent nine times.
Katie: Nine times?
Ed: Nine times.
Katie: I don't remember him being sick nine times.
Ed: That's probably because he wasn't sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It's a fool's paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path.
Katie: I can't believe it.
Ed: I've got it right here in front of me. He has missed nine days...
[His computer screen begins counting down from nine to two. Ferris is at home looking at the same screen]
Ferris: I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?

[Ferris kisses Sloan passionately while posing as her father]
Ed: So THAT's how it is in their family...

Ed: Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine.

[hearing a fake phone message]
Sloane: [crying on machine] We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a... death in the family.
Ed: Grace, Ferris Bueller is behind this. There is no doubt in my mind, and now, he's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing.
Grace: Her grandmother, too.
Ed: You pinhead.
Sloane: [sobbing] If you need to reach us, we'll be at the following number...
[sobbing becomes hysterical and over the top]